I’m sitting here tonight, thinking so much about how all of my problems would be solved if I could just create a routine. And you really wouldn’t think that would be so difficult, but for some reason, it absolutely is. I have no idea how to create one, and I especially don’t know how to follow through with whatever I decide the routine is going to be. But I’m noticing more and more that I need one.
For example, I need a regular wake up and sleep time routine – let my body clock reset to the right time, instead of whatever wacky time it’s currently set to. I also need a regular routine and scheduled time on the computer – I need to start treating my online work as more of work than just a hobby (maybe I’d actually get something done…) and cleaning… My god, cleaning! There is so much of it to be done and although I’m not sure how more of a routine than we’ve got going for it right now is going to help all that much, except for maybe keep us on track.
Now putting all these ideas about how a routine should work into place is being incredibly difficult for me. I just can’t figure it out, how to make it work, how to follow through, how to stay on top of it all. I’m getting quite annoyed with how out of control everything feels like it is, because I really don’t have any control over anything – and I’m ready for that to be over and done with. I’m formulating…
It’s been a really stressful and tough week. And I’ve had a few bad days, part of why I haven’t written anything in forever and a day. It has been nothing but bad news over and over again for the past 2 weeks and I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and completely giving up. Obviously I can’t do that, and so I’ve spent a lot of time in a dark and sad place. When I have gotten on the computer, which is pretty much never, I just sit here and stare at the screen, mindlessly clicking to reload the same page over and over again. For the most part, I’ve been hogging my blanket and a cushion on the couch, and that’s it.
I’m just discovering that I don’t deal with stress so well anymore, now that I’m not in the type of relationship where you can blame all the problems on the other partner. It’s like the blame lies equally on the both of us and it just sucks. At least with Alfie, even 5 years after we’ve broken up, I can blame all my hardships and stress and tough times on him – but he’s not around for me to yell and scream at when I’m feeling upset. And even if he was, I’m not sure that I’d be able to get through a fight with anyone… So now I have no choice to experiment with dealing with this stress differently than blaming and fighting. Let me tell you, it’s not being easy for one instant.
And I’m not the only one not dealing with the stress very well right now. I don’t know why or how it is that we’re both so stressed out, and I’m surprised that it’s not having more of a negative effect on our relationship, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people struggle with their emotions more than The Boyfriend and I have. For him, he can’t even describe the emotions that he’s having. The most he’s been able to get at is that it makes him feel “bad”. We had a rather touching moment the other day in program when The Boyfriend confessed that he felt a little bit like Atlas, carrying the weight of the whole world on his shoulders, but he had to because “this family is my responsibility and they are relying on me. It’s my job as their Dad to take care of them!” – Have I ever told you how much I love that he loves 4 of us that aren’t biologically his? It always just touches my heart how much cares about all of us, especially the older kids.
I guess that’s really all I have to say, unfortunately. Until next time…
These last few days are just dragging on and on and seem to be going at such a slow pace that I can feel myself aging. I don’t even know where to begin to be completely honest.
On Friday, I got woken up to banging on the door. I ignored it at first, but it was just being relentless. When I did finally get up to check on it, it was Child Services again. Someone at the school called on us about a variety of things that were not based in fact at all. I spent all of Friday crying about it and I was just in a really bad way about this particular call. Kaeidyn had been talking to her counselor and apparently something she said during one of their meetings was essentially part of the report and so Kaeidyn felt like it was her fault they got called on us this time.
On top of my own crappy emotions about this whole thing, I also had to reassure my 8-year-old that she didn’t do anything wrong and that she wasn’t going to get taken away because of it. Needless to say, I’m worried out of my mind about that little girl. She trusted this counselor and now I’m worried that that trust is going to be gone and she’s going to have no one to talk to about all of the frightened and scared feelings she has – because she’s still dealing with the trauma of the break in. So now, on top of the stress of having to prove my worth as a perfectly decent parent, I have to stress about finding her a new counselor and one that she might be able to trust and it feels like I’m going to break any minute…
So, we spent the next few days cleaning and getting ready for Child Services to come back to the house. All in all, this went really well. The Boyfriend and I are finally not sleeping in the living room, but moved our bed up to a room. I also went on a Kijiji hunt for couches and ended up scoring a 3-seater couch with 2 recliners and a love seat recliner. Our living room finally looks like a living room and not a teenagers messy bedroom. We’ve all really been enjoying it and The Boyfriend especially likes how much closer he can sit to the TV and comfortably on top of it!
Alfie also called, after over two months of no contact whatsoever. He was coming into town. So now, he’s been over here and while he had originally come up with some lame excuse as to his lack of presence, he eventually came around to the truth of the matter. Apparently he’s been getting in some trouble and had to deal with that. I’ve had to deal with my feelings surrounding him a lot these last few days. The Mommy in me is having a very volatile argument with herself about this guy in my kids life. A really big part of the mommy in me doesn’t want him having anything to do with my kids and I’ve come to the conclusion that under no circumstances will he be allowed to be alone with the kids anytime soon. Another job lost, another friendship destroyed, another stint with the police involved and really, it’s too much for my heart and head to handle. He’s just such a big disappointment… But the other part of the mommy in me thinks, “He’s their Dad”… Even though you’d never know it!
