The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Lonely Journey


I have been sore… Really sore. It’s made me not want to leave my bed for days now. I’m also stressed… Really stressed. I’m stressed because I have the longest to-do list I think I’ve ever had and I have absolutely no idea where to start. I’ve gotta get my taxes done, get on The Boyfriend’s ass to get his taxes done, we’ve got a house that is perpetually dirty and even when I work my ass off on keeping it clean, can’t seem to keep it that way. We’ve got a lot of money-stuff to figure out, not necessarily because we’re hurting in that department, but because we don’t want to be hurting in that department a few months from now. Plus, these weekly appointments of ours are just causing me a lot of headache, so much planning around that every week…

I’m just stressing in general…

Not to mention the mound of work I’ve created for myself online and the amount of times that I’m too sore to get on the computer, it’s just a never-ending long list of things that have to get done and that seem to never get any closer to actually being done. It’s a headache and a half. I mean, I’m happier than I’ve ever been that all the work that I’ve been doing for the last long while is finally getting going somewhere, it feels like a great accomplishment. I’m even happy about the headache of going into this new “future” with all my online activities. It’s just a lot to deal with and it gets to the point of feeling overwhelming when it’s just little ole me and no support in real-time about this stuff.

Like for example, I go to brag online about reaching over 100 members in The Erotic Writers Community and people online are cheering me on, “Keep up the good work!”-style, then I go to my Mom and The Boyfriend and brag again, and both of them stare at me blankly and in monotonous tones drearily reply, “Oh, that’s great…”. I’ll never get over how isolating all my online activities are, because no one else seems to be interested… Did I even tell you about the conversation The Boyfriend and I had the other night?

He’s going off about how I need to finish reading one of his R.A. Salvatore books, since I started reading the series and now the next book that I have to read, he only has in this huge hardcover 3-volume thing. It’s way too heavy to read in the bathtub, the only place I really ever get around to reading. I roll my eyes at him, because he’s always pestering me to read these books even though he knows I’m not a huge fan of fantasy-novels. It’s different with R.A. Salvatore, because I’ve found the Drizzt stories to be incredible, but I’d rather read my books every once and awhile.

Then, later, he goes off about how I need to start playing this and this game, so that we could talk about it, compare scores, blah blah blah. Again, I roll my eyes and say to him, “It’s kind of dumb that I have to be interested in all the things that you’re interested in, and you don’t have to be interested in any of mine. How many times have I begged you to read The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty? When was the last time you even looked at my blog or my website? I don’t even recall you reading the story that I wrote and I made a whole damned blog around your story!!”, to which his response was to pout cutely and give me his “You’re making me feel guilty” face.

And prior to this conversation, I never really thought about how much that stuff bugged me, because it didn’t really seem relevant. It seems like such petty stuff to care about at all. But after this conversation (more like venting) and after his lack of real response, it’s just kind of sticking with me. And not that The Boyfriend isn’t more interested (even though when I do really think about it, it stings), but just that there’s no one that’s interested. And I know that there’s other people out there… Just not in my sphere I suppose.

I still just find it incredible that in the entire time that this blog has been going, The Boyfriend has never even visited the page. Never even looked at it. On one of my old blogs, apparently I wrote something that basically said I was unhappy with The Boyfriend (although, no matter how hard I try, I cannot find this entry at all). His sister, who used to read my blogs, told him about this post and he decided on that day that he would never read about the “mean things” I was writing about him. I still don’t know what post he thinks I was being mean to him in, because when I read back through all those posts, I don’t see it that way – but I guess that’s what happens when you’re the one writing and feeling and stuff…

Don’t get me wrong, The Boyfriend is incredibly supportive about all my online stuff. He’ll listen patiently as I ramble on about idea after idea and he leaves the computer wide open for me for whenever I get a jolt of online inspiration and need to be in front of the computer, he doesn’t mind when I’d rather blog than cuddle and he’s willing to put his hard earned money into all of my blogging adventures. He supports me entirely on this journey. But it’s still a lonely journey…

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Self-Promotional Babbling


I have so many online-type things that I have to get done today that it’s almost a little ridiculous. I stayed up late last night waiting on The Boyfriend to get home and during that time, sat on the computer clicking around without actually accomplishing anything. I literally have so much that I want to get done that I went to bed dreaming about it all and woke up this morning, earlier than both The Boyfriend and I had planned for me, because the thoughts of all the stuff that I want to get done were drowning out my ability to sleep.

