The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Lots To Do…


Keep

 

So I’ve been a little addicted to the new Google Keep and have a whole bunch of to-do lists going on right now of all the stuff that I’ve got to get done. I’ve gotta call about my Mom’s surgery on Monday, after she’s been taken in, just to check that everything’s alright. I’ve got to work on The Blog Everyday Challenge, which I’ve hugely neglected and haven’t even looked at in over a month.

I’ve got a lot of blogging-related things that I’ve got to get done. I mean, 9 different notes that are all blogging related. It seems like a lot of work, especially when you consider that each of these to-do lists have at least 5 things on them that I need to accomplish… It feels very daunting and at first, I was inspired by all these to-do lists and now I’m just feeling a little boggled down. I also think it’s incredibly interesting that I use Keep rather religiously for just about everything, but never once used Google Tasks or any of the other task managers that I’ve downloaded…

I’ve spent the last two days in a very quiet state, my mind whirring with thoughts about just about everything. I’m still stuck on The Boyfriend’s unwillingness to compromise, so that’s been on my mind non-stop. I haven’t had even one second to have a discussion with him since there’s been no days off and when he gets home from work, all he wants to do is get on the games with his work buddies. Not only is he playing with some of them on the Xbox, now he’s also playing with them on Star Trek: Online. I guess it’s okay though, because I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I plan to say, which I’m at an absolute loss for words. I don’t even know how to broach the subject or what to say once I broach it. I can’t make him enjoy something that he doesn’t and I’m not the type to give ultimatums, so it’s a little hard to find the words.

I worked a little bit on some of my #NerdyJourney stuff, new photos have been added to my Random Minecraft photo album on Facebook and I’ve even started a new survival mode one that I’m actually enjoying playing. Today, The Boyfriend is planning to bring me home The Sims 3. I seriously love this game so much, but I haven’t gotten to play it much. We’ve bought it (this will be) 5 times now and every single time, the kids end up scratching the crap out of the disc before I can even really start playing it. This time, it’s not going down. We said that last time too, but the kids ended up discovering our hiding spot…

The kids have a week off school, which I’ve been arguing with myself whether I enjoy the concept or not. On Thursday, their last day of school, I felt incredibly excited about this week off and just as the weather was warming up, it couldn’t have hit at a better time. But yesterday, it was a relatively rough day with them, lots of fighting between the boys and tons of whining about video games, I decided I was no longer looking forward to this week off. The feeling keeps coming and going in waves today, based on how their behaving. Right now, they’re all laying quietly watching Spongebob together and so it’s a moment of excitement about this calm and quiet week off. I’m sure once this over, they’ll all start acting up, asking questions, whining about not getting their way, whatever it may be, and it will be another moment of hating this week off…

Other than that, it’s been pretty boring around here and not much has really happened. No plans for Easter either. How’s your Easter weekend going?

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This post is intended for adults 18+


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Quarter-Life Crisis, Part 2


In the previous post, I finished off with:

“Don’t get me wrong in anyway. I love The Boyfriend in a more deep and profound way than I think I’ve ever loved anyone. I have never experienced such a wonderful and amazing relationship that I believe is strong and stable in every single way possible. I never look at him and think “Oh my god, I wish this relationship would just end already” and I have not thought once about breaking anything off with him. On the contrary. I’ve been thinking heavily about spending the rest of my life with this man and how for the first time in my life, I seriously cannot wait to be married. I cannot wait to have him propose to me, I cannot wait to wake up to his face every single morning for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to grow old together. I really do love him so much.”

With all of what I said in the last post, I just find that every single time that I do anything to show my love for The Boyfriend, I’m often stopped dead in my tracks thinking and analyzing and it sends me into a spiral of general blahness. What am I thinking and analyzing about? Well mostly, I’m thinking about how I have completely neglected and even turned off my desires almost, because he’s not interested. And while I basically just ignored that for a really long time, the desire has come back and it’s come back with a vengeance  The worst part is, I didn’t even ignore it, I sincerely believed that I could control my desires and I sincerely believed that I could suppress them until he was ready to be interested again.

