The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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The Boyfriend is NOT Alfie…

It has not been a good couple of days these last few ones. It’s been stressful, I’ve been sad and I feel like there is absolutely no light to end of this tunnel. It started with a visit from my landlord, just adding to the stress of all the things we’re already stressing about. After exchanging words with him, he gave us a 24-hour-notice to come into the house. The Boyfriend was wonderful and missed many good hours of sleep to help me get the house decent enough for the landlord’s inspection. Who knows what exactly will come out of all of that.

We threw out so many things though. Literally just went into the kids room with shovels and garbage bags and everything went in there. Toys, clothes, garbage and even some things that I would want to consider sentimental. At first, I was barely phased at all by it. I just kept on working. But then, we got to our room and there was just so much stuff in there that I would’ve preferred to keep, and it was incredibly sad for me. I felt like I was throwing away my past. I felt bitterly angry with the kids.

Then, my sisters kids are down for a couple weeks. And while that part of it has me more than thrilled (especially being that I rarely get to spend this much time with my niece and nephew), it is just another stress. Last night had to be one of the roughest nights I’ve had in a long time as we were asked to take all 6 kids for a couple hours so my Mom could get some of her own stuff done. And while the actual experience itself was surprisingly wonderful, we returned back to our house to discover that our power had been disconnected and 6 kids and no electricity tends to be a pretty big pain in the butt, even more so when you take into account the 4 boys and their obsession with gaming.

Upon realizing that we didn’t have enough bowls for breakfast in the morning, I just called my Mom and we all came and slept at her place. First time in months that The Boyfriend and I have slept in a real bed!! Not a mat on the floor… But it’s just adding to my sour mood. I mean, not the fact that I slept at my Mom’s place, but the fact that I’m never prepared for anyone to do anything. I can’t have people sleeping over at my house, because it’s either too dirty or I don’t have what I need. I feel like a crappy mom and a crappy aunt.

Every single day though, I can feel myself getting ready for the changes that are about to commence. I’m absolutely sick of living life this way. This unorganized, messy, unprepared, not ready for anything type of life. I’m done with it! I’m ready to start fresh and create routines and clean every single day. Unfortunately, we’re still weeks away from moving and the impatience of it all is killing me. I am tired of waiting and just want to get this show on the road already. I need it, The Boyfriend needs it and our family needs it.

We were supposed to get to go see the place in the middle of July, but now we won’t get to see it until our move-in date, which is seriously bumming me out. I’d really like to know what we’re getting into and what we’re going to need, outside of all the stuff we already know. For instance, how many bathrooms does this place actually have? Do I need to get one garbage can for bathrooms or two? Where are all the bedrooms? Is that going to affect the type of beds we can now get? Will I have a place that I can put a dining room table or are we going to have to get creative? I don’t like knowing so little about the place that we’re moving to.

Then, The Boyfriend leaves for his training on Sunday. I am beyond stressed about that and so is he, but for completely different reasons. I’m trying so hard to be the supportive girlfriend in every way I can possibly think of, but it is being much harder than I had expected it to be. The Boyfriend is more stressed about it than I’ve ever seen him over anything before. He hates the idea of leaving us for 5 days. I, on the other hand, feel the same jealousy towards him getting this “vacation” from the kids as I do for their Dad never being around. It took me all week to figure out that this was what was really bugging me.

It took until Kaeidyn began freaking out that he was leaving us for good before it even slightly clicked for me. I didn’t fully realize it until The Boyfriend expressed that he was upset that I wasn’t more upset about him going. At first, I stammered and stuttered through, “It’s because I think it’s important for you to go, so I don’t want to talk you out of it in anyway” and then I kind of snapped, “I’m trying not to feel the same way about this as I do about Alfie. He’s always getting a break from these kids and now you’re getting it too and I just want to know, when the hell my break is going to be?”. I think we were both kind of taken aback by this thought. I hadn’t realized that that’s what I was feeling and I don’t think he ever thought that I would put him in the same category in any way as Alfie. The big difference though, and I just keep reminding myself of this over and over again, is that The Boyfriend doesn’t want to leave, Alfie did. The Boyfriend would rather not leave me with the kids and has caused himself so much stress just worrying about it, Alfie never thought any of that. I need to remember that The Boyfriend is not Alfie…

