The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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It Happened!

After much complaining and two years of impatiently waiting, it finally happened. I finally got a spanking!!

Okay, maybe not a spanking exactly. Two hard smacks, but still, closer than I’ve been in two freaking years!!

I had spent the night pestering The Boyfriend about this issue, without actually being bickering or nagging about it, just letting him know that it was on my mind. At one point, I mentioned to him that quite a long time ago he had made all these statements about how he should have to spank me every time he gets anal and that he’s gotten anal quite a few times without having to give me a spanking at all. We laid down in bed and gave this “erotic anime romp” series on Netflix a try out, Girls Bravo. We’re only two episodes in, so I haven’t really begun to form a strong opinion, but it was definitely a good warmer up to porn.

We seemed to be having a really difficult time picking porn, because I couldn’t seem to take it seriously if my life depended on it. Finally, I decided to stop looking with him in mind and ended up choosing a Public Disgrace video (some of my favorite porn ever by the way people!) and it definitely did the trick. I was absolutely entangled in this film and could not take my eyes of the screen for anything, I was just in heaven watching this girl get used and abused and all the people. Still sends shivers down my spine.

I rolled onto my side and The Boyfriend snuggled up close behind me, his naked cock warm as it rest at the meeting of my legs and rear, flexing to meet with my moistening lips. I reached behind him and grabbed frantically at his ass, remarking on it’s amazing shape and it’s perfectly adorable fit against my hand. He slid his hand over my hip and up to my breast, forcing it this way and that, squeezing roughly at my nipples. My nails dug into his flesh as his hand reached up and his fingers gripped my throat, his other hand sliding under my head, trapping my head down by my hair.

My other hand went to his arm and I dug my nails in there, as he slowly slid his throbbing cock into my wet slit. We both paused as he reached the peak of his descent and our breaths were held in our chests, mine in his firm grip. His hand moved to my shoulder as he held me still for a few hard pumps, before releasing me to play on him. I slowly moved my hips against him, my soft lips circling his swollen member and I gently rocked allowing him more access and then only allowing shallow penetration on his behalf. As I pulled off of him, his cock drenched in my juices, he slowly pushed back in, but this time it wasn’t into my pink heaven.

It seemed so easy this time compared to every other time. I was so wet and he was so covered in my wetness that things were gliding with ease. As it became uncomfortable, he grabbed me tighter and whispered in my ear as I moaned out to him, “Daddy… Daddy… Daddy…” – my favorite thing to call him in the whole world, even though we don’t participate in any type of Daddy/Girl kinks. He grabbed my hip and pushed forward a little when I felt a sudden Smack! on my ass.

A few more quick thrusts and another Smack! on my ass. My moans of “Daddy” became much louder as he thrust harder and harder, a sure sign that he was in the midst of cumming. He reached between my legs, opening them wide and his fingers went to immediate work on my clit, his cock slowly losing girth in my tight hole. I squirmed frantically on him, bucking my hips wildly against his fingers, choking out words as he brought me to a very intense orgasm that resulted in my entire body going completely stiff next to him.

I have still yet to figure out how I feel about this spanking…

This post is intended for adults 18+


Quarter-Life Crisis, Part 2

In the previous post, I finished off with:

“Don’t get me wrong in anyway. I love The Boyfriend in a more deep and profound way than I think I’ve ever loved anyone. I have never experienced such a wonderful and amazing relationship that I believe is strong and stable in every single way possible. I never look at him and think “Oh my god, I wish this relationship would just end already” and I have not thought once about breaking anything off with him. On the contrary. I’ve been thinking heavily about spending the rest of my life with this man and how for the first time in my life, I seriously cannot wait to be married. I cannot wait to have him propose to me, I cannot wait to wake up to his face every single morning for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to grow old together. I really do love him so much.”

