The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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Take Care of Me

Yesterday ended up being much more of a challenge than I expected. I eventually gave up on keeping myself distracted from thinking, until it was the only thing I was thinking about. But instead of thinking about the actual situation at hand and thinking about solutions to our pending problem, I instead went into thinking about other things.

I can still remember the day so vividly. The Boyfriend and I had been dating for a few months, just shortly after we started to tell each we loved one another. We were driving in his car and he reached over and said something like “I’ll always take care of you” as his arm encircled my shoulders. While at the time, it barely even phased me, now it’s all I can think about.

For days now, I’ve been saying that with this particular situation, all of the responsibility (like everything else in my life) lands solely on my shoulders. I’ve let it be known that it is too much of a burden for me alone and that I feel very overwhelmed. I am desperately searching for someone to “take care of me” for once, because I’m so sick and tired of taking care of so many people.

And its not for lack of effort on his part. I mean, technically speaking, he is taking care of me right now. I’m not working, and while I still generate income into this family, it’s not anything like it was when I was working. He takes a big majority of the financial slack. So in that sense, yes, he’s taking care of me. But in the sense that I really want, I don’t think anybody ever can. It’s always just going to fall short for me.

Honestly, what I want to be “taken care of”, is for someone to just make all these decisions for me. Leave me out of it completely and just be like, “This is what we’re doing, this is how it’s going to work, and this is what you’re going to do!”. I want to hand my problems off to him and have him pick them up and put all the pieces together. Because I feel completely incapable of doing it myself.

I am just so stressed out and that is making me incredibly sad. I woke up this morning and the first thing I said to anyone was that this day sucked and then I started crying. Before I had even gotten up out of the bed. I hate mornings like that. It’s a horrible start to a day. It doesn’t make you feel good when you wake up and the day already blows. And it just seems like this feeling is going to continue for awhile and it’s going to make me feel worse and worse. And I am so scared that he’s not going to give me the emotional support I so obviously need.

I make him sound like such an ass, but it’s really not like that at all. He’s trying, in his way. And I bet that from his perspective, he’s trying really damn hard and I’m making it impossible. After so many years of living my emotions, I’ve kind of shut down that part. It takes me longer now to figure out what exactly I am feeling and contributing it to a cause. I have gotten bad for not even acknowledging that I have emotions until they absolutely consume me. That’s all he knows of me, is that reserve, if you will. So while he’s trying to get me to tell him what’s I’m thinking or feeling, and while he holds me constantly and hasn’t left my side in 2 days except to go to work, I still just tend to fell very alone.

I just wish that I didn’t have to worry anymore…

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Keeping Myself Distracted

Today’s mission is to keep myself distracted from thinking about my life too much. Things could not be doing all that much worse than they’re doing right now. And I’m trying not to think about it, because then I’ll stress. I’ll stress a lot. I wouldn’t say that I experience stress in the same way that a majority of the people I know deal with it. Instead, it is more consuming and feels so profound, and the stressful mood of one day can end up lasting weeks at a time. So I’m trying not to really think about it and instead, just doing what is necessary, without thoughts and emotions behind it.

So today’s mission is to come up with as many ways as possible to keep myself distracted, at least until The Boyfriend gets home from work. I’m starting my day off right, vegging out in front of the computer. I’ve had my morning coffee, I’ve joked at the news and now I’m letting the screen take me away to a hopefully productive place. After I’ve bored of the computer, I plan to clean the kitchen. It hasn’t been that many days since we last cleaned the kitchen, and the upstairs of our house is finally starting to look less like a disaster-zone and more like a lived-in space. The downstairs unfortunately is still a lot like World War 3…

It’s hard to believe that the four years at this place is swiftly coming to an end and it’s even harder to believe that I’m leaving this place with only a few more pieces of furniture than I came into it with. And that, in general, I’m leaving with less “stuff” than I came here with.  I’m excited about getting rid of so much of this junk. I’m definitely more excited about it than everyone else. They all  want to hold onto things and keep things. I guess I just stopped being sentimental about things awhile ago. Getting rid of things is nothing.

