The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


The Way I Felt!

The last line of this song always touches me. Here’s the lyrics:

I started a blog which nobody read
When I went to work
I blogged there instead

I started a blog which nobody viewed
It might be in cache
The topics include:

“George Bush is an evil moron”
“What’s the story with revolving doors?”
“I’m in love with a girl who doesn’t know I exist”
“Nobody hates preppies anymore”

I started a blog but nobody came
No issues were raised
No comments were made

I started a blog which nobody read
I’ll admit it wasn’t that great
But if you must know here’s what it said:

“100 of my favorite albums”
“200 people I can’t take”
“400 movies I would like to recommend”
“10 celebrities (4 of whom I might assassinate)”

I started a blog, I sent you the link
I wanted the world (and you) to know what I think

I started a blog, but when I read yours
It made me forget
what I had started mine for

“I started a blog nobody read” by The Sprites

Check out my playlist of more blogging videos on YouTube.

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On My Mind

Being without the internet for that while there has completely screwed with my creative streak. That and all the cleaning we’ve been doing and the fact that I haven’t had a chance to just veg in front of my computer. I haven’t gotten a single thing done in the last few days, except for cleaning of the house, and I hate it.

I just can’t get motivated to do any of it. I keep browsing the internet and then I just feel all down and out about my “skill”, and then I just don’t feel like doing it anymore. Not even that I don’t feel like actually doing it, it’s that I feel like, what’s the point.

I went to the doctor yesterday to complain about my now lack of period (odd that I bled for a year straight, and then stop taking depo and now I’m not bleeding at all. And no, it’s not pregnancy!) and the soreness of my hands, knees and now back. So now I’ve got x-rays scheduled, blood work scheduled and I’ve got arthritis medication that I’m supposed to start taking. I’m probably going to wait for a day that The Boyfriend doesn’t work, because apparently there’s a chance it’ll make me drowsy, and I don’t want to end up falling asleep when I’m the only one here with the kids.

We did our Christmas with the kids last night, since they’ll be at their Dad’s for actual Christmas. It’ll be another lonely one this year, just me and Carter, since The Boyfriend is working it. But anywho, we opened presents with the kids last night and it was totally rewarding when they opened their gifts and loved them. Kaeidyn got make-up, the boys got cars and they all got a music set with a guitar, drums and more and drawing paper and crayons.

Argh, this whole blogging/website thing. It’s just so much on my mind it’s ridiculous and I’m never even blogging. It’s literally to the point where I’m dreaming about it, and then stressing about it all day long and barely getting anything done. And I’m only stressing because I’ve got all these ideas of what I want to do, what I want to accomplish, and I was so into the groove of it all, and now I just feel kind of lost. I make it sound like I’m so addicted to it, but I’ll let everyone know right now that I’m not. I do perfectly fine without it!

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It’s that time of year again…

I am so sick and it so totally sucks. The worst part is, I look as sick as I feel and that just sucks even more. Hopefully I’ll be able to take a bath tonight and wash some of this sick feeling down the drain.

I’ve gotten nothing but dishes done over the last few days. We did finally clean under the couch cushions, a job that was way overdue. But it only took a few minutes, a quick sweep and vacuum under the cushions and now it’s all clean and pretty. The dishes though… Holy  moly!

My mother decided to clean my storage room awhile back and she found a box of dishes and we all assumed it was hers from when she stayed here a long time ago. Then we opened the box, and discovered sets of dishes that I had bought when Kaeidyn when was probably just over a year old. So, we added a bunch of those dishes to our cupboards. Imagine my excitement when we found plastic plates for all the kids and bowls enough for everyone. Living on two bowls and one plastic plate with four kids, incredibly difficult.

I’ve learnt now though that adding those dishes to my other dishes, not such a good idea. Every night I’m doing a minimum of two loads and there’s normally still two loads left to do. And it’s not like every dish is getting used, but it sure feels like it. I want to move into a new house where I can better organize all my stuff so that I don’t feel like I’m cleaning the same things over and over and over again. Because it’s exhausting and defeating.

