The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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Lots of School Stuff

I don’t remember if I said this last year or not, but I freaking hate back-to-school. On the one hand, I’m incredibly excited about it. I’ll only have 1 kid at home all day, every day. I’ll get time alone and I have so many plans for that time that I get alone now. On the other hand, it’s just a huge deal of stress.

We went school supply shopping today… Almost $300 later and no new school outfits for anyone this year. Maybe next payday they’ll get a new outfit, but right now, it’s just not going to happen. And the worst part, we didn’t find everything that we needed. They were either sold out or we just got fed up looking. It was so confusing and you don’t want to buy the wrong thing or the more expensive thing or the thing that’s never going to get used or any other number of variables, plus the kids are all up in your calculating business, so you’re distracted and adding and reading and it’s a lot on the brain all at once…

I hate back-to-school!

In other school-related news, though this part is less hated, we went for Keirnan’s kindergarten orientation and speech therapy assessment today. He’ll be going to school with The Boyfriend’s cousins kid, so that’s really really exciting. It’ll be the first year that we’ll actually kind of know someone that the kids are going to school with and while we don’t know them very well as of yet, this could be the year that changes that all. Who knows!

Keirnan did great with meeting his teacher and his speech assessment went good, though there were quite a few problems. It’s amazing how many of those things you don’t notice unless you’re having them pointed out to you. I remember with Kaeidyn, when she started speech therapy in kindergarten, they had noticed that she was saying her “sh” sounds wrong and I never had. With Keirnan, it turns out he’s saying a lot more sounds as other sounds than I had originally thought. It’s not all bad and I’m sure working with a therapist is going to help in ways that I simply couldn’t.

I’m pretty excited for the kids to be back in school, to tell you the honest truth. I’m excited to sit and do homework with them, since we neglected it so much in previous years. I’m excited to get involved at school, even if it’s just a little bit and more socially than anything else. I’m excited to walk them to school everyday, especially being that there are beautiful yards, cars and field/play areas surrounding us. I’m so excited to walk them to school everyday that I even went and bought new shoes specifically for it.

I think what I’m most excited about though, is finally beginning to establish some sort of routine. I’m looking forward to getting up at the same time of day everyday and I’m looking forward to thinking more about school lunches and I can’t wait for my alone time, where I plan to spend my time keeping my house clean and working towards a 45 pound lighter me. I’m just really looking forward to the end of this year (this horrible, crappy and absolutely wasted year…) and the beginning of the next one, which I’m hoping will be better, a lot better!

I still hate back-to-school though… *smiles*

This post is intended for adults 18+

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Feeling Like a Freak…

One thing that is really beginning to blow all sorts of donkey balls around here, now that The Boyfriend is no longer interested in kink in anyway, is that every time kinkiness starts showing itself in our sexual lives, he ends up making me feel like a total twisted freak. After all the bitching that went down over the last few days, I was determined that last night was going to be a sex night. I needed to stop being such a cow!

So, I turned on videos of us that we hadn’t watched yet. We had a hoot and a half listening to our commentary around certain porn, he was enjoying all the noises I was making in the videos and we even fast forwarded so that it looked like the whole thing was in stop-motion, which caused more laughing during foreplay than we’d ever had.

After being so long since I had last cum and the tension between us, the sex was relatively quick once we got down to it. We were both incredibly quiet and everything was feeling so good. I kept having to block thoughts of insecurity, but I had expected that. Then, he reached up and put his hand on my throat…

Something about this drives me absolutely over the edge. It takes the sex to a whole other level and makes my entire body feel small and fragile, something that I desperately crave during sex. He doesn’t do it very roughly (though I’d totally like him too), but he just puts his hand there. He rests is there or softly grips my neck and his hand feels like it could break me. Three times of putting his hand to my throat and I was cumming.

While I was cumming and while he began cumming, I was overcome with some sort of emotion. As my body tightened and my face went completely numb, all I could think about was crying. I pouted into his neck as he held me close and I felt extreme sadness wash over me. Then, I felt resentment and wanted to get away from him. After I went to the bathroom and calmed myself down a little bit, we talked about what we enjoyed.

Of course, I brought up the hand on throat thing and how much I enjoyed it. He responded, “I don’t want to say anything. It sounds incredibly twisted!” and I asked, more like pressed, “What do you mean twisted?!?” and flabbergasted he stated, “It sounds screwed up to say I like to choke my girlfriend!” In that moment, I felt like the biggest freak in the entire world as I, full of pissy attitude responded, “It’s not twisted if you’re girlfriend likes it, you weren’t really choking me AND asphyxiation is a recognized fetish and you can even learn how to do it safely!”

