The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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Work = Stress

I seriously don’t know how I’m still standing… Even through all the pain in my body and all the stresses in my life, somehow, I’m still standing. And I’m still not understanding how it’s happening. Through almost all of my life, this would be one of those times when sleep would become my best friend and I wouldn’t smile during the day and I’d be having panic attacks. Though, here I am, still standing, still smiling, still playing guitar, and I don’t know what’s going on.

Work is being a total gong show for me. Everyday before I go to work, I’m experiencing hardcore nausea and it’s taking every ounce of energy to actually go. Mainly because I’m worried I’ll get stuck in LP (Loss Prevention). And that worries me because after a couple hours in there, my entire body hurts to the point where I’m holding back tears.

When I’m in the warehouse doing inventory, lifting heavy things, my body doesn’t seem to hurt nearly as much. I think it’s all because I’m moving about, so my body has no time to really realize the pain. Whereas in LP, I’m just standing still, for 8 hours! I try to grin and bear it, but the longer I’m there, the harder it gets. It doesn’t help that I’m not like the people I work with, so it’s just another situation of feeling lonely.

Here I stand at this desk, and I don’t talk to anyone outside of the odd customer who needs directions. Everytime that I have tried to talk to other people, it’s an unsatisfying experience. Firstly, I’m the oldest person in my department, and I’m not that old. Add on top of that that I’ve got four kids at home, I’m completely the odd one out. I only know of one other person who has a kid there, and it’s one kid. All the rest of the people seem to be in school, either high school or college. And it’s just a constant reminder of how big of a fail my life is.

It’s amazing to me how much I miss being a stay-at-home mom. It wasn’t easier, but I miss it. Not having to rush out the door to work, not having to work out babysitters and kids being picked up from school and me being picked up from work and how that’s going to affect the kids sleep. I miss being able to see my kids whenever I want to see them, and I feel like I’m taking something away from them. And it’s made especially worse when I’m just standing there not really doing anything in LP or even the odd occasion in the warehouse. And once again, I feel completely under-appreciated in this position and it just sucks. I don’t think I’m ever going to be satisfied with working for someone else.

The kids are all doing great I suppose. Tired and full of attitude lately. Carter is well on his way to walking now, and seems to always want to be walking. He stumbles and falls alot, but he loves to do it. He’s also become somewhat of an instigator, constantly getting the other kids in trouble. They’ll have been told to sit quietly, and Carter will go over and start screaming at them or hitting them, and of course, what kid is going to sit quietly through that. He’s also been eating alot. Today, he had a full bowl of Kraft Dinner and ate it down so quickly. Now, he’s fast asleep 😉

Kenzie and Keirnan have been attached at the hip since Kaeidyn went back to school. If Kenzie goes downstairs, Keirnan goes too. They sit close to each other on the couch (even though they don’t have to). They wake up and play in their room together until Kaeidyn gets out of bed for school, and they eat together and they do everything together. They don’t necessarily get along the entire time, but they’re together.

Kaeidyn is doing really good in school, or at least from what I can tell so far. She’s loving that she gets to bring home a book every night to read it, and she’s loving more that for every five books she reads she gets a prize. I’m still loving the agenda and seeing her writing improve so quickly. I think she’s starting to not like the waking up early part of going to school. It used to be where she’d be up before our alarm went off, worried about being late for school. Now, she’s asking to stay home from school alot and we’re almost always going in and getting her out of bed. I think it might also be a little bit of the lack of sleep (gotta remember to put in a request for a change in availability, so that I’m sure she’s in bed at a decent hour).

My finances are completely out of control, and both The Boyfriend and I are drowning in stress from that. He feels like it’s all his fault that we’re in the position we’re in, and almost everyday he says he needs to find a job. Part of me is like, “Yeah, you do!”, but another part of me doesn’t want him to go back to work just yet, because I don’t want anything screwing up my work. Not that I love my work, but I just don’t want it to be a repeat of Alfie and I all over again. Where I go to better my life, and then he decides he needs to help and ends up screwing it all up in the end. Right now, The Boyfriend can stay and watch the kids so that I can finally get out of the house and be a productive member of society for awhile.

We’ve got so many more expenses than we do an income at this point. I have a feeling that another attempt at quitting smoking is coming up soon, and I’m incredibly nervous about it. Some days and sometimes, it feels like smoking is the only thing that is keeping me as positive as I’m being. I know it sounds absolutely crazy, but it’s true. When my stress is at the absolute highest height, having the cigarette seems to calm me right down. I don’t know how to deal without it. But it looks like pretty soon, I’m going to have to figure it out. Unless I want to end up on the streets with four kids!

Same with my Sprite habit. I have a feeling that’s going to be coming to end soon. That one I’m more excited about. I feel like cutting down on that is going to help me lose a little bit of weight. Which is just something that’s seriously bothering me. It seems like no matter what I do, I’m just going to keep gaining and gaining. I have been getting off my ass more and more. Cleaning when I’m home (not always, but more than I was), walking around at work, standing at work, lifting heavy boxes at work, and since starting work, I’ve gained another five pounds. I’m officially in the overweight category (just!) for my BMI. And it’s just yet another stress piled onto the mound of crap.