We also finally got laundry detergent, which is good because the ten or twelve bags of laundry, plus the few baskets I have, could really use a washing. It’s amazing how much you miss laundry detergent when you have none. The kids are going to their Dad’s this weekend, so I’m hoping we’ll at least get the kitchen and living room completely cleaned while they’re gone.

Don’t know if I mentioned this yet or not, but the boys also got bunk beds. They are really pretty. Just plain pine, but it’s perfect for them. Kenzie sleeps on the top bunk and Keirnan sleeps on the bottom. Though haven’t stayed in them for a full night yet, but I’m hoping that’ll change tonight when we put sheets on them. It’s nice that all the kids finally have their own beds and don’t have to share a little dinky mattress together. Now if only, I could get them to stop crawling into bed with me every morning.

Kaeidyn has had a major attitude problem these last few days. She wakes up in the morning and she’s grumpy. This morning she was grumpy because I grabbed her a pair of pants and she insisted she looked dumb. So she wanted to wear a pair of pants that are way too short on her and tank top. I told her she would look dumb if she went out in the middle of winter dressed like it was summer. Then I tried to tell her how much I loved the pants on her, because I really did. And how I wouldn’t send her out of the house looking dumb. But she pouted and whined the entire time.

She came home from school yesterday just out of control with her attitude and by the time The Boyfriend got here from work, she got sent downstairs for her horrible attitude and the crying and pouting. And I fear that today is going to be much the same. It took her all night to finally tell The Boyfriend that she was so grumpy because her friends won’t play with her at school. Apparently, her “boyfriend” broke up with her too, though this was awhile back. She of course, won’t talk to me about any of this, no matter how hard I try. I’m letting her have her space and not pushing her right now, and we’ll see where that takes us. I’m not looking forward to teenagehood with that one though…

Carter has probably been hit worst by this cold. His poor little voice keeps squeaking and for a few nights, he was up almost all night. It’s better now that we’ve got tylenol that he likes. But he’s still got the super runny nose and we’ve been putting rub on his chest to try to loosen up all of his phlegm. Hopefully we’re all over it soon though, because too much longer of this and I think I’m just going to collapse. It’ll be Carter and I collapsed!

I’ve also made another decision about some things, and that is that I shouldn’t browse the internet anymore. Because then I start devaluing everything I do on the internet, and then I just get super discouraged and spend a good week or so not doing anything on the internet except playing games. And I hate that. So, I haven’t gotten anything done this week online. I haven’t started FetLife Fridays, I haven’t made any new products like I was supposed to, I’ve barely been writing at all, and I’ve been avoiding my computer like it was the plague. Hopefully that will be over soon…

Tomorrow, we have Kaeidyn’s Christmas concert to go to. So that should be fun and then the next day we’ve got a sing-a-long at the school and that night, the older three will be off to Fort Saskatchewan (assuming this snowfall warning doesn’t ruin it all!). Hopefully I’ll get a bunch of sleep this weekend and by Monday I’ll be all better and ready to get stuff done!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone. Anyone got special plans?

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I have a cold…

I need to stop looking around the internet. Because I do, and then I just feel like everything that I’m doing online pales in comparison to everything everyone else has already done. Before the internet was gone, and I was spending all my time on Squidoo and they were feeding me all this bull about perspective, and how there is someone who wants to hear what you have to say about a given topic, I felt like there was a reason behind all of this.

After spending the past few days “researching” – more like stumbling around the internet finding that every idea that has ever popped out of my little head has been done by someone else, and done better – I just feel like I’m wasting my time and should focus on something else, something that doesn’t make me feel so small. I have too many other things in my life that make me feel small to allow blogging to make me feel small.

Don’t ask where all this is coming from either, except that I see everything I’m doing and when I’m doing it I feel spectacular. And then a few days later, I just feel like everything I’m doing sucks… It’s so annoying.

