The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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My Punk Rock Playlist


Tonight, I’m travelling back to the year 2000-ish and rocking out with my cock out to some good ole fashioned punk rock. It started with a desire to listen to Against Me! after discovering a new band called fun. This has led me on a journey through Rancid, Anti-Flag, The Distillers, Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards, Choking Victim, Less Than Jake, and tons more!

I used to be so into punk music that I even had my own little zine called “It’s a Punk Rock Life” (I can’t believe this is still on the web! I warn you, it’s not very good ;). My phase lasted for about 4 years, where the only music I believed was good music was punk music. I had a mohawk, which I begged my mother for for months on end, I went to punk shows and skanked in the pit, and I even argued with The Distillers when it was rumored that they would be joining Warner Bros. Records via their forums…

So, here’s 20 of my favorite punk rock songs:

  1. Ruby Soho
    by Rancid
  2. Sound System
    by Operation Ivy
  3. Die for your Government
    by Anti-Flag
  4. Those Anarcho Punx Are Mysterious
    by Against Me!
  5. Look What Happened
    by Less Than Jake
  6. Crack Rock Steady
    by Choking Victim
  7. Gyspy Rose Lee
    by the Distillers
  8. Hollywood Babylon
    by the Misfits
  9. Exploited Barmy Army
    by The Exploited
  10. Big A, Little a
    by Crass
  11. Kill the Poor
    by Dead Kennedys
  12. I Fell Asleep on My Arm
    by The Aquabats
  13. Whoops, I Od’d
    by NOFX
  14. New Noise
    by Refused
  15. Fuck Authority
    by Pennywise
  16. Raise Your Voice!
    by Bad Religion
  17. Swing Life Away
    by Rise Against
  18. At least I’m not as sad as I used to be
    by fun.
  19. To Have or To Have Not
    by Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards
  20. This Town
    by Deviates

So there you have it, there’s some of what I’m listening to tonight. What are your favorite punk rock bands? What do you think was the best time period for punk rock? Have you ever seen the movie SLC Punk? If not, you should!


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Don’t Get Me Wrong


I’ve learnt a lesson over the last few months, and that is to not complain about your sex life. If it’s not what you want it to be, you need to do something to change it. I’ve also learnt that patience is of great importance, because things and situations change.

Tonight, I feel like complaining a little bit though. Not even really complaining, so much as talking about something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. Okay, maybe two things that have been on my mind.

First, I want a girlfriend!!! I’ve been saying for so many years now that I’m bi-curious. I’ve been attracted to women for as long as I can remember. My first girl crush was Lori Petty from Tank Girl, and since then I’ve had many girl crushes – even girls who weren’t celebrities.

I’ve always found women to be very attractive. Often when I masturbate, if I’m visualizing anything, it’s a woman. Awhile back, I had come to terms with the fact that it was never going to happen. I can’t stand sharing at all. And with my rather low self-esteem, the worst thing I could do is allow The Boyfriend to be a part of my relationship with a girl. If he saw her naked, I would probably snap!

But I’ve seriously been considering talking to him about the whole thing. The other thing that’s been on my mind kind of plays into it too. Not only do I want a girlfriend, but I want my own submissive. I want a girl submissive. That way there isn’t that jealousy where having a male submissive is concerned.

And since any sort of kink, outside of handcuffs, has been completely eradicated from our sex life, I want some kind of outlet. It would be especially perfect because I could still be submissive with The Boyfriend, but finally release my built-up Dominant tendencies. I’ve kind of become very complacent where adding kink in our sex life is concerned.

For awhile there, I was trying to almost force it on The Boyfriend. But lately, his interest level has dropped dramatically and it almost never gets mentioned. When I do say something about it, there is almost no reaction from him whatsoever. So I’ve just kind of left it alone. I mention it every once and awhile but for the most part, I’m moving on.

How do you bring this kind of thing up? He’s been in relationships in the past where the girlfriend let another girl get in the way. I just really want to experiment with this and I don’t plan on breaking up with him anytime in the future, so how do I go about getting what I want without hurting him? And how do you keep the girlfriend separate from The Boyfriend? I don’t even know how it would work at all… Just my thoughts for the night.


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YouTube Obsessed!


