The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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If I Could Cry…

Today was a beyond crappy day at work. I can’t even truly say that, because it started out really great. We were all joking around and having a great time, I was getting tons of stuff checked off my growing to-do list and I was even voicing ideas that will help everyone out in the long run. Then 2:30 hit…

We’ve had some issues with tenants using their furnace rooms as storage rooms. It makes where we can’t check the furnace for last cleaned dates, which are pretty important. So we needed to figure out what exactly the regulations on furnace rooms were, so a call needed to be made.

Well, I’m looking through the phone book and except for 9-1-1, I couldn’t find anything that even slightly resembled a fire department. So I asked my boss if she could find it and she gave a good look and couldn’t find it either. While I did do some searching on the internet for what the regulations were, we needed to confirm it, from an actual human.

So my boss goes and tells me to ask the main boss lady for her contact number for the fire department. I go and ask her and in a snippy voice, she tells me “You can find that number in the phone book, you don’t need my contact!”. I was automatically angered. I just kept thinking, “Do you seriously think I wouldn’t have tried that option first?!?” So she picks up her phone book and begins looking and can’t find the number either… I told ya so!

She gives me her number for her contact, but I didn’t want to call him just in case it was just his cellphone or something like that. Again, I jumped on Google and found the number. So I call and they pass me off to another person, and that person tells me to call another person. But when I called that person, they were not the person I was supposed to be calling. Instead it was a foreign woman who snapped at me for calling her. I said that to my boss and in a snippy voice she said to me that I probably wrote the number down wrong – as if I’m known for doing that or something… ARGH!

I got it figured out, not with the help of anyone in that office. Instead I emailed the Fire Department (which apparently isn’t called the Fire Department), and within minutes got a call back. Fire guy says to me that it is absolutely not allowed to have anything in the furnace room unless it is directly for the furnace (filters, etc.). I relay this to my boss and I get an argument. “I could’ve sworn it was 3 feet of clearance. Does it even apply when the furnace is under the stairs?”

I just kept thinking, “If you want to know this shit and you don’t trust what I’m saying, then you fucking call!”, but of course, I can’t say that shit. So I shut my mouth and went back to my work, while the boss called her boyfriend to make sure it was all legally sound. It just made me really flipping angry.

Another thing that’s really bugging me is that they all come to me for shit, even though I don’t think I know that job very well and I make that very clear. I covered reception while we tried to hire on a new receptionist after our original one quit, I go above and beyond in the maintenance department to make both tenant and owner as happy as possible, and I feel like I’m doing a whole heck of a lot there. And yet I’m getting paid far less than everyone else, even though I was told I would be getting a raise. Months ago…

I feel like no one respects me there, and I feel like it doesn’t matter how much effort I put into this job, no one will ever respect me there. They are just not that kind of people. And every time I begin to think that I’m earning a little bit of respect, shit like today happens. And I come home and I wonder why I’m wasting all my time working so hard at a job, where they don’t even care if I’m there or not. Where what I do doesn’t seem to matter at all. It just seriously sucks.

Then my Mom is constantly getting on my case about getting her paid. I feel for her, I really do and I would love to get her paid. But it’s not as simple as one phone call and she gets paid. I need to get so much paperwork saying that the kids are actually mine and they actually live with me. Birth certificates, health cards, and tons of other stuff. My Mom seems to think that if I just get the health cars, it’ll all be solved, even though I’ve told her that it won’t, because I still need to get all the other paperwork.

Things like birth certificates need to wait. They just have to. Because I don’t have ANY money to put on that stuff. As it is, I’m almost a month behind on rent (again!), I have no hot water and haven’t for months, we just got the phone disconnected and after that it will be the internet and the electricity. I just simply do not have the money to put on the birth certificates. There is no point in me rushing around to get health cards when I can’t get the other papers right now to be able to get her paid.

On top of that, I was reading through the stuff on the website and without knowing their health card numbers off by heart (which I totally don’t…), I need to have birth certificates for them, which I can’t get. So she left here all in a huff today, which just made the whole day that much worse for me.

It just makes me want to quit my job that much more. I want to quit my job because frankly, my job SUCKS! But I also want to quit it so that I don’t have to worry about how paying my Mom is going to work. She won’t have to try to get a job around my schedule and can instead do it on her own. But at the same time, the chances of me earning the wage that I’m earning now, with my limited experience and horrible work history, is pretty darn low, so it makes me not want to quit my job. It is making me so bitchy stressing out about all these things.

Add in the fact that I’ve got 4 kids that I can barely manage and a house that I can hardly keep (in the sense of housekeeping – keeping it clean and maintained), I am just so burnt out and overwhelmed. If I could cry, I would, but I can’t, so I won’t… That is all!

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Happy Birthday Monkey!

It’s hard to believe that it’s been four years since Keirnan was born. It’s also hard to believe how little I remember from when he was first born. I remember him being so tiny, and I remember desperately wanting to name him Monkey, because that’s what he looked like. I remember being sad that he had to stay in the hospital for a month, but I remember being relieved that he didn’t have to come home to a hotel room.

