The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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Getting Down to Details


Mine and Jess’ conversation on my last post has been on my mind non-stop for the last 2 days now. I just keep thinking about all the questions she’s asked, all the things that could potentially happen with this idea and I have not been able to stop the constant stream of thoughts. She wants me to get down to details about what it is that I really want out of a kinky lifestyle, what does that even look like for me. And while I can come up with a few things, I feel like I’m just continually blanking. As I’ve said before, over the last few months, even more like a year, I’ve become really uncaring about kink. It’s really sad and hard for me to deal with a lot of times, but when I wasn’t being complacent about it, I was always upset about it and it was beginning to affect the little bit of vanilla sex that I do get. And I’m sure I’ve said this before too, that I’d rather be getting some vanilla sex and no kinky sex than getting no vanilla sex and no kinky sex. So really, this conversation is really shoving in my face how uncaring I have become and that’s being the thing that I’m having the hardest time with. How could I have let myself go like that?!?

Am I getting lost within the confines of my relationship? Am I losing sight of what it is that I have so desperately wanted for so many years? Can I even still call myself kinky when I’ve become the way that I am with it? And what the hell am I going to do about it? I feel like I’m breaking up with a boyfriend that I’ve had for so many years and this is all so sudden… I guess really it’s not, it’s just the first time that I’m really acknowledging it all.

But I figured, Jess had some really great questions about my kinky interests and I’ve never really put all of them together. My interests are kind of scattered over a bunch of posts all over the place and most of them only encompass the things that I know and have experienced and not the things that I want to know and want to experience. So, we’re going to attempt to narrow some things down – wish me luck.

Let’s start with what Jess posted:

“Can I recommend as a follow up post to this that you post exactly what you’re looking for. From this post I get your interested in having others control what you wear. What other aspects of your life are you looking for others so control? Do you have any limits? This way if your asked to do something we know ahead of time what you will/will not do.”

First of all, I notice that I do tend to use the “control what I wear” thing a lot as an example of something kinky. It’s popped up in almost every single post I’ve ever made about my interests in kink, I’m sure of it. That is one little area, that is a lot harder to do than you would think. My wardrobe, as it currently stands, is pretty boring and rather unsexy. Lots of comfy yoga type pants and baggy t-shirts. I rarely ever wear underwear (except for when it’s period time) and I haven’t worn a bra for anything but nights out in mega years. I don’t own a single piece of lingerie and I have one pair of high heels, one pair of winter boots and one pair of runners (which need to be replaced this summer). I dress like a mom… I’m also incredibly un-girly when it comes to how I look on a day-to-day basis. I don’t wear make up, the only things I know how to do with my hair are put them in braids or a ponytail, I never wear perfume and when it comes to products to use, I own so little that most people would probably be shocked. I know men with more product than I have…

But, that’s not really how I want it to be. I want to be the type of person who dresses in a way that would be pleasing to someone else’s eye. I want to be the type of person that wakes up in the morning, an hour early, to perfect my make up and hair. I want to be the type of girl who wears high heels for more than just fulfilling my partner’s fantasy during sex or owns a skirt for something other than just sleeping in. I want to wear a bra for some other reason than to just sit around the house in. That’s probably why I always turn to this particular kink as an example…

Another thing that I’d like to point out is that I haven’t always wanted to be submissive and I haven’t always identified as a S/switch, which is what I currently identify as. Prior to getting with The Boyfriend, it was never really a thought to do anything but dominate. I wanted to be the dominant in a relationship and have my own submissive. But as the 4th baby rolled around and The Boyfriend was naturally more of a leader than I was, it just kind of happened. One day, I was completely interested in nothing but domination and slowly, I found myself being much more interested in being his submissive, submitting to him. As the years have gone on and he’s lost all interest, I’m sticking with the submissive end of things because it’s now where I find comfort – although being that I’ve never really experienced either of them, I can’t really say either way which one I’d chose for sure…

Okay, so let’s get back to Jess’ comment. “What other aspects of your life are you looking for others to control?“, to which I can only only think, “All of them!“. The clothes I wear, the times I sleep, the way I conduct my day, the days I have to shave, the times I’m allowed to be on the computer or watching TV, the foods I’m allowed to eat, the things that I’m allowed to say in certain situations, the eye contact I’m allowed to make, the sex I’m allowed to have, really the possibilities are endless.

