The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Impatiently Waiting for July


I can’t believe it’s still a month until we move. I’m so ready for it now. I’m ready to move immediately, like yesterday! I feel like this house that we’re moving into is going to resent us so much because we’ve put so much pressure on it to be the big starting over point in our lives. It’s unfair to the new place, but we can’t help it.

The kids are most excited about the concept of 4 bedrooms and are constantly arguing over who gets to share a room with who. But The Boyfriend and I just keep thinking about how much things can and will change for us once we’re out of the Glendale house, how much better our lives can be. I, of course, have been having all sorts of mixed emotions and thoughts regarding this move, that it’s often really hard for me to figure out exactly what I’m feeling about it.

I keep getting too excited about it and I feel like I shouldn’t be doing that. I shouldn’t be expecting that this house is going to change anything, because the changes need to come from us, not just the house. And of course, once I start realizing that I’m putting so much pressure on the house, I’m no longer excited about it. Instead, I’m daunted.

We went and looked at the outside of the house last week. We won’t get to see the inside until closer to the middle of July, which kind of sucks, but I figure it’s better that way. We have a fenced backyard coming our way though, and that makes me SO incredibly happy. I won’t be having to search the entire block for the kids. Albeit, I know Kaeidyn for sure will try to escape the yard and I’m sure the rest will follow along with her. But, we’ll worry about that when it comes up.

I’m also mostly excited about the almost $300 we’ll be saving every month in rent. You have no idea how hyped that detail has me. I just keep thinking, “That’s $300 that can instead go to…”, and the list literally drags on for pages! We can start saving money, we can finally get me a guitar, we can look into getting me a laptop again, I can actually spend money on clothes, we can even consider getting cable eventually again. The list goes on forever of all the things we can now have money for, which is a huge relief. To think that we might actually get to do more than struggle to survive is such a huge weight off the shoulders.

Every time I think about these things though, I automatically shut my happy thoughts down and think that I shouldn’t be thinking them. First of all, I hardly know anything about this house. All I do know is that it’s a 4 bedroom and our rent will be less than it is right now. I have no idea what, if any, utilities we’ll have to pay. I don’t know if there’s a washer and dryer, which if there’s not could take up the whole $300 we’re saving in rent. And I won’t know most of that stuff until closer to the middle of July and I just have to patient – and that drives me nutty…

We need to seriously buckle down over the next few weeks and really start going through all our stuff, getting rid of what we’ll never use and packing up the rest. We also need to find out about selling the van and then emptying that. Don’t ask how, but over the years of it sitting out there never being driven, it has managed to accumulate a ton of crap. All of it’s going in the garbage, no matter how much The Boyfriend begs me to keep something (and trust me, he’ll try…). We also need to figure out how we’ll moving all this stuff over there.

The Boyfriend is pretty sure that he’ll be going to Calgary the week of our move. He’s being sent off for leadership training for work, which he really wants to go to. We don’t know exactly when that will be yet, again something we will find out closer to the middle of July. Why does everything have to wait until July?!? And while we don’t have very much in the way of furniture or stuff to take along with us, we will need a pickup truck to make this move work. Which will be fine if Chef’s in town, but if he’s not, it’ll be a little bit trickier.

And once we see the place, we’re going to need to figure out what all we need. I’ve got a mini list going right now that includes things like a garbage can for the bathroom and beds/mattresses for everyone. It’ll probably take us awhile to get everything that we need, but we’re okay with that. Regardless, we still need a list so that it’s not like it was when I moved in here.

So that’s what I’m thinking about today. I’m making plans way before I need to, I’m dreaming about my “new” life and I’m impatiently awaiting the middle of July!

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This post is intended for adults 18+


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Does This Happen To You?!?


You know what bugs me? Not that it bugs me all the time, just that it’s bugging me right now. Every time that I have out-of-this-world, as I call it mind-boggling sex, I spend the next day or a few days afterwards feeling down and out and a little bit like I’m in a funk. I don’t know if other people experience this, but I definitely do and I definitely don’t like it!

I’m always reading about subdrop and how to avoid it and what to do about it. There are tons of articles on the web and I’m no expert in it, so I won’t bore you with what I hypothetically know about it. But from what I’ve read, it’s as if that’s what I experience after that really good sex. The sex that goes down in your relationship history book.

Normally, I just shrug it off as the after-loving-blues and carry on as if it’s nothing, but today’s blues are being relentless. I feel like I have a hangover, that’s more what it feels like. I’m down and out, I’m sorer than normal and I’m in a right bitchy mood for absolutely no reason. It’s like panic-mode-PMS. And it’s making me even more grumpy than I already am, and the fact that I’m grumpy with no logical reason is just making me sad.

And I wish I could figure out what it is that would take me out of this. I know I don’t want cuddles, and I don’t want massages, and I don’t want to get up and move around. I already walked to the store and that definitely did not help with my mood. I know of all the things that I don’t want but I can’t give you one thing that I do want to do. And I despise that!

