The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Stress Overload


I’m sitting here tonight, thinking so much about how all of my problems would be solved if I could just create a routine. And you really wouldn’t think that would be so difficult, but for some reason, it absolutely is. I have no idea how to create one, and I especially don’t know how to follow through with whatever I decide the routine is going to be. But I’m noticing more and more that I need one.

For example, I need a regular wake up and sleep time routine – let my body clock reset to the right time, instead of whatever wacky time it’s currently set to. I also need a regular routine and scheduled time on the computer – I need to start treating my online work as more of work than just a hobby (maybe I’d actually get something done…) and cleaning… My god, cleaning! There is so much of it to be done and although I’m not sure how more of a routine than we’ve got going for it right now is going to help all that much, except for maybe keep us on track.

Now putting all these ideas about how a routine should work into place is being incredibly difficult for me. I just can’t figure it out, how to make it work, how to follow through, how to stay on top of it all. I’m getting quite annoyed with how out of control everything feels like it is, because I really don’t have any control over anything – and I’m ready for that to be over and done with. I’m formulating…

It’s been a really stressful and tough week. And I’ve had a few bad days, part of why I haven’t written anything in forever and a day. It has been nothing but bad news over and over again for the past 2 weeks and I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and completely giving up. Obviously I can’t do that, and so I’ve spent a lot of time in a dark and sad place. When I have gotten on the computer, which is pretty much never, I just sit here and stare at the screen, mindlessly clicking to reload the same page over and over again. For the most part, I’ve been hogging my blanket and a cushion on the couch, and that’s it.

I’m just discovering that I don’t deal with stress so well anymore, now that I’m not in the type of relationship where you can blame all the problems on the other partner. It’s like the blame lies equally on the both of us and it just sucks. At least with Alfie, even 5 years after we’ve broken up, I can blame all my hardships and stress and tough times on him – but he’s not around for me to yell and scream at when I’m feeling upset. And even if he was, I’m not sure that I’d be able to get through a fight with anyone… So now I have no choice to experiment with dealing with this stress differently than blaming and fighting. Let me tell you, it’s not being easy for one instant.

And I’m not the only one not dealing with the stress very well right now. I don’t know why or how it is that we’re both so stressed out, and I’m surprised that it’s not having more of a negative effect on our relationship, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen two people struggle with their emotions more than The Boyfriend and I have. For him, he can’t even describe the emotions that he’s having. The most he’s been able to get at is that it makes him feel “bad”. We had a rather touching moment the other day in program when The Boyfriend confessed that he felt a little bit like Atlas, carrying the weight of the whole world on his shoulders, but he had to because “this family is my responsibility and they are relying on me. It’s my job as their Dad to take care of them!” – Have I ever told you how much I love that he loves 4 of us that aren’t biologically his? It always just touches my heart how much cares about all of us, especially the older kids.

I guess that’s really all I have to say, unfortunately. Until next time…

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Venty McVenterson


These last few days are just dragging on and on and seem to be going at such a slow pace that I can feel myself aging. I don’t even know where to begin to be completely honest.

On Friday, I got woken up to banging on the door. I ignored it at first, but it was just being relentless. When I did finally get up to check on it, it was Child Services again. Someone at the school called on us about a variety of things that were not based in fact at all. I spent all of Friday crying about it and I was just in a really bad way about this particular call. Kaeidyn had been talking to her counselor and apparently something she said during one of their meetings was essentially part of the report and so Kaeidyn felt like it was her fault they got called on us this time.