With all of what I said in the last post, I just find that every single time that I do anything to show my love for The Boyfriend, I’m often stopped dead in my tracks thinking and analyzing and it sends me into a spiral of general blahness. What am I thinking and analyzing about? Well mostly, I’m thinking about how I have completely neglected and even turned off my desires almost, because he’s not interested. And while I basically just ignored that for a really long time, the desire has come back and it’s come back with a vengeance  The worst part is, I didn’t even ignore it, I sincerely believed that I could control my desires and I sincerely believed that I could suppress them until he was ready to be interested again.

Then, I realized that it’s been well over two years since I last had a spanking, and the kinkiest thing we’ve done in that two years is have anal sex or maybe the fisting (although it didn’t feel kinky while we were doing it…). I was shocked and appalled.  Two freaking years! You’ve gotta be kidding me?!? And for two years, I have not been my (as Dr. Gloria Brame would put it) “Authentic Sexual Self“. I haven’t even been close to it. I’ve forced myself to enjoy over and over again the same ole vanilla sex and I’ve convinced myself that any vanilla sex is better than no kinky sex. And none of these thoughts are as bad as the one that stops me dead in my tracks every single time:

Why can’t he just compromise?

Okay, so you’re not comfortable with 24/7 total power exchange, and you’re not comfortable with the rewards and punishments. Fine. But is it so hard to just every once and awhile, agree to spank me? Is it so hard even to just every once and awhile be a little bit rougher with my breasts? And maybe I’m the only one who does it. I mean, I don’t really like anal sex all that much and yet I still do it because I know he really enjoys it and desires it. And strictly because of how much he enjoys it, I end up walking away from anal sex most of the time with an orgasm. It’s a win-win situation. Do I do it because I want to be having anal sex? No! I do it because he wants to be having anal sex and I don’t mind doing it for him. Again, I even get pleasure from it!

And it would be entirely different, my thinking would be so much different on this, if I had never had a spanking from him or had never been taped and restrained by him. I wouldn’t be thinking any of these thoughts if he didn’t used to pound the shit out of me and wrap his hands around my throat! I would be more understanding about his lack of interest. And for the most part, I have been really understanding. How do you think we got to the point where I let my desires go by the wayside for two fucking years?!? And frankly, I feel like being done with understanding!

I’ve been waiting until his next days off to really have a conversation about this with him, because I want to figure something out. I want to figure out what we’re going to do about getting me closer to being my “Authentic Sexual Self”, somewhere closer to where I was when I was pregnant with Carter (and something that doesn’t involve me getting pregnant again… thank you very much! haha). I just don’t like where I’m at right now and I’m sick of this stupid emotional roller coaster ride that I’m on over SEX!

This post is intended for adults 18+


Did I Tell You About Last Night?

Thanks to The Boyfriend’s birthday, it has been two really great nights of sex-having and I don’t think it will be our last – not for at least another two days. I always love having birthday sex, especially when it’s not my birthday, because somehow it just always feels better. Even when it was the same sex you had just the night before, add the anniversary of someone’s birth in there and things just seem hotter.

The only thing that has even slightly sucked at all about the two nights (okay, technically, they were both in the same day. But one was at like 3 AM on Sunday and the other was just before midnight of that same day – but I slept in between, so that’s a different day for me…) was the porn. Let me clarify. I love watching porn and for the most part, tend to really enjoy doing it during the foreplay stage of sex. I don’t need a lot to get me ready to go for sex, so the foreplay is more for The Boyfriend than it is for me.

However, I’m really starting to not like his taste in porn – and not because he has bad taste, but because everything he wants to watch makes me insanely jealous. And, if this were the me of 5 or 6-years ago, it would be jealousy because he’s getting so turned on by these women on the screen, but that’s not it at all. No, instead, I suffer with being jealous because I so desperately want the things that he really enjoys watching.