Normally, I’m not one to spend very much time on YouTube, except when I’m uploading my own videos. I tend to hate weeding through all the crap (no offense!) to get to something I’ll actually enjoy.

Recently, I renovated Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, and we now offer the ability to share videos right on the site from video sharing sites like YouTube and Vimeo. Well, since member activity has been kind of low since the reno, I’ve been trying to add interesting content in hopes of members taking it as a hint and adding their own interesting content. So, YouTube has been being watched like it’s going out of style.

I’ll tell you something, when you find something good on YouTube, it’s really good!! I’ve been loving finding the stuff that I’ve been finding, so I thought I’d take some time to share some of playlists and other stuff that I’ve been loving.

First, I’ve created a playlist for potential videos for Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. If you don’t know what LBA is, just check my sidebar, and please don’t hesitate to visit the site and become a member (It’s FREE!). Here’s the LBA Videos Playlist. Some of this stuff hasn’t been put up on the site yet, and some of it probably won’t ever even make it there, so enjoy!

In the creation of the LBA Videos Playlist, I’ve become extremely obsessed with a particular YouTube-r, and have officially decided that I want to be so much like her that it’s retarded. If you get a chance to check out Sex+ on YouTube, or visit lacigreen.tv, I would strongly suggest it. Laci Green is seriously an amazing woman and sex positive advocate. Her honest and open discussions toward sexuality are my new Saturday favorites.

You can check out all her videos on Sex+, and every Saturday she adds a new episode. I’m even following her on Twitter, you can too @gogreen18!

I’ve also come across some really great blogging-related videos on YouTube, from funny to musical and everywhere in between. You can check out my Blogging Videos Playlist here. My absolute favorite video from my blogging playlist is:

Last but not least,  yesterday on Facebook, I got my very first song request!!! I’ve never gotten a song request before, so it was quite flattering. Now, I have a whole new song to learn, but I hope to have it up within the next week. Also, coming very soon (as soon as she learns to stop screaming into the camera), Kaeidyn and I have planned a duet, so stay tuned to my YouTube channel.

I officially invite all of you to feel free to send me song requests, because I’d love to do them. You can send me a message via my contact page, e-mail me at valerierayne@hotmail.com, become a fan of my Facebook page and leave a comment there or send a tweet to @blogaholica with your song request.

Do you have any favorite YouTube videos? Let me know in the comments!!


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Sickness…


The last two days or so, has been nothing but sick and tired kids around the house. First, Kaeidyn started getting this cough. The next day she had a fever and spent almost the entire day sleeping on the couch. Then, the next day, Kenzie slept most of the day away on the couch and was the calmest I have seen him in years.

Later that night, Keirnan started getting unusually calm. Lazing on the couch or curled up under a blanket on the floor. Yesterday, the boys had fevers and it was so quiet! Today, they are all healthy and energetic and now I’m sick….

I knew I was going to get sick eventually. My throat has had this odd tight feeling to it for awhile now, and then yesterday barely anything, and then I woke up this morning and I feel incredibly sick. It sucks. I hate winter for how sick I am all the time.

We did the first WTMFI Wednesdays on the Wednesday that just passed. It was hectic and a lot of work, but I got it out and did some promotion for it. Now I’m working on getting #2 up and running. The best part is there’s about a thousand ways to participate (over-exaggeration), so hopefully someone other than me will. Here’s some links for you to check out:

I’ve been doing pretty good at keeping the living room clean and the dishes done. I had a few days where I did nothing at all. I washed out the bathtub once to take a bath and that was it. I’ve officially decided that there will be no more making to-do lists the night before.

I tend to lay in bed and make up these lists of things I want to do the next day, and then they never get done. I’ll make these huge lists and none of it ever gets done. So no more nightly to-do lists. After making that change, I’ve actually been getting stuff done. I’ve even vacuumed two days in a row, which is definitely rare.

That’s pretty much all that’s been going on around here lately. Cleaning, dealing with colds, working on websites and making a few changes. What’s new with you?


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Not Up For It…


Tomorrow is going to be a horrible day. After yesterday, I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. I had mentioned the other day about the whole Work Placement Training thing, and how I had gotten an interview through that. Well, I went to the interview and it literally lasted all of 5 minutes. I got to the building at 9:58 AM and I was heading home by 10:04 AM. Needless to say, I’m convinced that the interview didn’t go all that well.