I hate that I’m not pregnant, and if you just saw me, you’d think that I was. Because I look it. I have the belly, and the worst part is, on almost any given day I feel like I’m pregnant. Between the nausea, the sore breasts, the weight gain, and the soreness in my knees and hips, it just all feels like everything I’ve had with all my other pregnancies. But I’m not pregnant, and it’s just stressful. Stressful and exhausting!

I just want to know, when it’s going to end. Because, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to be anytime soon and that just stresses me out more!

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Saskatchewan’s Breeze Tree

Even though it was really late, The Boyfriend had to bring the kids to pick me up from work last night. There were clouds in the sky that almost looked like smoke, and Kaeidyn asks, “Is BC going to sink?”. I respond with, “I hope not, because eventually I want to move back there!”

She starts asking questions like crazy about BC. I say thing like, “BC has beautiful waterfalls. The air smells cleaner. Winters aren’t as cold, and they have real mountains. Not like here in Alberta, where mountains are really BC hills.” As a joke, I throw in that it has more trees than Alberta and definitely more trees than Saskatchewan’s one.

This of course, sparks a conversation about how all the people from Saskatchewan have to crowd around this one tree to feel the breeze. Kaeidyn has now decided she wants to go to the Saskatchewan Breeze Tree, as she calls it. We all had a great laugh and it was a great end to a horrible day at work.

Yesterday, I had to do an eight hour shift in Loss Prevention (LP), which I despise. Everyone there seems to love LP, because it’s a boring job. You basically just stand there and say hello and goodbye to customers as they enter and exit. You also watch the cameras and stuff. It’s an easy easy job, but it sucks because you have to stand on your feet the entire time. Their Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) is that you can’t sit. After asking one of the managers about it one day, I got a very serious, “If you want to sit back there, you might as well just go sit outside!”

It blows because my knees are bad, my body hurts, so standing there for eight hours takes a serious toll on my already mounting soreness. I came home and complained for the rest of the night about how bad I hurt everywhere. At work, it was all in my calves and feet. By the time I got home, it had spread all over my body and today, I don’t feel like moving an inch, because every move I make, hurts!

I went for a doctors appointment yesterday to get my depo prescription refilled. I checked about my x-rays and sure enough everything came back normal. My doctor thinks it’s because I’m in the beginning stages of arthritis and that’s why it’s not showing up, because there’s been no damage yet. I’ve been told to take Advil whenever I feel like I’m swelling up.

We also discussed the perpetual bleeding that seems to be dominating my life to a large degree. I asked about The Boyfriend getting a vasectomy, and about me getting my tubes tied, but since we wouldn’t mind trying for one more kid a few years from now, my doctor suggested I try an IUD. It’s something I’m seriously considering, but I don’t like that there’s no guarantee that this bleeding is at least going to simmer down a bit. Part of the draw to depo was that there was a chance I wouldn’t have a period anymore, only a small part of the draw. And now, here I am, almost a year later still bleeding.

My stress levels have officially jumped through the rough and are at the same levels as airplanes fly. Crap keeps piling and piling and I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Finances are out of control around here, and it’s going to take month’s to bounce back from it all. My Mom’s out of town and has dumped all her crap here on me, including paying car insurance (which I’ve never done), and paying her rent – with her money, but it’s still an unwanted stress.

The kids have all been pretty out of control lately. They’ve all got colds, but it’s not slowing them down in the least. Carter has probably been hit the worst by this cold, and it’s brutal listening to him try to breathe right now. We’re taking care of it as best as we can, with what we’ve got, and it probably won’t last long, but it’s exhausting. He’s so grumpy all the time.

Keirnan and Kenzie, since Kaeidyn’s been at school, have been attached at the hip, and I don’t think either one of them likes it very much. Keirnan’s been unbearably noisy lately and he’s gotten rough, very rough. But his talking is improving quite a bit and more and more everyday, he becomes more understandable. Kenzie has just been full of energy in the worst kind of way. He wants to go, go, go, and I just want to sit and relax. He’s always running around the house, always talking, always wanting something.

Kaeidyn has been loving school, though she’s sick so hasn’t really felt like going much. She’s already missed a day, which sucked but she needed to. My favorite thing so far about school is the agenda. She writes little notes to me about what she did at school or what we have to do at home, and then I get to write notes to her teacher if I need to. I’m also loving the books that she’s bringing home that are really simple for her to read on her own, and she likes to read them to everyone else.

Kenzie desperately needs to go to school. He’s got the reading thing down, and every book that Kaeidyn brings home he’s able to read. I don’t know if it’s actually reading or picture association, but it works. He’s been practicing his counting like crazy, and knows his entire ABC’s off by heart. Kindergarten is going to be so incredibly boring for him next year…

So, that’s pretty much my last couple of days in a nutshell. Work, kids, sleep, and stress. Pile on the world, and you’ve got my life! What do you think, should I stay on depo or try out the IUD? I’m not sure what I’m going to do there…