When it comes to kink, I have a whole wide variety of interests. I want behavior modification with punishments and rewards, I want impact play and sensation play, I want to be constantly put in my submissive place, always being reminded that I am owned, I am somebody’s and that that is the most important job (next to being a mom) that I have. Pleasing someone. Being what they need or want me to be. Or at least, that’s what I currently view submission for me as…

My only known limits are that I won’t do anything that involves poop, pee and puke (The Three P’s). It’s just not something that interests me at this time in my life. Outside of that, I’m really unsure of what limits I would have, because I have a curious interest in almost everything else. For example, my current list of “Into” and “Curious About” fetishes on my FetLife profile is pretty massive and I haven’t even updated it in awhile – then again, what’s on there is a really good start.

So for now, I’ll just leave you with this list and over time, you’ll notice these items turning into links as I do more in-depth posts about my interests. I’ve also put little stars besides the things on my “Curious About” list that are really high up there on my list of what I want to experience (*), and yes this list doesn’t currently exist… You can also expect to see multiple posts of the same title (with parts 1, 2, 3, etc.) further exploring any other comments that come my way regarding my interests in kink. I imagine this will be an interesting little journey we’ll be taking.

Into:

  • anal beads (giving)
  • ass play (everything to do with it)
  • ass worship (everything to do with it)
  • bare bottom spanking(receiving)
  • bare handed spanking (receiving)
  • biting (everything to do with it)
  • blood (everything to do with it)
  • blow jobs(giving)
  • bondage tape (receiving)
  • breasts (everything to do with it)
  • bruises(receiving)
  • choking (receiving)
  • cocksucking (giving)
  • crops (everything to do with it)
  • cum (everything to do with it)
  • cunnilingus (everything to do with it)
  • cutting(everything to do with it)
  • deep throating (giving)
  • dildos (receiving)
  • erotic literature (everything to do with it)
  • flogging (everything to do with it)
  • foot massage (receiving)
  • foot/feet (everything to do with it)
  • gagging/choked by cock (receiving)
  • hair pulling (receiving)
  • hairbrush spanking (receiving)
  • handcuffs (wearing)
  • handjobs (giving)
  • ice cubes (receiving)
  • impact play(receiving)
  • kissing (everything to do with it)
  • leaving marks (receiving)
  • light bondage (receiving)
  • lingerie (wearing)
  • massages (receiving)
  • masturbation(everything to do with it)
  • monogamy (everything to do with it)
  • music (everything to do with it)
  • mutual masturbation (everything to do with it)
  • nipples (everything to do with it)
  • nudity (everything to do with it)
  • oral sex (everything to do with it)
  • outdoor sex (everything to do with it)
  • scratching (giving)
  • spanking (everything to do with it)
  • swallowing (giving)
  • switching (everything to do with it)
  • talking dirty(everything to do with it)
  • vibrators (everything to do with it)
  • writing erotica(everything to do with it)

And that’s just the things that I’ve had experience with. My list of curiosities is even longer…

Curious about: 