When it comes to porn, The Boyfriend is all for anything lesbian. If it’s got 2 girls in it, he’s game. He even prefers that, when we pick heterosexual porn, there be 1 guy and 2 girls (at least), because he really has a thing for watching lesbians. And trust me, I really do too. But immediately, the second he even suggests it, I just fill with a whiny type of jealousy that normally results in me playfully sobbing, “I want to do that!!!”. But what bugs me most, is not that I want to do that, but because when I whine it at him and then try to say something along the lines of, “You should let me do that!”, it’s just a conversation silencer. He immediately goes quiet and I swear, intentionally stays that way so that I won’t say anything else about it…

Rant over!

So anyways, we ended up coming across some incredibly sexy videos dealing with lesbians and double dildos (another thing that The Boyfriend has really gotten into recently). The first night, I don’t think we watched for long at all before beginning our serious playing – where penetrative sex is being had, but we’re not actually having sex, more like just teasing each other for prolonged lengths of time. The most memorable moment of the night was getting up to get a drink and being stopped mid-way to be bent over and pounded from behind, my hands on the floor near my feet. It felt good and he enjoyed the view.

The Boyfriend had one birthday wish, one that the mere thought of the wish coming true, completely ruined the chances of it ever happening. As I’ve probably said before, The Boyfriend enjoys anal quite a bit – not really sure why he enjoys it as much as he does, and he definitely doesn’t know either, but he does. I, on the other hand, really don’t care for anal sex. I grew up wanting to be a total anal whore, but now that I’ve tried anal sex my required three times, I just can’t seem to really enjoy it. There have been a few times but for the most part, if and when I do it, I’m totally just doing it to please him.

It came as no surprise that his birthday wish would be anal and before he even said it, I knew he was going to ask if I’d be down. I had mentally prepared myself to say yes and was intentionally trying to rough up the serious playing so that I’d be more likely to enjoy the discomfort anal sex brings me. Alas, as he whispered in my ear, “Can I?”, the entire thought of it proved to be just a little too much for his (to quote Sadopaeidia – the best book ever!) “John Thomas” and he ended up cumming right there and then. I had already had a short orgasm earlier on in the playing and was quite pleased when he asked me if I thought I could cum again while he went limp inside me – so hot!

The next day (although, refer to the point about this above, because it was technically still the same day), he was doing little things all day long to keep me quite ready for more. Like when he needed to use my soft clothes to wipe one of his games off and he gently rubs his fingertips up my legs, starting from my ankles and all the way up to my inner thigh or the gentle kisses he pampered my neck with as I sat on the computer blogging away. By the time we got into bed, all I could do was think about what we were going to do to each other.

We’d both been talking about 69’ing for some time and just never actually found ourselves doing it. But it had been a really long time since we last 69’ed, so I put my foot down and demanded some oral sex! Again the lesbian double dildo-type porn was put on and it didn’t take either one of us long to decide that we were ready to really begin getting it on. It had been so long that we were both a little awkward about it, as I expected. We couldn’t get comfortable, my pussy was up too high for his tongue to reach and my boobs kept getting in the way of me being comfortable on top of him, but eventually we got it all sorted out.

I could not get over how long he seemed to be and how difficult I was finding it to get most of him in my mouth. Usually, it doesn’t seem that hard. After our orgasms had finished, which beautifully happened at the exact same moment, I mentioned how long he seemed and it turned out that someone had spent some time shaving – not a lot, just a trim (because that’s how I like it). I was most pleased and feel asleep dreaming of trimmed pubic hair.

I am sincerely hoping that tonight will result in another sex-session, but for now, we’re just enjoying the peace and quiet of everyone’s bedtime 😉

This post is intended for adults 18+

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Take the Helm

I am quickly becoming more and more dissatisfied with my sex life, even though I am having more sex now than I have in years. We are back up to regularly having sex every 2-3 days, which is just perfect for us with the 4 kids and his job… And while the sex itself, has been nothing short of amazing, it’s absolutely not the sex that I want to be having. Our sexual interests right now are like splitting cells.