I just need for the next two weeks to go by so fast!! I need them to whiz by like nothing. Ideally, I’d just sleep through them…


Getting Crazy

I think a stress that we haven’t fully realized is beginning to consume both The Boyfriend and I. It wasn’t apparent to me, until last night when a minor storm rolled over the house and I began seriously freaking out. Not just my normal regular “I’m-scared-of-these-storms” freaking out, but to the point that I, as I was cleaning the window to better be able to see the clouds, began bawling my eyes out. I could not seem to break the pending panic attack, no matter how hard I tried.

The Boyfriend did a wonderful job of staying extra calm and saying as many calming things as he could come up with. Not that anything he was doing was working the way he had hoped it would, but he was patient and relaxed and over the next two hours the storm passed by and everything was clear and I was finally calmed.

But then, The Boyfriend came home from work today, unusually stressed out. He normally comes home flustered from crap at work, but after you let him vent about it for about 45 minutes, he usually is less stressed. Not today. He has been, apparently, stressing pretty hard about money. I think that he thinks that I’m not paying as much attention as I am on the money. I proved him wrong and eased his worries there, thank goodness!

I’ve never, in the 4 years that I’ve been with him, seen him stress about money. Honestly though, I think it’s a whole bunch of different kinds of stress and he’s just focused in on the money right now. But I think it’s this move. I think he feels unprepared and I think he really hates that. Of course, I’m just piecing this together from what I know of him since it will probably take him another week or two to figure out what’s bothering him. Once we get right close to the move date.

He’s also majorly stressed out by work right now. He’s not looking forward to his training while he’s got so many things already on the go at the job. He just started a new initiative with his crew and he’s having to leave for 5 days. That frustrates him a lot. He’s also pretty concerned about leaving me here for 5 days alone with the kids, being that they have been a handful and a half lately.

Yesterday seemed like the longest day of my life and about an hour before The Boyfriend got home from work, I broke down in tears because I was so upset by them. They are all at such unmanageable ages when you stick them all together. I’ve got Carter, who is learning every bad habit his older siblings are teaching him, while at the same time just learning how to really talk. So, what we end up with is a full-of-attitude back talker. I don’t know how many times I’ll give him heck for something and he’ll sternly turn back to me and exclaim a solid, “No!”.

Kaeidyn and I are constantly clashing heads about everything. I woke up the other morning to her arguing with me about whether or not the nail polish she had found was actually hers or mine. Today, I had to give her a huge long lecture about respect and accountability. Try explaining that one to a stubborn 7-year-old… I walked away from that conversation with a headache and feeling like she hadn’t heard a single word that I said. And sometimes I wonder if she ever hears me or if she never will. My Mom had cursed me with my first-born being exactly like I was growing up, and if 7-year-old Kaeidyn is already like 13-year-old me, I am absolutely screwed!

Kenzie has been getting very rough lately, to the point where we’re almost worried about it. He doesn’t seem to notice at all how strong he is and it’s resulting in a lot of hurt people and broken house. From the window breaking, extreme rough housing and payback hitting. If Keirnan does something to him, that in anyway Kenzie doesn’t like, Keirnan will get a hard hit from his bigger brother. It’s mean and unnecessary and we’re just trying to figure out how to manage it. Today seemed to be a bit better, so we’ll just have to see what is going to go down.

Needless to say, we’re frustrated, stressed and exhausted and I don’t even think either of us have come to really realize it yet. I imagine that the 5 days that he’s gone are going to be an extreme test. All I can say is, there better not be any storms for those 5 days…


Q & A: Why?