On top of my own crappy emotions about this whole thing, I also had to reassure my 8-year-old that she didn’t do anything wrong and that she wasn’t going to get taken away because of it. Needless to say, I’m worried out of my mind about that little girl. She trusted this counselor and now I’m worried that that trust is going to be gone and she’s going to have no one to talk to about all of the frightened and scared feelings she has – because she’s still dealing with the trauma of the break in. So now, on top of the stress of having to prove my worth as a perfectly decent parent, I have to stress about finding her a new counselor and one that she might be able to trust and it feels like I’m going to break any minute…

So, we spent the next few days cleaning and getting ready for Child Services to come back to the house. All in all, this went really well. The Boyfriend and I are finally not sleeping in the living room, but moved our bed up to a room. I also went on a Kijiji hunt for couches and ended up scoring a 3-seater couch with 2 recliners and a love seat recliner. Our living room finally looks like a living room and not a teenagers messy bedroom. We’ve all really been enjoying it and The Boyfriend especially likes how much closer he can sit to the TV and comfortably on top of it!

Alfie also called, after over two months of no contact whatsoever. He was coming into town. So now, he’s been over here and while he had originally come up with some lame excuse as to his lack of presence, he eventually came around to the truth of the matter. Apparently he’s been getting in some trouble and had to deal with that. I’ve had to deal with my feelings surrounding him a lot these last few days. The Mommy in me is having a very volatile argument with herself about this guy in my kids life. A really big part of the mommy in me doesn’t want him having anything to do with my kids and I’ve come to the conclusion that under no circumstances will he be allowed to be alone with the kids anytime soon. Another job lost, another friendship destroyed, another stint with the police involved and really, it’s too much for my heart and head to handle. He’s just such a big disappointment… But the other part of the mommy in me thinks, “He’s their Dad”… Even though you’d never know it!

Things between my Mom and I have also been tense, which is not giving me any rest. I mean, really, they’re still wonderful and we’re talking just as much as we ever did. But I keep turning to her, thinking she’s my support and she should be supporting me, but for some reason, I’m not getting the support I feel like I need from her. Instead, I’m getting a lot of lectures and suggestions and opinions about all the things I’m doing wrong and there is absolutely no focus on what I’m doing right – unless it’s an afterthought because my feathers are ruffling. I even snapped at her the other day that I don’t come to her to hear what I can hear from the government, I come to her to hear that they’re wrong – especially when that’s the truth! It would be different if I was doing so much wrong, but I’m not. They didn’t even know about the dirty house until they got here and even then, the only comment made was about the floor in the kitchen which hadn’t been mopped in two days.

I wrote my first song in years the other day. It was interesting and I forgot how good that feels and how much I enjoy doing it. I don’t know what I’m going to call this song or how it’s going to sound once I add an instrument to the mix, but I had great fun writing it and it was an incredible release for me. I felt like I said all that I needed to say in 2 verses, a bridge and a chorus. It’s beautiful when that happens and it felt really nice.

Tomorrow, we go for program again. The Boyfriend is looking forward to it because he’s been incredibly stressed out about this last Child Services case, even though our file has been closed now. He’s taking this one personally, even though I’m not exactly sure why. I think he’s just reached his breaking limit as well. Needless to say, he’s looking forward to getting it all off his chest, because he hasn’t really yet. Is it terrible that I’m almost excited to see what he goes in there with? I mean, obviously we’ve talked and I’ve heard what he has to say, but he’s just so much more theatrical when it’s not just me and him, and I enjoy seeing that side of him, but I especially enjoy that it’s the only time that you can really tell that he’s as complex as he likes to say he is 😉

Well, I think that’s pretty much it. I’m sure I’ll think of something else later. I’ll add the song lyrics eventually too. Now, it’s time to listen to tunes and veg  until the older kids get home. Thanks for reading!


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Rough Couple of Days…


It’s been a rough couple days around here and you can tell… You can tell the second you walk into my house and it’s dark and gloomy and nothing looks clean at all (even though we’ve been cleaning every single day) and it just looks like a house filled with sadness and stress. Frankly, because that’s exactly what this house is filled with right now. And I’m really really hating it….