  • corsets (everything to do with it) *
  • 1950s household (everything to do with it)
  • 24/7 (everything to do with it) *
  • abrasion play (everything to do with it) *
  • armbinders (everything to do with it)
  • artistic cutting (everything to do with it) *
  • asphyxiaphilia (everything to do with it)
  • ball gags (wearing) *
  • ballet boots/shoes(wearing)
  • bastinado (everything to do with it)
  • bathroom use control (everything to do with it) *
  • bdsm (everything to do with it)
  • begging (everything to do with it) *
  • behavior modification (everything to do with it) *
  • bellydancing (everything to do with it)
  • belt spanking (everything to do with it)
  • belt whippings (everything to do with it)
  • ben wa balls (wearing) *
  • bisexuality (everything to do with it) *
  • blindfolds(watching others wear)
  • bloodplay (everything to do with it)
  • body modification(everything to do with it)
  • body paint (wearing)
  • body worship (everything to do with it)
  • bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • bondage equipment (everything to do with it)
  • breast bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • breast spanking (everything to do with it) *
  • breast whipping (everything to do with it)
  • breast/nipple torture(everything to do with it)
  • breath play (everything to do with it) *
  • burlesque(everything to do with it)
  • caging/confinement (everything to do with it)
  • candle wax (everything to do with it)
  • caning (everything to do with it) *
  • cbt (giving)
  • chakra energy play (everything to do with it)
  • chastity (everything to do with it) *
  • chastity devices (giving)
  • clamps and clips (everything to do with it) *
  • clothespins(everything to do with it)
  • cock and ball torture (everything to do with it)
  • cock milking (everything to do with it)
  • cock worship (everything to do with it)
  • collar and lead/leash (everything to do with it)
  • collars (everything to do with it) *
  • consensual nonconsent (everything to do with it) *
  • control (everything to do with it) *
  • cornertime (receiving) *
  • corset piercing (everything to do with it)
  • corset training(everything to do with it) *
  • corsetry (everything to do with it)
  • corsets (wearing)
  • costumes/dressing-up (wearing)
  • crawling (everything to do with it)
  • cross dressing (watching others wear)
  • cuckold (everything to do with it)
  • cunt worship(everything to do with it)
  • d/s (everything to do with it)
  • daddy/girl (everything to do with it)
  • decorative cutting (receiving)
  • discipline (everything to do with it) *
  • domestic servitude (everything to do with it) *
  • domination (everything to do with it)
  • double penetration (receiving)
  • e-stim (receiving) *
  • edge play (everything to do with it) *
  • electrotorture (everything to do with it)
  • erotic photography (everything to do with it) *
  • exhibitionism (everything to do with it) *
  • eye contact restrictions(everything to do with it) *
  • female ejaculation (everything to do with it) *
  • fetish wear (wearing)
  • fishnets (wearing)
  • foot worship (receiving)
  • geisha (everything to do with it)
  • glass dildos (receiving)
  • gor(everything to do with it)
  • gorean slave positions (everything to do with it) *
  • grooming (everything to do with it) *
  • high heels (wearing)
  • high protocol(everything to do with it)
  • humiliation (giving) *
  • kneeling (everything to do with it) *
  • knife play (everything to do with it) *
  • latex (wearing)
  • leather (wearing)
  • lesbian domination (giving)
  • maid uniforms (wearing)
  • making home movies (everything to do with it) *
  • masochism (everything to do with it)
  • master/slave (everything to do with it)
  • mental bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • mistress/slave (everything to do with it)
  • multiple orgasms (everything to do with it) *
  • needle play (everything to do with it) *
  • obedience training (everything to do with it) *
  • online play (everything to do with it)
  • orgasm control (everything to do with it) *
  • orgasm denial (everything to do with it) *
  • otk spanking (receiving)
  • outdoor bondage (everything to do with it)
  • paddling (everything to do with it)
  • pain (everything to do with it)
  • pantyhose/stockings (wearing)
  • percussion play (everything to do with it) *
  • piercings (everything to do with it)
  • pinching (everything to do with it)
  • play piercing (everything to do with it) *
  • porn (everything to do with it)
  • power exchange(everything to do with it)
  • pro domme (giving)
  • public play (everything to do with it)
  • pussy worship (everything to do with it)
  • restraints (everything to do with it) *
  • riding crops (receiving) *
  • rituals (everything to do with it) *
  • role play (everything to do with it)
  • rope bondage/suspension (everything to do with it)
  • rubber (wearing)
  • sadism(everything to do with it)
  • sadomasochism (everything to do with it)
  • scarification(receiving)
  • sensation play (everything to do with it) *
  • sensory deprivation(everything to do with it)
  • sensual/slave dances (giving)
  • service-oriented submission (everything to do with it)
  • shibari (everything to do with it)
  • slavery(everything to do with it)
  • smoking (everything to do with it)
  • speech restriction(everything to do with it) *
  • spreader bars (everything to do with it)
  • stockings(wearing)
  • strap-ons (wearing)
  • submission (everything to do with it)
  • subspace(everything to do with it) *
  • tantra (everything to do with it)
  • tattoos (receiving)
  • total power exchange (everything to do with it)
  • toy making (everything to do with it)
  • toys (everything to do with it)
  • uniforms (everything to do with it)
  • voyeurism(everything to do with it)
  • wartenberg pinwheels (everything to do with it)
  • water bondage (receiving)
  • webcams (everything to do with it)
  • whipping(everything to do with it) *
  • whips (everything to do with it)
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My 2013 Blogging-Type Goals


