Maybe It’s The Weather…

I cannot tell you what has gotten into The Boyfriend, but something is definitely changing. Maybe it’s the 12 pounds I’ve lost (although I’d like to think he’s not that shallow) or maybe it’s the warmer weather, maybe it’s that he’s dealing with the stresses of work life better or maybe it’s something else entirely, but I can honestly not remember the last time we had as much sex as we’re having nor can I remember the last time that we both hated being away from each other – we’re literally attached at the hip!

He’s been coming home from work on his lunch break, just so that he can hang out with me and he even takes Keirnan to school for me, so that I only have to make that trek once a day. He’s been a real sweetheart lately, from letting me hog the TV because my body is aching so bad that I don’t want to come on the computer, to letting me play video games even when he’s been craving them all day, to making dinner more than once this week and he even bought me an early Mother’s Day present – one that I’ve been wanting for years!

Then, the sex… There has been so much of it, in so many different ways, I have not wanted for nothing. There have been some disappointing moments, which I’ll get into momentarily, but for the most part, it’s been almost two weeks now of incredible sex every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. And I have no idea what’s going on but I’m not about to complain.

It started on one of his days off, that wasn’t a planned day off. He had gone to the store and when he got back, he made mention of something sexual. I had worn a skirt this day and the idea of that seemed to really excite him. That’s not really a surprise, because he has a strong affection for my legs, but it doesn’t normally make him all ready and raring to go. He came and sat on the couch beside me and slid his hand up my leg as he revealed the perverse thoughts he had on the way to and from the store. I giggled, as I usually do when he talks about these sexual visions of his, but my giggle was cut short by a sudden gasp as he roughly slid his fingers into me.

It took him no time at all to bring me to that first orgasm and I was almost shocked at how fast it had gone. After I was done, he seemed like he was going off to do his own thing, but he came out of the bathroom and said, “You wouldn’t want to sit on my cock, would you?”. He sat down and I straddled him and almost as soon as we started, we were both covered in sweat – his beading down his forehead, mine collecting in the middle of my back. He shoved his head in between my breasts, as I rhythmically bucked my hips wildly back and forth on him. His hands were on the top of my skirt, pulling at it to direct me this way and that on top of him. We collapsed in each other’s arms as the last ripples of orgasm waved over us and as we caught our breath discussed what we loved about that particular session and how much we couldn’t wait to repeat it later on that night, being that this was midday sex.

One night, we had a beautiful mutual masturbation session. He is getting way more skilled with his fingers than he ever has been before, which has resulted in a lot of speedy orgasms on my part – something that is brand new and totally foreign for us. I’m not sure what he’s doing differently, but he says that he’s definitely doing something different. He believes he’s just gotten to know more of what I like and based on the way he’s been playing with things, I’d say he’s incredibly right! I think the thing that made this particular session so beautiful was the timing of it all. We came within seconds of each other and it still had the intimately connected feeling that our sex seems to get so damn right.

Even last night, he was exhausted and more than ready for bed, but still had enough energy for a parting shot. It started out looking like it was just going to be another mutual masturbation session, which I was totally okay with. But after a few moments, he asked rather politely, “Do you think you can make yourself cum if I’m inside you?”, I excitedly responded, “I’ll sure as hell try” and in no time at all, we were both having our orgasms and it was just all around a great time. Based on his lunch break today, I don’t think this particular streak is going to end until at least after the weekend… So, happy weekend for me.

The one big disappointing evening, even though I quickly turned it around so that it didn’t become a huge disappointment, was during the final episode of Star Trek: TNG. It’s not uncommon for us to sit around and watch a TV and for me to play with his genitals during this time. My purpose is never to bring him to orgasm or to even get him turned on, I just like to play and he’ll go in and out of hardness and softness and it’s an exciting precursor to an evening of fun. Recently, I got a cheap version of ace bandages or tensor bandages. I was thinking we could use it for a little bit of light bondage and compression play – things that I’m interested in and he’s never seemed uninterested in. More bondage-esque type things have never been a total no, like impact play is for example.

So, as I’m playing with him, I grabbed my wraps and began to unravel the smallest one. Immediately, he tenses up and his half chubs hard on disappears. I ask, “What’s wrong?” and he says, “I just have a feeling I know what you’re planning to do with that and…” he trails off into silence, with a look on his face that signals that he doesn’t want what I’m proposing. I ask, “Are you uncomfortable?” and he shrugs his shoulders, still with this look on his face, this look that absolutely signaled to me a complete lack of trust. I stopped, dead still.

I kissed him. I didn’t know what else to do. I held his face, and kissed him hard over and over again, my mind literally buzzing with thoughts. I felt like this was the moment to make a very conscious decision about what it is that I want. I kissed him harder and harder, fighting back tears as I decided, I wanted this even without the light bondage. I couldn’t let this one thing make my whole entire night miserable. I could either a) choose to focus harder on the fact that he wasn’t interested in this thing, even though he let me spend the money on it or b) just move on and forget it about it… It felt like I consciously gave up that night…

I went back to bringing him up to hardness again, and I dropped the wrap on the couch and left it alone. I haven’t brought it back up again. There is a big part of me that is just ready to throw in the towel on this whole kink thing for the time being. He’s not in the right head space for it and I’m not the one to try to work him into that head space  Whether it’s being his bottom or his top, I just don’t think he’s there yet. I don’t think he’s ready. And I don’t know if he ever will be…

And I don’t know how or what I feel about that, I don’t know what I’m going to do about it, I don’t know anything right now on that level. It’s one of those things that I’m trying not to let consume me…

Lost

I have spent the last few days in a serious funk. It’s just being relentless and I can’t seem to shake the feeling. It’s most likely being my most vicious funk since we’ve moved into this house and I feel like this one’s going to hard to break, because nothing I do seems to be helping at all. I just keep feeling that all is not well, all is not right and I don’t know what to do with those feelings.

