The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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What I’ve Been Tweeting and Re-Tweeting



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Lonely Journey


I have been sore… Really sore. It’s made me not want to leave my bed for days now. I’m also stressed… Really stressed. I’m stressed because I have the longest to-do list I think I’ve ever had and I have absolutely no idea where to start. I’ve gotta get my taxes done, get on The Boyfriend’s ass to get his taxes done, we’ve got a house that is perpetually dirty and even when I work my ass off on keeping it clean, can’t seem to keep it that way. We’ve got a lot of money-stuff to figure out, not necessarily because we’re hurting in that department, but because we don’t want to be hurting in that department a few months from now. Plus, these weekly appointments of ours are just causing me a lot of headache, so much planning around that every week…

I’m just stressing in general…

Not to mention the mound of work I’ve created for myself online and the amount of times that I’m too sore to get on the computer, it’s just a never-ending long list of things that have to get done and that seem to never get any closer to actually being done. It’s a headache and a half. I mean, I’m happier than I’ve ever been that all the work that I’ve been doing for the last long while is finally getting going somewhere, it feels like a great accomplishment. I’m even happy about the headache of going into this new “future” with all my online activities. It’s just a lot to deal with and it gets to the point of feeling overwhelming when it’s just little ole me and no support in real-time about this stuff.

Like for example, I go to brag online about reaching over 100 members in The Erotic Writers Community and people online are cheering me on, “Keep up the good work!”-style, then I go to my Mom and The Boyfriend and brag again, and both of them stare at me blankly and in monotonous tones drearily reply, “Oh, that’s great…”. I’ll never get over how isolating all my online activities are, because no one else seems to be interested… Did I even tell you about the conversation The Boyfriend and I had the other night?

He’s going off about how I need to finish reading one of his R.A. Salvatore books, since I started reading the series and now the next book that I have to read, he only has in this huge hardcover 3-volume thing. It’s way too heavy to read in the bathtub, the only place I really ever get around to reading. I roll my eyes at him, because he’s always pestering me to read these books even though he knows I’m not a huge fan of fantasy-novels. It’s different with R.A. Salvatore, because I’ve found the Drizzt stories to be incredible, but I’d rather read my books every once and awhile.

Then, later, he goes off about how I need to start playing this and this game, so that we could talk about it, compare scores, blah blah blah. Again, I roll my eyes and say to him, “It’s kind of dumb that I have to be interested in all the things that you’re interested in, and you don’t have to be interested in any of mine. How many times have I begged you to read The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty? When was the last time you even looked at my blog or my website? I don’t even recall you reading the story that I wrote and I made a whole damned blog around your story!!”, to which his response was to pout cutely and give me his “You’re making me feel guilty” face.

And prior to this conversation, I never really thought about how much that stuff bugged me, because it didn’t really seem relevant. It seems like such petty stuff to care about at all. But after this conversation (more like venting) and after his lack of real response, it’s just kind of sticking with me. And not that The Boyfriend isn’t more interested (even though when I do really think about it, it stings), but just that there’s no one that’s interested. And I know that there’s other people out there… Just not in my sphere I suppose.

I still just find it incredible that in the entire time that this blog has been going, The Boyfriend has never even visited the page. Never even looked at it. On one of my old blogs, apparently I wrote something that basically said I was unhappy with The Boyfriend (although, no matter how hard I try, I cannot find this entry at all). His sister, who used to read my blogs, told him about this post and he decided on that day that he would never read about the “mean things” I was writing about him. I still don’t know what post he thinks I was being mean to him in, because when I read back through all those posts, I don’t see it that way – but I guess that’s what happens when you’re the one writing and feeling and stuff…

Don’t get me wrong, The Boyfriend is incredibly supportive about all my online stuff. He’ll listen patiently as I ramble on about idea after idea and he leaves the computer wide open for me for whenever I get a jolt of online inspiration and need to be in front of the computer, he doesn’t mind when I’d rather blog than cuddle and he’s willing to put his hard earned money into all of my blogging adventures. He supports me entirely on this journey. But it’s still a lonely journey…


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Self-Promotional Babbling


I have so many online-type things that I have to get done today that it’s almost a little ridiculous. I stayed up late last night waiting on The Boyfriend to get home and during that time, sat on the computer clicking around without actually accomplishing anything. I literally have so much that I want to get done that I went to bed dreaming about it all and woke up this morning, earlier than both The Boyfriend and I had planned for me, because the thoughts of all the stuff that I want to get done were drowning out my ability to sleep.