Then, I realized that it’s been well over two years since I last had a spanking, and the kinkiest thing we’ve done in that two years is have anal sex or maybe the fisting (although it didn’t feel kinky while we were doing it…). I was shocked and appalled.  Two freaking years! You’ve gotta be kidding me?!? And for two years, I have not been my (as Dr. Gloria Brame would put it) “Authentic Sexual Self“. I haven’t even been close to it. I’ve forced myself to enjoy over and over again the same ole vanilla sex and I’ve convinced myself that any vanilla sex is better than no kinky sex. And none of these thoughts are as bad as the one that stops me dead in my tracks every single time:

Why can’t he just compromise?

Okay, so you’re not comfortable with 24/7 total power exchange, and you’re not comfortable with the rewards and punishments. Fine. But is it so hard to just every once and awhile, agree to spank me? Is it so hard even to just every once and awhile be a little bit rougher with my breasts? And maybe I’m the only one who does it. I mean, I don’t really like anal sex all that much and yet I still do it because I know he really enjoys it and desires it. And strictly because of how much he enjoys it, I end up walking away from anal sex most of the time with an orgasm. It’s a win-win situation. Do I do it because I want to be having anal sex? No! I do it because he wants to be having anal sex and I don’t mind doing it for him. Again, I even get pleasure from it!

And it would be entirely different, my thinking would be so much different on this, if I had never had a spanking from him or had never been taped and restrained by him. I wouldn’t be thinking any of these thoughts if he didn’t used to pound the shit out of me and wrap his hands around my throat! I would be more understanding about his lack of interest. And for the most part, I have been really understanding. How do you think we got to the point where I let my desires go by the wayside for two fucking years?!? And frankly, I feel like being done with understanding!

I’ve been waiting until his next days off to really have a conversation about this with him, because I want to figure something out. I want to figure out what we’re going to do about getting me closer to being my “Authentic Sexual Self”, somewhere closer to where I was when I was pregnant with Carter (and something that doesn’t involve me getting pregnant again… thank you very much! haha). I just don’t like where I’m at right now and I’m sick of this stupid emotional roller coaster ride that I’m on over SEX!


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Quarter-Life Crisis, Part 1


I kind of feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster ride right now. Maybe it’s post-period-hormones or maybe it’s all the thoughts that I’ve been thinking the last couple of day or maybe it’s the fact that the sun keeps giving me headaches so I’ve been living in the dark as much as possible (by keeping my curtains closed) or maybe it’s none of those things and it’s something else entirely that I just haven’t acknowledged yet or it could even be all of the above…

One second, I feel almost elated. I feel joy and peace and happiness and like the world around me is light and relaxed and calm. And usually, the things that are going on in these moments evoke those types of feelings. I’ve spent a lot of times being close with the kids these last few days. Their behaviors have all been relatively top notch, Kaeidyn and I haven’t really argued in days, the most I’ve had to put up with is noisiness and the occasional tantrum from Kenzie. Carter I guess has been worse than usual, but it seems so minor compared to what I normaly have to deal with… I’ve also spent a lot of time on the computer actually getting things done, even though it may not seem like it, and that feels really good too. I always feel better after a good computer session.

Other areas that I’ve been doing really good in include the cleaning (at least on the main level of the house), which hasn’t gotten too out of control over the last week or so and for that reason, it’s been incredibly easy to keep up on. And I’ll let it go for a day or so before I’ll do another good clean and the biggest mess we’ve had is paper. I’ve been doing the dishes on a regular basis and insisting that the garbage get changed frequently. All in all, the cleaning has been good. Waking up has been going relatively well too. While I’m still sleeping in later than I would like to, at least now I’m waking up consistently at the same time every day.

