The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Quarter-Life Crisis, Part 1


I kind of feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster ride right now. Maybe it’s post-period-hormones or maybe it’s all the thoughts that I’ve been thinking the last couple of day or maybe it’s the fact that the sun keeps giving me headaches so I’ve been living in the dark as much as possible (by keeping my curtains closed) or maybe it’s none of those things and it’s something else entirely that I just haven’t acknowledged yet or it could even be all of the above…

One second, I feel almost elated. I feel joy and peace and happiness and like the world around me is light and relaxed and calm. And usually, the things that are going on in these moments evoke those types of feelings. I’ve spent a lot of times being close with the kids these last few days. Their behaviors have all been relatively top notch, Kaeidyn and I haven’t really argued in days, the most I’ve had to put up with is noisiness and the occasional tantrum from Kenzie. Carter I guess has been worse than usual, but it seems so minor compared to what I normaly have to deal with… I’ve also spent a lot of time on the computer actually getting things done, even though it may not seem like it, and that feels really good too. I always feel better after a good computer session.

Other areas that I’ve been doing really good in include the cleaning (at least on the main level of the house), which hasn’t gotten too out of control over the last week or so and for that reason, it’s been incredibly easy to keep up on. And I’ll let it go for a day or so before I’ll do another good clean and the biggest mess we’ve had is paper. I’ve been doing the dishes on a regular basis and insisting that the garbage get changed frequently. All in all, the cleaning has been good. Waking up has been going relatively well too. While I’m still sleeping in later than I would like to, at least now I’m waking up consistently at the same time every day.

We also got a huge boost in parenting confidence the other day, when we had our program worker come to the house to do an observation of us as a family. She wanted to see us do an activity together as a family, so we made some paper airplanes. All the kids have been getting more and more into paper airplanes now that they’ve discovered they can make them all by themselves, which is why there has been so much paper all around. So we chose to make paper airplanes so the kids could show off their skills, plus, the only other real activity we do as a family is play video games or go for walks…

She was really impressed with The Boyfriend and the way he would help the kids figure out how to copy his “jets”. Of course he is really good at giving instructions because he is a manager after all, but he is especially cute when he’s doing it with kids. He has so much patience for them. She was also impressed that the kids and I have a way of talking without ever using words, like when Kaeidyn and I were talking and Keirnan interrupted, I put my finger up for him to wait a minute and he actually waited. I never really noticed that we did this but now that I think about it, it happens for a whole bunch of things. Mostly things that mean that they are supposed to stop something. We also do things like I love you, rock on and Live Long and Prosper to each other, because we’re all nerds like that.

So all in all, there’s been lots of reasons to be up pretty high on the roller coaster. But over the last two days, the first two after my period, I’ve been having massive swings into sudden and overwhelming blahness. It’s not even sad, it’s just a general state of blah. Like I don’t know how I feel in these moments, because it’s kind of like not feeling at all. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel angry, I just don’t really feel anything. In these moments, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be there, I just don’t… And while these moments almost never last very long, they’ve been on my mind. I keep trying to analyze them or something, trying to figure out what they mean or what’s causing them, but often times that analyzing is what’s sending me into them.

And a lot of times, it’s happening over small stuff with The Boyfriend, that sends me into the spiral. Nothing really all that crazy either. For example, he comes home from work last night and he’s incredibly sore. He thinks he’s having a quarter-life crisis, like a mid-life crisis but in his 20’s. He’s not feeling as sprite as he used to and it’s affecting him and we both believe that it’s more mental than it is actually physical. His brain is saying “Okay, you’re 26 now, that’s when we said that you were an old man” and he’s being reminded of his family saying things like “You’ll feel that when you’re older”, which apparently 26 is older, so because his brain is saying all these things, his body is feeling his age.

