The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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Distant Memories


 

This is just a straight up sad post…

The other night, The Boyfriend and I were talking about various things. At one point, I said, “I really want to go dancing at a nightclub” and he said, “You’ve got a better chance of getting laid!”. So of course, I jump straight to, “What about a better chance of getting a spanking?” and his response:

“Don’t Push It!”

Seriously?!? Don’t push it!

Have I not been complaining on this blog that I have been holding back as it is, HARDCORE! I hardly ever mention it to him now and when I do it’s in a completely joking manner and I make that obvious. I know that I’m not going to get it, but seriously?!? Why should I not “push it”? It’s not like when I do “push it” that I get anything out of that. Exactly the opposite, the more I push for it, the less likely I am to get it.

I’m sad that I promised myself after Alfie that I was going to get into a kinky relationship and escape this vanilla-ism. Then, The Boyfriend allowed me glimpses of what I could have, now that I was no longer in a vanilla relationship. For an entire year, we were exploring, we were experimenting, we were both having lots of horny fun. Unless he was seriously faking that entire time. I’m sad that here I am, years later, still in a vanilla relationship.

And I wish there was a way that I could talk him into it. It would be different if you didn’t see spanking in the vanilla world. If spanking was truly just a kinky thing, it would make sense to me that he wouldn’t be interested. It would make sense if at one time, he didn’t enjoy spanking. But he did and spanking appears everywhere in the vanilla world. Especially vanilla porn, which we’ve been watching a heck of a lot of. No complaints there!

Then, Taboo’s coming to town and it’s been on my sexual bucket list. And another year is going to pass where I don’t get to go, because it’s out of The Boyfriend’s comfort level or whatever like that. It’s just so disappointing. I am such a sexual person and I feel like I’m being sexually stunted everywhere I turn. From The Boyfriend’s lack of interest in anything outside of regular normal sex (and the occasional attempt at anal sex) to even my Mom saying that she doesn’t believe that I actually like spankings but more that I like the idea of them.

I call bullshit…

If I didn’t actually like spankings, then I wouldn’t want them all the time! I wouldn’t be thinking about them, when I should be thinking about other things, like my work. I wouldn’t be dreaming of them and I wouldn’t be so upset that I wasn’t getting them. And it’s not just spanking, even though that’s the only word I really use. But it’s impact play in general. It’s spanking, it’s cropping, it’s flogging and it’s a fantasy to be caned (though I’ve never even been close to that experience).

When I think about all the kinky things that I want to experience that I haven’t yet and that I won’t get to, it is almost debilitating the disappointment I feel. So much of my life, so many years, has been made up of the desire to have these things. And so many years has been made of disappointment and let down. I keep thinking that one day I will get it, but then I wonder from who, because it certainly won’t be The Boyfriend.

And it won’t be anyone else. He won’t share me (though I don’t mind that aspect – especially being that I only want to be hit by him) and I won’t leave him over this. Like I’ve said so many times before, outside of this one thing, we have such a great relationship. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a man and everything I didn’t know that I needed. He makes my life better just by being a part of it. How could I possibly give that up just because I’m not getting my kink on?

I’m just at a complete loss of what to do. I hate when the lack of kink starts making me depressed, because it doesn’t make any sense. I hate when I feel like I can’t function because I haven’t gotten the spanking or the flogging or the hair-pulling that I so badly desire. I hate when my day is filled with fantasizing about things that realistically speaking, might never be. I hate when that makes me so sad and I feel helpless to it. I hate when I feel like I have no control over my own sexuality.

Even though, I know full well that I do. I hold the power. But at what cost? 

To get what I want kink-wise, would mean that I would have to leave The Boyfriend and find a kinky person to play with on a semi-regular basis. Sounds like a simple thing, doesn’t it? It’s not! It’s not, especially when you love The Boyfriend and especially when you have 4 kids. I can’t even describe to you the amount of difficulty that that presents. And not a simple, “I can fix this” type of difficult, it’s such a complex, complicated, heart-wrenching, disaster type of diffuclt. Just thinking about how hard it would all be causes my heart to beat faster and my palms to sweat.

Sidenote:

I just realized that I’ve been relating my kink desires with my sexual desires a lot, and I don’t mean to do that in that way. I don’t think that you can only have kink if it’s somehow followed up by sex. I don’t think that all kinky acts lead to sexual acts or sexual arousal. I think it is absolutely possible to have a kinky relationship with someone without ever participating in any sexual activity – especially when your interests are the same as mine in this respect. 

