This is just a straight up sad post…
The other night, The Boyfriend and I were talking about various things. At one point, I said, “I really want to go dancing at a nightclub” and he said, “You’ve got a better chance of getting laid!”. So of course, I jump straight to, “What about a better chance of getting a spanking?” and his response:
“Don’t Push It!”
Seriously?!? Don’t push it!
Have I not been complaining on this blog that I have been holding back as it is, HARDCORE! I hardly ever mention it to him now and when I do it’s in a completely joking manner and I make that obvious. I know that I’m not going to get it, but seriously?!? Why should I not “push it”? It’s not like when I do “push it” that I get anything out of that. Exactly the opposite, the more I push for it, the less likely I am to get it.
I’m sad that I promised myself after Alfie that I was going to get into a kinky relationship and escape this vanilla-ism. Then, The Boyfriend allowed me glimpses of what I could have, now that I was no longer in a vanilla relationship. For an entire year, we were exploring, we were experimenting, we were both having lots of horny fun. Unless he was seriously faking that entire time. I’m sad that here I am, years later, still in a vanilla relationship.
And I wish there was a way that I could talk him into it. It would be different if you didn’t see spanking in the vanilla world. If spanking was truly just a kinky thing, it would make sense to me that he wouldn’t be interested. It would make sense if at one time, he didn’t enjoy spanking. But he did and spanking appears everywhere in the vanilla world. Especially vanilla porn, which we’ve been watching a heck of a lot of. No complaints there!
Then, Taboo’s coming to town and it’s been on my sexual bucket list. And another year is going to pass where I don’t get to go, because it’s out of The Boyfriend’s comfort level or whatever like that. It’s just so disappointing. I am such a sexual person and I feel like I’m being sexually stunted everywhere I turn. From The Boyfriend’s lack of interest in anything outside of regular normal sex (and the occasional attempt at anal sex) to even my Mom saying that she doesn’t believe that I actually like spankings but more that I like the idea of them.
I call bullshit…
If I didn’t actually like spankings, then I wouldn’t want them all the time! I wouldn’t be thinking about them, when I should be thinking about other things, like my work. I wouldn’t be dreaming of them and I wouldn’t be so upset that I wasn’t getting them. And it’s not just spanking, even though that’s the only word I really use. But it’s impact play in general. It’s spanking, it’s cropping, it’s flogging and it’s a fantasy to be caned (though I’ve never even been close to that experience).
When I think about all the kinky things that I want to experience that I haven’t yet and that I won’t get to, it is almost debilitating the disappointment I feel. So much of my life, so many years, has been made up of the desire to have these things. And so many years has been made of disappointment and let down. I keep thinking that one day I will get it, but then I wonder from who, because it certainly won’t be The Boyfriend.
And it won’t be anyone else. He won’t share me (though I don’t mind that aspect – especially being that I only want to be hit by him) and I won’t leave him over this. Like I’ve said so many times before, outside of this one thing, we have such a great relationship. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a man and everything I didn’t know that I needed. He makes my life better just by being a part of it. How could I possibly give that up just because I’m not getting my kink on?
I’m just at a complete loss of what to do. I hate when the lack of kink starts making me depressed, because it doesn’t make any sense. I hate when I feel like I can’t function because I haven’t gotten the spanking or the flogging or the hair-pulling that I so badly desire. I hate when my day is filled with fantasizing about things that realistically speaking, might never be. I hate when that makes me so sad and I feel helpless to it. I hate when I feel like I have no control over my own sexuality.
Even though, I know full well that I do. I hold the power. But at what cost?
To get what I want kink-wise, would mean that I would have to leave The Boyfriend and find a kinky person to play with on a semi-regular basis. Sounds like a simple thing, doesn’t it? It’s not! It’s not, especially when you love The Boyfriend and especially when you have 4 kids. I can’t even describe to you the amount of difficulty that that presents. And not a simple, “I can fix this” type of difficult, it’s such a complex, complicated, heart-wrenching, disaster type of diffuclt. Just thinking about how hard it would all be causes my heart to beat faster and my palms to sweat.
I just realized that I’ve been relating my kink desires with my sexual desires a lot, and I don’t mean to do that in that way. I don’t think that you can only have kink if it’s somehow followed up by sex. I don’t think that all kinky acts lead to sexual acts or sexual arousal. I think it is absolutely possible to have a kinky relationship with someone without ever participating in any sexual activity – especially when your interests are the same as mine in this respect.
This is the problem. The Boyfriend is the first guy that has not only treated me really well, but he also treats himself really well. I don’t have to mother him, and I don’t have to force him to keep his job and he takes care of himself (to a degree… It’s not like he’s cleanly or does his own laundry or anything like that, but he’s the first guy that I don’t feel like I have to remind to do any of that stuff or that I feel mad when I have to do it instead). He’s also the first relationship that I’ve had that isn’t explosive and dramatic and a scary rollercoaster ride. So, he’s the first guy that I really trust and that I feel absolutely safe with. He has brought out a whole side of myself that I didn’t even know existed.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, before The Boyfriend, I never considered touching submission. I knew that I liked being in control and I despised feeling in anyway vulnerable. From both the sexual and non-sexual perspectives, I was in all ways determined to be the dominant force in any relationship I’ve ever had, even when it was just friends. I was the boss, period. Then The Boyfriend and I started dating and I naturally fell into longing for him to take control and craving vulnerability. Especially in the bedroom! And he is naturally very good at playing the leader, though I have no idea if he feels that way. I know the idea of submission for himself, repulses him.
And then I got it for a bit. He took me there. We learnt together and we played together. Even if at the time, I didn’t look at it that way and even if at that time, I still complained that it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, we did have kink together. He made me feel vulnerable and I gave him the freedom to strip away my control – though I make it sound like it was some deep subspace-y experience, when really it only is in hindsight. But we had it. I had it. And now, that’s all that I have… A distant memory of what we once had.
And I am so scared that that is all I will ever have…