Then, the noise of Facebook got to me again, when I came across an image that says something along the lines of, “If you’re not happy in a relationship, just leave, don’t cheat” and it was like a harsh slap in the face. Especially being that I’ve been considering exactly that a lot lately, though not cheating per se, being that I wouldn’t ever lie to The Boyfriend about it or even just not tell him, I would do exactly the opposite. And it’s not like I’m overall unhappy in my relationship, because that’s also untrue. I’ve never been this happy in a relationship, I’m just not happy all the time about the sex.

And when I’m having the vanilla sex, except for the odd thought about wishing he’d be rougher with me and stop treating me like some delicate breakable flower, it’s really good and fulfilling vanilla sex. It’s sex that I’m happy to be having and that usually leaves me feeling okay about my sex life. But the craving and desire for kink is so heavy that when I’m not in the moment of having vanilla sex, I feel like my sex just isn’t what I want it to be, nowhere close actually.

And I’m sincerely beginning to think that half of my interests in kink would be interests of his if I just never said anything about me being interested in it. It always seems like he’s half interested in the concept of certain kinks, right up until the moment that I say that I’m interested and then he turns to an automatic no and not interested. But what bugs me most is the lack of regard for my interests where sex is concerned.

The other night, I’m researching away. Can’t remember how I got started on the trek that I went on, but I was hardcore looking at stuff on Cuckoldry, something that has always been pretty high up on my interests list. I have never been able to exactly state why any of my interests in kink are what they are, so I couldn’t tell you what it is about cuckoldry that I like so much. And really, I don’t think it’s cuckoldry, as much as it is the idea of me having sex with someone else when he’s not allowed to and while he still has to be involved. I’ve often said that I would love to be polyamorous as long as my partner wasn’t sleeping with anyone…

Because just like him, I’m not very fond of sharing. However, I’ve never been in a relationship like ours where I feel like it’s stable and secure. I mean, I believe in my heart that the only way this relationship would ever end is if I ended it, because I just can’t see him doing it. I’ve never been in a relationship where it doesn’t feel like the guy is still looking for something better (even if that’s not actually what he’s doing, I’ve always had that feeling), but with The Boyfriend, I don’t get that at all. I get that he is perfectly happy and comfortable staying just where we are for the rest of our lives. So for all I know, something like polyamory would work for us because I don’t fear him leaving me for someone else, someone better. Again, something that he is absolutely uninterested in.

I don’t know if it’s maybe because he doesn’t feel like we’re stable and secure or if for him, a relationship just means nothing but monogamy. Something to discuss, I suppose. It’s just so frustrating to have any sexual conversation with him, because sex isn’t as important to him as sex is to me. We see a lot of things very differently where sex is concerned. I’m much more open-minded and expressive about my sexual feelings, he is very close-minded and is definitely not a very expressive man.

I remember writing on one of my old blogs a long time ago, at the very beginning of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, about an experience that I had had in a chatroom. Now, this was long before I had ever gotten my first spanking from him and before we had even really begun discussing my kinks and how they would play into our relationship. We were still just babies to the whole relationship. I had gone into this chatroom and was talking with the whole room, when one of the ladies picked me out of the crowd to essentially say that because The Boyfriend was vanilla and I was not, our relationship wouldn’t last longer than 5 years, because it would tear us apart. And if you haven’t figured out yet why this experience has been on my mind a lot lately, let me fill you in:

The Boyfriend and I will be at our officially 5 year mark in July. And isn’t it kind of crazy that as we’re coming into the end of our 4th year, that’s when I suddenly decide that I’m sick of being complacent about the lack of kink and that I’ve officially lost all hope that he’s not going to revert back to the days of spankings and munches and that I’m seriously considering things like cheating, ultimatums and break-ups?!? It’s just interesting to me and frankly, I don’t know what to do with any of the things I’m thinking or feeling.

I can talk until I’m blue in the face with The Boyfriend about how much his vanilla-ness bugs me and I can whine and complain all the time about wanting a spanking, but it’s not doing anything but making me feel more and more out of place. I’d even go as far as to say that the lack of kinky sex often times feels like it’s intruding on the non-sexual aspects of our relationship, though I’m quick to rationalize those misplaced feelings. But the fact of the matter is that I don’t believe in forcing my sexuality on other people, even other people who share a relationship with me.

If he’s really not interested, there’s nothing I can say or do that will change that for him. I can’t even demand that he compromises or something like that, because that’s not the consent I believe in. I believe in the consent that sounds like, looks like, feels like an unequivocal yes. Nothing more, nothing less. Anything less than that and I’m no longer comfortable. So I’m obviously not going to “force” or coerce his hand to spank my ass and I’m not going to say something like, “Either you tie me up or I’m out of here”, but at the same time, whose happiness am I really sacrificing…?!?

I just feel very lost…

Quarter-Life Crisis, Part 2

In the previous post, I finished off with:

“Don’t get me wrong in anyway. I love The Boyfriend in a more deep and profound way than I think I’ve ever loved anyone. I have never experienced such a wonderful and amazing relationship that I believe is strong and stable in every single way possible. I never look at him and think “Oh my god, I wish this relationship would just end already” and I have not thought once about breaking anything off with him. On the contrary. I’ve been thinking heavily about spending the rest of my life with this man and how for the first time in my life, I seriously cannot wait to be married. I cannot wait to have him propose to me, I cannot wait to wake up to his face every single morning for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to grow old together. I really do love him so much.”