The first thing that’s all out of whack is our financial situation and neither The Boyfriend or I can figure out how it’s going as wrong as it is. Back before we moved into this place, the house that is now dubbed “Gilchrist”, we were paying $300 more a month in rent, we were spending our money on a lot more stupid stuff like video games and movies and general electronics, we were paying a lot more where bills and utilities were concerned and somehow we managed to not always be hurting for money. I mean yes, we had our months, but it wasn’t like this where it seems to be constant.

Now, we’re paying $300 less, we’re no longer buying movies because we have Netflix, The Boyfriend hasn’t bought a video game that couldn’t be found in the cheap bin since we moved in here (oh, now that I think about it, one game new), and we have one less utility bill and the bills that we are getting are cheaper than they were in the other house. We have spent the last few weeks trying to see where we’re going wrong and the only thing that keeps coming to mind is the cost of our groceries.

With all the kids getting bigger and having fuller days, we’ve noticed that we’re spending about $100 more per week on groceries. And yes, there are a few things that The Boyfriend and I could cut down on big time, such as smoking and the amount of Sprite that I’m drinking or the number of store-bought coffees we could be getting, so yes, there are changes that can still be made to remedy this financial situation, but we can’t figure out what we’re doing wrong or differently from Gilchrist. And it’s bringing both of us down a lot.

For him, he feels nothing but guilt. He loves his job so much, he really does. I don’t think you’ll ever meet a Wal-Mart employee who has so much pride in his work and who loves working for that company as much as The Boyfriend does. But, he’s not getting paid enough to be able to support this big family of ours, he’s just not, not by himself anyways. And he feels incredibly guilty about that. He feels guilty because he can’t be a better provider while keeping this job that he loves and while I constantly remind him that I’d rather him be happy at a job than make tons of money, he still feels inadequate.

For me, I just keep thinking that I need to get back to work but right now it’s so damn hard. The big thing that’s standing in my way when it comes to returning to the workforce is a daycare. With my Mom working, she can’t really be relied on to watch the kids and even if she could, it could only be for 21 days out of the month because of her partner’s job. Getting them into a daycare facility or into a dayhome program, not only involves tons of waiting on waiting lists, but also costs a whole heck of a lot of money and if you didn’t catch it from all my ranting before, money is so damn tight right now that just thinking about having to throw out all that money is a hugely overwhelming shock to my system that I’m just avoiding thinking about it at all…

There also comes the issue of Keirnan and his half school days. If I were to get a job and couldn’t take the time off at lunch to get him to school, how would he get there? He wouldn’t, and as it is with how often he’s been sick or how often he’s had to stay home because Carter or I was too sick to walk him, the schools already calling about all his missed days… Just the whole thought of me going back to work right now is such a huge stressor and yet, I sincerely don’t think we’ll last too many more months with our crappy financial situation. It’s kind of like, I need a job or we’re completely screwed…

Then, we’re still dealing with all this Child Services stuff. Not technically Child Services anymore but that stuff. So, Child Services came in (as I’ve told you before) and even though the report that was filed against us was proven to be false on the very first day, the lady decided we still needed a little help as parents. After a few more interviews with her and a lot of being told that we simply weren’t doing a good enough job in her eyes, we were referred to a parenting program with another lady. I still don’t know exactly how I feel about it. One day I’ll think it’s a great idea and that The Boyfriend and I could use some help with some of the problems that we’re having with the kids and as parents. I mean, how many times do I vent to you guys all about how annoyed I am by the kids? That’d be nice not to do anymore. But then the next day, I’ll think that I really don’t need that kind of help when it comes to parenting and that I want the chance to figure it out on my own and that I stopped going to all the parenting programs I was a part of for a reason and those reasons still exist today. It’s a confusing time for my brain.

But, we really have no choice. If we don’t go to this program, our Child Services file will stay open and I fear that eventually, they won’t be nice about things anymore and eventually they’ll just take my kids and I absolutely do not want that. So, I concede to their wishes, no matter how much I fight with myself about it, because it’s necessary. So, I had my first appointment last Thursday and this Friday, The Boyfriend and I go for the first real assessment of our family… And I’m just not looking forward to it.