This is a busy time of year for us. Two weeks from now is Kaeidyn’s birthday, then it’s the fourth anniversary of me living in this house and then it’s Carter’s birthday. After that comes Halloween and my birthday and then Christmas. By January, I’m going to be exhausted!!!


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All Work and All Play

I feel kind of bad… I’ve completely neglected my computer for two whole days. I haven’t checked my Twitter or my Facebook, I’ve done absolutely no work on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous and I haven’t even played any computer games!!

The other day, The Boyfriend asked if we could get him StarCraft. Well, I went out to get the kids stuff for school, and got him StarCraft at the same time. So I came home with stuff for him and even stuff for kids, plus a ton of groceries of foods I know they all enjoy. Nothing really for myself.

The next day, The Boyfriend comes home from work with two movies. Both of these movies I don’t really care to see, I’ll probably enjoy watching them, but wouldn’t go out of my way to see them. So I was a little disappointed, but then…

He pulled The Sims 3 out of a bag. I’ve wanted this game for quite awhile and could just never really justify getting it. I tend to rarely play video games, preferring to be on my computer, so I just never got it. But now I do and I have to admit I’m a little bit hooked.

I spent almost 16 hours on the poor XBOX, playing the heck out of the game. Mostly learning to build houses. I think the house that I have right now absolutely rocks! I’m letting The Boyfriend play now, and it’s the first chance he’s had since he got me the game.

Somehow, even though I’ve been playing all day, we ended up getting a TON of cleaning done today. I had mentioned it last night, and normally that means that we probably won’t do it the next day. But I was insistent. We cleaned under the furniture in the living room, finally cleaned under the desk and The Boyfriend has even got a good bit of laundry done.

The kitchen was a group effort, so I did the dishes while he swept the floor and then we had cinnamon pancakes for dinner, which is always fun. The kids love getting “snow” (icing sugar) on their pancakes and I love that I’ve finally figured out the perfect amount of syrup, so that they can still taste it, but not so much that they get completely sticky!

Kaeidyn and Kenzie are both officially in school and so far that’s being interesting. We’ve created a special spot just for their school papers, and I’m hoping that this year, we can actually keep that up. Last year we had created a space, and then everything else just kind of got piled on top of it. This year, I hope it’s different!

In other news, my boss at work is quitting and I’m a little sad and peeved about it. Her and I have finally gotten a pretty decent flow in the office and it’ll suck to have her leave when I feel like we work so well together. She’s been a great trainer, even though it’s harder for her to focus, but it’s been a great learning experience.

I’m peeved because I figured if she was quitting, likelihood would be that they would either bring in someone else from the office to do her job, or they would ask me if I would do it, being that she’s spent the last four and a half months teaching me her job. But instead, they hired somebody else and my boss is spending the next couple of weeks training her to take over her job.

We also had our receptionist quit awhile back and have recently hired a new receptionist. Since no one’s ever been trained on being the receptionist, we’re all trying to help out everywhere, and I personally feel like a lot of it falls on my shoulders. I kind of hate it that I have all these responsibilities outside of what my actual job responsibilities are, but I don’t get to have any title other than “The Assistant”…

Well, that’s what’s new today…

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My Day Zero Project – Someday: Take a Belly Dancing Class

I’ve always been a little obsessed with belly dance. It’s such a highly sensual form of dancing. I go through bursts with my obsession with belly dance. There was a while there, where all I was doing was watching belly dancing videos and researching it. I even started doing what I called Bathroom Belly Dance.

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Coding Rant

Okay, so I taught myself HTML when I was 14. I would spend all the time that I got on the computer, teaching myself HTML. I would write it out on paper so that I could see it as a whole, I would print it off and dissect it, I would write it out and then tweak it until it was just right.

It took me quite awhile to learn HTML, but now I think I know HTML pretty darn well. There’s still certain things that I have to jump back and reference (especially anything to do with color codes…), and I wouldn’t ever try to sell my HTML services, because I don’t think it’s that good. But I think I’ve got a really well-defined grasp of the stuff. Enough that I should be able to go over and learn CSS.

For anyone who is like, “What the hell are you talking about?!?”, HTML and CSS are two types of code that determine how a website or blog look – the most basic description I know.

Hypertext Markup Language (HTML) is a markup language that describes web pages using what are called markup or HTML tags. Cascading Style Sheets (CSS) were created to fill the void that HTML left behind, the design.

HTML was never meant to take on the role of designer, and when they added the design capabilities to HTML 3.2, like font color or link color, it created more problems than it solved. For a one or two page site with very little content on it, changing font sizes or colors wasn’t very hard. But once you got into larger website development, like most of us are used to today, with ever changing content on it, having to go in and manually change those font colors or sizes was time-consuming, often costing people a lot of money, and also adding more size to the page causing it to take longer to load. CSS was created to solve these problems.