He shut his mouth and I was left there to feel like a total freak bag. Like the things that I’m interested in, in the way that I’m interested in them, completely turns him off. Completely disgusts him and scares him. How can I possibly be in this relationship? I’m sick of being teased with things that might hopefully be one day and things that he so obviously isn’t interested in, so why does he drag me along. I’m sick of being in a vanilla relationship where my only option is to just plain enjoy the vanilla sex, never voicing my desires or wants for fear of being treated like a freak! How did I get 4 years into this relationship to only find out now that he is terrified of the type of life I want?!?

I’m incredibly angry about it. I remember awhile back writing a post about how it was kind of a relief to find out what he really thought about this whole thing. Well, I take that back completely. I don’t feel relieved anymore, I feel downright pissed off about it. I want to tell him that he doesn’t have a choice, I am going to get my kink with or without him, but I hate that!! Then again, I hate that I’m neglecting this interest of mine only to be made to feel like a freak for even thinking about it!!

I think this is the first time in our relationship that I am absolutely at a complete loss of what to do about our relationship. I can’t spend another few years of my life without any kink at all. How am I supposed to do that?!? It’s been 12 freaking years already of not getting my kink on and I am so far passed sick of it that it’s not even funny, it’s just plain depressing. If kink were World of Warcraft and the amount of experience you had in kink could be measured in XP, I would have maybe 5 XP, when you’d think a WoW player of 12 years would have reached Level 80 by now… Nope, still just a newbie Level 1. It’s bullshit!

What do I do?!?…

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Thank You (SARCASM) Menses…

Well, so far, this holiday is not going as good as I had hoped it would. First of all, it’s appearantly period week. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I now experience PMS. I had some cramps my first period year, but I’ve never had PMS. I have been in the most bitchy mood ever and swinging in out of moods like crazy. And now that I’m actually in period week, it’s just being relentless.

It’s been awhile since I’ve seen The Boyfriend tiptoe this much around me, because I haven’t been bitchy like this in a really long time. Or at least, I feel like I’m being way bitchier. Needless to say, all the sex that I was hoping we would get to have this holiday, hasn’t happened at all. And while I’m trying not to let that get to me more than it is, it’s being incredibly difficult, which isn’t helping the bitchiness.

And while I know there are ways to work around blood during sex and while I know that The Boyfriend won’t freak out about it, it’s not like it would be the first time for us, I just don’t feel like it. I don’t want to have sex in the shower and I don’t want to get naked and I don’t want my blood to get anywhere and it’s pissing me off, just straight up!

I know I’m probably being overly graphic and I know you’re probably all cringing hoping this post will end sooner rather than later, but I’m just not in a very good state right now. I feel incredibly angry all the time, for no particular reason. I’m being bitchy towards everyone I love and it makes me feel terrible. And The Boyfriend goes back to work soon and I feel like I haven’t gotten to spend more than 2 seconds with him and absolutely none of it was intimate and that makes me all sorts of negative emotions.

This period can’t end fast enough…

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Hard Adjustments

It has felt like a series of very long days for the last few ones. The kids are stressing me out, the constant cleaning (and never being completely satisfied with it) is wearing me down and I haven’t been sleeping very well at all. I’ve been relentlessly snappy and nagging towards The Boyfriend, even though he doesn’t really deserve it and I am desperately craving a vacation – not that I know what that is, but I’m craving it!

Today is a day that for some reason, is my making my stomach twist into knots. After staying up way too late last night as a storm quickly passed over us and woke up all 4 of the kids at 2:30 in the morning, I got woken up this morning by the neighbor kids screaming at my kids through the window. Then, after all the kids went outside to play, Carter ended up hitting his head off another kids head and his stitches started bleeding. They look fine and I’m hoping they’ll take them out and leave them out, but still… Freaks a mother out!

It doesn’t help at all when you hear Kaeidyn’s blood-curdling screams because of it and it’s harder to calm her down than it is to calm the one that’s hurt down. It makes my heart race and my chest feel heavy trying to keep both of them calm, so that I can keep myself calm. Which led to more nitpicking towards The Boyfriend today, when I started, “You’re the one with the first aid certificate, why am I the one that has to actually do it?”, which he rebutted, “I tried to look, you just jumped right in there!”. Well, excuse me!

