The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Venty McVenterson


These last few days are just dragging on and on and seem to be going at such a slow pace that I can feel myself aging. I don’t even know where to begin to be completely honest.

On Friday, I got woken up to banging on the door. I ignored it at first, but it was just being relentless. When I did finally get up to check on it, it was Child Services again. Someone at the school called on us about a variety of things that were not based in fact at all. I spent all of Friday crying about it and I was just in a really bad way about this particular call. Kaeidyn had been talking to her counselor and apparently something she said during one of their meetings was essentially part of the report and so Kaeidyn felt like it was her fault they got called on us this time.

On top of my own crappy emotions about this whole thing, I also had to reassure my 8-year-old that she didn’t do anything wrong and that she wasn’t going to get taken away because of it. Needless to say, I’m worried out of my mind about that little girl. She trusted this counselor and now I’m worried that that trust is going to be gone and she’s going to have no one to talk to about all of the frightened and scared feelings she has – because she’s still dealing with the trauma of the break in. So now, on top of the stress of having to prove my worth as a perfectly decent parent, I have to stress about finding her a new counselor and one that she might be able to trust and it feels like I’m going to break any minute…

So, we spent the next few days cleaning and getting ready for Child Services to come back to the house. All in all, this went really well. The Boyfriend and I are finally not sleeping in the living room, but moved our bed up to a room. I also went on a Kijiji hunt for couches and ended up scoring a 3-seater couch with 2 recliners and a love seat recliner. Our living room finally looks like a living room and not a teenagers messy bedroom. We’ve all really been enjoying it and The Boyfriend especially likes how much closer he can sit to the TV and comfortably on top of it!

Alfie also called, after over two months of no contact whatsoever. He was coming into town. So now, he’s been over here and while he had originally come up with some lame excuse as to his lack of presence, he eventually came around to the truth of the matter. Apparently he’s been getting in some trouble and had to deal with that. I’ve had to deal with my feelings surrounding him a lot these last few days. The Mommy in me is having a very volatile argument with herself about this guy in my kids life. A really big part of the mommy in me doesn’t want him having anything to do with my kids and I’ve come to the conclusion that under no circumstances will he be allowed to be alone with the kids anytime soon. Another job lost, another friendship destroyed, another stint with the police involved and really, it’s too much for my heart and head to handle. He’s just such a big disappointment… But the other part of the mommy in me thinks, “He’s their Dad”… Even though you’d never know it!

Things between my Mom and I have also been tense, which is not giving me any rest. I mean, really, they’re still wonderful and we’re talking just as much as we ever did. But I keep turning to her, thinking she’s my support and she should be supporting me, but for some reason, I’m not getting the support I feel like I need from her. Instead, I’m getting a lot of lectures and suggestions and opinions about all the things I’m doing wrong and there is absolutely no focus on what I’m doing right – unless it’s an afterthought because my feathers are ruffling. I even snapped at her the other day that I don’t come to her to hear what I can hear from the government, I come to her to hear that they’re wrong – especially when that’s the truth! It would be different if I was doing so much wrong, but I’m not. They didn’t even know about the dirty house until they got here and even then, the only comment made was about the floor in the kitchen which hadn’t been mopped in two days.

I wrote my first song in years the other day. It was interesting and I forgot how good that feels and how much I enjoy doing it. I don’t know what I’m going to call this song or how it’s going to sound once I add an instrument to the mix, but I had great fun writing it and it was an incredible release for me. I felt like I said all that I needed to say in 2 verses, a bridge and a chorus. It’s beautiful when that happens and it felt really nice.