Blogging Goals 2013

Blogging Goals 2013

I’m not sure how much I’ve actually told you about this challenge that I’m doing – and at the moment, I’m the only one doing it but that’s okay, I’ll make it work. So tonight, not only am I going to tell you more about the challenge, but I’m also going to use TODAY’S INSPIRATION to write my own post. I’ve been semi-working on this list for month’s, but have been being an incredibly annoying perfectionist about it, so today, I’m throwing that out…

I’m not going to go into great detail about The Blog Everyday Challenge, because I’ve written about it pretty much everywhere you could imagine and because it’s title is pretty self-explanatory. You blog, every single day, for however long you want to set your goal to blog for is – could be days, weeks, months and even years. Our mission is to support you on that journey!

By joining our official group on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, you’ll get support and encouragement to keep you blogging everyday and you’ll also get to meet up with some great adult bloggers. But even if you’re not an adult blogger and still want to join in, we’ve got you covered.

There are even brand new products in the Blog-A-Holic Designs shop so that you can motivate yourself to keep blogging when the going gets tough and even products that you can customize to promote your blog (and the fact that you’re doing this challenge). I’ve been posting about that everywhere too, so I’m not going to say anymore about that…

So, that brings me to my very first goal. I really want to blog every single day for an entire year. So, my plan is to blog daily right here on The Rantings, and while I can’t guarantee what the ratio of adult posts to non-adult posts will be, I’m hoping that it will generally stick around even.

Some of my many other blogging-related/online/technology-type goals this year include:

  • Finish and post the second installment of 100+ Sexual Bucket List Ideas
  • Finish and post piece on different ways to communicate about using your sexual bucket list with your partner
  • Begin commenting on my reader’s blogs more often (because I always mean to and then always cower shamelessly in the internet corner)
  • Post at least 3 times a week to the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous blog
  • Post to The Blog Everyday Challenge group(s) every single day, come rain or shine, sickness or health!
  • Post a video to Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous at least twice a week
  • Actually go through all my FetLife groups, ideally on a daily basis, but even once a week will be better than what I’m doing right now…
  • Post to Updates from the Head Blog-A-Holic at least twice a week
  • Add new products to Blog-A-Holic Designs at least once a week, which includes promoting said products on Tumblr blog
  • Actually start going through my drafts (on all the blogs…) and start finishing and publishing the pieces
  • Learn how to create an application for devices – just because I want to!
  • Step up my social networking game… This one requires quite a bit, but a couple of things that I vow to absolutely do this year:
    • Post every day to my personal Facebook page. It already streams my blog posts there and it shows stuff from the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Tumblr blog twice a day, but I’d really like to start putting my own posts up there. Ideally, I’d use Facebook notes to kind of do a daily update about all the stuff I got done online that day… Here’s hoping!
    • Post every day to Twitter, at least once a day, because I’m really bad for forgetting all about Twitter
    • Start posting and using my YouTube accounts, both my personal and Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous one. One day, the LBA one will include uploaded videos, but at this point, I just don’t have time to focus on it. It’s something that is in the very early planning phases…
  • Figure out the one and only system that I’m going to use to curate content (ie. Digg, Delicious, Diigo, Bit.ly), because right now I seem to use a whole bunch of different things and it’s just not working out to my advantage at all…

I know that more will come to me the more I think about it, but I think this is looking like a pretty hefty list already. I guess another goal we can add to this, is to upgrade Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. I had planned to do this before the New Year, but life kept getting in the way of that goal, so I don’t want to make any promises… But I really want to allow people video uploading and a video chat room (personally, I really want the chatroom, my members apparently want the video uploading).

So now, what are your blogging goals for 2013? Do you typically set goals for your blog, or is this your first time? 


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I Feel S**tty, Oh So S**tty…


Today, I am feeling like a shitty person. Just all around like every move I make is the wrong one. I woke up this morning with the kids to get them ready for school. I felt like I could’ve stayed up, but The Boyfriend was home and looked so comfy and warm that I crawled in next to him and proceeded to sleep half the day away…

Waking up by this point was easy, but my desire to do anything has been gone all day. I got none of the cleaning done that I had hoped to do today and I’ve felt overly stressed out for no apparent reason. Then, Kaeidyn and Kenzie came home from school.