Things between my Mom and I have also been tense, which is not giving me any rest. I mean, really, they’re still wonderful and we’re talking just as much as we ever did. But I keep turning to her, thinking she’s my support and she should be supporting me, but for some reason, I’m not getting the support I feel like I need from her. Instead, I’m getting a lot of lectures and suggestions and opinions about all the things I’m doing wrong and there is absolutely no focus on what I’m doing right – unless it’s an afterthought because my feathers are ruffling. I even snapped at her the other day that I don’t come to her to hear what I can hear from the government, I come to her to hear that they’re wrong – especially when that’s the truth! It would be different if I was doing so much wrong, but I’m not. They didn’t even know about the dirty house until they got here and even then, the only comment made was about the floor in the kitchen which hadn’t been mopped in two days.
I wrote my first song in years the other day. It was interesting and I forgot how good that feels and how much I enjoy doing it. I don’t know what I’m going to call this song or how it’s going to sound once I add an instrument to the mix, but I had great fun writing it and it was an incredible release for me. I felt like I said all that I needed to say in 2 verses, a bridge and a chorus. It’s beautiful when that happens and it felt really nice.
Tomorrow, we go for program again. The Boyfriend is looking forward to it because he’s been incredibly stressed out about this last Child Services case, even though our file has been closed now. He’s taking this one personally, even though I’m not exactly sure why. I think he’s just reached his breaking limit as well. Needless to say, he’s looking forward to getting it all off his chest, because he hasn’t really yet. Is it terrible that I’m almost excited to see what he goes in there with? I mean, obviously we’ve talked and I’ve heard what he has to say, but he’s just so much more theatrical when it’s not just me and him, and I enjoy seeing that side of him, but I especially enjoy that it’s the only time that you can really tell that he’s as complex as he likes to say he is 😉
Well, I think that’s pretty much it. I’m sure I’ll think of something else later. I’ll add the song lyrics eventually too. Now, it’s time to listen to tunes and veg until the older kids get home. Thanks for reading!
I have been meaning to come on here for days and write, because I’ve been craving it. It hasn’t been for lack of things to write about…
This week has been an incredibly crazy week filled with a large roller coaster ride of emotions that has just left me feeling plain exhausted. For the last two days, I’ve done nothing but lay in bed pouting and complaining about how sore my body is. There have been good moments and bad over the last few days, but I seem to be stuck in a rut when it comes to whatever feeling it is that I’ve been having that seems to come and go, well, for the last few days it’s been staying and holding tight with a deadly grip.
I wouldn’t say this is depression, because the feeling isn’t sad really. Then again, I’m sleeping a lot lately and I have a thousand and one reasons why depression would make sense. And maybe I am a little depressed and just in denial, but it’s not to this terrible point yet. I’m just beginning to notice that it’s beginning to affect me negatively and as I’ve said, these come and go in waves (as you’ll notice if you read back over the last few months), so I’m sure the tide is going to flow outwards again and I’ll be able to catch my breath.
So let’s talk about the last few days…
First, we started watching Dexter on Netflix. I really really love this show like crazy. We’ve even let the kids watch a few episodes and it is the most interested in a TV show we seem to be able to get them lately. Even got The Boyfriend hooked. But what I didn’t expect from this show was how much it would act as a major trigger for me. I kept thinking, “There should be a warning somewhere…”, because on multiple occasions it has brought me back to places where terrible things have happened or terrible thoughts have occurred and I just wasn’t expecting it at all… For the most part, this is easy to deal with in the moment and I’m often over it shortly after the show ended, but some of the things seem to really be sticking in my mind and keeping the tide over my head.
Then, Kenzie and I have not been doing very well together. For some reason, he is in the stage of absolutely hating my guts and making it known at every possible turn. Obviously I know that he doesn’t actually hate my guts, but he insists on saying it to me every single day, multiple times a day. The one that is the hardest to deal with is the first thing in the morning one, which just turns my entire day to crap before it even gets started. There’s no worse way to start your day than to hear “I hate you” coming from your flesh and blood’s mouth.
We went through much the same thing with Kaeidyn, right around this age too, and for the life of me, I can’t remember how we dealt with it. I know that it didn’t last as long with Kaeidyn as it is with Kenzie and everything that we’ve attempted to do with Kenzie thus far has not worked at all. It all seems to add fuel to the fire and it’s been difficult. I often feel the least in control of my kids in that moment and like I’m never going to feel as if they respect me and all that I’ve done for them. Being over-dramatic I suppose…
The Boyfriend and I had program again this week, which goes as good as it always does. This was basically a review of the questionnaires that we filled out the last time we had went and basically to see where we stand based on our answers to all these questions. Oddly enough, on the depression test, The Boyfriend scored as more depressed than I was and it was the first time in my life that I scored as only mildly at risk for depression. My favorite part of this whole entire appointment was when we were going over our Parenting Confidence and Satisfaction questionnaires, in which both The Boyfriend and I scored very high in our overall confidence but rather low on the satisfaction end of thing. Our worker asks, “Why do you think you got this result?” and The Boyfriend throws up his hands and goes, “This!”.
