The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Rough Couple of Days…


It’s been a rough couple days around here and you can tell… You can tell the second you walk into my house and it’s dark and gloomy and nothing looks clean at all (even though we’ve been cleaning every single day) and it just looks like a house filled with sadness and stress. Frankly, because that’s exactly what this house is filled with right now. And I’m really really hating it….

The first thing that’s all out of whack is our financial situation and neither The Boyfriend or I can figure out how it’s going as wrong as it is. Back before we moved into this place, the house that is now dubbed “Gilchrist”, we were paying $300 more a month in rent, we were spending our money on a lot more stupid stuff like video games and movies and general electronics, we were paying a lot more where bills and utilities were concerned and somehow we managed to not always be hurting for money. I mean yes, we had our months, but it wasn’t like this where it seems to be constant.

Now, we’re paying $300 less, we’re no longer buying movies because we have Netflix, The Boyfriend hasn’t bought a video game that couldn’t be found in the cheap bin since we moved in here (oh, now that I think about it, one game new), and we have one less utility bill and the bills that we are getting are cheaper than they were in the other house. We have spent the last few weeks trying to see where we’re going wrong and the only thing that keeps coming to mind is the cost of our groceries.

With all the kids getting bigger and having fuller days, we’ve noticed that we’re spending about $100 more per week on groceries. And yes, there are a few things that The Boyfriend and I could cut down on big time, such as smoking and the amount of Sprite that I’m drinking or the number of store-bought coffees we could be getting, so yes, there are changes that can still be made to remedy this financial situation, but we can’t figure out what we’re doing wrong or differently from Gilchrist. And it’s bringing both of us down a lot.

For him, he feels nothing but guilt. He loves his job so much, he really does. I don’t think you’ll ever meet a Wal-Mart employee who has so much pride in his work and who loves working for that company as much as The Boyfriend does. But, he’s not getting paid enough to be able to support this big family of ours, he’s just not, not by himself anyways. And he feels incredibly guilty about that. He feels guilty because he can’t be a better provider while keeping this job that he loves and while I constantly remind him that I’d rather him be happy at a job than make tons of money, he still feels inadequate.

For me, I just keep thinking that I need to get back to work but right now it’s so damn hard. The big thing that’s standing in my way when it comes to returning to the workforce is a daycare. With my Mom working, she can’t really be relied on to watch the kids and even if she could, it could only be for 21 days out of the month because of her partner’s job. Getting them into a daycare facility or into a dayhome program, not only involves tons of waiting on waiting lists, but also costs a whole heck of a lot of money and if you didn’t catch it from all my ranting before, money is so damn tight right now that just thinking about having to throw out all that money is a hugely overwhelming shock to my system that I’m just avoiding thinking about it at all…

There also comes the issue of Keirnan and his half school days. If I were to get a job and couldn’t take the time off at lunch to get him to school, how would he get there? He wouldn’t, and as it is with how often he’s been sick or how often he’s had to stay home because Carter or I was too sick to walk him, the schools already calling about all his missed days… Just the whole thought of me going back to work right now is such a huge stressor and yet, I sincerely don’t think we’ll last too many more months with our crappy financial situation. It’s kind of like, I need a job or we’re completely screwed…

Then, we’re still dealing with all this Child Services stuff. Not technically Child Services anymore but that stuff. So, Child Services came in (as I’ve told you before) and even though the report that was filed against us was proven to be false on the very first day, the lady decided we still needed a little help as parents. After a few more interviews with her and a lot of being told that we simply weren’t doing a good enough job in her eyes, we were referred to a parenting program with another lady. I still don’t know exactly how I feel about it. One day I’ll think it’s a great idea and that The Boyfriend and I could use some help with some of the problems that we’re having with the kids and as parents. I mean, how many times do I vent to you guys all about how annoyed I am by the kids? That’d be nice not to do anymore. But then the next day, I’ll think that I really don’t need that kind of help when it comes to parenting and that I want the chance to figure it out on my own and that I stopped going to all the parenting programs I was a part of for a reason and those reasons still exist today. It’s a confusing time for my brain.

But, we really have no choice. If we don’t go to this program, our Child Services file will stay open and I fear that eventually, they won’t be nice about things anymore and eventually they’ll just take my kids and I absolutely do not want that. So, I concede to their wishes, no matter how much I fight with myself about it, because it’s necessary. So, I had my first appointment last Thursday and this Friday, The Boyfriend and I go for the first real assessment of our family… And I’m just not looking forward to it.

Firstly, because a lot of it will be discussing Alfie… We chose Kaeidyn as the kid we were going to focus on, because her and I just can’t seem to get along very well. We’re always arguing, our attitudes are always colliding and we’re both so stubborn that we don’t get anywhere with each other. At our first meeting, we discussed a little bit about our break-in awhile back and how that was a traumatic experience for her and then, her Dad got brought up. This is always such a sensitive subject for all of us, not just her. I mean, Alfie was a really toxic influence in our lives and easily was a traumatic experience for us all. The boys are all too young to really remember what it was like with him, but not Kaeidyn…

And the worst part is, is even though Alfie is hardly present at all in their lives anymore (save for the holidays and his birthday apparently), he still has such a massive effect on them. For instance, Kaeidyn has an email address and she uses it to send messages to her grandparents, sign up for computer game accounts and mostly, check in with her Dad. For awhile, he was responding to her as fast as he could and things were going really well. Then, he called and said he would start paying child support to us directly now that he had gotten this great paying job. Month one went by without a hitch and then the next month, he asked if he could not pay one week so that he could come and see the kids. I’ve always told him that to me, it’s more important to have him around than it is to have his money. And up until recently, we were doing fine without his money. So, I said yes to not paying that week so he could come see the kids.

