The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Lonely Journey


I have been sore… Really sore. It’s made me not want to leave my bed for days now. I’m also stressed… Really stressed. I’m stressed because I have the longest to-do list I think I’ve ever had and I have absolutely no idea where to start. I’ve gotta get my taxes done, get on The Boyfriend’s ass to get his taxes done, we’ve got a house that is perpetually dirty and even when I work my ass off on keeping it clean, can’t seem to keep it that way. We’ve got a lot of money-stuff to figure out, not necessarily because we’re hurting in that department, but because we don’t want to be hurting in that department a few months from now. Plus, these weekly appointments of ours are just causing me a lot of headache, so much planning around that every week…

I’m just stressing in general…

Not to mention the mound of work I’ve created for myself online and the amount of times that I’m too sore to get on the computer, it’s just a never-ending long list of things that have to get done and that seem to never get any closer to actually being done. It’s a headache and a half. I mean, I’m happier than I’ve ever been that all the work that I’ve been doing for the last long while is finally getting going somewhere, it feels like a great accomplishment. I’m even happy about the headache of going into this new “future” with all my online activities. It’s just a lot to deal with and it gets to the point of feeling overwhelming when it’s just little ole me and no support in real-time about this stuff.

Like for example, I go to brag online about reaching over 100 members in The Erotic Writers Community and people online are cheering me on, “Keep up the good work!”-style, then I go to my Mom and The Boyfriend and brag again, and both of them stare at me blankly and in monotonous tones drearily reply, “Oh, that’s great…”. I’ll never get over how isolating all my online activities are, because no one else seems to be interested… Did I even tell you about the conversation The Boyfriend and I had the other night?

He’s going off about how I need to finish reading one of his R.A. Salvatore books, since I started reading the series and now the next book that I have to read, he only has in this huge hardcover 3-volume thing. It’s way too heavy to read in the bathtub, the only place I really ever get around to reading. I roll my eyes at him, because he’s always pestering me to read these books even though he knows I’m not a huge fan of fantasy-novels. It’s different with R.A. Salvatore, because I’ve found the Drizzt stories to be incredible, but I’d rather read my books every once and awhile.

Then, later, he goes off about how I need to start playing this and this game, so that we could talk about it, compare scores, blah blah blah. Again, I roll my eyes and say to him, “It’s kind of dumb that I have to be interested in all the things that you’re interested in, and you don’t have to be interested in any of mine. How many times have I begged you to read The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty? When was the last time you even looked at my blog or my website? I don’t even recall you reading the story that I wrote and I made a whole damned blog around your story!!”, to which his response was to pout cutely and give me his “You’re making me feel guilty” face.

And prior to this conversation, I never really thought about how much that stuff bugged me, because it didn’t really seem relevant. It seems like such petty stuff to care about at all. But after this conversation (more like venting) and after his lack of real response, it’s just kind of sticking with me. And not that The Boyfriend isn’t more interested (even though when I do really think about it, it stings), but just that there’s no one that’s interested. And I know that there’s other people out there… Just not in my sphere I suppose.

I still just find it incredible that in the entire time that this blog has been going, The Boyfriend has never even visited the page. Never even looked at it. On one of my old blogs, apparently I wrote something that basically said I was unhappy with The Boyfriend (although, no matter how hard I try, I cannot find this entry at all). His sister, who used to read my blogs, told him about this post and he decided on that day that he would never read about the “mean things” I was writing about him. I still don’t know what post he thinks I was being mean to him in, because when I read back through all those posts, I don’t see it that way – but I guess that’s what happens when you’re the one writing and feeling and stuff…

Don’t get me wrong, The Boyfriend is incredibly supportive about all my online stuff. He’ll listen patiently as I ramble on about idea after idea and he leaves the computer wide open for me for whenever I get a jolt of online inspiration and need to be in front of the computer, he doesn’t mind when I’d rather blog than cuddle and he’s willing to put his hard earned money into all of my blogging adventures. He supports me entirely on this journey. But it’s still a lonely journey…

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Not Well


I’ve discovered why I don’t listen to podcasts.. I simply cannot multitask. I can’t pay attention to what’s being said and also do other things. See tonight, The Boyfriend brought me home a gift that was supposed to be for my birthday but he couldn’t get it until now. I got a BlackBerry PlayBook!!!