We both broke off to explain the “This!” as being more than just the program itself, but the whole parenting situation that we’ve been experiencing for the last few months, what with all the child services visits and the constant issues with the kids and the feeling of being so overwhelmed by this job. I pointed out that there was never any question about how good of parents we were, but how good of housekeepers we were and yet we had to go to parenting classes not housekeeping classes. We both vented and it felt really good and really nice. It’s also nice because our worker strongly believes in focusing on the positive, so we haven’t heard much negative at all about our parenting which is nice!
In other news entirely, we just jumped over the 100 member mark in The Erotic Writers Group Google+ Community. I’m spending as much of the rest of the night as The Boyfriend will let me catching up on all the stuff that I’ve missed out on over the last few days of my absence from the computer. Hopefully I’ll be able to update you with more about all that fun stuff later. Well, I hope you’re all having a wonderful weekend and staying warm during this lovely “spring” snowstorm 😉
I have spent the last few days in a serious funk. It’s just being relentless and I can’t seem to shake the feeling. It’s most likely being my most vicious funk since we’ve moved into this house and I feel like this one’s going to hard to break, because nothing I do seems to be helping at all. I just keep feeling that all is not well, all is not right and I don’t know what to do with those feelings.
Then, the noise of Facebook got to me again, when I came across an image that says something along the lines of, “If you’re not happy in a relationship, just leave, don’t cheat” and it was like a harsh slap in the face. Especially being that I’ve been considering exactly that a lot lately, though not cheating per se, being that I wouldn’t ever lie to The Boyfriend about it or even just not tell him, I would do exactly the opposite. And it’s not like I’m overall unhappy in my relationship, because that’s also untrue. I’ve never been this happy in a relationship, I’m just not happy all the time about the sex.
And when I’m having the vanilla sex, except for the odd thought about wishing he’d be rougher with me and stop treating me like some delicate breakable flower, it’s really good and fulfilling vanilla sex. It’s sex that I’m happy to be having and that usually leaves me feeling okay about my sex life. But the craving and desire for kink is so heavy that when I’m not in the moment of having vanilla sex, I feel like my sex just isn’t what I want it to be, nowhere close actually.
And I’m sincerely beginning to think that half of my interests in kink would be interests of his if I just never said anything about me being interested in it. It always seems like he’s half interested in the concept of certain kinks, right up until the moment that I say that I’m interested and then he turns to an automatic no and not interested. But what bugs me most is the lack of regard for my interests where sex is concerned.
The other night, I’m researching away. Can’t remember how I got started on the trek that I went on, but I was hardcore looking at stuff on Cuckoldry, something that has always been pretty high up on my interests list. I have never been able to exactly state why any of my interests in kink are what they are, so I couldn’t tell you what it is about cuckoldry that I like so much. And really, I don’t think it’s cuckoldry, as much as it is the idea of me having sex with someone else when he’s not allowed to and while he still has to be involved. I’ve often said that I would love to be polyamorous as long as my partner wasn’t sleeping with anyone…
Because just like him, I’m not very fond of sharing. However, I’ve never been in a relationship like ours where I feel like it’s stable and secure. I mean, I believe in my heart that the only way this relationship would ever end is if I ended it, because I just can’t see him doing it. I’ve never been in a relationship where it doesn’t feel like the guy is still looking for something better (even if that’s not actually what he’s doing, I’ve always had that feeling), but with The Boyfriend, I don’t get that at all. I get that he is perfectly happy and comfortable staying just where we are for the rest of our lives. So for all I know, something like polyamory would work for us because I don’t fear him leaving me for someone else, someone better. Again, something that he is absolutely uninterested in.
I don’t know if it’s maybe because he doesn’t feel like we’re stable and secure or if for him, a relationship just means nothing but monogamy. Something to discuss, I suppose. It’s just so frustrating to have any sexual conversation with him, because sex isn’t as important to him as sex is to me. We see a lot of things very differently where sex is concerned. I’m much more open-minded and expressive about my sexual feelings, he is very close-minded and is definitely not a very expressive man.
I remember writing on one of my old blogs a long time ago, at the very beginning of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, about an experience that I had had in a chatroom. Now, this was long before I had ever gotten my first spanking from him and before we had even really begun discussing my kinks and how they would play into our relationship. We were still just babies to the whole relationship. I had gone into this chatroom and was talking with the whole room, when one of the ladies picked me out of the crowd to essentially say that because The Boyfriend was vanilla and I was not, our relationship wouldn’t last longer than 5 years, because it would tear us apart. And if you haven’t figured out yet why this experience has been on my mind a lot lately, let me fill you in:
The Boyfriend and I will be at our officially 5 year mark in July. And isn’t it kind of crazy that as we’re coming into the end of our 4th year, that’s when I suddenly decide that I’m sick of being complacent about the lack of kink and that I’ve officially lost all hope that he’s not going to revert back to the days of spankings and munches and that I’m seriously considering things like cheating, ultimatums and break-ups?!? It’s just interesting to me and frankly, I don’t know what to do with any of the things I’m thinking or feeling.