That weekend went by and he never came to see them, never called and never sent any money. Kaeidyn had been emailing him non-stop during this time. Asking when he was coming down, asking how his day was going, just constantly with the emails. Not once did he respond. The kids got to see him last weekend, not because he paid money for it and not because he went out of his way to make sure he got to see them, but because his family did. Here he is, bragging about the new phone he got and the new this and that that he got, and still, Kaeidyn’s been emailing him, and there’s been no response. No one knows how to get in touch with him, he hasn’t called here in weeks and Kaeidyn can definitely tell that The Boyfriend and I are having some major freaking problems surrounding Alfie. We’re both beyond pissed at him.

I can’t stop beating myself up for ever choosing such a loser to be the father of 3 out of 4 of my kids, The Boyfriend can’t stop being angry that any dad can just “abandon” (his words, not mine) his kids like this and we’re both just not dealing well with this whole Alfie situation. And guaranteed, it’s going to get brought up over and over again in these parenting program appointments of ours and it’s just a great big stress that I would much rather not deal with. We’re just not having a good couple of days…


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Not Well


I’ve discovered why I don’t listen to podcasts.. I simply cannot multitask. I can’t pay attention to what’s being said and also do other things. See tonight, The Boyfriend brought me home a gift that was supposed to be for my birthday but he couldn’t get it until now. I got a BlackBerry PlayBook!!!

So I’m sitting here listening to a podcast and trying to read a couple books that I downloaded, but I think it’s impossible. Especially being that I’m incredibly interested in this podcast.

I’ve only recently started listening to podcasts… Very recently! It started with The Gloria Brame Show, which I officially love. Dr. Brame is kinda my idol (one of many). But tonight, after years of having it on my to-listen-to list, I finally gave a dedicated listen to Savage Love and I think I’ve found another podcast I need to start listening to on a regular basis.

I was surprised at how into the podcast I was getting but even more than that, I was taken aback by how into The Boyfriend was getting. He doesn’t usually pay much attention to anything I do on any device so it was a nice little change. I spent most of the night subscribing to podcasts that I’ve heard about over the years and plan to spend most of today sifting through those.

In other news, I had gotten an infection in one of my teeth last week, which isn’t altogether uncommon for me. First,  I’m a smoker. My teeth are just bad because of it. Then, my back teeth (can’t remember what they’re called, either the molars or wisdom teeth) are trying to come in but there’s no room for them. So, I spent all last week with an incredibly sore mouth. Then The Boyfriend and I had sex and the pain went away. Imagine my total excitement.

But then, I woke up yesterday and instead of feeling no pain, the infection has just moved to the other side of my mouth. My face is all swollen and I’m sleeping horribly because of all this pain. I need to go see a dentist but right now we just can’t figure out how to make it work financially. Lately though, I’ve been wondering if that’s true, or if I’m just so scared that I’m making excuses.

I’ve always hated the dentist. Doctors, surgeons, never been scared of them, but dentists, deathly afraid. I start packing the second they take the x-rays. And while you can now do the whole sedation thing, I do worry a lot about the cost of all that. Just in general, I’m worried.

Something is also going on with my neck and I’ve had probably 3 days now of this intense and nagging pain. It’s making my head hurt constantly and no amount of tylenol seems to be helping. It’s making me more grumpy than I’ve been in a long time…

I’m just so sick and tired of feeling like I’m falling apart. Every time I start thinking that I’m feeling better or healthier, something turns around and bites me in the ass. I feel like it’s taking its toll on me entirely. I don’t even feel like myself anymore…


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Not Going Good


I don’t feel like I’m in a good way today… Hell, I don’t feel like I’ve been in a good way for weeks now. First of all, I’m re-sick again. I began feeling better, I was finally able to breathe through my nose and I was just dealing with a cough and then I woke up two days ago with my throat absolutely scratching away and my nose all runny again. And it’s happening to everyone.

Kaeidyn was up half the night last night coughing and growling through her stuffed nose, keeping The Boyfriend awake. He’s now into the constant headaches part of this cold and Kenzie woke up this morning hacking his lungs out. Carter has had a non-stop runny/stuffed nose for a good couple of weeks now. But I’m most pissed that I’ve restarted this cold.

I don’t do well with colds. They make all of me hurt. I can’t sleep properly at night, I can’t wake up properly during the day, I can’t function like a normal person when I’m sick. And don’t even get me started on how much I’m not functioning and how much that’s bringing me completely down. I feel myself just wanting to sleep my entire life away and apparently that’s what I’ve been trying to achieve.

But I am downright exhausted… I think the earliest I’ve gone to bed in the last few weeks was around 1 AM. Last night, I was up until way after 3 in the morning, just tossing and turning. Other nights, I stay awake listening to all the sounds in the house. Other nights, I just lay there awake and cannot finally sleep. Finally, I guess, exhaustion consumes me and I eventually fall asleep – hours and hours after everyone has already fallen asleep.

