The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Take Care of Me


Yesterday ended up being much more of a challenge than I expected. I eventually gave up on keeping myself distracted from thinking, until it was the only thing I was thinking about. But instead of thinking about the actual situation at hand and thinking about solutions to our pending problem, I instead went into thinking about other things.

I can still remember the day so vividly. The Boyfriend and I had been dating for a few months, just shortly after we started to tell each we loved one another. We were driving in his car and he reached over and said something like “I’ll always take care of you” as his arm encircled my shoulders. While at the time, it barely even phased me, now it’s all I can think about.

For days now, I’ve been saying that with this particular situation, all of the responsibility (like everything else in my life) lands solely on my shoulders. I’ve let it be known that it is too much of a burden for me alone and that I feel very overwhelmed. I am desperately searching for someone to “take care of me” for once, because I’m so sick and tired of taking care of so many people.

And its not for lack of effort on his part. I mean, technically speaking, he is taking care of me right now. I’m not working, and while I still generate income into this family, it’s not anything like it was when I was working. He takes a big majority of the financial slack. So in that sense, yes, he’s taking care of me. But in the sense that I really want, I don’t think anybody ever can. It’s always just going to fall short for me.

Honestly, what I want to be “taken care of”, is for someone to just make all these decisions for me. Leave me out of it completely and just be like, “This is what we’re doing, this is how it’s going to work, and this is what you’re going to do!”. I want to hand my problems off to him and have him pick them up and put all the pieces together. Because I feel completely incapable of doing it myself.

I am just so stressed out and that is making me incredibly sad. I woke up this morning and the first thing I said to anyone was that this day sucked and then I started crying. Before I had even gotten up out of the bed. I hate mornings like that. It’s a horrible start to a day. It doesn’t make you feel good when you wake up and the day already blows. And it just seems like this feeling is going to continue for awhile and it’s going to make me feel worse and worse. And I am so scared that he’s not going to give me the emotional support I so obviously need.

I make him sound like such an ass, but it’s really not like that at all. He’s trying, in his way. And I bet that from his perspective, he’s trying really damn hard and I’m making it impossible. After so many years of living my emotions, I’ve kind of shut down that part. It takes me longer now to figure out what exactly I am feeling and contributing it to a cause. I have gotten bad for not even acknowledging that I have emotions until they absolutely consume me. That’s all he knows of me, is that reserve, if you will. So while he’s trying to get me to tell him what’s I’m thinking or feeling, and while he holds me constantly and hasn’t left my side in 2 days except to go to work, I still just tend to fell very alone.

I just wish that I didn’t have to worry anymore…


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Keeping Myself Distracted


Today’s mission is to keep myself distracted from thinking about my life too much. Things could not be doing all that much worse than they’re doing right now. And I’m trying not to think about it, because then I’ll stress. I’ll stress a lot. I wouldn’t say that I experience stress in the same way that a majority of the people I know deal with it. Instead, it is more consuming and feels so profound, and the stressful mood of one day can end up lasting weeks at a time. So I’m trying not to really think about it and instead, just doing what is necessary, without thoughts and emotions behind it.

So today’s mission is to come up with as many ways as possible to keep myself distracted, at least until The Boyfriend gets home from work. I’m starting my day off right, vegging out in front of the computer. I’ve had my morning coffee, I’ve joked at the news and now I’m letting the screen take me away to a hopefully productive place. After I’ve bored of the computer, I plan to clean the kitchen. It hasn’t been that many days since we last cleaned the kitchen, and the upstairs of our house is finally starting to look less like a disaster-zone and more like a lived-in space. The downstairs unfortunately is still a lot like World War 3…

It’s hard to believe that the four years at this place is swiftly coming to an end and it’s even harder to believe that I’m leaving this place with only a few more pieces of furniture than I came into it with. And that, in general, I’m leaving with less “stuff” than I came here with.  I’m excited about getting rid of so much of this junk. I’m definitely more excited about it than everyone else. They all  want to hold onto things and keep things. I guess I just stopped being sentimental about things awhile ago. Getting rid of things is nothing.