Tomorrow, we go for program again. The Boyfriend is looking forward to it because he’s been incredibly stressed out about this last Child Services case, even though our file has been closed now. He’s taking this one personally, even though I’m not exactly sure why. I think he’s just reached his breaking limit as well. Needless to say, he’s looking forward to getting it all off his chest, because he hasn’t really yet. Is it terrible that I’m almost excited to see what he goes in there with? I mean, obviously we’ve talked and I’ve heard what he has to say, but he’s just so much more theatrical when it’s not just me and him, and I enjoy seeing that side of him, but I especially enjoy that it’s the only time that you can really tell that he’s as complex as he likes to say he is 😉

Well, I think that’s pretty much it. I’m sure I’ll think of something else later. I’ll add the song lyrics eventually too. Now, it’s time to listen to tunes and veg  until the older kids get home. Thanks for reading!


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The Last Few Days


I have been meaning to come on here for days and write, because I’ve been craving it. It hasn’t been for lack of things to write about…

This week has been an incredibly crazy week filled with a large roller coaster ride of emotions that has just left me feeling plain exhausted. For the last two days, I’ve done nothing but lay in bed pouting and complaining about how sore my body is. There have been good moments and bad over the last few days, but I seem to be stuck in a rut when it comes to whatever feeling it is that I’ve been having that seems to come and go, well, for the last few days it’s been staying and holding tight with a deadly grip.

I wouldn’t say this is depression, because the feeling isn’t sad really. Then again, I’m sleeping a lot lately and I have a thousand and one reasons why depression would make sense. And maybe I am a little depressed and just in denial, but it’s not to this terrible point yet. I’m just beginning to notice that it’s beginning to affect me negatively and as I’ve said, these come and go in waves (as you’ll notice if you read back over the last few months), so I’m sure the tide is going to flow outwards again and I’ll be able to catch my breath.

So let’s talk about the last few days…

First, we started watching Dexter on Netflix. I really really love this show like crazy. We’ve even let the kids watch a few episodes and it is the most interested in a TV show we seem to be able to get them lately. Even got The Boyfriend hooked. But what I didn’t expect from this show was how much it would act as a major trigger for me. I kept thinking, “There should be a warning somewhere…”, because on multiple occasions  it has brought me back to places where terrible things have happened or terrible thoughts have occurred and I just wasn’t expecting it at all… For the most part, this is easy to deal with in the moment and I’m often over it shortly after the show ended, but some of the things seem to really be sticking in my mind and keeping the tide over my head.

Then, Kenzie and I have not been doing very well together. For some reason, he is in the stage of absolutely hating my guts and making it known at every possible turn. Obviously I know that he doesn’t actually hate my guts, but he insists on saying it to me every single day, multiple times a day. The one that is the hardest to deal with is the first thing in the morning one, which just turns my entire day to crap before it even gets started. There’s no worse way to start your day than to hear “I hate you” coming from your flesh and blood’s mouth.

We went through much the same thing with Kaeidyn, right around this age too, and for the life of me, I can’t remember how we dealt with it. I know that it didn’t last as long with Kaeidyn as it is with Kenzie and everything that we’ve attempted to do with Kenzie thus far has not worked at all. It all seems to add fuel to the fire and it’s been difficult. I often feel the least in control of my kids in that moment and like I’m never going to feel as if they respect me and all that I’ve done for them. Being over-dramatic I suppose…

The Boyfriend and I had program again this week, which goes as good as it always does. This was basically a review of the questionnaires that we filled out the last time we had went and basically to see where we stand based on our answers to all these questions. Oddly enough, on the depression test, The Boyfriend scored as more depressed than I was and it was the first time in my life that I scored as only mildly at risk for depression.  My favorite part of this whole entire appointment was when we were going over our Parenting Confidence and Satisfaction questionnaires, in which both The Boyfriend and I scored very high in our overall confidence but rather low on the satisfaction end of thing. Our worker asks, “Why do you think you got this result?” and The Boyfriend throws up his hands and goes, “This!”.

We both broke off to explain the “This!” as being more than just the program itself, but the whole parenting situation that we’ve been experiencing for the last few months, what with all the child services visits and the constant issues with the kids and the feeling of being so overwhelmed by this job. I pointed out that there was never any question about how good of parents we were, but how good of housekeepers we were and yet we had to go to parenting classes not housekeeping classes. We both vented and it felt really good and really nice. It’s also nice because our worker strongly believes in focusing on the positive, so we haven’t heard much negative at all about our parenting which is nice!