Firstly, because a lot of it will be discussing Alfie… We chose Kaeidyn as the kid we were going to focus on, because her and I just can’t seem to get along very well. We’re always arguing, our attitudes are always colliding and we’re both so stubborn that we don’t get anywhere with each other. At our first meeting, we discussed a little bit about our break-in awhile back and how that was a traumatic experience for her and then, her Dad got brought up. This is always such a sensitive subject for all of us, not just her. I mean, Alfie was a really toxic influence in our lives and easily was a traumatic experience for us all. The boys are all too young to really remember what it was like with him, but not Kaeidyn…

And the worst part is, is even though Alfie is hardly present at all in their lives anymore (save for the holidays and his birthday apparently), he still has such a massive effect on them. For instance, Kaeidyn has an email address and she uses it to send messages to her grandparents, sign up for computer game accounts and mostly, check in with her Dad. For awhile, he was responding to her as fast as he could and things were going really well. Then, he called and said he would start paying child support to us directly now that he had gotten this great paying job. Month one went by without a hitch and then the next month, he asked if he could not pay one week so that he could come and see the kids. I’ve always told him that to me, it’s more important to have him around than it is to have his money. And up until recently, we were doing fine without his money. So, I said yes to not paying that week so he could come see the kids.

That weekend went by and he never came to see them, never called and never sent any money. Kaeidyn had been emailing him non-stop during this time. Asking when he was coming down, asking how his day was going, just constantly with the emails. Not once did he respond. The kids got to see him last weekend, not because he paid money for it and not because he went out of his way to make sure he got to see them, but because his family did. Here he is, bragging about the new phone he got and the new this and that that he got, and still, Kaeidyn’s been emailing him, and there’s been no response. No one knows how to get in touch with him, he hasn’t called here in weeks and Kaeidyn can definitely tell that The Boyfriend and I are having some major freaking problems surrounding Alfie. We’re both beyond pissed at him.

I can’t stop beating myself up for ever choosing such a loser to be the father of 3 out of 4 of my kids, The Boyfriend can’t stop being angry that any dad can just “abandon” (his words, not mine) his kids like this and we’re both just not dealing well with this whole Alfie situation. And guaranteed, it’s going to get brought up over and over again in these parenting program appointments of ours and it’s just a great big stress that I would much rather not deal with. We’re just not having a good couple of days…


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Overwhelming Sadness


It’s been a really long time since I last wrote and I’m hating it, but frankly, I have had absolutely no desire at all to get on the computer. I’ve barely had any desire to do anything. To be quite honest, I think I’m just finally breaking out of a couple week’s long bout of depression… Almost 5 years without any signs of it and now it feels like it’s been creeping in on me.

There have been no real reasons behind this at all, just a general feeling of sadness that has persisted despite everything I’ve done to change it – save for taking any medication. Maybe it all stems from the fact that I began losing interest in the computer and so haven’t been on it for quite a long time. It’s to the point where the whole family is getting annoyed that I’m not going on the computer anymore…

It’s also been a pretty rough couple of weeks these last few. From all the dealings with child service (yes, we’re still dealing with them), to the kids really misbehaving, to a general lack of money and a house that I can’t seem to keep clean, it’s all just a little overwhelming. It just keeps feeling like there is disappointment at every single corner and the disappointments in everything are just stacking up now.

And really, I’ve only had 2 really bad days, during a period where every word Kaeidyn and I were saying to each other resulted in a fight. For those two days, going to bed was full of tears and the moment my eyes opened in the moment, full of tears. It’s so much rougher than I ever anticipated it could be with an 8-year-old that is so full of attitude. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so sympathetic towards my Mom and what she had to go through with me at those ages. And frankly, I’m terrified of her getting any older than this.

