The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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I Wish I Was Special


Part of my goals for 2011 is to start uploading videos to YouTube once a week. So far, I’ve done pretty darn good. Now, I just gotta hurry up and get another one out there.

This week, I’m bringing you my cover of Radiohead’s “Creep”. I got my tabs at Ultimate Guitar – as always. Don’t hesitate to comment, like and subscribe by visiting my YouTube channel.

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Cross Your Fingers


So today ended up being a pretty exciting day, and it’s only 10:30 AM! Let me explain. First, I saw an ad in the paper for a job that I would love to have, so on a whim, I sent off my resume and went for an interview. I’m sure I didn’t get the job as a medical transcriptionist, which only sucks because it’s something he was willing to let the right person do at home, which would be absolutely perfect for me.

I was a little down and out about it, but nothing major. Then, I got a letter in the mail saying that the largest portion of my monthly income is going to be gone in 2 months. Needless to say, I’m panicking about getting a job in time.

But looking for a job is just a hugely depressing thing. Stressful, annoying, irritating, you name the negative emotion, I feel it towards job searching. I’ve really never seriously worked, to be completely honest. Yes, I’ve had jobs, but nothing I was ever serious or dedicated to. Nothing that really gave me any skills or qualifications and most of my jobs were rather short-term.

My first job, McDonald’s at the age of 16, was the only job I ever really loved. I worked with a really amazing team, I got some awesome training and I really felt like I was going somewhere. Then we had to move, so it ended up being a really short-lived job. I didn’t work again until I got pregnant with Kaeidyn.

Two jobs during the course of pregnancy with her, McDonald’s and Western Inventory Services. I know, it’s totally ironic that I’ve worked 2 inventory jobs even though I suck with numbers! McDonald’s the second time really sucked. It was a horrible job, with a horrible team and a horrible environment. WIS was a good job, but the travel was too much for me, and the quitting point was landing myself in the hospital. I didn’t work again until after Kenzie was born.

Working as a Karaoke/Name That Tune Hostess/DJ was an incredible experience. It paid pretty decently too, though not a job to rely on for rent. I would probably still be doing it if it weren’t for the fact that you can’t haul speakers and equipment around with you on the bus! Transportation made the job impossible.

My longest lasting job was when my Mom and Aunt worked at the Red Deer Traveler’s Inn and I got a job there because of that. It was a good job, though not altogether satisfying. I made pretty good money, and it was a nice place to work. But again, none of these jobs really provided me with any significant skills or qualifications. So job searching is really daunting for me with my pathetic job history and lack of skills.

This morning, as I’m searching around on the internet for various jobs, my lack of skills and lack of high school completion, just kept laughing at me. Literally pointing it’s finger and laughing. But then the phone rang…

Finally, all this employment counseling feels like it’s in some way paying off. We’ve been discussing this Work Placement Training program for months now. It’s a generally new program where the government will reimburse employers up to 70% of an un-skilled workers wages, in place of on-the-job training. The counselors keep saying that it’s perfect for me, since I have no discernible skills to speak of. For me, it sounds like an exciting opportunity. Up until today, it seemed like it was never going to happen.

So now, my resume is being forwarded to an employer who is interested in the Work Placement Training program. It sounds like it would be a fun job for the most part, and I’m hoping I’ll at least get an interview. Really, any of the jobs that I’ve applied to in the last couple of days getting back to me for an interview would be nice.

My biggest worry about going back to work is babysitters. If we lived closer to The Boyfriend’s sister, it wouldn’t be a problem. She’s always the first one to offer babysitting. But we don’t live very close to her and I would have to bus it to her place and then to work, with all 3 or 4 of the kids, depending on the day and whether or not there’s school. The only other person I have to babysit is my Mom, but I don’t want to rely on her. She’s got her own life to live, and didn’t sign on to be my perpetual babysitter. Though she’s agreed to do it for the time being if we need.

Ugh… It’s just so much more work than I’m prepared for. But, I gotta do what I gotta do. And even when I feel like I can’t, somehow I always seem to be able to pull that off. Let’s just cross our fingers that I get a good job that I really enjoy and that everything else will just work itself out.


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My Poor Kaeidyn


A few days ago, Kaeidyn started getting a cough. It lasted for about a day and a half and then she stopped coughing and stopped acting sick at all. A couple days passed, and yesterday, she was the sickest she’s been in years.

She spent almost the whole day lazing about and being super cuddly, something that is pretty rare for her. She had a fever and has a really bad cough. She was so pale and fragile looking. Needless to say, it was a pretty restless sleep with her last night.

First, I moved her from my bed back into her own and ended up having to lay with her for a bit so that she’d fall back asleep. She was so worried about her coughs keeping her up. Then constantly throughout the night, she kept coming into my room asking if she could crawl into bed with me. Eventually I gave and said yes.