In other news entirely, we just jumped over the 100 member mark in The Erotic Writers Group Google+ Community. I’m spending as much of the rest of the night as The Boyfriend will let me catching up on all the stuff that I’ve missed out on over the last few days of my absence  from the computer. Hopefully I’ll be able to update you with more about all that fun stuff later. Well, I hope you’re all having a wonderful weekend and staying warm during this lovely “spring” snowstorm 😉


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Quarter-Life Crisis, Part 1


I kind of feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster ride right now. Maybe it’s post-period-hormones or maybe it’s all the thoughts that I’ve been thinking the last couple of day or maybe it’s the fact that the sun keeps giving me headaches so I’ve been living in the dark as much as possible (by keeping my curtains closed) or maybe it’s none of those things and it’s something else entirely that I just haven’t acknowledged yet or it could even be all of the above…

One second, I feel almost elated. I feel joy and peace and happiness and like the world around me is light and relaxed and calm. And usually, the things that are going on in these moments evoke those types of feelings. I’ve spent a lot of times being close with the kids these last few days. Their behaviors have all been relatively top notch, Kaeidyn and I haven’t really argued in days, the most I’ve had to put up with is noisiness and the occasional tantrum from Kenzie. Carter I guess has been worse than usual, but it seems so minor compared to what I normaly have to deal with… I’ve also spent a lot of time on the computer actually getting things done, even though it may not seem like it, and that feels really good too. I always feel better after a good computer session.

Other areas that I’ve been doing really good in include the cleaning (at least on the main level of the house), which hasn’t gotten too out of control over the last week or so and for that reason, it’s been incredibly easy to keep up on. And I’ll let it go for a day or so before I’ll do another good clean and the biggest mess we’ve had is paper. I’ve been doing the dishes on a regular basis and insisting that the garbage get changed frequently. All in all, the cleaning has been good. Waking up has been going relatively well too. While I’m still sleeping in later than I would like to, at least now I’m waking up consistently at the same time every day.

We also got a huge boost in parenting confidence the other day, when we had our program worker come to the house to do an observation of us as a family. She wanted to see us do an activity together as a family, so we made some paper airplanes. All the kids have been getting more and more into paper airplanes now that they’ve discovered they can make them all by themselves, which is why there has been so much paper all around. So we chose to make paper airplanes so the kids could show off their skills, plus, the only other real activity we do as a family is play video games or go for walks…

She was really impressed with The Boyfriend and the way he would help the kids figure out how to copy his “jets”. Of course he is really good at giving instructions because he is a manager after all, but he is especially cute when he’s doing it with kids. He has so much patience for them. She was also impressed that the kids and I have a way of talking without ever using words, like when Kaeidyn and I were talking and Keirnan interrupted, I put my finger up for him to wait a minute and he actually waited. I never really noticed that we did this but now that I think about it, it happens for a whole bunch of things. Mostly things that mean that they are supposed to stop something. We also do things like I love you, rock on and Live Long and Prosper to each other, because we’re all nerds like that.

So all in all, there’s been lots of reasons to be up pretty high on the roller coaster. But over the last two days, the first two after my period, I’ve been having massive swings into sudden and overwhelming blahness. It’s not even sad, it’s just a general state of blah. Like I don’t know how I feel in these moments, because it’s kind of like not feeling at all. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel angry, I just don’t really feel anything. In these moments, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be there, I just don’t… And while these moments almost never last very long, they’ve been on my mind. I keep trying to analyze them or something, trying to figure out what they mean or what’s causing them, but often times that analyzing is what’s sending me into them.