With all of what I said in the last post, I just find that every single time that I do anything to show my love for The Boyfriend, I’m often stopped dead in my tracks thinking and analyzing and it sends me into a spiral of general blahness. What am I thinking and analyzing about? Well mostly, I’m thinking about how I have completely neglected and even turned off my desires almost, because he’s not interested. And while I basically just ignored that for a really long time, the desire has come back and it’s come back with a vengeance  The worst part is, I didn’t even ignore it, I sincerely believed that I could control my desires and I sincerely believed that I could suppress them until he was ready to be interested again.

Then, I realized that it’s been well over two years since I last had a spanking, and the kinkiest thing we’ve done in that two years is have anal sex or maybe the fisting (although it didn’t feel kinky while we were doing it…). I was shocked and appalled.  Two freaking years! You’ve gotta be kidding me?!? And for two years, I have not been my (as Dr. Gloria Brame would put it) “Authentic Sexual Self“. I haven’t even been close to it. I’ve forced myself to enjoy over and over again the same ole vanilla sex and I’ve convinced myself that any vanilla sex is better than no kinky sex. And none of these thoughts are as bad as the one that stops me dead in my tracks every single time:

Why can’t he just compromise?

Okay, so you’re not comfortable with 24/7 total power exchange, and you’re not comfortable with the rewards and punishments. Fine. But is it so hard to just every once and awhile, agree to spank me? Is it so hard even to just every once and awhile be a little bit rougher with my breasts? And maybe I’m the only one who does it. I mean, I don’t really like anal sex all that much and yet I still do it because I know he really enjoys it and desires it. And strictly because of how much he enjoys it, I end up walking away from anal sex most of the time with an orgasm. It’s a win-win situation. Do I do it because I want to be having anal sex? No! I do it because he wants to be having anal sex and I don’t mind doing it for him. Again, I even get pleasure from it!

And it would be entirely different, my thinking would be so much different on this, if I had never had a spanking from him or had never been taped and restrained by him. I wouldn’t be thinking any of these thoughts if he didn’t used to pound the shit out of me and wrap his hands around my throat! I would be more understanding about his lack of interest. And for the most part, I have been really understanding. How do you think we got to the point where I let my desires go by the wayside for two fucking years?!? And frankly, I feel like being done with understanding!

I’ve been waiting until his next days off to really have a conversation about this with him, because I want to figure something out. I want to figure out what we’re going to do about getting me closer to being my “Authentic Sexual Self”, somewhere closer to where I was when I was pregnant with Carter (and something that doesn’t involve me getting pregnant again… thank you very much! haha). I just don’t like where I’m at right now and I’m sick of this stupid emotional roller coaster ride that I’m on over SEX!

Getting Down to Details

Mine and Jess’ conversation on my last post has been on my mind non-stop for the last 2 days now. I just keep thinking about all the questions she’s asked, all the things that could potentially happen with this idea and I have not been able to stop the constant stream of thoughts. She wants me to get down to details about what it is that I really want out of a kinky lifestyle, what does that even look like for me. And while I can come up with a few things, I feel like I’m just continually blanking. As I’ve said before, over the last few months, even more like a year, I’ve become really uncaring about kink. It’s really sad and hard for me to deal with a lot of times, but when I wasn’t being complacent about it, I was always upset about it and it was beginning to affect the little bit of vanilla sex that I do get. And I’m sure I’ve said this before too, that I’d rather be getting some vanilla sex and no kinky sex than getting no vanilla sex and no kinky sex. So really, this conversation is really shoving in my face how uncaring I have become and that’s being the thing that I’m having the hardest time with. How could I have let myself go like that?!?

Am I getting lost within the confines of my relationship? Am I losing sight of what it is that I have so desperately wanted for so many years? Can I even still call myself kinky when I’ve become the way that I am with it? And what the hell am I going to do about it? I feel like I’m breaking up with a boyfriend that I’ve had for so many years and this is all so sudden… I guess really it’s not, it’s just the first time that I’m really acknowledging it all.

But I figured, Jess had some really great questions about my kinky interests and I’ve never really put all of them together. My interests are kind of scattered over a bunch of posts all over the place and most of them only encompass the things that I know and have experienced and not the things that I want to know and want to experience. So, we’re going to attempt to narrow some things down – wish me luck.

Let’s start with what Jess posted:

“Can I recommend as a follow up post to this that you post exactly what you’re looking for. From this post I get your interested in having others control what you wear. What other aspects of your life are you looking for others so control? Do you have any limits? This way if your asked to do something we know ahead of time what you will/will not do.”

First of all, I notice that I do tend to use the “control what I wear” thing a lot as an example of something kinky. It’s popped up in almost every single post I’ve ever made about my interests in kink, I’m sure of it. That is one little area, that is a lot harder to do than you would think. My wardrobe, as it currently stands, is pretty boring and rather unsexy. Lots of comfy yoga type pants and baggy t-shirts. I rarely ever wear underwear (except for when it’s period time) and I haven’t worn a bra for anything but nights out in mega years. I don’t own a single piece of lingerie and I have one pair of high heels, one pair of winter boots and one pair of runners (which need to be replaced this summer). I dress like a mom… I’m also incredibly un-girly when it comes to how I look on a day-to-day basis. I don’t wear make up, the only things I know how to do with my hair are put them in braids or a ponytail, I never wear perfume and when it comes to products to use, I own so little that most people would probably be shocked. I know men with more product than I have…

But, that’s not really how I want it to be. I want to be the type of person who dresses in a way that would be pleasing to someone else’s eye. I want to be the type of person that wakes up in the morning, an hour early, to perfect my make up and hair. I want to be the type of girl who wears high heels for more than just fulfilling my partner’s fantasy during sex or owns a skirt for something other than just sleeping in. I want to wear a bra for some other reason than to just sit around the house in. That’s probably why I always turn to this particular kink as an example…