I can talk until I’m blue in the face with The Boyfriend about how much his vanilla-ness bugs me and I can whine and complain all the time about wanting a spanking, but it’s not doing anything but making me feel more and more out of place. I’d even go as far as to say that the lack of kinky sex often times feels like it’s intruding on the non-sexual aspects of our relationship, though I’m quick to rationalize those misplaced feelings. But the fact of the matter is that I don’t believe in forcing my sexuality on other people, even other people who share a relationship with me.
If he’s really not interested, there’s nothing I can say or do that will change that for him. I can’t even demand that he compromises or something like that, because that’s not the consent I believe in. I believe in the consent that sounds like, looks like, feels like an unequivocal yes. Nothing more, nothing less. Anything less than that and I’m no longer comfortable. So I’m obviously not going to “force” or coerce his hand to spank my ass and I’m not going to say something like, “Either you tie me up or I’m out of here”, but at the same time, whose happiness am I really sacrificing…?!?
So I’ve been a little addicted to the new Google Keep and have a whole bunch of to-do lists going on right now of all the stuff that I’ve got to get done. I’ve gotta call about my Mom’s surgery on Monday, after she’s been taken in, just to check that everything’s alright. I’ve got to work on The Blog Everyday Challenge, which I’ve hugely neglected and haven’t even looked at in over a month.
I’ve got a lot of blogging-related things that I’ve got to get done. I mean, 9 different notes that are all blogging related. It seems like a lot of work, especially when you consider that each of these to-do lists have at least 5 things on them that I need to accomplish… It feels very daunting and at first, I was inspired by all these to-do lists and now I’m just feeling a little boggled down. I also think it’s incredibly interesting that I use Keep rather religiously for just about everything, but never once used Google Tasks or any of the other task managers that I’ve downloaded…
I’ve spent the last two days in a very quiet state, my mind whirring with thoughts about just about everything. I’m still stuck on The Boyfriend’s unwillingness to compromise, so that’s been on my mind non-stop. I haven’t had even one second to have a discussion with him since there’s been no days off and when he gets home from work, all he wants to do is get on the games with his work buddies. Not only is he playing with some of them on the Xbox, now he’s also playing with them on Star Trek: Online. I guess it’s okay though, because I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I plan to say, which I’m at an absolute loss for words. I don’t even know how to broach the subject or what to say once I broach it. I can’t make him enjoy something that he doesn’t and I’m not the type to give ultimatums, so it’s a little hard to find the words.
I worked a little bit on some of my #NerdyJourney stuff, new photos have been added to my Random Minecraft photo album on Facebook and I’ve even started a new survival mode one that I’m actually enjoying playing. Today, The Boyfriend is planning to bring me home The Sims 3. I seriously love this game so much, but I haven’t gotten to play it much. We’ve bought it (this will be) 5 times now and every single time, the kids end up scratching the crap out of the disc before I can even really start playing it. This time, it’s not going down. We said that last time too, but the kids ended up discovering our hiding spot…
The kids have a week off school, which I’ve been arguing with myself whether I enjoy the concept or not. On Thursday, their last day of school, I felt incredibly excited about this week off and just as the weather was warming up, it couldn’t have hit at a better time. But yesterday, it was a relatively rough day with them, lots of fighting between the boys and tons of whining about video games, I decided I was no longer looking forward to this week off. The feeling keeps coming and going in waves today, based on how their behaving. Right now, they’re all laying quietly watching Spongebob together and so it’s a moment of excitement about this calm and quiet week off. I’m sure once this over, they’ll all start acting up, asking questions, whining about not getting their way, whatever it may be, and it will be another moment of hating this week off…
Other than that, it’s been pretty boring around here and not much has really happened. No plans for Easter either. How’s your Easter weekend going?
“Don’t get me wrong in anyway. I love The Boyfriend in a more deep and profound way than I think I’ve ever loved anyone. I have never experienced such a wonderful and amazing relationship that I believe is strong and stable in every single way possible. I never look at him and think “Oh my god, I wish this relationship would just end already” and I have not thought once about breaking anything off with him. On the contrary. I’ve been thinking heavily about spending the rest of my life with this man and how for the first time in my life, I seriously cannot wait to be married. I cannot wait to have him propose to me, I cannot wait to wake up to his face every single morning for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to grow old together. I really do love him so much.”
With all of what I said in the last post, I just find that every single time that I do anything to show my love for The Boyfriend, I’m often stopped dead in my tracks thinking and analyzing and it sends me into a spiral of general blahness. What am I thinking and analyzing about? Well mostly, I’m thinking about how I have completely neglected and even turned off my desires almost, because he’s not interested. And while I basically just ignored that for a really long time, the desire has come back and it’s come back with a vengeance The worst part is, I didn’t even ignore it, I sincerely believed that I could control my desires and I sincerely believed that I could suppress them until he was ready to be interested again.
