The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


Leave a comment

Nothing But Complaints…


Alright, so I officially suck at blogging everyday, it’s just impossible. And yesterday, there were so many opportunities and I just could not force myself to write anything. I had absolutely no motivation. This is something I’m going to be exploring with a passion over the next few days, because I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t keep letting every single goal I ever make for myself slip through my fingers, especially when it’s something I enjoy doing…

Plus, I’m never going to get anywhere that I want to be if I just continue to get discouraged or whatever you want to call it. I am in one heck of a funk though. This thing has got a vicious grip on me and all day yesterday and all day today, I have just felt completely boggled down by whatever this negative emotion is that I’m feeling at the moment. It’s not even really any particular feeling, just a general blah-ness.

I’m not sure exactly what’s causing this. I know part of today’s funk has to do with the fact that it was supposed to be The Boyfriend’s day off and then he ended up getting called into work bright and early this morning because night crew didn’t do their jobs. I would’ve been less upset about it if it weren’t for the fact that they had been dicking him around in general over this day off for the last two weeks, constantly changing when it would be and constantly changing how many days it would be, that it was annoying that they had finally gotten it figured out and then I get woken up this morning to a phone call for him to come in on his day off. I was not impressed…

But the day, for the most part, has been overall decent. Yes, there’s been moments of getting angered with the kids or moments of laughter, such as – we downloaded a whole bunch of game demos because The Boyfriend got a hard drive. One of the games we downloaded was Just Dance 4 for the kids and it was just about the cutest thing watching Kenzie and Kaeidyn try to nail these dance moves. It’s been a day like any other basically.

I hate that school is already starting again. I definitely don’t feel prepared at all. I was hoping to go to the laundromat before school started, I was planning on having so much more of the house completely cleaned. We’ve had each area of the house completely cleaned at one point or another, but keeping it that way seems physically impossible. And that’s only because my energy levels are at an absolute minimum – or else it wouldn’t be that impossible.

And that’s another thing that I really need to figure out. How to get my energy levels up, because I just feel exhausted and un-motivated all the time. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere or move. I just want to stay in one spot… I feel incredibly lazy and I hate it. I mean, obviously I’m not just staying in one spot or not doing anything, because that’s definitely impossible, but I’m not doing all that I want to be doing.

Darn this winter thing. I swear, if it were summer, I would not be going through all these whiny days and nothing but complaints. I hate this weather and I hate the lack of sunshine and I hate that I can’t kick the kids outside to play… I’m just pissy…

Advertisements


Leave a comment

Lots About Kaeidyn…


Parent/Teacher Conferences Tonight… I just know I’m going to hear something about all the school Keirnan has missed. We need to figure out what’s causing us all to be so sick so often, that way we can get Keirnan to school more often! Luckily, this cold isn’t being nearly as brutal as all the others. I think I’m on Day 5 now and except for a small scratch in my throat, I feel pretty okay. Unfortunately, and yes I’m blaming the cold, one of my teeth is now acting up and my mouth is killing me.

We need to all get in and see a dentist but right now it’s just not in the budget. So, I’m trying to apply for some assistance on that level but my Adobe Reader isn’t working for some reason, even though I just downloaded the newest version. I will try again later on today. I have a feeling that I’m going to get my teeth looked at and they’re going to say that all of them need to come out. That scares the crap out of me!

Really, what I’m noticing, is that we need to figure out a way to force ourselves to get healthier in general. I really need to get vitamins for the kids, we all need to start drinking milk (I can’t even remember the last time I had milk…) and we just need to start taking in more nutrients – because I think that’s part of the problem. Our bodies can’t function properly because they don’t have the power they need…

The Boyfriend took his cast off yesterday, so he finally has use of both his hands. Instead of going to the doctors, he spent a few hours with a pair of scissors or something and just cut the thing off himself. Don’t ask me why he didn’t just go to the doctors, I was half asleep for most of the day yesterday, fighting this hurting tooth pretty hard.

Got the kids report cards yesterday. They had actually come out awhile back, but the kids hadn’t been at school for the week because of their colds, so just got them yesterday. Both Kaeidyn and Kenzie are either doing excellent in every area or are meeting expectations. The only area that they both got “Needs developing” for was in self-assessment, which doesn’t surprise me – don’t we all! Kaeidyn’s the only one that’s getting actual grades, and right now is sitting at about a C average. This seems to be pretty typical of her. We can definitely tell she’s struggling more this year than last.