I’m going this way and he’s going that way and even though we somehow meet back in the middle during sex, afterwards I just feel like we’re going separate ways. I’m never going to get what I want, he’s never going to get what he wants and we’re both going to end up resenting each other for it.

Last night, after a nice and quick shower together, I decide I want to give him head. That part was wonderful. I was having fun playing and teasing, he was having fun trying to keep my hair out of my face, it was all good. Then, I ask what he wants and right away he jumps to anal. I automatically said no, and for the first time ever, instead of just taking my no as a serious no the first time, I had to say it two more times before it was dropped. And while it was very playful, it pissed me off.

Why can’t I get with guys that share my sexual interests? Why must I keep getting with guys who have an obsession with something that I don’t want to incorporate in my sex life – at least, not with me on the receiving end of it. I’m not a huge fan of anal sex. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable, patiently awaiting the moment when it might feel good. Which sometimes never happens. I tried it my required three times and decided it wasn’t for me, that I was never going to be the anal whore I once dreamed of. And I’m okay with that. But apparently it’s not good enough to have my vag and my mouth to fuck…

And I’m supposed to offer up my ass for anal, but I can’t even mention spankings? I can’t even get one…

So we finish with head. I guess he figured since we weren’t having anal and I wasn’t actively pursuing sex, that that’s how I wanted him to cum. So instead of letting me continue on with my playing and teasing, he grabs my head and now the game is really on. I can tell the second he’s getting ready to cum, because of the way that he grabs my head. It never bothers me, I actually find it to be incredibly sexy. I’ve always liked that he will guide me directly the way he wants me during sexual activity – always in control.

As usual, after the orgasm is done, we discuss what we liked and didn’t like. We try to communicate as much as possible, so that every sex session just keeps getting better. So last night, he said something along the lines of… “Once I’m ready to cum, I kind of take the helm”, and I quickly interjected, “Yeah, what’s with that? Why can’t you ever just let me make you cum, without you working for it too?” and all he did was cover his lips with a finger and shushed me.

I kept replaying all the times he’s said to me, “One day, I’m going to have to see if you can make me cum like that”, often referring to the muscle clenching that I tend to do a lot of during sex, without meaning to more often than not. But there’s been numerous times that he’s said it, for a variety of the ways that I have sex. But he never lets me do the work of actually bringing him to orgasm. Once he reaches that point, he takes over and I normally let him because it feels good. But the shushing, the lack of willingness to talk about whatever reasons might be behind this, just made me really uncomfortable. I expressed this to him. Not to the degree that I was feeling it, but I didn’t want to completely ruin a totally great head session with my emotional drama…

I made it known that I was not happy with the shushing or the lack of communication about this new discovery. I had, up to this point, figured that it was probably some bodily reaction that he couldn’t exactly help. I know personally, when I’m about to cum, I’ll hold my breath. And it’s not something I have control over, it’s just what happens. So I had figured that that was just the way his body responded to a close orgasm. But this “take the helm” comment, means that it’s not some involuntary reaction of his body but instead a thought-out action. An action with some sort of reasoning behind it.

The worst part of it though, is that I was upset by the way the night had turned out. I was slightly mad by the suggestion of anal, I was slightly upset by the lack of communication, I was saddened by the discovery itself. So even though, I don’t completely understand why I said no to it all, I didn’t want to cuddle, I didn’t want to kiss, I just wanted to roll over and go to sleep. But I hate when I make it known that I’m upset about something, and I act like I’m upset about it, and instead of being comforting and trying to really discover what’s wrong, he just gives into me.

So instead of trying to cuddle with me last night, instead of trying for kisses, he just rolled over his own way and went to sleep. Instead of being even slightly interested in the chance of me having an orgasm, he just rolled over and went to sleep. I’m sick of being punished in this way, when I’ve done nothing wrong. This “ignore-her-until-she-gets-over-it” kind of way… It makes it seem like my thoughts and feelings don’t really matter. Even when I do go on full out ragers about my stupid emotions, I speak to a brick wall of silence.

