The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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My Day Zero Project – Someday: Back to BC


Ever since moving to Red Deer almost eight years ago (holy man, I can’t believe it’s been that long), I have desperately longed to go back to BC, where I was born and mostly raised.

In my life, I’ve lived in many different places, many different towns and cities and two different provinces. My favorite places were always the ones in BC. The weather is nicer, the grass is greener and the mountains are bigger. The water is less murky, the summer lasts longer and the winter’s are shorter. It’s where I long to call home.

I’m very realistic though and believe that there’s a good chance that Red Deer is where we’ll stay living for the rest of our lives and I’m okay with that. Both The Boyfriend and Alfie were born here in Red Deer and spent the better majority of their lives here. We’ve even been to see all the places The Boyfriend has lived his entire life…

While we did live in Red Deer when I was kid, it was for a year or two tops and I don’t have any super fond memories of Red Deer from when I was kid, except for taking my doll Jasmine to Value Village and playing on the old witch’s hat at Rotary Park – which doesn’t even exist anymore!

I want to take The Boyfriend through Prince George and show him where I went to my first punk show and where I lost my virginity. I want to take the kids to Herald’s Park and Margaret Falls in the Shuswap area.  I want us all to go to Canoe Beach and I want to remember what it was like when I was a kid. I want to make The Boyfriend drive the windy roads up to Williams Lake.

I also want to experience some of the things in BC that I never got to experience. Like visiting Vancouver and going to Stanley Park, or going to Penticton for the Peach Festival – not that I’m particularly fond of peaches, but I’ve only ever heard great things about it.

I want to see people that live in BC that I knew when I was a kid. My ex-boyfriends, my family that still lives there, friends I went to school with. I’d love to see my Grade 7 teacher again and see all my sister’s friends from BC. I want to see what’s changed and what is still the same. And I want to take my family a long with me!

Of course, these are someday things. Not things that I’m going to be working towards any time soon. But one day, someday, I’d like to show The Boyfriend and the kids where I grew up. The places that shaped me. Check out the rest of my Day Zero Project.

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My Day Zero Project – To Do: Clean the Kitchen


Another one of those things that has been on my to do list for WAY too long. While I make small strides towards this goal every week, it never gets anywhere closer to getting done. I’d like to change that.

I would really love to pull all the appliances out and clean behind them. I want to scrub the walls behind the stove and scour the floor beneath the fridge. Then I want to clean inside the appliances. I see this being a total gong show!

My oven is going to be the worst. That thing is so disgusting, and I’ve never had the opportunity to clean it out in my 3+ years of living here. It desperately longs to have a good clean. I want that oven to shine as if my old oven were new.

I want to pull all of the dishes and crap out of all the drawers and cupboards and completely clean those up and out. All the junk and stuff we don’t use at all (like martini ice strainers?!?) can be given away or thrown out. I’d like to pare down to what we actually use and then start saving up to buy myself things that I really really want, like a stand up mixer or a waffle iron.

I’d like to get all of the dishes completely cleaned and done. While I do dishes almost every night, there are always some left over in the sink or one that we didn’t know about out in the living room or some other thing like that. I’d like to have every single dish in my house completely cleaned and preferably put away.

I’d love to scrub all the walls down and get the table and chairs so clean that they shine. I’d like to get all the worst stains off the kitchen floor and I’d love to get this black shelf thing that we have out there, either thrown out or cleaned up so that we can use it for something.

Then, I’d like to keep the kitchen cleaned and organized. Make it a welcoming place for me to cook our family meals in, instead of a hostile environment that I tend to avoid like the plague. I’d like to get it set up enough that if one day I felt like baking with the kids, we could without having to dedicate 2 or 3 hours to cleaning up beforehand…

Ah, to have a clean kitchen. That’ll be the day! You can check out my clean and organize the kitchen task here and see the rest of my Day Zero Project tasks here.


