The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Distant Memories


 

This is just a straight up sad post…

The other night, The Boyfriend and I were talking about various things. At one point, I said, “I really want to go dancing at a nightclub” and he said, “You’ve got a better chance of getting laid!”. So of course, I jump straight to, “What about a better chance of getting a spanking?” and his response:

“Don’t Push It!”

Seriously?!? Don’t push it!

Have I not been complaining on this blog that I have been holding back as it is, HARDCORE! I hardly ever mention it to him now and when I do it’s in a completely joking manner and I make that obvious. I know that I’m not going to get it, but seriously?!? Why should I not “push it”? It’s not like when I do “push it” that I get anything out of that. Exactly the opposite, the more I push for it, the less likely I am to get it.

I’m sad that I promised myself after Alfie that I was going to get into a kinky relationship and escape this vanilla-ism. Then, The Boyfriend allowed me glimpses of what I could have, now that I was no longer in a vanilla relationship. For an entire year, we were exploring, we were experimenting, we were both having lots of horny fun. Unless he was seriously faking that entire time. I’m sad that here I am, years later, still in a vanilla relationship.

And I wish there was a way that I could talk him into it. It would be different if you didn’t see spanking in the vanilla world. If spanking was truly just a kinky thing, it would make sense to me that he wouldn’t be interested. It would make sense if at one time, he didn’t enjoy spanking. But he did and spanking appears everywhere in the vanilla world. Especially vanilla porn, which we’ve been watching a heck of a lot of. No complaints there!

Then, Taboo’s coming to town and it’s been on my sexual bucket list. And another year is going to pass where I don’t get to go, because it’s out of The Boyfriend’s comfort level or whatever like that. It’s just so disappointing. I am such a sexual person and I feel like I’m being sexually stunted everywhere I turn. From The Boyfriend’s lack of interest in anything outside of regular normal sex (and the occasional attempt at anal sex) to even my Mom saying that she doesn’t believe that I actually like spankings but more that I like the idea of them.

I call bullshit…

If I didn’t actually like spankings, then I wouldn’t want them all the time! I wouldn’t be thinking about them, when I should be thinking about other things, like my work. I wouldn’t be dreaming of them and I wouldn’t be so upset that I wasn’t getting them. And it’s not just spanking, even though that’s the only word I really use. But it’s impact play in general. It’s spanking, it’s cropping, it’s flogging and it’s a fantasy to be caned (though I’ve never even been close to that experience).

When I think about all the kinky things that I want to experience that I haven’t yet and that I won’t get to, it is almost debilitating the disappointment I feel. So much of my life, so many years, has been made up of the desire to have these things. And so many years has been made of disappointment and let down. I keep thinking that one day I will get it, but then I wonder from who, because it certainly won’t be The Boyfriend.

And it won’t be anyone else. He won’t share me (though I don’t mind that aspect – especially being that I only want to be hit by him) and I won’t leave him over this. Like I’ve said so many times before, outside of this one thing, we have such a great relationship. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a man and everything I didn’t know that I needed. He makes my life better just by being a part of it. How could I possibly give that up just because I’m not getting my kink on?

I’m just at a complete loss of what to do. I hate when the lack of kink starts making me depressed, because it doesn’t make any sense. I hate when I feel like I can’t function because I haven’t gotten the spanking or the flogging or the hair-pulling that I so badly desire. I hate when my day is filled with fantasizing about things that realistically speaking, might never be. I hate when that makes me so sad and I feel helpless to it. I hate when I feel like I have no control over my own sexuality.

Even though, I know full well that I do. I hold the power. But at what cost? 

To get what I want kink-wise, would mean that I would have to leave The Boyfriend and find a kinky person to play with on a semi-regular basis. Sounds like a simple thing, doesn’t it? It’s not! It’s not, especially when you love The Boyfriend and especially when you have 4 kids. I can’t even describe to you the amount of difficulty that that presents. And not a simple, “I can fix this” type of difficult, it’s such a complex, complicated, heart-wrenching, disaster type of diffuclt. Just thinking about how hard it would all be causes my heart to beat faster and my palms to sweat.

Sidenote:

I just realized that I’ve been relating my kink desires with my sexual desires a lot, and I don’t mean to do that in that way. I don’t think that you can only have kink if it’s somehow followed up by sex. I don’t think that all kinky acts lead to sexual acts or sexual arousal. I think it is absolutely possible to have a kinky relationship with someone without ever participating in any sexual activity – especially when your interests are the same as mine in this respect. 

