The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Electronic Junkies…


I don’t know why I keep raising my boys to be total electronics junkies. With Kenzie, it was all about playing video games. The constant asking, the constant whining when he couldn’t and though he’s not as bad now as he was 2 years ago, he’s not cured. Keirnan, it seems to be Netflix. He gets upset when he doesn’t get to hold the paddle, when he doesn’t get to pick the show or when he just doesn’t get to watch it.

Cater, my sweet little Carter, is obsessed with the computer. I mean, worse than any of the other boys are obsessed with their things. He wakes up in the morning and wants to play on the computer. When we lock the computer, he’ll sit there attempting to write in passwords, clicking around on all the Ease of Access stuff and finally, he will get frustrated and just turn off the computer. Then he’ll turn it on again, thinking that password screen will no longer be there.

Once The Boyfriend and I are up and moving around, we’ll kick him off the computer and he’ll scream and cry and freak out that it’s his computer and that it’s his turn on it. If we don’t get on it the second he’s been kicked off, he’ll sneak onto it constantly, until eventually we don’t notice him sitting there playing his games!

It’s beginning to become the most annoying part of the day…

In other news, Kaeidyn’s still insisting on sleeping downstairs. She gives it a shot upstairs in her room but the sounds get to her and she eventually moves downstairs. The Boyfriend wants to get tougher on her and make her stay up there for longer before she’s allowed to come down, but I just feel bad for her. Explains why I let the kids stay sleeping in my bed until they were in Kindergarten!!

A lot of times, we’ll wake up in the morning to all the kids sleeping down here. I’m still having some issues falling asleep at night. For over a week, The Boyfriend and I didn’t go to bed until at least 4 in the morning. Just too worried about all the sounds. Some nights I’ll get away with not having to move the dresser in front of the door, but more often than not, I’m still asking for that dresser there every night. I’ll just stay up too long sketching about every noise if I don’t. But at least the actual break-in isn’t on our minds much anymore.

Well, that’s pretty much this last week in a nutshell. Boring, I know, but that’s life sometimes. How’s your week been going?

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So Good We Napped


You know what sucks about running a blog for this long? There is a lot of stuff on it that’s sometimes hard to figure out how you want it to be organized and how you want it to look. Ah well… stuff happens!

The Boyfriend and I finally had sex last night. I had been really wanting it before we had our break-in. Actually, the night of the break-in, just before it happened, I was on top of The Boyfriend facing the TV and letting him rub me through my pants in the attempts of getting sex. Then of course, in the days following the break-in, we were both too nervous to actually have sex.

Finally, somehow our fears were put to rest and I got to orgasm a total of 3 times yesterday and we technically had sex twice!! Both times were absolutely beyond incredible and it marked a new one for both of us – having sex with a cast on. Surprisingly, it didn’t interrupt things as much as we were expecting, though a few times we both noticed it. He felt it more when he was on top and I felt it more when I was on top… Figure that one out 😉

After the kids had all fallen asleep last night, he snuggled up close behind me. I was wearing a very short skirt and he was easily able to caress my legs. I was shocked when he lifted the blanket, disappeared under it and began to lick my pussy from behind. He forcefully grabbed my ass and pushed my lips up to meet his. He really enjoyed eating me out in this position, I would even say more than any other position. At first, I felt awkward and uncomfortable, but then it just felt too good to care and soon I was cumming hard, which he happily cleaned up.

He swiftly penetrated me while I was still laying on my side and slowly we migrated to me laying on my back and him on top. I wrapped  my legs around him and not too sure how I did whatever I did next, but whatever it was it was amazing. Clenching the walls of my vagina around him until it felt like I had completely and literally encompassed him and then using my stomach muscles to pull myself off of him. All I know is that, from within my vagina, it felt incredible. It proved to feel incredible for him too, when he whispered to me, “You keep that up, I’m going to cum”. Needless to say, I didn’t stop… After he had cum, I stayed grinding on him until I came hard.

After we had a short nap (yes, we had a mini-nap the sex was so good!), we woke up and had something to eat before turning on the porn and doing it all over again. We had already agreed that I would be on top this time, so once the porn had been going for quite some time, I knelt down and laid hard kisses on his shaft. I only gave a few soft sucks before climbing on top of him and slowly letting him into my wetness. I wriggled this way and that until he was as deep as I could get him and we sat like that for a moment, just kissing and caressing one another.

I moved forward and slowly lifted my hips until he was almost completely out of me and then quickly slammed my hips down onto him. He bucked his hips beneath me and put his cast on my ass, the weight of it was most noticeable and actually kind of hot. I rocked back and forth on him and again he whispered, “You keep doing that and I’m going to cum”, so I kept “doing that” until he did cum. As he came, I quickly leaned back and began playing with my clit. I could feel his balls pulsing against my ass and as his cock began to go limp, my vagina felt incredibly full. It was only seconds before I was collapsing in an orgasm on top of him.