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My Day Zero Project – To Do: Eyebrow Shaping


So today, I was reintroduced to the Day Zero Project. If you’ve ever wanted to make a bucket list or just a things-I-want-to-do list, the Day Zero Project will let you define 101 tasks to complete in 1001 days. You can even make a list for someday tasks, things you’d like to do some day, just not right now. I thought it would be fun to share some of the things on my list and how I plan to achieve them and I’ll update you when I do. (We’ll try to do one of these posts a day… *cross your fingers*)

Get my Eyebrows Shaped

I haven’t yet decided how I want to go about doing this, but it’s been on my list of things to do for as long as I’ve known that women can shape their eyebrows.

When I was about 14 and was taking modeling classes, we had an entire class on how to pluck your eyebrows in a way that was flattering to your face shape. They gave us each our own little orange sticks and we all got tweezers. I, however, had absolutely no interest in doing anything to my eyebrows at the time, especially if it was going to hurt, so instead sat there pretending to be reading the papers they gave us and got out of having to do anything mean to my eyebrows.

I’ve also seen some pretty wicked eyebrow shaping disasters in my time. From the over-plucked and uneven eyebrows to the “Oops, I waxed a bigger chunk off than I intended” eyebrows to the eyebrow shaping’s where the person looks like they’re constantly questioning everything you say!

I also don’t generally tend to think too much about my eyebrows unless I’m wearing makeup or have somebody take a picture of me where my eyebrows are almost completely invisible. Both things that don’t happen all too often. But when they do….

Barely There...

Now it’s just a matter of deciding how I want to have these babies shaped and where I want to go to have it done. Also have to take into account how much I want to pay for it. For a long time I had only considered plucking and waxing as options, though have recently begun to entertain the idea of threading.

I would really like to maintain whatever shape I end up getting with my eyebrows, assuming I like it and I would like to learn how to more accurately use an eyebrow pencil, because I think my eyebrows would look awesome. Maybe maintained eyebrows is exactly what I need to start looking like the woman I want to look like.

And don’t ask me what the woman I want to look like, looks like. Because I’m not 100% sure, it seems to always be evolving. The biggest thing is that she looks well put together, which I certainly do not on most days.

So ladies, have you ever got your eyebrows shaped? What was it like and how did you do it? Have you ever tried multiple methods? If yes, which one was most preferable? Any advice you’d give to someone considering shaping their eyebrows would be amazing!

This post is intended for adults 18+


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I Fell In Love… Again!!


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Image via CrunchBase

I always love when I get “in the mood” to read my Google Reader. I actually have two Google accounts now. One that is mostly blogging and social media related stuff and the other which is more of my kinky-related stuff. Think Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous related

I’ve kind of been ignoring the first one the last couple of weeks, partially because I really need to clean it up so that I’m more interested in checking it all out and partially because I’m so focused on expanding LBA that I haven’t really been paying attention to much except for trying to build that out by making connections with other adult bloggers, which means tons of blog discovering and reading!

So I thought, since I found a couple of really awesome posts, that I’d share some of what I’m coming across and loving. Enjoy!

Great Posts

I’ve also started checking out a few more blogs. I’ve subscribed to a few and put them in my special Blogs to Review folder, meaning that I haven’t decided if I’m going to continue following them or not. When I do decide, they’re getting put in the Blogs I Read folder!
I just recently downloaded a Chrome Extension that lets me un-truncate feeds in my Google Reader, which makes me really happy, because for some reason the blogs that I’m most interested in are always sporting the shortened feed posts and I’m not one to enjoy having to leave the current page that I’m on. I often have so many tabs open that opening up another one is too daunting, so I don’t do it… Anyways…

Blogs I’m Checking Out

  • SexIs

    Eden’s Fantasy is not only a great place for buying sex toys, lingerie and more, they also bring you some of the hottest sex news (including an article about a Tennessee highway getting closed due to the spillage of some Bull Semen) and some great series like Secrets of a  Sex Writer by Rachel Kramer Bussel.
  • Graydancer