Does anyone else experience this the day after having sex? Do you find that your mood is different and that you don’t like it? Or do you like the mood change? Or do you notice absolutely no difference the day after?


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Did I Tell You That We’re Moving?!?


And man oh man, are we ever excited about it. I just got the call yesterday and we will be moving over closer to my Mom and into a 4-bedroom!!! The really nice part is, it’s part of a community housing program, so our rent will be less than it is now. We can finally start paying down our debts and both The Boyfriend and I are more than happy about that.

We’ve been working on getting the house clean and Mom even came over the other day and helped me out, which was more than appreciated. So now, we just have to work on getting it packed. We still have another month and a bit before we actually get the keys, but we know that we’ve got it, so now it’s just a matter of waiting until August 1st.

I can’t believe how excited I am about this, especially with how worried and panicked I was about it before. And I imagine, those negative emotions will probably return closer to the move date, but for right now, I’m just high on excitment. I just keep thinking that this is going to be a wonderful fresh start for us and everyone knows we could use one.

I was most worried about telling Kaeidyn, because when we first mentioned we might be moving, she was very upset about having to leave her school and her friends. But when I told her yesterday, she took it very well and seemed to be excited about going to a new school and making new friends. That was an incredible relief for me.

I like dreaming about my life after this move. It seems to be all that’s on my mind. I feel like this house, the one we’re in now, has squashed so many dreams in the 4 years we’ve lived here, that it’s like looking at the light at the end of the tunnel and it’s just fun to do. Maybe I’ll finally be the Mom that participates in activities at school and goes to help out at the school, kind of like my sister. I always thought I’d end up being that type of Mom, but when it came time for school to start for each of them, either I was working or my life was too out of control to make it work. Maybe I’ll finally start doing some of the DIY crafts that I’ve been wanting to do, or start learning how to paint. Maybe I’ll seriously consider going back to school (oh wait, I already am… so let’s say, go back to school), because I’ll now have a clean and functional living space.

Maybe my life will finally be the way that I’ve always wanted it to be. That’s what I’ve always loved about moving. It gives you a chance to re-write yourself. Now, we’re still going to be living in Red Deer, as we have for the last 8+ years. So it’s not like everything can change and you can’t completely reinvent yourself, but things can be different. And that is very exciting.

This post is intended for adults 18+


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The Natural Progression Of It All


I’ve been talking to a new person on FetLife who has me answering a lot of questions about my interests in BDSM and I realized, just now, that I’ve been totally neglecting my desires in that area. I’ve been completely and one hundred percent ignoring that part of me. I know now that when The Boyfriend spanks me playfully during dinner making or cleaning, that it is nothing but an non-erotic tease, and I have just come to accept that. And it saddens me when I think about it.

I remember so vividly (especially being that I just read through my old blog a couple days ago…), a time when I used to be so much closer to kink. When the idea of not getting it was an all-consuming fear that I worked hard to ensure wouldn’t happen. Where did my passion for kink go? When did I become okay with having nothing but vanilla sex, unless you’re like me and count one time of anal as kinky sex…?

When did I become so damn complacent about my own kinky happiness?

I don’t know when it happened, and I don’t know why it happened, but I think subconsciously, I gave The Boyfriend permission to stop being interested, somewhere along the line. I mean yes, he stopped showing interest all on his own, but I never explored that sudden lack and I never pushed for anything different. The most I’ve done is complained about how I used to get it and how I don’t anymore.

He seems so much less receptive to the entire concept of it than he used to be. Albeit, I was able to sucker him into watching a bdsm-esque porn the other night, he didn’t seem like he cared at all about what was on. The sex afterwards was also surprisingly gentle for the rough sex we had just watched moments before. It’s just odd to me how different it is.

He compensates for the lack of kink with this undying love and affection towards me, which half the time I truly believe he’s faking, even though I’ve never seen one iota of an indication that that’s what it is. He is, in all aspects and facets of what I know of him, completely sincere. Like today…

I’m making dinner, as usual, and for some reason whenever he sticks around with me out there, I feel much more passionate than I normally would. I tend to feel more confident, even though I normally look rather drab. I’m playful when I’m making dinner and enjoy things like play fighting or being cheeky. Don’t ask me why, it’s just a thing. And as we’re playing around out there, he won’t stop saying he loves me. It seemed like every time I laughed, every time I flinched, every time I punched him, an I love you would escape his lips.

Instead of being happy, instead of saying I love you back one hundred times, I kept saying, “What did you do wrong?”, as if you have to do something wrong to be in love with me. Then again, he was getting pretty repetitive. Then, I ask him to tell me something interesting, and he goes, “You’re beautiful”, to which I of course, roll my eyes. Then, “I was going to save this for later, but you are officially the longest I’ve ever been in a relationship” and I was like “Awe!! That’s so cute!”