The boys have also had more energy than they know what to do with. So, I’ve got the mental exhaustion of Kaeidyn and the physical exhaustion of Kenzie, Keirnan and Carter and while I have a great help in The Boyfriend, there are just too many times when he’s not here and I’m left alone to deal with it all. Add on top of all of that that I feel like I’m never dealing with it in a way that makes me feel good when I walk away from it, and it’s hard to not spend my entire days thinking about how much I’m failing as a Mom and that just generally makes you feel crappy.

The people in my life that matter to me, like my Mom and The Boyfriend and a few others, tell me that I’m not absolutely failing as a Mom. In The Boyfriend’s eyes, I’m the best Mom out there and I do so much for the kids and he wouldn’t ask for anyone else to be the Mom to his kid. Of course, I always think he’s just saying those things because he feels obligated to say them or just because he doesn’t know any better himself. My Mom will tell me that I’m not absolutely failing, just that I have a few areas to work on, to improve. But still, not the crappiest Mom in the world. But for some reason, the people that doesn’t matter to me at all in my life, such as child services, they say that I’m not the best Mom and I take that as I’m a total failure who is obviously not meant to raise these kids.

More than once in the past few weeks have I seriously considered sending the older three to live with their Dad or to just plain tell child services to take them, because the feeling that I can’t do it at all, that I can’t be a good parent to them is sometimes so overwhelming that I feel like giving up. And then I feel horrible for feeling like giving up, because I’ve always been prideful of the fact that I’ve been here for these kids through thick and thin, no matter what, for their entire lives. I’ve never given up, so it’s incredible difficult on an emotional level to have those thoughts at any time… To think about giving up.

I imagine, now that The Boyfriend has finally gotten me back on the computer, that you can expect another post in a day or so. But this was just a started to let you know some of what’s been going on that has kept me away from you. Feels good to finally write again!


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Failure is Natural, Apparently


It’s just absolute second nature to me, failing… I fail at everything and usually it’s in the most epic way possible. I can’t just complete a freaking goal. Seriously, how hard is it to blog every single day? Not that hard, especially when I’ve had so freaking much to write about. But, this is the first time in at least 5 days that I’ve even gotten on the computer…

The funk that I had been talking about a few days ago, not only got worse but lasted for a long time. Even at this point, I’m not sure I’m out of it or if this is just a little break it’s allowing me to take. I haven’t felt this agitated, depressed, overwhelmed, and just generally upset in a really long time. Today, thank goodness, is being a decent day and I haven’t been boggled down by nothing but negative thoughts but it’s the first day in almost a week that I’ve felt this good.

For the most part, this last week really sucked.

First, I lost all love of blogging literally overnight. I even sat down with The Boyfriend and had a serious discussion with him about not blogging anymore… I’m not sure what sparked this feeling that I’m done with it and I still haven’t even made a decision one way or another. I just sometimes feel like I waste so much of my time on blogging (on all my blogs) and for no real purpose. I’m just losing all my blogging hope. Hope for what, I don’t know, but I’m losing it… And I can’t believe how seriously I’ve considered stopping, because if I don’t have blogging, what do I have?!?

Then, the week continued to get worse as I felt more and more bad about thinking about quitting blogging. My Mom had come over after I had had a stressful couple of days and was just feeling generally down and out. As we’re talking on my bed, a lady comes up to my door. Turns out, yet again, someone called Child Services on us – this time, we apparently had no food. I invited her into the house and was all proud because our cupboards were filled with food, so there was no merit to this report that they had gotten. But because of our previous issue with them, she’s decided to keep our case opened…

Our house was relatively clean and what wasn’t cleaned, got that way before she came over again. I figured it would be as simple as showing her that we could get the little bit of mess that was here cleaned up and she would close our case and everything would be fine. But no… Instead, she thinks that both The Boyfriend and I need some additional parenting help, so until we start getting that, our case is staying open.

