The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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It Happened!


After much complaining and two years of impatiently waiting, it finally happened. I finally got a spanking!!

Okay, maybe not a spanking exactly. Two hard smacks, but still, closer than I’ve been in two freaking years!!

I had spent the night pestering The Boyfriend about this issue, without actually being bickering or nagging about it, just letting him know that it was on my mind. At one point, I mentioned to him that quite a long time ago he had made all these statements about how he should have to spank me every time he gets anal and that he’s gotten anal quite a few times without having to give me a spanking at all. We laid down in bed and gave this “erotic anime romp” series on Netflix a try out, Girls Bravo. We’re only two episodes in, so I haven’t really begun to form a strong opinion, but it was definitely a good warmer up to porn.

We seemed to be having a really difficult time picking porn, because I couldn’t seem to take it seriously if my life depended on it. Finally, I decided to stop looking with him in mind and ended up choosing a Kink.com Public Disgrace video (some of my favorite porn ever by the way people!) and it definitely did the trick. I was absolutely entangled in this film and could not take my eyes of the screen for anything, I was just in heaven watching this girl get used and abused and all the people. Still sends shivers down my spine.

I rolled onto my side and The Boyfriend snuggled up close behind me, his naked cock warm as it rest at the meeting of my legs and rear, flexing to meet with my moistening lips. I reached behind him and grabbed frantically at his ass, remarking on it’s amazing shape and it’s perfectly adorable fit against my hand. He slid his hand over my hip and up to my breast, forcing it this way and that, squeezing roughly at my nipples. My nails dug into his flesh as his hand reached up and his fingers gripped my throat, his other hand sliding under my head, trapping my head down by my hair.

My other hand went to his arm and I dug my nails in there, as he slowly slid his throbbing cock into my wet slit. We both paused as he reached the peak of his descent and our breaths were held in our chests, mine in his firm grip. His hand moved to my shoulder as he held me still for a few hard pumps, before releasing me to play on him. I slowly moved my hips against him, my soft lips circling his swollen member and I gently rocked allowing him more access and then only allowing shallow penetration on his behalf. As I pulled off of him, his cock drenched in my juices, he slowly pushed back in, but this time it wasn’t into my pink heaven.

It seemed so easy this time compared to every other time. I was so wet and he was so covered in my wetness that things were gliding with ease. As it became uncomfortable, he grabbed me tighter and whispered in my ear as I moaned out to him, “Daddy… Daddy… Daddy…” – my favorite thing to call him in the whole world, even though we don’t participate in any type of Daddy/Girl kinks. He grabbed my hip and pushed forward a little when I felt a sudden Smack! on my ass.

A few more quick thrusts and another Smack! on my ass. My moans of “Daddy” became much louder as he thrust harder and harder, a sure sign that he was in the midst of cumming. He reached between my legs, opening them wide and his fingers went to immediate work on my clit, his cock slowly losing girth in my tight hole. I squirmed frantically on him, bucking my hips wildly against his fingers, choking out words as he brought me to a very intense orgasm that resulted in my entire body going completely stiff next to him.

I have still yet to figure out how I feel about this spanking…

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This post is intended for adults 18+


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Did I Tell You About Last Night?


Thanks to The Boyfriend’s birthday, it has been two really great nights of sex-having and I don’t think it will be our last – not for at least another two days. I always love having birthday sex, especially when it’s not my birthday, because somehow it just always feels better. Even when it was the same sex you had just the night before, add the anniversary of someone’s birth in there and things just seem hotter.

The only thing that has even slightly sucked at all about the two nights (okay, technically, they were both in the same day. But one was at like 3 AM on Sunday and the other was just before midnight of that same day – but I slept in between, so that’s a different day for me…) was the porn. Let me clarify. I love watching porn and for the most part, tend to really enjoy doing it during the foreplay stage of sex. I don’t need a lot to get me ready to go for sex, so the foreplay is more for The Boyfriend than it is for me.

However, I’m really starting to not like his taste in porn – and not because he has bad taste, but because everything he wants to watch makes me insanely jealous. And, if this were the me of 5 or 6-years ago, it would be jealousy because he’s getting so turned on by these women on the screen, but that’s not it at all. No, instead, I suffer with being jealous because I so desperately want the things that he really enjoys watching.

When it comes to porn, The Boyfriend is all for anything lesbian. If it’s got 2 girls in it, he’s game. He even prefers that, when we pick heterosexual porn, there be 1 guy and 2 girls (at least), because he really has a thing for watching lesbians. And trust me, I really do too. But immediately, the second he even suggests it, I just fill with a whiny type of jealousy that normally results in me playfully sobbing, “I want to do that!!!”. But what bugs me most, is not that I want to do that, but because when I whine it at him and then try to say something along the lines of, “You should let me do that!”, it’s just a conversation silencer. He immediately goes quiet and I swear, intentionally stays that way so that I won’t say anything else about it…

Rant over!