By the time the alarm goes off at 6:30, I’m just starting to actually get into a deep sleep. So I sleep through The Boyfriend’s alarm. He resets it for 7:30 and that’s when the kids are supposed to wake up to get ready for school – though every morning but today, they’re normally up way before that. I’ve been staying in bed when they wake up, half awake, half asleep and make sure they grab everything they need for school. Then after they leave, I tend to fall right back to sleep to catch up on the hours of sleep that I’ve missed. And it’s a terrible habit…

Today, I woke up earlier than usual because the kids were all getting into candy, they were all being loud and rambunctious, and the phone would not stop ringing. The second I sat up in bed, I just felt today being the world’s crappiest day. The Boyfriend called from work and broke more bad news to me and now I can’t stop feeling like I’m on the verge of crying. I don’t want to move and I just want to go back to sleep…

I am just so tired of this life not being kind to me. Every time I think that things are starting to get better for us in anyway, the universe has to bring me back down to reality and remind me that apparently, things are never going to start getting better for us. It’s pissing me off a lot. We were so excited about the big chunk of money we’d be saving in bills and rent when we moved into this place and so far, we’re not seeing that change at all. Somehow, our money is lasting less time. And while a small portion of that can be accounted for in extra food expenditures (since our kids are always hungry), I just don’t know where the rest of it’s going.

There is literally too much that I can whine about. I was doing good keeping the house clean and then this cold hit and now I can’t seem to bring myself to want to do any cleaning whatsoever. Like I said, I just want to sleep… I look around the house and automatically feel exhausted and automatically have to force myself not to just climb back into bed. Things are just not going good for me…


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Yesterday Was a Fluke


Well, after the positive and productive day that I had yesterday, today has been less than that. I woke up this morning feeling dreadfully tired and the kids’ offered to walk themselves to school. I let them do that and they did a great job. No phone calls from the school and I saw Kenzie today when I dropped Keirnan off, having a great time with all his new school friends. But I felt like crap!

Then, it’s freaking freezing cold out. It’s 12 degrees but it feels much colder with all the wicked wind we’re having. It’s making me most grumpy of all. My hands hurt from the cold, my body feels like it’s constantly on shiver mode and it’s making me dread my walk to and from the school. I’m not looking forward to winter this year.

I need to kick The Boyfriend’s ass into gear about a few things around the house here and that’s making me more upset than usual. I just keep thinking back to the beginning of our relationship with his comments about “I’ve got a budget” and “I’ll take care of you“, to what we’re at now and I feel like I’m the force behind The boyfriend’s becoming crappy with their money, their goals, their everything! It took Alfie 4 years, but that guy’s starting to get his life on track now that he doesn’t have me and all my kids really in his life. The Boyfriend, doing all great and wonderful and then the kids and I come into his life and it seems like none of that was ever real.

We were supposed to go weeks ago to change my bank account to a joint account and shut down his account. It’s costing us a lot of money in fees running both accounts, and his are always WAY higher than mine, it’s hard for us to pay bills when I pay all of them online and his money isn’t directly coursing through there. But something always gets in the way of our perfect little plans. He was supposed to call the utilities and put my name on them so that I could talk to them, but he hasn’t. So when Telus called today and I tried telling them that we’ll be paying them off on Friday, they basically said that he’d have to call and tell them that. Which is just that much harder when unless someone is leaning on his shoulder reminding him, he can’t remember that stuff during his work day…

I’m stressing, if you can’t tell. I don’t know why I’m stressing, I just am. Today feels like a day full of pressure and I feel like again, all the weight is directly on my shoulders. Like if I make one tiny mistake the whole world will crash down around me. I don’t know why I do this to myself all the time. It’s like I can’t let myself just be happy or satisfied. I’m determined, apparently, to keep myself in the negatives and the horrible destruction and the bad ju-ju…


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Getting Crazy


I think a stress that we haven’t fully realized is beginning to consume both The Boyfriend and I. It wasn’t apparent to me, until last night when a minor storm rolled over the house and I began seriously freaking out. Not just my normal regular “I’m-scared-of-these-storms” freaking out, but to the point that I, as I was cleaning the window to better be able to see the clouds, began bawling my eyes out. I could not seem to break the pending panic attack, no matter how hard I tried.

The Boyfriend did a wonderful job of staying extra calm and saying as many calming things as he could come up with. Not that anything he was doing was working the way he had hoped it would, but he was patient and relaxed and over the next two hours the storm passed by and everything was clear and I was finally calmed.

But then, The Boyfriend came home from work today, unusually stressed out. He normally comes home flustered from crap at work, but after you let him vent about it for about 45 minutes, he usually is less stressed. Not today. He has been, apparently, stressing pretty hard about money. I think that he thinks that I’m not paying as much attention as I am on the money. I proved him wrong and eased his worries there, thank goodness!

I’ve never, in the 4 years that I’ve been with him, seen him stress about money. Honestly though, I think it’s a whole bunch of different kinds of stress and he’s just focused in on the money right now. But I think it’s this move. I think he feels unprepared and I think he really hates that. Of course, I’m just piecing this together from what I know of him since it will probably take him another week or two to figure out what’s bothering him. Once we get right close to the move date.

