The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

This post is intended for adults 18+


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What do you do?


 

What do you do when you can’t get what you want sexually, because your partner is not interested?

This whole lack of kinkiness thing is starting to drive me absolutely nuts. I do fine for so long and then wham! It really starts to bring me down, because I was so darn close and now it seems like it’s never ever going to happen and I didn’t exactly sign on to that. He used to show some sort of interest, somewhere a long the line, and now there is absolutely no interest.

I used to push for the interest and I’d constantly bug him to show some interest and when that didn’t work, I stopped pushing. Then I got pregnant, and it seemed like the interest came on very naturally for him. I was getting spankings at least once a week, we were going to munches, he would actually watch YouTube videos with me about rope tying and things like that and though it still wasn’t exactly what I want, it was a hell of a lot closer. Then baby was born and the interest went completely out the window.

The last time I had any sort of spanking was a few weeks back and that was one playful and hard smack on the ass. That was it. I’m not complaining about the sex itself, because the sex lately has been out of this world good. But I’ve gotten no kink whatsoever and it’s just kind of driving me insane. It would all be so different if things weren’t the way that they were…

He’s begun reading Sadopaeidia, one of my erotic novels, on a regular basis. Lots of spanking and whipping in that book. Then we’ve been watching porn a lot lately and even though it’s more vanilla Hustler porn, it’s got tons of spanking in it. I wouldn’t say anything if he were turned off by that stuff while he was reading and watching, then I would totally believe that he has no interest whatsoever. But it’s not like he’s turned off by it, instead it seems to keep him going.

I just don’t understand why he can fantasize about kink, but when there is a willing subject begging right in front of him, he can’t act on it. I miss the days when I would say I want a flogging or a cropping, and then I would get it. I miss the days of seriously talking about things like domestic discipline and possible punishments and rewards. I miss the days of feeling like anything kinky was even slightly a possibility.

And I understand completely that to him, there are things that stand in the way. Mostly kid-related stuff. By the time all of them are asleep, one of the last thing on our minds is sex of any kind. Most of the time, we both just want to veg and get ready for bed. Another hinderance is the volume of things. While I am much quieter during a spanking than I am sex, the slapping sound does tend to wake sleeping ones. Not only does a 4-year-old walking in on a spanking session totally ruin the moment, but it’s a pain in the ass to explain why Daddy is hurting Mommy…

We’re also both so exhausted and overwhelmed all the time that it’s a wonder I get laid at all… I just wish there could be some sort of interest. A few weeks back, I stayed on FetLife for over two hours because they were streaming the MorpheusBondageExtravaganza Live. Tons of rigging and rope work were involved and The Boyfriend knows that it really interests me. Not once did he willingly look over to my computer screen to see what I was watching and it took multiple times of trying to get his attention to make him watch at all. His interest in the whole thing is just not there, the way it used to be.

And if I weren’t so uncomfortable with the idea of cheating on him, I’d be totally down to do it, just to be able to get at least a little kinky release. It’s not even a sex thing for me (although, I like it more when that follows a session…), it’s a total mental thing for me, a physical thing sure, but sexual – only with him… I’ve even tried asking about the possibility of me seeking out a female to play with, that way there’s no jealousy about another guy. I’ve even said that it could be completely non-sexual, though getting him to believe that is next to impossible. His answer is always that he doesn’t want to share. Which I’d be completely fine with if I was getting something at home…

It just sucks that 2 years ago, I had weekly spankings and he encouraged me to buy a flogger and we were going to munches and now, I haven’t gotten a real spanking in… I don’t even want to try to figure out how long it has been… My flogger sits unused, and for the longest time it was completely lost (which I still think he did intentionally…) and we haven’t been to any kink-related events in almost a year, even though I keep planning to go to one every month…

It’s just a little bit disheartening and it makes me sad when I think about it too much. I have been interested in the “lifestyle” for too long now without getting any real experience. 11 years ago, when I first started getting interested in BDSM, I didn’t expect that this long later, I would still be able to say that I’ve never had my pain threshold crossed, or that I’ve never had an over-the-knee spanking, or that none of my kinks are getting acted out. Sometimes it just sucks and I have no idea what to do about it.