Then she started complaining about her stomach. I fell asleep rubbing her stomach and every so often she’d wake up saying that she hadn’t slept or that she wasn’t going to get any sleep. Every time, she’d fall back asleep.

By 7:30 this morning, I had Kaeidyn and Keirnan at my feet and Kenzie and Keirnan up beside me. They let me sleep until 9 AM, so it ended up working out in my favor. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I slept at all! Though apparently, that’s not something new for me.

This entire week has felt like I’ve gotten no sleep. I wake up extremely exhausted, most mornings I end up dozing off in the chair while the kids watch a movie. Everyone just keeps telling me to exercise, and that is becoming annoying.

Yesterday, I got an “Are you pregnant!!!!?” from my aunt that I haven’t seen in awhile, I’ve set out a bunch of goals regarding my health and every single day, it just doesn’t happen. I keep saying “There’s always tomorrow”, and apparently that’s just biting me in the ass.

The exercise thing is only annoying because if it were that simple, don’t you think I’d be doing it? My biggest worry is the pain. Could you imagine me “marching in place” or even worse squats?!?!? My knees are bad, my back is bad, my hands are bad. Everything I do seems to cause me pain, even something as simple as washing the dishes.

The other night I was only able to get half an hour of guitar in before my hands cramped up so bad. I couldn’t even type – and we all know how upset I get when I can’t type… I haven’t started taking my meds again yet, maybe I should. I just hate how something like exercise seems so daunting to me because I’m completely worried about the pain I’m going to be in. And I also know that there’s a good chance the exercise will eventually help the pain I’m in, but I don’t want to wait for eventually and have to go through all the pain in the process. Argh…


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Long Time, No Sing


So it’s been a really long time since I posted any of my songs. And since I deleted my old Google account, and created a new YouTube account, I’ve uploaded 4 songs and haven’t posted a single one on here.

I’m sad tonight after my half an hour session tonight (half an hour less than I usually do), because my hands started to cramp up so bad. But here’s a song a recorded awhile back. I dedicate it to my Mom, and my Grandma, because it was played at Grandma’s funeral and holds a big weight in this family.

I present to you, my traditional remix of Amazing Grace. And for anyone interested, here’s the chords/tabs for Amazing Grace.


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Finally Vulnerable


Well, we finally got the last season of Gilmore Girls. It only took 3 years, but I now officially own Seasons 1 through 7. Albeit, Season 1 &  2 are mostly scratched and ruined, but it’s all good. I’m loving that we have one of my favorite TV shows of all time on DVD. I can just pop it in whenever I want and get my fix. Next, I think we’ll be working on either ER or Queer as Folk.

Last night, was by far one of my most favorite sex nights. I have been begging for a cropping for literally months now. So darn long actually, that I had gotten to the point where I didn’t want a cropping. Just not worth the effort. But I was determined that we were going to have sex. I had bathed and everything for it.

So when we got into bed, I asked if he’d like to handcuff me tonight. We’ve got those really cheapy furry handcuffs, that we got from someone else, and they’ve just been sitting in a box beside my bed for months. Well, let me tell  you, I am so glad that we finally pulled them out. So glad!

I finally got oral sex. So long I’ve been waiting. He put my hands up above my head and fastened the black cuffs around my wrists. I even showed off my boobs last night, which is something that almost never happens. YAY for my “Not a Morning Person” tank top (which by the way, is so true!). Then, he asked if he could eat me out. Which I personally love, asking for it. I’m really an “only if I’ve just showered or bathed” kind of girl. I want to be fully present in that moment, and I can’t when I’m worried about whether I’ve shaved recently or if there’s a *shudders* smell.

But last night, no worries. He listened to me! the last time we talked about oral, and I was saying that I loved giving head for the simple fact that you can play. You can play with your tongue and your lips, and just totally give blissful and playful head. But when a guy eats you out, it’s like the mission is orgasm. It’s get in there and get it done. I’ve never met a guy who was willing to just stay down there for an hour and play, and that’s a shame. Well, I’m happy to report that his listening resulted in a little bit more play than usual. Then after playing, came the turned off vibrator (my favorite one) inside and the frantic licking and sucking playfulness of his tongue. Needles to say, it took me almost no time at all to cum, I had to force myself to take as long as I did.

Even though the cuffs were still on, I still felt very much in control of the situation. Then the sex came. At first my legs were down beside him, but then they were lifted above my head and I knew he was going to go deep, and sure enough, deep he went. Normally, I have the ability to stop if he goes too deep. Normally, I just reach up and pull his hair and he knows to back off a little bit (note our silent communication. That’s so hot!). Last night, I couldn’t pull his hair. He did marvelously not going to deep, but I just kept thinking, “I can’t pull his hair!”

