The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Not Going Good


I don’t feel like I’m in a good way today… Hell, I don’t feel like I’ve been in a good way for weeks now. First of all, I’m re-sick again. I began feeling better, I was finally able to breathe through my nose and I was just dealing with a cough and then I woke up two days ago with my throat absolutely scratching away and my nose all runny again. And it’s happening to everyone.

Kaeidyn was up half the night last night coughing and growling through her stuffed nose, keeping The Boyfriend awake. He’s now into the constant headaches part of this cold and Kenzie woke up this morning hacking his lungs out. Carter has had a non-stop runny/stuffed nose for a good couple of weeks now. But I’m most pissed that I’ve restarted this cold.

I don’t do well with colds. They make all of me hurt. I can’t sleep properly at night, I can’t wake up properly during the day, I can’t function like a normal person when I’m sick. And don’t even get me started on how much I’m not functioning and how much that’s bringing me completely down. I feel myself just wanting to sleep my entire life away and apparently that’s what I’ve been trying to achieve.

But I am downright exhausted… I think the earliest I’ve gone to bed in the last few weeks was around 1 AM. Last night, I was up until way after 3 in the morning, just tossing and turning. Other nights, I stay awake listening to all the sounds in the house. Other nights, I just lay there awake and cannot finally sleep. Finally, I guess, exhaustion consumes me and I eventually fall asleep – hours and hours after everyone has already fallen asleep.

By the time the alarm goes off at 6:30, I’m just starting to actually get into a deep sleep. So I sleep through The Boyfriend’s alarm. He resets it for 7:30 and that’s when the kids are supposed to wake up to get ready for school – though every morning but today, they’re normally up way before that. I’ve been staying in bed when they wake up, half awake, half asleep and make sure they grab everything they need for school. Then after they leave, I tend to fall right back to sleep to catch up on the hours of sleep that I’ve missed. And it’s a terrible habit…

Today, I woke up earlier than usual because the kids were all getting into candy, they were all being loud and rambunctious, and the phone would not stop ringing. The second I sat up in bed, I just felt today being the world’s crappiest day. The Boyfriend called from work and broke more bad news to me and now I can’t stop feeling like I’m on the verge of crying. I don’t want to move and I just want to go back to sleep…

I am just so tired of this life not being kind to me. Every time I think that things are starting to get better for us in anyway, the universe has to bring me back down to reality and remind me that apparently, things are never going to start getting better for us. It’s pissing me off a lot. We were so excited about the big chunk of money we’d be saving in bills and rent when we moved into this place and so far, we’re not seeing that change at all. Somehow, our money is lasting less time. And while a small portion of that can be accounted for in extra food expenditures (since our kids are always hungry), I just don’t know where the rest of it’s going.

There is literally too much that I can whine about. I was doing good keeping the house clean and then this cold hit and now I can’t seem to bring myself to want to do any cleaning whatsoever. Like I said, I just want to sleep… I look around the house and automatically feel exhausted and automatically have to force myself not to just climb back into bed. Things are just not going good for me…


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I am still sick… And getting sick of it…


It’s been a rough couple of days. I am downright and absolutely sick. This is the first day in weeks that I’ve felt anything even close to healthy – even though I have little hope that it will last much longer. And I wish that I could figure out what is going on with my body.

It started a few weeks ago with your average cold. Some runny nose and coughing, then it progressed to an all out stomach war. I spent a few days suffering from intense nausea and now, I’m in the extreme body pain and constant migraines. I don’t remember the last time I took so much tylenol…

Then my period sprang onto the scene almost 2 weeks before I was anticipating it to and has lasted longer than I’ve had a period last in a long while. Needless to say, I am entirely sick of being this sick. It’s been about a month now of one sickness after another. The fatigue I feel has to be the worst part of it all, because all I want to do is sleep. As it is, the past few days have been made up almost entirely of sleep.