I think all the kids are and I blame it mostly on the fact that this school is teaching them completely differently than the last school. I mean, at Normandeau the big focus was on phonics. Learning to read and write by sounding it out. With Kaeidyn, this worked wonders. It was incredibly easy to help her with reading and writing. With Kenzie, they are doing sight-reading only, no phonics at all. It’s making it very hard to know how to support him in reading when I was taught and we taught Kaeidyn how to sound it out and with Kenzie, we can’t even go there. He’s not learning that.

Kaeidyn is even having an issue in math because they do the math so differently than she was taught. And don’t even get me started on how much I don’t understand her math, because they definitely never taught us how to do math like that when I was going to school. I often stare at her math homework, then give up and tell her to go ask The Boyfriend for help. Somehow, he tends to figure it all out. Really, he’s so good with them and their homework, helping them out with it. He’s so patient when helping Kenzie to read and him and Kaeidyn laugh a lot when they’re trying to do math and it’s always such a cute moment to watch. Not so much when I’m helping them with their homework. I get flustered and frustrated…

Yesterday, he’s helping Kaeidyn with a math question. It was a word question where she had to ultimately add 3 numbers to find out how many things total, were in a box of ornaments. She kept getting it wrong and couldn’t figure out where she was going wrong. Her and The Boyfriend are working on it when Kenzie starts bugging Kaeidyn that it should be easy. So she says, “Oh yeah, what’s 35 + 27 + 12?”. Kenzie pauses for a second and then responds, “Hard!”. My thoughts exactly 😉

We’re also having incredible issues with Kaeidyn about the break-in. She has only slept a few nights upstairs, otherwise she’s been down here sleeping with us. Last night, after really giving it a go upstairs, she came down frantically crying. I asked what she was so worried about and she starts going off about how she’s scared soldiers are going to break down our door and lock the kids in the basement, that they’re going to kill us all. Apparently it’s even been coming up at school a lot and she just seems overly stressed out and worried about it. We’re doing the best we know how to comfort and support her, but sometimes you just feel like you’re not doing enough. We just have to give her time.

So, that’s been these last few days. Lots more than I had originally thought I was going to write, so that’s good. Now to make it through these parent/teacher conferences!


Leave a comment

First Week of December


We’re all sick again… I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this many colds one right after the other. I feel like most of us have been sick since the snow first fell. The kids are missing tons of school because of it, which completely sucks and I’m quite worried about how this is going to affect their grades and school future. I know Keirnan has missed a lot of school, a lot of it!

The Boyfriend goes to get his cast removed on Wednesday and then they’ll re-assess to see if it’s healed or if they’ll need to re-cast it. We’re both incredibly excited for it to come off and his fingertips are getting impatient. I’ve never seen anyone’s hands get so dry, but his fingertips are grossly dry and peeling. He had his first day back at work yesterday, after almost 2 weeks off because of the break-in and I was surprised when he came in the door afterwards in quite a good mood. Today, he says he feels sore and exhausted, but I think that’s because he’s getting hit with the cold that the rest of us have.

I’m starting to feel very cooped up in the house, something that happens every winter. I’m really not a fan of the cold, in any way. I really despise the cold and avoid it like the plague. So in the last 2 weeks, the only time I’ve left the house is when I’m being picked up to go to Wal-Mart for groceries. I haven’t just left the house to leave the house, I haven’t gone to anyone else’s house, I haven’t just stepped out the front door. And of course, since the kids have been sick, I’m cooped up in the house with all the kids. It’s causing me to go a bit crazy, to be quite honest.

I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube lately and have become quite obsessed with Hank Green (one half of my favorite YouTube-ing duo, The Vlogbrothers), and when I say obsessed, it’s a bit of an understatement. I officially have a crush on another woman’s husband! I really enjoy watching all of his videos and listening to his songs and just hearing about all these things that he’s done. I wish I could be him… Really, there’s a whole bunch of YouTubers that I’m starting to become obsessed with but Hank Green seems to be the highest on my list.