Another thing that I’d like to point out is that I haven’t always wanted to be submissive and I haven’t always identified as a S/switch, which is what I currently identify as. Prior to getting with The Boyfriend, it was never really a thought to do anything but dominate. I wanted to be the dominant in a relationship and have my own submissive. But as the 4th baby rolled around and The Boyfriend was naturally more of a leader than I was, it just kind of happened. One day, I was completely interested in nothing but domination and slowly, I found myself being much more interested in being his submissive, submitting to him. As the years have gone on and he’s lost all interest, I’m sticking with the submissive end of things because it’s now where I find comfort – although being that I’ve never really experienced either of them, I can’t really say either way which one I’d chose for sure…

Okay, so let’s get back to Jess’ comment. “What other aspects of your life are you looking for others to control?“, to which I can only only think, “All of them!“. The clothes I wear, the times I sleep, the way I conduct my day, the days I have to shave, the times I’m allowed to be on the computer or watching TV, the foods I’m allowed to eat, the things that I’m allowed to say in certain situations, the eye contact I’m allowed to make, the sex I’m allowed to have, really the possibilities are endless.

When it comes to kink, I have a whole wide variety of interests. I want behavior modification with punishments and rewards, I want impact play and sensation play, I want to be constantly put in my submissive place, always being reminded that I am owned, I am somebody’s and that that is the most important job (next to being a mom) that I have. Pleasing someone. Being what they need or want me to be. Or at least, that’s what I currently view submission for me as…

My only known limits are that I won’t do anything that involves poop, pee and puke (The Three P’s). It’s just not something that interests me at this time in my life. Outside of that, I’m really unsure of what limits I would have, because I have a curious interest in almost everything else. For example, my current list of “Into” and “Curious About” fetishes on my FetLife profile is pretty massive and I haven’t even updated it in awhile – then again, what’s on there is a really good start.

So for now, I’ll just leave you with this list and over time, you’ll notice these items turning into links as I do more in-depth posts about my interests. I’ve also put little stars besides the things on my “Curious About” list that are really high up there on my list of what I want to experience (*), and yes this list doesn’t currently exist… You can also expect to see multiple posts of the same title (with parts 1, 2, 3, etc.) further exploring any other comments that come my way regarding my interests in kink. I imagine this will be an interesting little journey we’ll be taking.

Into:

• anal beads (giving)
• ass play (everything to do with it)
• ass worship (everything to do with it)
• bare bottom spanking(receiving)
• bare handed spanking (receiving)
• biting (everything to do with it)
• blood (everything to do with it)
• blow jobs(giving)
• bondage tape (receiving)
• breasts (everything to do with it)
• bruises(receiving)
• choking (receiving)
• cocksucking (giving)
• crops (everything to do with it)
• cum (everything to do with it)
• cunnilingus (everything to do with it)
• cutting(everything to do with it)
• deep throating (giving)
• dildos (receiving)
• erotic literature (everything to do with it)
• flogging (everything to do with it)
• foot massage (receiving)
• foot/feet (everything to do with it)
• gagging/choked by cock (receiving)
• hair pulling (receiving)
• hairbrush spanking (receiving)
• handcuffs (wearing)
• handjobs (giving)
• ice cubes (receiving)
• impact play(receiving)
• kissing (everything to do with it)
• leaving marks (receiving)
• light bondage (receiving)
• lingerie (wearing)
• massages (receiving)
• masturbation(everything to do with it)
• monogamy (everything to do with it)
• music (everything to do with it)
• mutual masturbation (everything to do with it)
• nipples (everything to do with it)
• nudity (everything to do with it)
• oral sex (everything to do with it)
• outdoor sex (everything to do with it)
• scratching (giving)
• spanking (everything to do with it)
• swallowing (giving)
• switching (everything to do with it)
• talking dirty(everything to do with it)
• vibrators (everything to do with it)
• writing erotica(everything to do with it)

And that’s just the things that I’ve had experience with. My list of curiosities is even longer…

Curious about: 