I just feel like I’m giving a lot of myself and not getting much back in return sometimes…

This post is intended for adults 18+


Dual Nipple Licking


Last night was an incredibly fun night with The Boyfriend. After spending all day long in a “passionate” state, I was more than ready to go  by the time he mentioned having sex. Then he asked me to get into something sexy. Have I ever told you how much I love when he does that? You would think that I’d take offense to it, like “What, are my normal clothes not sexy enough?!”, but instead I normally think something more akin to “Ooo, I’m going to look good”, but last night – I made him pick my outfit 😉

So he picked this cute little polka dot dress that I got with kind of a cowl neckline and this frilly bottom. It hits about 2 inches above my knees, so if I bend over, all you see is ass! Then, he said my favorite dirty words, “I think I’ll fill all of your holes tonight!”. Ugh, I shudder with pleasure! He’s wandering the house as I’m playing video games, when he shows up at my side with his cock out. There’s hole number 1!

Then we moved into bed…

He jumped into things pretty fast, which took me by surprise a little bit and I said something. On the TV, we had some sweet BDSM porn going on, which I had chosen and he didn’t seem to mind, even though more and more he’s showing extreme resistance to that whole lifestyle. So I was surprised that he let me keep the kinky porn on and was even helping picking videos. But I was not turned on enough when he went in for the kill, which resulted in me asking him to slow down. He did and worked a little harder to get me wetter, which really isn’t that much harder, just a little bit longer.

He sat up against the ottoman and reached for me, as I straddled his cock and he grabbed my left breast with his mouth. It’s by far our most favorite breast. I was nowhere near ready to cum, so I didn’t want to do anything that would make him ready to cum, so it wasn’t our normal typical me-on-top type of sex. It was slower, more about kissing and caressing than the actual sex having. I grabbed his hands to reach around behind me and guess who already had a bottle of lube ready to go!!

He rubbed the lube around and I was sure the whole anal thing was going to go over okay. I would never say that it goes over good, per se. After I get into it and after it gets past a certain point, it’s not the worst thing in the world and it’s not bad enough that I can’t still orgasm. But I wouldn’t necessarily it gives me any pleasure, outside of knowing that it’s giving him pleasure. We’ve also been trying anal in different positions, since I normally won’t even consider anything outside of spooning. Our first wonderful and successful time was spooning and I just seem to be able to stay more relaxed that way. I don’t get all tense. But we’ve both been wanting something different, him especially, so I suggested we try doggy style.

Well, that was just too much. I knew almost the second I knelt up that I wasn’t going to last long. Then he got on top of me and within seconds I was asking him to back off. Just too uncomfortable. So he took of his first condom of the night and we doggy-styled vaginally for awhile. My boobs looked so hot in my dress in that position. Then he sat back and pulled me back onto him and then came the finger in the ass again.

I tend to really enjoy this position, where it’s like lazy doggy style. He sits down, I sit back on him, his legs are all spread and I’m on my knees. I like that he’s got hands that are free to roam and so do I. I like that if he moves forward to grab onto me, or leans back, the feel of the sex is so different. Instead of hitting my anterior vaginal wall, he’s now hitting the posterior and now he’s deep and now he’s not. It just feels so different with every little movement. I also like to think that my back is really sexy, even though I don’t actually have any idea…

Then, he pushed me down onto my stomach – and I figured this was mostly because he was getting ready to cum so he wanted me to be able to play with myself, but this was not the case, as he slowly slid something into me. At first, I didn’t think anything of it. It kind of felt like his cock, just softer or maybe a really lubricated finger. But he switched to each of those and that’s not what the other thing felt like. So, as he’s fucking me and I can tell that he’s getting closer and closer to cumming, he whispers in my ear, “What do you want?”. Sometimes, I love this. Other times, I hate it. Last night, it was kind of perfect.

