The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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I Need Constructive Criticism…


I’ve been thinking about this for a really long time now. I really want some constructive criticism regarding the blog here. I can no longer keep my head when it comes to deciding what I like and what I hate. I know that it no longer feels right and I want to make a change, but I’m having the hardest time just focusing on this blog… Another issue of having so many.

Another issue is that my other blogs generally stick to a certain type of niche. I can keep things more organized and stuff. But this blog, about whatever this blog is about, is an unorganized mess and I’m just not getting the satisfaction that I’d like every time I hit publish. Instead, I think about how much of everything I want to change…

So, I desperately need your feedback. I just want to know what others think about the overall design of the blog, the content available, the navigation structure, the sidebar, etc. I want to know what you think and what you think could be better. Leave your comments with your thoughts and opinions and please… be nice! Also, I’m not trying to make this some money-earning promotion-laden venue, it’s literally just a space for me to write about life in general.

Thanks to everyone who responds. Your opinions are greatly appreciated and valued!

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Not Going Good


I don’t feel like I’m in a good way today… Hell, I don’t feel like I’ve been in a good way for weeks now. First of all, I’m re-sick again. I began feeling better, I was finally able to breathe through my nose and I was just dealing with a cough and then I woke up two days ago with my throat absolutely scratching away and my nose all runny again. And it’s happening to everyone.

Kaeidyn was up half the night last night coughing and growling through her stuffed nose, keeping The Boyfriend awake. He’s now into the constant headaches part of this cold and Kenzie woke up this morning hacking his lungs out. Carter has had a non-stop runny/stuffed nose for a good couple of weeks now. But I’m most pissed that I’ve restarted this cold.

I don’t do well with colds. They make all of me hurt. I can’t sleep properly at night, I can’t wake up properly during the day, I can’t function like a normal person when I’m sick. And don’t even get me started on how much I’m not functioning and how much that’s bringing me completely down. I feel myself just wanting to sleep my entire life away and apparently that’s what I’ve been trying to achieve.

But I am downright exhausted… I think the earliest I’ve gone to bed in the last few weeks was around 1 AM. Last night, I was up until way after 3 in the morning, just tossing and turning. Other nights, I stay awake listening to all the sounds in the house. Other nights, I just lay there awake and cannot finally sleep. Finally, I guess, exhaustion consumes me and I eventually fall asleep – hours and hours after everyone has already fallen asleep.

By the time the alarm goes off at 6:30, I’m just starting to actually get into a deep sleep. So I sleep through The Boyfriend’s alarm. He resets it for 7:30 and that’s when the kids are supposed to wake up to get ready for school – though every morning but today, they’re normally up way before that. I’ve been staying in bed when they wake up, half awake, half asleep and make sure they grab everything they need for school. Then after they leave, I tend to fall right back to sleep to catch up on the hours of sleep that I’ve missed. And it’s a terrible habit…

Today, I woke up earlier than usual because the kids were all getting into candy, they were all being loud and rambunctious, and the phone would not stop ringing. The second I sat up in bed, I just felt today being the world’s crappiest day. The Boyfriend called from work and broke more bad news to me and now I can’t stop feeling like I’m on the verge of crying. I don’t want to move and I just want to go back to sleep…

I am just so tired of this life not being kind to me. Every time I think that things are starting to get better for us in anyway, the universe has to bring me back down to reality and remind me that apparently, things are never going to start getting better for us. It’s pissing me off a lot. We were so excited about the big chunk of money we’d be saving in bills and rent when we moved into this place and so far, we’re not seeing that change at all. Somehow, our money is lasting less time. And while a small portion of that can be accounted for in extra food expenditures (since our kids are always hungry), I just don’t know where the rest of it’s going.

There is literally too much that I can whine about. I was doing good keeping the house clean and then this cold hit and now I can’t seem to bring myself to want to do any cleaning whatsoever. Like I said, I just want to sleep… I look around the house and automatically feel exhausted and automatically have to force myself not to just climb back into bed. Things are just not going good for me…


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Trying to Figure It Out


I can’t stop talking about how much I need to get things back on track around here. I did so good for the first two or three weeks here and now, everything is completely slacking… And I’ve got plans like crazy. Now it’s just a matter of putting all those plans into action, which seems to be the absolute hardest thing in the world for me…

First, I need to start waking up at a regular time again. I went from waking up everyday at 7:30 to now, where I’m waking up whenever the heck I feel like it before 11:30. I just barely let myself become conscious enough to get Kaeidyn and Kenzie out the door before falling back asleep while Keirnan and Carter watch TV. And while it is truly blissful to have that extra time to sleep, it makes me lazy for the rest of the day.