Yesterday, I woke up long enough to make sure the kids had packed their lunches before falling back asleep. Then I woke up again, long enough to take Keirnan to school before coming home and going back to sleep. Woke up and got the kids from school and then came home and fell back asleep again until The Boyfriend got home from work. Once he got home, I basically made him spend the rest of the night rubbing my neck trying to make the intense migraine go away.

Today is looking a little bit better right now. I’m still feeling very sore and I’ve got quite the cough going on, but no migraine so far and my stomach is definitely feeling better. I’m going to take it mostly easy for the rest of the day and hopefully feel closer to better tomorrow. I’m so ready to be healthy again!!

In other news… Well, there’s really not a whole heck of a lot. I haven’t been on the computer much in the last few days because of how sick I’ve been. I’ve been watching tons of Netflix and have started to notice that I’m getting increasingly pissed off with all the shows I’m watching ending. First, it was MI-5 and was I ever disappointed when that finished. Then I finished Drop Dead Diva for the second time, and a few days ago I finished what they have of Pan Am on there. The Boyfriend and I have begun watching Terra Nova (which is a freaking good show!) and will finish that tonight… We’re still moseying our way through The X-Files and I’ve started watching Damages (which I’m not sure what I think of that show yet).

Other than that, it’s been boring and quiet around here and I’ve insisted on it to stave off these migraines.


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Cleaning, Work, Kids…


Today was a great day, even though The Boyfriend came home in a not-so-happy mood, and I’m writing this post to you in a still happy state. It’s been great! First, I got some cleaning done today. Not nearly as much as I had originally set out to do, but the kids were all being really pissy about the fact that cleaning was happening, that I only got to the kitchen. I’m counting it as an accomplishment!

Then, I made a delicious dinner, and it’s been awhile since I made dinner that wasn’t deep-fried. Otherwise it’s been takeout or The Boyfriend making dinner. So, it felt really nice to be cooking and experimenting with HP Sauce (which I haven’t used in a long while), and I even made delicious vegetables that the kids and I gobbled up in a heartbeat!

I also, after the last week of working on it, finished my resume and put one out into the employ-a-sphere. I really don’t know what I want to do in terms of work. On one hand, I’d really like to just stay home. I’ve been enjoying these last few days, and if I can get any part of my house more “in order”, than it would be totally worth it. I know my house was much cleaner back when I was a stay-at-home mom… But on the other hand, we really can’t afford me staying home for any long length of time. I’m thinking a couple weeks tops. We haven’t sat down and hashed out the numbers yet, but right now, we’re fine.

I’m also not sure if I really want to go back to being a stay-at-home mom. I mean, when I started working it wasn’t exactly because I wanted to be. It was because I was losing a huge chunk of my monthly income and needed to be working. I didn’t really feel ready to go back to work. But now, I’ve been working for over a year and except for the fact that I hated the job, I loved going to work. I loved interacting with adults, even though I missed the kids like crazy – and the lack of their drama…

But I’m also not sure of what kind of job I want to be going back to. Something like the last place, I don’t want. I would rather be broke-ass poor and struggling than do that again just to survive. I desperately want to work somewhere that I might leave at the end of the day feeling appreciated in some way. I want to work somewhere that doesn’t bore me to death. And the only jobs I’ve ever had like that were jobs like McDonalds – and I don’t want to go back to the food industry… I don’t think.

Oh well, not the point. I put a resume out there, so that’s all that matters right now. I figure do a couple every day, and eventually something’s gotta happen. Who knows what the future holds right now… In other news:

The kids are all doing relatively great, though some of them are sick and others are looking mighty beat up. Boys sure can be rough with one another… It’s exhausting. Keirnan had a bloody nose last night from hitting his face off of something and then today, Carter threw something at him and scraped his face. Carter has bruises just about everywhere on his body, most of them self-inflicted. He has become quite the stumbly, clumsy baby. It doesn’t help that he’s also a bit of a daredevil and can often be found jumping off the couch or half-walking, half-sliding down the stairs.

