The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous


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Design Woes: A Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Tale


I’m doing it again… I don’t know why I punish myself like this and I wonder how many other bloggers/web designers have this problem. I can never just leave well enough alone and I always want better. It’s like the grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side type of issue but all about the design of your website.

I’m not talking about this blog, although I’ve already begun falling out of love with the design of it, but I’m talking about Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. I’ve had the same design on that site since it’s infancy and I’m getting incredibly tired of it. I want a change and I want something different. But then, when I try to figure out what I want, I just completely blank.

It doesn’t help that, while I’m totally confident with HTML, even though I’m understanding CSS a lot better, I’m just not confident with it. I don’t believe I could manipulate it and get anything like what I see when I’m searching for inspiration – which I’ve been doing too much of. I can tell it’s too much, because instead of inspiring me, it’s just making me feel sad. “Oh, that’s a nice site. Too bad I’ll never be able to replicate anything close to it…”. Lots of negative self-talking going on.

The biggest thing that I can’t seem to figure out is what kind of design do I want to go for on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous? What kind would most adult bloggers appreciate and be attracted to? I personally have never seen a design that I truly enjoy on most adult websites. Ones that I don’t hate so much, okay – but one that I’m really attracted to. Nope. The sites I’m typically attracted to are the ones that you often find in the “design inspiration” type of posts – the clean, minimalistic, super-simple-to-navigate type of sites. Now, how do I execute that type of feel on a social network and still highlight all the things I want to highlight, without turning it into a cluttered mess (which is what I believe I have right now on the site…)?

Then another issue that I have is that I would prefer to make all my own images. Have social icons that look like they were made specifically for an adult blogging social network, have an overall design scheme that feels like it was created just for this site and not any other, have real quality in the layout of the content, etc. And I feel like everything I want to do requires me to at least be able to create a cool image using an editor like Gimp or Photoshop. But I am the furthest thing from a visual artist. Words and music, I can do, but create something that is visually appealing; not my finest hour.

So, not only do I have a problem actually creating these things, I have a hard time visualizing it in the first place. It automatically makes it feel overwhelming and daunting and it’s no freaking wonder I haven’t re-designed this site in forever and a day… Wow!

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This post is intended for adults 18+


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Broaching the Subject


I think it’s about time that we have a serious discussion. Not me and you, dear reader. The Boyfriend and I. I am beginning to feel all sorts of negative emotions surrounding our sex life. And while I’d like to say it’s the fact that I’m getting vanilla sex and no kinky sex and that’s solely where the problem lies, unfortunately that would be a lie. It’s the vanilla sex too.

First of all, I am incredibly horny. Like all the time style. I feel like if I don’t orgasm at least once a day, I will explode. I have been thinking non-stop about sex, it’s been showing up in my dreams constantly, it’s always on my mind. And I’m sick of treating that like it’s some kind of problem. Like I’m some kind of nymphomaniac or sex addict. Because that’s not the case! I’m just simply horny…

And it wouldn’t be a problem, me being this horny all the time, if I knew for a fact that I would be able to get off at least once a day without worrying about anything else. But, he’s too tired. And not because he’s actually too tired, because he forces himself to be. Last night, I made it very clear that I was very turned on and would love to have an orgasm. But he decided it was too late and he had to get up early for work in the morning. Then he proceeded to watch Futurama for the next hour. Too tired for sex but not tired enough for Futurama. Needless to say, I just stayed up late masturbating while he fell asleep next to me.

His priorities, on a sexual level, are just all messed up. It’s been 4 years now, he knows what I’m like sexually and I just feel like it’s being completely ignored. Who cares that Val needs an orgasm tonight or who cares that Val’s been begging for a spanking and who cares that Val wants oral sex? No one, that’s who!

I feel terrible for bitching about this at all. When he does give me sex, which is still often, just not as often as I feel I need it, it’s amazing and wonderful sex. It’s not like he leaves me hanging for weeks without orgasm and it’s not like he’s an ass when he does say no to sex. He’s honestly a wonderful, incredible, beautiful lover. But I’m having a hard time not feeling like I’m completely neglecting a huge part of myself. A huge part!

