The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Boggled Down


It has not been a good couple of days these last few ones. First of all, they seem to be dragging on forever and yet they seem too short to get anything of value done in them. Second, it all seemed to be going fine for us and I was feeling confident and then in one day, one moment, that all just kind of blew up for me and now I’m in this perpetual funk that is being relentless.

I get fired from my job, but I don’t freak out about it, because I wanted to get a different job anyways. And I’ve been looking. I’m being sort of selective, because I really don’t want to work something that I’m going to end up hating and quit in a months time. I want to work somewhere that I could end up being for a year or more and not hate it every single day. I am absolutely positive there is a job out there like that for me. But it wasn’t the end of the world.

Then the other day, my landlord pulls up outside and gives us an eviction notice. And while I freaked out about it in that moment and I get upset about it when I think about it too hard, it’s still not giving me this “it’s the end of the world” feeling that I expect to be feeling, but it sure is bringing me down and out. I just keep thinking about how much stress it was on me last time looking for a place to live, and I had one less kid then…

Another big issue of mine (if that’s what we could call it…), is that yet again, I feel like I’m going to be doing it all alone. Even though The Boyfriend will be there when he can be, and I’m sure my Mom would be more than willing to help out (as she wants us out of this dump as much as we want out), I just feel like all of it still falls on my shoulders and it’s my responsibility and frankly, I’m just fed up with having to be the absolute most responsible one out of everyone. And I know I deserve it and earned it. It was my choice to have this many kids, it was my fault, I should handle the consequences, kind of deal.

But I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and I feel completely boggled down. And I feel like no one gives a rats ass about all that and instead just thinks, “Oh well, you made your bed, now lay in it”. And while it’s true, it just makes me feel more alone and more overwhelmed. I’d just like a break from having to be the one to deal with all of this stuff.

So needless to say, I haven’t been in all that great of a mood lately, I don’t think that’s going to change anytime in the near future. I’ve been mostly trying to sleep it off. The good news is though, that The Boyfriend and I have accomplished a great deal of cleaning over the last few days (more The Boyfriend than me) and I’m hoping it’ll just keep getting cleaner and cleaner. So, that’s my week in a nutshell. How’s yours been?


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Cleaning, Work, Kids…


Today was a great day, even though The Boyfriend came home in a not-so-happy mood, and I’m writing this post to you in a still happy state. It’s been great! First, I got some cleaning done today. Not nearly as much as I had originally set out to do, but the kids were all being really pissy about the fact that cleaning was happening, that I only got to the kitchen. I’m counting it as an accomplishment!

Then, I made a delicious dinner, and it’s been awhile since I made dinner that wasn’t deep-fried. Otherwise it’s been takeout or The Boyfriend making dinner. So, it felt really nice to be cooking and experimenting with HP Sauce (which I haven’t used in a long while), and I even made delicious vegetables that the kids and I gobbled up in a heartbeat!

I also, after the last week of working on it, finished my resume and put one out into the employ-a-sphere. I really don’t know what I want to do in terms of work. On one hand, I’d really like to just stay home. I’ve been enjoying these last few days, and if I can get any part of my house more “in order”, than it would be totally worth it. I know my house was much cleaner back when I was a stay-at-home mom… But on the other hand, we really can’t afford me staying home for any long length of time. I’m thinking a couple weeks tops. We haven’t sat down and hashed out the numbers yet, but right now, we’re fine.

I’m also not sure if I really want to go back to being a stay-at-home mom. I mean, when I started working it wasn’t exactly because I wanted to be. It was because I was losing a huge chunk of my monthly income and needed to be working. I didn’t really feel ready to go back to work. But now, I’ve been working for over a year and except for the fact that I hated the job, I loved going to work. I loved interacting with adults, even though I missed the kids like crazy – and the lack of their drama…

But I’m also not sure of what kind of job I want to be going back to. Something like the last place, I don’t want. I would rather be broke-ass poor and struggling than do that again just to survive. I desperately want to work somewhere that I might leave at the end of the day feeling appreciated in some way. I want to work somewhere that doesn’t bore me to death. And the only jobs I’ve ever had like that were jobs like McDonalds – and I don’t want to go back to the food industry… I don’t think.