And a lot of times, it’s happening over small stuff with The Boyfriend, that sends me into the spiral. Nothing really all that crazy either. For example, he comes home from work last night and he’s incredibly sore. He thinks he’s having a quarter-life crisis, like a mid-life crisis but in his 20’s. He’s not feeling as sprite as he used to and it’s affecting him and we both believe that it’s more mental than it is actually physical. His brain is saying “Okay, you’re 26 now, that’s when we said that you were an old man” and he’s being reminded of his family saying things like “You’ll feel that when you’re older”, which apparently 26 is older, so because his brain is saying all these things, his body is feeling his age.

So, for the first time in our relationship, through broken wrists and spinal taps, for the first time, I’m hearing him whine. Now I’m a whiner, so I have no right to say anything about him whining and I’m absolutely not complaining. I think it’s cute that he’s whining. But here I am, never hearing him whine before, and I’m clueless as to how to support him through this big mental/physical struggle he’s going through. I know how I would want to be supported through it, but I’ve also never been a very strong (physically speaking) type of person but he has and I’m sure his pride is suffering somewhere in there. I’m still not exactly sure how to support him through it but I figure I’ll just wing it and see what works.

However, every time I do support him, it seems to send me into a spiral of thinking and analyzing. And I guess to a degree, this all has to do with really realizing that I’ve been rejecting a huge part of me because of our relationship, so really it’s clouding all my thinking about our relationship.

Don’t get me wrong in anyway. I love The Boyfriend in a more deep and profound way than I think I’ve ever loved anyone. I have never experienced such a wonderful and amazing relationship that I believe is strong and stable in every single way possible. I never look at him and think “Oh my god, I wish this relationship would just end already” and I have not thought once about breaking anything off with him. On the contrary. I’ve been thinking heavily about spending the rest of my life with this man and how for the first time in my life, I seriously cannot wait to be married. I cannot wait to have him propose to me, I cannot wait to wake up to his face every single morning for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to grow old together. I really do love him so much.

This next bit may get sexual, so click through to read it if you’re interested…


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Glad to Get On Here


I cannot tell you how happy I am that I got on the computer tonight… Absolutely and totally happy. It was a rough day today, which made where my bed seemed like the best place in the world to be. We’ll start with how I came to be on the computer and then maybe we’ll jump back to the rough day part of the story – we’ll see how I feel.

So, I’m laying in bed playing Minecraft and Keirnan and Kenzie have been sent up to bed and didn’t cause that much of hassle when it came to actually sleeping. Kaeidyn however, was still awake and in a most talkative mood and my brother (who is doing amazing, by the way…) and cousin are both here visiting. Carter, my dear sweet Carter, was being a most miserable brat. None of the other kids got donuts before bed and I had decided that Carter wasn’t going to get donuts before bed either, but Uncle and Great-Cousin (though they call him Uncle) had gotten donuts. Carter was most unhappy and cried for close to an hour straight. Over and over again with “I want a donut” and “I didn’t get a donut”.

Then, out of nowhere, the cry changes from a semi-manageable cry to a wail. He’s “ow”-ing away. Lately, he’s really enjoyed half hanging off of surfaces when he sits at them. It’s mostly because as he uses whatever is on the surface in front of him, he manages to push it away from himself. We’ll find him dangling by his belly button from the computer desk because he’s pushed the keyboard all the way back to where he can’t reach it from the chair or at dinner time, dangling from the table because he pushed his plate too far away while eating… Somewhere along all the dangling today, he had managed to get – I’m not sure what you would call it, almost like rug burn but from the wood-like-stuff on the table. It seemed like one from much earlier today, possibly from when The Boyfriend and I weren’t here (more on that later).

Anyways, I cleaned it all up and put some Polysporin on it and talked him through the last of his upsets about the donut, and had convinced him that he needed to take a bath. Out of all of the kids, he definitely needs to be bathed the most. So now, instead of whining about the donuts, he’s now whining because he wants to hurry up and go for a bath. I shut off the games and The Boyfriend decided that he was going to play for awhile. Normally this means, when I come downstairs, I can either sit there and watch him play games or go on the computer – so, go on the computer it was.