Then I got a letter in the mail (darn this time of season for the constant mailbox fill), saying that I had to go to a job fair tomorrow. I’ve never been to a job fair, so automatically my nerves are on edge. Add in to the fact the failures that I’ve had where interviews are concerned lately, and my complete lack of skills and qualifications pointing and laughing at me, my job-level confidence is absolutely and completely shot.

The first thing I’ve learnt from doing all these interviews, and the one that I have the hardest time not doing, is when you’re 24 and looking for a job, don’t mention that you have 4 kids. In the last two interviews I’ve done, the second I say anything about the kids, eyebrows are raised, “That’s interesting” is muttered, and I see any hope of getting the job flutter out the door.

I wish employers would look at the fact that I’m so young with four kids as more of an impressive thing. In employment counseling, they build you up about it. How the skills that you use as a parent are such big things when you think about it.

Who controls the monthly budget? I do, so I’m a financial advisor or a budget specialist. Who goes grocery shopping and writes the lists based on needs? I do, so I’m a inventory control specialist. Who cleans the house? I do (and my Mom does), so we’re housekeepers and waste management specialists and so much more! Why can’t the fact that I’m a domestic engineer be a serious job?

I hate that it’s not more impressive to an employer that I have 4 kids, all who still live with me and have never been taken away from me. That has to say a whole heck of a lot about me. I’m reliable, I’m responsible, I’m hard-working, I’m mature – all of these things are things I think about other moms. Why can’t an employer see that in me? Why is it such a turn off that I have so many kids?

So I’m going to this job fair tomorrow, because it is mandatory. I’m hating that I have to go, because I am so low down on my confidence, that I feel like I can’t sell myself no matter how hard I try to a potential employer. I also don’t want to leave out that I have all these kids, being that an employer needs to know that they are my number one priority.

I’m also worried about childcare. In no way, even with subsidy from the government, could I afford daycare or dayhomes. Even if I could, I’d probably be put on a 6-month long waiting list. I have one person I can use as a childcare provider, because I really don’t know anyone here except for my Mom, and I can rely on her only as long as she doesn’t get a job and as long as her boyfriend’s not in town. So for one week every month, I have to have a back-up plan. It’s almost impossible to have a back-up plan right now…

I hate how much work and job-searching stresses me out. Just had to rant. Now, I have to go deal with the kids, who keep hurting each other, screaming and yelling, causing havoc and destroying the house. Argh…


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I Wish I Was Special


Part of my goals for 2011 is to start uploading videos to YouTube once a week. So far, I’ve done pretty darn good. Now, I just gotta hurry up and get another one out there.

This week, I’m bringing you my cover of Radiohead’s “Creep”. I got my tabs at Ultimate Guitar – as always. Don’t hesitate to comment, like and subscribe by visiting my YouTube channel.


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Cross Your Fingers


So today ended up being a pretty exciting day, and it’s only 10:30 AM! Let me explain. First, I saw an ad in the paper for a job that I would love to have, so on a whim, I sent off my resume and went for an interview. I’m sure I didn’t get the job as a medical transcriptionist, which only sucks because it’s something he was willing to let the right person do at home, which would be absolutely perfect for me.

I was a little down and out about it, but nothing major. Then, I got a letter in the mail saying that the largest portion of my monthly income is going to be gone in 2 months. Needless to say, I’m panicking about getting a job in time.

But looking for a job is just a hugely depressing thing. Stressful, annoying, irritating, you name the negative emotion, I feel it towards job searching. I’ve really never seriously worked, to be completely honest. Yes, I’ve had jobs, but nothing I was ever serious or dedicated to. Nothing that really gave me any skills or qualifications and most of my jobs were rather short-term.

My first job, McDonald’s at the age of 16, was the only job I ever really loved. I worked with a really amazing team, I got some awesome training and I really felt like I was going somewhere. Then we had to move, so it ended up being a really short-lived job. I didn’t work again until I got pregnant with Kaeidyn.