So I’m sitting here listening to a podcast and trying to read a couple books that I downloaded, but I think it’s impossible. Especially being that I’m incredibly interested in this podcast.

I’ve only recently started listening to podcasts… Very recently! It started with The Gloria Brame Show, which I officially love. Dr. Brame is kinda my idol (one of many). But tonight, after years of having it on my to-listen-to list, I finally gave a dedicated listen to Savage Love and I think I’ve found another podcast I need to start listening to on a regular basis.

I was surprised at how into the podcast I was getting but even more than that, I was taken aback by how into The Boyfriend was getting. He doesn’t usually pay much attention to anything I do on any device so it was a nice little change. I spent most of the night subscribing to podcasts that I’ve heard about over the years and plan to spend most of today sifting through those.

In other news, I had gotten an infection in one of my teeth last week, which isn’t altogether uncommon for me. First,  I’m a smoker. My teeth are just bad because of it. Then, my back teeth (can’t remember what they’re called, either the molars or wisdom teeth) are trying to come in but there’s no room for them. So, I spent all last week with an incredibly sore mouth. Then The Boyfriend and I had sex and the pain went away. Imagine my total excitement.

But then, I woke up yesterday and instead of feeling no pain, the infection has just moved to the other side of my mouth. My face is all swollen and I’m sleeping horribly because of all this pain. I need to go see a dentist but right now we just can’t figure out how to make it work financially. Lately though, I’ve been wondering if that’s true, or if I’m just so scared that I’m making excuses.

I’ve always hated the dentist. Doctors, surgeons, never been scared of them, but dentists, deathly afraid. I start packing the second they take the x-rays. And while you can now do the whole sedation thing, I do worry a lot about the cost of all that. Just in general, I’m worried.

Something is also going on with my neck and I’ve had probably 3 days now of this intense and nagging pain. It’s making my head hurt constantly and no amount of tylenol seems to be helping. It’s making me more grumpy than I’ve been in a long time…

I’m just so sick and tired of feeling like I’m falling apart. Every time I start thinking that I’m feeling better or healthier, something turns around and bites me in the ass. I feel like it’s taking its toll on me entirely. I don’t even feel like myself anymore…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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PDF’s I’ve Read This Week…


I wouldn’t say that this is a common occurrence for me. I hardly ever look at PDF’s. Not because I don’t want to, I just don’t usually find too many of them. But for some reason, this week, I’ve stumbled across a great deal of them and have been reading my little heart out. And today, I’d love to share with you a few of the ones I’ve been looking over.

Raven’s Lair

The first bit of reading comes from Raven’s Lair. I’m surprised that I’ve never been to this site prior to this week, but I’m honestly really glad that I found it. I’m learning a lot from the two PDF’s I got from here. The first being the BDSM Interest Evaluation, which is much like other BDSM and fetish checklists that you may find around the web. There were a few things on this list that I thought would be nice to see on other lists.

The second PDF, which I’m still scouring for the best tips and tricks, is Crisis Intervention Training. I think a lot of folks who are newer to kink in general, forget that it is incredibly emotional, especially for the person submitting. It can be scary when you begin pushing limits and some of the play scenarios can trigger, as we learn in this PDF, “crisis situations”. While a big focus of this document is preventative measures that you can take to avoid these triggers, there is also a large portion focused on how to deal with these situations when/if you run into them.

Submissive Guide

Everyone knows that I’m a lover of Submissive Guide and have been for as long as I can remember… The site is a really great resource for anyone interested in submission and also for Dominant-types to really learn about the problems that face the modern-day sub. The site offers many quality eBooks, which are essentially extensions of the content you can already find on Submissive Guide, but are totally worth the read.