And once again, I say unto you, I am most pleased that I did. First, I jump on Facebook (as usual) and immediately find some interesting stuff that had me laughing. Then, I jumped on Twitter. Oh wait, I don’t know if I told you this yet… If you’ll notice, in the sidebar, there is a Twitter feed and if you’ve followed me around the web for quite some time (which I know that I’m really the only one who follows me around on the web… :(), you’ll notice that this isn’t the same as it’s always been. The one there, happens to be the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Twitter feed. Some time ago, I had gotten completely fed up with my personal Twitter feed. I was following a lot of people that I had no idea who they were, it was all disorganized and I absolutely despised my previous Twitter handle: @blogaholica – the “a” on the end just always really bugged me…

But recently, I went through my old Twitter account, changed my handle, deleted almost everyone I was following that I didn’t know and had never actually said a word to me and re-organized the whole thing so that I knew what I was working about. I’m pretty sure I alluded to this a couple posts ago. But it was essentially spring cleaning of all my social networks. So, I revamped and came back as @ValerieRayne13 and have been having a great time.

Now that I’m not following a bunch of people who are talking about things that I’m just not interested in (which felt a lot like when The Boyfriend begged me to watch Smosh videos on YouTube last night, which I just barely made it through…), it’s so much nicer going on Twitter and I’m having a ton of fun. By far, my most favorite tweet from myself, so far, goes out to @Cmdr_Hadfield of International Space Station fame (this is one of those things that The Boyfriend got me interested in, that didn’t make me barf a little in my heart). I warn you, not only does it show you just how much of a nerd I really am, but it’s also my lamest and most favorite tweet ever:

After writing this, I’m off to do even more on the computer, before The Boyfriend officially decides it’s bedtime, which I’m sure is coming sooner rather than later, but if you want to read about my rough day, you can always continue reading…

Continue reading


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Failure is Natural, Apparently


It’s just absolute second nature to me, failing… I fail at everything and usually it’s in the most epic way possible. I can’t just complete a freaking goal. Seriously, how hard is it to blog every single day? Not that hard, especially when I’ve had so freaking much to write about. But, this is the first time in at least 5 days that I’ve even gotten on the computer…

The funk that I had been talking about a few days ago, not only got worse but lasted for a long time. Even at this point, I’m not sure I’m out of it or if this is just a little break it’s allowing me to take. I haven’t felt this agitated, depressed, overwhelmed, and just generally upset in a really long time. Today, thank goodness, is being a decent day and I haven’t been boggled down by nothing but negative thoughts but it’s the first day in almost a week that I’ve felt this good.

For the most part, this last week really sucked.

First, I lost all love of blogging literally overnight. I even sat down with The Boyfriend and had a serious discussion with him about not blogging anymore… I’m not sure what sparked this feeling that I’m done with it and I still haven’t even made a decision one way or another. I just sometimes feel like I waste so much of my time on blogging (on all my blogs) and for no real purpose. I’m just losing all my blogging hope. Hope for what, I don’t know, but I’m losing it… And I can’t believe how seriously I’ve considered stopping, because if I don’t have blogging, what do I have?!?

Then, the week continued to get worse as I felt more and more bad about thinking about quitting blogging. My Mom had come over after I had had a stressful couple of days and was just feeling generally down and out. As we’re talking on my bed, a lady comes up to my door. Turns out, yet again, someone called Child Services on us – this time, we apparently had no food. I invited her into the house and was all proud because our cupboards were filled with food, so there was no merit to this report that they had gotten. But because of our previous issue with them, she’s decided to keep our case opened…

Our house was relatively clean and what wasn’t cleaned, got that way before she came over again. I figured it would be as simple as showing her that we could get the little bit of mess that was here cleaned up and she would close our case and everything would be fine. But no… Instead, she thinks that both The Boyfriend and I need some additional parenting help, so until we start getting that, our case is staying open.