We also got a huge boost in parenting confidence the other day, when we had our program worker come to the house to do an observation of us as a family. She wanted to see us do an activity together as a family, so we made some paper airplanes. All the kids have been getting more and more into paper airplanes now that they’ve discovered they can make them all by themselves, which is why there has been so much paper all around. So we chose to make paper airplanes so the kids could show off their skills, plus, the only other real activity we do as a family is play video games or go for walks…

She was really impressed with The Boyfriend and the way he would help the kids figure out how to copy his “jets”. Of course he is really good at giving instructions because he is a manager after all, but he is especially cute when he’s doing it with kids. He has so much patience for them. She was also impressed that the kids and I have a way of talking without ever using words, like when Kaeidyn and I were talking and Keirnan interrupted, I put my finger up for him to wait a minute and he actually waited. I never really noticed that we did this but now that I think about it, it happens for a whole bunch of things. Mostly things that mean that they are supposed to stop something. We also do things like I love you, rock on and Live Long and Prosper to each other, because we’re all nerds like that.

So all in all, there’s been lots of reasons to be up pretty high on the roller coaster. But over the last two days, the first two after my period, I’ve been having massive swings into sudden and overwhelming blahness. It’s not even sad, it’s just a general state of blah. Like I don’t know how I feel in these moments, because it’s kind of like not feeling at all. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel angry, I just don’t really feel anything. In these moments, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be there, I just don’t… And while these moments almost never last very long, they’ve been on my mind. I keep trying to analyze them or something, trying to figure out what they mean or what’s causing them, but often times that analyzing is what’s sending me into them.

And a lot of times, it’s happening over small stuff with The Boyfriend, that sends me into the spiral. Nothing really all that crazy either. For example, he comes home from work last night and he’s incredibly sore. He thinks he’s having a quarter-life crisis, like a mid-life crisis but in his 20’s. He’s not feeling as sprite as he used to and it’s affecting him and we both believe that it’s more mental than it is actually physical. His brain is saying “Okay, you’re 26 now, that’s when we said that you were an old man” and he’s being reminded of his family saying things like “You’ll feel that when you’re older”, which apparently 26 is older, so because his brain is saying all these things, his body is feeling his age.

So, for the first time in our relationship, through broken wrists and spinal taps, for the first time, I’m hearing him whine. Now I’m a whiner, so I have no right to say anything about him whining and I’m absolutely not complaining. I think it’s cute that he’s whining. But here I am, never hearing him whine before, and I’m clueless as to how to support him through this big mental/physical struggle he’s going through. I know how I would want to be supported through it, but I’ve also never been a very strong (physically speaking) type of person but he has and I’m sure his pride is suffering somewhere in there. I’m still not exactly sure how to support him through it but I figure I’ll just wing it and see what works.

However, every time I do support him, it seems to send me into a spiral of thinking and analyzing. And I guess to a degree, this all has to do with really realizing that I’ve been rejecting a huge part of me because of our relationship, so really it’s clouding all my thinking about our relationship.

Don’t get me wrong in anyway. I love The Boyfriend in a more deep and profound way than I think I’ve ever loved anyone. I have never experienced such a wonderful and amazing relationship that I believe is strong and stable in every single way possible. I never look at him and think “Oh my god, I wish this relationship would just end already” and I have not thought once about breaking anything off with him. On the contrary. I’ve been thinking heavily about spending the rest of my life with this man and how for the first time in my life, I seriously cannot wait to be married. I cannot wait to have him propose to me, I cannot wait to wake up to his face every single morning for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to grow old together. I really do love him so much.

This next bit may get sexual, so click through to read it if you’re interested…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Getting Down to Details


Mine and Jess’ conversation on my last post has been on my mind non-stop for the last 2 days now. I just keep thinking about all the questions she’s asked, all the things that could potentially happen with this idea and I have not been able to stop the constant stream of thoughts. She wants me to get down to details about what it is that I really want out of a kinky lifestyle, what does that even look like for me. And while I can come up with a few things, I feel like I’m just continually blanking. As I’ve said before, over the last few months, even more like a year, I’ve become really uncaring about kink. It’s really sad and hard for me to deal with a lot of times, but when I wasn’t being complacent about it, I was always upset about it and it was beginning to affect the little bit of vanilla sex that I do get. And I’m sure I’ve said this before too, that I’d rather be getting some vanilla sex and no kinky sex than getting no vanilla sex and no kinky sex. So really, this conversation is really shoving in my face how uncaring I have become and that’s being the thing that I’m having the hardest time with. How could I have let myself go like that?!?