• corsets (everything to do with it) *
• 1950s household (everything to do with it)
• 24/7 (everything to do with it) *
• abrasion play (everything to do with it) *
• armbinders (everything to do with it)
• artistic cutting (everything to do with it) *
• asphyxiaphilia (everything to do with it)
• ball gags (wearing) *
• ballet boots/shoes(wearing)
• bastinado (everything to do with it)
• bathroom use control (everything to do with it) *
• bdsm (everything to do with it)
• begging (everything to do with it) *
• behavior modification (everything to do with it) *
• bellydancing (everything to do with it)
• belt spanking (everything to do with it)
• belt whippings (everything to do with it)
• ben wa balls (wearing) *
• bisexuality (everything to do with it) *
• blindfolds(watching others wear)
• bloodplay (everything to do with it)
• body modification(everything to do with it)
• body paint (wearing)
• body worship (everything to do with it)
• bondage (everything to do with it) *
• bondage equipment (everything to do with it)
• breast bondage (everything to do with it) *
• breast spanking (everything to do with it) *
• breast whipping (everything to do with it)
• breast/nipple torture(everything to do with it)
• breath play (everything to do with it) *
• burlesque(everything to do with it)
• caging/confinement (everything to do with it)
• candle wax (everything to do with it)
• caning (everything to do with it) *
• cbt (giving)
• chakra energy play (everything to do with it)
• chastity (everything to do with it) *
• chastity devices (giving)
• clamps and clips (everything to do with it) *
• clothespins(everything to do with it)
• cock and ball torture (everything to do with it)
• cock milking (everything to do with it)
• cock worship (everything to do with it)
• collar and lead/leash (everything to do with it)
• collars (everything to do with it) *
• consensual nonconsent (everything to do with it) *
• control (everything to do with it) *
• cornertime (receiving) *
• corset piercing (everything to do with it)
• corset training(everything to do with it) *
• corsetry (everything to do with it)
• corsets (wearing)
• costumes/dressing-up (wearing)
• crawling (everything to do with it)
• cross dressing (watching others wear)
• cuckold (everything to do with it)
• cunt worship(everything to do with it)
• d/s (everything to do with it)
• daddy/girl (everything to do with it)
• decorative cutting (receiving)
• discipline (everything to do with it) *
• domestic servitude (everything to do with it) *
• domination (everything to do with it)
• double penetration (receiving)
• e-stim (receiving) *
• edge play (everything to do with it) *
• electrotorture (everything to do with it)
• erotic photography (everything to do with it) *
• exhibitionism (everything to do with it) *
• eye contact restrictions(everything to do with it) *
• female ejaculation (everything to do with it) *
• fetish wear (wearing)
• fishnets (wearing)
• foot worship (receiving)
• geisha (everything to do with it)
• glass dildos (receiving)
• gor(everything to do with it)
• gorean slave positions (everything to do with it) *
• grooming (everything to do with it) *
• high heels (wearing)
• high protocol(everything to do with it)
• humiliation (giving) *
• kneeling (everything to do with it) *
• knife play (everything to do with it) *
• latex (wearing)
• leather (wearing)
• lesbian domination (giving)
• maid uniforms (wearing)
• making home movies (everything to do with it) *
• masochism (everything to do with it)
• master/slave (everything to do with it)
• mental bondage (everything to do with it) *
• mistress/slave (everything to do with it)
• multiple orgasms (everything to do with it) *
• needle play (everything to do with it) *
• obedience training (everything to do with it) *
• online play (everything to do with it)
• orgasm control (everything to do with it) *
• orgasm denial (everything to do with it) *
• otk spanking (receiving)
• outdoor bondage (everything to do with it)
• paddling (everything to do with it)
• pain (everything to do with it)
• pantyhose/stockings (wearing)
• percussion play (everything to do with it) *
• piercings (everything to do with it)
• pinching (everything to do with it)
• play piercing (everything to do with it) *
• porn (everything to do with it)
• power exchange(everything to do with it)
• pro domme (giving)
• public play (everything to do with it)
• pussy worship (everything to do with it)
• restraints (everything to do with it) *
• riding crops (receiving) *
• rituals (everything to do with it) *
• role play (everything to do with it)
• rope bondage/suspension (everything to do with it)
• rubber (wearing)
• sadism(everything to do with it)
• sadomasochism (everything to do with it)
• scarification(receiving)
• sensation play (everything to do with it) *
• sensory deprivation(everything to do with it)
• sensual/slave dances (giving)
• service-oriented submission (everything to do with it)
• shibari (everything to do with it)
• slavery(everything to do with it)
• smoking (everything to do with it)
• speech restriction(everything to do with it) *
• spreader bars (everything to do with it)
• stockings(wearing)
• strap-ons (wearing)
• submission (everything to do with it)
• subspace(everything to do with it) *
• tantra (everything to do with it)
• tattoos (receiving)
• total power exchange (everything to do with it)
• toy making (everything to do with it)
• toys (everything to do with it)
• uniforms (everything to do with it)
• voyeurism(everything to do with it)
• wartenberg pinwheels (everything to do with it)
• water bondage (receiving)
• webcams (everything to do with it)
• whipping(everything to do with it) *
• whips (everything to do with it)

So Not…

Even though it hasn’t been that long since I last came on the computer, it felt like it took me an incredibly long time to catch up on all the things that I missed yesterday. Yesterday, I was really sick. It had started the night before and I just didn’t feel right and then yesterday, I was so sick that I was either being sick or I was sleeping – the whole day. It was wickedly and brutally intense and I don’t ever want to feel that sick again. However, it only seemed to last a day, so maybe I shouldn’t be so dramatic!

I didn’t expect to get on the computer and have so much to check up on though. But, the wonderful thing about this happening is that I feel a bolt of inspiration that leaves me wanting to do something more, something different. I’ll even let you know what I’m thinking.

It’s been forever and a day since I’ve written any erotica, because I just kind of gave up. There’s a whole bunch of reasons to this, which I won’t really get into right now, but even though I haven’t written any in awhile, I do maintain The Erotic Writers Group on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. Well, when Google+ came out with Communities, I decided to also make a group there for erotic writers and it is taking off rather nicely. And, I’m not even kidding you, it’s an inspiring group. So now I’m thinking, that I might start trying out some erotica again. It’s been a really long time though, so it might take awhile. Need to get out of my negative thinking surrounding sex…

And it’s to the point where it has affected my overall rating of The Boyfriend on questionnaires that we had to fill out. I feel so crappy about not getting any kink whatsoever that it’s just making my entire outlook on sex a negative one. Don’t get me wrong, I love the heck out of every second of vanilla sex that I’m getting and The Boyfriend and I’s relationship has never been healthier or stronger than it is right now, but it’s hard to look at sex as this wonderful and satisfying thing, when it’s simply not as satisfying as I know it could be and desperately crave for it to be.

It’s such a negative way of looking at things…

But seriously people, I’m dead sick and tired of not getting anything kink-related and even more than that, I’m absolutely appalled at how “okay” with that I’ve become. There was a time when his lack of interest didn’t seem to affect my lack of interest. I’d still research the heck out of my interests in kink, I’d still get pleasure from reading blogs from other kinksters and I’d still love to look at pictures and videos and be totally engrossed my thoughts of kinkiness and I’d never lose hope that one day I would have it. But now, every single time I look, I ever single time I read, every single time I research, I feel utter hopelessness.

And when I sit back and actually think about it, it makes me feel really freaking sad and crappy. But most of the time, I’m not thinking about it and so I don’t stay in that sad and crappy place. And since when is that anything like me?!?

Just in case you didn’t catch all the whining going on in the above paragraphs, let me simplify this: “Waaah! I want a spanking!”