I want to have a conversation with him and figure out how we can solve this issue, before it completely tears us apart. Honestly, what I really want, and it’s totally not the right way to be thinking at all, is for him to let me go off and explore with other people the things that I need to experience. I want him to say that I can masturbate whenever I feel I need it, I want him to say that I can find a girlfriend, I want him to say that I can go to munches and play parties by myself and I want him to give me permission to start a secondary  type of relationship. And just thinking it makes me feel like a massive hypocrite.

I get upset when he watches porn or downloads a strip poker app without me. It turns into big fights – the only fights we’ve ever had. Again, I still say the biggest reason is the sneaking around, doing it behind my back and lying about it, but still. How can I possibly think that doing any of what I described in the paragraph above would help our relationship?!? Not that our relationship really needs any help. It’s just me!

Maybe I want too much. Maybe I just have to be patient. But straight up, I’m sick of being patient. I was 14 when I first discovered my interests in kink and 16 when I became really serious about those interests. And to this day, I can count the number of times that I’ve gotten to have even just a taste at the experience of those interests on one hand, maybe with the addition of 1 or 2 fingers. I just feel like I’m being neglected…

Like my desires, my interests, my fantasies are all being neglected. Are all being tossed out and ignored and I am so sick of it. I’m sick of these stupid vanilla relationships where the mere mention of enjoying a hand around the throat, throws my partner into thoughts of freaky, twisted things. I want to be able to have sex at any moment of the day that I get all hot and bothered, I want to have sex in places other than my bed in positions other than missionary, I want so badly to get my ass spanked so hard that I’m left with marks for days on end and I want to feel like after I’ve had an orgasm, that I’m absolutely satisfied, not that I could go for another one or another hundred.

I don’t even know how to start a conversation with him that will be in anyway constructive, when I feel so personally attacked by this shit…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Dreaming of Head


I think I’m developing a complex, an oral sex complex. For the past few days, right before I actually wake up and after I’ve already hit snooze once or twice, I drift into dreamland. While there, a dream conducts itself in the usual way – kind of scattered and not making any real sense but it always ends the exact same way.

This morning’s dream was probably the most memorable as we walked through a town called Innisfail (and not the real town of Innisfail). The town was on a mountainside and every single building looked like it had been built to resemble a bomb shelter. The Boyfriend had apparently transferred jobs and we were going to see a lady about our own little bomb bunker. As we walk through the town, there’s not a Wal-Mart in site, but there is a (not even kidding you) Damage Hall. I don’t know why you’d want to advertise that you are the Damage Hall, but I guess that’s just how they do in the sheltered town of Innisfail.

Here’s where the dream starts matching every single other dream I’ve had for the past few days. Somehow The Boyfriend and I end up at a place where we’re sitting down and I’m snuggling into his chest. He has no shirt and only boxers to cover any of him. We begin making out, which I swear feels identical to when we are actually making out. My body feels tingly just about everywhere, I sweat and I would not be surprised if I moan along with my dream self (although, I’m not aware of it if I really am). But in the dream, it feels incredibly real.

Then, I pull back to take a breath and he cockily spreads his arms wider and opens his legs further, allowing the hole in his boxers to reveal the treasure beneath and he says to me in his sexy sex voice, “So, you know what I want?”. In the real world, he does almost this exact same thing when he wants head. Every guy I’ve ever been with is like this. They get comfy and settle in for the pleasure of my mouth, before officially announcing (even if just subtly) that they want oral sex. I normally say yes, because I couldn’t say no to a beautiful piece on display.

Almost as soon as he asks, I wake up. I have no idea how the dream ends or if he ends up getting head or if I end up saying no. I know nothing! However, I do find it interesting that I’m dreaming about giving him oral sex when in real life, I’ve been complaining so much about not getting it. And complaining isn’t the right word to use there, more like mentioning that I’m not getting it.