Kaeidyn’s had a cold that seems to not go away. She starts to get better and then guess who decides to go outside and take off her jacket, and next thing you know, she’s right back to where she was before. Today, she even took a nap because she wasn’t feeling good. I hate to say it, but I honestly love it when she’s sick. Normally, she doesn’t pay much attention to us adults in the sense that she could care less to really hang out with us. When she’s healthy, she’d prefer to be outside with her friends or drawing in her book. But when she’s sick, she loves to cuddle and insists on sitting near us and if I was having a bad day, it probably would’ve bugged me, but I’m having a wicked day and I loved all the cuddling.

Kenzie has been unbelievably loud. I don’t think he realizes how loud he’s being at all, but almost every time he opens his mouth, he’s shouting. Even if he’s not meaning to. He’s been doing relatively good on the game front, though it’s still something that is almost always being talked about. But we’ve been able to keep him off of it for a couple days at a time. It’s been good and I’m hoping it’ll just keep getting better. I’m not sure what we’re aiming for in terms of “rules and boundaries” surrounding games, but I’m sure we’ll know when we hit it or when we actually need to set a goal.

Other than that, things have been pretty calm and quiet around here (what’s new?), and things are going just as good as they always do 😉 How’s your week been?


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Unhealthy Weekend


This weekend had been rough on The Boyfriend and I. About a week ago, I started having pains in my teeth. Friday was full of pain, the night before, I got less than 2 hours of sleep. Needless to say, I didn’t go to work.

A couple hours passed when I get a call from my Mom letting me know that The Boyfriend had called her from work to take him up to the hospital. Apparently he got a very sudden and incredibly intense migraine, and the people at his work were insistent that he go to the hospital.

For the most part, we had no idea what was going on out what the circumstances behind him landing in the hospital. Finally he calls to let me know that they are sending him down for a spinal tap…

So they were thinking he was having a brain aneurysm, sent him for a CT scan and a spinal tap, and now he keeps getting these headaches constantly. Albeit not nearly as bad as the first and they seem to be more triggered.

I went to the doctor about my teeth. Looks like I’ve got a wisdom tooth coming in and one of my other teeth is falling apart. It hurts really badly. So now I’m on these huge antibiotics, which make me feel nauseated and T3’s, and I’m convinced they are not helping with this pain!

Now I need to make a dentist appointment and just the thought of it makes me feel sick. I haven’t seen a dentist since my Mom used to make all my appointments… I’m so nervous about it. I’m not looking forward to hearing how much it’s going to cost to get this problem fixed either!

So that’s been my weekend in a nutshell. Sickness, pain and a lot of The Boyfriend and I taking turns taking care of each other. No fun at all…

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Sick Kids and Carpet Freshener


This week, I’ve written, deleted, re-written and decided not to publish at least 10 posts. I feel very stunted in my writing lately. I almost feel like I have nothing to say, nothing to report, nothing to write about. Even though, I know that’s 100% a lie.

First of all, 3 out of 4 of the kids have been sick ever since they got back from their Dad’s on Monday night. First was Kaeidyn throwing up in the middle of the night with a high fever the next day. I thought it might of been because of her knee. A few nights before, she had fallen off her bike onto the road and smashed up her knee pretty good. We took her to the hospital, since it looked like she had a rock stuck under her skin. Luckily, it really wasn’t that bad, and it just needed to be cleaned out really good and then have bandages on it. But I was sure she was sick because of her knee.

Upon checking it out, her knee was fine and it’s been healing well. Then I thought that maybe it was something that she at her Dad’s. I wrote Alfie a message on Facebook, telling him we need to start communicating about the kids more effectively. I was glad that I told him, but I feel like it’s just going to be like everything else I’ve ever told him…

So then Keirnan starts throwing up. He’s been fine outside of that, no fever or out of the usual tiredness. Then today, Kenzie starts throwing up and falls asleep way before the other kids – something that almost never happens.