My body has been fighting back to all my movement and cleaning, which seems to eat up so much of my energy. Three floors, an endless stream of dishes and neverending garbage buildup, tends to fill my day with more than I can handle, all by myself. But every time the kids or The Boyfriend pitch in, I just feel like I have to work that much harder to clean up after their mistakes. Maybe I’m just being too picky… No, I’m definitely being too picky!

Then, my online world is picking up on me rather fast and I apparently wasn’t prepared enough for it to do that. Members have really begun participating on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, my Twitter feed seems to have something I have to respond to multiple times a day and it’s the first time in a long time that I’m not inspired or motivated to deal with any of it. I do, because I told myself I would, but I’m having a hard time forcing myself to get in front of the computer to do these things. When I do get on the computer, I only spend long enough to check these things out before getting off…

It’ll just take some time to adjust. Let’s hope!

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My Week in Facebook Status Updates

August 20th, 2012:

“Aww my man is so sweet! I was craving listening to The Puppini Sisters, but our stereo was set up in the wrong spot, so he moved it first thing this morning for me. Stopped all my complaining dead in it’s tracks ;)”

August 19th, 2012:

“What a crazy day today. Made a wicked dinner, which included Cheddar Havarti Mashed Potatoes (thank you very much Cahlen), then taught Kaeidyn how to shave her legs so that she’d stop plucking all her hair out with tweezers and finally, used a freezie to make Carter feel better after he slammed his little man between the toilet lid and seat…

Is it bedtime yet?!?”

August 18th, 2012:

“They need to make a blow dryer that is completely silent so that I don’t wake anyone up blow drying my long ass hair… It’s the only way to brush it easily after washing it now…”

August 17th, 2012:

“So excited that we’re going shopping today. I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited to get groceries in my entire life! Kids have gone out to watch The Lorax and Carter is resting on the bed, so now it’s time for me to power clean my house and see if I can’t get another load of laundry done. It takes so long…”

August 16th, 2012:

“It only took about 8 years, but one of my kids finally had to go in to get stitches. Carter’s now got 2 of them on his head…”

August 15th, 2012:

“Hate that The Boyfriend has to go to work tonight, because I would so much rather just sit and cuddle and watch MI-5. Going to be a long night…”

August 14th, 2012:

“Well, made all my phonecalls that I needed to make today. Gotta get another load of dishes and laundry done and then going out with my Mom for a little bit and then I get to come home and put my feet up, feeling very accomplished! Off I go, hi ho hi ho!”

August 13th, 2012:

“It only took forever and a day, but I am finally back online and super happy to be back!!”

And now to let you all know here first, that I’m thinking about shutting down my Facebook Fan Page since I’m not really using it and instead just use my Facebook profile. Thoughts?

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A Night Filled With Excitement

Tonight has been a crazy night! It started around 4:30ish, when my Mom called to let me know that she had gotten a thing to take the pictures off her cellphone and put them on her computer, which she has been trying to figure out how to do for a really long time now. Luckily, she has a tech-savvy daughter who told her how to do it. Somewhere along the line, she couldn’t figure out how to get it to work, so gave up and decided that I would need to help her with it at some point.

Within minutes of getting off the phone with her, my cousin (who I now live very close to) came over for a quick visit. Right after he showed up, my brother called to find out if The Boyfriend and I wanted to go to a fire pit tonight. Since when do I have a social life… But then, the most intense thing happened tonight.

Right around 5:00, the kids were all getting very hyper and loud and got sent upstairs to play. Carter kept continually coming downstairs, screaming and crying for various reasons. The boys were being too rough with him or Kaeidyn wouldn’t let him play with what he wanted to play with or any number of things. So when he ran into the living room crying yet again, I said “Oh Carter…” in a teasing manner before looking up and seeing his head covered in thick blood.

Quickly, I jumped into medic-mommy-mode and began my own assessment of what had happened. After cleaning up his cut, I decided that it was deep enough that a trip to the hospital was in order. I was back on the phone with my Mom and she was rushing over here, worried out of her skull since I hadn’t given her much detail about what had happened. We spent the next hour or so at the hospital, while Carter got 2 little stitches. The first of the kids to ever get stitches.

He took it like a champ, as I knew he would, and didn’t have a concussion, so I was massively relieved. No one was around him when whatever happened happened, and he claims he fell down the stairs, though The Boyfriend and I are pretty sure it was from hitting his head off the stair railing. But at least he’s okay and he’s doing really great now. I imagine tomorrow will be a long headache-filled day for him.