Immediately, all the kids are out of control. It feels like every second someone is getting in trouble. After everyone’s fed, The Boyfriend and I finally get beyond annoyed with not being listened to and send Kenzie and Keirnan upstairs for an early bedtime. I am consumed with guilt because they’ve been so terrible that they are now missing their Christmas concert. They were warned that if they kept it up they wouldn’t be going…

Alas, I still feel like the worst mom in the world. Because really, I didn’t want to go in the first place and I’m halfway grateful that the boys were so rotten… It saves me from having to do something I was dreading and isn’t that just horrible?…

So now, I’m sitting here desperately trying to keep myself from thinking too much about anything because I just feel like everything I do is crappy… I suck and I hate thinking about that…

In other, completely unrelated news, I got the most interesting request today. A message on FetLife about my past erotica writing and this person that I’m chatting with asks if I would write a story with them in it. I had never even considered this as an option but now that it’s been presented to me, I’m incredibly intrigued and think I might give it a serious go. Should be interesting!

Well, back to keeping my mind occupied…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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The Natural Progression Of It All


I’ve been talking to a new person on FetLife who has me answering a lot of questions about my interests in BDSM and I realized, just now, that I’ve been totally neglecting my desires in that area. I’ve been completely and one hundred percent ignoring that part of me. I know now that when The Boyfriend spanks me playfully during dinner making or cleaning, that it is nothing but an non-erotic tease, and I have just come to accept that. And it saddens me when I think about it.

I remember so vividly (especially being that I just read through my old blog a couple days ago…), a time when I used to be so much closer to kink. When the idea of not getting it was an all-consuming fear that I worked hard to ensure wouldn’t happen. Where did my passion for kink go? When did I become okay with having nothing but vanilla sex, unless you’re like me and count one time of anal as kinky sex…?

When did I become so damn complacent about my own kinky happiness?

I don’t know when it happened, and I don’t know why it happened, but I think subconsciously, I gave The Boyfriend permission to stop being interested, somewhere along the line. I mean yes, he stopped showing interest all on his own, but I never explored that sudden lack and I never pushed for anything different. The most I’ve done is complained about how I used to get it and how I don’t anymore.

He seems so much less receptive to the entire concept of it than he used to be. Albeit, I was able to sucker him into watching a bdsm-esque porn the other night, he didn’t seem like he cared at all about what was on. The sex afterwards was also surprisingly gentle for the rough sex we had just watched moments before. It’s just odd to me how different it is.

He compensates for the lack of kink with this undying love and affection towards me, which half the time I truly believe he’s faking, even though I’ve never seen one iota of an indication that that’s what it is. He is, in all aspects and facets of what I know of him, completely sincere. Like today…

I’m making dinner, as usual, and for some reason whenever he sticks around with me out there, I feel much more passionate than I normally would. I tend to feel more confident, even though I normally look rather drab. I’m playful when I’m making dinner and enjoy things like play fighting or being cheeky. Don’t ask me why, it’s just a thing. And as we’re playing around out there, he won’t stop saying he loves me. It seemed like every time I laughed, every time I flinched, every time I punched him, an I love you would escape his lips.

Instead of being happy, instead of saying I love you back one hundred times, I kept saying, “What did you do wrong?”, as if you have to do something wrong to be in love with me. Then again, he was getting pretty repetitive. Then, I ask him to tell me something interesting, and he goes, “You’re beautiful”, to which I of course, roll my eyes. Then, “I was going to save this for later, but you are officially the longest I’ve ever been in a relationship” and I was like “Awe!! That’s so cute!”

He hasn’t been mushy like that in a while and I forgot how much I had missed it. I remember that he used to be so cheesy with his one-liners. Cheesy and way kinkier… Where did all of that go for us? Is that just the natural progression of the long-term relationship? And if it is, am I okay with that?

NOTE: This post was originally written over a month ago. Some of these thoughts have now changed.

This post is intended for adults 18+


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FetLife FAQ’s = Good Reads


Don’t ask me why, but today, I decided to check out the frequently asked questions on FetLife. I’ve browsed these in the past, when I first joined FetLife and they hadn’t become the site they are today.