I don’t know if anyone else here is as nutty as me, but I spent the entirety of last night dreaming about Google+… As you know, The Erotic Writers Group on Google+ has recently jumped over the 100 member mark and let me tell you, I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited. On Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, we are only able to have 50 members at a time and when I reached that the first time, I was more than thrilled. But 100!! That’s an awesomely epic number.

But I really want to use Google+ more and better. Right now, I’m really only active in this one community – even though I technically have 2 communities going and I think it’s 2 pages (for Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous and Blog-A-Holic Designs), but I don’t update them enough. I also never write personal status updates, even though I would really enjoy doing so. I generally just want to use Google+ more, at least as often as I use Facebook. But even then, when it comes to computer-related things, my activity has dropped dramatically recently and I want that to change.

I also want to learn more about Google+ hangouts and had that on my brain non-stop last night. I mean yes, it would be fun to do a hangout for personal reasons, but for the most part, I’m thinking about Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous stuff. And while I’ve done tons of research on things like broadcasting an online radio show or writing a script for YouTube videos and have a wad of tips and tricks stashed in my brain desperately waiting for use, I feel like it’s not Google+ specific enough and want to do a lot more research on it.

Question: Do you know of any good adult-themed Google+ hangouts? If so, share them in the comments, because I really want to see what other people are doing!

It’s incredible how long my list of things to do on the internet is, easily it’s way longer than my list of things to do in real life… It’s to the point where I’m stressing out about it, because it’s just so much stuff. One of the one’s that’s really bugging me is coding. Back when I first started this whole online venture, I spent some time and taught myself some HTML and some very basic CSS – just enough to get what I needed. It seemed to come pretty easy for me back then and I seemed to understand all of the information that was being hurled at me. And all that information stuck with me to the point where I can easily write HTML and it’s not a big deal for me.

But lately, as I’m back on the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous re-design again, I’ve been thinking about my need to upgrade my HTML and CSS knowledge – not only because I really want more of a visually appealing, beyond fully functional, easy-to-use website, but also because with HTML5 and CSS3 being the web standard of the future, I’d like my sites to include it. I also really want to wrap my head around things like JavaScript and jQuery, because some of the things that I really want to accomplish and add to my site can only be done with these things. Again, that stuff has to wait until the site is upgraded to use on it and at this point, I can’t be 100% sure when that’s going to happen.

The Boyfriend and I keep planning for it to happen during this time and time time and that time, but when the time actually rolls around, can’t afford it. I’m hoping after this little tax season here, that we’ll be able to do it easy peasy, but until then, I’ll just have to be patient and we all know how good I am at that…

Needless to say though, I have work to do, so I will catch you all later. Man oh man though, this list better start getting shorter soon…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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The Dominant Web


Okay, so I don’t know how many of you read my last post “Topping from the Bottom – Is This Self-Kink?“, which wasn’t so much what the post was about, as it was the questions that I was pondering regarding the content of the post. If you haven’t read it yet, you might want to.

This post is kind of a follow-up to that post. In the previous post I proposed that you, the wide and vast internet, could be my stranger Dommes and Doms. And since I know a lot of people probably won’t comment right off the bat on a proposition such as this, I thought maybe a poll would be more comfortable and inviting and less interrogating?!? It was recently brought to my attention (thank you again Jess) that if I was at all serious about this, I would have to get down to details and I’m just wondering if I should get down to details or if I should just walk away… What do you think?

Don’t hesitate to leave your comments on either post.


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The Beginning of Another #NerdyJourney


Seriously, you guys are going to be so sick of me in no time at all. Then again, you can filter it out right?

I’m back on a bit of a #NerdyJourney – that’s right, it’s so darn nerdy that I’ve even gone so far as to create a hashtag for it on Twitter… Don’t ask me why, because I really couldn’t explain it to you, but at least this time I’m not going to bore you with Valerieopolis, which I haven’t even looked at in days. But before we get to all my geeky Minecraft-ing, I really want to share something else with you first.

Maybe it’s that I’m not being critical enough or maybe it’s that I’m simply accepting what I create easier, I uploaded yet ANOTHER YouTube video! Are you excited? I am. It’s been forever and a day since I uploaded a YouTube video and now I’ve uploaded two in the last month. However, I’ve changed all my old videos so that they have a little intro and ending to them and I updated my channel page so everything is all brand new over there.