I don’t know if anyone else here is as nutty as me, but I spent the entirety of last night dreaming about Google+… As you know, The Erotic Writers Group on Google+ has recently jumped over the 100 member mark and let me tell you, I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited. On Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, we are only able to have 50 members at a time and when I reached that the first time, I was more than thrilled. But 100!! That’s an awesomely epic number.

But I really want to use Google+ more and better. Right now, I’m really only active in this one community – even though I technically have 2 communities going and I think it’s 2 pages (for Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous and Blog-A-Holic Designs), but I don’t update them enough. I also never write personal status updates, even though I would really enjoy doing so. I generally just want to use Google+ more, at least as often as I use Facebook. But even then, when it comes to computer-related things, my activity has dropped dramatically recently and I want that to change.

I also want to learn more about Google+ hangouts and had that on my brain non-stop last night. I mean yes, it would be fun to do a hangout for personal reasons, but for the most part, I’m thinking about Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous stuff. And while I’ve done tons of research on things like broadcasting an online radio show or writing a script for YouTube videos and have a wad of tips and tricks stashed in my brain desperately waiting for use, I feel like it’s not Google+ specific enough and want to do a lot more research on it.

Question: Do you know of any good adult-themed Google+ hangouts? If so, share them in the comments, because I really want to see what other people are doing!

It’s incredible how long my list of things to do on the internet is, easily it’s way longer than my list of things to do in real life… It’s to the point where I’m stressing out about it, because it’s just so much stuff. One of the one’s that’s really bugging me is coding. Back when I first started this whole online venture, I spent some time and taught myself some HTML and some very basic CSS – just enough to get what I needed. It seemed to come pretty easy for me back then and I seemed to understand all of the information that was being hurled at me. And all that information stuck with me to the point where I can easily write HTML and it’s not a big deal for me.

But lately, as I’m back on the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous re-design again, I’ve been thinking about my need to upgrade my HTML and CSS knowledge – not only because I really want more of a visually appealing, beyond fully functional, easy-to-use website, but also because with HTML5 and CSS3 being the web standard of the future, I’d like my sites to include it. I also really want to wrap my head around things like JavaScript and jQuery, because some of the things that I really want to accomplish and add to my site can only be done with these things. Again, that stuff has to wait until the site is upgraded to use on it and at this point, I can’t be 100% sure when that’s going to happen.

The Boyfriend and I keep planning for it to happen during this time and time time and that time, but when the time actually rolls around, can’t afford it. I’m hoping after this little tax season here, that we’ll be able to do it easy peasy, but until then, I’ll just have to be patient and we all know how good I am at that…

Needless to say though, I have work to do, so I will catch you all later. Man oh man though, this list better start getting shorter soon…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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So Not…


Even though it hasn’t been that long since I last came on the computer, it felt like it took me an incredibly long time to catch up on all the things that I missed yesterday. Yesterday, I was really sick. It had started the night before and I just didn’t feel right and then yesterday, I was so sick that I was either being sick or I was sleeping – the whole day. It was wickedly and brutally intense and I don’t ever want to feel that sick again. However, it only seemed to last a day, so maybe I shouldn’t be so dramatic!

I didn’t expect to get on the computer and have so much to check up on though. But, the wonderful thing about this happening is that I feel a bolt of inspiration that leaves me wanting to do something more, something different. I’ll even let you know what I’m thinking.

It’s been forever and a day since I’ve written any erotica, because I just kind of gave up. There’s a whole bunch of reasons to this, which I won’t really get into right now, but even though I haven’t written any in awhile, I do maintain The Erotic Writers Group on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. Well, when Google+ came out with Communities, I decided to also make a group there for erotic writers and it is taking off rather nicely. And, I’m not even kidding you, it’s an inspiring group. So now I’m thinking, that I might start trying out some erotica again. It’s been a really long time though, so it might take awhile. Need to get out of my negative thinking surrounding sex…

And it’s to the point where it has affected my overall rating of The Boyfriend on questionnaires that we had to fill out. I feel so crappy about not getting any kink whatsoever that it’s just making my entire outlook on sex a negative one. Don’t get me wrong, I love the heck out of every second of vanilla sex that I’m getting and The Boyfriend and I’s relationship has never been healthier or stronger than it is right now, but it’s hard to look at sex as this wonderful and satisfying thing, when it’s simply not as satisfying as I know it could be and desperately crave for it to be.