Then, I need to start making the kids lunches again. After them not making their lunches properly for the past few weeks and after the messes I’ve experienced because of allowing them to make their own lunches, this needs to happen immediately! I just cannot for the life of me figure out what the best way and time to do this is. Do I want to do it the night before school or do I want to do it in the morning before school? Would I prefer to get down to making all weeks lunches once a week or does making them daily work for me? I also need to start discovering more healthy snack choices for school because I’m not liking what we’re choosing lately.

I also need to get some paper organizing going on around here. We got a file cabinet and files, but it’s in a awkward spot. Accessing it comfortable typically involves moving furniture around and the file cabinet part of it is so low that it almost never occurs to me to look at it. Kaeidyn ended up missing a birthday party because I put the invitation in her file folder and forgot that it was there entirely. I’m just unsure how to best do it. I’ve got tons of ideas floating around in my head. I saw one thing on Pinterest today that I thought was rather cool, having a whole bunch of little one inch binders for everything from finances to household management tasks like cleaning and scheduling and electronics manuals. But I feel like I’ll put the binders up and have them all fancified and then never do anything with them.

I’ve been trying to do all of that type of stuff on the computer with documents and spreadsheets, but it’s just not being out there enough for me to keep up with it. I need something that is bam, in my face. I need something that demands my attention and sticks out like a sore thumb. We’ve decided we desperately need a printer and a place to put all this important stuff. Now it’s just a matter of making sure money goes towards the printer and deciding what’s going to work best for all of us.

I gotta get back into a cleaning routine. I was doing so good doing dishes all day long and laundry all day long and sweeping and mopping on a regular basis. But when I came down with my cold (which can you believe, I’m still not over…), it all just started to slide. Sliding to the point where I haven’t done any of today’s dishes, the floor only got swept and mopped because The Boyfriend was restless while I was playing video games. Which is another thing I’ve just been doing way too much of. Video games on the TV, games on the computer, just too much…

I just want to get my life on some sort of organized type of track. And I want everyone to be on board with it. I just need to figure out how…


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Not Feeling Good…


Today is not being a good day. I do not feel well at all. I woke up this morning with a raging headache and a strong desire to not leave my bed. As the half hour passed, my stomach became increasingly upset until I was curled in a ball feeling all sorts of nausea. Another half hour passed and I was blissfully falling into a deep and very uncomfortable sleep. Don’t ask me how much time passed at this point, because I am entirely unaware, but at some point I woke up to Carter’s blood curdling screams.

I rolled around on the bed, trying to mask the noise and gently nudging The Boyfriend to go deal with it. Moments passed before I was getting up and dealing with Carter, not because The Boyfriend wouldn’t but because Carter wouldn’t listen to Daddy. Even though I still felt entirely like shit, I got up and cleaned the kitchen and Kaeidyn helped like she’s never helped before. Then we made a delicious mashed potato, bacon, sausage and corn dinner. Then, the boys decided to have a food fight…

After getting all upset about this and sending some boys to bed, I spent far too many hours plastered in front of the computer screen playing games. And now I feel like my body is decending into terrible pain. I have felt sore like this for days now. My back hurts which makes my neck and arms hurt and once my neck starts hurting, my head starts hurting. Then, my knees are bugging me which makes my ankles hurt really bad and nothing I do seems to help whatsoever.

I’m hoping that it’s just a mixture of PMS and the weather change that’s going on right now. We haven’t gotten snow yet, but the weather forecast has been calling for it on and off. Have I told you yet how much I’m not looking forward to that?!? It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to walk out in it. We’ve already decided that winter outerwear is on our next shopping list. And this year, I’m determined to buy myself a proper winter coat (as opposed to whatever leftover jacket or sweater whichever boyfriend I had at the time had) and proper winter boots (as opposed to whatever pair of runners I had from previous years)…

I need my mood and health to change in the next 24 hours… I have so much cleaning to do this weekend, I have to make sure Kaeidyn’s swimsuit is clean for this weeks swimming lesson and I want to make up lunches over the weekend for every day of school, because we had some complaints from the teacher again about Kaeidyn finishing her entire lunch at recess. Don’t ask me how she does it, because I sincerely don’t know, but she does… So come on Val, get healthy!