We turned off the porn, cuddled up close to one another and he was quickly fast asleep. I was awake for a little while longer, though that’s becoming a rather common occurrence. I woke up this morning and all I’ve been able to think about is oral sex…!


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I Am Angry…


I did so well that first night. A couple Smirnoff Ice’s and I fell asleep easily and like a baby. Last night, sans alcohol, the story was not the same. I tossed and turned and frantically jumped at every single noise for the first 4 hours after going to bed. Once I did fall asleep, I couldn’t stay that way and then, 8 AM rolls around and my alarm goes off. I hit snooze when suddenly rat-a-tat-tat at the door.

Yesterday morning, the guy who broke into the house out of sheer fear comes by at the crack of dawn to apologize for what he had done. Because our door was busted, we rigged a dresser up in front of it to keep it shut. I couldn’t move it out of the way, so shouted through the door that we thanked him for his apology and were sorry for all of what was happening to him and his family. I thought that would be it…

But this morning, the guys mother-in-law shows up on our doorstep, telling us the whole story behind what was happening and how her son is now going to end up in jail even though he just had a baby. I was still half asleep when she starts going off, so didn’t really respond to her, just told her that I understood – even though, by my reaction after she had left, it’s obvious I don’t understand.

So, here’s the story as we understand it so far…

A few months ago, our neighbours, a guy and a girl, had a baby. The baby was about 3 months old when it died of SIDS. At this point, the mom and dad begin doing drugs and start getting abusive towards one another. Finally, the girl gets fed up with being smacked around and calls her mom. Her mom decides to send her brother over to their house to “deal with it”. Instead of being a grown up and dealing with it in a logical and sensical way, her brother goes over with a BB gun and a buddy with a baseball bat and threatens to beat the shit out of the guy for hitting his sister. He runs away from his beating, all the way over to our house, breaks down our door and then gets beaten on our floor.

That’s essentially the whole story right there, as we know it at the moment…

And it makes me so damn mad. First of all, it makes me mad that because these 2 people’s lives were destroyed by the tragedies that faced them, they had to go and destroy 6 other completely unrelated people’s lives. And I know that destroy sounds very dramatic in this situation, being that we’re all alive and all okay. But when I say destroy, I’m speaking psychologically. My biggest fear in the world was that someone would break into my house – and somebody did. And I had that fear so under control and now that’s completely out the window. I’ll never be able to sleep again without worrying that I’m going to close my eyes and someone’s going to bang at my door like that…

Who the hell knows how this is affecting the kids… Carter was sitting right here in the living room when they broke down the door. If it weren’t for The Boyfriend grabbing him and holding onto him tight, there’s every chance in the world one of those BB’s would’ve hit him or he would’ve been in the crossfires of the morons punches. The other 3 kids were wide awake up in their room, listening to the screaming and raucous that was going on downstairs, just praying to god that the “bad guys” didn’t come up to their room. Whose to say this isn’t something that’s going to affect them for the rest of their lives.

They destroyed our lives!!

And I’m so incredibly angry about it. I hurt for them and that’s the worst part. My emotions are literally all over the place. On one hand, I feel sorry for the whole lot of them and I want to help them so bad. They are hurting and I can just imagine how messed up they must be. There’s a huge part of me that wants to go over to their house (only 4 doors down from us) and just wrap them both in my arms and I want to cry with them and hurt with them and comfort them.

On the other hand, I’m so angry. I’m mad at them and I want to hurt them like they hurt me. I want to slap them both for being such morons and cowards. I want to scream at them and make them feel guilty for the pain they’ve caused us. I want to force them to stare into my kids face and see how scared they’ve made them. I want to slap the mother who sent her son over there to “deal with it” and I want them to feel more terrible than they’ve ever felt before. How dare they!

Needless to say, I have spent the entire morning in a state of extreme anger. I have vented my head off to The Boyfriend, I have said over and over again how much I’m resisting going over there and involving myself anymore, and I just can’t stop being so mad. And frankly, I feel incredibly guilty for being so mad. I’m mad because they can’t just leave well enough alone. It’s not enough that they already broke down my door and they already shot me with a BB, it’s not enough. Now, they have to keep coming back every morning, making me re-live the whole thing over and over again.

I just feel like, if there was anything to throw me over to the deep end of the mental ocean, this is it and I’m so angry about that!