It’s all so complicated and I hate it!

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This post is intended for adults 18+


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Things I’ve Learnt About My Sexual Self


  • I get really moody after a few days of not having sex
  • I get a little paranoid the longer it is between sex sessions
    Example: I start believing The Boyfriend is cheating on me…
  • My emotional state prior to a sex session largely determines my emotional state immediately following the sex session
  • I really suck at staying mad at someone when they make sexual advances…
  • I am much more aware of my physical flaws during sex (and not just because they’re out in the open more, because I tend to keep a lot of my clothes on…)
  • I feel much younger the day after sex, even though my body aches more
  • The more I think I’m going to orgasm sooner, the longer it takes to actually reach orgasm. Whereas if I think that it’s going to take forever, it’s normally so fast that I almost regret it, because then sex is like a five minute deal…
  • And while five minutes totally rocks sometimes, it gives me no chance to loosen up to have a really great orgasm
  • I have a very hard time staying reasonably quiet during sex, and I have no idea if it’s affecting how good the sex is…
  • On average, I can last a whole two days before I start feeling like it’s been too long since I last had sex…
  • Porn and I have a very odd and complicated relationship…
There’s more, I just can’t think of any right now. Look forward to updates!!!


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Clean Living!


No one can guilt me into something as much as myself. It took a full day of laziness mixed with minor self-pity, but I finally got some cleaning done. I have been beating myself up over it for a couple days now. Last week sometime, we started cleaning and ended up getting nothing that we had originally set out to do done…

Sure, walls were washed, windows were cleaned, movies were cleaned up and the bookshelf was organized. But the couch wasn’t tidied, the floor was only briefly vacuumed and the TV and stand hadn’t seen a clean cloth. Clothes were still everywhere. Things had been done, but not done in a way that was even slightly satisfactory.

So today, after spending two hours procrastinating waking up, I got up off my butt and the kids and I started to clean. It was very slow going at first and almost nothing was getting done. I felt like I was working really hard and making no progress. I decided it was time to go to the store and get treats for any kids who helped me finish cleaning. It was good to take that mid-way walk and get some fresh air. Gave me a jolt of energy that was a little unexpected.

The walk to the store was the best! Normally when I take all four of the kids to the store, it’s hard to kind of tame them. They get away from me easily because I’m distracted by what I’m there to get. But I guess they really wanted their treats, so Keirnan and Carter went int the tandem stroller and Kaeidyn and Kenzie walked. They walked beside the stroller the entire time, and the only point which they even got talked to in a disciplinary manner is when they asked if they’re treat could be ice cream and I asked if they wanted the sundaes that we like so much, and they all ran over to the freezer and opened it up while I was at the other end of the store getting my pop. Luckily, I was in a good mood, so it hardly phased me.

I came back home and a crazy amount of cleaning got done. I’m only now, now that I’m in pain, noticing how much got done. It’s so clean that I have 9 candles lit right now and none of them are causing a potential fire hazard. It’s beautiful! Every time I get this house clean like this, it reminds me so much of when I very first moved into this house.

I didn’t have very much when we moved in here. We had been living in a hotel for a month and a little bit, so all we really had was clothes and some food. Then I eventually got a couch and my hope chest and a boombox. Then we added a TV and bookshelf and then… you get it. Eventually so much stuff got added. So much so that it’s impossible to keep the house clean. I realize that and it makes me think back to those simpler times, when my daily cleaning took five seconds because there wasn’t much to organize, and now I spend six and a half hours doing nothing but organizing before any actual cleaning can commence.

My mom says that she fears I’m going to turn into a hoarder. My problem isn’t that I have problems getting rid of things. My problem is that I’m too lazy to. Something I seriously gotta figure out a way to overcome. Because this is just getting ridiculous now, and I’m sure that my laziness is contributing a lot to my body pains. But this is not the point…

The point is that my living room is clean, my dishes are almost completely done and I had a good day! Now I plan to enjoy my delicious perogie and stewing meat dinner!