If you haven’t caught the hint yet, go check it out! Like it, subscribe to it, share it with all your friends – but mostly, let me know what you think! Oh yeah, and here’s the video. Doing a cover of The White Stripes “Fell in Love With a Girl” (and yes, I know what you’re thinking, eventually I will do an original song – I promise!)

So now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I’ll carry onto all the other stuff that I did today. Yes, it was Minecraft, but it was still stuff. As I said before, I’ve kind of given up on my other #NerdyJourney world, Valerieopolis. Just click the link if you want to learn more… I’m still doing it and it still exists, it just hasn’t really gone anywhere. Every time I get on it, little things like fill in a block here or there, but nothing that’s changing the way it looks. But The Boyfriend got me very interested in redstone recently and taught me how to do a few things that I didn’t know how to do before and so one night after we experimented with it together…

I created a new creative world for me to go nutty with. It’s kind of taken on a life of it’s own. I didn’t originally go into it with any real plans or concept, but it’s managed to turn into a Lava/Water metropolis. I mean, the sidewalk pretty much sums it up:

The Lava/Water Sidewalk

The central focus of this world, which I still haven’t named (so bear with me), is the Town Hall – although I guess it would be more appropriate to call it a City Hall, since that’s more what we’re working with. Here’s a couple of shots of what it looks like:

There’s a couple more buildings, which you can see by checking out my Random Minecraft album on Facebook, but really quickly, I want to show you my Fire Truck. It took forever and a day to figure out how to make it and then I had everyone telling me how I should make it, but of course, I didn’t like the way that they wanted it. So this is essentially what we all came up with. We’ve seen a few tutorials that were really good but I hadn’t watched any of them recently, so couldn’t remember a single thing. However, I do think my dispenser idea is awesome!

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So that’s what I’ve been up to lately… Spent the day after I was incredibly sick on Minecraft and spend the night after working on YouTube. Tomorrow, I have a butt load of things to do – I’m not even slightly looking forward to it. But it’s gotta get done.

We’ve promised to take Mom’s dog to the dog park with the kids, we’ve got a whole bunch of cleaning that needs to be done by 3 PM on Monday, plus we still have to get some grocery shopping done before we burn through the rest of this money! And just when we feel like it’s all going to be over, school starts again and the week gets crazy. Now, as long as I can remember to do some of the more minor things that I really want to do (like carry my camera with me, because I’m missing so many great picture opportunities or get a cheese grater, because I’m desperately craving grated cheese on my food), I’ll be happy as a clam.

Well, until next time 😉

The Accidental Cat

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So Not…


Even though it hasn’t been that long since I last came on the computer, it felt like it took me an incredibly long time to catch up on all the things that I missed yesterday. Yesterday, I was really sick. It had started the night before and I just didn’t feel right and then yesterday, I was so sick that I was either being sick or I was sleeping – the whole day. It was wickedly and brutally intense and I don’t ever want to feel that sick again. However, it only seemed to last a day, so maybe I shouldn’t be so dramatic!

I didn’t expect to get on the computer and have so much to check up on though. But, the wonderful thing about this happening is that I feel a bolt of inspiration that leaves me wanting to do something more, something different. I’ll even let you know what I’m thinking.

It’s been forever and a day since I’ve written any erotica, because I just kind of gave up. There’s a whole bunch of reasons to this, which I won’t really get into right now, but even though I haven’t written any in awhile, I do maintain The Erotic Writers Group on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. Well, when Google+ came out with Communities, I decided to also make a group there for erotic writers and it is taking off rather nicely. And, I’m not even kidding you, it’s an inspiring group. So now I’m thinking, that I might start trying out some erotica again. It’s been a really long time though, so it might take awhile. Need to get out of my negative thinking surrounding sex…

And it’s to the point where it has affected my overall rating of The Boyfriend on questionnaires that we had to fill out. I feel so crappy about not getting any kink whatsoever that it’s just making my entire outlook on sex a negative one. Don’t get me wrong, I love the heck out of every second of vanilla sex that I’m getting and The Boyfriend and I’s relationship has never been healthier or stronger than it is right now, but it’s hard to look at sex as this wonderful and satisfying thing, when it’s simply not as satisfying as I know it could be and desperately crave for it to be.

