The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Not Well


I’ve discovered why I don’t listen to podcasts.. I simply cannot multitask. I can’t pay attention to what’s being said and also do other things. See tonight, The Boyfriend brought me home a gift that was supposed to be for my birthday but he couldn’t get it until now. I got a BlackBerry PlayBook!!!

So I’m sitting here listening to a podcast and trying to read a couple books that I downloaded, but I think it’s impossible. Especially being that I’m incredibly interested in this podcast.

I’ve only recently started listening to podcasts… Very recently! It started with The Gloria Brame Show, which I officially love. Dr. Brame is kinda my idol (one of many). But tonight, after years of having it on my to-listen-to list, I finally gave a dedicated listen to Savage Love and I think I’ve found another podcast I need to start listening to on a regular basis.

I was surprised at how into the podcast I was getting but even more than that, I was taken aback by how into The Boyfriend was getting. He doesn’t usually pay much attention to anything I do on any device so it was a nice little change. I spent most of the night subscribing to podcasts that I’ve heard about over the years and plan to spend most of today sifting through those.

In other news, I had gotten an infection in one of my teeth last week, which isn’t altogether uncommon for me. First,  I’m a smoker. My teeth are just bad because of it. Then, my back teeth (can’t remember what they’re called, either the molars or wisdom teeth) are trying to come in but there’s no room for them. So, I spent all last week with an incredibly sore mouth. Then The Boyfriend and I had sex and the pain went away. Imagine my total excitement.

But then, I woke up yesterday and instead of feeling no pain, the infection has just moved to the other side of my mouth. My face is all swollen and I’m sleeping horribly because of all this pain. I need to go see a dentist but right now we just can’t figure out how to make it work financially. Lately though, I’ve been wondering if that’s true, or if I’m just so scared that I’m making excuses.

I’ve always hated the dentist. Doctors, surgeons, never been scared of them, but dentists, deathly afraid. I start packing the second they take the x-rays. And while you can now do the whole sedation thing, I do worry a lot about the cost of all that. Just in general, I’m worried.

Something is also going on with my neck and I’ve had probably 3 days now of this intense and nagging pain. It’s making my head hurt constantly and no amount of tylenol seems to be helping. It’s making me more grumpy than I’ve been in a long time…

I’m just so sick and tired of feeling like I’m falling apart. Every time I start thinking that I’m feeling better or healthier, something turns around and bites me in the ass. I feel like it’s taking its toll on me entirely. I don’t even feel like myself anymore…

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Not Feeling Good…


Today is not being a good day. I do not feel well at all. I woke up this morning with a raging headache and a strong desire to not leave my bed. As the half hour passed, my stomach became increasingly upset until I was curled in a ball feeling all sorts of nausea. Another half hour passed and I was blissfully falling into a deep and very uncomfortable sleep. Don’t ask me how much time passed at this point, because I am entirely unaware, but at some point I woke up to Carter’s blood curdling screams.

I rolled around on the bed, trying to mask the noise and gently nudging The Boyfriend to go deal with it. Moments passed before I was getting up and dealing with Carter, not because The Boyfriend wouldn’t but because Carter wouldn’t listen to Daddy. Even though I still felt entirely like shit, I got up and cleaned the kitchen and Kaeidyn helped like she’s never helped before. Then we made a delicious mashed potato, bacon, sausage and corn dinner. Then, the boys decided to have a food fight…

After getting all upset about this and sending some boys to bed, I spent far too many hours plastered in front of the computer screen playing games. And now I feel like my body is decending into terrible pain. I have felt sore like this for days now. My back hurts which makes my neck and arms hurt and once my neck starts hurting, my head starts hurting. Then, my knees are bugging me which makes my ankles hurt really bad and nothing I do seems to help whatsoever.

