The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Still Minecraft-ing…


When last I wrote, I was dreadfully obsessed with Minecraft and a brand-new mega city that I began to build. I regret to inform you that not a single thing has changed – oh wait, something’s changed. Instead of working on my city, I’ve been helping The Boyfriend with his. He’s trying to make an adventure-type map for the kids to play on, with working cannons, an entire testing facility and we’re impatiently awaiting the next update so that we can spawn mobs!

It’s totally annoying how obsessed we all are. Though straight up, this is the best money we’ve ever spent on a game. I’ve never experienced us all being this obsessed months after buying it. It’s the only game we own that gets played every single day and definitely the only one we all fight over playing…

Not too much else has really been going on around here. We’ve been working on getting some laundry done, but most of our lights in the basement are blown out and we won’t be able to get anymore until payday. That’s one thing about this house compared to the last one, is that we go through light bulbs like crazy here and there are so many places that need light bulbs… It sucks when no one wants to go down into the basement because it’s so dark though.

The kids have all been sick and it’s absolutely no fun at all. It started with Keirnan and he’s kind of passed it on to everyone else. Lots of coughing and sniffling and a few people with fevers. I woke up yesterday with an itching in my eye that has persisted for two days now, that’s surely the signal that I’m going to be getting this cold next, which I am absolutely not looking forward to. I just started feeling really healthy again…!

And speaking of healthy, somehow, I managed to lose 12 pounds and for the first time since I started gaining weight, I was ecstatic to see the scale drop to the 158 mark, which officially puts me back in the healthy range for my BMI. I even feel skinnier, though I’m not looking too much different. It’s exciting to finally be going somewhere with my weight than just staying stagnant. Still have about 15 more pounds or so to go before I’m at a weight that I’m really happy with, but I’ll probably have to actually work for that…

So now, I’ve taken a break from Minecraft, because it’s bothering my eye and I’m thinking about working more on my mega city documents… That, or maybe I’ll do something else entirely. We’ll see how I feel. How’s your weekend been going?

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Just Quick


My poor Carter is very sick. He did good all day and then right around dinner, he started looking flushed and was complaining that he was sick and now his whole body is aching and his stomach hurts. Kaeidyn went through almost the exact same thing yesterday and still looks rough today.

I, on the other hand, slept most of the day away, even though I was trying so hard not to. I just absolutely could not wake up. We had the people here to fix our door and I stayed mostly awake during that, but as soon as they left, I fell back asleep until the kids started asking for dinner!

At first when I woke up, I felt so angry and upset that I had slept almost all day. Turns out it was the start day of my period and once I got past the initial upset, I actually got a lot done including dishes, laundry and cleaned even more of the kitchen. Plus, Kaeidyn did a great job making sure the boys didn’t make a mess of all the cleaning we did yesterday and the day before.

I have been having a difficult time getting motivated to get on the computer, which is unfortunate because I feel like I’m just not giving 100% to any of my current online ventures. As it is right now, I’m writing this from my bed on my BlackBerry and I just don’t feel like I’m actually getting anything done… Definitely need to make some adjustments there.

Now it’s time to watch some Star trek, which The Boyfriend and I are getting more and more addicted to. From watching 2 or 3 episodes every night of Next Generation and playing Star Trek Online to the constant talk of it. We’re obsessed!


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Not Well


I’ve discovered why I don’t listen to podcasts.. I simply cannot multitask. I can’t pay attention to what’s being said and also do other things. See tonight, The Boyfriend brought me home a gift that was supposed to be for my birthday but he couldn’t get it until now. I got a BlackBerry PlayBook!!!

So I’m sitting here listening to a podcast and trying to read a couple books that I downloaded, but I think it’s impossible. Especially being that I’m incredibly interested in this podcast.

I’ve only recently started listening to podcasts… Very recently! It started with The Gloria Brame Show, which I officially love. Dr. Brame is kinda my idol (one of many). But tonight, after years of having it on my to-listen-to list, I finally gave a dedicated listen to Savage Love and I think I’ve found another podcast I need to start listening to on a regular basis.

I was surprised at how into the podcast I was getting but even more than that, I was taken aback by how into The Boyfriend was getting. He doesn’t usually pay much attention to anything I do on any device so it was a nice little change. I spent most of the night subscribing to podcasts that I’ve heard about over the years and plan to spend most of today sifting through those.

In other news, I had gotten an infection in one of my teeth last week, which isn’t altogether uncommon for me. First,  I’m a smoker. My teeth are just bad because of it. Then, my back teeth (can’t remember what they’re called, either the molars or wisdom teeth) are trying to come in but there’s no room for them. So, I spent all last week with an incredibly sore mouth. Then The Boyfriend and I had sex and the pain went away. Imagine my total excitement.

