The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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My Punk Rock Playlist


Tonight, I’m travelling back to the year 2000-ish and rocking out with my cock out to some good ole fashioned punk rock. It started with a desire to listen to Against Me! after discovering a new band called fun. This has led me on a journey through Rancid, Anti-Flag, The Distillers, Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards, Choking Victim, Less Than Jake, and tons more!

I used to be so into punk music that I even had my own little zine called “It’s a Punk Rock Life” (I can’t believe this is still on the web! I warn you, it’s not very good ;). My phase lasted for about 4 years, where the only music I believed was good music was punk music. I had a mohawk, which I begged my mother for for months on end, I went to punk shows and skanked in the pit, and I even argued with The Distillers when it was rumored that they would be joining Warner Bros. Records via their forums…

So, here’s 20 of my favorite punk rock songs:

  1. Ruby Soho
    by Rancid
  2. Sound System
    by Operation Ivy
  3. Die for your Government
    by Anti-Flag
  4. Those Anarcho Punx Are Mysterious
    by Against Me!
  5. Look What Happened
    by Less Than Jake
  6. Crack Rock Steady
    by Choking Victim
  7. Gyspy Rose Lee
    by the Distillers
  8. Hollywood Babylon
    by the Misfits
  9. Exploited Barmy Army
    by The Exploited
  10. Big A, Little a
    by Crass
  11. Kill the Poor
    by Dead Kennedys
  12. I Fell Asleep on My Arm
    by The Aquabats
  13. Whoops, I Od’d
    by NOFX
  14. New Noise
    by Refused
  15. Fuck Authority
    by Pennywise
  16. Raise Your Voice!
    by Bad Religion
  17. Swing Life Away
    by Rise Against
  18. At least I’m not as sad as I used to be
    by fun.
  19. To Have or To Have Not
    by Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards
  20. This Town
    by Deviates

So there you have it, there’s some of what I’m listening to tonight. What are your favorite punk rock bands? What do you think was the best time period for punk rock? Have you ever seen the movie SLC Punk? If not, you should!

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Don’t Get Me Wrong


I’ve learnt a lesson over the last few months, and that is to not complain about your sex life. If it’s not what you want it to be, you need to do something to change it. I’ve also learnt that patience is of great importance, because things and situations change.

Tonight, I feel like complaining a little bit though. Not even really complaining, so much as talking about something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. Okay, maybe two things that have been on my mind.

First, I want a girlfriend!!! I’ve been saying for so many years now that I’m bi-curious. I’ve been attracted to women for as long as I can remember. My first girl crush was Lori Petty from Tank Girl, and since then I’ve had many girl crushes – even girls who weren’t celebrities.

I’ve always found women to be very attractive. Often when I masturbate, if I’m visualizing anything, it’s a woman. Awhile back, I had come to terms with the fact that it was never going to happen. I can’t stand sharing at all. And with my rather low self-esteem, the worst thing I could do is allow The Boyfriend to be a part of my relationship with a girl. If he saw her naked, I would probably snap!

But I’ve seriously been considering talking to him about the whole thing. The other thing that’s been on my mind kind of plays into it too. Not only do I want a girlfriend, but I want my own submissive. I want a girl submissive. That way there isn’t that jealousy where having a male submissive is concerned.

And since any sort of kink, outside of handcuffs, has been completely eradicated from our sex life, I want some kind of outlet. It would be especially perfect because I could still be submissive with The Boyfriend, but finally release my built-up Dominant tendencies. I’ve kind of become very complacent where adding kink in our sex life is concerned.

For awhile there, I was trying to almost force it on The Boyfriend. But lately, his interest level has dropped dramatically and it almost never gets mentioned. When I do say something about it, there is almost no reaction from him whatsoever. So I’ve just kind of left it alone. I mention it every once and awhile but for the most part, I’m moving on.

How do you bring this kind of thing up? He’s been in relationships in the past where the girlfriend let another girl get in the way. I just really want to experiment with this and I don’t plan on breaking up with him anytime in the future, so how do I go about getting what I want without hurting him? And how do you keep the girlfriend separate from The Boyfriend? I don’t even know how it would work at all… Just my thoughts for the night.


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YouTube Obsessed!


Normally, I’m not one to spend very much time on YouTube, except when I’m uploading my own videos. I tend to hate weeding through all the crap (no offense!) to get to something I’ll actually enjoy.

Recently, I renovated Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, and we now offer the ability to share videos right on the site from video sharing sites like YouTube and Vimeo. Well, since member activity has been kind of low since the reno, I’ve been trying to add interesting content in hopes of members taking it as a hint and adding their own interesting content. So, YouTube has been being watched like it’s going out of style.

I’ll tell you something, when you find something good on YouTube, it’s really good!! I’ve been loving finding the stuff that I’ve been finding, so I thought I’d take some time to share some of playlists and other stuff that I’ve been loving.