So here’s hoping that all goes well in the keeping myself distracted department for the next few hours… About seven of them!


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Boggled Down


It has not been a good couple of days these last few ones. First of all, they seem to be dragging on forever and yet they seem too short to get anything of value done in them. Second, it all seemed to be going fine for us and I was feeling confident and then in one day, one moment, that all just kind of blew up for me and now I’m in this perpetual funk that is being relentless.

I get fired from my job, but I don’t freak out about it, because I wanted to get a different job anyways. And I’ve been looking. I’m being sort of selective, because I really don’t want to work something that I’m going to end up hating and quit in a months time. I want to work somewhere that I could end up being for a year or more and not hate it every single day. I am absolutely positive there is a job out there like that for me. But it wasn’t the end of the world.

Then the other day, my landlord pulls up outside and gives us an eviction notice. And while I freaked out about it in that moment and I get upset about it when I think about it too hard, it’s still not giving me this “it’s the end of the world” feeling that I expect to be feeling, but it sure is bringing me down and out. I just keep thinking about how much stress it was on me last time looking for a place to live, and I had one less kid then…

Another big issue of mine (if that’s what we could call it…), is that yet again, I feel like I’m going to be doing it all alone. Even though The Boyfriend will be there when he can be, and I’m sure my Mom would be more than willing to help out (as she wants us out of this dump as much as we want out), I just feel like all of it still falls on my shoulders and it’s my responsibility and frankly, I’m just fed up with having to be the absolute most responsible one out of everyone. And I know I deserve it and earned it. It was my choice to have this many kids, it was my fault, I should handle the consequences, kind of deal.

But I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and I feel completely boggled down. And I feel like no one gives a rats ass about all that and instead just thinks, “Oh well, you made your bed, now lay in it”. And while it’s true, it just makes me feel more alone and more overwhelmed. I’d just like a break from having to be the one to deal with all of this stuff.

So needless to say, I haven’t been in all that great of a mood lately, I don’t think that’s going to change anytime in the near future. I’ve been mostly trying to sleep it off. The good news is though, that The Boyfriend and I have accomplished a great deal of cleaning over the last few days (more The Boyfriend than me) and I’m hoping it’ll just keep getting cleaner and cleaner. So, that’s my week in a nutshell. How’s yours been?

This post is intended for adults 18+


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PDF’s I’ve Read This Week…


I wouldn’t say that this is a common occurrence for me. I hardly ever look at PDF’s. Not because I don’t want to, I just don’t usually find too many of them. But for some reason, this week, I’ve stumbled across a great deal of them and have been reading my little heart out. And today, I’d love to share with you a few of the ones I’ve been looking over.

Raven’s Lair

The first bit of reading comes from Raven’s Lair. I’m surprised that I’ve never been to this site prior to this week, but I’m honestly really glad that I found it. I’m learning a lot from the two PDF’s I got from here. The first being the BDSM Interest Evaluation, which is much like other BDSM and fetish checklists that you may find around the web. There were a few things on this list that I thought would be nice to see on other lists.

The second PDF, which I’m still scouring for the best tips and tricks, is Crisis Intervention Training. I think a lot of folks who are newer to kink in general, forget that it is incredibly emotional, especially for the person submitting. It can be scary when you begin pushing limits and some of the play scenarios can trigger, as we learn in this PDF, “crisis situations”. While a big focus of this document is preventative measures that you can take to avoid these triggers, there is also a large portion focused on how to deal with these situations when/if you run into them.

Submissive Guide

Everyone knows that I’m a lover of Submissive Guide and have been for as long as I can remember… The site is a really great resource for anyone interested in submission and also for Dominant-types to really learn about the problems that face the modern-day sub. The site offers many quality eBooks, which are essentially extensions of the content you can already find on Submissive Guide, but are totally worth the read.

