Yesterday ended up being much more of a challenge than I expected. I eventually gave up on keeping myself distracted from thinking, until it was the only thing I was thinking about. But instead of thinking about the actual situation at hand and thinking about solutions to our pending problem, I instead went into thinking about other things.
I can still remember the day so vividly. The Boyfriend and I had been dating for a few months, just shortly after we started to tell each we loved one another. We were driving in his car and he reached over and said something like “I’ll always take care of you” as his arm encircled my shoulders. While at the time, it barely even phased me, now it’s all I can think about.
For days now, I’ve been saying that with this particular situation, all of the responsibility (like everything else in my life) lands solely on my shoulders. I’ve let it be known that it is too much of a burden for me alone and that I feel very overwhelmed. I am desperately searching for someone to “take care of me” for once, because I’m so sick and tired of taking care of so many people.
And its not for lack of effort on his part. I mean, technically speaking, he is taking care of me right now. I’m not working, and while I still generate income into this family, it’s not anything like it was when I was working. He takes a big majority of the financial slack. So in that sense, yes, he’s taking care of me. But in the sense that I really want, I don’t think anybody ever can. It’s always just going to fall short for me.
Honestly, what I want to be “taken care of”, is for someone to just make all these decisions for me. Leave me out of it completely and just be like, “This is what we’re doing, this is how it’s going to work, and this is what you’re going to do!”. I want to hand my problems off to him and have him pick them up and put all the pieces together. Because I feel completely incapable of doing it myself.
I am just so stressed out and that is making me incredibly sad. I woke up this morning and the first thing I said to anyone was that this day sucked and then I started crying. Before I had even gotten up out of the bed. I hate mornings like that. It’s a horrible start to a day. It doesn’t make you feel good when you wake up and the day already blows. And it just seems like this feeling is going to continue for awhile and it’s going to make me feel worse and worse. And I am so scared that he’s not going to give me the emotional support I so obviously need.
I make him sound like such an ass, but it’s really not like that at all. He’s trying, in his way. And I bet that from his perspective, he’s trying really damn hard and I’m making it impossible. After so many years of living my emotions, I’ve kind of shut down that part. It takes me longer now to figure out what exactly I am feeling and contributing it to a cause. I have gotten bad for not even acknowledging that I have emotions until they absolutely consume me. That’s all he knows of me, is that reserve, if you will. So while he’s trying to get me to tell him what’s I’m thinking or feeling, and while he holds me constantly and hasn’t left my side in 2 days except to go to work, I still just tend to fell very alone.
I just wish that I didn’t have to worry anymore…