This is the problem. The Boyfriend is the first guy that has not only treated me really well, but he also treats himself really well. I don’t have to mother him, and I don’t have to force him to keep his job and he takes care of himself (to a degree… It’s not like he’s cleanly or does his own laundry or anything like that, but he’s the first guy that I don’t feel like I have to remind to do any of that stuff or that I feel mad when I have to do it instead). He’s also the first relationship that I’ve had that isn’t explosive and dramatic and a scary rollercoaster ride. So, he’s the first guy that I really trust and that I feel absolutely safe with. He has brought out a whole side of myself that I didn’t even know existed.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, before The Boyfriend, I never considered touching submission. I knew that I liked being in control and I despised feeling in anyway vulnerable. From both the sexual and non-sexual perspectives, I was in all ways determined to be the dominant force in any relationship I’ve ever had, even when it was just friends. I was the boss, period. Then The Boyfriend and I started dating and I naturally fell into longing for him to take control and craving vulnerability. Especially in the bedroom! And he is naturally very good at playing the leader, though I have no idea if he feels that way. I know the idea of submission for himself, repulses him.

And then I got it for a bit. He took me there. We learnt together and we played together. Even if at the time, I didn’t look at it that way and even if at that time, I still complained that it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, we did have kink together. He made me feel vulnerable and I gave him the freedom to strip away my control – though I make it sound like it was some deep subspace-y experience, when really it only is in hindsight. But we had it. I had it. And now, that’s all that I have… A distant memory of what we once had.

And I am so scared that that is all I will ever have…

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Reviewing Some Things…


 

Why is it that I suck so hard at completing the simplest of goals? You’d think I’d be talking about cleaning my house (which I’m sucking at as well, but isn’t the point of today’s post) or going to work every single day… But no! This is totally Sex Bucket List-related. How can I take these ideas that are in my head and make them work for my life?

Blogging about every sex session… I have wanted to do this for so long. So I put it on my 2012 Sex Bucket List and guess what…? I haven’t blogged about a sex session since before the new year. Which would make sense if my sex life was still sucking as much as it was a few months back, but it doesn’t. I can only remember one time in the last long while where I got to the point of not being able to stand the length anymore, and that was both of our faults, not just his. Darn us and our ability to stay up WAY too late!

But there have been some amazing times. Like my 3rd successful go at anal, which turned out really great. We both came, he was tender like he was the first time and it was honestly really nice. There’s also been nights when I’ve insisted on giving him head without getting anything in return and we haven’t had nights like that in forever. There have been a lot of really great experiences. So, why am I not writing about them?

Part of the problem is that we have sex right before bed. Literally, sex is over, smoke is had and now it’s time for sleep. So I don’t write about it when it’s all still fresh in my mind. Then normally, I work the next day and when you spend the next six hours focusing on mostly your work, it is incredibly difficult to remember much about the sex you had the night before, no matter how spectacular it was. You can never remember how it was exactly that you ended up getting into that awkward position and you can’t recall who came first or if you came at exactly the same moment. You can’t remember many other details about it that make writing about sexual experiences so fun, like what he smelt like or how the sweat latched onto his curly hair.

And then from both my sex bucket lists (1 & 2), I’ve got “Wear my Ben-Wa Balls”. I got two different sets of Ben-Wa Balls a few years back. When I opened them up, they were much smaller than I had imagined they would be and I’ve had 4 kids! I expect things to not be able to grip very easily (though I have no actual proof of this and I’ve never had anyone say anything to the effect – on the contrary), so I just assume that those balls have got to be too tiny for my pussy to hold onto. Then again, isn’t that the point.

So anyways, I want to learn more about if these things are too small and if I should get rid of them and find bigger ones. And I keep meaning to, but then I see all these numbers with these ones weighing this much and being of this diameter – and people, if I haven’t said it enough, I really SUCK at math. Do you know much about Ben-Wa Balls and how to use them? Leave me a comment!

All of my BDSM/Fetish stuff has completely escaped my mind and I’ve barely thought about it, in the sense of actually doing any of it. Sure, I still fantasize, but now it seriously and truly is just a fantasy. It’s no longer The Boyfriend I see holding or receiving the torture device, it is now a blurry image of what used to be a man. It’s no longer him watching on as I caress a blurry woman’s body, it is now just a blurry figure in a chair. When I fantasize, these things aren’t happening to me – they are now happening to the Russian woman who has long been a character in my dreams.