He’s also majorly stressed out by work right now. He’s not looking forward to his training while he’s got so many things already on the go at the job. He just started a new initiative with his crew and he’s having to leave for 5 days. That frustrates him a lot. He’s also pretty concerned about leaving me here for 5 days alone with the kids, being that they have been a handful and a half lately.

Yesterday seemed like the longest day of my life and about an hour before The Boyfriend got home from work, I broke down in tears because I was so upset by them. They are all at such unmanageable ages when you stick them all together. I’ve got Carter, who is learning every bad habit his older siblings are teaching him, while at the same time just learning how to really talk. So, what we end up with is a full-of-attitude back talker. I don’t know how many times I’ll give him heck for something and he’ll sternly turn back to me and exclaim a solid, “No!”.

Kaeidyn and I are constantly clashing heads about everything. I woke up the other morning to her arguing with me about whether or not the nail polish she had found was actually hers or mine. Today, I had to give her a huge long lecture about respect and accountability. Try explaining that one to a stubborn 7-year-old… I walked away from that conversation with a headache and feeling like she hadn’t heard a single word that I said. And sometimes I wonder if she ever hears me or if she never will. My Mom had cursed me with my first-born being exactly like I was growing up, and if 7-year-old Kaeidyn is already like 13-year-old me, I am absolutely screwed!

Kenzie has been getting very rough lately, to the point where we’re almost worried about it. He doesn’t seem to notice at all how strong he is and it’s resulting in a lot of hurt people and broken house. From the window breaking, extreme rough housing and payback hitting. If Keirnan does something to him, that in anyway Kenzie doesn’t like, Keirnan will get a hard hit from his bigger brother. It’s mean and unnecessary and we’re just trying to figure out how to manage it. Today seemed to be a bit better, so we’ll just have to see what is going to go down.

Needless to say, we’re frustrated, stressed and exhausted and I don’t even think either of us have come to really realize it yet. I imagine that the 5 days that he’s gone are going to be an extreme test. All I can say is, there better not be any storms for those 5 days…


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Impatiently Waiting for July


I can’t believe it’s still a month until we move. I’m so ready for it now. I’m ready to move immediately, like yesterday! I feel like this house that we’re moving into is going to resent us so much because we’ve put so much pressure on it to be the big starting over point in our lives. It’s unfair to the new place, but we can’t help it.

The kids are most excited about the concept of 4 bedrooms and are constantly arguing over who gets to share a room with who. But The Boyfriend and I just keep thinking about how much things can and will change for us once we’re out of the Glendale house, how much better our lives can be. I, of course, have been having all sorts of mixed emotions and thoughts regarding this move, that it’s often really hard for me to figure out exactly what I’m feeling about it.

I keep getting too excited about it and I feel like I shouldn’t be doing that. I shouldn’t be expecting that this house is going to change anything, because the changes need to come from us, not just the house. And of course, once I start realizing that I’m putting so much pressure on the house, I’m no longer excited about it. Instead, I’m daunted.

We went and looked at the outside of the house last week. We won’t get to see the inside until closer to the middle of July, which kind of sucks, but I figure it’s better that way. We have a fenced backyard coming our way though, and that makes me SO incredibly happy. I won’t be having to search the entire block for the kids. Albeit, I know Kaeidyn for sure will try to escape the yard and I’m sure the rest will follow along with her. But, we’ll worry about that when it comes up.

I’m also mostly excited about the almost $300 we’ll be saving every month in rent. You have no idea how hyped that detail has me. I just keep thinking, “That’s $300 that can instead go to…”, and the list literally drags on for pages! We can start saving money, we can finally get me a guitar, we can look into getting me a laptop again, I can actually spend money on clothes, we can even consider getting cable eventually again. The list goes on forever of all the things we can now have money for, which is a huge relief. To think that we might actually get to do more than struggle to survive is such a huge weight off the shoulders.

Every time I think about these things though, I automatically shut my happy thoughts down and think that I shouldn’t be thinking them. First of all, I hardly know anything about this house. All I do know is that it’s a 4 bedroom and our rent will be less than it is right now. I have no idea what, if any, utilities we’ll have to pay. I don’t know if there’s a washer and dryer, which if there’s not could take up the whole $300 we’re saving in rent. And I won’t know most of that stuff until closer to the middle of July and I just have to patient – and that drives me nutty…

We need to seriously buckle down over the next few weeks and really start going through all our stuff, getting rid of what we’ll never use and packing up the rest. We also need to find out about selling the van and then emptying that. Don’t ask how, but over the years of it sitting out there never being driven, it has managed to accumulate a ton of crap. All of it’s going in the garbage, no matter how much The Boyfriend begs me to keep something (and trust me, he’ll try…). We also need to figure out how we’ll moving all this stuff over there.

The Boyfriend is pretty sure that he’ll be going to Calgary the week of our move. He’s being sent off for leadership training for work, which he really wants to go to. We don’t know exactly when that will be yet, again something we will find out closer to the middle of July. Why does everything have to wait until July?!? And while we don’t have very much in the way of furniture or stuff to take along with us, we will need a pickup truck to make this move work. Which will be fine if Chef’s in town, but if he’s not, it’ll be a little bit trickier.