It’s such a negative way of looking at things…

But seriously people, I’m dead sick and tired of not getting anything kink-related and even more than that, I’m absolutely appalled at how “okay” with that I’ve become. There was a time when his lack of interest didn’t seem to affect my lack of interest. I’d still research the heck out of my interests in kink, I’d still get pleasure from reading blogs from other kinksters and I’d still love to look at pictures and videos and be totally engrossed my thoughts of kinkiness and I’d never lose hope that one day I would have it. But now, every single time I look, I ever single time I read, every single time I research, I feel utter hopelessness.

And when I sit back and actually think about it, it makes me feel really freaking sad and crappy. But most of the time, I’m not thinking about it and so I don’t stay in that sad and crappy place. And since when is that anything like me?!?

Just in case you didn’t catch all the whining going on in the above paragraphs, let me simplify this: “Waaah! I want a spanking!”

I wish that I could even just understand what he doesn’t like about it now. Why was he interested before and why is he not now? And why on earth can he not explain this to me? And it’s not for lack of questioning him about it, he just can’t seem to articulate it. He always just responds with something along the lines of “just because I’m not” or “I don’t really know” and really, that’s not enough for a desire such as this…

So not what I had intended to go off about tonight…

 


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Glad to Get On Here


I cannot tell you how happy I am that I got on the computer tonight… Absolutely and totally happy. It was a rough day today, which made where my bed seemed like the best place in the world to be. We’ll start with how I came to be on the computer and then maybe we’ll jump back to the rough day part of the story – we’ll see how I feel.

So, I’m laying in bed playing Minecraft and Keirnan and Kenzie have been sent up to bed and didn’t cause that much of hassle when it came to actually sleeping. Kaeidyn however, was still awake and in a most talkative mood and my brother (who is doing amazing, by the way…) and cousin are both here visiting. Carter, my dear sweet Carter, was being a most miserable brat. None of the other kids got donuts before bed and I had decided that Carter wasn’t going to get donuts before bed either, but Uncle and Great-Cousin (though they call him Uncle) had gotten donuts. Carter was most unhappy and cried for close to an hour straight. Over and over again with “I want a donut” and “I didn’t get a donut”.

Then, out of nowhere, the cry changes from a semi-manageable cry to a wail. He’s “ow”-ing away. Lately, he’s really enjoyed half hanging off of surfaces when he sits at them. It’s mostly because as he uses whatever is on the surface in front of him, he manages to push it away from himself. We’ll find him dangling by his belly button from the computer desk because he’s pushed the keyboard all the way back to where he can’t reach it from the chair or at dinner time, dangling from the table because he pushed his plate too far away while eating… Somewhere along all the dangling today, he had managed to get – I’m not sure what you would call it, almost like rug burn but from the wood-like-stuff on the table. It seemed like one from much earlier today, possibly from when The Boyfriend and I weren’t here (more on that later).

Anyways, I cleaned it all up and put some Polysporin on it and talked him through the last of his upsets about the donut, and had convinced him that he needed to take a bath. Out of all of the kids, he definitely needs to be bathed the most. So now, instead of whining about the donuts, he’s now whining because he wants to hurry up and go for a bath. I shut off the games and The Boyfriend decided that he was going to play for awhile. Normally this means, when I come downstairs, I can either sit there and watch him play games or go on the computer – so, go on the computer it was.

And once again, I say unto you, I am most pleased that I did. First, I jump on Facebook (as usual) and immediately find some interesting stuff that had me laughing. Then, I jumped on Twitter. Oh wait, I don’t know if I told you this yet… If you’ll notice, in the sidebar, there is a Twitter feed and if you’ve followed me around the web for quite some time (which I know that I’m really the only one who follows me around on the web… :(), you’ll notice that this isn’t the same as it’s always been. The one there, happens to be the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Twitter feed. Some time ago, I had gotten completely fed up with my personal Twitter feed. I was following a lot of people that I had no idea who they were, it was all disorganized and I absolutely despised my previous Twitter handle: @blogaholica – the “a” on the end just always really bugged me…

But recently, I went through my old Twitter account, changed my handle, deleted almost everyone I was following that I didn’t know and had never actually said a word to me and re-organized the whole thing so that I knew what I was working about. I’m pretty sure I alluded to this a couple posts ago. But it was essentially spring cleaning of all my social networks. So, I revamped and came back as @ValerieRayne13 and have been having a great time.