Ever since I was young, I remember having these dreams of a woman with very long black hair, dressed from head to toe in white fur – sometimes a black body stocking (though this is because, as I later discover, that she is an international spy) – and she’s always got this intense look on her face as she takes me on these wild adventures in my sleep, that often leave me waking with a case of the sweats. As I got older and older, this woman also became the woman of my fantasies – the character that played me, as it were, in the scenario. She is the ultimate of how I’d love to look, if I could choose those things at will.

She embodies the characteristics I believe every woman should have: strength, courage, confidence, sex appeal, dignity and all those other positive strong attributes, that I’m hoping you can imagine. She is also incredibly sexy in my perception of her and the second I see her defined cheekbones and those incredible eyes, I immediately feel overwhelmingly intrigued. I’ve only ever seen one woman in real life that came as close to amazing looking as the woman in my dreams/fantasies, but that could’ve been the lighting and the alcohol… Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see…

Anyways, the point is that my desire towards BDSM has somewhat diminished as I see it becoming less and less attainable for me. The Boyfriend has made it very loudly clear that he is not going to share, period. Doesn’t matter what the gender or sexual fetish is, doesn’t matter if there’s sex or no sex, he won’t even hear anything of ideas or concepts on how to make it work, before completely shutting me down. And I understand it, I’d probably be the exact same way. And honestly, the sharing thing has always been another thing that I never thought would truly come to fruition.

He’s also made it pretty clear that he has no interest in participating. Spanking is completely out of the question and he absolutely refuses to indulge me. It’s very rare that a sex toy even gets brought out anymore as I think he’d rather be the one giving the pleasure. I wonder if I’ve ever made him feel inferior or lacking in ability to pleasure me? I hope not, because he gives me a great amount of pleasure. Regardless of the lack of kink.

I’m not saying that I’m ready to give up, but I’m definitely not striving for it as hard as I have in my past. Maybe one day, the drive will come back to me, but right now it’s sadly on the back burner. Luckily, that’s not saying for sex altogether, just the kinky stuff. Vanilla sex, well I’ll be gunning for that 24/7 and I’m hoping, now that I’ve released this pent up piece of shit, that writing about vanilla sex will become a more frequent thing. So cross your fingers for me 😉


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My Day Zero Project – To Do: Clean the Kitchen


Another one of those things that has been on my to do list for WAY too long. While I make small strides towards this goal every week, it never gets anywhere closer to getting done. I’d like to change that.

I would really love to pull all the appliances out and clean behind them. I want to scrub the walls behind the stove and scour the floor beneath the fridge. Then I want to clean inside the appliances. I see this being a total gong show!

My oven is going to be the worst. That thing is so disgusting, and I’ve never had the opportunity to clean it out in my 3+ years of living here. It desperately longs to have a good clean. I want that oven to shine as if my old oven were new.

I want to pull all of the dishes and crap out of all the drawers and cupboards and completely clean those up and out. All the junk and stuff we don’t use at all (like martini ice strainers?!?) can be given away or thrown out. I’d like to pare down to what we actually use and then start saving up to buy myself things that I really really want, like a stand up mixer or a waffle iron.

I’d like to get all of the dishes completely cleaned and done. While I do dishes almost every night, there are always some left over in the sink or one that we didn’t know about out in the living room or some other thing like that. I’d like to have every single dish in my house completely cleaned and preferably put away.

I’d love to scrub all the walls down and get the table and chairs so clean that they shine. I’d like to get all the worst stains off the kitchen floor and I’d love to get this black shelf thing that we have out there, either thrown out or cleaned up so that we can use it for something.

Then, I’d like to keep the kitchen cleaned and organized. Make it a welcoming place for me to cook our family meals in, instead of a hostile environment that I tend to avoid like the plague. I’d like to get it set up enough that if one day I felt like baking with the kids, we could without having to dedicate 2 or 3 hours to cleaning up beforehand…

Ah, to have a clean kitchen. That’ll be the day! You can check out my clean and organize the kitchen task here and see the rest of my Day Zero Project tasks here.


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My Day Zero Project – To Do: Eyebrow Shaping


So today, I was reintroduced to the Day Zero Project. If you’ve ever wanted to make a bucket list or just a things-I-want-to-do list, the Day Zero Project will let you define 101 tasks to complete in 1001 days. You can even make a list for someday tasks, things you’d like to do some day, just not right now. I thought it would be fun to share some of the things on my list and how I plan to achieve them and I’ll update you when I do. (We’ll try to do one of these posts a day… *cross your fingers*)

Get my Eyebrows Shaped

I haven’t yet decided how I want to go about doing this, but it’s been on my list of things to do for as long as I’ve known that women can shape their eyebrows.