It’s not the first time that they’ve gone to their Dad’s and come home sick. A huge part is gnawing at me and screaming in a pip-squeaky voice that it’s something emotional on their part. Stress, upset, something along those lines. And I have no idea how to go about approaching the subject with them, or Alfie or even myself. I’m at a complete loss about what to do, and at even more of a loss of how to go about finding out if it’s emotional or just a flu or something…

Outside of that, things have been going mostly good in all other departments. I’ve changed up hours at work, so instead of working 12 – 3, I now get to be there 9 – 12. It’s really no different going in at that time, and it’s been good so far. I got an email today asking that we all start dressing a little more professionally and I’m not sure how I’m going to manage that.

I’m having such an issue with my weight and the way my stomach looks lately that it’s been really hard looking for clothes. Last weekend I decided I needed to get a new shirt. After 3 hours at the mall and over 20 shirts tried on, I walked out with nothing and everybody else got a brand new outfit. Everything I tried on felt wrong, felt awkward and I was so worried that none of it would fit after the pants debacle.

The Boyfriend and I have been doing really great lately. It’s been almost surprising to me how things have been going between us, and mostly how affectionate I’ve been towards him. I constantly long to touch him and feel his touch, and just know that he’s there. Even though I only work 3 hours a day, by the time it’s home time, I can’t wait to see him.

What’s surprising is that I’m finding more often that I’m beginning to notice little annoying habits of his. This is normally the point in the relationship where I would start nagging about those habits, or bitch to someone about the habit, or give him the silent treatment or overreact in some way. But I seem to have an infinite amount of patience with him. I don’t seem to get upset or angry or flustered, unless my Mom’s bitching about it, that he forgets to take the garbage out for days on end, or has to start a load in the washer more than once because he forgets about it. It bothers me for the moment that I notice, and then nothing. I tell him to do it, he says he will and that’s the last I say about it and I’m doing really good with it. It feels good.

I’m not saying that I’ve become a completely un-nagging girlfriend, because I’m sure that I still nag. I just don’t feel like I’m such a bitch and when I get up and say to him, “Okay, you have to take the garbage out now!”, he gets up without hesitation and does it, as long as I say it has to be now and not something like “later on tonight”, because that results in the procrastination. And even more surprising is that I don’t blame him for that. I’ve finally come to accept that other people besides me can procrastinate too.

The house is slowly getting cleaner, so that’s a super huge plus. I’ve been trying to really darn hard to do something everyday, even if it’s just something small. Today, we did an awesome job of cleaning the living room and we finally got to the floor underneath of the computer desk. I think it’s because I bought myself carpet freshener. That always seems to get me motivated to clean something!

Then, we got to go to the library again and I managed to outdo my record of 26 items to 33 items. I feel like it’s just going to get worse… But I love that when I’m not in the mood for one particular book, I can just move onto the next move and come back to the first book when I’m in the mood. I’ve been reading like it’s going out of style. Right now, I’ve got 4 books on the go, but technically only 2 of them count because 2 of them are fitness/nutrition books.

We’ve had a lot of rainy days, which only sucks because I’d really like to be trying to hit up the exercise park every once and awhile. I really enjoyed the last time we went, since The Boyfriend and I recently got a badminton set, and I love playing badminton. I’m not one much for playing other sports, but badminton is competitive without ever really feeling like a competition and everyone looks like a dork playing badminton, it’s not like I could out-dorkify someone. And except for the sore abs after my 30 awesome wab board crunches, I felt really good after running around and doing some good old exercise. I’m hoping the weather will get better soon.

Well, that pretty much sums up my week. Nothing really new, nothing’s really changed, and yet it’s all different and feels the same. How’s your last week been? Anyone sick at your house? How’s work going for you? What’s your weather like?