Then, I realized that it’s been well over two years since I last had a spanking, and the kinkiest thing we’ve done in that two years is have anal sex or maybe the fisting (although it didn’t feel kinky while we were doing it…). I was shocked and appalled. Two freaking years! You’ve gotta be kidding me?!? And for two years, I have not been my (as Dr. Gloria Brame would put it) “Authentic Sexual Self“. I haven’t even been close to it. I’ve forced myself to enjoy over and over again the same ole vanilla sex and I’ve convinced myself that any vanilla sex is better than no kinky sex. And none of these thoughts are as bad as the one that stops me dead in my tracks every single time:
Why can’t he just compromise?
Okay, so you’re not comfortable with 24/7 total power exchange, and you’re not comfortable with the rewards and punishments. Fine. But is it so hard to just every once and awhile, agree to spank me? Is it so hard even to just every once and awhile be a little bit rougher with my breasts? And maybe I’m the only one who does it. I mean, I don’t really like anal sex all that much and yet I still do it because I know he really enjoys it and desires it. And strictly because of how much he enjoys it, I end up walking away from anal sex most of the time with an orgasm. It’s a win-win situation. Do I do it because I want to be having anal sex? No! I do it because he wants to be having anal sex and I don’t mind doing it for him. Again, I even get pleasure from it!
And it would be entirely different, my thinking would be so much different on this, if I had never had a spanking from him or had never been taped and restrained by him. I wouldn’t be thinking any of these thoughts if he didn’t used to pound the shit out of me and wrap his hands around my throat! I would be more understanding about his lack of interest. And for the most part, I have been really understanding. How do you think we got to the point where I let my desires go by the wayside for two fucking years?!? And frankly, I feel like being done with understanding!
I’ve been waiting until his next days off to really have a conversation about this with him, because I want to figure something out. I want to figure out what we’re going to do about getting me closer to being my “Authentic Sexual Self”, somewhere closer to where I was when I was pregnant with Carter (and something that doesn’t involve me getting pregnant again… thank you very much! haha). I just don’t like where I’m at right now and I’m sick of this stupid emotional roller coaster ride that I’m on over SEX!
I kind of feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster ride right now. Maybe it’s post-period-hormones or maybe it’s all the thoughts that I’ve been thinking the last couple of day or maybe it’s the fact that the sun keeps giving me headaches so I’ve been living in the dark as much as possible (by keeping my curtains closed) or maybe it’s none of those things and it’s something else entirely that I just haven’t acknowledged yet or it could even be all of the above…
One second, I feel almost elated. I feel joy and peace and happiness and like the world around me is light and relaxed and calm. And usually, the things that are going on in these moments evoke those types of feelings. I’ve spent a lot of times being close with the kids these last few days. Their behaviors have all been relatively top notch, Kaeidyn and I haven’t really argued in days, the most I’ve had to put up with is noisiness and the occasional tantrum from Kenzie. Carter I guess has been worse than usual, but it seems so minor compared to what I normaly have to deal with… I’ve also spent a lot of time on the computer actually getting things done, even though it may not seem like it, and that feels really good too. I always feel better after a good computer session.
Other areas that I’ve been doing really good in include the cleaning (at least on the main level of the house), which hasn’t gotten too out of control over the last week or so and for that reason, it’s been incredibly easy to keep up on. And I’ll let it go for a day or so before I’ll do another good clean and the biggest mess we’ve had is paper. I’ve been doing the dishes on a regular basis and insisting that the garbage get changed frequently. All in all, the cleaning has been good. Waking up has been going relatively well too. While I’m still sleeping in later than I would like to, at least now I’m waking up consistently at the same time every day.
We also got a huge boost in parenting confidence the other day, when we had our program worker come to the house to do an observation of us as a family. She wanted to see us do an activity together as a family, so we made some paper airplanes. All the kids have been getting more and more into paper airplanes now that they’ve discovered they can make them all by themselves, which is why there has been so much paper all around. So we chose to make paper airplanes so the kids could show off their skills, plus, the only other real activity we do as a family is play video games or go for walks…
She was really impressed with The Boyfriend and the way he would help the kids figure out how to copy his “jets”. Of course he is really good at giving instructions because he is a manager after all, but he is especially cute when he’s doing it with kids. He has so much patience for them. She was also impressed that the kids and I have a way of talking without ever using words, like when Kaeidyn and I were talking and Keirnan interrupted, I put my finger up for him to wait a minute and he actually waited. I never really noticed that we did this but now that I think about it, it happens for a whole bunch of things. Mostly things that mean that they are supposed to stop something. We also do things like I love you, rock on and Live Long and Prosper to each other, because we’re all nerds like that.