The first one I read is entitled “Wants and Needs” and walks you through the process of determining what it is you want as opposed to what it is you need from a D/s type of relationship. I love how interactive this particular document is, with the worksheets and exercises that really ask you to search yourself to become the best submissive you can possibly be, whether you’re in a relationship or not.

The second one I read is “Making Online Submission Work for You“. lunaKM’s relationship with her Master, was one of the first relationships I remember reading about where they met online and continued to an offline relationship. If I ever wanted to know anything about the world of online D/s, lunaKM is the resource I reach out to, because she really knows her stuff. And online relationships is something I’ve always been very curious about and incredibly skeptical of. Reading this eBook answers a lot of the really important questions that some may be having about online submission and also gives you some ideas for once you’ve taken it past that first conversation.

Guild of the Black Pearl

Now, don’t ask me too much about this next one here, because I’m still researching and can’t tell you very much. I just discovered this interesting (and kind of repetitive) gem yesterday. The Code d’Odalisque. I was researching “The History of the Dildo” for another post (my research is not going well…) and ran across this blog describing The Code d’Ode (as they say…) and switched from researching about dildos to researching about this “non-violent cockslave role-play”.

While I am not “required” or “forced” to do it, I would definitely consider myself a bit of a cockasseur, if you will. And, like the motto of your average Odalisque, J’adore le phallus! Almost every night before bed, you’ll find me with my hands all up in his junk, and while eventually I plan to switch into sexy mode and try to get him turned on, for the most part, I’m just admiring the package I’m playing with. I would, at the heart of it, say that I worship cock completely – even if I resent it a little bit. So, I was intrigued by this manual and determined to read it with an open mind.

I did and like I said, it was repetitive. A lot of the same stuff over and over again. It says that it’s meant to be written in a quasi-legal form, so that must be the purpose of the rambling. But I was most definitely interested in incorporating some of the ideas from this manual into my eventual (hopefully) kinky lifestyle.

So there’s the few PDF’s I’ve been reading this week. Do you ever read PDF’s? Which ones are your favorite and why?


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I’m Back and I’m Reading!


Well, I’m finally back online… It only took forever and a day!! And to think, if our internet provider had actually not sent my modem (which they weren’t supposed to), I’d still have at least 3 days left of the hell of no internet. This time wasn’t nearly as bad as other times have been, but that’s probably because I had just finished buying myself a whole whack of books.

And man oh man, did I ever hit the jackpot there. First, we went to Coles and I got The Last Nude and One Big Happy Family. The Last Nude, I finished in a day or two and was a little disappointed at the ending and One Big Happy Family I am still dissecting, because just a day or two later, we went to Value Village and I got tons more books!

So now, I’m a few chapters away from the end of Middlesex, which is an amazing story! It took me awhile to get into the book, but now that I’m as far as am I, I can’t seem to put it down. I also got the The Gendered Society Reader, which is proving to be a wonderful resource on gender and the male-dominated world in which we live and a huge Sir Arthur Conan Doyle book with 5 or 6 different stories including Sherlock Holmes – which has been on my list of things to read forever now!

I love how much I love to read. I love how much satisfaction I get from starting and finishing a book, especially if it’s a good read. And I love that I’m the type of book reader who never really sticks to one type of book. I like to go between the genres. Really, half the time when I’m picking a book, I pick on the cover alone. If the cover catches my eye, and the little quip about the book sounds decent and at least one sentence from a random page in the book is good, then I’ll most likely grab the book.

In other news, The Boyfriend and I recently bought all the kids’ Leapster Explorer’s for Kenzie’s birthday. We were originally just going to get Kenzie one, but figured it would cut down on a whole heck of a lot of fighting if we got all the kids one. Two days later, Kaeidyn’s screen got busted (not her fault) and after being played non-stop, there is only one that hasn’t had it’s batteries die yet. We did get a charger for them, just haven’t set it up yet.

I’m enjoying the quietness these devices have brought me. It’s no longer, twenty times a day, “Can I play a game?”, because they can now just grab their explorers and play. It definitely reduces a huge part of daily stress. It’s also good because they are really educational games. Keirnan gets a kick out of learning how to draw the letters on them, Kenzie is getting better at his math thanks to Cars 2 and it’s been all around really great. I’m enjoying them!