I’m hoping that it’s just a mixture of PMS and the weather change that’s going on right now. We haven’t gotten snow yet, but the weather forecast has been calling for it on and off. Have I told you yet how much I’m not looking forward to that?!? It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to walk out in it. We’ve already decided that winter outerwear is on our next shopping list. And this year, I’m determined to buy myself a proper winter coat (as opposed to whatever leftover jacket or sweater whichever boyfriend I had at the time had) and proper winter boots (as opposed to whatever pair of runners I had from previous years)…

I need my mood and health to change in the next 24 hours… I have so much cleaning to do this weekend, I have to make sure Kaeidyn’s swimsuit is clean for this weeks swimming lesson and I want to make up lunches over the weekend for every day of school, because we had some complaints from the teacher again about Kaeidyn finishing her entire lunch at recess. Don’t ask me how she does it, because I sincerely don’t know, but she does… So come on Val, get healthy!


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Thoughts from the Last 72 Hours


Well, last night’s storm (the first real storm of the season) ended up being absolutely perfect for the first one of the year. It wasn’t so bad that I was freaking out all night about it (though I did stay up about 2 1/2 hours later than everyone else watching the storm) and I was able to keep myself and whichever kid happened to be woken up by the thunder, relatively calm. All in all, I was very impressed with myself.

The only urge that I had all night was to watch those clouds and make sure they didn’t turn into anything horrible. The Weather Network had been posting for a day or two that they were expecting this storm to come in and were getting everyone ready for tornado weather, so I had gone into this storm already paranoid. Luckily, after the first two really big cracks of thunder, the storm was relatively a small one. Lots of lightning, a couple of rumbles of thunder and tons of rain, but the wind wasn’t nearly as bad as they had called for.

Looking through the Weather Network today, it looks like a total of 4 tornadoes did touch down here in Alberta, but only in the south and no one was injured. Looking into the future around the site and their Summer Outlook, it looks like we’re not exactly in for the best season here. It sounds like it’s going to be a lot more of these storms and I can only hope that I deal with them as well as I did last night. We’re still under a severe thunderstorm watch, so we’ll see what happens!

It’s hard to believe that another school year is almost done. In September, we have another kid starting school, only one more to go after that. Kenzie goes to full days, which will be beautiful. Plus, he can walk with Kaeidyn, instead of having to walk with adults. Though, we’ll still be doing the half days with Keirnan…

I’ve been calling around for houses and landed myself a job interview for Monday. The houses part of that sentence is not going as well as one would hope at all. We went to apply for Community Housing, which I was stressing out about way more than was necessary, but because of the amount of kids we have and their guidelines regarding the number of bedrooms we need, they currently have nothing available. I have to call today to find out if their other assistance program will work for us. In the meantime, I’m just going to keep calling all these places that I know we won’t be able to get, for whatever reason. Today, a whole bunch of places a lot like the one I currently live in (but cheaper) came online, so I’ve already called about them.

I’m excited about my interview and cannot wait to go to it. It makes me nervous that it’s still 5 days away, but I figure it gives me more time to prepare. And if I go in there prepared, with the way my resume looks right now, I’m confident that I’ll walk out with something. If not a job, at least a sense of accomplishment (as opposed to failure). Until I get a job though, things are going to be so financially strapped it’s ridiculous. It’s hard to believe that it wasn’t that long ago that we had just gotten everything back on track and it seemed like it was all going to be great…

I need to go see a doctor eventually too. Especially if The Weather Network is right. First of all, I’ve been getting a lot of pain in my legs again. My knees seem to only really be bad at night, but my calves and ankles are always feeling like muscles are being stretched too hard or torn, when I’m not even doing anything. Then, I’ve been getting this horrible nagging pain right at the bottom of my rib cage, sort of where you would imagine the spleen, liver, pancreas, etc. I’ve had pain like this in the past, when I was pregnant with Kaeidyn, but instead of the nagging type of pain it was sudden and sharp. It landed me in the hospital for 4 days, plus every couple of months after that.