I wish that I didn’t have to keep proving myself over and over again as a perfectly capable parent. Yes, my house gets dirtier than it should and that’s something that I am sincerely working on. Other than that, there is nothing anyone can say about me that puts me into the bad parent category that continually needs to be monitored by a government agency. They’ve interviewed the kids multiple times now and each time results in the same thing, the kids saying that they are happy in the situation they have and that they wouldn’t change it for the world… They’ve now interviewed me multiple times and The Boyfriend twice and they know we are aware of the problems we do have, we are taking steps to deal with the problems we do have and we’re willing to do even more. I’m not sure what more we could possibly do to prove that we’re not shit parents.

And I’m absolutely tired of people who have never even set foot into my house, calling about things they have no idea about. We don’t even know who called on us this time, which just drives me even more up the wall. It was most definitely someone who has never been in my house, that’s all I know for sure. It makes parenting so much harder though when you aren’t even given the chance to be confident in what you are doing, but instead are constantly wondering when the next time someone is going to file a false report about you. I just hate that I work my ass off day in and day out to provide my kids with the things they need, to give myself to them and be there for them, when I’m exhausting myself stressing out about them, and none of it seems to make even a fraction of a difference. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s comforting, haters gonna hate…

After the lady left, both the first and second visits, I was beyond ready to throw in the towel. I kept saying over and over again that if the government really thought I was just that terrible of a parent, they should just take the kids or that I should just send them to live with Alfie and let him deal with constantly having every aspect of his parenting shoved down his throat as an improvement he needs to make. Obviously, these are only thoughts and not actually something I would do. I couldn’t stand having my kids taken from me, even by their own dad…

Then, my brother was in the hospital for a couple days and we were all excited about any progress he might be able to make. They put him back on the same old meds that he was on last time, at a super-low-dose and then sent him home. For a day or two, he seemed alright. A little bit crazy here and there, but nothing that wasn’t manageable. Then, out of nowhere, he’s right back to absolute crazy even while he’s still on the meds. So, we’ve been dealing with him whenever the house that he’s living out no longer feels “safe” to him. It’s stressing everyone out and we all seem bitchy because of it.

It’s just been a whirlwind week of crap and I don’t even think I’ve opened the whole can left. It’s like when you open a can of corn and you’re shaking it all out but there’s still a huge clump of kernels not letting go. I haven’t even delved into that clump. That’s how I feel… It sure makes a person want to sleep a whole heck of a lot!


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No More Crazy, Please?!?


This morning is not being good to me at all. If I thought yesterday was an emotionally rough day, I think today – no, I know today – is going to end up being even worse…

First, there is the fact that I got less than two hours of sleep. For some reason, the kids and I have been on high-alert about everything. Every little noise, any slight bit of movement, literally everything. We’re all sketching pretty hard, about what or why, I’m not 100% sure. Yes, we did have a break-in and yes, we’re all still feeling some of the affects of that, but sketching this hard… So, it took awhile for the kids to fall asleep because they were up and down over every thump from the neighbors or because The Boyfriend and I would get too quiet downstairs.

Once they were asleep though, I thought I’d fall asleep with ease. As The Boyfriend and I tucked ourselves into bed, I see lights flashing like crazy out the front window. So, I go over and look and there’s a cop car just down the street a little ways, just sitting there with his lights on. Don’t ask me why, but this made me incredibly nervous. Then, the cop starts acting real sketchy like – and not actually the cop, but the car he was driving. First, he’s stopped at one stop sign, then he does a U-turn and stops at the other stop sign, then he drives around the intersection and stops at another stop sign, each time sitting there for a good 5 or 10 minutes, lights blaring through the front window.

So, I spent a good long while nervous and frantically checking in on the sketchy cop and his lights. After the cop finally leaves and relief washes over me, the heater starts sounding differently. This is pretty common for me. It takes me awhile to get used to the heater at night, because it just sounds so much louder and more daunting when the house is quiet. During the day, we don’t notice it because there is just so much noise around here, but at night, there is nothing to drown the thing out. I tossed and turned forever freaking out about the heater.