And once we see the place, we’re going to need to figure out what all we need. I’ve got a mini list going right now that includes things like a garbage can for the bathroom and beds/mattresses for everyone. It’ll probably take us awhile to get everything that we need, but we’re okay with that. Regardless, we still need a list so that it’s not like it was when I moved in here.

So that’s what I’m thinking about today. I’m making plans way before I need to, I’m dreaming about my “new” life and I’m impatiently awaiting the middle of July!


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If I Could Cry…


Today was a beyond crappy day at work. I can’t even truly say that, because it started out really great. We were all joking around and having a great time, I was getting tons of stuff checked off my growing to-do list and I was even voicing ideas that will help everyone out in the long run. Then 2:30 hit…

We’ve had some issues with tenants using their furnace rooms as storage rooms. It makes where we can’t check the furnace for last cleaned dates, which are pretty important. So we needed to figure out what exactly the regulations on furnace rooms were, so a call needed to be made.

Well, I’m looking through the phone book and except for 9-1-1, I couldn’t find anything that even slightly resembled a fire department. So I asked my boss if she could find it and she gave a good look and couldn’t find it either. While I did do some searching on the internet for what the regulations were, we needed to confirm it, from an actual human.

So my boss goes and tells me to ask the main boss lady for her contact number for the fire department. I go and ask her and in a snippy voice, she tells me “You can find that number in the phone book, you don’t need my contact!”. I was automatically angered. I just kept thinking, “Do you seriously think I wouldn’t have tried that option first?!?” So she picks up her phone book and begins looking and can’t find the number either… I told ya so!

She gives me her number for her contact, but I didn’t want to call him just in case it was just his cellphone or something like that. Again, I jumped on Google and found the number. So I call and they pass me off to another person, and that person tells me to call another person. But when I called that person, they were not the person I was supposed to be calling. Instead it was a foreign woman who snapped at me for calling her. I said that to my boss and in a snippy voice she said to me that I probably wrote the number down wrong – as if I’m known for doing that or something… ARGH!

I got it figured out, not with the help of anyone in that office. Instead I emailed the Fire Department (which apparently isn’t called the Fire Department), and within minutes got a call back. Fire guy says to me that it is absolutely not allowed to have anything in the furnace room unless it is directly for the furnace (filters, etc.). I relay this to my boss and I get an argument. “I could’ve sworn it was 3 feet of clearance. Does it even apply when the furnace is under the stairs?”

I just kept thinking, “If you want to know this shit and you don’t trust what I’m saying, then you fucking call!”, but of course, I can’t say that shit. So I shut my mouth and went back to my work, while the boss called her boyfriend to make sure it was all legally sound. It just made me really flipping angry.

Another thing that’s really bugging me is that they all come to me for shit, even though I don’t think I know that job very well and I make that very clear. I covered reception while we tried to hire on a new receptionist after our original one quit, I go above and beyond in the maintenance department to make both tenant and owner as happy as possible, and I feel like I’m doing a whole heck of a lot there. And yet I’m getting paid far less than everyone else, even though I was told I would be getting a raise. Months ago…

I feel like no one respects me there, and I feel like it doesn’t matter how much effort I put into this job, no one will ever respect me there. They are just not that kind of people. And every time I begin to think that I’m earning a little bit of respect, shit like today happens. And I come home and I wonder why I’m wasting all my time working so hard at a job, where they don’t even care if I’m there or not. Where what I do doesn’t seem to matter at all. It just seriously sucks.

Then my Mom is constantly getting on my case about getting her paid. I feel for her, I really do and I would love to get her paid. But it’s not as simple as one phone call and she gets paid. I need to get so much paperwork saying that the kids are actually mine and they actually live with me. Birth certificates, health cards, and tons of other stuff. My Mom seems to think that if I just get the health cars, it’ll all be solved, even though I’ve told her that it won’t, because I still need to get all the other paperwork.

Things like birth certificates need to wait. They just have to. Because I don’t have ANY money to put on that stuff. As it is, I’m almost a month behind on rent (again!), I have no hot water and haven’t for months, we just got the phone disconnected and after that it will be the internet and the electricity. I just simply do not have the money to put on the birth certificates. There is no point in me rushing around to get health cards when I can’t get the other papers right now to be able to get her paid.

On top of that, I was reading through the stuff on the website and without knowing their health card numbers off by heart (which I totally don’t…), I need to have birth certificates for them, which I can’t get. So she left here all in a huff today, which just made the whole day that much worse for me.

It just makes me want to quit my job that much more. I want to quit my job because frankly, my job SUCKS! But I also want to quit it so that I don’t have to worry about how paying my Mom is going to work. She won’t have to try to get a job around my schedule and can instead do it on her own. But at the same time, the chances of me earning the wage that I’m earning now, with my limited experience and horrible work history, is pretty darn low, so it makes me not want to quit my job. It is making me so bitchy stressing out about all these things.

Add in the fact that I’ve got 4 kids that I can barely manage and a house that I can hardly keep (in the sense of housekeeping – keeping it clean and maintained), I am just so burnt out and overwhelmed. If I could cry, I would, but I can’t, so I won’t… That is all!