So anyways, we ended up coming across some incredibly sexy videos dealing with lesbians and double dildos (another thing that The Boyfriend has really gotten into recently). The first night, I don’t think we watched for long at all before beginning our serious playing – where penetrative sex is being had, but we’re not actually having sex, more like just teasing each other for prolonged lengths of time. The most memorable moment of the night was getting up to get a drink and being stopped mid-way to be bent over and pounded from behind, my hands on the floor near my feet. It felt good and he enjoyed the view.

The Boyfriend had one birthday wish, one that the mere thought of the wish coming true, completely ruined the chances of it ever happening. As I’ve probably said before, The Boyfriend enjoys anal quite a bit – not really sure why he enjoys it as much as he does, and he definitely doesn’t know either, but he does. I, on the other hand, really don’t care for anal sex. I grew up wanting to be a total anal whore, but now that I’ve tried anal sex my required three times, I just can’t seem to really enjoy it. There have been a few times but for the most part, if and when I do it, I’m totally just doing it to please him.

It came as no surprise that his birthday wish would be anal and before he even said it, I knew he was going to ask if I’d be down. I had mentally prepared myself to say yes and was intentionally trying to rough up the serious playing so that I’d be more likely to enjoy the discomfort anal sex brings me. Alas, as he whispered in my ear, “Can I?”, the entire thought of it proved to be just a little too much for his (to quote Sadopaeidia – the best book ever!) “John Thomas” and he ended up cumming right there and then. I had already had a short orgasm earlier on in the playing and was quite pleased when he asked me if I thought I could cum again while he went limp inside me – so hot!

The next day (although, refer to the point about this above, because it was technically still the same day), he was doing little things all day long to keep me quite ready for more. Like when he needed to use my soft clothes to wipe one of his games off and he gently rubs his fingertips up my legs, starting from my ankles and all the way up to my inner thigh or the gentle kisses he pampered my neck with as I sat on the computer blogging away. By the time we got into bed, all I could do was think about what we were going to do to each other.

We’d both been talking about 69’ing for some time and just never actually found ourselves doing it. But it had been a really long time since we last 69’ed, so I put my foot down and demanded some oral sex! Again the lesbian double dildo-type porn was put on and it didn’t take either one of us long to decide that we were ready to really begin getting it on. It had been so long that we were both a little awkward about it, as I expected. We couldn’t get comfortable, my pussy was up too high for his tongue to reach and my boobs kept getting in the way of me being comfortable on top of him, but eventually we got it all sorted out.

I could not get over how long he seemed to be and how difficult I was finding it to get most of him in my mouth. Usually, it doesn’t seem that hard. After our orgasms had finished, which beautifully happened at the exact same moment, I mentioned how long he seemed and it turned out that someone had spent some time shaving – not a lot, just a trim (because that’s how I like it). I was most pleased and feel asleep dreaming of trimmed pubic hair.

I am sincerely hoping that tonight will result in another sex-session, but for now, we’re just enjoying the peace and quiet of everyone’s bedtime 😉

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Bittersweet Relief


 

Last night was absolutely bittersweet. On one hand, the 3-hour-long sex session was out of this world! On the other hand, the tired discussion afterwards, sucked hardcore… And surprisingly, I wasn’t disappointed by it. I was, in that instant, relieved to finally know for sure. Today, I kind of have no feelings towards it. Probably a hardcore case of denial, also known as, watch for the pending doom…

So, the 3-hour-long sex session began after I watched a few movies on Netflix. The last one I watched was Public Sex, which is essentially about Dogging. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this movie to much of anyone, because I didn’t think it was that great. In every area that I thought it would be really great, and for every time that they built up to something great, it just kind of fell short. But I wasn’t expecting greatness going into it, so it wasn’t a surprise. The movie did little in the way of getting me turned on, but it definitely gave me a craving to watch porn.

Which almost seems like it’s now become “a part” of The Boyfriend and I’s sex routine. I don’t know if I can remember the last time we had sex without having porn on. And, it’s not normally him who initiates this at all. I mean, I guess a few of those times. But for the most part, I turn it on without even asking. Then, we go through and laugh at all the various funny titles and usually pick together the one’s we’d like to watch. Last night was a little bit different, because at first, I picked what I wanted to watch without letting him have a say and then I made him pick one without me having a say.