The other day, I had noticed that I didn’t track my period for the month of November. I checked all the different places that I normally put at least something to let me know, but I couldn’t find anything. I turned to The Boyfriend, “Hey Babe, did I have a period in November?” and he responds, “No, I was just thinking that, I don’t think you did”. I eyed him up and down, “Oh, and when did you think you should let me in on this?!?”. We can’t say that that means anything though, because my periods haven’t exactly gone back to normal completely. It had only been 3 months of having them around the same time every month, prior to that they were all over the place. Some months I’d have no period for months on end and other months I’d have two periods in one month. I’m hoping it’s just my body having an issue with period regulation and not that other thing that a lack of period can mean. If it is, I don’t feel like it is…

Well, that’s pretty much the last few days in 600 words or less. Next week, we have to get Christmas presents, which should be fun – though I have no idea what we’re going to get the kids and eventually I’ve gotta get the kids in to see the doctor and the dentist. I swear I say that every December… How’s your first week of December going?


Leave a comment

The Older Sister/Younger Brother Fight


Something is up with Kenzie and Kaeidyn. No idea for sure exactly what just yet, but something for sure. Maybe it’s too much time together, since they walk to school alone together most mornings. But these last 2 days have been total hell with the two of them. They’re constantly arguing with each other or comparing each other (all, ‘Anything you can do, I can do better!”), Kenzie’s almost always in tears about whatever happens between the two of them and Kaeidyn is always on the absolute defensive.

Here I am, stuck in the middle, waving a white flag and screaming on the inside, “I surrender, I surrender!”.

I have absolutely no idea how to handle this. Today, as they burst through the door, almost immediately they started telling the tale of what happened on the walk home. Kenzie started and then Kaeidyn burst through the door, “No, it actually happened like…” and the second she said the first word, Kenzie began crying “No, that’s not” and she yelled, “Yes” and he yelled, “No!” and I yelled, “STOP!”

I called Kenzie to me and took him in my arms. I looked at Kaeidyn and told her to go make after school snacks while I dealt with Kenzie. She did, but insisted on inserting her two cents every time she disagreed with Kenzie. At first, I was mainly just trying to calm him down, not actually trying to get much detail from him. Then, when Kenzie was calm he went out to the kitchen to help Kaeidyn and she hurt him. They hadn’t been home for 5 minutes…

I immediately went out there and told her to stop making the food and talk to me for a second. “Why are you being like this towards Kenzie?” and she begins crying out her side of what happened on the walk home. “He kept telling me which way to go home and he wouldn’t listen to me, and that got me really upset at him, and I don’t like getting upset like that and then he starts crying, so I try to be nice to him and he just keeps saying no!” and through this whole thing she’s blubbering and shaking and turning the crimson color of her shirt. What do I say to that?!? She knows what the issue is, I have no idea how to solve it, so I went to talk to Kenzie.

He tells the story much calmer and almost exactly the same way, but reveals a detail that she’s conveniently left out. The whole situation started over her telling him that she was worried they were going to get lost, because it was the first day that they walked home from school (even though it’s the exact same way they walk to school), but he wasn’t concerned because he remembered the way. When he told her this, she continued on to tell him that they should turn around and go back to the school and call me to come pick them up. Let the argument previously described commence!

Kaeidyn

Kenzie

While I know that the problem is solved by picking them up from school and I know that’s what I’ll be doing the next half day, because on full days I go pick them up anyways because Keirnan can’t leave without a parent. But, it’s not just this argument. They’ve been this way towards each other for days now. Kaeidyn has never been worried about getting lost, even when I was worried that she would. Kenzie’s behavior is really no surprise but Kaeidyn’s is so out of whack for her. She’s not normally one to hit her brothers unless it’s in a playful way. Something’s up with that little girl.

And I have absolutely no idea how to figure out what’s going on with her, no idea how to help her through whatever it is, no idea how to deal with her bursts and tantrums and I’m absolutely confuddled by her attitude. I’m very lost…


1 Comment

Totally Unprepared


So, even though I stayed up late to make the kids’ lunches last night and made them one heck of an amazing lunch and even though I was up on time this morning and even though we got to the school early, I still went in to the first day of school feeling absolutely and completely unprepared.

Firstly, we get to the school and you have to go to the gym to find out which class your kids are in. So, we find out the teachers name and now there’s no way for us to know where these teachers are! Luckily, we found a lady who was able to direct us where we needed to go. But then we get there and they don’t bother to tell you how they want their school supplies prior to going to school, so you’re rushing around trying to get everything in a bag and labeled because you just weren’t sure the night before.

It just ended up being a huge stressful gong show that I wish could’ve been avoided. If my kids had went to that school last year, it probably would’ve been a relatively smooth morning, but I left feeling defeated and completely unprepared. I hate that! We got through it though and now Kenzie and Kaeidyn are in their classrooms with their new teachers and Keirnan goes back this afternoon!

It’s definitely a long walk to get to the school and I can’t believe that I’m going to be doing it three times a day. If I don’t lose some of this 45 pounds during this school year, I am going to be some kind of angry. All I kept saying during our walk this morning was that we need a vehicle and it seems to be pointed out to me much more lately. Once money straightens out, I am going to get my license period!

I had my learner’s back when I was 16, just never went for my road test to graduate into the next level of the program, so my license expired and I haven’t gone back and gotten one. I psyche myself out for it too much and start freaking out that I’m going to fail. I didn’t fail my first one, I actually passed and got a pretty high score and I generally pride myself on being a knowledgeable and good driver, but that was almost 10 years ago! Holy crap… I am so old!!!

And don’t even get me started on how old I am. My hair is quickly turning gray and brittle, which is causing me more stress than I ever thought it would. If my hair wasn’t so long and unhealthy already, I probably wouldn’t mind. But I feel like it just makes me look SO much older. I’m turning 26 this year (which reminds me, I need to get working on my birthday post for this year!) and I swear I look like I’m 40 and if I don’t actually look it, I definitely feel it!!

I always thought I’d enjoy getting older, right up until I had to start wearing diapers, but it is just not working out that way…


Leave a comment

Lots of School Stuff


I don’t remember if I said this last year or not, but I freaking hate back-to-school. On the one hand, I’m incredibly excited about it. I’ll only have 1 kid at home all day, every day. I’ll get time alone and I have so many plans for that time that I get alone now. On the other hand, it’s just a huge deal of stress.

We went school supply shopping today… Almost $300 later and no new school outfits for anyone this year. Maybe next payday they’ll get a new outfit, but right now, it’s just not going to happen. And the worst part, we didn’t find everything that we needed. They were either sold out or we just got fed up looking. It was so confusing and you don’t want to buy the wrong thing or the more expensive thing or the thing that’s never going to get used or any other number of variables, plus the kids are all up in your calculating business, so you’re distracted and adding and reading and it’s a lot on the brain all at once…

I hate back-to-school!

In other school-related news, though this part is less hated, we went for Keirnan’s kindergarten orientation and speech therapy assessment today. He’ll be going to school with The Boyfriend’s cousins kid, so that’s really really exciting. It’ll be the first year that we’ll actually kind of know someone that the kids are going to school with and while we don’t know them very well as of yet, this could be the year that changes that all. Who knows!

Keirnan did great with meeting his teacher and his speech assessment went good, though there were quite a few problems. It’s amazing how many of those things you don’t notice unless you’re having them pointed out to you. I remember with Kaeidyn, when she started speech therapy in kindergarten, they had noticed that she was saying her “sh” sounds wrong and I never had. With Keirnan, it turns out he’s saying a lot more sounds as other sounds than I had originally thought. It’s not all bad and I’m sure working with a therapist is going to help in ways that I simply couldn’t.

I’m pretty excited for the kids to be back in school, to tell you the honest truth. I’m excited to sit and do homework with them, since we neglected it so much in previous years. I’m excited to get involved at school, even if it’s just a little bit and more socially than anything else. I’m excited to walk them to school everyday, especially being that there are beautiful yards, cars and field/play areas surrounding us. I’m so excited to walk them to school everyday that I even went and bought new shoes specifically for it.

I think what I’m most excited about though, is finally beginning to establish some sort of routine. I’m looking forward to getting up at the same time of day everyday and I’m looking forward to thinking more about school lunches and I can’t wait for my alone time, where I plan to spend my time keeping my house clean and working towards a 45 pound lighter me. I’m just really looking forward to the end of this year (this horrible, crappy and absolutely wasted year…) and the beginning of the next one, which I’m hoping will be better, a lot better!