The doctor’s at the time had thought that it was a gallstone, but then when I was pregnant with Kenzie and was having the same problem, the doctor wanted to get an ultrasound of my liver, which I never went for. So now, I’m worried that it’s something I should be worried about. Especially being that it’s been happening for so long now. It’s been this dull and nagging constant pain in my upper stomach for over a month now. So it’s probably about time I get it checked.

I’m also seriously considering asking about getting some anti-anxiety meds for these storms. I was talking with The Boyfriend yesterday about my fears about it and the reasons why I am so hesitant to take them. It’s not that I haven’t taken anti-anxiety meds in the past, I have. I know what to expect going into it and that’s kind of the part that has me stressing the most. I just don’t want to be running into my bathroom at the first sight of every storm this summer. I want to be able to be calm in front of the kids, so that they stay calm, and I want to be able to keep myself calm so that if anything were to happen, I could be prepared for it, instead of frazzled and crying.

Well, that’s the things that have been on my mind over the past 48 – 72 hours. Have you been getting any storms where you live? What are your reactions to storms? Do you freak out or do you take them in stride? Are you able to sleep through them or are you like me, constantly checking on it? Leave your comments and let’s share our thoughts on storms!!


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Drunk for the First Time in Years


On the Saturday that just passed, my Mom took the kids for the majority of the day so that The Boyfriend and I could clean the house. It took us two days, but the living room has been rearranged and is, I’m very excited to say, clean! We’ve flipped it around, so everything that was once on the other side of the room is now on the opposite side, the floors have all been vacuumed like there’s no tomorrow, and absolutely everything has been wiped or washed. Now we just have a few rooms left to conquer but at least we’re making more serious progress than ever before!

Then Mom insisted that The Boyfriend and I take a night out and so, she lined up a babysitter, she took us to karaoke and she bought us our drinks. It was honestly one of the best nights we’ve had out in awhile and two days later, we’re still talking about how much fun we had with each other. I even wore my polka dot dress out in public and was showered with compliments, which was really fantastic and I almost forgot how much I like that 😉

I got to sing a total of four songs and I was more than excited when the karaoke hostess remembered me, even though I haven’t been to karaoke since before The Boyfriend and I got together almost 4 years ago (holy, we’ve only got like 2 months until we’re there…). I did my usual showtunes, All That Jazz and Cabaret. Only one tiny screw up on either of those, but I was having a great time and The Boyfriend and my Mom were the best cheerleaders in the world! Then, after I was right liquored, I did I’m Yours by Jason Mraz and Your Love in my Drug by Ke$ha. I even danced to another person singing Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot.

Somehow, The Boyfriend and I managed to get more drunk than we’ve been in the last 4 years as well. A jug and a half shared between us, plus 3 bottles of beer each, by the time we were heading home, we were both stumbling and complaining about how drunk we felt. Though we were both made undeniably happy when we were able to go to McDonald’s at 2:30 in the morning. Never once did we consider how we might feel the next morning and somewhere along the line, I think I lost my wallet…

We got home and fell asleep immediately, just barely able to give each other a kiss goodnight. We had walked home from the bar which is only a few blocks away, but with being drunk, the walk knocked us right out. Less than 5 hours later, The Boyfriend was waking up with his first signs of a hangover. I think we didn’t sleep past 9:30 the next morning, because his hangover got increasingly worse. I felt fine and I think that made him jealous.

Then, we finished cleaning the living room. Really, he did most of the work and I just wiped stuff down and put things where they belonged. We kept commenting on how good of a cleaning team we made, because he’d take care of all the big stuff and I was like our detailer. He almost got slapped during the cleaning when we were moving the furniture. We’re about to move the entertainment stand, which is quite a big piece of furniture and he starts giving me instructions on where to hold and how to lift it. I snapped, “Boyfriend, I’ve moved furniture before, I know what I’m doing!!”. When we moved the computer desk, he kept his mouth shut.

Somewhere along the line, since Saturday, I hurt my legs or something. Every time I step down, I’m getting a searing pain in my calf. I can’t flex my foot without hurting my ankle and I’ve been limping around like a little old lady ever since. No idea what I did, no idea how to make it stop hurting, but today, I am most unhappy about it.