The first one I read is entitled “Wants and Needs” and walks you through the process of determining what it is you want as opposed to what it is you need from a D/s type of relationship. I love how interactive this particular document is, with the worksheets and exercises that really ask you to search yourself to become the best submissive you can possibly be, whether you’re in a relationship or not.

The second one I read is “Making Online Submission Work for You“. lunaKM’s relationship with her Master, was one of the first relationships I remember reading about where they met online and continued to an offline relationship. If I ever wanted to know anything about the world of online D/s, lunaKM is the resource I reach out to, because she really knows her stuff. And online relationships is something I’ve always been very curious about and incredibly skeptical of. Reading this eBook answers a lot of the really important questions that some may be having about online submission and also gives you some ideas for once you’ve taken it past that first conversation.

Guild of the Black Pearl

Now, don’t ask me too much about this next one here, because I’m still researching and can’t tell you very much. I just discovered this interesting (and kind of repetitive) gem yesterday. The Code d’Odalisque. I was researching “The History of the Dildo” for another post (my research is not going well…) and ran across this blog describing The Code d’Ode (as they say…) and switched from researching about dildos to researching about this “non-violent cockslave role-play”.

While I am not “required” or “forced” to do it, I would definitely consider myself a bit of a cockasseur, if you will. And, like the motto of your average Odalisque, J’adore le phallus! Almost every night before bed, you’ll find me with my hands all up in his junk, and while eventually I plan to switch into sexy mode and try to get him turned on, for the most part, I’m just admiring the package I’m playing with. I would, at the heart of it, say that I worship cock completely – even if I resent it a little bit. So, I was intrigued by this manual and determined to read it with an open mind.

I did and like I said, it was repetitive. A lot of the same stuff over and over again. It says that it’s meant to be written in a quasi-legal form, so that must be the purpose of the rambling. But I was most definitely interested in incorporating some of the ideas from this manual into my eventual (hopefully) kinky lifestyle.

So there’s the few PDF’s I’ve been reading this week. Do you ever read PDF’s? Which ones are your favorite and why?

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Apparently, I Have Strong Opinions About This…


So, I learnt something very new about myself today. I was checking my CollarMe, as usual, when I got a message about squirting. I proclaimed that I’ve never been able to squirt and the sender responded with:

“all woman can, it is a matter of you being relaxed and also the time of the month. “

And apparently, this statement really pissed me off. I responded:

“And you can’t say that ALL women can, that is a mass generalization about a very intricate and complex gender. Some women can’t – it has nothing to do with being relaxed or properly stimulated, though I do agree that those are big factors for the women who can.

It’s just not as simple as the caveman theory that, ‘You are woman! You can squirt!'”

His response to this was that women should start drinking and smoking weed, because it will lower your inhibitions. But again, I pointed out that this was a pretty mass generalization and couldn’t be taken seriously when applied to every woman. Not every woman CAN squirt. Sure, we’ve all got a g-spot and we all have the potential to be able to ejaculate, but just because one woman can does not mean that another woman will be able to and sometimes, that has nothing to do with your inhibitions. But his response to this, is the one that drives me over the edge…

This is officially the meanest I’ve ever been in a reply to somebody:

“This last message you sent me makes you sound like a misogynistic pig, to be quite honest. First of all, I’ve done TONS of research on female ejaculation and I’m a strong believer that SOME woman can learn to do this. I also know the facts because it is an interest of mine and I have always wanted to know how to squirt.

But just because you’ve made a couple girls squirt, does not mean you can make every girl squirt. And frankly, with your attitude, I wouldn’t let you near my g-spot. I’d be afraid you’d disrespect it with your “knowledge”!

Divorcing your wife over a thing such as squirting is immature and irrational! I honestly can’t believe you just said that. I mean, I believe that you absolutely did not mean it and there must’ve been a thousand other issues in your relationship – probably mostly that you were an asshole!