So here’s hoping that all goes well in the keeping myself distracted department for the next few hours… About seven of them!

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Boggled Down

It has not been a good couple of days these last few ones. First of all, they seem to be dragging on forever and yet they seem too short to get anything of value done in them. Second, it all seemed to be going fine for us and I was feeling confident and then in one day, one moment, that all just kind of blew up for me and now I’m in this perpetual funk that is being relentless.

I get fired from my job, but I don’t freak out about it, because I wanted to get a different job anyways. And I’ve been looking. I’m being sort of selective, because I really don’t want to work something that I’m going to end up hating and quit in a months time. I want to work somewhere that I could end up being for a year or more and not hate it every single day. I am absolutely positive there is a job out there like that for me. But it wasn’t the end of the world.

Then the other day, my landlord pulls up outside and gives us an eviction notice. And while I freaked out about it in that moment and I get upset about it when I think about it too hard, it’s still not giving me this “it’s the end of the world” feeling that I expect to be feeling, but it sure is bringing me down and out. I just keep thinking about how much stress it was on me last time looking for a place to live, and I had one less kid then…

Another big issue of mine (if that’s what we could call it…), is that yet again, I feel like I’m going to be doing it all alone. Even though The Boyfriend will be there when he can be, and I’m sure my Mom would be more than willing to help out (as she wants us out of this dump as much as we want out), I just feel like all of it still falls on my shoulders and it’s my responsibility and frankly, I’m just fed up with having to be the absolute most responsible one out of everyone. And I know I deserve it and earned it. It was my choice to have this many kids, it was my fault, I should handle the consequences, kind of deal.

But I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and I feel completely boggled down. And I feel like no one gives a rats ass about all that and instead just thinks, “Oh well, you made your bed, now lay in it”. And while it’s true, it just makes me feel more alone and more overwhelmed. I’d just like a break from having to be the one to deal with all of this stuff.

So needless to say, I haven’t been in all that great of a mood lately, I don’t think that’s going to change anytime in the near future. I’ve been mostly trying to sleep it off. The good news is though, that The Boyfriend and I have accomplished a great deal of cleaning over the last few days (more The Boyfriend than me) and I’m hoping it’ll just keep getting cleaner and cleaner. So, that’s my week in a nutshell. How’s yours been?

This post is intended for adults 18+

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PDF’s I’ve Read This Week…

I wouldn’t say that this is a common occurrence for me. I hardly ever look at PDF’s. Not because I don’t want to, I just don’t usually find too many of them. But for some reason, this week, I’ve stumbled across a great deal of them and have been reading my little heart out. And today, I’d love to share with you a few of the ones I’ve been looking over.

Raven’s Lair

The first bit of reading comes from Raven’s Lair. I’m surprised that I’ve never been to this site prior to this week, but I’m honestly really glad that I found it. I’m learning a lot from the two PDF’s I got from here. The first being the BDSM Interest Evaluation, which is much like other BDSM and fetish checklists that you may find around the web. There were a few things on this list that I thought would be nice to see on other lists.

The second PDF, which I’m still scouring for the best tips and tricks, is Crisis Intervention Training. I think a lot of folks who are newer to kink in general, forget that it is incredibly emotional, especially for the person submitting. It can be scary when you begin pushing limits and some of the play scenarios can trigger, as we learn in this PDF, “crisis situations”. While a big focus of this document is preventative measures that you can take to avoid these triggers, there is also a large portion focused on how to deal with these situations when/if you run into them.

Submissive Guide

Everyone knows that I’m a lover of Submissive Guide and have been for as long as I can remember… The site is a really great resource for anyone interested in submission and also for Dominant-types to really learn about the problems that face the modern-day sub. The site offers many quality eBooks, which are essentially extensions of the content you can already find on Submissive Guide, but are totally worth the read.

The first one I read is entitled “Wants and Needs” and walks you through the process of determining what it is you want as opposed to what it is you need from a D/s type of relationship. I love how interactive this particular document is, with the worksheets and exercises that really ask you to search yourself to become the best submissive you can possibly be, whether you’re in a relationship or not.