So, that was my weekend in 700 words, give or take. How was your weekend? Do anything out of the ordinary? Get anything accomplished? Share your weekend stories in the comments!

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All I Can Think About…


 

All day today, whenever I’ve had just a spare moment to think, I completely blank out and all I can think about is:

That’s Right!
Spanking!

I want it for fun, I want it for pleasure, I want it for punishment, I want it for pain, I want it for foreplay and I want it all the time! All I seem to keep going back to is having a nice bare hand come down on my firm bare ass. I long to feel my skin flinch beneath the force and I crave my moans of ecstacy.

I want to be made to bend this way and that, in whatever angle my ass looks most pleasing, and I want a succession of blows rained upon it. I want my cheeks to swell and pulse with the hot redness only bare hands can provide and I want to feel on fire with the passion that is gravitating towards my dampening lips.

I desperately want to be flung over his knee and pinned down as I struggle against the burning contact. I want him to pull my head back and gently slip his finger into me, before continuing to spank me, telling me that I’ve been a very dirty and yet still a very good girl. I want to be made to suck his cock as he continues to slap my bare behind, the skin scorching and my pussy frantically desiring him in it.

Even after a build up that feels as if it lasts forever, the sex begins and he steadily and rhythmically slaps my flesh, causing me to screech and flinch with every thrust. He slows down and slaps my ass harder and then thrusts faster and harder as sharper slaps fall on my flesh. I push against it, sweat dripping from my hair and no matter how hard he slaps, I still crave it harder and faster and rougher.

And of course, every time I think it, I also think, “This will never be my reality…”


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Unhealthy Weekend


This weekend had been rough on The Boyfriend and I. About a week ago, I started having pains in my teeth. Friday was full of pain, the night before, I got less than 2 hours of sleep. Needless to say, I didn’t go to work.

A couple hours passed when I get a call from my Mom letting me know that The Boyfriend had called her from work to take him up to the hospital. Apparently he got a very sudden and incredibly intense migraine, and the people at his work were insistent that he go to the hospital.

For the most part, we had no idea what was going on out what the circumstances behind him landing in the hospital. Finally he calls to let me know that they are sending him down for a spinal tap…

So they were thinking he was having a brain aneurysm, sent him for a CT scan and a spinal tap, and now he keeps getting these headaches constantly. Albeit not nearly as bad as the first and they seem to be more triggered.

I went to the doctor about my teeth. Looks like I’ve got a wisdom tooth coming in and one of my other teeth is falling apart. It hurts really badly. So now I’m on these huge antibiotics, which make me feel nauseated and T3’s, and I’m convinced they are not helping with this pain!

Now I need to make a dentist appointment and just the thought of it makes me feel sick. I haven’t seen a dentist since my Mom used to make all my appointments… I’m so nervous about it. I’m not looking forward to hearing how much it’s going to cost to get this problem fixed either!

So that’s been my weekend in a nutshell. Sickness, pain and a lot of The Boyfriend and I taking turns taking care of each other. No fun at all…

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It’s Been a Long One…


Hey, look at that, I’m posting today like I said I would. What do you know!

Today has felt like an incredibly long day. Work was horrible, Carter’s been nothing but terrible and Kenzie had his first ever migraine… For some reason it was also a day filled with “I miss my Daddy”. I have a feeling that it has something to do with all the talk about breaking up and Dad’s that’s going on in Mad Men, which they’ve been watching on and off with us.

I seem to handle those moments with Kaeidyn and Keirnan okay. Keirnan is much easier than Kaeidyn, and Kaeidyn normally has a lot of questions that I don’t feel comfortable answering, but Kenzie has never said anything prior to today. Then he gets this vicious headache (I’ve never seen him in so much pain before, I felt completely helpless) and starts bawling that he wants his Daddy and I just felt horrible. Even though, I’m not the one that’s choosing whether or not their Dad is in their life, I’m just the one that’s setting out limitations and boundaries that can’t be respected.