Then, after we got back from the hospital, I guess my Mom tried to get her pictures onto her computer again and within 40 minutes of getting home, she was calling me to ask if I could troubleshoot her problem when she somehow managed to change everything to open wrong. Since I couldn’t instruct her over the phone, because we both made it sound too confusing for the other one, I was talked into going over to her house to fix her problem. I did and felt mighty accomplished that I was easily able to figure out what was wrong and get her pictures off her phone, which made her extremely happy.

To say the least, this has been a night filled with so much excitement that I think I will fall into a deep and blissful sleep in no time. So, goodnight!

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Seeing the Light at the End of This Tunnel

These last couple of weeks have been pure, unadulterated, mind-numbing, heart-wrenching hell! I know it’s been awhile since I last wrote, and I apologize profusely for it, but it’s only been in the last two days that I’ve started feeling at all ready to write again. I’ve spent many days processing and analyzing my feelings, coming up with pages and pages worth of plans, and figuring out and preparing to begin putting my plans in motion. It’s been trying to say the least.

In my last post, I had mentioned about the landlord’s inspection of the unit. I decided not to be there when the landlord did his walkthrough because I was in no way prepared to hear what he had to say. The next day, child services showed up at our door and found our house to be in a “deplorable” condition. Even if we had gotten back up to 100% clean, because of that toilet they still would’ve deemed it deplorable. They asked if the kids could go stay with my Mom and the real fun (sarcasm) began.

It was horrible timing to say the least as Chef was just coming home from his 21-day work stint and his parents were coming into town and my Mom already had my sister’s 2 kids visiting her. The Boyfriend was heading off to Calgary for his training the day after this all happened, which I struggled to not resent him for. And all four kids and I went to stay at my Mom’s. Thank goodness for her and Chef honestly, because I don’t know what would’ve happened without them.

I called around and was able to get our move-in date bumped up, which was more of a gong show than I had expected it to be. After spending the most horrible week and a bit at my Mom’s place, being lectured every single day about how I could be a better parent, even though my parenting was never in question, my housekeeping skills and state of mind were, we finally moved into our new place. And let me tell you, I love it!!

I wouldn’t in anyway say that it’s my dream house, though Kaeidyn would. All the bedrooms are upstairs, there’s 1.5 baths and my kitchen sink looks out the window to the backyard! It’s a thousand times bigger than our last place and there are no carpets in the entire house, which makes sweeping after meals that much easier. We’re still working on getting all the furniture and appliances we need, which will probably take at least another month or more, but everyone has a place to sleep, even The Boyfriend and I have a mattress, and we’re not dying of boredom.

I’ve also been doing magnificently on cleaning every single day. I wake up and do the load of dishes from the night before’s midnight snack, while I’m making lunch I sweep and mop the kitchen floor and do any other dishes that may have been used for the kids’ breakfast and lunch dishes get done while I’m making dinner. I’ve never lived in a cleaner kitchen! Now it’s just a matter of keeping up on it.

The kids are also liking the clean start and Kaeidyn has created herself an entire weeks worth of schedules to ensure her room stays clean. Luckily, we got rid of so many toys when we left the other place, so we haven’t yet had an issue with a mess that way. Mostly just lots of dishes, sweeping and mopping. All the kids even help with the laundry, which I think is going to be the only real issue here, at least until we get a proper washer and dryer. Right now, we have a small apartment-sized dryer that only dries about 5 articles of clothing at a time, which doesn’t work too well when Kaeidyn alone has that many dirty clothes at the end of a day. But we’re making it work until we can afford a bigger dryer.

I’ve been spending the time that I’m not cleaning, creating calendars and schedules and to-do lists to try and ensure that we stay on top of things around here. I really don’t want to end up in a house like the last one and I’m determined to make sure it doesn’t happen around here. If it means I dedicate my life to nothing but cleaning, than that’s what I’ll do. I don’t have any other choice. The first few days here almost felt like I was starting a new blog with all the planning and preparing.

The Boyfriend is starting to feel really stressed out about work-related stuff, which means he comes home in an off mood, which sets me into an off mood. He desperately wants to get promoted simply so that he doesn’t have to work so hard and it seems like he’s being used and abused and stretched completely thin at work. It’s hard to know how to support him during this, other than listening to his rants about his job. I have a hard time not voicing my strong-headed opinions about how he should stand up for himself and stop letting them push him around and it’s even harder, because he’s not that kind of guy. He’s a people-pleaser through and through and doesn’t want to disappoint his higher ups. He carries the weight of his work (and everybody else’s) on his shoulders.

So, that’s essentially what’s been going down around here. It’s been a lot of stress, a lot of tears, a lot of reinventing (if that’s what you want to call it…) and we’re looking forward to not being in this rut anymore.