I was pretty disappointed today when getting the internet back up and running, to discover that the money that I transferred into my PayPal account so that I could upgrade Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, couldn’t be used to upgrade the account because apparently Spruz likes to make things pretty difficult that way. I can’t just have a PayPal account hooked to my bank account, I have to add a credit card and guess who doesn’t have a credit card?!? I’m surprised I’m not more peeved about it right now, but I figure that I’ll figure something out sooner rather than later. Give me a day or two…

I’ve got a to-do list right now that will not stop growing, no matter how hard I try. I gotta find out about getting the kids into the dentist, especially Kaeidyn since she’s been having problems with one of her teeth. My house is still a complete disaster and I’m surprised that it’s not bringing me down more. We’ve been working on, but can’t seem to make any sort of real dent in it. Maybe because the mess makers are always here…

And don’t even get me started on all the things that I need to get done now that I’m back up and running online. I hate neglecting that stuff for so long, because it seems to take me so long to get back into my groove. Hopefully tomorrow will be a more productive day than today has been so far and hopefully I’ll figure out this site upgrade thing…

Well, it’s good to be back folks!


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Sick Kids and Carpet Freshener


This week, I’ve written, deleted, re-written and decided not to publish at least 10 posts. I feel very stunted in my writing lately. I almost feel like I have nothing to say, nothing to report, nothing to write about. Even though, I know that’s 100% a lie.

First of all, 3 out of 4 of the kids have been sick ever since they got back from their Dad’s on Monday night. First was Kaeidyn throwing up in the middle of the night with a high fever the next day. I thought it might of been because of her knee. A few nights before, she had fallen off her bike onto the road and smashed up her knee pretty good. We took her to the hospital, since it looked like she had a rock stuck under her skin. Luckily, it really wasn’t that bad, and it just needed to be cleaned out really good and then have bandages on it. But I was sure she was sick because of her knee.

Upon checking it out, her knee was fine and it’s been healing well. Then I thought that maybe it was something that she at her Dad’s. I wrote Alfie a message on Facebook, telling him we need to start communicating about the kids more effectively. I was glad that I told him, but I feel like it’s just going to be like everything else I’ve ever told him…

So then Keirnan starts throwing up. He’s been fine outside of that, no fever or out of the usual tiredness. Then today, Kenzie starts throwing up and falls asleep way before the other kids – something that almost never happens.

It’s not the first time that they’ve gone to their Dad’s and come home sick. A huge part is gnawing at me and screaming in a pip-squeaky voice that it’s something emotional on their part. Stress, upset, something along those lines. And I have no idea how to go about approaching the subject with them, or Alfie or even myself. I’m at a complete loss about what to do, and at even more of a loss of how to go about finding out if it’s emotional or just a flu or something…

Outside of that, things have been going mostly good in all other departments. I’ve changed up hours at work, so instead of working 12 – 3, I now get to be there 9 – 12. It’s really no different going in at that time, and it’s been good so far. I got an email today asking that we all start dressing a little more professionally and I’m not sure how I’m going to manage that.

I’m having such an issue with my weight and the way my stomach looks lately that it’s been really hard looking for clothes. Last weekend I decided I needed to get a new shirt. After 3 hours at the mall and over 20 shirts tried on, I walked out with nothing and everybody else got a brand new outfit. Everything I tried on felt wrong, felt awkward and I was so worried that none of it would fit after the pants debacle.

The Boyfriend and I have been doing really great lately. It’s been almost surprising to me how things have been going between us, and mostly how affectionate I’ve been towards him. I constantly long to touch him and feel his touch, and just know that he’s there. Even though I only work 3 hours a day, by the time it’s home time, I can’t wait to see him.