So all in all, there’s been lots of reasons to be up pretty high on the roller coaster. But over the last two days, the first two after my period, I’ve been having massive swings into sudden and overwhelming blahness. It’s not even sad, it’s just a general state of blah. Like I don’t know how I feel in these moments, because it’s kind of like not feeling at all. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel angry, I just don’t really feel anything. In these moments, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be there, I just don’t… And while these moments almost never last very long, they’ve been on my mind. I keep trying to analyze them or something, trying to figure out what they mean or what’s causing them, but often times that analyzing is what’s sending me into them.
And a lot of times, it’s happening over small stuff with The Boyfriend, that sends me into the spiral. Nothing really all that crazy either. For example, he comes home from work last night and he’s incredibly sore. He thinks he’s having a quarter-life crisis, like a mid-life crisis but in his 20’s. He’s not feeling as sprite as he used to and it’s affecting him and we both believe that it’s more mental than it is actually physical. His brain is saying “Okay, you’re 26 now, that’s when we said that you were an old man” and he’s being reminded of his family saying things like “You’ll feel that when you’re older”, which apparently 26 is older, so because his brain is saying all these things, his body is feeling his age.
So, for the first time in our relationship, through broken wrists and spinal taps, for the first time, I’m hearing him whine. Now I’m a whiner, so I have no right to say anything about him whining and I’m absolutely not complaining. I think it’s cute that he’s whining. But here I am, never hearing him whine before, and I’m clueless as to how to support him through this big mental/physical struggle he’s going through. I know how I would want to be supported through it, but I’ve also never been a very strong (physically speaking) type of person but he has and I’m sure his pride is suffering somewhere in there. I’m still not exactly sure how to support him through it but I figure I’ll just wing it and see what works.
However, every time I do support him, it seems to send me into a spiral of thinking and analyzing. And I guess to a degree, this all has to do with really realizing that I’ve been rejecting a huge part of me because of our relationship, so really it’s clouding all my thinking about our relationship.
Don’t get me wrong in anyway. I love The Boyfriend in a more deep and profound way than I think I’ve ever loved anyone. I have never experienced such a wonderful and amazing relationship that I believe is strong and stable in every single way possible. I never look at him and think “Oh my god, I wish this relationship would just end already” and I have not thought once about breaking anything off with him. On the contrary. I’ve been thinking heavily about spending the rest of my life with this man and how for the first time in my life, I seriously cannot wait to be married. I cannot wait to have him propose to me, I cannot wait to wake up to his face every single morning for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to grow old together. I really do love him so much.
I cannot tell you how happy I am that I got on the computer tonight… Absolutely and totally happy. It was a rough day today, which made where my bed seemed like the best place in the world to be. We’ll start with how I came to be on the computer and then maybe we’ll jump back to the rough day part of the story – we’ll see how I feel.
So, I’m laying in bed playing Minecraft and Keirnan and Kenzie have been sent up to bed and didn’t cause that much of hassle when it came to actually sleeping. Kaeidyn however, was still awake and in a most talkative mood and my brother (who is doing amazing, by the way…) and cousin are both here visiting. Carter, my dear sweet Carter, was being a most miserable brat. None of the other kids got donuts before bed and I had decided that Carter wasn’t going to get donuts before bed either, but Uncle and Great-Cousin (though they call him Uncle) had gotten donuts. Carter was most unhappy and cried for close to an hour straight. Over and over again with “I want a donut” and “I didn’t get a donut”.
Then, out of nowhere, the cry changes from a semi-manageable cry to a wail. He’s “ow”-ing away. Lately, he’s really enjoyed half hanging off of surfaces when he sits at them. It’s mostly because as he uses whatever is on the surface in front of him, he manages to push it away from himself. We’ll find him dangling by his belly button from the computer desk because he’s pushed the keyboard all the way back to where he can’t reach it from the chair or at dinner time, dangling from the table because he pushed his plate too far away while eating… Somewhere along all the dangling today, he had managed to get – I’m not sure what you would call it, almost like rug burn but from the wood-like-stuff on the table. It seemed like one from much earlier today, possibly from when The Boyfriend and I weren’t here (more on that later).
Anyways, I cleaned it all up and put some Polysporin on it and talked him through the last of his upsets about the donut, and had convinced him that he needed to take a bath. Out of all of the kids, he definitely needs to be bathed the most. So now, instead of whining about the donuts, he’s now whining because he wants to hurry up and go for a bath. I shut off the games and The Boyfriend decided that he was going to play for awhile. Normally this means, when I come downstairs, I can either sit there and watch him play games or go on the computer – so, go on the computer it was.
And once again, I say unto you, I am most pleased that I did. First, I jump on Facebook (as usual) and immediately find some interesting stuff that had me laughing. Then, I jumped on Twitter. Oh wait, I don’t know if I told you this yet… If you’ll notice, in the sidebar, there is a Twitter feed and if you’ve followed me around the web for quite some time (which I know that I’m really the only one who follows me around on the web… :(), you’ll notice that this isn’t the same as it’s always been. The one there, happens to be the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Twitter feed. Some time ago, I had gotten completely fed up with my personal Twitter feed. I was following a lot of people that I had no idea who they were, it was all disorganized and I absolutely despised my previous Twitter handle: @blogaholica – the “a” on the end just always really bugged me…
But recently, I went through my old Twitter account, changed my handle, deleted almost everyone I was following that I didn’t know and had never actually said a word to me and re-organized the whole thing so that I knew what I was working about. I’m pretty sure I alluded to this a couple posts ago. But it was essentially spring cleaning of all my social networks. So, I revamped and came back as @ValerieRayne13 and have been having a great time.