Recently, I was chatting with a bunch of people on CollarMe and it seems that it’s a hard-to-understand situation The Boyfriend and I are in, with him being completely vanilla and me so desperately desiring kink in my life. Sometimes, I have to remind myself of the reasons and other times, it’s just what makes sense. So here’s my answer to the question: Why do you stay with him?

That’s an easy question to answer: I love him. He came into my life when I wasn’t looking for it at all, he put up with a lot of shit to get to be with me, and he’s been the best thing that’s ever happened to me (though I think, I’m technically considered a bad mom if I don’t include that the kids are also the best thing that have ever happened to me).

Being that I can be sexually satisfied without kink, even though I desperately crave it, it doesn’t make sense to end a perfectly great relationship just to get that one thing. Plus, there was also a time when I did get it with him and I’d like to believe when we’re at a stage where a spanking won’t wake our young kids up, that I might get it again…

Yeah, it’s not an ideal situation and I spend many hours questioning my reasons for sticking around, but then I look at what we have and what we’ve always had and what we might end up having in the future and it all just looks too good to walk away from.

Just wanted to share that. I love him, pure and simple. It’s been a great 4 years babe!

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Coming and Going

Seriously… I need to start posting more. Every single day, I’ve written something. There it sits in my drafts folder, waiting to be published. You’d think I’d just hit publish, but I leave them unfinished. I hate that… Anyways.

The older kids are gone for a couple days. They left Saturday night and they won’t get back until Thursday sometime. So it’s just me, The Boyfriend and Carter for the next few days. Let me tell you, it’s been amazingly beautiful so far!! The first night, my Mom took Carter for The Boyfriend and I and we slept in so late the next day. Then today, Carter let me sleep until almost noon. I am one heck of a well-rested girl!

I also impulsively dyed my hair yesterday. About a year or so ago, I had been mentioning it constantly. Right around the time that I started showing my first real noticeable gray hair. Then, I guess I must have forgotten about it, because it didn’t come up in conversations or anything. Then, we were wandering through Wal-Mart yesterday and I abprubtly said, “I should dye my hair…” and moments later we were walking out the door with a rich mahogany color.

It’s been about 12 years since I last dyed my hair. Needless to say, I was much more nervous than was necessary. Concerned I was going to do it wrong, concerned about how it was going to turn out. By the time I actually started, my stomach was in absolute knots. All of which were unjustified. It ended up being a pretty decent experience. The only thing that I’m noticing after the fact is that it’s not enough of a change. It’s pretty much my natural hair color. I want to put pictures up, but my camera is dead and my webcam isn’t working. So you’ll have to wait.

In about a week and a half, The Boyfriend’s going away for a few days to further his training for work. It’ll be the first time since we’ve been together that we’ll be apart for this long. The biggest thing that I’m not looking forward to is 5 days alone with all 4 of the kids. Non-stop. I’m trying to keep my jealousy over his vacation-from-the-kids to an absolute minimum, because I don’t want him to decide not to go. It’s his next step on the ladder to where he wants to be, which I’m not even sure he knows where it’s headed. But I’m determined to not hinder him. It’s much harder than you would think it is.

Then, almost as soon as he gets back, we’re moving. It seems like it’s further away than it’s ever been and looking around our house, you’d have no idea. We’ve barely begun packing. Our move-in date got pushed back 15 days, so we still have tons of time. I’m hoping we’ll get to at least see the inside of the place sometime around the 20th, because I really want to know what the place we’re moving into looks like. That’s one thing that sucks about going this route, is that we have no idea what we’re getting into right now. All we know is that it’s a 4-bedroom and that our rent is a lot cheaper than it is now… But, no complaints!

So that’s the latest this week. Hopefully I will start publishing more posts coming up soon. Maybe I’ll spend the night going through my drafts. Hope everyone’s having a great week!!