I’ve told him straight out that I’m not giving him head again until I get some. I’ve mentioned that I’m in the mood for it and then not gotten it. The only thing I haven’t done is asked out right for it. We sort of talked about that the other day. He said he wanted me to ask right out and I said I wasn’t comfortable with that all the time. It would be nice for someone to act like they wanted to eat me out, not that they were just doing it because I had asked. As if it were taking out the garbage. “Oh dear, can you take out the garbage and when you’re done, come eat my pussy…”. While it’s hot in theory, when you’re living it every day, not so much.

I think the fact that it’s been so long and the idea that I need to ask or direct to get it, seems to really be bothering me. I can tell because it’s on my mind a lot when I’m awake but even more so, because I’m dreaming about it. It’s in my conscious and my subconscious… I think what it really comes down to is that I want some vulva appreciation to go down. I want this area of my being, that I’m quickly falling out of love with, to be loved and cherished and kissed – instead of pounded, penetrated and fucked.

I wish he would eat me out like I give him head. Playful, teasing, long and drawn out, tons of tongue. It’s just been a long time…


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Wasting My Life Cleaning…


Today is not being a good day. It started out better than I had expected, but it just seems to be slowly going downhill. I’ve had a cold for the past couple of days that has been a real bitch to everything. I’ve been way lazier than I’d like, my head has felt swollen for days on end now and I have tissue burn so bad that I feel like my top lip is on fire. But this morning, I woke up and the stuffy nose was barely noticeable and I had officially moved on to the really intense coughing that signals that this cold is almost over. I was relieved.

And when I woke up at a better hour today than I had expected, seeing as I’ve slept in way too late the past 2 days because of this cold, I was excited to see that I was up and awake and moving around before 10. We had let the cleaning slide for the days that I was sick, so there was quite a bit of that to be done and I’m not even close to done that and it’s starting to make me grumpy.

This house is too big. It took me three hours to collect the laundry from upstairs and clean the upstairs bathroom, then to wash 2 loads of dishes and wipe down all counters/surfaces in the kitchen, take down a load of laundry and start it, and then sweep and mop the living room floor while The Boyfriend cleaned all surfaces and laundry out of the living room. Three freaking hours!!

Now that would signal to you that it was really messy in here, but in fact, it really wasn’t. Laundry was the only real mess anywhere, that and the floor desperately needed to be mopped. Other than that, there really wasn’t all that much to do. On a good day, that would’ve taken The Boyfriend and I about half an hour to an hour to do, not three!! I feel like I’ve wasted an entire day…

I am just not made for this world of domestics and cleaning. It makes me more upset than it does happy. The only chore I enjoy doing at all is the dishes and I believe there’s a few different reasons for that. First one is, it’s the only one I can do and stay completely immobile. Ever the lazy house cleaner, I prefer my chores to reflect that. I don’t have to move, I don’t get breathless, I sweat only because I’m using all my elbow grease and I don’t hurt any part of my body other than my feet. Another reason is because it’s the only chore that gives me the freedom to think about things other than chores. My mind is free to wander away from the chore at hand onto other things as I stare out my window and sing ditties in my head. It’s also the only chore that none of the kids can easily get in my way with.

Yes, Carter tends to come over and stick his hands in the water a lot. And if I’m doing them when the older kids are home, they’re normally standing somewhere behind me talking or asking for something. But I’m in my impenetrable zone. They can’t walk through the pile of mess I’ve just made, they can’t insist on grabbing the broom and taking over, they can’t keep me chasing after them to get that piece of whatever away from me. They can be there, but not in my way.

I just hate cleaning and I hate how it seems so much harder than it should. I wish I could either a) be a domestic diva or b) hire someone to be it for me…


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The Older Sister/Younger Brother Fight


Something is up with Kenzie and Kaeidyn. No idea for sure exactly what just yet, but something for sure. Maybe it’s too much time together, since they walk to school alone together most mornings. But these last 2 days have been total hell with the two of them. They’re constantly arguing with each other or comparing each other (all, ‘Anything you can do, I can do better!”), Kenzie’s almost always in tears about whatever happens between the two of them and Kaeidyn is always on the absolute defensive.