But then, I woke up yesterday and instead of feeling no pain, the infection has just moved to the other side of my mouth. My face is all swollen and I’m sleeping horribly because of all this pain. I need to go see a dentist but right now we just can’t figure out how to make it work financially. Lately though, I’ve been wondering if that’s true, or if I’m just so scared that I’m making excuses.

I’ve always hated the dentist. Doctors, surgeons, never been scared of them, but dentists, deathly afraid. I start packing the second they take the x-rays. And while you can now do the whole sedation thing, I do worry a lot about the cost of all that. Just in general, I’m worried.

Something is also going on with my neck and I’ve had probably 3 days now of this intense and nagging pain. It’s making my head hurt constantly and no amount of tylenol seems to be helping. It’s making me more grumpy than I’ve been in a long time…

I’m just so sick and tired of feeling like I’m falling apart. Every time I start thinking that I’m feeling better or healthier, something turns around and bites me in the ass. I feel like it’s taking its toll on me entirely. I don’t even feel like myself anymore…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Beautiful Stuff Going on Down There


Well, two weeks into the month of December and we finally had sex. I think this is the longest we had ever gone without having sex, because we were both so sick. Last night, there was no way I could wait any longer. I was doing surprisingly good though, considering I normally get to day 3 and I’m flipping out about it but this time around, I was just too sick to really care.

Last night, I was itching something fierce. I couldn’t stop thinking about sex and The Boyfriend in general. Every single move he would make, every nerdy thing he would say, every time he looked at me, it was like a twinge would go all the way down my back until it was safely nestled in my pelvis. I took a bath and got nice and shaved for him and then crawled into bed. Ever the sweet lover that he is, he spent a good long time massaging my body, which has been relentlessly sore due to this cold. I even got a mini-ass massage which I haven’t had in a really long time. By the time we were laying down getting ready for sex, I was on fire with passion.

He asked if we could watch porn, which originally I was pretty upset about, but then once it got turned on really didn’t care either way. I always take it as a burn at first when we haven’t had sex in awhile and the first time we do, he wants to watch porn. It always makes me feel like I’m simply not enough to get him turned on, even though I have no real reason to think that. If I had said no to the porn, he still would’ve gotten turned on and still would’ve had sex with me. But all in all, I was quite pleased that we watched porn.

First was a video that is shorter than we typically go for when we’re picking porn, but it was a really great video. We’ve been looking for awhile for something with two girls and a double dildo. I’d never personally seen one before and The Boyfriend seriously has this thing for girls fucking other girls with objects, even though it’s only something he enjoys watching and definitely not something he’ll even consider doing. So the first video was two girls and big pink Joymii and while the video itself wasn’t hella great, the idea of it had us both going pretty wild right off the bat.

I kept going off about how I wanted to do that and how that would be a wonderful birthday present one year, a Joymii and a girl to use it on. For the most part, when I start talking about me and sexual activities with other girls, it makes him tense up and his reaction is never exactly what I expect it to be. The idea of me with someone else really bothers him and makes him intensely jealous. I’ve never seen him react to anything like he does when I mention me with someone else, especially other girls. He reached over and put his hand between my legs and I was quickly shut up about my girl-on-girl fantasies.

While he was only lazily playing, just him being that close made me feel like I was on the verge of cumming. I didn’t want to cum yet. I rolled on my side and told him to snuggle up close, but that there was to be absolutely no penetration. Our genitals disagreed. Every time we moved, penetration was inevitable. Eventually, I just stopped trying and allowed the penetration to happen. We carried on for awhile with me on my side, more teasing than actually having sex. Then, I rolled on my back and we continued on this way for quite some time. I grabbed my handheld mirror and we watched the penetration up-close. It turned me on that much more when he got very excited over the mirror and the look on his face was just of such appreciation – I’m sure the look on my face was much the same. We truly have some beautiful stuff going on down there!

By this point, I had had to stop myself from cumming multiple times. Any time his hands would reach down, I’d quickly grab them away because I just didn’t want to cum yet, it felt too soon. I rolled him onto his back and climbed on top. Have I ever told you how much I seriously love being on top with him. I’ve never had a guy respond the way he does. He gets so excited and he enjoys it so much and it’s just written all over every ounce of him. I was not going very fast and kept myself at a really steady pace as he shoved his face into my breasts, squeezing them together and just watching their every movement.