This is the problem. The Boyfriend is the first guy that has not only treated me really well, but he also treats himself really well. I don’t have to mother him, and I don’t have to force him to keep his job and he takes care of himself (to a degree… It’s not like he’s cleanly or does his own laundry or anything like that, but he’s the first guy that I don’t feel like I have to remind to do any of that stuff or that I feel mad when I have to do it instead). He’s also the first relationship that I’ve had that isn’t explosive and dramatic and a scary rollercoaster ride. So, he’s the first guy that I really trust and that I feel absolutely safe with. He has brought out a whole side of myself that I didn’t even know existed.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, before The Boyfriend, I never considered touching submission. I knew that I liked being in control and I despised feeling in anyway vulnerable. From both the sexual and non-sexual perspectives, I was in all ways determined to be the dominant force in any relationship I’ve ever had, even when it was just friends. I was the boss, period. Then The Boyfriend and I started dating and I naturally fell into longing for him to take control and craving vulnerability. Especially in the bedroom! And he is naturally very good at playing the leader, though I have no idea if he feels that way. I know the idea of submission for himself, repulses him.

And then I got it for a bit. He took me there. We learnt together and we played together. Even if at the time, I didn’t look at it that way and even if at that time, I still complained that it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, we did have kink together. He made me feel vulnerable and I gave him the freedom to strip away my control – though I make it sound like it was some deep subspace-y experience, when really it only is in hindsight. But we had it. I had it. And now, that’s all that I have… A distant memory of what we once had.

And I am so scared that that is all I will ever have…

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Another Day…


It is incredibly warm in my house…

So, I haven’t been posting much lately. The moisture around here has made where my joints are all out of whack and I’ve been mostly laying on the bed complaining about all my pain. I’m sure it’s getting incredibly annoying to hear and I’m hoping that as we start to warm up here over the next couple of weeks, I’ll stop feeling so much knee and back pain.

In other news…

Well, really, there’s not that much of any. It’s been a pretty boring week around here honestly. We’ve done a little bit of cleaning here or there, though it seems like no matter how hard we work or how much we sweat, we barely make any sort of dent on the mess. The Boyfriend’s hours at work are all over the place right now, so that’s being a difficult adjustment to say the least. Not so much for him as it is for me…

The kids are all doing really great. We got Kaeidyn’s report card the other day and she’s mostly getting a B average, so I’m happy with that. She’s asked to start being allowed to walk home after school by herself, so that’s been interesting to say the least. I get to 3:30 before I start panicking about where she’s at. Then 5 – 10 minutes later she walks in the door and I feel so relieved. She’s been doing really great lately, especially with her attitude, which I’m finding that I have to correct less and less.

The boys are all just about the same. We’re trying to lessen the amount they’re on the games again, because it was getting a little out of control. When they were waking up in the morning talking about the dreams of Halo they had, or when every time they weren’t on a game they were playing video game-based games, like pretending they were characters in Halo. The topper of the cake was watching a video about video game addiction and this guy went and said, “I’ve fought in wars, I’ve raced cars at top speeds”, and I was like, “I can’t let that be my kid!!” It’s being a struggle to say the least.

It’s hard when they’re always asking for it and it gets really exhausting to just continue to say No over and over again. The Boyfriend hasn’t even been playing games all that much because he has such a hard time saying no to them when he’s playing, so to avoid it all together, he just rarely plays. It’s different and we’ll see how long it lasts this time.

Carter is starting to talk like crazy, which is exciting and frustrating all at the same time. My favorite thing that he says right now is, “3, 4, 5”. He refuses to acknowledge that there is a 1 and a 2, but 3, 4, 5 he’s got down pat. Now if only he’d start saying car instead of vroom vroom all the time. I’m glad that he’s learning at the rate that he is though, because it’s making it easier to figure out what he’s trying to say.

Other than that, there’s not too much new around here. Like I said, it’s been pretty boring around here, especially with all my sore laziness. How has your week been?

This post is intended for adults 18+


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All I Can Think About…


 

All day today, whenever I’ve had just a spare moment to think, I completely blank out and all I can think about is:

That’s Right!
Spanking!

I want it for fun, I want it for pleasure, I want it for punishment, I want it for pain, I want it for foreplay and I want it all the time! All I seem to keep going back to is having a nice bare hand come down on my firm bare ass. I long to feel my skin flinch beneath the force and I crave my moans of ecstacy.

I want to be made to bend this way and that, in whatever angle my ass looks most pleasing, and I want a succession of blows rained upon it. I want my cheeks to swell and pulse with the hot redness only bare hands can provide and I want to feel on fire with the passion that is gravitating towards my dampening lips.

I desperately want to be flung over his knee and pinned down as I struggle against the burning contact. I want him to pull my head back and gently slip his finger into me, before continuing to spank me, telling me that I’ve been a very dirty and yet still a very good girl. I want to be made to suck his cock as he continues to slap my bare behind, the skin scorching and my pussy frantically desiring him in it.