    Graydancer is a sex-educator, erotic author, sex-positive activist and crazy awesome rope bondage enthusiast.
  • Domestic Servitude

    If you are interested in domestic servitude, this is definitely the blog for you. They offer a variety of household tips, tons of great links, crafts and other little tidbits for you to enjoy.
  • Diary of  a Kinky Librarian

    Nadia West is a self-identified slut, pervert, polyamorist, bisexual, submissive, feminist librarian. She’s a thirtysomething living in an undisclosed part of the NYC area. Nadia loves to talk about sex and her adventures with her Dom, MasterDoc, and thus this blog.
  • Making Latex Clothing

    If you’ve ever had an interest in making your own latex clothing, but weren’t sure how or even where to start, this is by far one of the best blogs I’ve ever found about the subject. Great tutorials, awesome projects and guaranteed to make you want to start crafting your own latex apparel!
I’ve also been kind of ignoring my own Twitter account and have been focusing a lot more on @LBAnonymous. It’s been good so far because I’m finding a lot of people that I’m really loving to follow. Check out some of the people I’m following on Twitter:
This post is intended for adults 18+


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The Second Coming


 

Does anyone else feel a wave of melancholy rush over them after insanely good sex? I do…

Last night was one of those nights that will go down in mine and The Boyfriend’s Best Sex History Book. One of those times that will be forever remembered and etched in our minds. A night that every other night will be compared to.

We normally have really amazing sex, but last night was so beyond amazing, so beyond the norm. It was a body-shaking, mind-boggling, heart-racing and incredibly romantic experience. I still can’t get the image of it all out of my head.

For the first time, in what feels like months and months, The Boyfriend was actually wanting sex. It wasn’t like what’s been happening most of the time lately, where I get so desperate for an orgasm, that I bug him for a few days and then after initiating, finally get some. He had gone to the store and when he got back, he sat down and asked, “Do you know where one of your black things are?” – This of course meant my slinky black slip. Unfortunately, that one is over at my Mom’s house, but I did have a silky black nightie thing and while it’s not the most flattering, it’s short and shows of my boobs. He had no complaints!

I wanted a neck massage really bad last night, and I’m really lucky to have a boyfriend who gives them to me very regularly and super easily. All I have to do is ask and I’ve never heard no. I’ve been desperately wanting to watch 9 1/2 Weeks with Mickey Rourke and Kim Bassinger, because I read a review that said it was good recently and while I had bought it a couple years ago, I never really hunkered down and watched it. We put it on once, but our intention was to play it in the background during sex. Last night, we actually watched it. Side note: The ending sucked for me!

I rubbed and caressed his legs and then we’d switch spots and he’d rub and caress mine. As the movie ended, I lowered my lips to his legs and begin kissing and licking my way up from his knees. He squirmed quite uncontrollably as I flicked my tongue behind his knee and bit gently on his inner thigh. He shorts became tighter and tighter and soon I was licking his hardness through his shorts.

I’ve always had a thing for pre-cum. It’s seriously one of those things that just automatically drives me wild with desire. It’s gotten to the point where the second I see it, I’m automatically soaking wet. Last night was the absolute best. He’s wearing these swimming shorts and as I’m licking through them, they begin getting wet in the perfect shape of his cock. I pull back and grab him as pre-cum inches out, and you can see it through his shorts as it bubbles above the fabric. So hot! It was no time before we were rushing downstairs to have sex.

We tried out a new position last night, really just a variation on our favorite position, man-on-top missionary. Normally, both my legs are up and either around his waist with my feet on his ass or up near my head, my feet near his shoulders. Last night, he lifted one leg while the other leg stayed flat on the bed. Then he straddled the flat leg. The penetration felt incredible. I was surprised at how deep he felt.

We were both frantic, grabbing wildly at each other’s bodies and his rhythm was impeccable. And man oh man, the talking! It was a constant stream of words and I can’t tell you how much I love to hear him talk during sex. Especially if he’s responding to the things I’m saying. As I’m moaning all my sweet nothings, he was moaning sweet nothings back and it’s enough to make a girl so wet!