Two jobs during the course of pregnancy with her, McDonald’s and Western Inventory Services. I know, it’s totally ironic that I’ve worked 2 inventory jobs even though I suck with numbers! McDonald’s the second time really sucked. It was a horrible job, with a horrible team and a horrible environment. WIS was a good job, but the travel was too much for me, and the quitting point was landing myself in the hospital. I didn’t work again until after Kenzie was born.

Working as a Karaoke/Name That Tune Hostess/DJ was an incredible experience. It paid pretty decently too, though not a job to rely on for rent. I would probably still be doing it if it weren’t for the fact that you can’t haul speakers and equipment around with you on the bus! Transportation made the job impossible.

My longest lasting job was when my Mom and Aunt worked at the Red Deer Traveler’s Inn and I got a job there because of that. It was a good job, though not altogether satisfying. I made pretty good money, and it was a nice place to work. But again, none of these jobs really provided me with any significant skills or qualifications. So job searching is really daunting for me with my pathetic job history and lack of skills.

This morning, as I’m searching around on the internet for various jobs, my lack of skills and lack of high school completion, just kept laughing at me. Literally pointing it’s finger and laughing. But then the phone rang…

Finally, all this employment counseling feels like it’s in some way paying off. We’ve been discussing this Work Placement Training program for months now. It’s a generally new program where the government will reimburse employers up to 70% of an un-skilled workers wages, in place of on-the-job training. The counselors keep saying that it’s perfect for me, since I have no discernible skills to speak of. For me, it sounds like an exciting opportunity. Up until today, it seemed like it was never going to happen.

So now, my resume is being forwarded to an employer who is interested in the Work Placement Training program. It sounds like it would be a fun job for the most part, and I’m hoping I’ll at least get an interview. Really, any of the jobs that I’ve applied to in the last couple of days getting back to me for an interview would be nice.

My biggest worry about going back to work is babysitters. If we lived closer to The Boyfriend’s sister, it wouldn’t be a problem. She’s always the first one to offer babysitting. But we don’t live very close to her and I would have to bus it to her place and then to work, with all 3 or 4 of the kids, depending on the day and whether or not there’s school. The only other person I have to babysit is my Mom, but I don’t want to rely on her. She’s got her own life to live, and didn’t sign on to be my perpetual babysitter. Though she’s agreed to do it for the time being if we need.

Ugh… It’s just so much more work than I’m prepared for. But, I gotta do what I gotta do. And even when I feel like I can’t, somehow I always seem to be able to pull that off. Let’s just cross our fingers that I get a good job that I really enjoy and that everything else will just work itself out.


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My Poor Kaeidyn


A few days ago, Kaeidyn started getting a cough. It lasted for about a day and a half and then she stopped coughing and stopped acting sick at all. A couple days passed, and yesterday, she was the sickest she’s been in years.

She spent almost the whole day lazing about and being super cuddly, something that is pretty rare for her. She had a fever and has a really bad cough. She was so pale and fragile looking. Needless to say, it was a pretty restless sleep with her last night.

First, I moved her from my bed back into her own and ended up having to lay with her for a bit so that she’d fall back asleep. She was so worried about her coughs keeping her up. Then constantly throughout the night, she kept coming into my room asking if she could crawl into bed with me. Eventually I gave and said yes.

Then she started complaining about her stomach. I fell asleep rubbing her stomach and every so often she’d wake up saying that she hadn’t slept or that she wasn’t going to get any sleep. Every time, she’d fall back asleep.

By 7:30 this morning, I had Kaeidyn and Keirnan at my feet and Kenzie and Keirnan up beside me. They let me sleep until 9 AM, so it ended up working out in my favor. Unfortunately, I don’t feel like I slept at all! Though apparently, that’s not something new for me.

This entire week has felt like I’ve gotten no sleep. I wake up extremely exhausted, most mornings I end up dozing off in the chair while the kids watch a movie. Everyone just keeps telling me to exercise, and that is becoming annoying.

Yesterday, I got an “Are you pregnant!!!!?” from my aunt that I haven’t seen in awhile, I’ve set out a bunch of goals regarding my health and every single day, it just doesn’t happen. I keep saying “There’s always tomorrow”, and apparently that’s just biting me in the ass.