This time was also different, because I pointed out everything in every video that I really liked. Of course, during all of these videos, we’re not just watching. We’re playing or fucking or sucking, normally both of us holding off on cumming until the very end. I’m going to call that whole thing playing, the building up to orgasm. So normally, when we’re playing, he tends to not pay much attention to the porn. Every once and awhile we’ll both glance over for a moment, or we’ll watch it during one of our smoke breaks, but once we’re place the basic foreplay and have delved into playing, we’re normally pretty involved in what we’re doing. But last night, I asked him to stay watching the porn for some of my favorite things and things I’d really like to try, like squirting during double penetration and eating a girl out in front of him without him being allowed to touch. There wasn’t much said on his part, but it definitely didn’t put a damper on any sexual activity.

By the time he put his chosen porn on, it hardly got watched. We talked about the girls’ skirt and which one he’d prefer on me and which one I’d prefer on me, and then the porn hardly got paid attention to at all. I don’t know if this is a new interest of his or if he’s always had an interest in girl-on-girl strap-on sex, but he’s showing off that interest a lot more recently. I’ve never really been into girl-on-girl strap-on sex, though I’ve never hated it either. I wouldn’t pick it out of a group of videos, but I wouldn’t turn it off if it was put on, if that makes sense.

Moments later, we were cuddling, coming down from equally amazing and surprisingly sudden orgasms that neither of us thought were going to happen when they did. Of course, this was the first thing we discussed during our post-sex discussion ritual. Then, we recounted our favorite moments and the things to include in future sessions, like we always do. And then, as I was caressing his finger tips and forearms, I told him that I had something to ask him, but didn’t want him to take it the wrong way.

You could feel his entire body tense, dreading the question to come. Before I thought more about asking the question, dreading the answer that may follow, I quickly dived and gently thread the words together, “Do you think there is ever a chance that we will be on the same page sexually?”. I’m not even sure that he hesitated before answering, “No, but I’m worried about saying that.”

At first, I felt this extreme disappointment wash over me and it was hastily followed with this sudden relief, because at least now I know. I know that all my dreaming, while with him, is pointless. It’s a relief because I can now stop thinking that there might be a chance that one day in the future he may spank me. And when I asked why he was worried, his response was, “Because, I’m worried you’ll say ‘Then, what’s the point!’ and I don’t want that.” and I said that I don’t want that either. Because I don’t.

I’ve always said that I don’t want to break things off with him over a sexual thing like this, when I know there are ways for us to get around this. For both of us, to some degree, get what we want and be happy. If some other area of our relationship were bad, then it’d be different and my thoughts would be something other than what they are. But it’s not like that for us. Every area of our relationship is really great, that ruining it just because he can’t fulfill my kinks, makes absolutely no sense. The vanilla sex is really good, the communication between us is good, the feelings we have for each other are strong and real and important. I can’t see tossing all that away to just have a chance at getting into a kinky relationship, that may or may not be as fulfilling and satisfying as this relationship.

I wanted to talk more. I wanted to ask more questions and be the eager beaver that I normally am when it comes to these things. But instead, I stepped back from the experience that I was in and am now beginning to think about how I plan to progress from here. And honestly, that part worries me the most. What am I going to do with this information? Today, I feel like I could care less about it. I’m writing this post because I feel it’s necessary, not because I’m actually actively thinking about the situation. I seem to be rather unbiased about it right now and I’m convinced that’s my version of denial.

I foresee my future emotions, over the next coming days and weeks. I see bitterness, sadness, acceptance, anger, obsession, complacency, hope, maybe even humor. I foresee many more attempts at many more unsuccessful and discouraging conversations. I foresee some irrationality on my part and some stress on his. I foresee an inconsistent wave of blog posts coming up when I really start thinking about the conversation and I see me spending more time than I’d like, thinking about this…

For now, I’m going to focus on today…


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I’ve Been Mean…


To my Facebook Fan Page that is…

I just realized today that I haven’t even been on there in a few weeks. The Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Fan Page, I’ve visited every day this week and updated it a couple times, but my personal fan page has been left untouched since December!! Not very happy with this little detail.

My big plan was that I was going to post all my around-the-web activity to this page and I’m apparently doing an incredibly shitty job! I’m a little disappointed, but not very surprised. But it’s officially a goal now to reverse that! It’s almost retarded how many online-related goals I have at the moment.

From upping the ante on most of my social networks, the large focuses being Facebook, Twitter and Google+, to expanding and upgrading Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous to blogging more often here on The Rantings, I’ve got my blog-a-holic hands full! It’s quite exciting and I love that when I sit in front of my computer, I’m inspired and motivated and flowing with creative juices. It’s exciting and I feel really good about this year in blogging.