Continue reading

This post is intended for adults 18+


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What do you do?


 

What do you do when you can’t get what you want sexually, because your partner is not interested?

This whole lack of kinkiness thing is starting to drive me absolutely nuts. I do fine for so long and then wham! It really starts to bring me down, because I was so darn close and now it seems like it’s never ever going to happen and I didn’t exactly sign on to that. He used to show some sort of interest, somewhere a long the line, and now there is absolutely no interest.

I used to push for the interest and I’d constantly bug him to show some interest and when that didn’t work, I stopped pushing. Then I got pregnant, and it seemed like the interest came on very naturally for him. I was getting spankings at least once a week, we were going to munches, he would actually watch YouTube videos with me about rope tying and things like that and though it still wasn’t exactly what I want, it was a hell of a lot closer. Then baby was born and the interest went completely out the window.

The last time I had any sort of spanking was a few weeks back and that was one playful and hard smack on the ass. That was it. I’m not complaining about the sex itself, because the sex lately has been out of this world good. But I’ve gotten no kink whatsoever and it’s just kind of driving me insane. It would all be so different if things weren’t the way that they were…

He’s begun reading Sadopaeidia, one of my erotic novels, on a regular basis. Lots of spanking and whipping in that book. Then we’ve been watching porn a lot lately and even though it’s more vanilla Hustler porn, it’s got tons of spanking in it. I wouldn’t say anything if he were turned off by that stuff while he was reading and watching, then I would totally believe that he has no interest whatsoever. But it’s not like he’s turned off by it, instead it seems to keep him going.

I just don’t understand why he can fantasize about kink, but when there is a willing subject begging right in front of him, he can’t act on it. I miss the days when I would say I want a flogging or a cropping, and then I would get it. I miss the days of seriously talking about things like domestic discipline and possible punishments and rewards. I miss the days of feeling like anything kinky was even slightly a possibility.

And I understand completely that to him, there are things that stand in the way. Mostly kid-related stuff. By the time all of them are asleep, one of the last thing on our minds is sex of any kind. Most of the time, we both just want to veg and get ready for bed. Another hinderance is the volume of things. While I am much quieter during a spanking than I am sex, the slapping sound does tend to wake sleeping ones. Not only does a 4-year-old walking in on a spanking session totally ruin the moment, but it’s a pain in the ass to explain why Daddy is hurting Mommy…

We’re also both so exhausted and overwhelmed all the time that it’s a wonder I get laid at all… I just wish there could be some sort of interest. A few weeks back, I stayed on FetLife for over two hours because they were streaming the MorpheusBondageExtravaganza Live. Tons of rigging and rope work were involved and The Boyfriend knows that it really interests me. Not once did he willingly look over to my computer screen to see what I was watching and it took multiple times of trying to get his attention to make him watch at all. His interest in the whole thing is just not there, the way it used to be.

And if I weren’t so uncomfortable with the idea of cheating on him, I’d be totally down to do it, just to be able to get at least a little kinky release. It’s not even a sex thing for me (although, I like it more when that follows a session…), it’s a total mental thing for me, a physical thing sure, but sexual – only with him… I’ve even tried asking about the possibility of me seeking out a female to play with, that way there’s no jealousy about another guy. I’ve even said that it could be completely non-sexual, though getting him to believe that is next to impossible. His answer is always that he doesn’t want to share. Which I’d be completely fine with if I was getting something at home…

It just sucks that 2 years ago, I had weekly spankings and he encouraged me to buy a flogger and we were going to munches and now, I haven’t gotten a real spanking in… I don’t even want to try to figure out how long it has been… My flogger sits unused, and for the longest time it was completely lost (which I still think he did intentionally…) and we haven’t been to any kink-related events in almost a year, even though I keep planning to go to one every month…

It’s just a little bit disheartening and it makes me sad when I think about it too much. I have been interested in the “lifestyle” for too long now without getting any real experience. 11 years ago, when I first started getting interested in BDSM, I didn’t expect that this long later, I would still be able to say that I’ve never had my pain threshold crossed, or that I’ve never had an over-the-knee spanking, or that none of my kinks are getting acted out. Sometimes it just sucks and I have no idea what to do about it.

It’s all so complicated and I hate it!