The exercise thing is only annoying because if it were that simple, don’t you think I’d be doing it? My biggest worry is the pain. Could you imagine me “marching in place” or even worse squats?!?!? My knees are bad, my back is bad, my hands are bad. Everything I do seems to cause me pain, even something as simple as washing the dishes.

The other night I was only able to get half an hour of guitar in before my hands cramped up so bad. I couldn’t even type – and we all know how upset I get when I can’t type… I haven’t started taking my meds again yet, maybe I should. I just hate how something like exercise seems so daunting to me because I’m completely worried about the pain I’m going to be in. And I also know that there’s a good chance the exercise will eventually help the pain I’m in, but I don’t want to wait for eventually and have to go through all the pain in the process. Argh…


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Long Time, No Sing


So it’s been a really long time since I posted any of my songs. And since I deleted my old Google account, and created a new YouTube account, I’ve uploaded 4 songs and haven’t posted a single one on here.

I’m sad tonight after my half an hour session tonight (half an hour less than I usually do), because my hands started to cramp up so bad. But here’s a song a recorded awhile back. I dedicate it to my Mom, and my Grandma, because it was played at Grandma’s funeral and holds a big weight in this family.

I present to you, my traditional remix of Amazing Grace. And for anyone interested, here’s the chords/tabs for Amazing Grace.


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Finally Vulnerable


Well, we finally got the last season of Gilmore Girls. It only took 3 years, but I now officially own Seasons 1 through 7. Albeit, Season 1 &  2 are mostly scratched and ruined, but it’s all good. I’m loving that we have one of my favorite TV shows of all time on DVD. I can just pop it in whenever I want and get my fix. Next, I think we’ll be working on either ER or Queer as Folk.

Last night, was by far one of my most favorite sex nights. I have been begging for a cropping for literally months now. So darn long actually, that I had gotten to the point where I didn’t want a cropping. Just not worth the effort. But I was determined that we were going to have sex. I had bathed and everything for it.

So when we got into bed, I asked if he’d like to handcuff me tonight. We’ve got those really cheapy furry handcuffs, that we got from someone else, and they’ve just been sitting in a box beside my bed for months. Well, let me tell  you, I am so glad that we finally pulled them out. So glad!

I finally got oral sex. So long I’ve been waiting. He put my hands up above my head and fastened the black cuffs around my wrists. I even showed off my boobs last night, which is something that almost never happens. YAY for my “Not a Morning Person” tank top (which by the way, is so true!). Then, he asked if he could eat me out. Which I personally love, asking for it. I’m really an “only if I’ve just showered or bathed” kind of girl. I want to be fully present in that moment, and I can’t when I’m worried about whether I’ve shaved recently or if there’s a *shudders* smell.

But last night, no worries. He listened to me! the last time we talked about oral, and I was saying that I loved giving head for the simple fact that you can play. You can play with your tongue and your lips, and just totally give blissful and playful head. But when a guy eats you out, it’s like the mission is orgasm. It’s get in there and get it done. I’ve never met a guy who was willing to just stay down there for an hour and play, and that’s a shame. Well, I’m happy to report that his listening resulted in a little bit more play than usual. Then after playing, came the turned off vibrator (my favorite one) inside and the frantic licking and sucking playfulness of his tongue. Needles to say, it took me almost no time at all to cum, I had to force myself to take as long as I did.

Even though the cuffs were still on, I still felt very much in control of the situation. Then the sex came. At first my legs were down beside him, but then they were lifted above my head and I knew he was going to go deep, and sure enough, deep he went. Normally, I have the ability to stop if he goes too deep. Normally, I just reach up and pull his hair and he knows to back off a little bit (note our silent communication. That’s so hot!). Last night, I couldn’t pull his hair. He did marvelously not going to deep, but I just kept thinking, “I can’t pull his hair!”

I can remember a long time ago writing about wanting to feel vulnerable. And I did and it was wonderful. As he came, I was overwhelmed with the sense of it. My hands pulled against the handcuffs and I felt their cheap metal rubbing my skin, I felt the muscles in my stomach and legs tense up, and he looked simply stunning to me. He pulled back and immediately undid the handcuffs as I tried to catch my breath and put the entire situation into perspective. The feeling of the cuffs coming off was honestly the most intense part. It felt like release.