Am I getting lost within the confines of my relationship? Am I losing sight of what it is that I have so desperately wanted for so many years? Can I even still call myself kinky when I’ve become the way that I am with it? And what the hell am I going to do about it? I feel like I’m breaking up with a boyfriend that I’ve had for so many years and this is all so sudden… I guess really it’s not, it’s just the first time that I’m really acknowledging it all.

But I figured, Jess had some really great questions about my kinky interests and I’ve never really put all of them together. My interests are kind of scattered over a bunch of posts all over the place and most of them only encompass the things that I know and have experienced and not the things that I want to know and want to experience. So, we’re going to attempt to narrow some things down – wish me luck.

Let’s start with what Jess posted:

“Can I recommend as a follow up post to this that you post exactly what you’re looking for. From this post I get your interested in having others control what you wear. What other aspects of your life are you looking for others so control? Do you have any limits? This way if your asked to do something we know ahead of time what you will/will not do.”

First of all, I notice that I do tend to use the “control what I wear” thing a lot as an example of something kinky. It’s popped up in almost every single post I’ve ever made about my interests in kink, I’m sure of it. That is one little area, that is a lot harder to do than you would think. My wardrobe, as it currently stands, is pretty boring and rather unsexy. Lots of comfy yoga type pants and baggy t-shirts. I rarely ever wear underwear (except for when it’s period time) and I haven’t worn a bra for anything but nights out in mega years. I don’t own a single piece of lingerie and I have one pair of high heels, one pair of winter boots and one pair of runners (which need to be replaced this summer). I dress like a mom… I’m also incredibly un-girly when it comes to how I look on a day-to-day basis. I don’t wear make up, the only things I know how to do with my hair are put them in braids or a ponytail, I never wear perfume and when it comes to products to use, I own so little that most people would probably be shocked. I know men with more product than I have…

But, that’s not really how I want it to be. I want to be the type of person who dresses in a way that would be pleasing to someone else’s eye. I want to be the type of person that wakes up in the morning, an hour early, to perfect my make up and hair. I want to be the type of girl who wears high heels for more than just fulfilling my partner’s fantasy during sex or owns a skirt for something other than just sleeping in. I want to wear a bra for some other reason than to just sit around the house in. That’s probably why I always turn to this particular kink as an example…

Another thing that I’d like to point out is that I haven’t always wanted to be submissive and I haven’t always identified as a S/switch, which is what I currently identify as. Prior to getting with The Boyfriend, it was never really a thought to do anything but dominate. I wanted to be the dominant in a relationship and have my own submissive. But as the 4th baby rolled around and The Boyfriend was naturally more of a leader than I was, it just kind of happened. One day, I was completely interested in nothing but domination and slowly, I found myself being much more interested in being his submissive, submitting to him. As the years have gone on and he’s lost all interest, I’m sticking with the submissive end of things because it’s now where I find comfort – although being that I’ve never really experienced either of them, I can’t really say either way which one I’d chose for sure…

Okay, so let’s get back to Jess’ comment. “What other aspects of your life are you looking for others to control?“, to which I can only only think, “All of them!“. The clothes I wear, the times I sleep, the way I conduct my day, the days I have to shave, the times I’m allowed to be on the computer or watching TV, the foods I’m allowed to eat, the things that I’m allowed to say in certain situations, the eye contact I’m allowed to make, the sex I’m allowed to have, really the possibilities are endless.