He pulled out and I was sure he came, though he didn’t say anything. It looked and felt like it, but then he went back to hard fucking with a very rigid cock and I was so unsure if that was actually him cumming. After a few moments, I told him to sit back a little so that I could play with my clit while he pounded me. He sat back and forcefully grabbed my boob as he watched the other one bounce against the vigorous fucking. My entire body felt every single touch and every single breath and for the first time ever during sex with The Boyfriend, an I love you escaped my lips. It was quickly returned and said a few more times and it seemed like he got rougher and more intense.

By this point, I was beyond desperate for an orgasm. One hand was steadily circling my clit and the other was everywhere on his body. I said something about us having batteries, we could use one of our vibrators, but he was determined not to go anywhere. He says, “Don’t tell me to stop!” and it all becomes harder and faster. Then he pulls out and cums all over my stomach.

Nothing but oh my god’s after that. It was a first for both of us. The first time that he’s ever cum twice in one sex session and the first time that I’ve ever had a boyfriend cum twice in one sex session. We were both in total blissful ecstasy. It was probably the hottest sex we’ve ever had and if not the hottest, it sure as hell ranks up there pretty high.

He gets up to clean himself off and comes back to the bed where I’m still rubbing my clit. He grabs my inner thigh and ask him to kiss me. Every single muscle in my body was so tense and I was trembling in the most extreme desperation. It wasn’t long before I was having the most intense orgasm, working my ass off to contain any noises and trying to be so quiet. My body went from relaxed and enjoying the orgasm to completely tensed up, my knees up near my chest and my face buried in his neck. It seemed to go on forever and by the time I removed my fingers from my clit, my entire body felt like it was tingling and the most gentle of touches felt like they were rough and vigorous. He just held me through the whole thing.

The only bad part of the night was that somewhere along the line, he had made me bleed. There was blood all over the bed, my hands, our legs and his cock. I know that all that stuff is completely natural, but it always just makes me worry that he’s going to be so grossed out by it. And therefore completely turned off by it. If it wasn’t for my desperation to orgasm, I probably would’ve stopped the second I saw or heard about the blood because I let that worry cloud my pleasure. Last night, I did my best to ignore it.

After I was all cleaned up, I came back to bed and we laid there for another half hour or so talking about the great sex we had just had. Those moments always make me feel really good. We’re able to talk about the stuff that we really liked and the stuff that we would’ve changed. Last night was especially great being that we were talking about his first multiple orgasm and for the first time he got to experience what I experience, where every orgasm is different. He’s always saying that it feels essentially the same every time for him, but last night he says the first time felt like it was all about the build up and the second time felt like it was all about the release.

He comforted me about the bleeding and told me that it really doesn’t bother him. He wouldn’t say it turns him on, but it’s not a turn off. He said he loved when I told him I loved him and thought that was one of the hottest parts of the entire night, which was good because I thought for sure that he was going to say it was awkward or something. He told me how good I did at staying quiet and he pulled me in close for a really amazing cuddle. Best ending to sex ever!

For some reason though, after those really amazing sexual experiences, I feel an overwhelming sadness that seems to last into the next day. It’s not even a sadness that I can come close to explaining and there is no cause to it. I feel clingy and needy and like I need approval. I feel this incredibly intense vulnerability and frankly, it sucks. I fall asleep with this smile on my face, but I feel so melancholy. It’s very odd, but in a way, I really love the feeling. I wish I knew what it was that made it happen though and if other people have that too.

I will remember last night forever. What an incredible experience!


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A Real Rant!


Man oh man! This whole blogging thing is getting so hard for me. Crazy hard for me. I have changed so much. In the beginning of my blogging, I didn’t care a lick if people didn’t like what I had to say. I wrote whatever I felt like writing with little regard to what people might think or how they might feel about it. Now, it seems like it is totally controlling me and stunting my writing.