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5 Hours Down…


Almost five hours later, and my living room looks no cleaner, although it is! We have cleaned the bookshelf, the movie shelf and almost all of the walls, from the smoky beige back to something resembling white. We have gotten rid of all the empty movie cases, put all the random change into a container, re-organized The Boyfriend’s Nascar cars and video game consoles again and completely cleared off the bookshelf and reconfigured the whole thing. It’s getting there, very slowly, but at least it’s getting there!

We still have to clean underneath the chair and in behind the computer desk and I’ve still got to vacuum the floor and unfortunately we didn’t get any laundry done – washed, folded or put away – but there’s still a few hours to go, so maybe we’ll get something done. Plus, I don’t work tomorrow, so if I get any energy at all tomorrow, I’ll have tons to do – and tons for the kids to do.

It was a really good weekend though. My Mom took all the older kids for a couple nights and that was seriously beautiful. I got to catch up on a lot of sleep, The Boyfriend and I got some cuddle time in and I got some stuff done. All in all, it was probably one of my favorite weekends yet. And the best part is, it’s not over yet!

Things have been really good for the most part for the last week or so. I got a bunch of money that I was expecting and it couldn’t have come at a better time. So now we have our phone and internet back, our hot water finally got turned back on (it’s been months without it!), and we were able to get new pots and pans (which I love!) and tomorrow I get to do a stress-free grocery shop, which I also love! Things are slowly coming together and it’s been such a big relief.

The kids are both doing awesome in school. Kaeidyn gets to go to letter grades this year, so I’m excited about that. Her teacher apparently used to partner teach with my old Grade 2 teacher from her school. It was kind of weird. But first parent-teacher conference with her was really great. Kenzie’s teacher is really impressed with him (she was also Kaeidyn’s kindergarten teacher – I like her better now that she’s Kenzie teacher) and thinks that he’s going to accomplish great things in kindergarten and I couldn’t be happier.

At the end of the parent-teacher conference, Kenzie’s teacher asked about the boys and I mentioned Keirnan’s speech issues and she thought it was the perfect time to tell me about their pre-k class at the school. I’ve known about this program for some time and just didn’t think I had time to get Keirnan into it. But then she said that they were still taking students. So now, I’ve gotta take Keirnan down to get a speech assessment. No idea how long that’s going to take or anything like that, but I figure while I’m doing that, I can get anyone who still needs their immunizations (Carter and maybe Keirnan… Not sure…) done.

Work is still the same. Some days it’s better than others, but I’ve definitely decided eventually I’ve gotta start looking for another job. At least I’m getting along really well with our new reception and that makes it easier to go to work every day. I’ve been leaving work early a lot, which isn’t great for pay checks, but I hate just sitting around wasting their money. It’s different when you’re working a slow day at McDonald’s and have nothing to do. At least there’s a chance you could get slammed. My job, not so much!

Well, time to go wrap up leftovers (I know, you’re totally shocked!). What’s been going on in your life these past few weeks?


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Spiritually Perplexed: A Hard Choice for a Non-Religious Parent…


I am incredibly perplexed.

Now, just a note. While I am open to your comments, I’d like for you to keep in mind that I am allowed my own opinions and I definitely don’t want to be preached to. I have a lady that comes to my door once a week to preach to me and I’m approached multiple times a month on the street by people wanting to preach to me. I’ve made up my religious mind for myself and no amount of preaching is going to make me any less skeptical.

Recently, a church has become coming around our street asking all the kids to join their Sunday school. A couple of my neighbors are sending their kids off every Sunday to this church and of course, it’s peaked my kids’ interest. Now normally, I don’t talk much about my religion, mostly because I know that it’s a really sensitive situation in a public forum, but I seriously cannot figure out what the heck I think or feel about the situation. I am… Perplexed!

I am not religious. When I was younger, I was very interested in anything spiritual. I began going to Sunday school when I was very young (albeit my mom was raised by christian people, so it was just the natural progression of things), and I continued going to Sunday school on and off until I was 14.

Somewhere around the time that I was about 11, I was madly dedicated to my church. A very nice methodist church, where one of the things that I loved most is that my preacher wasn’t preachy. I would show up at 7:30 AM (over an hour before the first service), so that I could help set up the church and all the sound equipment. The early morning service was always my favorite, because it’s when all the younger people would show up. I’d stay all through that and all through the snack afterwards and then stay for the second service, which was mostly for the older folks.