When it comes to kink, I have a whole wide variety of interests. I want behavior modification with punishments and rewards, I want impact play and sensation play, I want to be constantly put in my submissive place, always being reminded that I am owned, I am somebody’s and that that is the most important job (next to being a mom) that I have. Pleasing someone. Being what they need or want me to be. Or at least, that’s what I currently view submission for me as…

My only known limits are that I won’t do anything that involves poop, pee and puke (The Three P’s). It’s just not something that interests me at this time in my life. Outside of that, I’m really unsure of what limits I would have, because I have a curious interest in almost everything else. For example, my current list of “Into” and “Curious About” fetishes on my FetLife profile is pretty massive and I haven’t even updated it in awhile – then again, what’s on there is a really good start.

So for now, I’ll just leave you with this list and over time, you’ll notice these items turning into links as I do more in-depth posts about my interests. I’ve also put little stars besides the things on my “Curious About” list that are really high up there on my list of what I want to experience (*), and yes this list doesn’t currently exist… You can also expect to see multiple posts of the same title (with parts 1, 2, 3, etc.) further exploring any other comments that come my way regarding my interests in kink. I imagine this will be an interesting little journey we’ll be taking.

Into:

  • anal beads (giving)
  • ass play (everything to do with it)
  • ass worship (everything to do with it)
  • bare bottom spanking(receiving)
  • bare handed spanking (receiving)
  • biting (everything to do with it)
  • blood (everything to do with it)
  • blow jobs(giving)
  • bondage tape (receiving)
  • breasts (everything to do with it)
  • bruises(receiving)
  • choking (receiving)
  • cocksucking (giving)
  • crops (everything to do with it)
  • cum (everything to do with it)
  • cunnilingus (everything to do with it)
  • cutting(everything to do with it)
  • deep throating (giving)
  • dildos (receiving)
  • erotic literature (everything to do with it)
  • flogging (everything to do with it)
  • foot massage (receiving)
  • foot/feet (everything to do with it)
  • gagging/choked by cock (receiving)
  • hair pulling (receiving)
  • hairbrush spanking (receiving)
  • handcuffs (wearing)
  • handjobs (giving)
  • ice cubes (receiving)
  • impact play(receiving)
  • kissing (everything to do with it)
  • leaving marks (receiving)
  • light bondage (receiving)
  • lingerie (wearing)
  • massages (receiving)
  • masturbation(everything to do with it)
  • monogamy (everything to do with it)
  • music (everything to do with it)
  • mutual masturbation (everything to do with it)
  • nipples (everything to do with it)
  • nudity (everything to do with it)
  • oral sex (everything to do with it)
  • outdoor sex (everything to do with it)
  • scratching (giving)
  • spanking (everything to do with it)
  • swallowing (giving)
  • switching (everything to do with it)
  • talking dirty(everything to do with it)
  • vibrators (everything to do with it)
  • writing erotica(everything to do with it)

And that’s just the things that I’ve had experience with. My list of curiosities is even longer…

Curious about: 