When I was about 14 and was taking modeling classes, we had an entire class on how to pluck your eyebrows in a way that was flattering to your face shape. They gave us each our own little orange sticks and we all got tweezers. I, however, had absolutely no interest in doing anything to my eyebrows at the time, especially if it was going to hurt, so instead sat there pretending to be reading the papers they gave us and got out of having to do anything mean to my eyebrows.

I’ve also seen some pretty wicked eyebrow shaping disasters in my time. From the over-plucked and uneven eyebrows to the “Oops, I waxed a bigger chunk off than I intended” eyebrows to the eyebrow shaping’s where the person looks like they’re constantly questioning everything you say!

I also don’t generally tend to think too much about my eyebrows unless I’m wearing makeup or have somebody take a picture of me where my eyebrows are almost completely invisible. Both things that don’t happen all too often. But when they do….

Barely There...

Now it’s just a matter of deciding how I want to have these babies shaped and where I want to go to have it done. Also have to take into account how much I want to pay for it. For a long time I had only considered plucking and waxing as options, though have recently begun to entertain the idea of threading.

I would really like to maintain whatever shape I end up getting with my eyebrows, assuming I like it and I would like to learn how to more accurately use an eyebrow pencil, because I think my eyebrows would look awesome. Maybe maintained eyebrows is exactly what I need to start looking like the woman I want to look like.

And don’t ask me what the woman I want to look like, looks like. Because I’m not 100% sure, it seems to always be evolving. The biggest thing is that she looks well put together, which I certainly do not on most days.

So ladies, have you ever got your eyebrows shaped? What was it like and how did you do it? Have you ever tried multiple methods? If yes, which one was most preferable? Any advice you’d give to someone considering shaping their eyebrows would be amazing!

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The 5 Most Popular Posts on The Rantings


I just surpassed my 100th post, so I thought it would be fun to share with you the 5 most viewed posts over the last *almost* year… It feels longer than that! So here’s to my wonderful readers and viewers, thanks for making these posts the most popular posts!

  1. 100+ Sexual Bucket List Ideas

    Seriously, the best post I ever could have written. This post has earned me so much traffic and almost every single day it gets views. So far, it has been viewed 1, 104 times!!

  2. Sexual To-Do List

    It’s an oldie, but apparently a goodie. It’s been viewed 118 times. It’s my own to do list that I created almost a year ago, so it’s changed and transformed over time.

  3. An Intro to Sexual Bucket Lists

    Of course, if 100+ Sexual Bucket List Ideas is on this list, then the intro to that post would be on this list too. 78 views on this one!

  4. My Sexual Pity Party

    Apparently 40 people like listening to me whine about all my sexual regrets.

  5. The Test Boy and Me

    So, I’m noticing a definite pattern here. My entire Top 5 is all sex-related… My first, technically, play party. The Test Boy lets me practice on him and I recount my excitement.

So which one of these posts is your favorite? Had you read any of them before? What posts weren’t on the list that you thought should have been?
This post is intended for adults 18+


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100+ Sexual Bucket List Ideas


A couple posts ago, we went over an Introduction to Sexual Bucket Lists. How to make one, what to include and what it should look like. Today, I’d like to give you over 100 ideas of things to add to your own bucket list. If you have more ideas you think should be added to this list, please leave your comments below.

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This post is intended for adults 18+


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An Intro to Sexual Bucket Lists


Sexual Bucket List searches seem to bring some of the greatest traffic to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind. Some of the most popular search terms include “sexual to do list”, “sexual bucket list”, “sexual bucket list ideas” and “bdsm to do list”.

Today, I not only present you with a great strategy to create your own sexual bucket list, I’m also inviting you to check out my own new and improved sexual bucket list to help you generate ideas. Read on to learn more about sexual bucket lists.

What is a Sexual Bucket List?

The idea of creating a Bucket List, a list of things to do before you die or kick the bucket (hence, Bucket List), became increasingly popular after the release of Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson’s movie “The Bucket List”. The two men, both terminally ill, escape from a cancer ward to spend their final days on a mission to complete a wishlist of to do’s before they die.

Shortly after the release of the movie, the blogosphere became filled with bucket lists. You could read about people’s greatest wants and there are even a few blogs about bloggers who are working to complete their bucket list. Soon after, adult bloggers jumped on the bucket list bandwagon with their very own style of bucket list, the sexual bucket list.