Now that I’m not following a bunch of people who are talking about things that I’m just not interested in (which felt a lot like when The Boyfriend begged me to watch Smosh videos on YouTube last night, which I just barely made it through…), it’s so much nicer going on Twitter and I’m having a ton of fun. By far, my most favorite tweet from myself, so far, goes out to @Cmdr_Hadfield of International Space Station fame (this is one of those things that The Boyfriend got me interested in, that didn’t make me barf a little in my heart). I warn you, not only does it show you just how much of a nerd I really am, but it’s also my lamest and most favorite tweet ever:

After writing this, I’m off to do even more on the computer, before The Boyfriend officially decides it’s bedtime, which I’m sure is coming sooner rather than later, but if you want to read about my rough day, you can always continue reading…

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My 2013 Blogging-Type Goals


Blogging Goals 2013

Blogging Goals 2013

I’m not sure how much I’ve actually told you about this challenge that I’m doing – and at the moment, I’m the only one doing it but that’s okay, I’ll make it work. So tonight, not only am I going to tell you more about the challenge, but I’m also going to use TODAY’S INSPIRATION to write my own post. I’ve been semi-working on this list for month’s, but have been being an incredibly annoying perfectionist about it, so today, I’m throwing that out…

I’m not going to go into great detail about The Blog Everyday Challenge, because I’ve written about it pretty much everywhere you could imagine and because it’s title is pretty self-explanatory. You blog, every single day, for however long you want to set your goal to blog for is – could be days, weeks, months and even years. Our mission is to support you on that journey!

By joining our official group on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, you’ll get support and encouragement to keep you blogging everyday and you’ll also get to meet up with some great adult bloggers. But even if you’re not an adult blogger and still want to join in, we’ve got you covered.

There are even brand new products in the Blog-A-Holic Designs shop so that you can motivate yourself to keep blogging when the going gets tough and even products that you can customize to promote your blog (and the fact that you’re doing this challenge). I’ve been posting about that everywhere too, so I’m not going to say anymore about that…

So, that brings me to my very first goal. I really want to blog every single day for an entire year. So, my plan is to blog daily right here on The Rantings, and while I can’t guarantee what the ratio of adult posts to non-adult posts will be, I’m hoping that it will generally stick around even.

Some of my many other blogging-related/online/technology-type goals this year include:

  • Finish and post the second installment of 100+ Sexual Bucket List Ideas
  • Finish and post piece on different ways to communicate about using your sexual bucket list with your partner
  • Begin commenting on my reader’s blogs more often (because I always mean to and then always cower shamelessly in the internet corner)
  • Post at least 3 times a week to the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous blog
  • Post to The Blog Everyday Challenge group(s) every single day, come rain or shine, sickness or health!
  • Post a video to Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous at least twice a week
  • Actually go through all my FetLife groups, ideally on a daily basis, but even once a week will be better than what I’m doing right now…
  • Post to Updates from the Head Blog-A-Holic at least twice a week
  • Add new products to Blog-A-Holic Designs at least once a week, which includes promoting said products on Tumblr blog
  • Actually start going through my drafts (on all the blogs…) and start finishing and publishing the pieces
  • Learn how to create an application for devices – just because I want to!
  • Step up my social networking game… This one requires quite a bit, but a couple of things that I vow to absolutely do this year:
    • Post every day to my personal Facebook page. It already streams my blog posts there and it shows stuff from the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Tumblr blog twice a day, but I’d really like to start putting my own posts up there. Ideally, I’d use Facebook notes to kind of do a daily update about all the stuff I got done online that day… Here’s hoping!
    • Post every day to Twitter, at least once a day, because I’m really bad for forgetting all about Twitter
    • Start posting and using my YouTube accounts, both my personal and Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous one. One day, the LBA one will include uploaded videos, but at this point, I just don’t have time to focus on it. It’s something that is in the very early planning phases…
  • Figure out the one and only system that I’m going to use to curate content (ie. Digg, Delicious, Diigo, Bit.ly), because right now I seem to use a whole bunch of different things and it’s just not working out to my advantage at all…

I know that more will come to me the more I think about it, but I think this is looking like a pretty hefty list already. I guess another goal we can add to this, is to upgrade Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. I had planned to do this before the New Year, but life kept getting in the way of that goal, so I don’t want to make any promises… But I really want to allow people video uploading and a video chat room (personally, I really want the chatroom, my members apparently want the video uploading).

So now, what are your blogging goals for 2013? Do you typically set goals for your blog, or is this your first time? 