  • corsets (everything to do with it) *
  • 1950s household (everything to do with it)
  • 24/7 (everything to do with it) *
  • abrasion play (everything to do with it) *
  • armbinders (everything to do with it)
  • artistic cutting (everything to do with it) *
  • asphyxiaphilia (everything to do with it)
  • ball gags (wearing) *
  • ballet boots/shoes(wearing)
  • bastinado (everything to do with it)
  • bathroom use control (everything to do with it) *
  • bdsm (everything to do with it)
  • begging (everything to do with it) *
  • behavior modification (everything to do with it) *
  • bellydancing (everything to do with it)
  • belt spanking (everything to do with it)
  • belt whippings (everything to do with it)
  • ben wa balls (wearing) *
  • bisexuality (everything to do with it) *
  • blindfolds(watching others wear)
  • bloodplay (everything to do with it)
  • body modification(everything to do with it)
  • body paint (wearing)
  • body worship (everything to do with it)
  • bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • bondage equipment (everything to do with it)
  • breast bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • breast spanking (everything to do with it) *
  • breast whipping (everything to do with it)
  • breast/nipple torture(everything to do with it)
  • breath play (everything to do with it) *
  • burlesque(everything to do with it)
  • caging/confinement (everything to do with it)
  • candle wax (everything to do with it)
  • caning (everything to do with it) *
  • cbt (giving)
  • chakra energy play (everything to do with it)
  • chastity (everything to do with it) *
  • chastity devices (giving)
  • clamps and clips (everything to do with it) *
  • clothespins(everything to do with it)
  • cock and ball torture (everything to do with it)
  • cock milking (everything to do with it)
  • cock worship (everything to do with it)
  • collar and lead/leash (everything to do with it)
  • collars (everything to do with it) *
  • consensual nonconsent (everything to do with it) *
  • control (everything to do with it) *
  • cornertime (receiving) *
  • corset piercing (everything to do with it)
  • corset training(everything to do with it) *
  • corsetry (everything to do with it)
  • corsets (wearing)
  • costumes/dressing-up (wearing)
  • crawling (everything to do with it)
  • cross dressing (watching others wear)
  • cuckold (everything to do with it)
  • cunt worship(everything to do with it)
  • d/s (everything to do with it)
  • daddy/girl (everything to do with it)
  • decorative cutting (receiving)
  • discipline (everything to do with it) *
  • domestic servitude (everything to do with it) *
  • domination (everything to do with it)
  • double penetration (receiving)
  • e-stim (receiving) *
  • edge play (everything to do with it) *
  • electrotorture (everything to do with it)
  • erotic photography (everything to do with it) *
  • exhibitionism (everything to do with it) *
  • eye contact restrictions(everything to do with it) *
  • female ejaculation (everything to do with it) *
  • fetish wear (wearing)
  • fishnets (wearing)
  • foot worship (receiving)
  • geisha (everything to do with it)
  • glass dildos (receiving)
  • gor(everything to do with it)
  • gorean slave positions (everything to do with it) *
  • grooming (everything to do with it) *
  • high heels (wearing)
  • high protocol(everything to do with it)
  • humiliation (giving) *
  • kneeling (everything to do with it) *
  • knife play (everything to do with it) *
  • latex (wearing)
  • leather (wearing)
  • lesbian domination (giving)
  • maid uniforms (wearing)
  • making home movies (everything to do with it) *
  • masochism (everything to do with it)
  • master/slave (everything to do with it)
  • mental bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • mistress/slave (everything to do with it)
  • multiple orgasms (everything to do with it) *
  • needle play (everything to do with it) *
  • obedience training (everything to do with it) *
  • online play (everything to do with it)
  • orgasm control (everything to do with it) *
  • orgasm denial (everything to do with it) *
  • otk spanking (receiving)
  • outdoor bondage (everything to do with it)
  • paddling (everything to do with it)
  • pain (everything to do with it)
  • pantyhose/stockings (wearing)
  • percussion play (everything to do with it) *
  • piercings (everything to do with it)
  • pinching (everything to do with it)
  • play piercing (everything to do with it) *
  • porn (everything to do with it)
  • power exchange(everything to do with it)
  • pro domme (giving)
  • public play (everything to do with it)
  • pussy worship (everything to do with it)
  • restraints (everything to do with it) *
  • riding crops (receiving) *
  • rituals (everything to do with it) *
  • role play (everything to do with it)
  • rope bondage/suspension (everything to do with it)
  • rubber (wearing)
  • sadism(everything to do with it)
  • sadomasochism (everything to do with it)
  • scarification(receiving)
  • sensation play (everything to do with it) *
  • sensory deprivation(everything to do with it)
  • sensual/slave dances (giving)
  • service-oriented submission (everything to do with it)
  • shibari (everything to do with it)
  • slavery(everything to do with it)
  • smoking (everything to do with it)
  • speech restriction(everything to do with it) *
  • spreader bars (everything to do with it)
  • stockings(wearing)
  • strap-ons (wearing)
  • submission (everything to do with it)
  • subspace(everything to do with it) *
  • tantra (everything to do with it)
  • tattoos (receiving)
  • total power exchange (everything to do with it)
  • toy making (everything to do with it)
  • toys (everything to do with it)
  • uniforms (everything to do with it)
  • voyeurism(everything to do with it)
  • wartenberg pinwheels (everything to do with it)
  • water bondage (receiving)
  • webcams (everything to do with it)
  • whipping(everything to do with it) *
  • whips (everything to do with it)
This post is intended for adults 18+