Here I am, stuck in the middle, waving a white flag and screaming on the inside, “I surrender, I surrender!”.

I have absolutely no idea how to handle this. Today, as they burst through the door, almost immediately they started telling the tale of what happened on the walk home. Kenzie started and then Kaeidyn burst through the door, “No, it actually happened like…” and the second she said the first word, Kenzie began crying “No, that’s not” and she yelled, “Yes” and he yelled, “No!” and I yelled, “STOP!”

I called Kenzie to me and took him in my arms. I looked at Kaeidyn and told her to go make after school snacks while I dealt with Kenzie. She did, but insisted on inserting her two cents every time she disagreed with Kenzie. At first, I was mainly just trying to calm him down, not actually trying to get much detail from him. Then, when Kenzie was calm he went out to the kitchen to help Kaeidyn and she hurt him. They hadn’t been home for 5 minutes…

I immediately went out there and told her to stop making the food and talk to me for a second. “Why are you being like this towards Kenzie?” and she begins crying out her side of what happened on the walk home. “He kept telling me which way to go home and he wouldn’t listen to me, and that got me really upset at him, and I don’t like getting upset like that and then he starts crying, so I try to be nice to him and he just keeps saying no!” and through this whole thing she’s blubbering and shaking and turning the crimson color of her shirt. What do I say to that?!? She knows what the issue is, I have no idea how to solve it, so I went to talk to Kenzie.

He tells the story much calmer and almost exactly the same way, but reveals a detail that she’s conveniently left out. The whole situation started over her telling him that she was worried they were going to get lost, because it was the first day that they walked home from school (even though it’s the exact same way they walk to school), but he wasn’t concerned because he remembered the way. When he told her this, she continued on to tell him that they should turn around and go back to the school and call me to come pick them up. Let the argument previously described commence!

Kaeidyn

Kenzie

While I know that the problem is solved by picking them up from school and I know that’s what I’ll be doing the next half day, because on full days I go pick them up anyways because Keirnan can’t leave without a parent. But, it’s not just this argument. They’ve been this way towards each other for days now. Kaeidyn has never been worried about getting lost, even when I was worried that she would. Kenzie’s behavior is really no surprise but Kaeidyn’s is so out of whack for her. She’s not normally one to hit her brothers unless it’s in a playful way. Something’s up with that little girl.

And I have absolutely no idea how to figure out what’s going on with her, no idea how to help her through whatever it is, no idea how to deal with her bursts and tantrums and I’m absolutely confuddled by her attitude. I’m very lost…


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Yesterday Was a Fluke


Well, after the positive and productive day that I had yesterday, today has been less than that. I woke up this morning feeling dreadfully tired and the kids’ offered to walk themselves to school. I let them do that and they did a great job. No phone calls from the school and I saw Kenzie today when I dropped Keirnan off, having a great time with all his new school friends. But I felt like crap!

Then, it’s freaking freezing cold out. It’s 12 degrees but it feels much colder with all the wicked wind we’re having. It’s making me most grumpy of all. My hands hurt from the cold, my body feels like it’s constantly on shiver mode and it’s making me dread my walk to and from the school. I’m not looking forward to winter this year.

I need to kick The Boyfriend’s ass into gear about a few things around the house here and that’s making me more upset than usual. I just keep thinking back to the beginning of our relationship with his comments about “I’ve got a budget” and “I’ll take care of you“, to what we’re at now and I feel like I’m the force behind The boyfriend’s becoming crappy with their money, their goals, their everything! It took Alfie 4 years, but that guy’s starting to get his life on track now that he doesn’t have me and all my kids really in his life. The Boyfriend, doing all great and wonderful and then the kids and I come into his life and it seems like none of that was ever real.