Finally, my eyes won’t stay open any longer. I can’t fight sleep and my whole body can feel it. My ankle starts to hurt really bad and it takes me forever to get comfortable, especially being that I’m too worried to roll away from the door, so I stay uncomfortably facing it. The Boyfriend can feel me tossing and turning, even though he’s been sleeping for a couple hours. He rolls over and snuggles in close behind me. Again, I feel relief – for a moment.

Now that the weather is getting warmer, he sweats in his sleep, profusely. I’ve never witnessed anything like the sweat that pours from him during his sleep. And he doesn’t even notice. But as he cuddles into me, all I can feel is wet and cold and hot all at the same time and it’s not a good environment for sleep. How he sleeps is beyond me, because I don’t think I could if I were the one sweating like that. He says that the only thing he notices is that he gets really really cold when the blanket is taken off…

His alarm goes off, 6 AM, and I’m just starting to fall asleep. He gets up and I steal his pillow and make myself quite comfortable. As he’s waiting for his cab, I’m content and drift off. He leaves and I lock the door behind him and then fall right back to sleep with ease. Before I can even get to the point of a blissful deep sleep, a creepy and very light rat-a-tat-tat happens at my door. I ignore it, since I recognize the knock as my brother’s. But, it happens again and then a push on the locked door and then it happens again and again.

I was content to continue to ignore it until I deemed it an appropriate hour for him to be here. The kids, however, did not feel the same way. All three of the older kids come rushing down the stairs, “Someone’s at our door! Mommy, there’s someone at our door!“. I whisper to them that it’s just Uncle Goober and we’re just going to ignore him. As he pushes on the door again, all the kids jump and Kaeidyn begins crying, “Mommy, please just answer the door!”, scared out of her skull.

I go over to the door and yell through it, “You can’t be here right now, it’s too early. You’re scaring the kids and you need to go back to your house to sleep” and he starts yelling back at me – something my brother almost never does. I tell him he needs to leave my doorstep or I’m going to have to call the cops on him, so he leaves and we’re all prepared to go back to sleep. The kids all crawl into bed with me, we get ourselves all tucked in and comfy, when his voice is now at my front door mumbling away to himself. I go over to the door and open it and before he can even get a word in, tell him he needs to leave and he needs to leave now! Then, he starts yelling at me again as he’s slowly backing away from a very grumpy-in-the-morning Val… He starts saying how where he’s living now isn’t working out either and can’t he just sleep where he feels safe and all this crap, that I find out later isn’t even true.

For some reason, he goes completely stiff and then falls down into the snow and says that he’s going to sleep there. Not in the mood, I say to him that I’m calling the cops and close and lock the door behind me. He goes back to his house. I call my Mom, in tears because of all this lack of sleep and all this stress first thing in the morning and I’m yelling at her about the whole situation. She’s trying to calm me down and I’m just getting more and more upset about it. She calls around to find out from the house what’s going on with him and then she calls his work to find out what’s going on there and my brother is just bat-shit crazy right now and it’s to the point where our only option is to call the cops on him…

And, it feels freaking terrible!

By this point, the thought of sleep is the furthest thing from anyone’s mind. We’re all pissed off, we’re all upset, we’re all worried, we’re all stressed out and we’re all completely helpless… I don’t know how to help him through this at all. I don’t even think Freud would’ve been able to help him through this! I’m strongly of the opinion that he needs to be institutionalized until they find a cocktail of drugs that will work for him, will help him sleep, will help him stay in control of his thoughts. Like my Mom says every single time I try to tell her he doesn’t need drugs, he has done actual brain damage and it’s not something talk therapy is going to help.

I want so badly to be his big supportive and protective sister. I want so badly to take him in my arms and make him feel all better. I can’t imagine how it feels for my Mom… I just want him to not be crazy like this.