It’s such a negative way of looking at things…

But seriously people, I’m dead sick and tired of not getting anything kink-related and even more than that, I’m absolutely appalled at how “okay” with that I’ve become. There was a time when his lack of interest didn’t seem to affect my lack of interest. I’d still research the heck out of my interests in kink, I’d still get pleasure from reading blogs from other kinksters and I’d still love to look at pictures and videos and be totally engrossed my thoughts of kinkiness and I’d never lose hope that one day I would have it. But now, every single time I look, I ever single time I read, every single time I research, I feel utter hopelessness.

And when I sit back and actually think about it, it makes me feel really freaking sad and crappy. But most of the time, I’m not thinking about it and so I don’t stay in that sad and crappy place. And since when is that anything like me?!?

Just in case you didn’t catch all the whining going on in the above paragraphs, let me simplify this: “Waaah! I want a spanking!”

I wish that I could even just understand what he doesn’t like about it now. Why was he interested before and why is he not now? And why on earth can he not explain this to me? And it’s not for lack of questioning him about it, he just can’t seem to articulate it. He always just responds with something along the lines of “just because I’m not” or “I don’t really know” and really, that’s not enough for a desire such as this…

So not what I had intended to go off about tonight…

 


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Glad to Get On Here


I cannot tell you how happy I am that I got on the computer tonight… Absolutely and totally happy. It was a rough day today, which made where my bed seemed like the best place in the world to be. We’ll start with how I came to be on the computer and then maybe we’ll jump back to the rough day part of the story – we’ll see how I feel.

So, I’m laying in bed playing Minecraft and Keirnan and Kenzie have been sent up to bed and didn’t cause that much of hassle when it came to actually sleeping. Kaeidyn however, was still awake and in a most talkative mood and my brother (who is doing amazing, by the way…) and cousin are both here visiting. Carter, my dear sweet Carter, was being a most miserable brat. None of the other kids got donuts before bed and I had decided that Carter wasn’t going to get donuts before bed either, but Uncle and Great-Cousin (though they call him Uncle) had gotten donuts. Carter was most unhappy and cried for close to an hour straight. Over and over again with “I want a donut” and “I didn’t get a donut”.

Then, out of nowhere, the cry changes from a semi-manageable cry to a wail. He’s “ow”-ing away. Lately, he’s really enjoyed half hanging off of surfaces when he sits at them. It’s mostly because as he uses whatever is on the surface in front of him, he manages to push it away from himself. We’ll find him dangling by his belly button from the computer desk because he’s pushed the keyboard all the way back to where he can’t reach it from the chair or at dinner time, dangling from the table because he pushed his plate too far away while eating… Somewhere along all the dangling today, he had managed to get – I’m not sure what you would call it, almost like rug burn but from the wood-like-stuff on the table. It seemed like one from much earlier today, possibly from when The Boyfriend and I weren’t here (more on that later).

Anyways, I cleaned it all up and put some Polysporin on it and talked him through the last of his upsets about the donut, and had convinced him that he needed to take a bath. Out of all of the kids, he definitely needs to be bathed the most. So now, instead of whining about the donuts, he’s now whining because he wants to hurry up and go for a bath. I shut off the games and The Boyfriend decided that he was going to play for awhile. Normally this means, when I come downstairs, I can either sit there and watch him play games or go on the computer – so, go on the computer it was.

And once again, I say unto you, I am most pleased that I did. First, I jump on Facebook (as usual) and immediately find some interesting stuff that had me laughing. Then, I jumped on Twitter. Oh wait, I don’t know if I told you this yet… If you’ll notice, in the sidebar, there is a Twitter feed and if you’ve followed me around the web for quite some time (which I know that I’m really the only one who follows me around on the web… :(), you’ll notice that this isn’t the same as it’s always been. The one there, happens to be the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Twitter feed. Some time ago, I had gotten completely fed up with my personal Twitter feed. I was following a lot of people that I had no idea who they were, it was all disorganized and I absolutely despised my previous Twitter handle: @blogaholica – the “a” on the end just always really bugged me…

But recently, I went through my old Twitter account, changed my handle, deleted almost everyone I was following that I didn’t know and had never actually said a word to me and re-organized the whole thing so that I knew what I was working about. I’m pretty sure I alluded to this a couple posts ago. But it was essentially spring cleaning of all my social networks. So, I revamped and came back as @ValerieRayne13 and have been having a great time.