My rant is that, I can’t learn CSS. I have been trying for almost ten years and for some reason, I can’t get it to register, I can’t get it to stick. I keep reading in countless coding forums, “Just inspect the element and you should be able to pick it up”. So I spend hours going through multiple websites, inspecting the code and trying to replicate it.

I get all excited because I hop on over to my trusty W3schools website, to take my newly learnt CSS coding for a spin on the Try It! Editor. The worst part is, I can get it to work there. I can screw around with it and play with it and it still works, but the second I leave that site and try it anywhere else, I am more than confused. I can’t even figure out what it is about it that is so darn confusing for me.

I have gone through and tried to learn from just about every single angle. I want to know how to make a horizontal drop-down navigation menu (much like the one I have at the top of this blog), and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to figure out how to make it work.

I just hate when people who know CSS are like, “Oh, it’s so easy!”. It frustrates the hell out of me, because I’m like, “If it’s so easy, why can’t I learn it?”. One day, I am going to hunker down and just figure it out. Until them, I’m just going to continue being frustrated that it’s easy for others. ARGH!

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My Day Zero Project – To Do: Make a List of 20 Things I Like About Myself – Part 1

I’m going to check this one off my list right now! On my Day Zero Project, I’ve vowed to write 20 things that I like about myself. Sounds easy, right? Well, it’s not… But here goes it:

  1. I like the color of my hair
    I enjoy that it’s brown and have always been very proud of that for some reason. I like that in the summer time, my hair begins getting all sorts of colors in it. Dark brown, light brown, streaks of red and sometimes, this interesting purple color gets thrown in there. I like that I suit a lot of different hairstyles and I like how my hair feels for the most part.
  2. I like my feet
    I never really was a big fan of my feet, though always thought it was cool that I had the smallest feet out of everyone I knew. As I’ve grown a little older, I tend to like my feet a whole heck of a lot more. I’ve come to think of them as sexy and very nicely shaped. I’ve come to really enjoy the shape of my toes and with a little help from a few foot enthusiasts, I’ve become really confident about showing my feet off.
  3. I like that I’m open minded
    There aren’t many things that I will shoot down right away. I also don’t form opinions very quickly anymore. I’ve learnt that it’s not wise. I let myself be open to influences and thoughts and run with the ones that make sense to me.
  4. I like that I can play music
    I don’t know many people who have taught themselves how to play guitar and who played as many instruments as I did in high school band. Three official instruments in band and the guitar! Woo! Not only could I play the instruments, but I could sing to go a long with it and I can read sheet music and tabs. If I weren’t such a slacker, I could be a rockstar!
  5. I like the struggles I’ve overcome
    I would never say that my life was easy, and if I did, someone’s nose would be growing a few inches. It’s been a tough one and I’ve overcome a lot of hardship in my time. Let me count the ways…- I had my first kid when I was 17
    – I’ve been in two abusive relationships
    – I’ve been homeless, having to live in a hotel
    – I’ve attempted suicide twice
    – I’ve been put in a mental institution twice
    – I’ve watched my family members attempt suicide
    – I have alcoholic parents
    – I’ve had to prove I was a good parent, even before I actually had kids
  6. I like that I write
    I started my first journal when I was about 11 years old and began writing my own songs around then too. I started writing erotica when I was 14. I like that I don’t think I’m horrible at writing either, I actually think when I really focus on something, I can create some pretty awesome stuff.
  7. I like that I know HTML
    I spent countless hours learning how to write HTML. I took a few websites, read through them and taught myself how to write HTML. I know that now, that’s not really impressive and CSS is totally where it’s at, but I was 14 and didn’t know any better…
  8. I like how tall I am
    I’m not that tall. Five feet, seven inches. Yet somehow I manage to tower over just about every girl my age and most girls are only taller than me if they’re wearing heels. I’m not sure how it happens, but I’ve always liked it. I liked being the tallest one in the class and now I like that I’m about the same height as The Boyfriend.
  9. I like that I drink coffee
    Growing up, I always had a vision of myself as someone who was successful and always had a cup of coffee in their hand. Don’t ask me why success and coffee went hand-in-hand for me, but it did. If it weren’t for The Boyfriend and his insistence on getting me to drink coffee, I probably would’ve never done it. But thanks to him, I now start having minor withdrawals after one day without it!
  10. I like that I’ve learnt to control some of my more irrational emotions
    In the past, the littlest things upset me and would make me incredibly angry or sad. I was a very jealous person and was in constant need of validation. Over a very long period of time and a lot of soul searching and a few heartbreaks, I’ve learnt how I can better control the emotions that do me no good. Jealousy got me nowhere but alone, so I’ve learnt to tame my green beast and pick and choose the battles that really matter to me.
So, I’m half way done this task. Be sure to stay tuned for Part 2 (I’ll add the link when it’s done) where I’m finishing this list off. Maybe when I’m feeling down about my life, this list will help me remember all the things that I’m capable of, that I did and that I can do again!