He hasn’t been mushy like that in a while and I forgot how much I had missed it. I remember that he used to be so cheesy with his one-liners. Cheesy and way kinkier… Where did all of that go for us? Is that just the natural progression of the long-term relationship? And if it is, am I okay with that?

NOTE: This post was originally written over a month ago. Some of these thoughts have now changed.


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I Guess I Needed This…


So, yesterday apparently was a much more intense day than even I thought it was. In total, I started (and never finished) 5 different blog posts, varying in nature. To quote from the first:

“I am getting so sick of these kids and their inability to listen. I don’t know what it is, if they’re hearing me in a foreign language or something, but it’s getting exhausting now.”

This was written right after I had been woken up to the boys spilling ketchup all over the house. Okay, I exaggerate. Not spilling, more like drip-dropping it in a trail leading from the living room down the stairs. And it seemed to go on all day, this kind of behavior. Just not listening and being generally hard to deal with.

A few hours later, after the kids had officially gotten on the very last nerve I had available yesterday, I wrote:

“I’ve begun so many different posts over the last few days. And every single time, I get two or three sentences in and then I just give up. Partially, it’s because I feel like I’m sounding so differently bitchy and I hate that. Partially, it’s because I’m writing about the kids and I seriously don’t know how to write about it, without coming off sounding like a shitty mom. And frankly, I am so sick and tired of sounding like a shitty mom. Because I know I’m not. I’m not the worst mom out there and I’m not even the worst mom on my own street, but some days, you wake up and you just feel that way.”

By the time The Boyfriend got home yesterday, all I could think about was needing a break from the kids. I had to go pay rent yesterday, so I got to get out of the house for a little bit with my Mom and honestly, I was so thankful for that hour or so we spent out. I am just not doing very well with this stay-at-home thing this time. I remember a day when I used to enjoy it. Albeit, the kids were much younger then and I had less of them. But yesterday was also an exceptionally rough day with them.

At some point, I snapped at them and began, “Why can’t you guys just listen to me, just once? Why can’t we have one day where I don’t have to get mad at anyone? Why?!?”

I was absolutely surprised and taken aback, when one of them quickly responded, “Because we miss our Daddy!” I have a hard time with this statement all the time. Because I have so many mixed emotions that explode all at once. In the amount of time it takes them to blurt out this statement, I run the gamut of feelings, from anger and bitterness to sadness and something akin to regret. Regret, of course, isn’t exactly the right word, because I don’t believe in it, but something like it. So I never respond the way that I often imagine that I would, because you think about these things.

You think about how you’re going to explain your break-up to your kids, especially when they’re old enough to remember how badly it ended. And you think about how much you don’t want to say bad things about their other parent, even though you are still hurt and affected by it. So you spend time, roleplaying in your mind what conversations like these will look like with your kids. For me, it’s always Kaeidyn that I’m most worried about having these talks with. Not only does she have a superb memory, she also tends to get the most upset about the whole thing. The boys were really too young to get that Mommy and Daddy were breaking up, but Kaeidyn remembers it. And remembers the 4 1/2 horrible months after the break-up and most of all, has mixed feelings about the whole thing herself. So I spend a lot of time thinking about the talks with her and what I’m going to say.

But when they come up, all those scripts that I made up, fly right out the window. I forget what I was going to say to them, I forget that they have their own emotions regarding it, and it’s the one things the kids can say that can shut me up in an instant. And I hate it! It makes me sad that my kids have to go through it, and it makes me mad that I have to. And none of this would’ve happened if we didn’t start answering the phone when he called. But we did, so then he started calling every week. And every week, he tells the kids, “Next weekend, I’ll be down to visit”. And every week, guess who doesn’t come visit.

And I understand, I really do. I understand that he has a life, he doesn’t have a lot of money, he doesn’t have a lot of support, he needs to work. I get that. But at the same time, the rest of us have lives and the rest of us don’t have a lot of money and the rest of us need to work, and yet here we are EVERY SINGLE DAY, in the dirt with this stuff. We don’t just get to pick and choose when we’re going to be parents and it pisses me off that he gets to! And, moreso, that he gets to at the cost of my kids’ emotions. And after 4 years, at the cost of my own emotions. I hate that we broke up but I’m still stuck having to think about him. Not because I want to, but because I have to!

So, while the conversation with the kids didn’t go the way I wanted it to and I’m sure the very first sentence came out WAY meaner than was necessary, we did talk about it and I think today, they’re all doing a little bit better with it. Kaeidyn was most upset about him lying to her and she kept, “Why can’t he just tell us the truth?!” and all I could say to her is that I think that’s something she’ll have to ask her Dad. And honestly, I’m scared of that conversation between the two of them. I’m scared that he’ll keep lying to her, like he did with everybody else, and I’m going to have a brokenhearted 7-year-old on my hands, and I’m not going to know how to deal with it.

Well, that is definitely not what I started this blog post intending to write… But, I guess that’s what I needed to write about, so there it is.