Now that I’m not following a bunch of people who are talking about things that I’m just not interested in (which felt a lot like when The Boyfriend begged me to watch Smosh videos on YouTube last night, which I just barely made it through…), it’s so much nicer going on Twitter and I’m having a ton of fun. By far, my most favorite tweet from myself, so far, goes out to @Cmdr_Hadfield of International Space Station fame (this is one of those things that The Boyfriend got me interested in, that didn’t make me barf a little in my heart). I warn you, not only does it show you just how much of a nerd I really am, but it’s also my lamest and most favorite tweet ever:

After writing this, I’m off to do even more on the computer, before The Boyfriend officially decides it’s bedtime, which I’m sure is coming sooner rather than later, but if you want to read about my rough day, you can always continue reading…

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Finally Catching Up On 1000+ Unread Posts


It’s a seriously daunting task whenever I “forget” to check in on my Google Reader for awhile and then go back and see some of the numbers next to my unread count amounting to large numbers. Like for instance, the 1000+ posts from Mashable that I haven’t read in my Google Reader (though I follow them on Facebook, so catch some of the posts while I’m checking that). And after every time that I spend some time away from the computer, I spend a lot of time catching up on everything… It takes a few days, but once it’s done, I find it rejuvenating and inspiring.

Let’s take a walk through some of the awesome posts I’ve missed in my absence:

  • From my Blogging & Social Media Folder

    The following posts are from some of my favorite blogs about Blogging, Social Media and Tech:

    • It’s Possible To Post To Facebook From The Afterlife
      Author: Justin Lafferty | Source: AllFacebook.com

      This kind of thing has been on mind a lot lately. I don’t want to just die and have nothing ever said to the one’s I really care about. I think being able to do it on Facebook is awesome, because who doesn’t use Facebook? However, I also think that it’s impersonal and a little creepy. I don’t want to go onto Facebook to constantly be reminded of my dead friends…

    • INFOGRAPHIC: Ways to Get More Shares on Facebook
      Author: Justin Lafferty | Source: AllFacebook.com

      I’m always a huge fan of infographics. I’m not sure what it is about them that I love so much, I just know that I really like getting my information in infographic form. This one offers up a couple of ways to get more shares on Facebook including posting at particular times of day and more frequently as well as using your authentic voice and captivating images. Good tips!

    • Why Google Glass Could Be Bad For Your Eyes
      Author: Samantha Murphy | Source: Mashable

      I think, even if Google Glass was bad for my eyes, I’d probably still want a pair…

    • Google Glass May Arrive for Consumers by End of Year
      Author: Emily Price | Source: Mashable

      Say what?!? By the end of the year?!? And really, considering what these things are supposed to be able to do, $1500 isn’t that outrageous. I want it!!

    • 10 Awesome Things That Happened At The Star Trek Reunion
      Author: AshleyRose Sullivan | Source: Mashable

      With all my recent musings about Star Trek, it’s no wonder that this is added to my list. I’ve kind of become really obsessed and have more than once searched the internet for both Brent Spiner (my most favorite character on the show) and Patrick Stewart (because how can you not love Jean-Luc Picard?!?). They all sound like an epic crew!

  • From My Favorites Folder

    The following posts are from bloggers who I can consider to be people I look up to and are typically bloggers that I’ve been following for years:

    • I’m Online
      Author: lunaKM | Source: lunaKM

      One thing that I love about the way that lunaKM writes is how she pulls you into her situation. While you may not be experiencing popularity from your blog, you can understand what she’s going through and how she’s talking about it. I love being pulled into her world!

    • Sex Addiction – Dr Jenn & Dr. Neil Cannon
      Author: Dr. Jenn | Source: Dr. Jenn’s Den

      In this episode of In The Den with Dr. Jenn, there is short discussion about sex addiction and the issues with labeling someone as a sex addict and how to deal with it if you feel you have it. I’ve often been curious about sex addiction and think that I would make a great sex therapist specializing in this matter.

    • The Hubba-Hubba Girl: Evelyn West, double bill
      Author: Gloria | Source: Gloria’s Oversexed Mind

      I absolutely loved the video in this post. It’s cute how she tells you where she got her clothes as she’s taking them off. I don’t where Gloria finds this stuff, but it’s pretty freaking spectacular. I’m sharing tons of her stuff over on the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Tumblr blog!