And if a woman is actually a Dominant woman, she would not suddenly become submissive to you just because you made her squirt. It don’t work like that when you’re a real Dominant woman…

I think maybe you should Google women and read the literature and figure out that you can’t just fit us all into your squirting box and expect us to start spouting out cum for you!”

I’m just saying – not all girls CAN do this! There’s nothing wrong with the ones who can’t. I’ll leave you with the words of Laci Green, my favorite Sexpert:

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Bittersweet Relief


 

Last night was absolutely bittersweet. On one hand, the 3-hour-long sex session was out of this world! On the other hand, the tired discussion afterwards, sucked hardcore… And surprisingly, I wasn’t disappointed by it. I was, in that instant, relieved to finally know for sure. Today, I kind of have no feelings towards it. Probably a hardcore case of denial, also known as, watch for the pending doom…

So, the 3-hour-long sex session began after I watched a few movies on Netflix. The last one I watched was Public Sex, which is essentially about Dogging. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this movie to much of anyone, because I didn’t think it was that great. In every area that I thought it would be really great, and for every time that they built up to something great, it just kind of fell short. But I wasn’t expecting greatness going into it, so it wasn’t a surprise. The movie did little in the way of getting me turned on, but it definitely gave me a craving to watch porn.

Which almost seems like it’s now become “a part” of The Boyfriend and I’s sex routine. I don’t know if I can remember the last time we had sex without having porn on. And, it’s not normally him who initiates this at all. I mean, I guess a few of those times. But for the most part, I turn it on without even asking. Then, we go through and laugh at all the various funny titles and usually pick together the one’s we’d like to watch. Last night was a little bit different, because at first, I picked what I wanted to watch without letting him have a say and then I made him pick one without me having a say.

This time was also different, because I pointed out everything in every video that I really liked. Of course, during all of these videos, we’re not just watching. We’re playing or fucking or sucking, normally both of us holding off on cumming until the very end. I’m going to call that whole thing playing, the building up to orgasm. So normally, when we’re playing, he tends to not pay much attention to the porn. Every once and awhile we’ll both glance over for a moment, or we’ll watch it during one of our smoke breaks, but once we’re place the basic foreplay and have delved into playing, we’re normally pretty involved in what we’re doing. But last night, I asked him to stay watching the porn for some of my favorite things and things I’d really like to try, like squirting during double penetration and eating a girl out in front of him without him being allowed to touch. There wasn’t much said on his part, but it definitely didn’t put a damper on any sexual activity.

By the time he put his chosen porn on, it hardly got watched. We talked about the girls’ skirt and which one he’d prefer on me and which one I’d prefer on me, and then the porn hardly got paid attention to at all. I don’t know if this is a new interest of his or if he’s always had an interest in girl-on-girl strap-on sex, but he’s showing off that interest a lot more recently. I’ve never really been into girl-on-girl strap-on sex, though I’ve never hated it either. I wouldn’t pick it out of a group of videos, but I wouldn’t turn it off if it was put on, if that makes sense.

Moments later, we were cuddling, coming down from equally amazing and surprisingly sudden orgasms that neither of us thought were going to happen when they did. Of course, this was the first thing we discussed during our post-sex discussion ritual. Then, we recounted our favorite moments and the things to include in future sessions, like we always do. And then, as I was caressing his finger tips and forearms, I told him that I had something to ask him, but didn’t want him to take it the wrong way.

You could feel his entire body tense, dreading the question to come. Before I thought more about asking the question, dreading the answer that may follow, I quickly dived and gently thread the words together, “Do you think there is ever a chance that we will be on the same page sexually?”. I’m not even sure that he hesitated before answering, “No, but I’m worried about saying that.”