I always wonder what it feels like for The Boyfriend when he hears the kids talk about their Dad. I wonder if he feels hurt at all that he puts so much time and effort into having some sort of relationship with them and all they want is their Dad and not him. Or I wonder if he feels bad that he stepped into these shoes. Or I wonder if he doesn’t feel anything, to him it’s not a “thing”. He doesn’t even think twice about it. Hmm, interesting conversation for us to one day have.

Work is being really rough lately. I’m having a hard time being the type of person I like being when I’m working and I hate that. But I’m angry about a lot of things. Today, it was mostly that everything that I’ve learnt in the last year of this job is now being completely changed or thrown out altogether to adjust to one person. There is an entire group of us that has a problem with one person and we’re being completely ignored and it seems like we’re the ones suffering the most because of the problems. I know it sounds very cryptic, but it’s hard to explain what exactly the problem is without going too much into detail.

Then I come home from work, to my messy house, and these darn kids lately. Carter can’t seem to sit still for one second and if he is sitting still, the entire time is made up of this overwhelmingly annoying cry. He’s constantly getting into stuff that he shouldn’t be able to, he spends most of the evening crying or screaming and it just really wears a person down. And quiet is a concept that he absolutely does not understand. I don’t remember the other kids being this terrible when they were two…

The older kids are still mostly doing their usual thing of talking back or not listening at all. Every time I think we’re making some headway, it all just blows up in my face. I’m trying really hard to limit the amount of times I raise my voice, because I think that’s just causing more problems than it’s solving. I yell a lot more than I would like to, and it’s not some outrageous yelling or anything, just a louder than needed No or Stop when necessary. I think what I’m going to try to start doing with all of them is more explaining about why they are in trouble and more sitting and thinking about it for them. We’ve tried the whole corner-time and timeout in your bedroom and getting toys taken away and none of that seems to really work. Or even worse, it will work for a couple days and then it will seem to explode!

It’s hard right now with them at the ages they are at. Kaeidyn thinks because she’s oldest, she can take care of everyone. Which results in a lot of comments from the peanut gallery when the others are being spoken to. Kenzie is totally the obvious middle child, always thinking that everyone else gets it better than him. I don’t know how many times I used that one of my Mom! And Keirnan, while honestly, I’m more than confused about Keirnan. I just can’t seem to figure this kid out. On one hand, he’s the quietest one of the bunch. He’s not very active, he likes to play by himself more often than not, and he doesn’t talk that much and when he does it’s normally just long enough to ask for something he wants. On the other hand, he’s bossy, he’s rough, he’s very stubborn, he’s particular.

I feel like I’ve been learning a lot about the kids the last few days, not that what I’m learning is helping me in anyway be a better parent, at this point anyways. I think I’ve been subconsciously noticing them more, little things about them. The way Kaeidyn brushes her hair or the way Kenzie is restless without even knowing he’s being it. The way Keirnan breathes so gently while he’s sleeping and the positions that Carter stops snoring in. Today was definitely a huge learning experience as I tried to make Kenzie’s headache go away and keep the other three kids quiet… Almost a complete impossibility!

My body has been in quite a bit of pain lately. I’ve been having this pain in my shin and my knees have been driving me up the wall. I’ve been complaining about my back a lot and I wake up every morning with a sore neck (and don’t say it’s my bed or my pillow, because I’m not sure that’s the case – maybe it has something to do with the way I’m sleeping, but I don’t think it’s my bed or my pillow!). The Boyfriend and I were joking the other night about my pain, because when I first started complaining of the knee pain, doctors chalked it up to Osgood-Schlatter Disease, a sports-related injury. And then my shin starts hurting and we start joking that maybe it’s shin splints. Wouldn’t that be hilarious if my lazy ass kept getting sports-related injuries? My body must think it’s working mighty hard, when it’s really not…

Well, I think that’s all I’ve got for today. Did your day feel long today too?