Now that I’m not following a bunch of people who are talking about things that I’m just not interested in (which felt a lot like when The Boyfriend begged me to watch Smosh videos on YouTube last night, which I just barely made it through…), it’s so much nicer going on Twitter and I’m having a ton of fun. By far, my most favorite tweet from myself, so far, goes out to @Cmdr_Hadfield of International Space Station fame (this is one of those things that The Boyfriend got me interested in, that didn’t make me barf a little in my heart). I warn you, not only does it show you just how much of a nerd I really am, but it’s also my lamest and most favorite tweet ever:
@Cmdr_Hadfield I don't mean to sound like a total nerd - but if this were #StarTrek... I'm voting Picard, Riker and Data, who's with me?
After writing this, I’m off to do even more on the computer, before The Boyfriend officially decides it’s bedtime, which I’m sure is coming sooner rather than later, but if you want to read about my rough day, you can always continue reading…
It’s been a rough couple days around here and you can tell… You can tell the second you walk into my house and it’s dark and gloomy and nothing looks clean at all (even though we’ve been cleaning every single day) and it just looks like a house filled with sadness and stress. Frankly, because that’s exactly what this house is filled with right now. And I’m really really hating it….
The first thing that’s all out of whack is our financial situation and neither The Boyfriend or I can figure out how it’s going as wrong as it is. Back before we moved into this place, the house that is now dubbed “Gilchrist”, we were paying $300 more a month in rent, we were spending our money on a lot more stupid stuff like video games and movies and general electronics, we were paying a lot more where bills and utilities were concerned and somehow we managed to not always be hurting for money. I mean yes, we had our months, but it wasn’t like this where it seems to be constant.
Now, we’re paying $300 less, we’re no longer buying movies because we have Netflix, The Boyfriend hasn’t bought a video game that couldn’t be found in the cheap bin since we moved in here (oh, now that I think about it, one game new), and we have one less utility bill and the bills that we are getting are cheaper than they were in the other house. We have spent the last few weeks trying to see where we’re going wrong and the only thing that keeps coming to mind is the cost of our groceries.
With all the kids getting bigger and having fuller days, we’ve noticed that we’re spending about $100 more per week on groceries. And yes, there are a few things that The Boyfriend and I could cut down on big time, such as smoking and the amount of Sprite that I’m drinking or the number of store-bought coffees we could be getting, so yes, there are changes that can still be made to remedy this financial situation, but we can’t figure out what we’re doing wrong or differently from Gilchrist. And it’s bringing both of us down a lot.
For him, he feels nothing but guilt. He loves his job so much, he really does. I don’t think you’ll ever meet a Wal-Mart employee who has so much pride in his work and who loves working for that company as much as The Boyfriend does. But, he’s not getting paid enough to be able to support this big family of ours, he’s just not, not by himself anyways. And he feels incredibly guilty about that. He feels guilty because he can’t be a better provider while keeping this job that he loves and while I constantly remind him that I’d rather him be happy at a job than make tons of money, he still feels inadequate.
For me, I just keep thinking that I need to get back to work but right now it’s so damn hard. The big thing that’s standing in my way when it comes to returning to the workforce is a daycare. With my Mom working, she can’t really be relied on to watch the kids and even if she could, it could only be for 21 days out of the month because of her partner’s job. Getting them into a daycare facility or into a dayhome program, not only involves tons of waiting on waiting lists, but also costs a whole heck of a lot of money and if you didn’t catch it from all my ranting before, money is so damn tight right now that just thinking about having to throw out all that money is a hugely overwhelming shock to my system that I’m just avoiding thinking about it at all…
There also comes the issue of Keirnan and his half school days. If I were to get a job and couldn’t take the time off at lunch to get him to school, how would he get there? He wouldn’t, and as it is with how often he’s been sick or how often he’s had to stay home because Carter or I was too sick to walk him, the schools already calling about all his missed days… Just the whole thought of me going back to work right now is such a huge stressor and yet, I sincerely don’t think we’ll last too many more months with our crappy financial situation. It’s kind of like, I need a job or we’re completely screwed…
Then, we’re still dealing with all this Child Services stuff. Not technically Child Services anymore but that stuff. So, Child Services came in (as I’ve told you before) and even though the report that was filed against us was proven to be false on the very first day, the lady decided we still needed a little help as parents. After a few more interviews with her and a lot of being told that we simply weren’t doing a good enough job in her eyes, we were referred to a parenting program with another lady. I still don’t know exactly how I feel about it. One day I’ll think it’s a great idea and that The Boyfriend and I could use some help with some of the problems that we’re having with the kids and as parents. I mean, how many times do I vent to you guys all about how annoyed I am by the kids? That’d be nice not to do anymore. But then the next day, I’ll think that I really don’t need that kind of help when it comes to parenting and that I want the chance to figure it out on my own and that I stopped going to all the parenting programs I was a part of for a reason and those reasons still exist today. It’s a confusing time for my brain.