I asked, “What are you sticking in me?”, and he said a dildo. I still had no idea which one, but I figured it was one we hadn’t used before, because it didn’t feel like the ones we had. I said that I’d like to have both the dildo and him in my pussy. Wish, granted! I don’t know exactly how he managed to do it and last night I could’ve told you which cock was which, but now, I have no idea. All I know is that it felt really freaking amazing. He’d get pumping at one speed and then he’d make the dildo do something else entirely, or he’d just push and hold the dildo downwards or upwards while he was still thrusting and it felt soooo good! It was becoming harder and harder for him to hold back his orgasm.

I asked if we could flip over, I wanted to kiss him and ever since we shaved his head the other night, I’ve been promising to rub my hands through his short hair during sex and hadn’t yet. So we flipped over and immediately got into our normal regular position. I know I make it sound like I’m complaining, but I’m really not. It’s my most favorite position in the world for a lot of reasons. Even though it’s mainly just missionary position, I love that I can easily touch all my favorite parts of his body and I can block him from seeing my least favorite parts of my body. I love that he’s in control, but by simply grabbing his hips, I can guide and direct him to what I want more of. I love that it’s another position where just the little changes will make a big difference in the way it feels. Example, feet on his bum as opposed to feet flat on the bed, or hips lifted or pressed down. It changes the whole thing.

He’s really liking my boobs a lot lately and insists on spending most of his time on them when we’re in this position. He likes to make them bounce and he likes when they bounce and he’s sucking on them. I think he also likes my reaction to these things, especially my boobs bouncing. I get really excited about it! So last night, as he had my left breast held tightly in his hand, his tongue doing these incredible flicks, I lifted my head and joined him in the nipple licking. I don’t think he knew that I could lick my own nipples, but based on his reaction, I think that’s going to be something that happens more!

We were kissing each other while sucking on my nipple and we would take turns circling my nipples with our tongues. He would watch me, I would watch him, and then we’d do it together. The whole thing was so hot and so intense and needless to say, within seconds, we were both cumming. Me first and I was still cumming when he started. I laid there half laughing, half not being able to breathe as he collapsed on me and we both blissfully chanted, “That was amazing, that was so good…”.

Sleep came incredibly easy and was an insanely sound one. I woke up this morning and the first thought I had was, “We sucked my nipple last night!”.

This post is intended for adults 18+

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Reviewing Some Things…


Why is it that I suck so hard at completing the simplest of goals? You’d think I’d be talking about cleaning my house (which I’m sucking at as well, but isn’t the point of today’s post) or going to work every single day… But no! This is totally Sex Bucket List-related. How can I take these ideas that are in my head and make them work for my life?

Blogging about every sex session… I have wanted to do this for so long. So I put it on my 2012 Sex Bucket List and guess what…? I haven’t blogged about a sex session since before the new year. Which would make sense if my sex life was still sucking as much as it was a few months back, but it doesn’t. I can only remember one time in the last long while where I got to the point of not being able to stand the length anymore, and that was both of our faults, not just his. Darn us and our ability to stay up WAY too late!

But there have been some amazing times. Like my 3rd successful go at anal, which turned out really great. We both came, he was tender like he was the first time and it was honestly really nice. There’s also been nights when I’ve insisted on giving him head without getting anything in return and we haven’t had nights like that in forever. There have been a lot of really great experiences. So, why am I not writing about them?

Part of the problem is that we have sex right before bed. Literally, sex is over, smoke is had and now it’s time for sleep. So I don’t write about it when it’s all still fresh in my mind. Then normally, I work the next day and when you spend the next six hours focusing on mostly your work, it is incredibly difficult to remember much about the sex you had the night before, no matter how spectacular it was. You can never remember how it was exactly that you ended up getting into that awkward position and you can’t recall who came first or if you came at exactly the same moment. You can’t remember many other details about it that make writing about sexual experiences so fun, like what he smelt like or how the sweat latched onto his curly hair.