I wish that I could even just understand what he doesn’t like about it now. Why was he interested before and why is he not now? And why on earth can he not explain this to me? And it’s not for lack of questioning him about it, he just can’t seem to articulate it. He always just responds with something along the lines of “just because I’m not” or “I don’t really know” and really, that’s not enough for a desire such as this…

So not what I had intended to go off about tonight…

 

Broaching the Subject

I think it’s about time that we have a serious discussion. Not me and you, dear reader. The Boyfriend and I. I am beginning to feel all sorts of negative emotions surrounding our sex life. And while I’d like to say it’s the fact that I’m getting vanilla sex and no kinky sex and that’s solely where the problem lies, unfortunately that would be a lie. It’s the vanilla sex too.

First of all, I am incredibly horny. Like all the time style. I feel like if I don’t orgasm at least once a day, I will explode. I have been thinking non-stop about sex, it’s been showing up in my dreams constantly, it’s always on my mind. And I’m sick of treating that like it’s some kind of problem. Like I’m some kind of nymphomaniac or sex addict. Because that’s not the case! I’m just simply horny…

And it wouldn’t be a problem, me being this horny all the time, if I knew for a fact that I would be able to get off at least once a day without worrying about anything else. But, he’s too tired. And not because he’s actually too tired, because he forces himself to be. Last night, I made it very clear that I was very turned on and would love to have an orgasm. But he decided it was too late and he had to get up early for work in the morning. Then he proceeded to watch Futurama for the next hour. Too tired for sex but not tired enough for Futurama. Needless to say, I just stayed up late masturbating while he fell asleep next to me.

His priorities, on a sexual level, are just all messed up. It’s been 4 years now, he knows what I’m like sexually and I just feel like it’s being completely ignored. Who cares that Val needs an orgasm tonight or who cares that Val’s been begging for a spanking and who cares that Val wants oral sex? No one, that’s who!

I feel terrible for bitching about this at all. When he does give me sex, which is still often, just not as often as I feel I need it, it’s amazing and wonderful sex. It’s not like he leaves me hanging for weeks without orgasm and it’s not like he’s an ass when he does say no to sex. He’s honestly a wonderful, incredible, beautiful lover. But I’m having a hard time not feeling like I’m completely neglecting a huge part of myself. A huge part!

I want to have a conversation with him and figure out how we can solve this issue, before it completely tears us apart. Honestly, what I really want, and it’s totally not the right way to be thinking at all, is for him to let me go off and explore with other people the things that I need to experience. I want him to say that I can masturbate whenever I feel I need it, I want him to say that I can find a girlfriend, I want him to say that I can go to munches and play parties by myself and I want him to give me permission to start a secondary  type of relationship. And just thinking it makes me feel like a massive hypocrite.

I get upset when he watches porn or downloads a strip poker app without me. It turns into big fights – the only fights we’ve ever had. Again, I still say the biggest reason is the sneaking around, doing it behind my back and lying about it, but still. How can I possibly think that doing any of what I described in the paragraph above would help our relationship?!? Not that our relationship really needs any help. It’s just me!

Maybe I want too much. Maybe I just have to be patient. But straight up, I’m sick of being patient. I was 14 when I first discovered my interests in kink and 16 when I became really serious about those interests. And to this day, I can count the number of times that I’ve gotten to have even just a taste at the experience of those interests on one hand, maybe with the addition of 1 or 2 fingers. I just feel like I’m being neglected…

Like my desires, my interests, my fantasies are all being neglected. Are all being tossed out and ignored and I am so sick of it. I’m sick of these stupid vanilla relationships where the mere mention of enjoying a hand around the throat, throws my partner into thoughts of freaky, twisted things. I want to be able to have sex at any moment of the day that I get all hot and bothered, I want to have sex in places other than my bed in positions other than missionary, I want so badly to get my ass spanked so hard that I’m left with marks for days on end and I want to feel like after I’ve had an orgasm, that I’m absolutely satisfied, not that I could go for another one or another hundred.

I don’t even know how to start a conversation with him that will be in anyway constructive, when I feel so personally attacked by this shit…

Distant Memories

 

This is just a straight up sad post…

The other night, The Boyfriend and I were talking about various things. At one point, I said, “I really want to go dancing at a nightclub” and he said, “You’ve got a better chance of getting laid!”. So of course, I jump straight to, “What about a better chance of getting a spanking?” and his response:

“Don’t Push It!”

Seriously?!? Don’t push it!

Have I not been complaining on this blog that I have been holding back as it is, HARDCORE! I hardly ever mention it to him now and when I do it’s in a completely joking manner and I make that obvious. I know that I’m not going to get it, but seriously?!? Why should I not “push it”? It’s not like when I do “push it” that I get anything out of that. Exactly the opposite, the more I push for it, the less likely I am to get it.

I’m sad that I promised myself after Alfie that I was going to get into a kinky relationship and escape this vanilla-ism. Then, The Boyfriend allowed me glimpses of what I could have, now that I was no longer in a vanilla relationship. For an entire year, we were exploring, we were experimenting, we were both having lots of horny fun. Unless he was seriously faking that entire time. I’m sad that here I am, years later, still in a vanilla relationship.

And I wish there was a way that I could talk him into it. It would be different if you didn’t see spanking in the vanilla world. If spanking was truly just a kinky thing, it would make sense to me that he wouldn’t be interested. It would make sense if at one time, he didn’t enjoy spanking. But he did and spanking appears everywhere in the vanilla world. Especially vanilla porn, which we’ve been watching a heck of a lot of. No complaints there!

Then, Taboo’s coming to town and it’s been on my sexual bucket list. And another year is going to pass where I don’t get to go, because it’s out of The Boyfriend’s comfort level or whatever like that. It’s just so disappointing. I am such a sexual person and I feel like I’m being sexually stunted everywhere I turn. From The Boyfriend’s lack of interest in anything outside of regular normal sex (and the occasional attempt at anal sex) to even my Mom saying that she doesn’t believe that I actually like spankings but more that I like the idea of them.