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Wasting My Life Cleaning…


Today is not being a good day. It started out better than I had expected, but it just seems to be slowly going downhill. I’ve had a cold for the past couple of days that has been a real bitch to everything. I’ve been way lazier than I’d like, my head has felt swollen for days on end now and I have tissue burn so bad that I feel like my top lip is on fire. But this morning, I woke up and the stuffy nose was barely noticeable and I had officially moved on to the really intense coughing that signals that this cold is almost over. I was relieved.

And when I woke up at a better hour today than I had expected, seeing as I’ve slept in way too late the past 2 days because of this cold, I was excited to see that I was up and awake and moving around before 10. We had let the cleaning slide for the days that I was sick, so there was quite a bit of that to be done and I’m not even close to done that and it’s starting to make me grumpy.

This house is too big. It took me three hours to collect the laundry from upstairs and clean the upstairs bathroom, then to wash 2 loads of dishes and wipe down all counters/surfaces in the kitchen, take down a load of laundry and start it, and then sweep and mop the living room floor while The Boyfriend cleaned all surfaces and laundry out of the living room. Three freaking hours!!

Now that would signal to you that it was really messy in here, but in fact, it really wasn’t. Laundry was the only real mess anywhere, that and the floor desperately needed to be mopped. Other than that, there really wasn’t all that much to do. On a good day, that would’ve taken The Boyfriend and I about half an hour to an hour to do, not three!! I feel like I’ve wasted an entire day…

I am just not made for this world of domestics and cleaning. It makes me more upset than it does happy. The only chore I enjoy doing at all is the dishes and I believe there’s a few different reasons for that. First one is, it’s the only one I can do and stay completely immobile. Ever the lazy house cleaner, I prefer my chores to reflect that. I don’t have to move, I don’t get breathless, I sweat only because I’m using all my elbow grease and I don’t hurt any part of my body other than my feet. Another reason is because it’s the only chore that gives me the freedom to think about things other than chores. My mind is free to wander away from the chore at hand onto other things as I stare out my window and sing ditties in my head. It’s also the only chore that none of the kids can easily get in my way with.

Yes, Carter tends to come over and stick his hands in the water a lot. And if I’m doing them when the older kids are home, they’re normally standing somewhere behind me talking or asking for something. But I’m in my impenetrable zone. They can’t walk through the pile of mess I’ve just made, they can’t insist on grabbing the broom and taking over, they can’t keep me chasing after them to get that piece of whatever away from me. They can be there, but not in my way.

I just hate cleaning and I hate how it seems so much harder than it should. I wish I could either a) be a domestic diva or b) hire someone to be it for me…


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Monday Ramblings


The lazy weekend was absolutely and exactly what I needed, apparently. This morning, I had no problems at all waking up even though I had woken up with The Boyfriend for a little bit before he went to work only 45 minutes earlier. I felt energized enough to walk all the way to the store after walking the kids to school to get myself a morning coffee. My mind feels alert and awake and all the cleaning that I didn’t do over the weekend is well on it’s way to being done and it’s only 10:30 in the morning!!

I’m so glad that today has been the way that it has been today. I went to bed last night fretting about all the things I neglected over the weekend and worrying about what would happen if I didn’t have the energy for any of it today and how I was going to force myself through it. As the great sex finished and the cuddling after had ended, as we rolled our separate ways, I stated, “Tomorrow, I am going to be energetic!” and for the first time in my life, I think I went to be on a positive thought instead of a negative one.

I wouldn’t say I slept any better or worse than I usually do after a good session of sex. I will definitely say that sleep comes much easier and feels much deeper, even if it’s a shorter sleep, after a good romping. Your body and mind is exhausted once you’re done, so you just give into the sleep better. Normally, I lay there wide awake for another hour at the very least, tossing and turning and thinking. But after sex, once we get comfy, I’m out in seconds. I don’t even notice I’m falling asleep, where usually I have to keep telling myself, “Keep your eyes closed, it’ll happen…”

I feel so good about life in general today. I stayed up late last night looking more into going back to school. I’ve discovered where I need to start, so that’s a really great thing. That’s normally my biggest problem with any goal that I’m trying to achieve. I have a hard time breaking down the steps into the baby ones and instead look at the bigger picture of things. I tend to do a lot of future planning and very little right-now planning. Half the time, I don’t even realize there should be steps to get to the bigger goal.