The second one I read is “Making Online Submission Work for You“. lunaKM’s relationship with her Master, was one of the first relationships I remember reading about where they met online and continued to an offline relationship. If I ever wanted to know anything about the world of online D/s, lunaKM is the resource I reach out to, because she really knows her stuff. And online relationships is something I’ve always been very curious about and incredibly skeptical of. Reading this eBook answers a lot of the really important questions that some may be having about online submission and also gives you some ideas for once you’ve taken it past that first conversation.

Guild of the Black Pearl

Now, don’t ask me too much about this next one here, because I’m still researching and can’t tell you very much. I just discovered this interesting (and kind of repetitive) gem yesterday. The Code d’Odalisque. I was researching “The History of the Dildo” for another post (my research is not going well…) and ran across this blog describing The Code d’Ode (as they say…) and switched from researching about dildos to researching about this “non-violent cockslave role-play”.

While I am not “required” or “forced” to do it, I would definitely consider myself a bit of a cockasseur, if you will. And, like the motto of your average Odalisque, J’adore le phallus! Almost every night before bed, you’ll find me with my hands all up in his junk, and while eventually I plan to switch into sexy mode and try to get him turned on, for the most part, I’m just admiring the package I’m playing with. I would, at the heart of it, say that I worship cock completely – even if I resent it a little bit. So, I was intrigued by this manual and determined to read it with an open mind.

I did and like I said, it was repetitive. A lot of the same stuff over and over again. It says that it’s meant to be written in a quasi-legal form, so that must be the purpose of the rambling. But I was most definitely interested in incorporating some of the ideas from this manual into my eventual (hopefully) kinky lifestyle.

So there’s the few PDF’s I’ve been reading this week. Do you ever read PDF’s? Which ones are your favorite and why?

This post is intended for adults 18+


Apparently, I Have Strong Opinions About This…

So, I learnt something very new about myself today. I was checking my CollarMe, as usual, when I got a message about squirting. I proclaimed that I’ve never been able to squirt and the sender responded with:

“all woman can, it is a matter of you being relaxed and also the time of the month. “

And apparently, this statement really pissed me off. I responded:

“And you can’t say that ALL women can, that is a mass generalization about a very intricate and complex gender. Some women can’t – it has nothing to do with being relaxed or properly stimulated, though I do agree that those are big factors for the women who can.

It’s just not as simple as the caveman theory that, ‘You are woman! You can squirt!'”

His response to this was that women should start drinking and smoking weed, because it will lower your inhibitions. But again, I pointed out that this was a pretty mass generalization and couldn’t be taken seriously when applied to every woman. Not every woman CAN squirt. Sure, we’ve all got a g-spot and we all have the potential to be able to ejaculate, but just because one woman can does not mean that another woman will be able to and sometimes, that has nothing to do with your inhibitions. But his response to this, is the one that drives me over the edge…

This is officially the meanest I’ve ever been in a reply to somebody:

“This last message you sent me makes you sound like a misogynistic pig, to be quite honest. First of all, I’ve done TONS of research on female ejaculation and I’m a strong believer that SOME woman can learn to do this. I also know the facts because it is an interest of mine and I have always wanted to know how to squirt.

But just because you’ve made a couple girls squirt, does not mean you can make every girl squirt. And frankly, with your attitude, I wouldn’t let you near my g-spot. I’d be afraid you’d disrespect it with your “knowledge”!

Divorcing your wife over a thing such as squirting is immature and irrational! I honestly can’t believe you just said that. I mean, I believe that you absolutely did not mean it and there must’ve been a thousand other issues in your relationship – probably mostly that you were an asshole!

And if a woman is actually a Dominant woman, she would not suddenly become submissive to you just because you made her squirt. It don’t work like that when you’re a real Dominant woman…

I think maybe you should Google women and read the literature and figure out that you can’t just fit us all into your squirting box and expect us to start spouting out cum for you!”

I’m just saying – not all girls CAN do this! There’s nothing wrong with the ones who can’t. I’ll leave you with the words of Laci Green, my favorite Sexpert: