The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Broaching the Subject


I think it’s about time that we have a serious discussion. Not me and you, dear reader. The Boyfriend and I. I am beginning to feel all sorts of negative emotions surrounding our sex life. And while I’d like to say it’s the fact that I’m getting vanilla sex and no kinky sex and that’s solely where the problem lies, unfortunately that would be a lie. It’s the vanilla sex too.

First of all, I am incredibly horny. Like all the time style. I feel like if I don’t orgasm at least once a day, I will explode. I have been thinking non-stop about sex, it’s been showing up in my dreams constantly, it’s always on my mind. And I’m sick of treating that like it’s some kind of problem. Like I’m some kind of nymphomaniac or sex addict. Because that’s not the case! I’m just simply horny…

And it wouldn’t be a problem, me being this horny all the time, if I knew for a fact that I would be able to get off at least once a day without worrying about anything else. But, he’s too tired. And not because he’s actually too tired, because he forces himself to be. Last night, I made it very clear that I was very turned on and would love to have an orgasm. But he decided it was too late and he had to get up early for work in the morning. Then he proceeded to watch Futurama for the next hour. Too tired for sex but not tired enough for Futurama. Needless to say, I just stayed up late masturbating while he fell asleep next to me.

His priorities, on a sexual level, are just all messed up. It’s been 4 years now, he knows what I’m like sexually and I just feel like it’s being completely ignored. Who cares that Val needs an orgasm tonight or who cares that Val’s been begging for a spanking and who cares that Val wants oral sex? No one, that’s who!

I feel terrible for bitching about this at all. When he does give me sex, which is still often, just not as often as I feel I need it, it’s amazing and wonderful sex. It’s not like he leaves me hanging for weeks without orgasm and it’s not like he’s an ass when he does say no to sex. He’s honestly a wonderful, incredible, beautiful lover. But I’m having a hard time not feeling like I’m completely neglecting a huge part of myself. A huge part!

I want to have a conversation with him and figure out how we can solve this issue, before it completely tears us apart. Honestly, what I really want, and it’s totally not the right way to be thinking at all, is for him to let me go off and explore with other people the things that I need to experience. I want him to say that I can masturbate whenever I feel I need it, I want him to say that I can find a girlfriend, I want him to say that I can go to munches and play parties by myself and I want him to give me permission to start a secondary  type of relationship. And just thinking it makes me feel like a massive hypocrite.

I get upset when he watches porn or downloads a strip poker app without me. It turns into big fights – the only fights we’ve ever had. Again, I still say the biggest reason is the sneaking around, doing it behind my back and lying about it, but still. How can I possibly think that doing any of what I described in the paragraph above would help our relationship?!? Not that our relationship really needs any help. It’s just me!

Maybe I want too much. Maybe I just have to be patient. But straight up, I’m sick of being patient. I was 14 when I first discovered my interests in kink and 16 when I became really serious about those interests. And to this day, I can count the number of times that I’ve gotten to have even just a taste at the experience of those interests on one hand, maybe with the addition of 1 or 2 fingers. I just feel like I’m being neglected…

Like my desires, my interests, my fantasies are all being neglected. Are all being tossed out and ignored and I am so sick of it. I’m sick of these stupid vanilla relationships where the mere mention of enjoying a hand around the throat, throws my partner into thoughts of freaky, twisted things. I want to be able to have sex at any moment of the day that I get all hot and bothered, I want to have sex in places other than my bed in positions other than missionary, I want so badly to get my ass spanked so hard that I’m left with marks for days on end and I want to feel like after I’ve had an orgasm, that I’m absolutely satisfied, not that I could go for another one or another hundred.

I don’t even know how to start a conversation with him that will be in anyway constructive, when I feel so personally attacked by this shit…

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This post is intended for adults 18+


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Sexy Dancing and Hopeful Conversations


So, I think the way to get what I want, sexually speaking, from this relationship is to wear heels. A few nights back, The Boyfriend had mentioned that one day he would like to have sex with me wearing nothing but high heels. Isn’t it nice that days after he mentions a new-found fantasy, I gladly and willingly give it to him?!? Anyways, not the point!

It’s been really hot here, so before the night even got started, I hopped in for a nice cold shower. Then, I slid my heels on and we went out on the deck for a smoke. He’s also mentioned a desire to fuck me on the balcony, but that’s one that I’m a little bit more nervous about. We are literally surrounded by other people and I’m sure one glance out of their balcony doors would give them a nice little show. And while that’s part of the thrill of the whole thing, I’m just not there yet. However, we did tease each other more than a bit on the balcony, giving us the perfect start to a fun-filled evening.

When you get to the edge of my living room, there is a divider wall and then the stairs. This divider wall has a post about 5 or 6 inches across that goes right up to the ceiling. I had never realized before last night, but it makes a pretty decent little area to lean up against while he plays from behind. So in my high heels and at this point, nothing but a short housecoat, I instructed him to put on a playlist entitled “sex” and began gently swaying my hips as I bent over and against this post.

As the likes of Rabba Shanks, Barry Manilow, Salt N’ Pepa and Bubba Sparxxx (not a playlist I made, so don’t knock the choices!) flooded the speakers, he came up behind me. Resting his hands on my hips, and pushing himself up against, but not inside of me, he let me continue to curve my hips this way and that and I would even like to believe he was doing a little bit of it himself. I think my wetness took him by surprise, as much as it had taken me the same way.

Gently at first, he thrust himself into me and I continued to grind. He collected my hair in his hands and pulled my head back, causing my whole body to sit into his cock. My legs shook, completely unused to these high heels I was wearing. It’s been a good long while since I’ve even had them on, so I had to keep telling myself, “Just pretend you’re standing on your tip toes!” and I was delighted when this worked, for the most part. Hard, deep and totally sexy thrusting went on for a few minutes, until my calves were on fire from these heels. They’re only about 3 or 4 inches, I think… You’ve probably seen them before. I don’t think I’ve ever worn them for as long as I wore them last night!

I turned around on him and he attempted to raise one leg and enter me up against this post still. Before he even got my leg halfway up, I quickly said no. I was not about to even think about falling down the stairs, which I mean, wouldn’t have been all that easy, but it could’ve happened! He tried saying he had “got me”, but I was not having any of that. I straightened my housecoat out and walked away, instructing him to get our bed ready.

We recently got a webcam and we’ve been making quite a few different videos. It started as my suggestion, the overall record-sex-with-webcam idea. But I wasn’t about to be the one to say, “Wanna turn on the cam tonight?” first, so it was a huge relief when he said it first. I think we’re up to 5 or 6, and chances are you will never see any of them 😉 Again, not the point!

He had promised me earlier in the week that tonight we would watch over all the videos we had made. I had already seen them all but he hadn’t seen any yet. The night before last, we had the camera rolling for our 4th successful go at anal and that was, of course, the video that he wanted to see first. It was already really late by this point, as the previous teasing had probably gone on for over 2 hours! So, The Boyfriend was pretty tired and it was rather visible, but he patiently sat watching fighting the urge to close his eyes and it ended up being much more fun than I had expected it to be.

As we watched and were both taken aback by how quickly the anal happened, even though we felt like it had gone on for so long, The Boyfriend began talking about how proud he was that I did so well. A few good girls got mentioned, causing me to shiver with joy every single time. Then, he said, “We should get you a sticker chart…”, to which my body completely stiffened as I anticipated the words that escaped his lips moments later, “… And we could track how many times in a period of time that we successfully have anal. Then, if you get that certain number of stickers, you could get a spanking.” I was literally speechless!!

Imagine my absolute delight when he said all this. I told him that what he just described incorporates so much of what I want. Rewards for good (sexual) deeds, anal training and impact play. And all I have to do is have anal every once and awhile. Sounds like a good freaking deal to me! Who knows if it will ever go past that conversation – knowing him it won’t – but for now, I’m just going to live vicariously through that conversation. And now, we’re back at the video…

TO BE CONTINUED ….

This post is intended for adults 18+


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All I Can Think About…


 

All day today, whenever I’ve had just a spare moment to think, I completely blank out and all I can think about is:

That’s Right!
Spanking!

I want it for fun, I want it for pleasure, I want it for punishment, I want it for pain, I want it for foreplay and I want it all the time! All I seem to keep going back to is having a nice bare hand come down on my firm bare ass. I long to feel my skin flinch beneath the force and I crave my moans of ecstacy.

I want to be made to bend this way and that, in whatever angle my ass looks most pleasing, and I want a succession of blows rained upon it. I want my cheeks to swell and pulse with the hot redness only bare hands can provide and I want to feel on fire with the passion that is gravitating towards my dampening lips.

I desperately want to be flung over his knee and pinned down as I struggle against the burning contact. I want him to pull my head back and gently slip his finger into me, before continuing to spank me, telling me that I’ve been a very dirty and yet still a very good girl. I want to be made to suck his cock as he continues to slap my bare behind, the skin scorching and my pussy frantically desiring him in it.

Even after a build up that feels as if it lasts forever, the sex begins and he steadily and rhythmically slaps my flesh, causing me to screech and flinch with every thrust. He slows down and slaps my ass harder and then thrusts faster and harder as sharper slaps fall on my flesh. I push against it, sweat dripping from my hair and no matter how hard he slaps, I still crave it harder and faster and rougher.

And of course, every time I think it, I also think, “This will never be my reality…”

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Reviewing Some Things…


 

Why is it that I suck so hard at completing the simplest of goals? You’d think I’d be talking about cleaning my house (which I’m sucking at as well, but isn’t the point of today’s post) or going to work every single day… But no! This is totally Sex Bucket List-related. How can I take these ideas that are in my head and make them work for my life?

Blogging about every sex session… I have wanted to do this for so long. So I put it on my 2012 Sex Bucket List and guess what…? I haven’t blogged about a sex session since before the new year. Which would make sense if my sex life was still sucking as much as it was a few months back, but it doesn’t. I can only remember one time in the last long while where I got to the point of not being able to stand the length anymore, and that was both of our faults, not just his. Darn us and our ability to stay up WAY too late!

But there have been some amazing times. Like my 3rd successful go at anal, which turned out really great. We both came, he was tender like he was the first time and it was honestly really nice. There’s also been nights when I’ve insisted on giving him head without getting anything in return and we haven’t had nights like that in forever. There have been a lot of really great experiences. So, why am I not writing about them?

Part of the problem is that we have sex right before bed. Literally, sex is over, smoke is had and now it’s time for sleep. So I don’t write about it when it’s all still fresh in my mind. Then normally, I work the next day and when you spend the next six hours focusing on mostly your work, it is incredibly difficult to remember much about the sex you had the night before, no matter how spectacular it was. You can never remember how it was exactly that you ended up getting into that awkward position and you can’t recall who came first or if you came at exactly the same moment. You can’t remember many other details about it that make writing about sexual experiences so fun, like what he smelt like or how the sweat latched onto his curly hair.

And then from both my sex bucket lists (1 & 2), I’ve got “Wear my Ben-Wa Balls”. I got two different sets of Ben-Wa Balls a few years back. When I opened them up, they were much smaller than I had imagined they would be and I’ve had 4 kids! I expect things to not be able to grip very easily (though I have no actual proof of this and I’ve never had anyone say anything to the effect – on the contrary), so I just assume that those balls have got to be too tiny for my pussy to hold onto. Then again, isn’t that the point.

So anyways, I want to learn more about if these things are too small and if I should get rid of them and find bigger ones. And I keep meaning to, but then I see all these numbers with these ones weighing this much and being of this diameter – and people, if I haven’t said it enough, I really SUCK at math. Do you know much about Ben-Wa Balls and how to use them? Leave me a comment!

All of my BDSM/Fetish stuff has completely escaped my mind and I’ve barely thought about it, in the sense of actually doing any of it. Sure, I still fantasize, but now it seriously and truly is just a fantasy. It’s no longer The Boyfriend I see holding or receiving the torture device, it is now a blurry image of what used to be a man. It’s no longer him watching on as I caress a blurry woman’s body, it is now just a blurry figure in a chair. When I fantasize, these things aren’t happening to me – they are now happening to the Russian woman who has long been a character in my dreams.

Ever since I was young, I remember having these dreams of a woman with very long black hair, dressed from head to toe in white fur – sometimes a black body stocking (though this is because, as I later discover, that she is an international spy) – and she’s always got this intense look on her face as she takes me on these wild adventures in my sleep, that often leave me waking with a case of the sweats. As I got older and older, this woman also became the woman of my fantasies – the character that played me, as it were, in the scenario. She is the ultimate of how I’d love to look, if I could choose those things at will.

She embodies the characteristics I believe every woman should have: strength, courage, confidence, sex appeal, dignity and all those other positive strong attributes, that I’m hoping you can imagine. She is also incredibly sexy in my perception of her and the second I see her defined cheekbones and those incredible eyes, I immediately feel overwhelmingly intrigued. I’ve only ever seen one woman in real life that came as close to amazing looking as the woman in my dreams/fantasies, but that could’ve been the lighting and the alcohol… Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see…

Anyways, the point is that my desire towards BDSM has somewhat diminished as I see it becoming less and less attainable for me. The Boyfriend has made it very loudly clear that he is not going to share, period. Doesn’t matter what the gender or sexual fetish is, doesn’t matter if there’s sex or no sex, he won’t even hear anything of ideas or concepts on how to make it work, before completely shutting me down. And I understand it, I’d probably be the exact same way. And honestly, the sharing thing has always been another thing that I never thought would truly come to fruition.

He’s also made it pretty clear that he has no interest in participating. Spanking is completely out of the question and he absolutely refuses to indulge me. It’s very rare that a sex toy even gets brought out anymore as I think he’d rather be the one giving the pleasure. I wonder if I’ve ever made him feel inferior or lacking in ability to pleasure me? I hope not, because he gives me a great amount of pleasure. Regardless of the lack of kink.

I’m not saying that I’m ready to give up, but I’m definitely not striving for it as hard as I have in my past. Maybe one day, the drive will come back to me, but right now it’s sadly on the back burner. Luckily, that’s not saying for sex altogether, just the kinky stuff. Vanilla sex, well I’ll be gunning for that 24/7 and I’m hoping, now that I’ve released this pent up piece of shit, that writing about vanilla sex will become a more frequent thing. So cross your fingers for me 😉

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Some of My Posts on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous


I’ve been working really hard on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous lately and have written a couple blog posts that I’d love for you to check out and leave your feedback on. I’ve been trying really hard to write more about blogging, though it’s not as easy as it seems!

You can always check out my latest blog posts on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous by visiting my blog page. So, here’s some of the posts that I’ve been doing:

  • 10 Songs About Blogging and the Internet
    Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous finally jumped on the YouTube bandwagon!! To commemorate, here are 10 YouTube videos that features blogging, the internet, Twitter and Facebook.
  • 800+ Post Ideas for Your Blog
     Days of scouring the internet has resulted in the most comprehensive list of blog post ideas on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. Take these ideas, apply them to your blog, and you’ll have enough posts to last you 2 1/2 years, assuming you post everyday!
  • 7 Tips for a Mind-Boggling Orgasm
     These 7 tips are sure to help you reach a mind-boggling, leg-shaking, face-numbing, body-floating orgasm! I’ll give you a sneak peak at 3 of the tips:

    • Get Naked
    • Foreplay First
    • Don’t Take Things Too Seriously
  • My Top 5 Blogging Tips
    What every blogger should know! 5 of my best blogging tips including facts and statistics like “readers are 56% more likely to click on a blue link“.
  • One Chore: The Dishes
    I have two erotic stories/fantasies written on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. This one is about domestic discipline, which is also a forum topic. My other erotic story/fantasy on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous is Caged Cuckold which, you guessed it, is all about cuckoldry.

So there’s some of my favorite blog posts that I’ve written on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. Leave a comment and let me know which one is your favorite and if you haven’t become a member on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous yet, you should!


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From the Vault: The Brighton Tales


It has been a number of months since a new chapter of The Brighton Tales has been published, so today from the vault, I give to you the first six chapters of this magnificent tale.

Continue reading

This post is intended for adults 18+


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An Intro to Sexual Bucket Lists


Sexual Bucket List searches seem to bring some of the greatest traffic to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind. Some of the most popular search terms include “sexual to do list”, “sexual bucket list”, “sexual bucket list ideas” and “bdsm to do list”.

Today, I not only present you with a great strategy to create your own sexual bucket list, I’m also inviting you to check out my own new and improved sexual bucket list to help you generate ideas. Read on to learn more about sexual bucket lists.

What is a Sexual Bucket List?

The idea of creating a Bucket List, a list of things to do before you die or kick the bucket (hence, Bucket List), became increasingly popular after the release of Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson’s movie “The Bucket List”. The two men, both terminally ill, escape from a cancer ward to spend their final days on a mission to complete a wishlist of to do’s before they die.

Shortly after the release of the movie, the blogosphere became filled with bucket lists. You could read about people’s greatest wants and there are even a few blogs about bloggers who are working to complete their bucket list. Soon after, adult bloggers jumped on the bucket list bandwagon with their very own style of bucket list, the sexual bucket list.

Essentially, your sexual bucket list is a way for you to gather all your sexual desires into one spot. Everything you’ve ever wanted to do, secretly thought about, or want to experience more of, can be added to your sexual bucket list.