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This Week I…


Got these things done:

  • Finally put in an application for Carter’s birth certificate so that I can get child tax benefit for him. Don’t ask why it took me so long…
  • Went down 5 pounds and 3 inches and then gained it all back…
  • Tracked my hours of sleep everyday on sparkpeople.com
  • Took in my TD1 form to work so that I can begin working full-time hours and get a raise (even though I seriously don’t think I need one, full-time is good enough for me!)
  • Started another blog… I know, it’s a horrible addiction. I keep creating and deleting and then creating some more… Ugh! This one has been really great so far though. It’s a blog giving you the latest and greatest from the social networking community I run, Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. My post about how my number one rule when it comes to penis size also applies to social media has proven to be rather popular…
  • I’ve figured out the themes for the next year for the Blog Readers Club on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, though suggestions are always welcome!

Need to Get These Things Done:

  • Take in the daycare papers so that Mom can get paid for all the hard work she’s doing babysitting my brats
  • Hopefully Carter’s birth certificate will arrive and then we can get the other papers filled out
  • Exercise at least 10 minutes a day, and preferably something with a little bit of cardio
  • Get the bathroom clean… Seriously why is this one so hard for me? I used to love to clean bathrooms and now my bathroom just sucks…
  • Get some groceries. We’ve been so hurting for money that groceries have been slim picking and again thank you to my Mom for feeding the kids lots while they’re at her house, so that they’re not as hungry when they get home. Just got to make it until Friday…
  • Get a security clearance from the cop shop…
  • Take library books (that I didn’t finish) and a movie (that is overdue) back to the library…
  • Add more quotes/videos/links to Valerie Rayne’s Randomness

Want To:

  • Go to Mom’s and try to record at least one song to throw up on YouTube, it’s been WAY too freaking long
  • Get through all 450 of my unread items in my Google Reader (add another 100 for everyday that I don’t read it…)
  • Drink more water… I know this should be a NEED TO DO, but I’m a stubborn person, so this is more of a want situation – that way if I don’t get it done, I won’t feel bad, sorta…
  • Clean behind and under the furniture, the pieces I can move anyways. It’s about that time again and normally I let things go a little past their due date when it comes to cleaning. I’d like to get underneath of the computer desk, under the chair and behind the couch all cleaned out…
  • Get 10 more visitors to this blog than I did this time last year, so don’t hesitate to share this blog with your friends by sharing the link —> https://valerieraynerants.wordpress.com/

Conversation Starters

  • So what did you accomplish this week?
  • What are you hoping to get done the rest of the week?
  • Is there anything you’re not looking forward to this week?


1 Comment

But…


I am so ready for this month to be over. I know it just started and everything, but I wish it’d just end already. Hell, I’m ready for the next few months to be over because I just don’t want to deal with all of this crap.

So first things first, our hot water gets cut off. No big deal, most of what gets done around the house doesn’t need hot water and for the things that do, there’s always boiling pots of water on the stove. And luckily, for now, my Mom only lives a block and a half away, showers can be taken at her house.

Then, our electricity gets cut off. Again, thank goodness for my Mom (and her boyfriend…), so that we’re not sitting here in the dark without the ability to put movies on for the kids or use our stove – because the 2 1/2 days of that was pure hell!

I’m not exactly sure where and how everything financially speaking is getting so out of control. Yes, if we could quit smoking it would save us a pretty penny, eventually or something. But that’s not exactly 100% doable. When we work it out on paper and create our monthly budget, and that’s over pricing how much we spend on things like take out or how much our grocery bill is, once the money starts rolling in, it just doesn’t work.

So after we got the electricity turned back on, we thought we were going to be okayish, at least for a bit. Then the dreaded rent payment day arrived. I seriously hate this time of month, because I never have all of rent on the 1st. Well, not never. It’s happened before and I’m sure eventually it will happen again. But with the way our paydays work, it’s easier to pay half on the 1st and the other half a week later, and I’m lucky enough to have a landlord that will let that happen.

But lately, he’s been feeling some financial strain himself, so he’s on everyone’s case to start paying on time. So now, for everyday we’re late there’s a $20 late fee. I always hate that kind of stuff, because if I couldn’t afford to pay you all of your rent on time, what makes you think that I can afford to pay you $20 for every additional day that I don’t pay. It doesn’t logically make sense. But that’s the dice that has been rolled and now I have to deal with it.

Which in turn makes me so sure that we’re going to be coming up on an eviction right away… Which wouldn’t be so bad since we’re all wanting to move, but the chances of finding something in our “budget” that will allow a total of 6 people to live there is not going to be easy. Every time I think about it, it just reminds me of the constant gut-wrenching horribleness when I was looking for this place.

I don’t know how many places I called back then, but it was ALOT! It took me weeks of searching (almost an entire month), tons of tears and more than enough hope and disappointment. The second I said that I had 3 kids, 2 at home and 1 in the hospital, people automatically turned me down. I had to look for 3 bedrooms, even though I knew I could never afford a 3 bedroom. I was lucky as hell to find this place, especially when I did, because I definitely didn’t want to bring Keirnan home from the hospital to a hotel room…

So needless to say, things are stressful around here. I was supposed to go pay a portion of the rent today, but we don’t have any of it. So I have to call my landlord tomorrow and tell him that he’ll have to wait for the full amount until the 8th, when we’ll be getting a paycheck and a payday loan to pay off rent. Which just screws us over for rent next month, but it’s necessary right now. And that’s making it all the worse, because I can just see it’s going to be a long hard road financially speaking…

Then there’s all the stuff I have to do this week, and my Mom’s rushing me to get it done now, now, now. Which I understand and totally get, but while I’m feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, adding a few more things to the list is seriously bumming me out. It’s making it so hard for me to force myself out of bed every morning, because my list just keeps getting longer and longer. When I think I’ve fixed one thing, ten more things get added. It’s exhausting, it’s overwhelming and frankly, it’s just plain annoying!