At first, I felt this extreme disappointment wash over me and it was hastily followed with this sudden relief, because at least now I know. I know that all my dreaming, while with him, is pointless. It’s a relief because I can now stop thinking that there might be a chance that one day in the future he may spank me. And when I asked why he was worried, his response was, “Because, I’m worried you’ll say ‘Then, what’s the point!’ and I don’t want that.” and I said that I don’t want that either. Because I don’t.

I’ve always said that I don’t want to break things off with him over a sexual thing like this, when I know there are ways for us to get around this. For both of us, to some degree, get what we want and be happy. If some other area of our relationship were bad, then it’d be different and my thoughts would be something other than what they are. But it’s not like that for us. Every area of our relationship is really great, that ruining it just because he can’t fulfill my kinks, makes absolutely no sense. The vanilla sex is really good, the communication between us is good, the feelings we have for each other are strong and real and important. I can’t see tossing all that away to just have a chance at getting into a kinky relationship, that may or may not be as fulfilling and satisfying as this relationship.

I wanted to talk more. I wanted to ask more questions and be the eager beaver that I normally am when it comes to these things. But instead, I stepped back from the experience that I was in and am now beginning to think about how I plan to progress from here. And honestly, that part worries me the most. What am I going to do with this information? Today, I feel like I could care less about it. I’m writing this post because I feel it’s necessary, not because I’m actually actively thinking about the situation. I seem to be rather unbiased about it right now and I’m convinced that’s my version of denial.

I foresee my future emotions, over the next coming days and weeks. I see bitterness, sadness, acceptance, anger, obsession, complacency, hope, maybe even humor. I foresee many more attempts at many more unsuccessful and discouraging conversations. I foresee some irrationality on my part and some stress on his. I foresee an inconsistent wave of blog posts coming up when I really start thinking about the conversation and I see me spending more time than I’d like, thinking about this…

For now, I’m going to focus on today…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Cannot Speak Now…


Shh!

Shh! (Photo credit: Katie Spence)

I know it’s been a few days since I posted here last, and I’m surprised about that. I figured since we didn’t have the internet for awhile there, and I was on such a roll prior to that interruption, I just figured it would be get the internet back and couldn’t help but post multiple times a day. On one hand, this isn’t altogether false. I’ve written an entry at least once every day for the last few days, twice a couple of the days. But I haven’t published them. They sit there half done in my drafts folder, awaiting an ending.

There has been a partial reason for this. It’s not something I feel comfortable talking about in this forum yet, as I’m very gently and a little uncautiously dipping my toes into it. It’s not even something I really feel comfortable admitting to myself as happening. But it has taken my mind almost completely off of blogging-related matters and plastered it on researching yet another new interest of mine…Orgasm Control/Denial and Edging

If you know about my kinky interests, I have long been interested in both these aspects, just never had a venue to act them out. At least, not seriously anyways. I’ve always thought it would be fun to tell a guy that he’s not allowed to touch himself without my approval. I think it would be sexy to make him wear a chastity device with MY lock on it and have him constantly beg for my permission to cum. The whole concept of it is incredibly erotic for me. Being in control of his sexual release. Making where he can’t cum for days or even weeks on end. Even better, to keep building him up everyday as if he’s going to get release, and then deny him.

So today, I sit here with over 20 tabs open, all discussing orgasm denial and control, and let me tell you – I am learning things! I am coming up with ideas and I am truly excited. And, I feel like I am getting ahead of myself…

This thing that I cannot speak of, has kind of consumed me in a way that I wasn’t expecting.

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Take the Helm


I am quickly becoming more and more dissatisfied with my sex life, even though I am having more sex now than I have in years. We are back up to regularly having sex every 2-3 days, which is just perfect for us with the 4 kids and his job… And while the sex itself, has been nothing short of amazing, it’s absolutely not the sex that I want to be having. Our sexual interests right now are like splitting cells.

I’m going this way and he’s going that way and even though we somehow meet back in the middle during sex, afterwards I just feel like we’re going separate ways. I’m never going to get what I want, he’s never going to get what he wants and we’re both going to end up resenting each other for it.