I wish that I didn’t have to keep proving myself over and over again as a perfectly capable parent. Yes, my house gets dirtier than it should and that’s something that I am sincerely working on. Other than that, there is nothing anyone can say about me that puts me into the bad parent category that continually needs to be monitored by a government agency. They’ve interviewed the kids multiple times now and each time results in the same thing, the kids saying that they are happy in the situation they have and that they wouldn’t change it for the world… They’ve now interviewed me multiple times and The Boyfriend twice and they know we are aware of the problems we do have, we are taking steps to deal with the problems we do have and we’re willing to do even more. I’m not sure what more we could possibly do to prove that we’re not shit parents.

And I’m absolutely tired of people who have never even set foot into my house, calling about things they have no idea about. We don’t even know who called on us this time, which just drives me even more up the wall. It was most definitely someone who has never been in my house, that’s all I know for sure. It makes parenting so much harder though when you aren’t even given the chance to be confident in what you are doing, but instead are constantly wondering when the next time someone is going to file a false report about you. I just hate that I work my ass off day in and day out to provide my kids with the things they need, to give myself to them and be there for them, when I’m exhausting myself stressing out about them, and none of it seems to make even a fraction of a difference. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s comforting, haters gonna hate…

After the lady left, both the first and second visits, I was beyond ready to throw in the towel. I kept saying over and over again that if the government really thought I was just that terrible of a parent, they should just take the kids or that I should just send them to live with Alfie and let him deal with constantly having every aspect of his parenting shoved down his throat as an improvement he needs to make. Obviously, these are only thoughts and not actually something I would do. I couldn’t stand having my kids taken from me, even by their own dad…

Then, my brother was in the hospital for a couple days and we were all excited about any progress he might be able to make. They put him back on the same old meds that he was on last time, at a super-low-dose and then sent him home. For a day or two, he seemed alright. A little bit crazy here and there, but nothing that wasn’t manageable. Then, out of nowhere, he’s right back to absolute crazy even while he’s still on the meds. So, we’ve been dealing with him whenever the house that he’s living out no longer feels “safe” to him. It’s stressing everyone out and we all seem bitchy because of it.

It’s just been a whirlwind week of crap and I don’t even think I’ve opened the whole can left. It’s like when you open a can of corn and you’re shaking it all out but there’s still a huge clump of kernels not letting go. I haven’t even delved into that clump. That’s how I feel… It sure makes a person want to sleep a whole heck of a lot!


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Not Going Good


I don’t feel like I’m in a good way today… Hell, I don’t feel like I’ve been in a good way for weeks now. First of all, I’m re-sick again. I began feeling better, I was finally able to breathe through my nose and I was just dealing with a cough and then I woke up two days ago with my throat absolutely scratching away and my nose all runny again. And it’s happening to everyone.

Kaeidyn was up half the night last night coughing and growling through her stuffed nose, keeping The Boyfriend awake. He’s now into the constant headaches part of this cold and Kenzie woke up this morning hacking his lungs out. Carter has had a non-stop runny/stuffed nose for a good couple of weeks now. But I’m most pissed that I’ve restarted this cold.

I don’t do well with colds. They make all of me hurt. I can’t sleep properly at night, I can’t wake up properly during the day, I can’t function like a normal person when I’m sick. And don’t even get me started on how much I’m not functioning and how much that’s bringing me completely down. I feel myself just wanting to sleep my entire life away and apparently that’s what I’ve been trying to achieve.

But I am downright exhausted… I think the earliest I’ve gone to bed in the last few weeks was around 1 AM. Last night, I was up until way after 3 in the morning, just tossing and turning. Other nights, I stay awake listening to all the sounds in the house. Other nights, I just lay there awake and cannot finally sleep. Finally, I guess, exhaustion consumes me and I eventually fall asleep – hours and hours after everyone has already fallen asleep.