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What I Did… It Feels Like Nothing…


I’ve been hard at work online these last couple of days and I’ve felt inspired and creative and today, I just feel boggled down and overwhelmed. I’m sitting here, as I have been for the last hour and a half, continually starting things, getting halfway into it and then giving up. Then, spending the next few minutes beating myself up for giving up and then jumping in to something else to half start it…

I decided, kind of last minute like (which shows you the problem in the first place), to start a new and in my opinion, very cool new group on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. I’ve done this before, in the form of NaBloPoMo, but didn’t feel like trying that again – so I started The Blog Everyday Challenge. Starting January 1, 2013, it is my mission to blog everyday for as long as I can. Ideally, I’d like to do it for an entire year!

So, of course, right then and there, I should’ve known I bit off more than I could chew, but… I guess, I never learn. So, a Facebook page was created for this group and a Google+ community and then… and then… I jumped over to my Zazzle shop and decided to start creating products for my store (which hasn’t undergone the big re-design that I have been planning forever and a day – which is why you’ve barely heard about it…), which resulted in the insanity that is about to ensue…

First, I decided I needed to create a new Tumblr account, because I was having such a hard time with the whole concept of having the two blogs under the same account. I was constantly posting stuff not intended for one on the other. But then I realized, I needed a new email address. I had stopped using so many of my old ones, to the point where I couldn’t even get into it anymore, so I’ve just been using the one. Mixing the personal life emails with the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous emails (mostly ones coming from stuff I’m doing and not anybody in the outside world…) and now the Blog-A-Holic Designs emails was becoming too much, so a new email was made.

It’s just been a slew of getting tons accomplished and getting absolutely nothing accomplished. Let’s take a look at what I’ve done in the last few days:

And doing all this stuff (which I’m sure I missed a few things, I just can’t think of them right now), has just made my to-do list even longer and even harder to accomplish. Thinking about all the things I still have left to do and all the plans that I still have in the works and I just feel like sitting back, kicking up my feet and saying, “Phew!”. Like, I just want to catch my breath for a second.

On one hand, I love this total and absolute addiction to this kind of stuff. I love this whole creating thing and I love when I get hit with these really inspired and motivated bursts online. When it seems like it’s all coming easily and it’s flowing from me with ease. But I also hate it, because I feel like I’m just setting myself up for failure.

Which I’ve been feeling like a lot lately. Like every single move I make is a move towards absolute and epic failure and I feel it weighing heavily on me. I’m sick of not completing things, of starting things without ever finishing them, of giving up entirely. I’m sick of being that person.

So tonight, I’m sitting here trying to get started on something I hope to finish and I feel like I’m stumped and hitting a brick wall. I feel frustrated and overwhelmed and just generally harumphed…


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No Closer to Getting It Done…


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I have been absolutely consumed by the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous re-design these last few days, whenever I haven’t been trying to get up the motivation to do the cleaning…

Unfortunately, it’s not as much in the re-design as it is in the planning of the re-design at this point. First, I tried out TeamLab for working on my planning of this massive undertaking. There are things that I definitely appreciate about this app, but I just couldn’t get into the look or feel of it. I also hated that it’s just lil-old-me working on this project and this app has a huge section for community engagement, so that a company can stay connected with their employees. One day, my friend, one day…

So, I went on a day long hunt that has resulted in a more than one day experimentation with all these different apps. I went through the Chrome Web Store, which I try to do as little as possible, because this place is seriously addicting. People just go out and create these wicked things for you to use, like this really awesome tracker-thingy that I just installed, that literally lets me track everything. My food eaten, my sleep, my pain and my freaking period!! There’s even more awesome features, but I’ve only really tried out the tracking, and it’s only been for two days!

Anyways, back to the point…

Then I tried working with Teambox, but found it was a lot like TeamLab, so I moved on. There are tons of great project management apps out there and if you’re a business or a really big blog, then a lot of them are really great. But for just me – I don’t even know how to describe myself in this situation – I mainly just need a place to post all my great ideas (I say that with the utmost seriousness…) and keep track of what I’m doing. But I also desperately want to get fancy about it and be all professional and organized and treat it like my business baby.

Tonight, I’m experimenting with Podio. I haven’t gotten an iota of a step into actually planning anything to do with the site re-design, but instead have gotten lost in the fascination brought on by browsing the app market and then finding out that I can modify these apps and make them exactly what I need for what I’m doing.

Point of the story:
I’m overjoyed, but no closer to getting done what I need to get done…