First, I’ve created a playlist for potential videos for Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. If you don’t know what LBA is, just check my sidebar, and please don’t hesitate to visit the site and become a member (It’s FREE!). Here’s the LBA Videos Playlist. Some of this stuff hasn’t been put up on the site yet, and some of it probably won’t ever even make it there, so enjoy!

In the creation of the LBA Videos Playlist, I’ve become extremely obsessed with a particular YouTube-r, and have officially decided that I want to be so much like her that it’s retarded. If you get a chance to check out Sex+ on YouTube, or visit lacigreen.tv, I would strongly suggest it. Laci Green is seriously an amazing woman and sex positive advocate. Her honest and open discussions toward sexuality are my new Saturday favorites.

You can check out all her videos on Sex+, and every Saturday she adds a new episode. I’m even following her on Twitter, you can too @gogreen18!

I’ve also come across some really great blogging-related videos on YouTube, from funny to musical and everywhere in between. You can check out my Blogging Videos Playlist here. My absolute favorite video from my blogging playlist is:

Last but not least,  yesterday on Facebook, I got my very first song request!!! I’ve never gotten a song request before, so it was quite flattering. Now, I have a whole new song to learn, but I hope to have it up within the next week. Also, coming very soon (as soon as she learns to stop screaming into the camera), Kaeidyn and I have planned a duet, so stay tuned to my YouTube channel.

I officially invite all of you to feel free to send me song requests, because I’d love to do them. You can send me a message via my contact page, e-mail me at valerierayne@hotmail.com, become a fan of my Facebook page and leave a comment there or send a tweet to @blogaholica with your song request.

Do you have any favorite YouTube videos? Let me know in the comments!!


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Sickness…


The last two days or so, has been nothing but sick and tired kids around the house. First, Kaeidyn started getting this cough. The next day she had a fever and spent almost the entire day sleeping on the couch. Then, the next day, Kenzie slept most of the day away on the couch and was the calmest I have seen him in years.

Later that night, Keirnan started getting unusually calm. Lazing on the couch or curled up under a blanket on the floor. Yesterday, the boys had fevers and it was so quiet! Today, they are all healthy and energetic and now I’m sick….

I knew I was going to get sick eventually. My throat has had this odd tight feeling to it for awhile now, and then yesterday barely anything, and then I woke up this morning and I feel incredibly sick. It sucks. I hate winter for how sick I am all the time.

We did the first WTMFI Wednesdays on the Wednesday that just passed. It was hectic and a lot of work, but I got it out and did some promotion for it. Now I’m working on getting #2 up and running. The best part is there’s about a thousand ways to participate (over-exaggeration), so hopefully someone other than me will. Here’s some links for you to check out:

I’ve been doing pretty good at keeping the living room clean and the dishes done. I had a few days where I did nothing at all. I washed out the bathtub once to take a bath and that was it. I’ve officially decided that there will be no more making to-do lists the night before.

I tend to lay in bed and make up these lists of things I want to do the next day, and then they never get done. I’ll make these huge lists and none of it ever gets done. So no more nightly to-do lists. After making that change, I’ve actually been getting stuff done. I’ve even vacuumed two days in a row, which is definitely rare.

That’s pretty much all that’s been going on around here lately. Cleaning, dealing with colds, working on websites and making a few changes. What’s new with you?


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Not Up For It…


Tomorrow is going to be a horrible day. After yesterday, I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. I had mentioned the other day about the whole Work Placement Training thing, and how I had gotten an interview through that. Well, I went to the interview and it literally lasted all of 5 minutes. I got to the building at 9:58 AM and I was heading home by 10:04 AM. Needless to say, I’m convinced that the interview didn’t go all that well.

Then I got a letter in the mail (darn this time of season for the constant mailbox fill), saying that I had to go to a job fair tomorrow. I’ve never been to a job fair, so automatically my nerves are on edge. Add in to the fact the failures that I’ve had where interviews are concerned lately, and my complete lack of skills and qualifications pointing and laughing at me, my job-level confidence is absolutely and completely shot.

The first thing I’ve learnt from doing all these interviews, and the one that I have the hardest time not doing, is when you’re 24 and looking for a job, don’t mention that you have 4 kids. In the last two interviews I’ve done, the second I say anything about the kids, eyebrows are raised, “That’s interesting” is muttered, and I see any hope of getting the job flutter out the door.

I wish employers would look at the fact that I’m so young with four kids as more of an impressive thing. In employment counseling, they build you up about it. How the skills that you use as a parent are such big things when you think about it.

Who controls the monthly budget? I do, so I’m a financial advisor or a budget specialist. Who goes grocery shopping and writes the lists based on needs? I do, so I’m a inventory control specialist. Who cleans the house? I do (and my Mom does), so we’re housekeepers and waste management specialists and so much more! Why can’t the fact that I’m a domestic engineer be a serious job?

I hate that it’s not more impressive to an employer that I have 4 kids, all who still live with me and have never been taken away from me. That has to say a whole heck of a lot about me. I’m reliable, I’m responsible, I’m hard-working, I’m mature – all of these things are things I think about other moms. Why can’t an employer see that in me? Why is it such a turn off that I have so many kids?