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The Dominant Web


Okay, so I don’t know how many of you read my last post “Topping from the Bottom – Is This Self-Kink?“, which wasn’t so much what the post was about, as it was the questions that I was pondering regarding the content of the post. If you haven’t read it yet, you might want to.

This post is kind of a follow-up to that post. In the previous post I proposed that you, the wide and vast internet, could be my stranger Dommes and Doms. And since I know a lot of people probably won’t comment right off the bat on a proposition such as this, I thought maybe a poll would be more comfortable and inviting and less interrogating?!? It was recently brought to my attention (thank you again Jess) that if I was at all serious about this, I would have to get down to details and I’m just wondering if I should get down to details or if I should just walk away… What do you think?

Don’t hesitate to leave your comments on either post.

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Topping from the Bottom – Is This Self-Kink?


Tonight, as I lounged in a hot bath chowing down on cucumber (which I’ve been craving lately, that and other fruits and veggies, something that never happens for me…) and reading some Sherlock Holmes, I started thinking about all these things I want to do with my life and all the things that I want to get done and have. And in the past, I’ve frequently said that it would be easier if The Boyfriend would just set rules for me that would result in punishments and rewards and blah blah blah…

As I said, just a few days ago, I’ve become really complacent about his interest in the whole thing. Tonight though, I started thinking about how I could just do it all for myself. I could make the rules and punish myself if I don’t do them, and reward myself if I do. A lot of my kinks can be done mostly alone and the ones that can’t, well it really doesn’t make a difference at this point in my life – either way, I’ll be getting more than I’ll be losing!

I laid for a little longer, my face turning red from the heat of the water, and began thinking “Hey dumbass, you just recently put a program on the computer that will even help you do this whole thing. You could pick how you want to look each day of the week and change the permissions, you could randomize the punishments so that you never know what you’re going to get and most importantly, you can keep track of it all” and immediately, I went about thinking up all the permissions and rules and punishments I could give myself and still keep it kinky and sexual, so that in a way, I was being my very own Dominant.

And then it occurred to me, and I bolted up out of the water and pondered, “I… My own Dominant….”!

To this very moment, I cannot tell you how I feel about this. I mean, isn’t that basically just life. It makes me feel like a total genius and a total moron all at the same time. The total moron aspect is that that is exactly what we all are. We are all the dominants of ourselves. We control our actions, we make rules based off of literally everything for ourselves and we reward and punish ourselves in whichever way we deem necessary. We are our own dominants… And it’s just ridiculous that I can’t think of life that way and not because I don’t want to, but because I just don’t.

I also feel like doing this is the absolute form of topping from the bottom, something that I personally wouldn’t like to do. I mean, you are literally being the dominant to your own self as a submissive. It feels like topping from the bottom… Wouldn’t it? And at what point do I become okay enough for myself to do that so that I can get some kinky pleasure? Ugh, it’s just a ton of questions.

So then, I get out of the bath and begin to prep my nails for painting (pics to come) and then, an entirely new thought springs to me and seriously people, tell me if it totally sucks, okay?

You, people of the internet, could be my very own Dominant(s). I was thinking that it would be so fun for you to decide how I have to look every day of the week. You could decide what my punishment for that action could be. Then, through the program and this blog, we could easily go about tracking my behavior, creating goals together and having tons of fun a long the way. And I’m sure a lot of you are thinking to yourself right now either a) Val doesn’t like online submission (as I’m sure I’ve said somewhere before) OR b) Why not just get one single online Dominant?, to which I will refer you to point A. And the biggest reason why I don’t like online submission is not because I’m absolutely against it, it’s strictly because to The Boyfriend it is still cheating and to me, it’s cheating.

