In the previous post, I finished off with:
“Don’t get me wrong in anyway. I love The Boyfriend in a more deep and profound way than I think I’ve ever loved anyone. I have never experienced such a wonderful and amazing relationship that I believe is strong and stable in every single way possible. I never look at him and think “Oh my god, I wish this relationship would just end already” and I have not thought once about breaking anything off with him. On the contrary. I’ve been thinking heavily about spending the rest of my life with this man and how for the first time in my life, I seriously cannot wait to be married. I cannot wait to have him propose to me, I cannot wait to wake up to his face every single morning for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to grow old together. I really do love him so much.”
With all of what I said in the last post, I just find that every single time that I do anything to show my love for The Boyfriend, I’m often stopped dead in my tracks thinking and analyzing and it sends me into a spiral of general blahness. What am I thinking and analyzing about? Well mostly, I’m thinking about how I have completely neglected and even turned off my desires almost, because he’s not interested. And while I basically just ignored that for a really long time, the desire has come back and it’s come back with a vengeance The worst part is, I didn’t even ignore it, I sincerely believed that I could control my desires and I sincerely believed that I could suppress them until he was ready to be interested again.
Then, I realized that it’s been well over two years since I last had a spanking, and the kinkiest thing we’ve done in that two years is have anal sex or maybe the fisting (although it didn’t feel kinky while we were doing it…). I was shocked and appalled. Two freaking years! You’ve gotta be kidding me?!? And for two years, I have not been my (as Dr. Gloria Brame would put it) “Authentic Sexual Self“. I haven’t even been close to it. I’ve forced myself to enjoy over and over again the same ole vanilla sex and I’ve convinced myself that any vanilla sex is better than no kinky sex. And none of these thoughts are as bad as the one that stops me dead in my tracks every single time:
Why can’t he just compromise?
Okay, so you’re not comfortable with 24/7 total power exchange, and you’re not comfortable with the rewards and punishments. Fine. But is it so hard to just every once and awhile, agree to spank me? Is it so hard even to just every once and awhile be a little bit rougher with my breasts? And maybe I’m the only one who does it. I mean, I don’t really like anal sex all that much and yet I still do it because I know he really enjoys it and desires it. And strictly because of how much he enjoys it, I end up walking away from anal sex most of the time with an orgasm. It’s a win-win situation. Do I do it because I want to be having anal sex? No! I do it because he wants to be having anal sex and I don’t mind doing it for him. Again, I even get pleasure from it!
And it would be entirely different, my thinking would be so much different on this, if I had never had a spanking from him or had never been taped and restrained by him. I wouldn’t be thinking any of these thoughts if he didn’t used to pound the shit out of me and wrap his hands around my throat! I would be more understanding about his lack of interest. And for the most part, I have been really understanding. How do you think we got to the point where I let my desires go by the wayside for two fucking years?!? And frankly, I feel like being done with understanding!
I’ve been waiting until his next days off to really have a conversation about this with him, because I want to figure something out. I want to figure out what we’re going to do about getting me closer to being my “Authentic Sexual Self”, somewhere closer to where I was when I was pregnant with Carter (and something that doesn’t involve me getting pregnant again… thank you very much! haha). I just don’t like where I’m at right now and I’m sick of this stupid emotional roller coaster ride that I’m on over SEX!