I can remember a long time ago writing about wanting to feel vulnerable. And I did and it was wonderful. As he came, I was overwhelmed with the sense of it. My hands pulled against the handcuffs and I felt their cheap metal rubbing my skin, I felt the muscles in my stomach and legs tense up, and he looked simply stunning to me. He pulled back and immediately undid the handcuffs as I tried to catch my breath and put the entire situation into perspective. The feeling of the cuffs coming off was honestly the most intense part. It felt like release.


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Or Something…


Don’t ask me why, because I’m not sure, but I just feel like today has been a big disappointing failure. Even though we got a ton of cleaning done, and watched another disc of Gilmore Girls and saw my brother (who, have I mentioned, is doing wonderfully since I last wrote about it. I’m so proud of him!), I just feel like today was a fail. I had all these plans to get stuff done online today and I didn’t. Instead I messaged an old friend who is starting her own website.

I checked out her website, and loved the concept of it, but had a few suggestions. I’ve never made suggestions on any website, and I was a little hesitant about it, but then I thought about what I know and what I could see improving on the site, and about how much I love getting feedback from my readers. It’s still in what I call pre-launch stage, so I figured it would be the perfect time. People shouldn’t post things like “leave us your feedback” if they’re just going to blow you off when you give it. Not that she really blew me off. I guess I’m just being sensitive about it.

I feel down that other people can make friends online and get advice about all the hard work they put into their online world. I feel sad that I have no one to bounce my online ideas off of. I hate that I’m not a part of something, that 100 views is a huge deal to me. And yet I can’t even carry on an online friendship with anyone. My social life sucks!

Then the kids got home today, and I was so happy to see them. But Keirnan had a pull-up on, which I really hate and the kids kept telling me that they stay up until their Dad gets home (at 2 AM), and that they don’t really spend anytime with him since he’s always at work. So, I was automatically angry and kept saying, “These weekends have to end”. My mind is just spinning with the whole idea of not letting them go there anymore, but at the same time thinking that I’ll be robbing them of something.

I was always angry with my Mom that she made it so hard for my Dad. Looking back on it all now, I know she was just doing it to keep us safe and protected. I know that he could’ve put more effort into simply following the few rules she laid out, and I know that he could’ve tried to understand where my protective mother was coming from. But, I always always wonder if she hadn’t have done all that protecting, would my Dad and I have a better relationship? I don’t want to rob my kids of having the best possible relationship with their Dad, even if I don’t think it’s necessarily good for them…

The worst part is, we had a really seriously screwed up relationship, the kids Dad and I. I don’t know if my judgement is blurred on everything. I go to the people in my life, who have seen what I went through, and they automatically say things like “follow your gut” or “don’t let it happen” or “keep the kids away from them”, but I don’t trust their judgement either. They were hurt via my hurt, and the kids shouldn’t be robbed of their Dad because we’re hurt… I just keep arguing with myself.

The next worst part is that he knows me. He knows I can’t stick to my gut when I feel guilty. He also hung over my head for years that I was “taking” his kids away from him. And that brings out so much guilt. He knows if he plays his cards right, I’ll bend and fold on anything, just like I did with my rule of the kids not going up there when he had to work.

At first, it was only excused because it was Christmas. I don’t do anything for Christmas. I don’t hang decorations, I only buy presents because I have to, I don’t do dinner or cookies. Last year, my family, his family and The Boyfriend’s family all had to talk me into putting up a tree, because it’s just not something I do. I’m too bah humbug at Christmas to celebrate it. His family on the other hand, does a huge Christmas thing. Dinner with all the trimmings, decorations galore, family and friends, hundreds of dollars on gifts. Christmas is good there. I excused the fact that he worked almost the entire time, because I knew the kids would be occupied with all the fun of Christmas there.

But now, it’s still happening. And I imagine, he’s not going to just stop. He’s going to keep going and keep calling and asking if he can have them even if he knows he works. I bet he’ll even lie, or at least leave out the part about him having to work. Or Keirnan and coming home in pull-ups. That one seriously bugs me. He’s potty-trained, he’s a big boy. He doesn’t need pull-ups!

The topper of the cake though, was when one of the kids found a book that I had gotten a really long time ago. It was right after I got out of Ponoka and everyone was all worried that he would take me to court and try to take the kids away. Because he said he would… “The Effective Parent”. I went through so much to be able to prove that I was the best parent for the kids. I jumped through hoops, went to workshops and courses, saw therapists and counselors. The entire book just made me argue even more with myself about the whole thing. I’m not even sure what the argument is anymore…

I just feel down and out tonight. Just straight up, bummed out. I need to call my landlord tomorrow to fix my toilet so that I can take a bath… Yes, the two are somehow connected. To top it all off, I have an appointment tomorrow and I have no idea at what time. Plus, Keirnan is supposed to go get all his teeth work done in a couple days and I haven’t prepared for it all. We don’t have yogurt or ice cream or pudding, and I need to get the kids Dad to talk to his step-mom because she’s offered to pay for it. So on top of being bummed out, I’m stressed out…


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Epic Fail


So, as some of you may already know, I started a new blog. I know, I don’t need another one, but this one is specifically for my 2011 goals. I’ve been setting goals like crazy though have only completed one. Check it out and see what you can do to help.