But, we really have no choice. If we don’t go to this program, our Child Services file will stay open and I fear that eventually, they won’t be nice about things anymore and eventually they’ll just take my kids and I absolutely do not want that. So, I concede to their wishes, no matter how much I fight with myself about it, because it’s necessary. So, I had my first appointment last Thursday and this Friday, The Boyfriend and I go for the first real assessment of our family… And I’m just not looking forward to it.
Firstly, because a lot of it will be discussing Alfie… We chose Kaeidyn as the kid we were going to focus on, because her and I just can’t seem to get along very well. We’re always arguing, our attitudes are always colliding and we’re both so stubborn that we don’t get anywhere with each other. At our first meeting, we discussed a little bit about our break-in awhile back and how that was a traumatic experience for her and then, her Dad got brought up. This is always such a sensitive subject for all of us, not just her. I mean, Alfie was a really toxic influence in our lives and easily was a traumatic experience for us all. The boys are all too young to really remember what it was like with him, but not Kaeidyn…
And the worst part is, is even though Alfie is hardly present at all in their lives anymore (save for the holidays and his birthday apparently), he still has such a massive effect on them. For instance, Kaeidyn has an email address and she uses it to send messages to her grandparents, sign up for computer game accounts and mostly, check in with her Dad. For awhile, he was responding to her as fast as he could and things were going really well. Then, he called and said he would start paying child support to us directly now that he had gotten this great paying job. Month one went by without a hitch and then the next month, he asked if he could not pay one week so that he could come and see the kids. I’ve always told him that to me, it’s more important to have him around than it is to have his money. And up until recently, we were doing fine without his money. So, I said yes to not paying that week so he could come see the kids.
That weekend went by and he never came to see them, never called and never sent any money. Kaeidyn had been emailing him non-stop during this time. Asking when he was coming down, asking how his day was going, just constantly with the emails. Not once did he respond. The kids got to see him last weekend, not because he paid money for it and not because he went out of his way to make sure he got to see them, but because his family did. Here he is, bragging about the new phone he got and the new this and that that he got, and still, Kaeidyn’s been emailing him, and there’s been no response. No one knows how to get in touch with him, he hasn’t called here in weeks and Kaeidyn can definitely tell that The Boyfriend and I are having some major freaking problems surrounding Alfie. We’re both beyond pissed at him.
I can’t stop beating myself up for ever choosing such a loser to be the father of 3 out of 4 of my kids, The Boyfriend can’t stop being angry that any dad can just “abandon” (his words, not mine) his kids like this and we’re both just not dealing well with this whole Alfie situation. And guaranteed, it’s going to get brought up over and over again in these parenting program appointments of ours and it’s just a great big stress that I would much rather not deal with. We’re just not having a good couple of days…
When last I wrote, I was dreadfully obsessed with Minecraft and a brand-new mega city that I began to build. I regret to inform you that not a single thing has changed – oh wait, something’s changed. Instead of working on my city, I’ve been helping The Boyfriend with his. He’s trying to make an adventure-type map for the kids to play on, with working cannons, an entire testing facility and we’re impatiently awaiting the next update so that we can spawn mobs!
It’s totally annoying how obsessed we all are. Though straight up, this is the best money we’ve ever spent on a game. I’ve never experienced us all being this obsessed months after buying it. It’s the only game we own that gets played every single day and definitely the only one we all fight over playing…
Not too much else has really been going on around here. We’ve been working on getting some laundry done, but most of our lights in the basement are blown out and we won’t be able to get anymore until payday. That’s one thing about this house compared to the last one, is that we go through light bulbs like crazy here and there are so many places that need light bulbs… It sucks when no one wants to go down into the basement because it’s so dark though.
The kids have all been sick and it’s absolutely no fun at all. It started with Keirnan and he’s kind of passed it on to everyone else. Lots of coughing and sniffling and a few people with fevers. I woke up yesterday with an itching in my eye that has persisted for two days now, that’s surely the signal that I’m going to be getting this cold next, which I am absolutely not looking forward to. I just started feeling really healthy again…!
And speaking of healthy, somehow, I managed to lose 12 pounds and for the first time since I started gaining weight, I was ecstatic to see the scale drop to the 158 mark, which officially puts me back in the healthy range for my BMI. I even feel skinnier, though I’m not looking too much different. It’s exciting to finally be going somewhere with my weight than just staying stagnant. Still have about 15 more pounds or so to go before I’m at a weight that I’m really happy with, but I’ll probably have to actually work for that…
So now, I’ve taken a break from Minecraft, because it’s bothering my eye and I’m thinking about working more on my mega city documents… That, or maybe I’ll do something else entirely. We’ll see how I feel. How’s your weekend been going?
The Rantings of a Tortured Mind 