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I Got Shot…


Last night, The Boyfriend and I were laying on the bed watching Stargate SG-1, when a loud rapping began at the door. The Boyfriend went over to answer the door and since we couldn’t see anything, he yelled, “Who is this?”. The person on the other side of the door just kept screaming, “Let me in, let me in!”. Since it was the middle of the night, we weren’t about to just open up our door. I raced over to the phone and called the police as the banging got louder and louder.

The Boyfriend yelled at him, “We’ve called the cops, we have small children in here, go away!”, but he persisted. The yelling and banging became more frantic and then you could hear the first crack of the door frame. I told the cop on the phone, “They’re coming in here”, I screamed it at her. Another crack, The Boyfriend was using his entire body to keep the door shut but the final crack was too much and the first guy comes barreling into the house.

Another guy comes in right behind him with what looks like a gun in his hand and another guy comes in behind him with a baseball bat.. 10 or 11 shots go off in the first second that he’s in here. The first guy falls on the floor and the other 2 guys that had come in behind him begin shooting him with what is now obviously a BB gun. I was behind the wall, not able to see anything as I’m talking to the police and begging the lady to hurry up and get here. The Boyfriend is on the bed, holding and protecting Carter, watching the whole thing go down in front of him.

After I yelled out that the cops were on the way and after the guy on the floor was bleeding pretty good, the guys with the gun and baseball bat turned and walked out of the house. The guy on the floor got up and ran down to my basement until the cops got here. 6 or 8 cops showed up at our front door and a bunch at the back door. As I was giving my statement to the cop, I noticed that my chest felt incredibly itchy and sore. I pulled down the front of my shirt and right on my upper right breast, there is a mark from the BB. I got freaking shot last night…

My BB Gun Hole

My BB Gun Hole

My worst fear entirely, bad guys breaking into my house, was 100% realized last night.

After the bleeding guy had been taken up to the hospital and after the 2 other guys had run off (hopefully never to be seen again), and after The Boyfriend and I had each given our seperate statements to the cops, it was now time to clean up the blood and come down from the craziness of the night. It took us forever!!

Right away we cracked open Smirnoff Ice’s. We both regalled the tale of what we had just experienced to each other, checked each other out for injuries – he also got a cut and bruised thumb from holding the door and then it was as if the guilt had set in. He felt bad for not coming closer to me and “protecting” me, I felt terrible for not even being aware of the kids at that particular moment and only thinking about getting the cops here. We both felt like we could’ve and should’ve dealt with that so much differently.

At the same time, we were incredibly thankful that it had happened the way it happened and that we were both okay. A lot of “Could you imagine if…”‘s were thrown around, especially about that gun being real. We rigged the door up so that we could lay down in bed, we slammed another Smirnoff Ice and then we gripped onto each other as we drift off to sleep – which came as a huge surprise to me. You’d think that after I just went through my biggest most scary experience, I’d have a hard time getting to sleep, but the alcohol had reached just the right place…


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Makes Me Miss Bassoon


For most of yesterday and today, I’ve been sore and that means that I’ve been lazy. My neck is causing me a heck of a lot of problems and it’s resulted in me laying in bed a lot. Since I haven’t been in to watching movies or TV much, Netflix has barely gotten used but we’re watching tons of YouTube.

The other day, and I can’t believe I’ve never searched for this before, I decided to search for one of the instruments that I played back in high school. I wanted to see what was out there for bassoon music. I came across the most amazing bassoon quartet – The Breaking Winds and thought it would be nice to share one of my (now official) favorite videos on YouTube. Here’s The Breaking Winds doing a cover of Goyte’s Somebody That I Used to Know:

If you liked it as much as I did, let them know by leaving a comment or liking the video. Never heard the bassoon sound so beautiful and dramatic before! If you know of other great bassoon videos, leave me a comment below!


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Boy Trouble…


I woke up this morning feeling like today was going to be the crappiest day in the history of days. The Boyfriend had just finished up 3 days off, which was wonderful and not-so-wonderful all at the same time (more about that in a minute), Kaeidyn and Kenzie were up at the crack of dawn this morning fighting over games on the Xbox – which reminds me that we totally need to make a new rule apparently about not playing games before school…, and then I got a phone call from my Mom this morning about my brother, who sounds like he’s not doing that great.

So, I went back to bed. After The Boyfriend left for work and once the older kids were gone to school, Keirnan sat and watched TV while Carter and I dozed back off. I slept much later than I had anticipated, although judging by my more optimistic outlook on the day, I needed it. Then my Mom came over and we talked a bit about my brother. I’m sure I’ve written about this somewhere on the blog before, but a few years back Goober did some experimenting with drugs and those drugs had a very negative effect on him. About a year after the experimentation, Goober came home and was acting very strange and he just seemed to get stranger. Talking to himself, obsessing about the end of the world, staring creepily at people, refusing to get any sort of medical help for obvious medical problems, never sleeping, the list really goes on and on.