    • Butt Bongo, the hipster version
      Author: Gloria | Source: Gloria’s Oversexed Mind

      Okay, this one is so good that I’m just reposting the entire video! You all know that I’m a fan of hand-drumming, based on my post This Should Be a Viral Video… IMHO, but this one is so so so so so much better than that! Now I just need to decide if I want to be the drummer or the drum…

I’ll leave it on that note, though there are a couple other really great posts, like this one from Submissive guide about boot-blacking or this one about prostate massage from a contributor to SexIs. There’s just too much good stuff to read! What’s your favorite post and why?


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Just Found the Coolest Thing


Since it’s been so long since I’ve been on the computer, I was getting re-acquainted tonight and checking in on some of the old accounts that I have that I haven’t accessed in forever, such as my YouTube and Goodreads accounts. In the process, I checked in on my Formspring account, which I really haven’t checked at all since I first got it. Don’t ask me why, because I couldn’t tell you. Sincerely going to start using it again…

Anyways, I hopped over to lunaKM’s feed (because I follow her just about everywhere) and someone had asked her about something called Slave Control Software and immediately I was curious. lunaKM had never personally used this software, but I jumped over to the site and gave a quick little read. The site itself doesn’t really have that much information on it, but essentially, it’s two different programs used to train a slave – all from the comfort of the home computer.

First, I downloaded the Virtual Master program. The description is as follows:

“The program enables a sub to design her/his own “virtual master/mistress” to which she/he can report, ask permissions, ask instructions etc. Or it enables a master/mistress to set up a set of rules for a sub, who can send reports back to the master. The program is intended for long term use.”

The program comes with two demos, one for males and one for females – though I’m almost positive that gender really doesn’t matter… I tested out the female demo and let me tell you, I’m hella impressed with this program and can’t wait to begin experimenting with making my very own scripts. Don’t know who I’ll use them on, other than myself, but it could be a lot of fun!

First things first, you start out with merit points – 500 of them to be exact. At this point, your status is “Normal”. The very first thing that happens is the program gives you a list of assignments that must be completed by a certain date and a certain time. This demo version included:

  • Clean the kitchen
  • Clean the bathroom
  • Vacuum the house
  • Write 20 lines about being a slave
  • Write 20 times: “I want to be the best slave I can be”

Now, be warned… If you click on these assignments and claim that you have done something and really haven’t, it’ll dock you merit points and give you a punishment. For example, I clicked on Clean the kitchen and then clicked that I was done immediately afterwards. A message box popped up, “It only took you 6 seconds to clean the kitchen?” and I got merit points docked off and got a No TV for 4 Days punishment… The line-writing assignments you do directly within the program and it tracks the number of lines you’ve written and sends a report to your virtual master.

There are way more cool features about this program as well. For instance, you can set up the rules to be anything you want. Rules include things you have to ask permission for, things you have to report doing, reasons why you may have to confess, rules regarding clothing and specific instructions. In the female demo mode, the rules are as follows:

  • Permissions
    You must ask permission to:

    • Eat
    • Go to the toilet
    • Masturbate
    • Smoke
    • Etc.
  • Reports
    You must report when:

    • You wake up and go to bed
    • Have guests and when they leave
    • Go to work and come home
    • Etc.
  • Confessions
    You must confess when:

    • You have an erotic fantasy
    • Forgot to ask permission
    • Etc.
  • Clothing
    You must ask for specific clothing instructions for these situations:

    • Going out
    • At home
    • Etc.
  • Instructions
    You must always ask for instructions on how to:

    • Eat
    • Sleep

So, now that we’ve covered some of the rules that have been put in place for the demo, we can look at what else we can do. Of course, these rules can be changed based on the scripts you write for the program. I haven’t delved into the Script Writing Manual or even attempted to write my first script with it, but when I do, I’ll let you know how it goes.

You can also communicate directly with your virtual master. You can ask for specific instructions, ask for punishments and report on your assignment progress as well as confess your sins and report on what you’re wearing. Honestly, I think I’m going to have fun experimenting with this download.

If you’re interested, check out the Slave Control Software website and let it be known that this is a totally awesome and absolutely free download. Then, leave your comments and let me know what you think of this software. Would you use this and if you did, how do you think you would? What rules and punishments would you include?