This post is intended for adults 18+

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The Last Post Continued…

Read the last post first…

As we’re both laying back watching ourselves play on the 42″, I say to him, “How would you like to watch yourself get head and get it at the same time?”. It didn’t take long before he was jumping up ready to watch and receive. Then, I laid down and lifted my heeled foot, “Work your way from heel to lips to mouth” and he enthusiastically began kissing my heels and rubbing the fabric of them against his face. He slid his hand in between the heel and my arch and gripped my foot as he kissed the area near the strap on my ankle. Gently lowering my leg to the bed, he slowly worked his way up my calf and behind my knee and sunk his teeth into my inner thighs.

He began licking playfully up to my clit, and as he began, on the screen behind him I was watching him eat me out. I grabbed his hands and pulled him up to me. I was ready for more. He lifted my legs, in our usual missionary fashion, and entered me slowly as I pushed the bows on the heels into his ass, pulling him closer and closer. My hands frantically searched his body, for what I have no idea. But my hands ran everywhere they could reach. His hands were in my hair, on my legs, around my throat. And his cock was forcefully spreading my pussy open and rubbing against my clit all at the same time. My breathing was as frantic as my hands were and as his hand worked their way up around my throat once again, he asked, “Are you going to cum on my cock, dirty whore!”.

The first time ever, after 4 years of begging for it, I finally got called a dirty whore. If I thought I was frantic before, at those two little words my body literally convulsed. Just hearing it, for the first time, from him sent me absolutely wild with rage. My hands were no longer on him, but around me on the bed as I tried to bring myself down a little bit. I needed to be able to focus on the sex and in that moment all I could think was, “Did he really just call me a dirty whore?!?!?”. I was in ecstasy, but still not cumming. I asked if I could roll over while he fucked me from behind and he responded, “Only if you’re going to be a good girl and cum on my cock” to which I promised that I would try.

I flipped over and he was immediately back inside of me and the way he felt was out of this world good. I reached up behind me and grabbed at his hips and lifted mine to give him more room. He gathered my hair in his hands and pulled my head back hard, as his other hand grabbed my hips to slam them back into him. I lifted both my feet of the bed and he pushed my head into my pillow and grabbed my heels to pull up around his ass and over the back of his thighs. He let me grind him like that, before using my heels to thrust himself deeper and deeper into me, until I felt like I could feel him all over my body. He called me a dirty whore again and I was sure my skin would burn him if he touched me.

He was sweating profusely by this point and the house was so incredibly hot, I thought after the hour of being in charge (for the most part) of the thrusting that he might want a break. Ever the considerate girlfriend, I offered to climb on top and he was more than pleased that I had offered. He laid down and plumped the pillows around him, while I tried to get on top of him without poking him with a heel. It took a few seconds to get everything in place, as I was incredibly wet by this point, so things just slipped and slid around.

The goal and mission was purely for me to cum. I sat deep on his cock and reached my hands between my legs to begin playing with my clit. At first, I stayed leaning forward so he could continue some of his rocking, before sinking until he could no longer rock. I sat up and flicked my nipple with my tongue as I circled myself on his cock and my fingers. I could tell he was going soft, and not because of lack of interest but because of pure exhaustion, so I concentrated extra hard on my orgasm and within moments was cumming hard on him. I lifted off of him just a little bit, so that he could get his thrust on, and thrust he did. Hard and very fast, until moments later when he was cumming hard himself.

We both collapsed, covered in sweat and both wet between the legs. It was almost impossible for him to keep his eyes open by this point, and as soon as the video of us had been turned off, we both fell absolutely to sleep. There was nothing that could’ve woken us from that slumber at all. Pure and blissful delight!!

This post is intended for adults 18+


Sexy Dancing and Hopeful Conversations

So, I think the way to get what I want, sexually speaking, from this relationship is to wear heels. A few nights back, The Boyfriend had mentioned that one day he would like to have sex with me wearing nothing but high heels. Isn’t it nice that days after he mentions a new-found fantasy, I gladly and willingly give it to him?!? Anyways, not the point!