So I’m going to this job fair tomorrow, because it is mandatory. I’m hating that I have to go, because I am so low down on my confidence, that I feel like I can’t sell myself no matter how hard I try to a potential employer. I also don’t want to leave out that I have all these kids, being that an employer needs to know that they are my number one priority.

I’m also worried about childcare. In no way, even with subsidy from the government, could I afford daycare or dayhomes. Even if I could, I’d probably be put on a 6-month long waiting list. I have one person I can use as a childcare provider, because I really don’t know anyone here except for my Mom, and I can rely on her only as long as she doesn’t get a job and as long as her boyfriend’s not in town. So for one week every month, I have to have a back-up plan. It’s almost impossible to have a back-up plan right now…

I hate how much work and job-searching stresses me out. Just had to rant. Now, I have to go deal with the kids, who keep hurting each other, screaming and yelling, causing havoc and destroying the house. Argh…


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I Wish I Was Special


Part of my goals for 2011 is to start uploading videos to YouTube once a week. So far, I’ve done pretty darn good. Now, I just gotta hurry up and get another one out there.

This week, I’m bringing you my cover of Radiohead’s “Creep”. I got my tabs at Ultimate Guitar – as always. Don’t hesitate to comment, like and subscribe by visiting my YouTube channel.


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Cross Your Fingers


So today ended up being a pretty exciting day, and it’s only 10:30 AM! Let me explain. First, I saw an ad in the paper for a job that I would love to have, so on a whim, I sent off my resume and went for an interview. I’m sure I didn’t get the job as a medical transcriptionist, which only sucks because it’s something he was willing to let the right person do at home, which would be absolutely perfect for me.

I was a little down and out about it, but nothing major. Then, I got a letter in the mail saying that the largest portion of my monthly income is going to be gone in 2 months. Needless to say, I’m panicking about getting a job in time.

But looking for a job is just a hugely depressing thing. Stressful, annoying, irritating, you name the negative emotion, I feel it towards job searching. I’ve really never seriously worked, to be completely honest. Yes, I’ve had jobs, but nothing I was ever serious or dedicated to. Nothing that really gave me any skills or qualifications and most of my jobs were rather short-term.

My first job, McDonald’s at the age of 16, was the only job I ever really loved. I worked with a really amazing team, I got some awesome training and I really felt like I was going somewhere. Then we had to move, so it ended up being a really short-lived job. I didn’t work again until I got pregnant with Kaeidyn.

Two jobs during the course of pregnancy with her, McDonald’s and Western Inventory Services. I know, it’s totally ironic that I’ve worked 2 inventory jobs even though I suck with numbers! McDonald’s the second time really sucked. It was a horrible job, with a horrible team and a horrible environment. WIS was a good job, but the travel was too much for me, and the quitting point was landing myself in the hospital. I didn’t work again until after Kenzie was born.

Working as a Karaoke/Name That Tune Hostess/DJ was an incredible experience. It paid pretty decently too, though not a job to rely on for rent. I would probably still be doing it if it weren’t for the fact that you can’t haul speakers and equipment around with you on the bus! Transportation made the job impossible.

My longest lasting job was when my Mom and Aunt worked at the Red Deer Traveler’s Inn and I got a job there because of that. It was a good job, though not altogether satisfying. I made pretty good money, and it was a nice place to work. But again, none of these jobs really provided me with any significant skills or qualifications. So job searching is really daunting for me with my pathetic job history and lack of skills.

This morning, as I’m searching around on the internet for various jobs, my lack of skills and lack of high school completion, just kept laughing at me. Literally pointing it’s finger and laughing. But then the phone rang…

Finally, all this employment counseling feels like it’s in some way paying off. We’ve been discussing this Work Placement Training program for months now. It’s a generally new program where the government will reimburse employers up to 70% of an un-skilled workers wages, in place of on-the-job training. The counselors keep saying that it’s perfect for me, since I have no discernible skills to speak of. For me, it sounds like an exciting opportunity. Up until today, it seemed like it was never going to happen.

So now, my resume is being forwarded to an employer who is interested in the Work Placement Training program. It sounds like it would be a fun job for the most part, and I’m hoping I’ll at least get an interview. Really, any of the jobs that I’ve applied to in the last couple of days getting back to me for an interview would be nice.

My biggest worry about going back to work is babysitters. If we lived closer to The Boyfriend’s sister, it wouldn’t be a problem. She’s always the first one to offer babysitting. But we don’t live very close to her and I would have to bus it to her place and then to work, with all 3 or 4 of the kids, depending on the day and whether or not there’s school. The only other person I have to babysit is my Mom, but I don’t want to rely on her. She’s got her own life to live, and didn’t sign on to be my perpetual babysitter. Though she’s agreed to do it for the time being if we need.

Ugh… It’s just so much more work than I’m prepared for. But, I gotta do what I gotta do. And even when I feel like I can’t, somehow I always seem to be able to pull that off. Let’s just cross our fingers that I get a good job that I really enjoy and that everything else will just work itself out.