Essentially, your sexual bucket list is a way for you to gather all your sexual desires into one spot. Everything you’ve ever wanted to do, secretly thought about, or want to experience more of, can be added to your sexual bucket list.

The sexual bucket list offers you the ability to evaluate, define, discover and process your sexual urges, desires and fantasies. One of my favorite things about a sexual bucket list is its ability to open the lines of communications between partners where fantasies and desires are concerned. Exchanging sexual bucket lists can result in interesting fun.

What does a Sexual Bucket List look like?

That’s really up to you! I personally, being an organization freak, enjoy making up headings for different categories, and using cute fonts and bullet lists. You can see my bucket list here. But that’s not the only way to make your sexual bucket list.

You could write out detailed descriptions of the sexual activities you’d like to have before you kick the bucket. You could just do a long list of the things you’d like to achieve. If you’re blogging and really want to have some impact, you could just do pictures of others doing things you want to do (of course, being careful not to infringe on any copyright laws) or you could dedicate an entire blog to writing up fantasies of the things that you’d like to do sexually.

What your sexual bucket list looks like, is completely up to you. You can write it on your blog, in a word processing program or Notepad, write it in a journal, or write it on a scrap of paper that you keep tucked in your nightstand drawer, or pants pocket (great if you’re known for checking things off your sexual bucket list).

What to include in your Sexual Bucket List?

Again, this is really up to you. What do you want to experience sexually that you haven’t already? Your sexual bucket list also doesn’t have to just include sex acts, but can also include erotic acts or even sexual enhancement acts. For instance, if you wanted to experience Tantric Sex, you could have as a sexual bucket list item, “Attend a Tantric Sex Class”. Or let’s say you wanted to experience what it was like to take an erotic photograph, you could have a sexual bucket list item, “Learn how to use camera lighting to soften nude photographs”. Hopefully, you see where I’m going with this. The list item doesn’t have to be directly sex, but can be an item that will enhance and assist you in defining and experiencing your sexuality.

There are literally thousands, if not millions, of different sex acts, fetishes and kinks in the world. We’ve listed just over 100 ideas alone. Which ones interest you? Which ones could you see yourself doing? Which ones are your fantasies? Which ones would you like to experience before you kick the bucket?

Why make a Sexual Bucket List?

Why not? There are a bunch of reasons why you should make a sexual bucket list and virtually no reasons why you shouldn’t. First off, it’s a great reference point for you to always have clearly defined limits and boundaries. It’s also wonderful for deciding what it is you really want for yourself sexually. We are all sexual beings, and we should embrace that.

A sexual bucket list can also be a tool for communication about your sexual wants and needs. Whether you’re sharing the actual list with your sex partner or using it as starting point for a verbal conversation, it takes the awkwardness out of talking about sex and fantasies.

In my opinion, defining your sexuality is key to comfort-ability in your sexuality. The more you know about who you are as a sexual being, the more you can enjoy having sex. The only way sex is going to be amazing for you, is if you clearly know what you like and what you don’t like. Once you’ve got that figured out, you’ll know where you want to go, sexually speaking. The sexual bucket list is your opportunity to explore and discover your deepest desires and darkest fantasies.

Why so morbid, Sexual Bucket List?

When I’m creating my own sexual bucket list, the thought of death never enters my brain. We all die, and I’m over it. Yes, the concept of a sexual bucket list is quite morbid, but the idea of it is quite exhilarating. And don’t worry, no one expects you to die if you complete all the items on your sexual bucket list!

I generally tend not to use the terms Sexual Bucket List, mostly because I don’t like the idea of putting sex and death together. I call my bucket list, my Sexual To Do List. You can call your sexual bucket list whatever you’d like to call it, you can even call it nothing at all.

Your sexual bucket list also doesn’t have to be a list about things you’re going to do before you can die. It can just be a list of things to do, period. And your sexual bucket list can change and evolve, just as your sexuality can. So don’t be afraid to go back and modify your list whenever it feels like you need to.

Conversation Starters

  • Have you created a sexual bucket list? What was the experience like for you? If you have a link to your sexual bucket list, please feel free to leave it in the comments.
  • What are your thoughts on sexual bucket lists? Do you think they are beneficial, or do you think they are a waste of time?
  • Who would you share your bucket list with? Friends, families, partners, anyone willing to read?
  • Have you checked anything off your own sexual bucket list? Share that with us in the comments.
  • What are some ideas for things to include in a sexual bucket list? Vanilla or kinky, I want your suggestions.
  • Is there anything about sexual bucket lists that you would like to learn more about?
  • Any other thoughts? Share them in the comments!