I’d really like to see my Facebook Fan Page become some sort of useful resource for the stuff that I find interesting as well as a hubspot for updates on all the things I’m working on around-the-web, such as blog posts from everywhere, forums I’m participating in, pictures I’m sharing and tons more. So if you haven’t become a fan yet, head on over and check it out, and be prepared for much more activity in the coming weeks.

In other news…

The Boyfriend and I are still technically fighting over the cellphone incident, though you’d probably never be able to tell. I finally confronted him about the whole issue, which backfired miserably. My heart was racing so hard as I said, “So, how long are we going to avoid this conversation?”, to which he snickered. I went from smiling and half-joking to being completely serious all because of that little snicker.

I asked straight out what he was deleting off his phone. “A Strip Poker App”, huge sigh of relief from me. That was until I started thinking about it a lot more, especially after his reaction to the entire conversation last night, and now I’m convinced a strip poker app is his own coded version of something much worse, because why the hell would you try to hide that?!? I kept saying essentially the same things over and over again in my little rant to him. It’s not the app I’m upset about, it’s the hiding of the app, the awkward weekend because of being too chicken shit to talk about it.

The situation could’ve been handled so differently. Instead of deleting it, he could’ve shown me it shortly after he downloaded it in more of a joking matter, one that I couldn’t get mad at. “Look at this funny app I just downloaded?”. I probably would’ve laughed about it, I probably would’ve asked to play, and there’s only a slim chance that I would actually get mad about it. It’s not like you can consider something like that to be porn exactly. You don’t have to work that hard for porn, there’s no having to know how to play poker to watch porn!!

Instead he made it seem like a dirty, shameful secret and that’s the whole issue that I have with it. There are a hundred people who will tell you that I’m the most sexually-accepting person in the world! I don’t understand why it’s so hard for boyfriends to respect that and just share that part of their sexuality with me. I’m not saying that I want to be there every time they watch porn, though I think it would be a lot more fun if I was, I’d at least like for it to be treated like it’s normal. I’d like when I found out, they didn’t lie and honestly, I would love if a guy was just honest about it from the very get go. “Oh hey, by the way, I watched some porn earlier today. Just thought you should know!”.

I’m not saying that would solve the whole issue, but it would help. I wouldn’t feel like they were sneaking around behind my back to do something that they know is going to upset me. That just feels vindictive and mean. Anyways, the conversation ended with me saying what I needed to say about the situation, which is basically all of what I just said, and then… It was silence for the rest of the night. I rolled over to my side of the bed, he rolled over to his, we didn’t say a single thing to each other and each of us fell asleep. I was completely convinced that he musn’t have heard anything I said, and today, I’m pretty sure that’s true.

I spent all day at work today, beyond angry at him. It was a boring day at work, so I sat with my notebook writing non-stop about the situation. Somewhere around the 3rd or 4th entry, I started thinking that breaking up was a really great option – all over a stupid cellphone app! I seriously considered “grounding” him off his cellphone to teach him a lesson, then it changed to every electronic device unless I was present and by the time I left work, all I could think about was my anger towards him. It had consumed me completely.

Then, yet again, the same as the last time we fought, I decided I wasn’t enjoying the awkwardness of the whole situation, so guess whose given in like a bitch? That’s right, I have. I even said to him, “I was planning on being so much meaner to you today…”. I hate that he’s completely the one in the wrong in this situation and I feel like I’m apologizing. And last night after I voiced my opinion, I felt like I was the one being punished for my actions. I just don’t get it…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Things I’ve Learnt About My Sexual Self


  • I get really moody after a few days of not having sex
  • I get a little paranoid the longer it is between sex sessions
    Example: I start believing The Boyfriend is cheating on me…
  • My emotional state prior to a sex session largely determines my emotional state immediately following the sex session
  • I really suck at staying mad at someone when they make sexual advances…
  • I am much more aware of my physical flaws during sex (and not just because they’re out in the open more, because I tend to keep a lot of my clothes on…)
  • I feel much younger the day after sex, even though my body aches more
  • The more I think I’m going to orgasm sooner, the longer it takes to actually reach orgasm. Whereas if I think that it’s going to take forever, it’s normally so fast that I almost regret it, because then sex is like a five minute deal…
  • And while five minutes totally rocks sometimes, it gives me no chance to loosen up to have a really great orgasm
  • I have a very hard time staying reasonably quiet during sex, and I have no idea if it’s affecting how good the sex is…
  • On average, I can last a whole two days before I start feeling like it’s been too long since I last had sex…
  • Porn and I have a very odd and complicated relationship…
There’s more, I just can’t think of any right now. Look forward to updates!!!