He reached down and grabbed on to my hips, “You gotta slow down or I’m going to cum”. I stopped moving. I went completely still but my vag was pulsing so hard, I couldn’t help it. He grabbed harder onto my hips, “I can’t wait anymore!” and he quickly thrust as he came hard. I stayed grinding on his cock, his pubic mound perfectly caressing my clit. Within moments, I was curling up into his chest, cumming hard and for what felt like a very long time. In the moment of orgasm, my body got really hot and I felt dizzy and breathless. I gripped onto him and held him until the very final moments of the orgasm.

After the sex, he fell almost immediately to sleep. I could not get close enough to him. I just wanted to be completely encompassed by him and I felt so deeply in love with him. It probably didn’t help that I had spent the night reading through old blog posts and reminiscing about our entire relationship, so I was already feeling more lovey-dovey towards him. The loving feeling had carried on to this morning, as I snuggled him more than I ever have before he’s had to go to work and could not stop telling him just how much I loved him. It was a wonderful night and I’m so glad that it finally happened. Too much longer of no sex and I probably would’ve been primed to pulverize something… Can I just say, I can’t wait to do that again!


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Checking In…


These last few days have completely kicked my ass and it’s visible at every step you take through the house. Not only have we all had this cold going around and around, I have also had a severe toothache that I swear, is going to be the death of me. Today is the first day that I’ve had relative calmness in my mouth and I have a tube of Orajel to thank for that. I really need to see a dentist, but it’s just not working out for me right now…

It’s been a lot of sleeping on my part lately. From super early bedtimes to late sleep-in days and even a few early evening naps, anything to distract me from thinking about how much my teeth are bothering me or from spending entire days throwing up. Luckily there has only been one of those days, but it was intense enough that it felt much longer than that…

The Boyfriend has been trying to help me out as much as possible, but he’s sick too, so I can’t expect too much. His lips are more badly chapped than I’ve ever seen them and because he took that 2 weeks off because of his wrist, he’s pushing himself to get through work even though he’s so sick. That includes walking to and from work. It’s incredible what that man goes through for us…

He recently got me a printer, which I’ve been begging for. We’ve had it for two days and the only things I’ve printed off are things for The Boyfriend!! It’s so very typical of me. Today is the first day in a few of them though that I’ve been in front of the computer at all. I am utterly sick of being sick and I totally vote that it’s time to put an end to it. I need to start eating better…

Well, I know it’s totally boring, but that’s all I got. Not too much going on around here and hopefully in the next day or two, I’ll have more to write about…


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Lots About Kaeidyn…


Parent/Teacher Conferences Tonight… I just know I’m going to hear something about all the school Keirnan has missed. We need to figure out what’s causing us all to be so sick so often, that way we can get Keirnan to school more often! Luckily, this cold isn’t being nearly as brutal as all the others. I think I’m on Day 5 now and except for a small scratch in my throat, I feel pretty okay. Unfortunately, and yes I’m blaming the cold, one of my teeth is now acting up and my mouth is killing me.

We need to all get in and see a dentist but right now it’s just not in the budget. So, I’m trying to apply for some assistance on that level but my Adobe Reader isn’t working for some reason, even though I just downloaded the newest version. I will try again later on today. I have a feeling that I’m going to get my teeth looked at and they’re going to say that all of them need to come out. That scares the crap out of me!

Really, what I’m noticing, is that we need to figure out a way to force ourselves to get healthier in general. I really need to get vitamins for the kids, we all need to start drinking milk (I can’t even remember the last time I had milk…) and we just need to start taking in more nutrients – because I think that’s part of the problem. Our bodies can’t function properly because they don’t have the power they need…

The Boyfriend took his cast off yesterday, so he finally has use of both his hands. Instead of going to the doctors, he spent a few hours with a pair of scissors or something and just cut the thing off himself. Don’t ask me why he didn’t just go to the doctors, I was half asleep for most of the day yesterday, fighting this hurting tooth pretty hard.

Got the kids report cards yesterday. They had actually come out awhile back, but the kids hadn’t been at school for the week because of their colds, so just got them yesterday. Both Kaeidyn and Kenzie are either doing excellent in every area or are meeting expectations. The only area that they both got “Needs developing” for was in self-assessment, which doesn’t surprise me – don’t we all! Kaeidyn’s the only one that’s getting actual grades, and right now is sitting at about a C average. This seems to be pretty typical of her. We can definitely tell she’s struggling more this year than last.

I think all the kids are and I blame it mostly on the fact that this school is teaching them completely differently than the last school. I mean, at Normandeau the big focus was on phonics. Learning to read and write by sounding it out. With Kaeidyn, this worked wonders. It was incredibly easy to help her with reading and writing. With Kenzie, they are doing sight-reading only, no phonics at all. It’s making it very hard to know how to support him in reading when I was taught and we taught Kaeidyn how to sound it out and with Kenzie, we can’t even go there. He’s not learning that.