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Failure is Natural, Apparently


It’s just absolute second nature to me, failing… I fail at everything and usually it’s in the most epic way possible. I can’t just complete a freaking goal. Seriously, how hard is it to blog every single day? Not that hard, especially when I’ve had so freaking much to write about. But, this is the first time in at least 5 days that I’ve even gotten on the computer…

The funk that I had been talking about a few days ago, not only got worse but lasted for a long time. Even at this point, I’m not sure I’m out of it or if this is just a little break it’s allowing me to take. I haven’t felt this agitated, depressed, overwhelmed, and just generally upset in a really long time. Today, thank goodness, is being a decent day and I haven’t been boggled down by nothing but negative thoughts but it’s the first day in almost a week that I’ve felt this good.

For the most part, this last week really sucked.

First, I lost all love of blogging literally overnight. I even sat down with The Boyfriend and had a serious discussion with him about not blogging anymore… I’m not sure what sparked this feeling that I’m done with it and I still haven’t even made a decision one way or another. I just sometimes feel like I waste so much of my time on blogging (on all my blogs) and for no real purpose. I’m just losing all my blogging hope. Hope for what, I don’t know, but I’m losing it… And I can’t believe how seriously I’ve considered stopping, because if I don’t have blogging, what do I have?!?

Then, the week continued to get worse as I felt more and more bad about thinking about quitting blogging. My Mom had come over after I had had a stressful couple of days and was just feeling generally down and out. As we’re talking on my bed, a lady comes up to my door. Turns out, yet again, someone called Child Services on us – this time, we apparently had no food. I invited her into the house and was all proud because our cupboards were filled with food, so there was no merit to this report that they had gotten. But because of our previous issue with them, she’s decided to keep our case opened…

Our house was relatively clean and what wasn’t cleaned, got that way before she came over again. I figured it would be as simple as showing her that we could get the little bit of mess that was here cleaned up and she would close our case and everything would be fine. But no… Instead, she thinks that both The Boyfriend and I need some additional parenting help, so until we start getting that, our case is staying open.

I wish that I didn’t have to keep proving myself over and over again as a perfectly capable parent. Yes, my house gets dirtier than it should and that’s something that I am sincerely working on. Other than that, there is nothing anyone can say about me that puts me into the bad parent category that continually needs to be monitored by a government agency. They’ve interviewed the kids multiple times now and each time results in the same thing, the kids saying that they are happy in the situation they have and that they wouldn’t change it for the world… They’ve now interviewed me multiple times and The Boyfriend twice and they know we are aware of the problems we do have, we are taking steps to deal with the problems we do have and we’re willing to do even more. I’m not sure what more we could possibly do to prove that we’re not shit parents.

And I’m absolutely tired of people who have never even set foot into my house, calling about things they have no idea about. We don’t even know who called on us this time, which just drives me even more up the wall. It was most definitely someone who has never been in my house, that’s all I know for sure. It makes parenting so much harder though when you aren’t even given the chance to be confident in what you are doing, but instead are constantly wondering when the next time someone is going to file a false report about you. I just hate that I work my ass off day in and day out to provide my kids with the things they need, to give myself to them and be there for them, when I’m exhausting myself stressing out about them, and none of it seems to make even a fraction of a difference. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s comforting, haters gonna hate…

After the lady left, both the first and second visits, I was beyond ready to throw in the towel. I kept saying over and over again that if the government really thought I was just that terrible of a parent, they should just take the kids or that I should just send them to live with Alfie and let him deal with constantly having every aspect of his parenting shoved down his throat as an improvement he needs to make. Obviously, these are only thoughts and not actually something I would do. I couldn’t stand having my kids taken from me, even by their own dad…

Then, my brother was in the hospital for a couple days and we were all excited about any progress he might be able to make. They put him back on the same old meds that he was on last time, at a super-low-dose and then sent him home. For a day or two, he seemed alright. A little bit crazy here and there, but nothing that wasn’t manageable. Then, out of nowhere, he’s right back to absolute crazy even while he’s still on the meds. So, we’ve been dealing with him whenever the house that he’s living out no longer feels “safe” to him. It’s stressing everyone out and we all seem bitchy because of it.

It’s just been a whirlwind week of crap and I don’t even think I’ve opened the whole can left. It’s like when you open a can of corn and you’re shaking it all out but there’s still a huge clump of kernels not letting go. I haven’t even delved into that clump. That’s how I feel… It sure makes a person want to sleep a whole heck of a lot!