I started off going to Kids’ Club on Fridays after school, where I worked on becoming a Leader-In-Training. Then, when I was old enough, I started going to teen nights on Friday nights, and began leading what we called the Kindergarten class in Kids’ Club. I would spend days out with all my religious friends, most of whom seemed more like hippies than religious nuts. Every special event the Church held, I was a part of. My first experience with journal writing was a journal one of the preachers gave me to write to God and, I did so daily!

At the same time that I was this total Jesus freak, I became interested in Wiccanism and Paganism. The occult in general. I’d read like there was no tomorrow about deities and the devil. I was highly interested in crystals, tarot cards and rune cards. My Dad bought me my first pack of rune cards and I later, and finally, bought myself some tarot cards. I still have most of my tarot card-related books and my first book of shadows with The Wiccan Rede (the only poem I’ve ever been able to remember by heart) and some of my favorite spells, especially binding spells.

One by one, things started to occur that made my faith in God and my curiosity in other spiritual paths disappear. I can tell you the day that I lost all hope that there was a God. I believed in the love of God, in his awesome power, and one tiny thing made those beliefs walk away from me. When I think back to it now, I think that it seems so small, it seems like such a tiny reason to stop believing. But as I grew up and now live in the world that I live in, I have no doubt in my mind that there is no God.

The great thing about my spiritual life is that I was always allowed to make up my own mind. My mom never went to church when we were growing up, and we’d practically have to drag her along to Christmas concerts. But she let us go to church as kids, and she’d read our bible-related books to us and we’d sing religious songs together. But she was always supportive in my lack of faith and never condemned me for it.

I am a parent that strongly believes that I need to let my kids make a lot of their own decisions. I mean, obviously with input from their Mom, but I want them to be allowed to have their own thoughts, feelings and opinions apart from mine. That’s even, for the most part, how I raised them as babies. I didn’t potty-train a single one of them. I simply let them decide when they were ready (of course, I make this sound simple, but really, it was probably as much in the pain in the ass as potty-training is… Just more stressing about cleaning up than stressing about whether your kid was meeting some sort of developmental deadline…).

But now I’ve got this decision to make. Do I let them go to this Sunday school even though I’m totally against it, because I want them to be able to make their own decisions about God, or do I keep them from Sunday school and just continue teaching them about God in the most unbiased way I know how (which is very unbiased, and I never say to them that I don’t believe in God – partially because I don’t want the question of “Why don’t you believe in God?” and also partially because like I said, I want them to make that decision independent of my thoughts.)?

One part of me is screaming not to do it. I don’t want some preacher telling them about God and then them eventually having their hearts broken (even if only for a short time) by the emotional struggle that goes on when you choose not to believe in the God you had dedicated so much time building faith in. The other part of me is saying that I should let them go and at least have that experience. I went to Sunday school, why shouldn’t they? Then again, that doesn’t seem very logical. You would probably scoff if that sentence was, “I got spanked, why shouldn’t they?” instead…

It’s just one of those things that I am so confused about. I honestly do not know what I want to do. Right now, I’ve told everyone including the kids that my answer is no, they aren’t going to church. But as the weeks pass by, I am noticing I’m often thinking about it and questioning my thoughts on it. Send them to Sunday school or don’t? Let others preach to them about something I don’t believe in, or don’t? It’s these types of decisions that are the hardest part of parenting for me. Not what type of food I’m going to feed them or what type of diapers I’m going to buy or what doctor their going to see. It’s the decisions that are going to shape the type of people they’re going to be that are the hardest for me….

For now, I’ll just stay perplexed… (Sorry if this post was a little rambly, my brain was all over the place!)

This post is intended for adults 18+


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There’s Nothing That Turns Me On More… Than a Man Messaging His Guild!


 

I don’t know what it is lately, but I have been getting laid a heck of a lot more recently. It seems like we’re back up to our average of about 3 times a week. Needless to say, I’m quite a happy girl.

Often times, we’ll even have sex two nights in a row, which has been rare ever since we had Carter. I’m not sure what the change is or what happened that he’s turning into a little horn dog, and I’m trying my best not to think too hard about it, because then I’ll start hypothesizing and that just always turns out bad, because my mind goes to the worst. I’m just sitting back and enjoying the ride!