The sexual bucket list offers you the ability to evaluate, define, discover and process your sexual urges, desires and fantasies. One of my favorite things about a sexual bucket list is its ability to open the lines of communications between partners where fantasies and desires are concerned. Exchanging sexual bucket lists can result in interesting fun.

What does a Sexual Bucket List look like?

That’s really up to you! I personally, being an organization freak, enjoy making up headings for different categories, and using cute fonts and bullet lists. You can see my bucket list here. But that’s not the only way to make your sexual bucket list.

You could write out detailed descriptions of the sexual activities you’d like to have before you kick the bucket. You could just do a long list of the things you’d like to achieve. If you’re blogging and really want to have some impact, you could just do pictures of others doing things you want to do (of course, being careful not to infringe on any copyright laws) or you could dedicate an entire blog to writing up fantasies of the things that you’d like to do sexually.

What your sexual bucket list looks like, is completely up to you. You can write it on your blog, in a word processing program or Notepad, write it in a journal, or write it on a scrap of paper that you keep tucked in your nightstand drawer, or pants pocket (great if you’re known for checking things off your sexual bucket list).

What to include in your Sexual Bucket List?

Again, this is really up to you. What do you want to experience sexually that you haven’t already? Your sexual bucket list also doesn’t have to just include sex acts, but can also include erotic acts or even sexual enhancement acts. For instance, if you wanted to experience Tantric Sex, you could have as a sexual bucket list item, “Attend a Tantric Sex Class”. Or let’s say you wanted to experience what it was like to take an erotic photograph, you could have a sexual bucket list item, “Learn how to use camera lighting to soften nude photographs”. Hopefully, you see where I’m going with this. The list item doesn’t have to be directly sex, but can be an item that will enhance and assist you in defining and experiencing your sexuality.

There are literally thousands, if not millions, of different sex acts, fetishes and kinks in the world. We’ve listed just over 100 ideas alone. Which ones interest you? Which ones could you see yourself doing? Which ones are your fantasies? Which ones would you like to experience before you kick the bucket?

Why make a Sexual Bucket List?

Why not? There are a bunch of reasons why you should make a sexual bucket list and virtually no reasons why you shouldn’t. First off, it’s a great reference point for you to always have clearly defined limits and boundaries. It’s also wonderful for deciding what it is you really want for yourself sexually. We are all sexual beings, and we should embrace that.

A sexual bucket list can also be a tool for communication about your sexual wants and needs. Whether you’re sharing the actual list with your sex partner or using it as starting point for a verbal conversation, it takes the awkwardness out of talking about sex and fantasies.

In my opinion, defining your sexuality is key to comfort-ability in your sexuality. The more you know about who you are as a sexual being, the more you can enjoy having sex. The only way sex is going to be amazing for you, is if you clearly know what you like and what you don’t like. Once you’ve got that figured out, you’ll know where you want to go, sexually speaking. The sexual bucket list is your opportunity to explore and discover your deepest desires and darkest fantasies.

Why so morbid, Sexual Bucket List?

When I’m creating my own sexual bucket list, the thought of death never enters my brain. We all die, and I’m over it. Yes, the concept of a sexual bucket list is quite morbid, but the idea of it is quite exhilarating. And don’t worry, no one expects you to die if you complete all the items on your sexual bucket list!

I generally tend not to use the terms Sexual Bucket List, mostly because I don’t like the idea of putting sex and death together. I call my bucket list, my Sexual To Do List. You can call your sexual bucket list whatever you’d like to call it, you can even call it nothing at all.

Your sexual bucket list also doesn’t have to be a list about things you’re going to do before you can die. It can just be a list of things to do, period. And your sexual bucket list can change and evolve, just as your sexuality can. So don’t be afraid to go back and modify your list whenever it feels like you need to.

Conversation Starters

  • Have you created a sexual bucket list? What was the experience like for you? If you have a link to your sexual bucket list, please feel free to leave it in the comments.
  • What are your thoughts on sexual bucket lists? Do you think they are beneficial, or do you think they are a waste of time?
  • Who would you share your bucket list with? Friends, families, partners, anyone willing to read?
  • Have you checked anything off your own sexual bucket list? Share that with us in the comments.
  • What are some ideas for things to include in a sexual bucket list? Vanilla or kinky, I want your suggestions.
  • Is there anything about sexual bucket lists that you would like to learn more about?
  • Any other thoughts? Share them in the comments!