Oh well, not the point. I put a resume out there, so that’s all that matters right now. I figure do a couple every day, and eventually something’s gotta happen. Who knows what the future holds right now… In other news:

The kids are all doing relatively great, though some of them are sick and others are looking mighty beat up. Boys sure can be rough with one another… It’s exhausting. Keirnan had a bloody nose last night from hitting his face off of something and then today, Carter threw something at him and scraped his face. Carter has bruises just about everywhere on his body, most of them self-inflicted. He has become quite the stumbly, clumsy baby. It doesn’t help that he’s also a bit of a daredevil and can often be found jumping off the couch or half-walking, half-sliding down the stairs.

Kaeidyn’s had a cold that seems to not go away. She starts to get better and then guess who decides to go outside and take off her jacket, and next thing you know, she’s right back to where she was before. Today, she even took a nap because she wasn’t feeling good. I hate to say it, but I honestly love it when she’s sick. Normally, she doesn’t pay much attention to us adults in the sense that she could care less to really hang out with us. When she’s healthy, she’d prefer to be outside with her friends or drawing in her book. But when she’s sick, she loves to cuddle and insists on sitting near us and if I was having a bad day, it probably would’ve bugged me, but I’m having a wicked day and I loved all the cuddling.

Kenzie has been unbelievably loud. I don’t think he realizes how loud he’s being at all, but almost every time he opens his mouth, he’s shouting. Even if he’s not meaning to. He’s been doing relatively good on the game front, though it’s still something that is almost always being talked about. But we’ve been able to keep him off of it for a couple days at a time. It’s been good and I’m hoping it’ll just keep getting better. I’m not sure what we’re aiming for in terms of “rules and boundaries” surrounding games, but I’m sure we’ll know when we hit it or when we actually need to set a goal.

Other than that, things have been pretty calm and quiet around here (what’s new?), and things are going just as good as they always do 😉 How’s your week been?


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Short and Bitter


I am down and out again today. There are about a mazillion and one reasons why that could possibly so and yet, none of those things are even on my mind right now. Like, for instance, I went in to work yesterday morning and got called into the head bosses office. Two minutes later, I was walking right back out of the office as I had just been “dismissed”.

Not completely a shock or bother – especially being that I’ve been talking for weeks about looking for a different job, but still…

And yet, that’s not bothering me nearly as much as I would expect it to. It probably will shortly, but honestly, I’m kind of happy it happened. For a few reasons, such as:

  1. I wasn’t happy at the job anyways, so now I don’t have to be unhappy about it
  2. I was talking about leaving anyways, so now they’ve just made it that much easier
  3. I wanted to look for a new job, so now I can without having any other worries (outside of the typical job-hunting worries)
  4. I can spend a little time focusing on getting my house in order, which is so desperately needed it’s not even funny

I’m stressed about the money end of things, but I know that The Boyfriend and I will make it work, because that’s what we’ve always done. And we’ve lived on FAR less. So, all in all, in the long run, I’m not that upset about being “dismissed”. And yet, for some reason, I feel incredibly sad and I’m getting sick and tired of this happening so often lately.

I’ll be fine for a few days. No problems whatseover. Then out of nowhere, I’ll have a day or a couple days of this overwhelming sadness that makes me want to lay in bed all day. I don’t want to do anything or think about anything or make decisions or move. I just want to lay there, lifelessly.

Today is being one of those days. Yesterday, after I got fired, I came home and was fine. I spent the day working online, I watched the rest of the L Word (and can I just say, I freaking HATED the Season 6 finale! Who killed Jenny Schecter?!?) and The Boyfriend and I had some amazing quickie sex. Then I wake up this morning and at first, I thought I was fine. I even walked to the store to get morning coffees, which never happens! Like a bat out of nowhere, this sadness hit right before lunchtime and I’ve been spending the last 3 hours doing everything I can think of to make it stop and go away.