Even after a build up that feels as if it lasts forever, the sex begins and he steadily and rhythmically slaps my flesh, causing me to screech and flinch with every thrust. He slows down and slaps my ass harder and then thrusts faster and harder as sharper slaps fall on my flesh. I push against it, sweat dripping from my hair and no matter how hard he slaps, I still crave it harder and faster and rougher.

And of course, every time I think it, I also think, “This will never be my reality…”

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Reviewing Some Things…


 

Why is it that I suck so hard at completing the simplest of goals? You’d think I’d be talking about cleaning my house (which I’m sucking at as well, but isn’t the point of today’s post) or going to work every single day… But no! This is totally Sex Bucket List-related. How can I take these ideas that are in my head and make them work for my life?

Blogging about every sex session… I have wanted to do this for so long. So I put it on my 2012 Sex Bucket List and guess what…? I haven’t blogged about a sex session since before the new year. Which would make sense if my sex life was still sucking as much as it was a few months back, but it doesn’t. I can only remember one time in the last long while where I got to the point of not being able to stand the length anymore, and that was both of our faults, not just his. Darn us and our ability to stay up WAY too late!

But there have been some amazing times. Like my 3rd successful go at anal, which turned out really great. We both came, he was tender like he was the first time and it was honestly really nice. There’s also been nights when I’ve insisted on giving him head without getting anything in return and we haven’t had nights like that in forever. There have been a lot of really great experiences. So, why am I not writing about them?

Part of the problem is that we have sex right before bed. Literally, sex is over, smoke is had and now it’s time for sleep. So I don’t write about it when it’s all still fresh in my mind. Then normally, I work the next day and when you spend the next six hours focusing on mostly your work, it is incredibly difficult to remember much about the sex you had the night before, no matter how spectacular it was. You can never remember how it was exactly that you ended up getting into that awkward position and you can’t recall who came first or if you came at exactly the same moment. You can’t remember many other details about it that make writing about sexual experiences so fun, like what he smelt like or how the sweat latched onto his curly hair.

And then from both my sex bucket lists (1 & 2), I’ve got “Wear my Ben-Wa Balls”. I got two different sets of Ben-Wa Balls a few years back. When I opened them up, they were much smaller than I had imagined they would be and I’ve had 4 kids! I expect things to not be able to grip very easily (though I have no actual proof of this and I’ve never had anyone say anything to the effect – on the contrary), so I just assume that those balls have got to be too tiny for my pussy to hold onto. Then again, isn’t that the point.

So anyways, I want to learn more about if these things are too small and if I should get rid of them and find bigger ones. And I keep meaning to, but then I see all these numbers with these ones weighing this much and being of this diameter – and people, if I haven’t said it enough, I really SUCK at math. Do you know much about Ben-Wa Balls and how to use them? Leave me a comment!

All of my BDSM/Fetish stuff has completely escaped my mind and I’ve barely thought about it, in the sense of actually doing any of it. Sure, I still fantasize, but now it seriously and truly is just a fantasy. It’s no longer The Boyfriend I see holding or receiving the torture device, it is now a blurry image of what used to be a man. It’s no longer him watching on as I caress a blurry woman’s body, it is now just a blurry figure in a chair. When I fantasize, these things aren’t happening to me – they are now happening to the Russian woman who has long been a character in my dreams.

Ever since I was young, I remember having these dreams of a woman with very long black hair, dressed from head to toe in white fur – sometimes a black body stocking (though this is because, as I later discover, that she is an international spy) – and she’s always got this intense look on her face as she takes me on these wild adventures in my sleep, that often leave me waking with a case of the sweats. As I got older and older, this woman also became the woman of my fantasies – the character that played me, as it were, in the scenario. She is the ultimate of how I’d love to look, if I could choose those things at will.

She embodies the characteristics I believe every woman should have: strength, courage, confidence, sex appeal, dignity and all those other positive strong attributes, that I’m hoping you can imagine. She is also incredibly sexy in my perception of her and the second I see her defined cheekbones and those incredible eyes, I immediately feel overwhelmingly intrigued. I’ve only ever seen one woman in real life that came as close to amazing looking as the woman in my dreams/fantasies, but that could’ve been the lighting and the alcohol… Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see…

Anyways, the point is that my desire towards BDSM has somewhat diminished as I see it becoming less and less attainable for me. The Boyfriend has made it very loudly clear that he is not going to share, period. Doesn’t matter what the gender or sexual fetish is, doesn’t matter if there’s sex or no sex, he won’t even hear anything of ideas or concepts on how to make it work, before completely shutting me down. And I understand it, I’d probably be the exact same way. And honestly, the sharing thing has always been another thing that I never thought would truly come to fruition.

He’s also made it pretty clear that he has no interest in participating. Spanking is completely out of the question and he absolutely refuses to indulge me. It’s very rare that a sex toy even gets brought out anymore as I think he’d rather be the one giving the pleasure. I wonder if I’ve ever made him feel inferior or lacking in ability to pleasure me? I hope not, because he gives me a great amount of pleasure. Regardless of the lack of kink.