Last night was definitely one of my most favorite nights. We both went on our computers and I checked FetLife as part of my usual checking-stuff-on-the-internet-when-it-first-opens (Facebook, Twitter, FetLife, Email…). Well FetLife just happened to be running a live stream of the MorpheusBondageExtravaganza. So I hunkered down and decided to enjoy, and boy did I ever! Seriously, some of the hottest stuff I’ve ever seen on the internet!!

The 2 hours or so that I watched was all really intense rope bondage and rigging scenes. When we shut it off (which is a bit of shame, but totally worth it…), they were getting into some needle play stuff. My favorite part was the music a long with the scenes, because it blended really well and I heard some tunes that I definitely want to check out now. Next to that, it was watching the sensuality of the play and artistic-ness of it all. It just looked so beautiful.

So when The Boyfriend got off his computer to give me a neck massage (which I was begging for after a few hours of cleaning last night), he asked if we could watch one of the porns that I’ve had for years, but have never really watched. I didn’t like it because there is a part where this girl asks this guy to oink for her, but it’s in such a badly done way that you just can’t find it very sexy. Last night, it hardly got watched at all.

We were both ready and raring to go by the time the movie started, add in the moaning of other people on top of my moaning, and it’s a surprise that the sex lasted almost 2 hours!! But that’s because my beautiful boyfriend has gotten into foreplay 😉

Again, I have no idea what has caused this at all, but it used to be where sex was 15 minutes to half an hour tops. It would be me spending a few minutes getting him nice and hard by caressing him and rubbing his cock and then it would be straight down to business, with the main mission being orgasm. Now, it’s a total 180. We spend the first half an hour on nothing but foreplay and I’m usually the one reaping the rewards there, and he barely gets touched. And then it’s very long, drawn out sex after that.

He’s really gotten into the idea of having smokes in compromising positions lately and we both have a lot of fun with the tease of it all. I don’t know how many times we’ll be in the full swing of sex and then he’ll pull back and say, “Smoke time” and will reach over while still inside of me to grab the smokes. Through the whole smoke we’ll gently and playfully rock against each other, most of the time, him gently caressing his favorite parts of my body, like my legs, boobs or neck.

The worship of my body in general lately has been beyond sublime. He kisses everywhere and grabs firmly at my breasts. He slides his hand up my chest and wraps his fingers around my neck. He grabs my hair and kisses my neck, my cheek, my lips as his other hand gently moves down my thigh.

The talking is the other thing that I’m loving! He talks so much now. Last night, he tells me before we even start, “I want you to cum multiple times tonight!”, and while that may not sound that hot when it’s written down, when you’re in the moment, the hottest thing ever. It didn’t take me long to cum the first time. But even during sex, it’s a constant stream of sexy talking. He seems to like to instruct me on how he would like me to talk to him, the things that he would like to hear. One of my favorites is when he tells me to beg for his cock and when I get to say to him that he can do anything he wants to me.

I’ve been getting quite a bit of oral sex lately and last night was no exception. The first time he went down there, it took almost no time at all for me to cum. And he lapped it all up and I was in total ecstacy. But it gets better when he fucks me right after I’ve cum. My entire body feels really intense and tingly all over. He sat back and while he pumped in and out of me, he played rather frantically with my clit. I was so sure I was going to cum, but I think it was all just a little too intense for me. Smoke break!

Then, he decided to help the second cumming along with more oral sex. I’ve never had oral sex after already cumming once. Super intense! He kept sucking on my clit and seriously something about that just feels really good, especially if little moans escape his lips. He jutted his chin out and let me grind his face, which was another incredible feeling. It took quite awhile, but I erupted into another extremely intense orgasm that seemed to last forever.

Again there was more fucking and then he asked if I would rather him cum all over my chest or in my mouth. I chose mouth. It wasn’t much longer until he was unloading in my mouth, so much that I couldn’t even conceive the idea of swallowing. For the first time ever, I let all his hot cum drip back out onto his cock and it was surprisingly hot, though I couldn’t help but feel like it was a waste…

Amazing sex with an amazing man! Now, if only I could get him to spank me!!