And I just want to know, how long is it going to last this time…?


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I do not look THAT pregnant!!


Well today wasn’t AS successful as I had hoped it would be, but I did go and get my ID. So two weeks time and I will officially have picture ID, which I plan to be much smarter about when it comes to knowing where it is, so that I don’t have to do this again for awhile…

I got a good majority of my online work done yesterday, so I felt mighty good about that until I started looking back at all the work I had done yesterday, and how much work still needed to be done. And not that it absolutely needs to get done, it’s just that I have a vision and I’m not getting close enough to that vision yet.

I started thinking I need a blogging/website buddy. Someone who can check out the things that I’m working on and give me feedback when I need it and gets my sometimes scattered thinking. Kind of like what I do with The Boyfriend’s blog idea, just a little less involved. Because with him, not only do I give him ideas and edit all of his writing, I also customize the blog and the newsletter. NOTE: All this stuff is still in the works and we’re still not ready to release anything, I was just writing that as an example.

It’s been a mostly lazy day today, which I really have to stop having so many of. But it’s been pretty hot all day today and I don’t have any summer type clothes, so I’ve been sitting in front of my fan for most of the day, except when I went to Mom’s earlier, where I was sitting in front of her fan…

The kids were all relatively good, though thanks to the recent clumsiness and Mama T’s cat, they are all scratched and dinged up. Kenzie has scratches all along his back from falling out of or onto (not really sure…) a tree or maybe from sliding down the ladder off the top bunk of his bed. He also has a bump on his head from the day that he decided to spin around in Kaeidyn’s small room – albeit it was very clean – hit the playhouse and stumbled knocking his head on Kaeidyn’s metal bed frame (Ouch!).

Carter has cat scratches all over his body. From his forehead, to his stomach and his legs, he is so rough with Mama T’s cat, so she gets him really good. The worst part is, I think he likes it. I’ve never heard him cry from a cat scratch, he seems to egg it on and seeks it out, and Nat (that’s the cat’s name), was the first REAL word he said and now says with ease. He’s also added Mom, but he’ll only say that when he’s telling on one of the other kids, Mama – for Grandma –  and Dad, but this is only when he really wants a bottle or something else that he can point at…

Kaeidyn and Keirnan are the least wounded, but theirs seems to be more serious. Kaeidyn had a few mosquito bites (few is a little bit of understatement), so her legs are completely scabbed up. Her knee is still scabbing over, which she scratches off, causing it to scab over again, but it’s looking really good. Keirnan tripped over his own feet today and scraped up his knee rather nicely. So it was a really good thing that the last time we went shopping, I picked up band-aids.

Things between The Boyfriend and I are pretty much going the way the always go, so there’s not much to report on that front. We kind of stay in our own spaces, but somehow it never gets boring and it never gets annoying and it never makes me feel like I’m lonely. There’s only one area of our life that needs improving and I keep begging for it and he keeps making it sound like maybe one day… Minor details at this point.

Work has been kind of hit or miss. Some days, I love my job completely and other days it’s the last place I want to be. They’re going through sort of a transition at work as we look at moving offices, hiring on new people, and going online. I think everyone is just kind of stressed out about the whole thing, so the atmosphere has been stressed and hectic. Some days, it’s exactly what I need and it makes me feel alive. Other days, it just feels like one more thing added to my already over flowing plate.

So that’s pretty much my latest update of all the crap that’s been going on. Oh, I don’t know if I mentioned this yet, but I can officially say that I’ve lost 5 pounds, so only 25 more to go before I’m completely satisfied. I got asked for a 2nd time today if I was expecting and all I have to say is, Seriously people, I do not look THAT pregnant!! Stop making assumptions!! So, how’s your week going?