What’s surprising is that I’m finding more often that I’m beginning to notice little annoying habits of his. This is normally the point in the relationship where I would start nagging about those habits, or bitch to someone about the habit, or give him the silent treatment or overreact in some way. But I seem to have an infinite amount of patience with him. I don’t seem to get upset or angry or flustered, unless my Mom’s bitching about it, that he forgets to take the garbage out for days on end, or has to start a load in the washer more than once because he forgets about it. It bothers me for the moment that I notice, and then nothing. I tell him to do it, he says he will and that’s the last I say about it and I’m doing really good with it. It feels good.

I’m not saying that I’ve become a completely un-nagging girlfriend, because I’m sure that I still nag. I just don’t feel like I’m such a bitch and when I get up and say to him, “Okay, you have to take the garbage out now!”, he gets up without hesitation and does it, as long as I say it has to be now and not something like “later on tonight”, because that results in the procrastination. And even more surprising is that I don’t blame him for that. I’ve finally come to accept that other people besides me can procrastinate too.

The house is slowly getting cleaner, so that’s a super huge plus. I’ve been trying to really darn hard to do something everyday, even if it’s just something small. Today, we did an awesome job of cleaning the living room and we finally got to the floor underneath of the computer desk. I think it’s because I bought myself carpet freshener. That always seems to get me motivated to clean something!

Then, we got to go to the library again and I managed to outdo my record of 26 items to 33 items. I feel like it’s just going to get worse… But I love that when I’m not in the mood for one particular book, I can just move onto the next move and come back to the first book when I’m in the mood. I’ve been reading like it’s going out of style. Right now, I’ve got 4 books on the go, but technically only 2 of them count because 2 of them are fitness/nutrition books.

We’ve had a lot of rainy days, which only sucks because I’d really like to be trying to hit up the exercise park every once and awhile. I really enjoyed the last time we went, since The Boyfriend and I recently got a badminton set, and I love playing badminton. I’m not one much for playing other sports, but badminton is competitive without ever really feeling like a competition and everyone looks like a dork playing badminton, it’s not like I could out-dorkify someone. And except for the sore abs after my 30 awesome wab board crunches, I felt really good after running around and doing some good old exercise. I’m hoping the weather will get better soon.

Well, that pretty much sums up my week. Nothing really new, nothing’s really changed, and yet it’s all different and feels the same. How’s your last week been? Anyone sick at your house? How’s work going for you? What’s your weather like?


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Finally Got a Library Card!


This week, we finally got me a library card. I’ve been talking about it for a long time now, and after much begging and demanding, we finally got one. Needless to say, I’m a little more than happy. It’s been awhile since I had new books to read, and I got a really good selection. So the last few days I’ve almost completely neglected my computer and have devoured my books.

I just finished reading “How Sex Works” by Dr. Shanon Moleam, and I have to say it was a delightful read. Not only did it really make me use my brain, it was plenty informative, I learnt a few things that I didn’t know (especially about evolution) and it only took me a couple days to read it.

We also got movies from the library. So far we’ve watched one of my favorite Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movies ever, Shall We Dance. Kaeidyn stayed up late to watch it, and kept trying to figure out why it was black and white. She was almost angry and upset about it. It’s been so long since I got to see a Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movie, that I was completely swept up to it and was made even happier to see The Boyfriend enjoying the movie and even tapping his foot along with the music.

For years, I’ve thought of myself as more of a Warrior than a Trekkie. But after getting season 1 of Star Trek: Voyager from the library, I’ve completely changed my tune. I am, without a doubt, 100% a Trekkie. So far, I’m loving Captain Janeway, and seriously want to be here. The only thing I’m not liking so far is all the time travel, but at the same time it keeps me intrigued.

Other than that, things are going pretty well. Work is good, though incredibly boring. I’m not a fan of jobs where I feel like I’m getting paid to sit around and do nothing. I’d rather have a steady flow of work, not too slow, not too busy. Some days I get that, but for the most part I just feel bored. Oddly enough though, I come home and feel like it was a stressful day at work.

So that’s just a quick update of what’s been going on around here. Nothing too crazy, just the way I like it. I’ve got a couple posts in the works that I’m hoping to have out sometime this week or next, so stay tuned for that. How’s your week going?