Surely, it’s not the same if it’s a handful of blog readers or social network followers and really, it shouldn’t hurt anyone if the benefits are that I might actually accomplish something… (Comment with your thoughts…)

But I want it to be kinky 😉


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The Beginning of Another #NerdyJourney


Seriously, you guys are going to be so sick of me in no time at all. Then again, you can filter it out right?

I’m back on a bit of a #NerdyJourney – that’s right, it’s so darn nerdy that I’ve even gone so far as to create a hashtag for it on Twitter… Don’t ask me why, because I really couldn’t explain it to you, but at least this time I’m not going to bore you with Valerieopolis, which I haven’t even looked at in days. But before we get to all my geeky Minecraft-ing, I really want to share something else with you first.

Maybe it’s that I’m not being critical enough or maybe it’s that I’m simply accepting what I create easier, I uploaded yet ANOTHER YouTube video! Are you excited? I am. It’s been forever and a day since I uploaded a YouTube video and now I’ve uploaded two in the last month. However, I’ve changed all my old videos so that they have a little intro and ending to them and I updated my channel page so everything is all brand new over there.

If you haven’t caught the hint yet, go check it out! Like it, subscribe to it, share it with all your friends – but mostly, let me know what you think! Oh yeah, and here’s the video. Doing a cover of The White Stripes “Fell in Love With a Girl” (and yes, I know what you’re thinking, eventually I will do an original song – I promise!)

So now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, I’ll carry onto all the other stuff that I did today. Yes, it was Minecraft, but it was still stuff. As I said before, I’ve kind of given up on my other #NerdyJourney world, Valerieopolis. Just click the link if you want to learn more… I’m still doing it and it still exists, it just hasn’t really gone anywhere. Every time I get on it, little things like fill in a block here or there, but nothing that’s changing the way it looks. But The Boyfriend got me very interested in redstone recently and taught me how to do a few things that I didn’t know how to do before and so one night after we experimented with it together…

I created a new creative world for me to go nutty with. It’s kind of taken on a life of it’s own. I didn’t originally go into it with any real plans or concept, but it’s managed to turn into a Lava/Water metropolis. I mean, the sidewalk pretty much sums it up:

The Lava/Water Sidewalk

The central focus of this world, which I still haven’t named (so bear with me), is the Town Hall – although I guess it would be more appropriate to call it a City Hall, since that’s more what we’re working with. Here’s a couple of shots of what it looks like:

There’s a couple more buildings, which you can see by checking out my Random Minecraft album on Facebook, but really quickly, I want to show you my Fire Truck. It took forever and a day to figure out how to make it and then I had everyone telling me how I should make it, but of course, I didn’t like the way that they wanted it. So this is essentially what we all came up with. We’ve seen a few tutorials that were really good but I hadn’t watched any of them recently, so couldn’t remember a single thing. However, I do think my dispenser idea is awesome!

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So that’s what I’ve been up to lately… Spent the day after I was incredibly sick on Minecraft and spend the night after working on YouTube. Tomorrow, I have a butt load of things to do – I’m not even slightly looking forward to it. But it’s gotta get done.

We’ve promised to take Mom’s dog to the dog park with the kids, we’ve got a whole bunch of cleaning that needs to be done by 3 PM on Monday, plus we still have to get some grocery shopping done before we burn through the rest of this money! And just when we feel like it’s all going to be over, school starts again and the week gets crazy. Now, as long as I can remember to do some of the more minor things that I really want to do (like carry my camera with me, because I’m missing so many great picture opportunities or get a cheese grater, because I’m desperately craving grated cheese on my food), I’ll be happy as a clam.

Well, until next time 😉

The Accidental Cat