We were supposed to go weeks ago to change my bank account to a joint account and shut down his account. It’s costing us a lot of money in fees running both accounts, and his are always WAY higher than mine, it’s hard for us to pay bills when I pay all of them online and his money isn’t directly coursing through there. But something always gets in the way of our perfect little plans. He was supposed to call the utilities and put my name on them so that I could talk to them, but he hasn’t. So when Telus called today and I tried telling them that we’ll be paying them off on Friday, they basically said that he’d have to call and tell them that. Which is just that much harder when unless someone is leaning on his shoulder reminding him, he can’t remember that stuff during his work day…

I’m stressing, if you can’t tell. I don’t know why I’m stressing, I just am. Today feels like a day full of pressure and I feel like again, all the weight is directly on my shoulders. Like if I make one tiny mistake the whole world will crash down around me. I don’t know why I do this to myself all the time. It’s like I can’t let myself just be happy or satisfied. I’m determined, apparently, to keep myself in the negatives and the horrible destruction and the bad ju-ju…


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Monday Ramblings


The lazy weekend was absolutely and exactly what I needed, apparently. This morning, I had no problems at all waking up even though I had woken up with The Boyfriend for a little bit before he went to work only 45 minutes earlier. I felt energized enough to walk all the way to the store after walking the kids to school to get myself a morning coffee. My mind feels alert and awake and all the cleaning that I didn’t do over the weekend is well on it’s way to being done and it’s only 10:30 in the morning!!

I’m so glad that today has been the way that it has been today. I went to bed last night fretting about all the things I neglected over the weekend and worrying about what would happen if I didn’t have the energy for any of it today and how I was going to force myself through it. As the great sex finished and the cuddling after had ended, as we rolled our separate ways, I stated, “Tomorrow, I am going to be energetic!” and for the first time in my life, I think I went to be on a positive thought instead of a negative one.

I wouldn’t say I slept any better or worse than I usually do after a good session of sex. I will definitely say that sleep comes much easier and feels much deeper, even if it’s a shorter sleep, after a good romping. Your body and mind is exhausted once you’re done, so you just give into the sleep better. Normally, I lay there wide awake for another hour at the very least, tossing and turning and thinking. But after sex, once we get comfy, I’m out in seconds. I don’t even notice I’m falling asleep, where usually I have to keep telling myself, “Keep your eyes closed, it’ll happen…”

I feel so good about life in general today. I stayed up late last night looking more into going back to school. I’ve discovered where I need to start, so that’s a really great thing. That’s normally my biggest problem with any goal that I’m trying to achieve. I have a hard time breaking down the steps into the baby ones and instead look at the bigger picture of things. I tend to do a lot of future planning and very little right-now planning. Half the time, I don’t even realize there should be steps to get to the bigger goal.

I’m also really loving these walks to the school 5 days a week. Normally by Thursday (or at least, this was the case last week, we’ll have to wait and see for this one), I absolutely despise the walking. But apparently a lazy weekend easily solves this issue. I’m loving getting the fresh air first thing in the morning and then throughout the day, I’m taking a lot of joy in seeing all the trees and bushes along our walk changing color with the season (even if it makes me dread the coming season). Fall has always been one of my favorite times of year. Everything looks so vibrant even though it’s dying. It’s an irony that always leaves me looking like a quizzical avatar. I have fun with the kids when we’re walking too, which is so rare these days that it’s incredibly welcome.

I’m feeling good about the cleaning too. Even though we let it slide a lot more than we should’ve this weekend, it’s not taking me long to get it done today. And my motivation with the cleaning is through the roof. While my sink was full of dishes almost all weekend, in 20 minutes I got that under control this morning. And the floor got swept over the weekend and will again today. Now, I just need to kick my ass to get the laundry under control. I’m doing a great job at getting rid of clothes that no longer fit now, but the ones I’m keeping still aren’t making it to a drawer. Something to work on!

Well, here’s to optimistic and totally productive Monday! Let’s just hope this continues for awhile. I like this a lot better than previous days emotions…