I know I sound like a whiny baby and I’m really just venting, because this is fixable, or at least in some ways I believe it is. To a degree. I’m just not looking forward to it. I’m not looking forward to the stress, I’m not looking forward to the work, I would rather just not do it… Unfortunately, that’s not an option.

So, I threw out a few resumes this week. I really don’t want to leave my job and I’m hoping that I’ll find something that works around this job. But otherwise, I need something full-time, that’s going to earn me a full-time wage. We’re also trying to cut down on other costs, though it’s still in the very beginning stages. But things like turning off the lights when we leave a room, except the bathroom (because I can’t sleep without that light…). Even though we’ve been sucking at it, turning off the TV when both The Boyfriend and I are on our respective computers.

I’m hoping this week, we can try to at least cut down on the smoking. I wish we could just quit it cold turkey, but I honestly panic when I think about it. It’s kind of become my safety blanket. When I’m upset with the kids, I have a smoke with the hopes it will calm me down. When I’m hungry but don’t want to eat, I have a smoke. It’s not even the smoke itself that calms me down, it’s the exhaling of the smoke that calms me down. Watching the smoke come out of my mouth. I’m not ready to quit yet… I know, I know, they’re all just excuses.

I’ve also got a bunch of errands that I have to run tomorrow, which makes it a hectic Monday, which I always hate! First thing in the morning, gotta go over to Mom’s for a shower. Then the bus, then work, then quickly to the library to drop off overdue movies and then to go get the kids birth certificates so that I can get Carter on my child tax benefit. I know, I know, I should have done that a year and a half ago…

So many mistakes, so many consequences. In other news, we’ve gone to the exercise park two days in a row, and if our weather holds out, we’ll do it again tomorrow. Mainly because now with Kaeidyn being out of school, it’s very rough on me mentally to be stuck inside the house with all four of the kids all day long. It never used to be like this, but lately, it’s just been absolutely rough.

None of the kids seem to be listening lately, they are all full of questions that I can’t or don’t want to answer, they are constantly arguing with each other or using their “friends” outside to gang up on one another. They’ve all just been a little out of control. The worst part is, just when we think any of our disciplinary tactics is working, it all just goes out the window in an instant.

For example, we had a really bad day the day before yesterday. So when the kids went to bed, they were told the safety gate was going up and if they took it down they would be grounded all day. Well, when I woke up the next morning, the safety gate was down and they had gotten into the juice crystals, which they’ve decided they like to lick their fingers and then stick them in the juice and suck it off their fingers. Yuck!

Or another example, stay in the yard or you get grounded from going outside to play. So they did fine for a little bit. They played nicely in the front yard. Then the boys came in and Kaeidyn wandered off three or four houses down… Needless to say she got grounded and had a pissy attitude for the rest of the day.

But no matter what kind of punishment we’ve tried so far, it doesn’t seem to get any better. For a few moments and then WHAM! They’re right back to being bad. We think it’s mostly just boredom, hence the visits to the exercise park. Also, it’s a little bit trying to get them tuckered out enough that bed time isn’t a two hour fight.

Today’s visit to the exercise park was interesting to say the least. We knew the weather wasn’t that great, it had started to get a little windy out and the clouds were graying, but we figured we had some time to play around. Within about five minutes of being there, a huge chunk of hail falls. Then another, and then it was beating down really hard. Hurt so bad when it bounced off your ears! So we rushed home to get out of the hail/rain. Once we got inside though, wouldn’t you know the sun came out…

I still wish I could just skip this month all together and that everything falls into place while I’m skipping it. Wishful thinking I suppose. Well that was a much longer rant than I intended. If you’re still reading, I thank you!

March 16


2 Comments

Stressed Out!!!


Today has taken just about every ounce of energy I’ve ever had in my entire life. The energy that I haven’t used up is being used up making sure I don’t crumble. It’s been a rough day to say the least.

Those of you who follow me on Twitter have heard me talking about crazy people a lot lately, as we’ve been dealing with my brother re-entering his psychosis, which they are now deeming as schizophrenia.

It all started a couple years back when my brother found out his girlfriend at the time was pregnant, though there was a lot of rumors that she had cheated on him and the kid wasn’t his. To this day, we still don’t know and she refuses to let him find out. He suddenly ditched out to BC and then moved around a lot from there, all the while experimenting with all sorts of drugs including Ketamine and MDMA.

Then, he came back in to town and he was straight up crazy. Constantly talking to himself and muttering under his breath. Eventually he gets sent out to the mental hospital here and things were looking up. He was taking his medication and everything seemed to be going fine. He got a job, found a place to live, and it looked like his life was on track.