I call bullshit…

If I didn’t actually like spankings, then I wouldn’t want them all the time! I wouldn’t be thinking about them, when I should be thinking about other things, like my work. I wouldn’t be dreaming of them and I wouldn’t be so upset that I wasn’t getting them. And it’s not just spanking, even though that’s the only word I really use. But it’s impact play in general. It’s spanking, it’s cropping, it’s flogging and it’s a fantasy to be caned (though I’ve never even been close to that experience).

When I think about all the kinky things that I want to experience that I haven’t yet and that I won’t get to, it is almost debilitating the disappointment I feel. So much of my life, so many years, has been made up of the desire to have these things. And so many years has been made of disappointment and let down. I keep thinking that one day I will get it, but then I wonder from who, because it certainly won’t be The Boyfriend.

And it won’t be anyone else. He won’t share me (though I don’t mind that aspect – especially being that I only want to be hit by him) and I won’t leave him over this. Like I’ve said so many times before, outside of this one thing, we have such a great relationship. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a man and everything I didn’t know that I needed. He makes my life better just by being a part of it. How could I possibly give that up just because I’m not getting my kink on?

I’m just at a complete loss of what to do. I hate when the lack of kink starts making me depressed, because it doesn’t make any sense. I hate when I feel like I can’t function because I haven’t gotten the spanking or the flogging or the hair-pulling that I so badly desire. I hate when my day is filled with fantasizing about things that realistically speaking, might never be. I hate when that makes me so sad and I feel helpless to it. I hate when I feel like I have no control over my own sexuality.

Even though, I know full well that I do. I hold the power. But at what cost? 

To get what I want kink-wise, would mean that I would have to leave The Boyfriend and find a kinky person to play with on a semi-regular basis. Sounds like a simple thing, doesn’t it? It’s not! It’s not, especially when you love The Boyfriend and especially when you have 4 kids. I can’t even describe to you the amount of difficulty that that presents. And not a simple, “I can fix this” type of difficult, it’s such a complex, complicated, heart-wrenching, disaster type of diffuclt. Just thinking about how hard it would all be causes my heart to beat faster and my palms to sweat.

Sidenote:

I just realized that I’ve been relating my kink desires with my sexual desires a lot, and I don’t mean to do that in that way. I don’t think that you can only have kink if it’s somehow followed up by sex. I don’t think that all kinky acts lead to sexual acts or sexual arousal. I think it is absolutely possible to have a kinky relationship with someone without ever participating in any sexual activity – especially when your interests are the same as mine in this respect. 

This is the problem. The Boyfriend is the first guy that has not only treated me really well, but he also treats himself really well. I don’t have to mother him, and I don’t have to force him to keep his job and he takes care of himself (to a degree… It’s not like he’s cleanly or does his own laundry or anything like that, but he’s the first guy that I don’t feel like I have to remind to do any of that stuff or that I feel mad when I have to do it instead). He’s also the first relationship that I’ve had that isn’t explosive and dramatic and a scary rollercoaster ride. So, he’s the first guy that I really trust and that I feel absolutely safe with. He has brought out a whole side of myself that I didn’t even know existed.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, before The Boyfriend, I never considered touching submission. I knew that I liked being in control and I despised feeling in anyway vulnerable. From both the sexual and non-sexual perspectives, I was in all ways determined to be the dominant force in any relationship I’ve ever had, even when it was just friends. I was the boss, period. Then The Boyfriend and I started dating and I naturally fell into longing for him to take control and craving vulnerability. Especially in the bedroom! And he is naturally very good at playing the leader, though I have no idea if he feels that way. I know the idea of submission for himself, repulses him.

And then I got it for a bit. He took me there. We learnt together and we played together. Even if at the time, I didn’t look at it that way and even if at that time, I still complained that it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, we did have kink together. He made me feel vulnerable and I gave him the freedom to strip away my control – though I make it sound like it was some deep subspace-y experience, when really it only is in hindsight. But we had it. I had it. And now, that’s all that I have… A distant memory of what we once had.

And I am so scared that that is all I will ever have…

Reviewing Some Things…

 

Why is it that I suck so hard at completing the simplest of goals? You’d think I’d be talking about cleaning my house (which I’m sucking at as well, but isn’t the point of today’s post) or going to work every single day… But no! This is totally Sex Bucket List-related. How can I take these ideas that are in my head and make them work for my life?

Blogging about every sex session… I have wanted to do this for so long. So I put it on my 2012 Sex Bucket List and guess what…? I haven’t blogged about a sex session since before the new year. Which would make sense if my sex life was still sucking as much as it was a few months back, but it doesn’t. I can only remember one time in the last long while where I got to the point of not being able to stand the length anymore, and that was both of our faults, not just his. Darn us and our ability to stay up WAY too late!

But there have been some amazing times. Like my 3rd successful go at anal, which turned out really great. We both came, he was tender like he was the first time and it was honestly really nice. There’s also been nights when I’ve insisted on giving him head without getting anything in return and we haven’t had nights like that in forever. There have been a lot of really great experiences. So, why am I not writing about them?

Part of the problem is that we have sex right before bed. Literally, sex is over, smoke is had and now it’s time for sleep. So I don’t write about it when it’s all still fresh in my mind. Then normally, I work the next day and when you spend the next six hours focusing on mostly your work, it is incredibly difficult to remember much about the sex you had the night before, no matter how spectacular it was. You can never remember how it was exactly that you ended up getting into that awkward position and you can’t recall who came first or if you came at exactly the same moment. You can’t remember many other details about it that make writing about sexual experiences so fun, like what he smelt like or how the sweat latched onto his curly hair.