I keep starting posts and then I’m like, “Oh, so and so will get upset if they see this!” and then I won’t publish the post. I’ve got about 20 posts that are sitting there half done because I’m worried about what people will think or what they’ll think I think of them or whatever like that. Frankly, I’m sick of censoring myself so much. And yet, here I sit, with all those posts talking about the not-so-happy aspects of my life or of the happy aspects of my life, not publishing any of them, because I don’t want any confrontation. It sucks…

The worst part about the whole thing is I’m constantly in that questioning state of mind. I don’t want to voice opinions, because my opinions are constantly changing, my thoughts are constantly changing. I don’t want to make it sound like I have these formed thoughts, when I know that I don’t.

I’m also having a hard time getting my point across lately. I read through those 2o or so posts that I have sitting there saved, and I just keep thinking that my writing is going downhill. I’m having a much harder time writing about my life lately, than I’ve ever experienced before. Not that I’ve changed my mind about the fact that someone out there might find something in my blog of use in some way, I just am having the hardest time in the world writing about it.

It’s actually really bringing me down. I went from being the girl that wrote in a journal everyday, to the girl that blogged everyday, to what I am now, where I’m maybe writing once a week. Not even! I despise it, because I get so much joy and comfort from writing. I feel like it’s the greatest way that I express myself and lately, I’m just not feeling that at all.

Things have also been a little crazy lately, so writing has taken a huge backseat. Now that I’m working full-time, once I get home, it’s time to make dinner. And then shortly after that, it’s bed time and by that time, all I want to do is be close to The Boyfriend. I’ve been feeling profoundly in love with him lately.

He’s been really truly amazing lately. Not that he hasn’t always been amazing, it’s just that I’m becoming more and more aware of it. Today was the absolute topper of the cake and I have been in awe of him ever since.

We had gone over to my Mom’s for dinner and of course, Chef had to be home from work. It’s getting harder and harder for me to stand her alcoholic boyfriend, especially as they get ready to buy a place together. My brother was also there and while he’s doing 90% better than he’s been for awhile, he’s still just not very smart.

My Mom’s been all stressed out because my brother kept saying that he wasn’t going to be able to pay his rent at the end of the month. He keeps saying that he can “handle being homeless” until he can get a job and save up enough for damage deposit on a place. My Mom is not okay with him being homeless, none of us are, but we’re all hesitant to take him into our homes for any length of time. It wasn’t that long ago that he got out of a mental institution and was essentially disowned for refusing to take medication or even seeing a counselor…

It gets brought up because he says that he’s got a new job. The brother that’s not so swift, went and gave his notice at his place instead of trying to work something out so that he doesn’t get evicted. He doesn’t even know if he’s actually going to get evicted. I get a little hissy and say something to him about it and within seconds, my Mom is yelling for everyone to just stop talking about it.

Well, her boyfriend can’t keep his alcoholic mouth shut and just kept going off about it. She tries to tell him to stop and he just keeps carrying on. She goes out to the kitchen to “cook dinner”. I go out there to try to be comforting and it blew up in my face like you wouldn’t believe.

She was visibly upset about the conversation and made it very clear that she no longer wanted the discussion to continue. I told her that I wouldn’t stand for his lack of respect for one second. If I were her, I would do more than just politely ask him to stop. She snapped at me to stop but him it’s a nice, “Chef, I’d really like for you to stop now”, to which he completely ignored and just kept on beaking.

She turns around and says something along the lines of she doesn’t think I should be talking when I let Alfie get away with all the shit he gets away with. “It’s not like you stand up to him!”. That was officially my breaking point. I walked away and sat down in front of The Boyfriend and said that as soon as we were done eating, we were leaving. Then, for the first time in months, I burst out into tears.

I just hate when she tries to compare what happened/is happening between Alfie and I with what is happening between her and Chef. Because it’s not the same thing at all. I said something about how I would yell and scream to make him stop and she says something about how with him it’s not worth the waste of breath because it’s not like he’ll stop anyways. And while she’s 100% right, when I was with Alfie, I wasted my breath. I yelled and screamed all the time.