Kaeidyn is even having an issue in math because they do the math so differently than she was taught. And don’t even get me started on how much I don’t understand her math, because they definitely never taught us how to do math like that when I was going to school. I often stare at her math homework, then give up and tell her to go ask The Boyfriend for help. Somehow, he tends to figure it all out. Really, he’s so good with them and their homework, helping them out with it. He’s so patient when helping Kenzie to read and him and Kaeidyn laugh a lot when they’re trying to do math and it’s always such a cute moment to watch. Not so much when I’m helping them with their homework. I get flustered and frustrated…

Yesterday, he’s helping Kaeidyn with a math question. It was a word question where she had to ultimately add 3 numbers to find out how many things total, were in a box of ornaments. She kept getting it wrong and couldn’t figure out where she was going wrong. Her and The Boyfriend are working on it when Kenzie starts bugging Kaeidyn that it should be easy. So she says, “Oh yeah, what’s 35 + 27 + 12?”. Kenzie pauses for a second and then responds, “Hard!”. My thoughts exactly 😉

We’re also having incredible issues with Kaeidyn about the break-in. She has only slept a few nights upstairs, otherwise she’s been down here sleeping with us. Last night, after really giving it a go upstairs, she came down frantically crying. I asked what she was so worried about and she starts going off about how she’s scared soldiers are going to break down our door and lock the kids in the basement, that they’re going to kill us all. Apparently it’s even been coming up at school a lot and she just seems overly stressed out and worried about it. We’re doing the best we know how to comfort and support her, but sometimes you just feel like you’re not doing enough. We just have to give her time.

So, that’s been these last few days. Lots more than I had originally thought I was going to write, so that’s good. Now to make it through these parent/teacher conferences!


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First Week of December


We’re all sick again… I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this many colds one right after the other. I feel like most of us have been sick since the snow first fell. The kids are missing tons of school because of it, which completely sucks and I’m quite worried about how this is going to affect their grades and school future. I know Keirnan has missed a lot of school, a lot of it!

The Boyfriend goes to get his cast removed on Wednesday and then they’ll re-assess to see if it’s healed or if they’ll need to re-cast it. We’re both incredibly excited for it to come off and his fingertips are getting impatient. I’ve never seen anyone’s hands get so dry, but his fingertips are grossly dry and peeling. He had his first day back at work yesterday, after almost 2 weeks off because of the break-in and I was surprised when he came in the door afterwards in quite a good mood. Today, he says he feels sore and exhausted, but I think that’s because he’s getting hit with the cold that the rest of us have.

I’m starting to feel very cooped up in the house, something that happens every winter. I’m really not a fan of the cold, in any way. I really despise the cold and avoid it like the plague. So in the last 2 weeks, the only time I’ve left the house is when I’m being picked up to go to Wal-Mart for groceries. I haven’t just left the house to leave the house, I haven’t gone to anyone else’s house, I haven’t just stepped out the front door. And of course, since the kids have been sick, I’m cooped up in the house with all the kids. It’s causing me to go a bit crazy, to be quite honest.

I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube lately and have become quite obsessed with Hank Green (one half of my favorite YouTube-ing duo, The Vlogbrothers), and when I say obsessed, it’s a bit of an understatement. I officially have a crush on another woman’s husband! I really enjoy watching all of his videos and listening to his songs and just hearing about all these things that he’s done. I wish I could be him… Really, there’s a whole bunch of YouTubers that I’m starting to become obsessed with but Hank Green seems to be the highest on my list.

The other day, I had noticed that I didn’t track my period for the month of November. I checked all the different places that I normally put at least something to let me know, but I couldn’t find anything. I turned to The Boyfriend, “Hey Babe, did I have a period in November?” and he responds, “No, I was just thinking that, I don’t think you did”. I eyed him up and down, “Oh, and when did you think you should let me in on this?!?”. We can’t say that that means anything though, because my periods haven’t exactly gone back to normal completely. It had only been 3 months of having them around the same time every month, prior to that they were all over the place. Some months I’d have no period for months on end and other months I’d have two periods in one month. I’m hoping it’s just my body having an issue with period regulation and not that other thing that a lack of period can mean. If it is, I don’t feel like it is…

Well, that’s pretty much the last few days in 600 words or less. Next week, we have to get Christmas presents, which should be fun – though I have no idea what we’re going to get the kids and eventually I’ve gotta get the kids in to see the doctor and the dentist. I swear I say that every December… How’s your first week of December going?