And then from both my sex bucket lists (1 & 2), I’ve got “Wear my Ben-Wa Balls”. I got two different sets of Ben-Wa Balls a few years back. When I opened them up, they were much smaller than I had imagined they would be and I’ve had 4 kids! I expect things to not be able to grip very easily (though I have no actual proof of this and I’ve never had anyone say anything to the effect – on the contrary), so I just assume that those balls have got to be too tiny for my pussy to hold onto. Then again, isn’t that the point.

So anyways, I want to learn more about if these things are too small and if I should get rid of them and find bigger ones. And I keep meaning to, but then I see all these numbers with these ones weighing this much and being of this diameter – and people, if I haven’t said it enough, I really SUCK at math. Do you know much about Ben-Wa Balls and how to use them? Leave me a comment!

All of my BDSM/Fetish stuff has completely escaped my mind and I’ve barely thought about it, in the sense of actually doing any of it. Sure, I still fantasize, but now it seriously and truly is just a fantasy. It’s no longer The Boyfriend I see holding or receiving the torture device, it is now a blurry image of what used to be a man. It’s no longer him watching on as I caress a blurry woman’s body, it is now just a blurry figure in a chair. When I fantasize, these things aren’t happening to me – they are now happening to the Russian woman who has long been a character in my dreams.

Ever since I was young, I remember having these dreams of a woman with very long black hair, dressed from head to toe in white fur – sometimes a black body stocking (though this is because, as I later discover, that she is an international spy) – and she’s always got this intense look on her face as she takes me on these wild adventures in my sleep, that often leave me waking with a case of the sweats. As I got older and older, this woman also became the woman of my fantasies – the character that played me, as it were, in the scenario. She is the ultimate of how I’d love to look, if I could choose those things at will.

She embodies the characteristics I believe every woman should have: strength, courage, confidence, sex appeal, dignity and all those other positive strong attributes, that I’m hoping you can imagine. She is also incredibly sexy in my perception of her and the second I see her defined cheekbones and those incredible eyes, I immediately feel overwhelmingly intrigued. I’ve only ever seen one woman in real life that came as close to amazing looking as the woman in my dreams/fantasies, but that could’ve been the lighting and the alcohol… Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see…

Anyways, the point is that my desire towards BDSM has somewhat diminished as I see it becoming less and less attainable for me. The Boyfriend has made it very loudly clear that he is not going to share, period. Doesn’t matter what the gender or sexual fetish is, doesn’t matter if there’s sex or no sex, he won’t even hear anything of ideas or concepts on how to make it work, before completely shutting me down. And I understand it, I’d probably be the exact same way. And honestly, the sharing thing has always been another thing that I never thought would truly come to fruition.

He’s also made it pretty clear that he has no interest in participating. Spanking is completely out of the question and he absolutely refuses to indulge me. It’s very rare that a sex toy even gets brought out anymore as I think he’d rather be the one giving the pleasure. I wonder if I’ve ever made him feel inferior or lacking in ability to pleasure me? I hope not, because he gives me a great amount of pleasure. Regardless of the lack of kink.

I’m not saying that I’m ready to give up, but I’m definitely not striving for it as hard as I have in my past. Maybe one day, the drive will come back to me, but right now it’s sadly on the back burner. Luckily, that’s not saying for sex altogether, just the kinky stuff. Vanilla sex, well I’ll be gunning for that 24/7 and I’m hoping, now that I’ve released this pent up piece of shit, that writing about vanilla sex will become a more frequent thing. So cross your fingers for me 😉

“I’m Sorry” Isn’t Helping…

Seriously, talking to The Boyfriend about sex has become the biggest waste of my breath ever! It’s a pointless waste of time and nothing ever comes of it, and it’s just getting to the point where it’s starting to make me feel rather unhappy about my sexual predicament.

I’m talking about both vanilla and kinky sex. I probably wouldn’t be so focused on the kinky sex, if at least regularly I got vanilla sex. Every time I try to talk to him about sex, it’s like I’m saying the same things over and over again to an “I’m sorry” brick wall.

Even though it hasn’t been that incredibly long since we last had sex, I’ve been feeling the massive urge. I get to about the third or fourth day before I feel like it’s been a long time since we last had sex. He can go for months on end without ever thinking about it. So last night, I asked him about it and sure enough, all he said was “I’m sorry”, as if that’s supposed to somehow fix my sexual longing…

It’s always the way it is whenever I say anything about sex or our lack of it. He just says he’s sorry and then rolls over and falls asleep. I’m normally left there wondering if it’s me that makes him not want to have sex more often, if it’s his lack of attraction to me or something like that…

The one that bugs me even more than that is when he says that if I would just tease him more, or if I would initiate more. Except when you think of it, I normally am the one initiating, and I don’t want to be having sex with someone who is not interested or too exhausted to put any effort in themselves. I also don’t want it to be all about him! If I’m initiating all the time, then when am I going to get the feeling like I’m being pursued or desired…

He always complains that he’s so exhausted and I just think, then why don’t you stop playing Facebook games earlier and have sex with me long before we’re normally in bed. Why can’t it be any sort of priority around here?!?!? I hate that I am really passionate about sex, especially with The Boyfriend, and he could care less.

What bugs me most though, is how much it grates on me, especially after all this time. You’d think by now, I would be totally used to the lack of sex and that I would just move on and take what I get and be happy about it. But I feel like I’m being robbed of my sexuality, like I’m bending and folding to his will without my consent and like I’m being denied for no reason. I feel like it’s unfair.

I can’t get vanilla sex with him and I don’t want vanilla sex with others. I can’t get kinky sex with him and he’s made it pretty clear that I can’t have it with others. It’s just driving me nuts and I hate that it even bothers me at all. I just wish sex with me was a priority for him like it is for me with him…

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