One night, he gets picked up by the cops who decide that he’s not in the right mental state and get him institutionalized. They (the doctors who were in charge of him, I guess) decide that he seems to have psychosis brought on by the drug use and there’s a chance that he could continue having this problem for a long time. But he gets better. Then, another year passes and he begins to get worse again. After Mom and I completely coerce him, he gets institutionalized again and gets on meds and seems to be doing better. He gets let out and fluctuates for a long time between good and bad until one day he seems completely fine. For the past few months, he’s seemed completely fine. He’s held a job for a long time, he’s stayed living in one place with the same roommates for a long time, everything seems to be going good.

Then, my Mom gets a call from his roommates letting us know that he’s been talking to himself a lot and generally creeping the roommates out and they want to know how to deal with it. Last anyone heard, Goober was up at the hospital. We only know that he wasn’t there today when Mom called the hospital and we haven’t been able to get a hold of anyone who is in direct contact with him. It’s hard during these times with my brother, for both my Mom and I, and it’s even harder to know how to support everyone in this situation. Right now, it’s just a waiting game to see what happens next – is this going to be an all-the-rest-of-winter type of glitch with my brother or is it just going to be for a few weeks? What’s caused the glitch this time and what’s it going to be like this time? Needless to say, I’m nervous about the first time he comes over here – which when he’s like this tends to happen a lot more than usual, but so far, I’ve heard nothing…

In other news, I kind of feel like The Boyfriend and I are going through a rough patch – though it’s totally not obvious or visible and I’m probably the only one who feels this way. Rough patch is also probably the wrong words to use. It’s more like a disconnect between us. I don’t feel like we are as connected as we once were. I know part of it is because he got a new game and that tends to result in a lot of time where he’s on the game or wanting to play the game and I’m off here on the computer, so there’s no actual physical connection between us during a lot of these times.

I don’t know what the other part of it is. I’ve been mostly feeling it in terms of sex lately. He’s been very uninterested in sex and even when he have it (which thankfully hasn’t lessened much), he seems less like he’s enjoying it and more like he’s doing it because he has to. Or the one that’s really pissing me off is the half-assedness surrounding my orgasm. Let’s look at a few of our last sessions…

Last night, he decides rather early on in the night that he wants head. Being that I’ve gotten eaten out twice in the last 2 weeks, there was only excitement for me surrounding giving him head. I had asked him to trim up the other night just because I wanted to give him head. So, when he whispered in my ear that he wanted to go to bed early so that I could suck him off, I was more than pleased. The head went well, except that we’ve decided we need a new position for it, because with me laying next to him and at the particular angle, he feels to thick for my mouth and my jaw gets crazy sore. He came fast and was really into it and it was generally great. Once he came, I was itching for an orgasm and I made that very clear.

At first, he reaches down and frantically begins circling my clit and playing in my wetness. Then, his hand stops moving, his eyes start closing and he has no interest in my orgasm. I give him a little shove and he tells me he’s not falling asleep and acts all interested for a second. I start getting into it and I’m moaning and suddenly his hand stops again. This went on forever, when I finally got frustrated, reached down myself and ignored whatever it was that he was doing beside me and just focused on my orgasm. And this kind of thing keeps happening.

The other night, he offers to eat me out. I’m all for it and get myself all comfy. He gets down there and very gently sucks on my clit. My body begins quaking and shivering and he lifts off and waits a few minutes before going back in. Then, he gets so gentle that I can hardly feel what he’s doing at all. I try to grab his hand to guide his fingers into me and he lays his hand down on the bed and doesn’t touch me at all. I get this limp, un-enthusiastic tongue, very gently lapping at the top of my clit – not even the most sensitive part. By the time that I finally cum, he’s gone completely limp and doesn’t care to change that.  Like he’s just so uninterested in it all.

I’ll never understand where the whole concept of guys being total horn dogs and women being these demure and frigid beings came from, because this is the third relationship now where I’m just realizing that it’s absolutely the opposite way around. I’m still crazy interested in the sex, I’m still always thinking about cock and it’s only on his mind as a type of chore or obligation… I’m beginning to get frustrated with it.

I just want to have where I wake up everyday and my guy can’t resist thinking about the great sex we had last night and how much he can’t wait to do it again. I want to feel like my vagina is actually desirable to someone. I miss the days of my wetness being something that immediately got him hard and I miss the days when we had sex multiple times a day and it never felt like the same sex. I want to feel like he really truly wants me and this body and this sex, and I’m not getting that at all…