I personally think that if you’re going to choose to stay in a bad relationship, you shouldn’t just sit back and take it. No one should think they are so worthless as to allow someone to disrespect them on a daily basis. It just made me so upset.

I also learnt from the horrible mistake that was Alfie. And, I’ve gone above and beyond to change things between him and I. Argh… Here comes the not getting my point across thing…

The big thing that sticks out in my mind is that I have three kids with Alfie. I worked hard on our relationship constantly, even if he wouldn’t, for the sake of the kids. I went and got myself help on numerous occasions for the sake of the kids and for Alfie and I’s relationship, whether it was apart or together. And I made the ultimate decision to leave the guy and become much more of a hard ass when it came to what I expected of him as the father of my children!

It’s hard to really say what I’m trying to say without hashing out all the shit that went down between Alfie and I, but frankly, it’s pointless and painful. But when my Mom throws it in my face, it makes me feel like an absolutely horrible and stupid person. It makes me feel like a damned fool!

I made a hell of a lot of mistakes for all the wrong reasons and I will pay for that forever. I put my kids in a lot of situations I always said I never would for all the wrong reasons. And I’m doing everything in my power to right those wrongs. When she said that I didn’t stand up to him, it made me so angry.

I kept the kids from talking to him for over a month because he had wronged them. It felt absolutely horrible to do it, but it had to be done. He can’t be a fluctuating force in the kids life, he needs to be a constant. He can’t just choose when it’s most convenient for him to have kids. It’s either he has them or he doesn’t. And I struggle every single day to remember that you don’t just deserve your kids because your sperm produces them, just as I don’t deserve the kids because I carried them. You have to seriously put effort into it!

The big thing for me was that while I may have made a lot of stupid decisions, I never just sat back and took the shit. I tried, in so many ways, to stand up to his shit. It may not have worked and sometimes it back fired horribly, but at least I tried. I wasted more than enough breath. And never did I allow him to disrespect me. I’m not saying that it didn’t happen, because it did for a really long time, but I never just sat back and took it. It didn’t matter how drunk or sober he was!

After that comment from her, I was visibly upset and The Boyfriend could tell. The more I thought about it, the more I cried and he was the most perfect and amazing comfort at that moment. He held me close, even though he really had no idea what I was upset about, and as I’ve probably wrote before, he didn’t push me to tell him anything. He waited until I was ready and that felt spectacular. Once he learnt it was an Alfie thing, he quickly transformed into the super-protective boyfriend.

We stepped out on the balcony so that I could bawl my eyes out without worrying about my Mom asking or saying anything. It’s always my breaking point, the one thing that I can’t stand and the one thing that I can never fully express to her the difference between me and Alfie and her and Chef. Somehow in those moments, I felt like The Boyfriend was my protector and savior. Like he was defending my honor. Every single time I try to write it out, it doesn’t sound right at all, so I’m not even going to bother to to try anymore, but it was an incredible feeling and one that I don’t ever remember feeling and one that I hope I don’t ever forget.

Needless to say, it’s been a mushy night with The Boyfriend, a kind of sad night being that Alfie is on my mind and a bit stressful because I’m seriously considering trying to work out a way that, for the week that Chef is in town every month, for the kids to not be around that shit.  Because if I won’t let a toxic man like Alfie be in the kids life on any type of regular visit outside a couple of hours when he comes here, why the heck would I let a toxic alcoholic man like Chef around the kids everyday for a week straight?

Well, there’s my rant. No regrets!


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Things I’ve Done From the Sexual Bucket List Ideas Post


 

A very popular post on The Rantings of a Tortured Mind is a post from March 2011 called 100+ Sexual Bucket List Ideas. This post has been viewed over a thousand times and over 315 search terms have brought people to the post. If you haven’t read it yet, you should!

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