I’ve been saying I was going to get some cleaning done over the last couple of days, and while I did clean the living room a little bit yesterday, I have not gotten up off my butt in awhile. The kids have been gone (a day longer than they were supposed to be), Carter’s been making messes left and right, and I’ve been sore and tired. I’m very mad at myself for not at least doing dishes or cleaning the living room or something!

Too make matters worst, the boys put soap down the toilet and now we can’t get it to stop overflowing. Not even overflowing, just filling up to the top. Hopefully, I’ll remember to call my landlord about it. Though I just seriously hate bothering him. If I paid my rent on time every single month, and the house was still in the same condition it was when I moved into it, it probably wouldn’t bother me so much. But with all those factors, plus my constant not wanting to be a burden for anyone, it makes it hard to just call him!

I was pretty pissed off last night, and probably will be at some point rather soon again today. The kids were supposed to be dropped off after dinner last night so that Kaeidyn could go to school in the morning. Around 8 PM, I got a call from their Grandma asking if they could stay another night. “Kaeidyn can go to school in the afternoon”, as if it’s her decision or something.

I keep trying to set out rules and guidelines for the kids going to Fort Saskatchewan to see their Dad and it’s as if nothing I say matter. None of his side of the family has any respect for me and it totally pisses me off. When I say they can’t come out there because he’s working, that should just be the way it is. There shouldn’t be any arguing. There shouldn’t be any questioning of the authority that I’ve rightfully earned. And when it’s said that they should be home Sunday night, they should be home Sunday night, not Monday whenever they get around to leaving. F.Y.I – It is now 12:00 PM and no word from the kids. Looks like Kaeidyn won’t be going to school this afternoon after all.

You know what though, just the general lack of respect I’m feeling lately sucks. The other day, I got in a huge online fight with my horrible and evil step-mother who I haven’t talked to in forever. I don’t know what her problem is with me. She had commented on two pictures of the kids and a picture of my Mom. Deleted the comments on the pictures of the kids and called my Mom a whole bunch of horrible things.

I messaged her and basically told her to stop creeping my Facebook via my sisters Facebook (since I haven’t had her on my Facebook since my 22nd birthday, when she messaged the kids’ Dad and told him she would do whatever it took to help him get custody of the kids). She wrote back that I was a useless cunt and an ungrateful piece of shit and all this other crap, and then proceeded to tell me that every person that she knows that I know, says the same thing.

It’s like last year some time when I posted a status on Facebook about wanting to become a sex toy reviewer, and my sister commented on it and next thing you know my step-mother is posting about how I should attempt to “get a real job, you know, one where your kids could be proud of you!” She’s been doing this for so many years that you’d think it wouldn’t phase me anymore. But I can’t stand it. She’s so freaking nice to my brother and sister, and she’s horrible to me and I don’t get it.

My Dad likes to tell me it’s because of all the “attitude” I gave them when my Mom shipped me off to live with my Dad for 2 months. Of course I had attitude. My entire family voted that I go live with my Dad, I was in a serious relationship that suddenly turned long-distance against my will, I was thrown into a new school where I knew no one and I had to live my Dad, who I hardly know at all! If I didn’t have some sort of “attitude”, it would be strange and weird and that would be the point that maybe I should see a doctor! I was angry and hurt, and apparently that justifies making my life hell!!

The worst part about the whole thing is that I feel mad at my sister. I hate that I feel mad at her for doing absolutely nothing. But I’ve taken extraordinary steps to remove my step-mother from my life completely. I haven’t seen her in years, I even got up the courage to tell my Dad she’s not welcome anywhere near my house (part of the reason why he never comes to see me anymore –  oh and because I went to a munch, I’m disgusting!). The only thing standing in my way of completely eradicating her from my life is the fact that my sister talks to her on a regular basis on Facebook and has her as a friend, and the fact that her and the kids Dad’s step-mom are in cahoots. I’m mad at my sister for still having her as a friend on Facebook,  I know it’s totally immature.

I didn’t mean to go off so much about that, and sorry if it’s kind of un-understandable. I just started writing, was in the flow of the moment. Needless to say, I’m mad at a whole bunch of people, I’m mad at myself, and I have so much cleaning to do! How was your week?