I’m not saying that I’m ready to give up, but I’m definitely not striving for it as hard as I have in my past. Maybe one day, the drive will come back to me, but right now it’s sadly on the back burner. Luckily, that’s not saying for sex altogether, just the kinky stuff. Vanilla sex, well I’ll be gunning for that 24/7 and I’m hoping, now that I’ve released this pent up piece of shit, that writing about vanilla sex will become a more frequent thing. So cross your fingers for me 😉


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My Punk Rock Playlist


Tonight, I’m travelling back to the year 2000-ish and rocking out with my cock out to some good ole fashioned punk rock. It started with a desire to listen to Against Me! after discovering a new band called fun. This has led me on a journey through Rancid, Anti-Flag, The Distillers, Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards, Choking Victim, Less Than Jake, and tons more!

I used to be so into punk music that I even had my own little zine called “It’s a Punk Rock Life” (I can’t believe this is still on the web! I warn you, it’s not very good ;). My phase lasted for about 4 years, where the only music I believed was good music was punk music. I had a mohawk, which I begged my mother for for months on end, I went to punk shows and skanked in the pit, and I even argued with The Distillers when it was rumored that they would be joining Warner Bros. Records via their forums…

So, here’s 20 of my favorite punk rock songs:

  1. Ruby Soho
    by Rancid
  2. Sound System
    by Operation Ivy
  3. Die for your Government
    by Anti-Flag
  4. Those Anarcho Punx Are Mysterious
    by Against Me!
  5. Look What Happened
    by Less Than Jake
  6. Crack Rock Steady
    by Choking Victim
  7. Gyspy Rose Lee
    by the Distillers
  8. Hollywood Babylon
    by the Misfits
  9. Exploited Barmy Army
    by The Exploited
  10. Big A, Little a
    by Crass
  11. Kill the Poor
    by Dead Kennedys
  12. I Fell Asleep on My Arm
    by The Aquabats
  13. Whoops, I Od’d
    by NOFX
  14. New Noise
    by Refused
  15. Fuck Authority
    by Pennywise
  16. Raise Your Voice!
    by Bad Religion
  17. Swing Life Away
    by Rise Against
  18. At least I’m not as sad as I used to be
    by fun.
  19. To Have or To Have Not
    by Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards
  20. This Town
    by Deviates

So there you have it, there’s some of what I’m listening to tonight. What are your favorite punk rock bands? What do you think was the best time period for punk rock? Have you ever seen the movie SLC Punk? If not, you should!


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Better Feeling Day


I am feeling much better today than I did yesterday. First, I got to sleep in a little bit this morning, even though the kids were up shortly after The Boyfriend went to work. But they were relatively good and just watched TV for the most part. When I woke up, I was not in a pissy mood like I have been lately when I’m waking up. Normally, until I get at least a few smokes in me, I’m just overly grumpy, but this morning I seemed to be fine.

The kids and I watched some TV together and then I did a load of dishes before making them lunch. And I was really glad to have gotten that load of dishes out of the way, because now the kitchen is back to half decent and I feel so much better about it. After The Boyfriend got home, I told him he had to take all the garbage out, including the huge pile of pizza boxes that had been piling up. Boy does it ever feel good to get that garbage out of here and two more loads of dishes got done, so now I’m down to one more big bowl to clean and some silverware and then dishes will be done!

The kids were also better today than they’ve been in quite a long time and I felt like we had some really cute moments together, like when Kenzie was trying to spell The Boyfriend’s name or when Kaeidyn was explaining email spam to the boys. The boys also fought way less roughly than they have been lately today, so that made the day that much easier to do, being that no one was crying or bleeding or anything like that.

The Boyfriend’s also been really attentive to this funk that I’ve been in, even though when I’m really deep in it, I hate it and resent him for it – or something like that. I felt angry at him a lot over these last few days, and today, being woken up this morning to kisses before he left for work, just made me realize that I really do love him so much and that he has really been amazing during this whole thing, even if I couldn’t see it or recognize it while it was happening. He’s still not perfect but being that this is probably the first funk that I’ve had in quite a long while, he did a really great job and I thank him for that.

I’ve gotten quite a bit done today on the computer, including writing a few more chapters of The Brighton Tales, though you probably won’t see those for a little bit yet. I’m always amazed with this story how far off it is from anything I’ve ever actually fantasized about, but how much it turns me on when I read it. And I have to say that for a woman whose never had much experience with gay sex, I write it pretty darn good, but that’s just my two cents worth. But I’m very impressed that I finally wrote more, since it’s been on my To Do List for so freaking long!

Other than that, my day has been mostly boring, but good nonetheless. How was your day?