I’ve had a pretty bad cold these last two days. Usually, Kaeidyn will get a cold, and then she passes it on to Kenzie and Keirnan and then Carter gets it, and then I get it really bad and The Boyfriend will get a couple sniffles. This time, I got sick at the same time as all three of the boys and Kaeidyn’s not over her sick yet. It kind of sucks all of us being sick at the same time.

Today, I forced myself to get up off the chair, even though I really didn’t want to, to clean up the living room. I still need to vacuum, so that kind of sucks. But at least the evidence of the kids independent spree this morning is gone. For two days now, they sneak out of bed (Kaeidyn claims they tell me, but I seriously don’t think so), and head upstairs. Kaeidyn proceeds to make everyone breakfast and get everyone drinks (this morning, there was Jell-O) and they sit very quietly up here letting Carter and I sleep downstairs. Yesterday, I slept in until almost 10 AM and today I didn’t get up until Carter work up at 11! I also did two loads of dishes again, and still have another load to do.

The messes are becoming so overwhelming, and it doesn’t help that everyone that comes into my house points it out. I feel like I’m working harder now than I ever have to keep a clean house and it feels so much like all my effort is a big waste, especially when I clean something and literally five minutes later the house is destroyed. The worst part is that I don’t even know how it happens for sure, because it doesn’t seem like the kids do much to make a mess and yet it’s always messy…

So that’s been my week. Pretty boring, eh? How’s yours been?

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Back Up and Running

I am so happy to announce that I am finally back online. It only took forever, because I don’t have numbers on the front of my house, so delivery people couldn’t figure out that we’re 24. Oh well, I finally got my modem and within minutes was set up on my wireless.

I’ve been hard at work on Blog-A-Holic Designs and the blog of the same name. It’s taken me a few days to get out of the obsession of working on that. I’ve literally been completely zoned in on that stuff and have barely looked up from my laptop screen.

The bigger news is that I deleted my YouTube account. I have had the same Google account for many years now, and almost everything was outdated. So I was all like, I’ll delete my Google account. Completely forgetting that YouTube was a part of it. But it’s actually a good thing, because now I can start fresh and only produce quality content out of it. I haven’t uploaded anything to the new account yet, but I’m working on it.

We’ve been working really hard on getting the house clean, though the effort seems to be completely futile and a huge waste of time. No one can ever prepare you for the ridiculous amount of cleaning you have to do as a parent. I don’t know if it’s so bad with one or two kids, but with four it feels almost impossible. I would have to clean literally all day long to keep the house in any sort of order.

I have at least 10 garbage bags full of laundry that needs to get done, which will hopefully get taken to a laundromat soon, because I won’t ever get it all done here. Especially with my dryer being so crappy. My room and the kids room and the bathroom are in desperate need of cleaning, but once I get the upstairs of my house done, I’m too sore and too exhausted to even consider it. And unfortunately the upstairs doesn’t stay clean for long.

And these kids lately. It’s been pure hell with them. They are incredibly loud, they don’t listen at all and the worst part is, they’ve all got attitudes. And really bad attitudes. Kaeidyn is the worst, though Kenzie is getting really close with his constant “No”s and the feet stomping. And worst of all, is my sweet little Keirnan is picking up on all the attitude.

The attitudes wouldn’t even be so bad if it weren’t for the fact that we’ve discovered all the kids have an issue with hitting, whether it be in play or in anger. Carter is a daredevil and an instigator, and will walk right up to the boys and start play fighting with them. Unfortunately, Kenzie still has no idea of how hard he punches, which I learnt the other day when we were play fighting.

The last two days haven’t been too bad, because The Boyfriend has been here. But before that, by the time he got here after work, I felt just totally strung out. I hate when I spend almost the entire day mad at the kids, but lately they’ve all been so out of control, that it’s hard not to be mad at them. It’s hard to smile and think about how adorable they are.

So, that’s been my few weeks in a nutshell. How was your last few weeks?

P.S. FetLife Fridays will be returning Friday, December 17th, 2010. Sorry for the long overdue articles. There’s a chance that the format will be changing. There’s a chance that the blog might be changing… I haven’t decided for sure yet…