Out of nowhere, about 3 or 4 weeks ago, he gets himself a girlfriend and next thing we know, he’s back to crazy. Worse than before. News hits of the earthquake in Japan, and suddenly he’s convinced that it’s going to happen to us here. Then he starts believing that the people at his work are out to kill him, so he stops going to work. After that, he starts showing up on everybody’s doorstep at odd hours of the day and night and insisting on giving everyone presents. I got broken markers and dice…

My Mom has suffered the blunt of his lunacy. She doesn’t take it very lightly at all and tends to often put all the blame on herself. Her and I are also very close, and very close to my brother. So because she suffered the blunt of it, I suffered the after effects of it. It’s been mentally overwhelming to say the least.

Today, we took him to the hospital under the rouse that we were going to get test results, the entire time Mom and I both secretly working towards getting him admitted to the hospital again. It took 6 1/2 hours, but I am relieved to say that for now, he is admitted to the hospital and is so far saying that he’ll take the medications they give him.

I’m saddened by the fact that we’re just going to have to get used to him being this way. I’m worried that he’ll never be the same brother I once had. I’m angry that our health system is so amazing, but at the same time so crappy. I only say that because when I went through my depression or whichever diagnoses you want to believe, the mental health system was my greatest savior. They really helped me. And I think, in comparison, what I went through mentally wasn’t nearly as bad as what my brother is going through mentally, and it seems to be so difficult to get him the help that he needs. It bugs me that people who don’t want to live, seem to be able to get all the help in the world, but people who do want to live and just have something seriously wrong with their brains, can’t get any help…

Add on top of the stress of my brother, all the other many stresses I’m feeling right now, and I just feel like sleeping through it all. From financial issues to not knowing what’s going to happen to my income now that I’m working, to having a deadline on filing my taxes, and getting a load limiter on my electricity, I am just incredibly stressed. I’m just glad that stress doesn’t affect me the way it used to, during what I think I’m going to start calling my “dark days”.

Then I’ve been massively stressing about Alfie-related things lately, which just bugs the crap out of me. I don’t know why it’s all happening now, this intense and extreme anger I feel towards him. The other night, my brother goes off about needing to get Alfie and The Boyfriend back together as friends, and I just straight out snapped at him. I’ve gotten to the point where just the mere mention of his name makes my blood curdle. I feel like screaming at anyone who respects the guy, and hitting the ones that count him as his friend, and I especially despise how many people ask me how he’s doing, as if I freaking care!

Today I made a very official decision though. For those who have read the better majority of this blog, you might remember awhile back I was complaining about Keirnan constantly coming home with pull-ups on. It was bugging me a lot, because Keirnan has been potty-trained for close to a year now. Every time the kids go to Alfie’s, he puts a pull-up on Keirnan, so Keirnan just does his business in the pull-up. When he gets home, he ends up forgetting that he’s not wearing the pull-up and pees the bed.

It’s been two weeks since they went to Alfie’s last and Keirnan hasn’t had a single nighttime accident.  I’ve decided that if Alfie takes the kids again and Keirnan comes home with a pull-up on, I’ll be putting an end to the weekend visits. He’s potty-trained and if Alfie and his family can’t accept that and respect it, then they don’t need to be spending time with him. That may sound really bitchy, but I’ve successfully (and rather easily) potty-trained all of my kids and every time they put a pull-up on him, he regresses and it seriously bugs me. Keirnan’s got enough regression issues as it is, he doesn’t need potty-training added to that list!!

The Boyfriend is talking about going back to working graveyards. On one hand, I want him to simply for the money. At this point, we could really use that extra bit of money and the full-time hours. On the other hand, I’m freaking out about the idea. I remember what it was like him working graveyards, and I’ve said to him in the past that if he had stayed working graveyards the likelihood is that we would’ve already broken up. It put way too much strain on our relationship, though a big part of that was because Alfie was still here! I’m just worried about the whole idea of it again, so it’s a big ole mental battle.

Works been going really amazing and I’m absolutely loving this job. It’s been a really rewarding experience for me, and being the computer whiz that I am, I’m constantly coming up with ways in which our department can be run better. The best part is, my co-workers really listen to me when I voice my ideas and that makes coming up with those ideas a lot more fun. It’s nice having that 3 hours away from the hustle and bustle of daily life and stressing about my own crap.

I’m really hoping things start looking up really soon though. Right now, I feel like I’m constantly struggling to be my happy, cheery self. And it wouldn’t be so bad if it came on really gradually, but it didn’t. It just suddenly hit and that’s the part that I’m struggling the most with, is that I’ve had no time to prepare for the stress, mentally or physically.

After months of having little to no pain in my knees, suddenly it’s back with a vengeance. Then, I lost a couple pounds and an inch off my waist and hips, and now it’s all back and I have a feeling I’ve gained a couple of pounds. It’s been a rough week, which results in almost no eating during the day and then porking at night. Or results in me being incredibly lazy and hardly ever moving from my chair.

I also don’t think I’ve been sleeping very well. I seem to fall asleep relatively fast, which is completely new to me, but I have a hard time staying asleep. Waking up is being a nightmare lately, and I seem to be having massive issues with it. When I do wake up, I’m incredibly grumpy for at least the first half hour and that just stresses me out more…

So that’s my week in a nutshell! How has your week been going? What’s stressing you out right now?