By the time the alarm goes off at 6:30, I’m just starting to actually get into a deep sleep. So I sleep through The Boyfriend’s alarm. He resets it for 7:30 and that’s when the kids are supposed to wake up to get ready for school – though every morning but today, they’re normally up way before that. I’ve been staying in bed when they wake up, half awake, half asleep and make sure they grab everything they need for school. Then after they leave, I tend to fall right back to sleep to catch up on the hours of sleep that I’ve missed. And it’s a terrible habit…

Today, I woke up earlier than usual because the kids were all getting into candy, they were all being loud and rambunctious, and the phone would not stop ringing. The second I sat up in bed, I just felt today being the world’s crappiest day. The Boyfriend called from work and broke more bad news to me and now I can’t stop feeling like I’m on the verge of crying. I don’t want to move and I just want to go back to sleep…

I am just so tired of this life not being kind to me. Every time I think that things are starting to get better for us in anyway, the universe has to bring me back down to reality and remind me that apparently, things are never going to start getting better for us. It’s pissing me off a lot. We were so excited about the big chunk of money we’d be saving in bills and rent when we moved into this place and so far, we’re not seeing that change at all. Somehow, our money is lasting less time. And while a small portion of that can be accounted for in extra food expenditures (since our kids are always hungry), I just don’t know where the rest of it’s going.

There is literally too much that I can whine about. I was doing good keeping the house clean and then this cold hit and now I can’t seem to bring myself to want to do any cleaning whatsoever. Like I said, I just want to sleep… I look around the house and automatically feel exhausted and automatically have to force myself not to just climb back into bed. Things are just not going good for me…


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Trying to Figure It Out


I can’t stop talking about how much I need to get things back on track around here. I did so good for the first two or three weeks here and now, everything is completely slacking… And I’ve got plans like crazy. Now it’s just a matter of putting all those plans into action, which seems to be the absolute hardest thing in the world for me…

First, I need to start waking up at a regular time again. I went from waking up everyday at 7:30 to now, where I’m waking up whenever the heck I feel like it before 11:30. I just barely let myself become conscious enough to get Kaeidyn and Kenzie out the door before falling back asleep while Keirnan and Carter watch TV. And while it is truly blissful to have that extra time to sleep, it makes me lazy for the rest of the day.

Then, I need to start making the kids lunches again. After them not making their lunches properly for the past few weeks and after the messes I’ve experienced because of allowing them to make their own lunches, this needs to happen immediately! I just cannot for the life of me figure out what the best way and time to do this is. Do I want to do it the night before school or do I want to do it in the morning before school? Would I prefer to get down to making all weeks lunches once a week or does making them daily work for me? I also need to start discovering more healthy snack choices for school because I’m not liking what we’re choosing lately.

I also need to get some paper organizing going on around here. We got a file cabinet and files, but it’s in a awkward spot. Accessing it comfortable typically involves moving furniture around and the file cabinet part of it is so low that it almost never occurs to me to look at it. Kaeidyn ended up missing a birthday party because I put the invitation in her file folder and forgot that it was there entirely. I’m just unsure how to best do it. I’ve got tons of ideas floating around in my head. I saw one thing on Pinterest today that I thought was rather cool, having a whole bunch of little one inch binders for everything from finances to household management tasks like cleaning and scheduling and electronics manuals. But I feel like I’ll put the binders up and have them all fancified and then never do anything with them.

I’ve been trying to do all of that type of stuff on the computer with documents and spreadsheets, but it’s just not being out there enough for me to keep up with it. I need something that is bam, in my face. I need something that demands my attention and sticks out like a sore thumb. We’ve decided we desperately need a printer and a place to put all this important stuff. Now it’s just a matter of making sure money goes towards the printer and deciding what’s going to work best for all of us.

I gotta get back into a cleaning routine. I was doing so good doing dishes all day long and laundry all day long and sweeping and mopping on a regular basis. But when I came down with my cold (which can you believe, I’m still not over…), it all just started to slide. Sliding to the point where I haven’t done any of today’s dishes, the floor only got swept and mopped because The Boyfriend was restless while I was playing video games. Which is another thing I’ve just been doing way too much of. Video games on the TV, games on the computer, just too much…

I just want to get my life on some sort of organized type of track. And I want everyone to be on board with it. I just need to figure out how…