And then from both my sex bucket lists (1 & 2), I’ve got “Wear my Ben-Wa Balls”. I got two different sets of Ben-Wa Balls a few years back. When I opened them up, they were much smaller than I had imagined they would be and I’ve had 4 kids! I expect things to not be able to grip very easily (though I have no actual proof of this and I’ve never had anyone say anything to the effect – on the contrary), so I just assume that those balls have got to be too tiny for my pussy to hold onto. Then again, isn’t that the point.

So anyways, I want to learn more about if these things are too small and if I should get rid of them and find bigger ones. And I keep meaning to, but then I see all these numbers with these ones weighing this much and being of this diameter – and people, if I haven’t said it enough, I really SUCK at math. Do you know much about Ben-Wa Balls and how to use them? Leave me a comment!

All of my BDSM/Fetish stuff has completely escaped my mind and I’ve barely thought about it, in the sense of actually doing any of it. Sure, I still fantasize, but now it seriously and truly is just a fantasy. It’s no longer The Boyfriend I see holding or receiving the torture device, it is now a blurry image of what used to be a man. It’s no longer him watching on as I caress a blurry woman’s body, it is now just a blurry figure in a chair. When I fantasize, these things aren’t happening to me – they are now happening to the Russian woman who has long been a character in my dreams.

Ever since I was young, I remember having these dreams of a woman with very long black hair, dressed from head to toe in white fur – sometimes a black body stocking (though this is because, as I later discover, that she is an international spy) – and she’s always got this intense look on her face as she takes me on these wild adventures in my sleep, that often leave me waking with a case of the sweats. As I got older and older, this woman also became the woman of my fantasies – the character that played me, as it were, in the scenario. She is the ultimate of how I’d love to look, if I could choose those things at will.

She embodies the characteristics I believe every woman should have: strength, courage, confidence, sex appeal, dignity and all those other positive strong attributes, that I’m hoping you can imagine. She is also incredibly sexy in my perception of her and the second I see her defined cheekbones and those incredible eyes, I immediately feel overwhelmingly intrigued. I’ve only ever seen one woman in real life that came as close to amazing looking as the woman in my dreams/fantasies, but that could’ve been the lighting and the alcohol… Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see…

Anyways, the point is that my desire towards BDSM has somewhat diminished as I see it becoming less and less attainable for me. The Boyfriend has made it very loudly clear that he is not going to share, period. Doesn’t matter what the gender or sexual fetish is, doesn’t matter if there’s sex or no sex, he won’t even hear anything of ideas or concepts on how to make it work, before completely shutting me down. And I understand it, I’d probably be the exact same way. And honestly, the sharing thing has always been another thing that I never thought would truly come to fruition.

He’s also made it pretty clear that he has no interest in participating. Spanking is completely out of the question and he absolutely refuses to indulge me. It’s very rare that a sex toy even gets brought out anymore as I think he’d rather be the one giving the pleasure. I wonder if I’ve ever made him feel inferior or lacking in ability to pleasure me? I hope not, because he gives me a great amount of pleasure. Regardless of the lack of kink.

I’m not saying that I’m ready to give up, but I’m definitely not striving for it as hard as I have in my past. Maybe one day, the drive will come back to me, but right now it’s sadly on the back burner. Luckily, that’s not saying for sex altogether, just the kinky stuff. Vanilla sex, well I’ll be gunning for that 24/7 and I’m hoping, now that I’ve released this pent up piece of shit, that writing about vanilla sex will become a more frequent thing. So cross your fingers for me 😉


Things I’ve Done From the Sexual Bucket List Ideas Post


A very popular post on The Rantings of a Tortured Mind is a post from March 2011 called 100+ Sexual Bucket List Ideas. This post has been viewed over a thousand times and over 315 search terms have brought people to the post. If you haven’t read it yet, you should!

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