I’m also really loving these walks to the school 5 days a week. Normally by Thursday (or at least, this was the case last week, we’ll have to wait and see for this one), I absolutely despise the walking. But apparently a lazy weekend easily solves this issue. I’m loving getting the fresh air first thing in the morning and then throughout the day, I’m taking a lot of joy in seeing all the trees and bushes along our walk changing color with the season (even if it makes me dread the coming season). Fall has always been one of my favorite times of year. Everything looks so vibrant even though it’s dying. It’s an irony that always leaves me looking like a quizzical avatar. I have fun with the kids when we’re walking too, which is so rare these days that it’s incredibly welcome.

I’m feeling good about the cleaning too. Even though we let it slide a lot more than we should’ve this weekend, it’s not taking me long to get it done today. And my motivation with the cleaning is through the roof. While my sink was full of dishes almost all weekend, in 20 minutes I got that under control this morning. And the floor got swept over the weekend and will again today. Now, I just need to kick my ass to get the laundry under control. I’m doing a great job at getting rid of clothes that no longer fit now, but the ones I’m keeping still aren’t making it to a drawer. Something to work on!

Well, here’s to optimistic and totally productive Monday! Let’s just hope this continues for awhile. I like this a lot better than previous days emotions…


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She’s a Maniac, Maniac


Tonight’s project: The kids are making me file folders for their school stuff. Each of them gets a file to color and all their paperwork for the school year will go into it. Carter’s making one too, even though he’s not going to school, but I imagine him and I will get creative and figure something out to put in it. It’s kind of the first craft that they’re doing with me. Normally, they do it at Mom’s house and it stays there. Brilliant idea I might say!

Today was supposed to be a day full of cleaning for me but I didn’t do nearly as much as I had hoped because the kids were completely out of control today. They’re so excited about going back to school and the birthdays that are upcoming, that it’s utter chaos around here. No one’s listening, they’re all being incredibly loud and argumentative and the boys’ are constantly having power trips and play housing too roughly. If someone’s not crying, they’re screaming and if they’re not screaming, they’re making one of a million other sounds that make the inside of your brain tingle.

I did get some cleaning done and even made the kids do more cleaning today than they’ve had to in awhile. Luckily, it wasn’t nearly as much of a fight as it normally is. The only one of the kids that I trust at all to do dishes and not make an epic mess and actually get the dishes cleaned to at least 75% of my standard, above and beyond The Boyfriend, is Kaeidyn. I’m pretty particular about the cleanliness of my dishes and often find flaws in other people’s cleanliness standard (including those who say they have a standard), and she’s the only one that makes the grade, so far. But, she started losing interest in doing the dishes and didn’t like that it was always her chore. Then Kenzie started asking to do the dishes and almost like magic, she decided she wanted to do the dishes today.

And Kenzie, who is normally the biggest pain in the butt to really get cleaning, got in trouble for doing something and was sentenced to cleaning the downstairs bathroom floor. We had just recently gotten a Swiffer Sweeper Vac, so the kids were all wanting to try it. Needless to say, there was no fighting about cleaning the bathroom floor. And because the Swiffer doesn’t do as great of a job as I’d like it to, I made him sweep it with the broom first. Now though, I have to charge the Swiffer, so can’t finish the big clean I was planning for anyways…

Not that a big majority hasn’t already or isn’t getting done today. After the kids are done their project, their going to bed and then The Boyfriend and I will spend sometime cleaning up whatever’s left. Again luckily, he doesn’t have to work tomorrow, so keeping him up late isn’t a huge deal. Hopefully that means that after the stressful day that I’ve had today and after the sweaty cleaning of the night, we’ll get to spend some adult alone time together, which will be wonderful.

But for now, I’m going to sit back and eat some ice cream, maybe color a folder of my own and then commence the night-time cleaning marathon. Goodnight!