I still hate back-to-school though… *smiles*


Leave a comment

Thoughts from the Last 72 Hours


Well, last night’s storm (the first real storm of the season) ended up being absolutely perfect for the first one of the year. It wasn’t so bad that I was freaking out all night about it (though I did stay up about 2 1/2 hours later than everyone else watching the storm) and I was able to keep myself and whichever kid happened to be woken up by the thunder, relatively calm. All in all, I was very impressed with myself.

The only urge that I had all night was to watch those clouds and make sure they didn’t turn into anything horrible. The Weather Network had been posting for a day or two that they were expecting this storm to come in and were getting everyone ready for tornado weather, so I had gone into this storm already paranoid. Luckily, after the first two really big cracks of thunder, the storm was relatively a small one. Lots of lightning, a couple of rumbles of thunder and tons of rain, but the wind wasn’t nearly as bad as they had called for.

Looking through the Weather Network today, it looks like a total of 4 tornadoes did touch down here in Alberta, but only in the south and no one was injured. Looking into the future around the site and their Summer Outlook, it looks like we’re not exactly in for the best season here. It sounds like it’s going to be a lot more of these storms and I can only hope that I deal with them as well as I did last night. We’re still under a severe thunderstorm watch, so we’ll see what happens!

It’s hard to believe that another school year is almost done. In September, we have another kid starting school, only one more to go after that. Kenzie goes to full days, which will be beautiful. Plus, he can walk with Kaeidyn, instead of having to walk with adults. Though, we’ll still be doing the half days with Keirnan…

I’ve been calling around for houses and landed myself a job interview for Monday. The houses part of that sentence is not going as well as one would hope at all. We went to apply for Community Housing, which I was stressing out about way more than was necessary, but because of the amount of kids we have and their guidelines regarding the number of bedrooms we need, they currently have nothing available. I have to call today to find out if their other assistance program will work for us. In the meantime, I’m just going to keep calling all these places that I know we won’t be able to get, for whatever reason. Today, a whole bunch of places a lot like the one I currently live in (but cheaper) came online, so I’ve already called about them.

I’m excited about my interview and cannot wait to go to it. It makes me nervous that it’s still 5 days away, but I figure it gives me more time to prepare. And if I go in there prepared, with the way my resume looks right now, I’m confident that I’ll walk out with something. If not a job, at least a sense of accomplishment (as opposed to failure). Until I get a job though, things are going to be so financially strapped it’s ridiculous. It’s hard to believe that it wasn’t that long ago that we had just gotten everything back on track and it seemed like it was all going to be great…

I need to go see a doctor eventually too. Especially if The Weather Network is right. First of all, I’ve been getting a lot of pain in my legs again. My knees seem to only really be bad at night, but my calves and ankles are always feeling like muscles are being stretched too hard or torn, when I’m not even doing anything. Then, I’ve been getting this horrible nagging pain right at the bottom of my rib cage, sort of where you would imagine the spleen, liver, pancreas, etc. I’ve had pain like this in the past, when I was pregnant with Kaeidyn, but instead of the nagging type of pain it was sudden and sharp. It landed me in the hospital for 4 days, plus every couple of months after that.

The doctor’s at the time had thought that it was a gallstone, but then when I was pregnant with Kenzie and was having the same problem, the doctor wanted to get an ultrasound of my liver, which I never went for. So now, I’m worried that it’s something I should be worried about. Especially being that it’s been happening for so long now. It’s been this dull and nagging constant pain in my upper stomach for over a month now. So it’s probably about time I get it checked.

I’m also seriously considering asking about getting some anti-anxiety meds for these storms. I was talking with The Boyfriend yesterday about my fears about it and the reasons why I am so hesitant to take them. It’s not that I haven’t taken anti-anxiety meds in the past, I have. I know what to expect going into it and that’s kind of the part that has me stressing the most. I just don’t want to be running into my bathroom at the first sight of every storm this summer. I want to be able to be calm in front of the kids, so that they stay calm, and I want to be able to keep myself calm so that if anything were to happen, I could be prepared for it, instead of frazzled and crying.

Well, that’s the things that have been on my mind over the past 48 – 72 hours. Have you been getting any storms where you live? What are your reactions to storms? Do you freak out or do you take them in stride? Are you able to sleep through them or are you like me, constantly checking on it? Leave your comments and let’s share our thoughts on storms!!