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I Am Angry…


I did so well that first night. A couple Smirnoff Ice’s and I fell asleep easily and like a baby. Last night, sans alcohol, the story was not the same. I tossed and turned and frantically jumped at every single noise for the first 4 hours after going to bed. Once I did fall asleep, I couldn’t stay that way and then, 8 AM rolls around and my alarm goes off. I hit snooze when suddenly rat-a-tat-tat at the door.

Yesterday morning, the guy who broke into the house out of sheer fear comes by at the crack of dawn to apologize for what he had done. Because our door was busted, we rigged a dresser up in front of it to keep it shut. I couldn’t move it out of the way, so shouted through the door that we thanked him for his apology and were sorry for all of what was happening to him and his family. I thought that would be it…

But this morning, the guys mother-in-law shows up on our doorstep, telling us the whole story behind what was happening and how her son is now going to end up in jail even though he just had a baby. I was still half asleep when she starts going off, so didn’t really respond to her, just told her that I understood – even though, by my reaction after she had left, it’s obvious I don’t understand.

So, here’s the story as we understand it so far…

A few months ago, our neighbours, a guy and a girl, had a baby. The baby was about 3 months old when it died of SIDS. At this point, the mom and dad begin doing drugs and start getting abusive towards one another. Finally, the girl gets fed up with being smacked around and calls her mom. Her mom decides to send her brother over to their house to “deal with it”. Instead of being a grown up and dealing with it in a logical and sensical way, her brother goes over with a BB gun and a buddy with a baseball bat and threatens to beat the shit out of the guy for hitting his sister. He runs away from his beating, all the way over to our house, breaks down our door and then gets beaten on our floor.

That’s essentially the whole story right there, as we know it at the moment…

And it makes me so damn mad. First of all, it makes me mad that because these 2 people’s lives were destroyed by the tragedies that faced them, they had to go and destroy 6 other completely unrelated people’s lives. And I know that destroy sounds very dramatic in this situation, being that we’re all alive and all okay. But when I say destroy, I’m speaking psychologically. My biggest fear in the world was that someone would break into my house – and somebody did. And I had that fear so under control and now that’s completely out the window. I’ll never be able to sleep again without worrying that I’m going to close my eyes and someone’s going to bang at my door like that…

Who the hell knows how this is affecting the kids… Carter was sitting right here in the living room when they broke down the door. If it weren’t for The Boyfriend grabbing him and holding onto him tight, there’s every chance in the world one of those BB’s would’ve hit him or he would’ve been in the crossfires of the morons punches. The other 3 kids were wide awake up in their room, listening to the screaming and raucous that was going on downstairs, just praying to god that the “bad guys” didn’t come up to their room. Whose to say this isn’t something that’s going to affect them for the rest of their lives.

They destroyed our lives!!

And I’m so incredibly angry about it. I hurt for them and that’s the worst part. My emotions are literally all over the place. On one hand, I feel sorry for the whole lot of them and I want to help them so bad. They are hurting and I can just imagine how messed up they must be. There’s a huge part of me that wants to go over to their house (only 4 doors down from us) and just wrap them both in my arms and I want to cry with them and hurt with them and comfort them.

On the other hand, I’m so angry. I’m mad at them and I want to hurt them like they hurt me. I want to slap them both for being such morons and cowards. I want to scream at them and make them feel guilty for the pain they’ve caused us. I want to force them to stare into my kids face and see how scared they’ve made them. I want to slap the mother who sent her son over there to “deal with it” and I want them to feel more terrible than they’ve ever felt before. How dare they!

Needless to say, I have spent the entire morning in a state of extreme anger. I have vented my head off to The Boyfriend, I have said over and over again how much I’m resisting going over there and involving myself anymore, and I just can’t stop being so mad. And frankly, I feel incredibly guilty for being so mad. I’m mad because they can’t just leave well enough alone. It’s not enough that they already broke down my door and they already shot me with a BB, it’s not enough. Now, they have to keep coming back every morning, making me re-live the whole thing over and over again.

I just feel like, if there was anything to throw me over to the deep end of the mental ocean, this is it and I’m so angry about that!