Last night, after a nice and quick shower together, I decide I want to give him head. That part was wonderful. I was having fun playing and teasing, he was having fun trying to keep my hair out of my face, it was all good. Then, I ask what he wants and right away he jumps to anal. I automatically said no, and for the first time ever, instead of just taking my no as a serious no the first time, I had to say it two more times before it was dropped. And while it was very playful, it pissed me off.

Why can’t I get with guys that share my sexual interests? Why must I keep getting with guys who have an obsession with something that I don’t want to incorporate in my sex life – at least, not with me on the receiving end of it. I’m not a huge fan of anal sex. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable, patiently awaiting the moment when it might feel good. Which sometimes never happens. I tried it my required three times and decided it wasn’t for me, that I was never going to be the anal whore I once dreamed of. And I’m okay with that. But apparently it’s not good enough to have my vag and my mouth to fuck…

And I’m supposed to offer up my ass for anal, but I can’t even mention spankings? I can’t even get one…

So we finish with head. I guess he figured since we weren’t having anal and I wasn’t actively pursuing sex, that that’s how I wanted him to cum. So instead of letting me continue on with my playing and teasing, he grabs my head and now the game is really on. I can tell the second he’s getting ready to cum, because of the way that he grabs my head. It never bothers me, I actually find it to be incredibly sexy. I’ve always liked that he will guide me directly the way he wants me during sexual activity – always in control.

As usual, after the orgasm is done, we discuss what we liked and didn’t like. We try to communicate as much as possible, so that every sex session just keeps getting better. So last night, he said something along the lines of… “Once I’m ready to cum, I kind of take the helm”, and I quickly interjected, “Yeah, what’s with that? Why can’t you ever just let me make you cum, without you working for it too?” and all he did was cover his lips with a finger and shushed me.

I kept replaying all the times he’s said to me, “One day, I’m going to have to see if you can make me cum like that”, often referring to the muscle clenching that I tend to do a lot of during sex, without meaning to more often than not. But there’s been numerous times that he’s said it, for a variety of the ways that I have sex. But he never lets me do the work of actually bringing him to orgasm. Once he reaches that point, he takes over and I normally let him because it feels good. But the shushing, the lack of willingness to talk about whatever reasons might be behind this, just made me really uncomfortable. I expressed this to him. Not to the degree that I was feeling it, but I didn’t want to completely ruin a totally great head session with my emotional drama…

I made it known that I was not happy with the shushing or the lack of communication about this new discovery. I had, up to this point, figured that it was probably some bodily reaction that he couldn’t exactly help. I know personally, when I’m about to cum, I’ll hold my breath. And it’s not something I have control over, it’s just what happens. So I had figured that that was just the way his body responded to a close orgasm. But this “take the helm” comment, means that it’s not some involuntary reaction of his body but instead a thought-out action. An action with some sort of reasoning behind it.

The worst part of it though, is that I was upset by the way the night had turned out. I was slightly mad by the suggestion of anal, I was slightly upset by the lack of communication, I was saddened by the discovery itself. So even though, I don’t completely understand why I said no to it all, I didn’t want to cuddle, I didn’t want to kiss, I just wanted to roll over and go to sleep. But I hate when I make it known that I’m upset about something, and I act like I’m upset about it, and instead of being comforting and trying to really discover what’s wrong, he just gives into me.

So instead of trying to cuddle with me last night, instead of trying for kisses, he just rolled over his own way and went to sleep. Instead of being even slightly interested in the chance of me having an orgasm, he just rolled over and went to sleep. I’m sick of being punished in this way, when I’ve done nothing wrong. This “ignore-her-until-she-gets-over-it” kind of way… It makes it seem like my thoughts and feelings don’t really matter. Even when I do go on full out ragers about my stupid emotions, I speak to a brick wall of silence.

I just feel like I’m giving a lot of myself and not getting much back in return sometimes…