It’s been really hot here, so before the night even got started, I hopped in for a nice cold shower. Then, I slid my heels on and we went out on the deck for a smoke. He’s also mentioned a desire to fuck me on the balcony, but that’s one that I’m a little bit more nervous about. We are literally surrounded by other people and I’m sure one glance out of their balcony doors would give them a nice little show. And while that’s part of the thrill of the whole thing, I’m just not there yet. However, we did tease each other more than a bit on the balcony, giving us the perfect start to a fun-filled evening.

When you get to the edge of my living room, there is a divider wall and then the stairs. This divider wall has a post about 5 or 6 inches across that goes right up to the ceiling. I had never realized before last night, but it makes a pretty decent little area to lean up against while he plays from behind. So in my high heels and at this point, nothing but a short housecoat, I instructed him to put on a playlist entitled “sex” and began gently swaying my hips as I bent over and against this post.

As the likes of Rabba Shanks, Barry Manilow, Salt N’ Pepa and Bubba Sparxxx (not a playlist I made, so don’t knock the choices!) flooded the speakers, he came up behind me. Resting his hands on my hips, and pushing himself up against, but not inside of me, he let me continue to curve my hips this way and that and I would even like to believe he was doing a little bit of it himself. I think my wetness took him by surprise, as much as it had taken me the same way.

Gently at first, he thrust himself into me and I continued to grind. He collected my hair in his hands and pulled my head back, causing my whole body to sit into his cock. My legs shook, completely unused to these high heels I was wearing. It’s been a good long while since I’ve even had them on, so I had to keep telling myself, “Just pretend you’re standing on your tip toes!” and I was delighted when this worked, for the most part. Hard, deep and totally sexy thrusting went on for a few minutes, until my calves were on fire from these heels. They’re only about 3 or 4 inches, I think… You’ve probably seen them before. I don’t think I’ve ever worn them for as long as I wore them last night!

I turned around on him and he attempted to raise one leg and enter me up against this post still. Before he even got my leg halfway up, I quickly said no. I was not about to even think about falling down the stairs, which I mean, wouldn’t have been all that easy, but it could’ve happened! He tried saying he had “got me”, but I was not having any of that. I straightened my housecoat out and walked away, instructing him to get our bed ready.

We recently got a webcam and we’ve been making quite a few different videos. It started as my suggestion, the overall record-sex-with-webcam idea. But I wasn’t about to be the one to say, “Wanna turn on the cam tonight?” first, so it was a huge relief when he said it first. I think we’re up to 5 or 6, and chances are you will never see any of them 😉 Again, not the point!

He had promised me earlier in the week that tonight we would watch over all the videos we had made. I had already seen them all but he hadn’t seen any yet. The night before last, we had the camera rolling for our 4th successful go at anal and that was, of course, the video that he wanted to see first. It was already really late by this point, as the previous teasing had probably gone on for over 2 hours! So, The Boyfriend was pretty tired and it was rather visible, but he patiently sat watching fighting the urge to close his eyes and it ended up being much more fun than I had expected it to be.

As we watched and were both taken aback by how quickly the anal happened, even though we felt like it had gone on for so long, The Boyfriend began talking about how proud he was that I did so well. A few good girls got mentioned, causing me to shiver with joy every single time. Then, he said, “We should get you a sticker chart…”, to which my body completely stiffened as I anticipated the words that escaped his lips moments later, “… And we could track how many times in a period of time that we successfully have anal. Then, if you get that certain number of stickers, you could get a spanking.” I was literally speechless!!

Imagine my absolute delight when he said all this. I told him that what he just described incorporates so much of what I want. Rewards for good (sexual) deeds, anal training and impact play. And all I have to do is have anal every once and awhile. Sounds like a good freaking deal to me! Who knows if it will ever go past that conversation – knowing him it won’t – but for now, I’m just going to live vicariously through that conversation. And now, we’re back at the video…


This post is intended for adults 18+

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Harder + Faster = Stronger

I am absolutely surprised that my arm doesn’t hurt more today after the wicked time The Boyfriend and I had last night. I had asked when he first got home if there was a chance I could get laid later on. His response was full of anticipation, as he quickly nodded, smiled and said, “I think we can do that!” and do that, we did.

We laid down and put on some porn. In the beginning scene of the video, the guy makes the girl call her Mom to tell her what he’s about to do to her and periodically throughout their session, he makes her call her Mom again. Even though we both agreed that calling Mom during that was a very big taboo (and one we weren’t about to even fantasize about), we just turned down the volume and imagined her calling a consenting person. That was much hotter!!

It seemed like the foreplay dragged on forever, even though in reality, it probably didn’t last that long. And he was in a very rough and controlling mood last night, which was so incredibly sexy. As I began playing with his cock and balls, he grabbed my hair and asked for harder. I tightened my grip and continued my normal gentle rubbing. He whispered, “Be a good girl and do it harder and faster!”. Chills crept down my spine and I shivered in delight.

Fast and hard is exactly how I did it and his reaction was probably the best I’ve ever seen. I’ve gone hard and fast before, but never to this reaction. His whole body was on fire and he was breathing harder than he ever does. He told me to roll away from him, so he could play with my slit. And no, not my slit slit, but the hole in my pants – as I was wearing tie up hospital pants. He gently undid the tie and slowly pulled them down revealing my hip as I laid on my side.

I was already incredibly wet. Between the good girl and the instructions and the hard masturbating warm-up, I was ready and raring to go. After a few quick penetrations with his finger, he slowly slid himself inside of me and now I felt on fire. He would reach up and grab my boob as it bounced furiously against his thrusting and then he would grab onto my hip and pull me back harder onto him. I was in ecstacy.

I moved to the ottoman, kneeling down beside it, my head and arms resting on it. At first, it was doggy, my ass high in the air and his one leg kneeling and the other sort of resting on my ass. He would thrust hard into me and then I would gently grind onto him. It was very playful and totally hot. Slowly, we seemed to let gravity take hold of our asses and he was eventually kneeling, sitting with his bum on his heels and I was more sitting on top of him, using the ottoman for support. He leaned forward and whispered to me again, “Are you going to be a good girl and cum on my cock?”.

Something about the way he says good girl and cock, just really drive me wild in that moment. I nodded and before I could adjust to get my hands down there, he was already making plans for after I had cum. “When you’re done, you’re going to lay down and jerk me off.” and I nodded again and quickly got my hands down to my clit. I was already so close to orgasm that it only took a few seconds before I was cumming hard on his cock.

Once I was done and had officially gotten a hold of myself, he pulled me down to the bed beside him and I asked, “Same as last time?”. He nodded and lit himself a smoke. I rubbed my hand around my still wet pussy to get him nice and lubricated. I gripped his cock harder than I ever had before and began frantically stroking him. His entire body pulsed with every pump of my fist and he looked down and said “Harder”. I did and he said, “You can do better than that”, sending a wave of excitement through me. At this point, it was as if the first orgasm had never even happened.

I grabbed onto my wrist with the other hand, and worked his cock harder and faster than I ever have before. I felt the muscles in my upper arm flinch with every movement and my wrist almost stung with the amount of force behind my grip. I kissed his chest and snuggled my head intimately into his neck. We kissed deeply and roughly and his fingers were going nuts in my hair. The better it felt, the faster his fingers would rub against my head and then he exclaimed, “I’m cumming”. I continued to stroke him hard and fast, as he shot cum all over himself and my arms.

By this point, I was far past ready to go again. I knew that if I didn’t get off right then and there, that I would be up half the night, tossing and turning as my pussy pulsed me to sleep and I was not okay with that. At first, he rubbed my body and grabbed my boobs, but I had really tuckered him out and by now, it was already really late. He fell asleep with one hand on my inner thigh and the other on my breast, his leg just gently on my one leg. Normally, I would stop and give up on my orgasm, but I was raging with wetness and couldn’t imagine stopping, so I just ignored the fact that he was sleeping and continued to masturbate.

It took forever, but eventually I did cum again. He woke up once I was done to share a smoke with me and didn’t believe me that I had cum a second time. Once we laid down to go to sleep though, it took me just mere seconds to fall asleep and I didn’t wake up once during the night. It was a truly blissful sleep. And while I’m definitely sore today, I’m not noticing any aching in my arms or wrists, which I was really expecting.

Has anyone else been trying new things out in the bedroom? Got any great vanilla ideas to spice things up?

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Wedding Fever

It must be the age or something. You know how some women go through “baby fever”, while I think I have a case of “wedding fever”. A couple weeks back, while visiting my Mom, I was watching My Teen Wedding, which I just thought was truly craptastic. First of all, if you’re legally allowed to buy you’re own booze, you’re no longer a teenager. If you can be committed of a crime to the fullest extent of the law and no longer can you be tried as a minor, you’re a freaking adult! So, the title of the show alone is deceptive. They should just call it “Young Dumb People Getting Married!”. Anyways, so not the point 😉

But while watching this show, I was apparently very angry about not being married already. I was snapping at the TV, telling the room that there was no way I was going to be a 30-year-old bride and being generally negative and bitchy towards this TV show. And as the weeks have passed, the whole being married, wedding thing has been on my mind alot. Though I didn’t really realize it until yesterday when I was on Pinterest, and found all these awesome pins for wedding ideas. And as I saved them to my board, “Not Getting Married, But If I Did…“, I started to notice that I was seriously picturing a wedding someday in my life.

I went through a short phase of “wedding fever” when I was about 19 or so. Sometime right before I found out I was pregnant with Kenzie. I would get bridal magazines and cut all my favorite things out, but I never considered that it would actually be for me. I used to say that I wasn’t going to get married unless I could have my dream wedding. And if you thought Donald & Melania spent a lot of money on their wedding, then you’ve definitely never seen the dream plans for mine!

But now, it’s different. I could care less about my dream wedding and instead just want to have a wedding. Honestly, I just want someone to want to marry me. I want to be proposed to, and I want to be stressed out by the minute details and I want to walk down the aisle to my teary-eyed future husband. And I don’t know why at all. It’s not like getting married would change much of anything for me, besides the fact that I’d be further in debt.

As it is, we’ve lived together long enough that I’m entitled to half of everything he owns and next year, we’ll have to file our taxes together. All that would change by getting married is that I’d have a piece of paper that said it and hopefully I’d have a ring. It’s not like marriage would change that much for us. But that doesn’t seem to be stopping the wrath of this fever, that has me doing nothing but thinking about it and dreaming about it.

Most of all, I think it’s so encompassing to me, because for so many years I’ve said that I won’t get married. I won’t buy into that institutuion. I don’t need a paper to validate my relationship and I don’t need to get married. So I’ve spent most of my life saying that I don’t want to get married, that it’s not important to me, that it’s not something I seriously want,  that now that I’m constantly thinking, I want to get married and it is important to me and that I’d like to get married before I’m 30 (only 5 years away…), it’s a little bit confusing. It’s like I’m questioning all my old thoughts and beliefs surrounding marriage and it seems like it’s kind of a waste.

First of all, I can’t really picture The Boyfriend proposing. It’s too much pressure for him. Plus, he’d probably be so worried that I’d say no that he’d chicken out. That, or it wouldn’t even be like proposing. It would be like in Sex and the City (The Movie), when Big and Carrie just sort of agree on getting married.”Well, should we get married?”, “I suppose, it kind of makes sense doesn’t it?”, “Okay, then we’re getting married!” and I’d be pissed about that. Because part of the fun of getting married is being asked!

Second of all, I can’t really picture us getting married soon after a proposal, if it even happened. We’d get engaged and then we’d stay in that state for the next 9 or 10 years. For whatever reason. And while I think it’s honorable for those who do it, I couldn’t imagine looking down at an engagement ring every single day, and knowing that my wedding day could be years off. I couldn’t stay happy in my relationship, knowing that we want to get married, but aren’t.

I just can’t really see it in my future. But, a part of me, wants it so bad. It’s a very confusing time for me… Just had to get that off of my chest!

This post is intended for adults 18+

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Good Girl/Bad Boy

Last night, even though it was basically the same as it always is, was a rather interesting sex session. I was surprised when he said that he was willing in the first place, because he had been complaining all day that he was exhausted and sore. So, being the nice girlfriend that I am, I grabbed the moisturizer and gave him a stellar massage – starting with his back and working my way down to his ass and his legs.

After the massage, he wanted to watch porn. At first, I was kind of upset by it, because if we started watching porn we’d be up half the night doing that before actualy getting down to anything. Luckily, he picked one that hardly held our interest for longer than 5 minutes and soon after we were jumping right into action.

I was much quieter last night than I have been in a really long time, so that was the first interesting change. No idea why I was quieter, but I was and it worked for me. The thing that was most interesting to me was that, on the scale of sexual encounters and their level of greatness, this one started out pretty badly. No rhythm, couldn’t get comfortable in our usual position without modifying it, a little bit awkward from the both of us in the beginning.

Sometimes, I really hate having the uncoordinated sex and other times, it just gets me more excited. Last night was definitely a more excited night. He’s really gotten into the concept of me cumming when he’s still having sex with me. I don’t think he can actually tell that I’m orgasming, but he insists on me “cumming on his cock”. It makes it a little trickier, especially when we’re in missionary, but it definitely feels really good when it happens.

Then, my absolute favorite and most memorable part of the night was when he said, “If you’re a good girl and cum on my cock, I’ll be a bad boy and cum in your pussy!”. It still just makes me shiver with extreme delight. First of all, I love it when he calls me a good girl or mentions me being a good girl during sex. I don’t know why this particular choosing of words gets to me as much as it does, but there is nothing he could say that can bring me closer to orgasm,than those two words. Secondly, that bad boy part…. mmmm!!!

Now that he’s gotten so into this “cumming on his cock” thing, I’ve had to get tricky with the way that I rub my clit during sex. I hate the feeling of my left hand, which pulls my clit nice and taut so my right hand can do it’s thing, against his stomach when he’s on top. I’m so worried that my bony knuckles will hurt him and then it becomes distracting from the pleasure I want to be feeling. So I have to figure out how to get my clit pulled back and stay there during his thrusting, while my right hand does it’s usual thing. He has gotten really good at backing off and letting me get set up and then thrusting mostly with his hips, so that he can keep right up against my clit. It still takes me longer than usual to orgasm though.

Within what seemed like just a few seconds after adjusting for me to play, I was cumming very hard and moments later, before I was even done my orgasm, he was cumming as well. I love the way he pulls me close to him while he’s orgasming and I love that he won’t move off of me until he’s sure we’re both done. We fell right to sleep as soon as we were done. He rolled his way and I cuddled into him nice and tight and he drifted right off to sleep.

I, however, was up for another two hours tossing and turning in bed, which seems to be becoming very common for me. Especially since it’s warmer and he throws heat like crazy in his sleep. Once I did fall asleep though, it was probably one of the deepest sleeps I’ve experienced in forever and being that he was an hour late for work this morning, it was probably a deep sleep for him too. I love when the sex that we have, tuckers us out enough that we have really great sleeps that night. It makes it that much more worth it!

I probably won’t get sex again for another 3 or 4 days – hard to say. He’s become really attentive to my need for sex and while I don’t get it all the time that I want it (because than I’d be getting it ALL THE TIME!), he’s definitely stepping up his game and giving it to me more often. I imagine though, the next session won’t be until his next days off. In the meantime, I’ll just keep reliving the good girl/bad boy part of the night 😉