So, for the first time in our relationship, through broken wrists and spinal taps, for the first time, I’m hearing him whine. Now I’m a whiner, so I have no right to say anything about him whining and I’m absolutely not complaining. I think it’s cute that he’s whining. But here I am, never hearing him whine before, and I’m clueless as to how to support him through this big mental/physical struggle he’s going through. I know how I would want to be supported through it, but I’ve also never been a very strong (physically speaking) type of person but he has and I’m sure his pride is suffering somewhere in there. I’m still not exactly sure how to support him through it but I figure I’ll just wing it and see what works.

However, every time I do support him, it seems to send me into a spiral of thinking and analyzing. And I guess to a degree, this all has to do with really realizing that I’ve been rejecting a huge part of me because of our relationship, so really it’s clouding all my thinking about our relationship.

Don’t get me wrong in anyway. I love The Boyfriend in a more deep and profound way than I think I’ve ever loved anyone. I have never experienced such a wonderful and amazing relationship that I believe is strong and stable in every single way possible. I never look at him and think “Oh my god, I wish this relationship would just end already” and I have not thought once about breaking anything off with him. On the contrary. I’ve been thinking heavily about spending the rest of my life with this man and how for the first time in my life, I seriously cannot wait to be married. I cannot wait to have him propose to me, I cannot wait to wake up to his face every single morning for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to grow old together. I really do love him so much.

This next bit may get sexual, so click through to read it if you’re interested…


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Just Quick


My poor Carter is very sick. He did good all day and then right around dinner, he started looking flushed and was complaining that he was sick and now his whole body is aching and his stomach hurts. Kaeidyn went through almost the exact same thing yesterday and still looks rough today.

I, on the other hand, slept most of the day away, even though I was trying so hard not to. I just absolutely could not wake up. We had the people here to fix our door and I stayed mostly awake during that, but as soon as they left, I fell back asleep until the kids started asking for dinner!

At first when I woke up, I felt so angry and upset that I had slept almost all day. Turns out it was the start day of my period and once I got past the initial upset, I actually got a lot done including dishes, laundry and cleaned even more of the kitchen. Plus, Kaeidyn did a great job making sure the boys didn’t make a mess of all the cleaning we did yesterday and the day before.

I have been having a difficult time getting motivated to get on the computer, which is unfortunate because I feel like I’m just not giving 100% to any of my current online ventures. As it is right now, I’m writing this from my bed on my BlackBerry and I just don’t feel like I’m actually getting anything done… Definitely need to make some adjustments there.

Now it’s time to watch some Star trek, which The Boyfriend and I are getting more and more addicted to. From watching 2 or 3 episodes every night of Next Generation and playing Star Trek Online to the constant talk of it. We’re obsessed!


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First Week of December


We’re all sick again… I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this many colds one right after the other. I feel like most of us have been sick since the snow first fell. The kids are missing tons of school because of it, which completely sucks and I’m quite worried about how this is going to affect their grades and school future. I know Keirnan has missed a lot of school, a lot of it!

The Boyfriend goes to get his cast removed on Wednesday and then they’ll re-assess to see if it’s healed or if they’ll need to re-cast it. We’re both incredibly excited for it to come off and his fingertips are getting impatient. I’ve never seen anyone’s hands get so dry, but his fingertips are grossly dry and peeling. He had his first day back at work yesterday, after almost 2 weeks off because of the break-in and I was surprised when he came in the door afterwards in quite a good mood. Today, he says he feels sore and exhausted, but I think that’s because he’s getting hit with the cold that the rest of us have.

I’m starting to feel very cooped up in the house, something that happens every winter. I’m really not a fan of the cold, in any way. I really despise the cold and avoid it like the plague. So in the last 2 weeks, the only time I’ve left the house is when I’m being picked up to go to Wal-Mart for groceries. I haven’t just left the house to leave the house, I haven’t gone to anyone else’s house, I haven’t just stepped out the front door. And of course, since the kids have been sick, I’m cooped up in the house with all the kids. It’s causing me to go a bit crazy, to be quite honest.

I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube lately and have become quite obsessed with Hank Green (one half of my favorite YouTube-ing duo, The Vlogbrothers), and when I say obsessed, it’s a bit of an understatement. I officially have a crush on another woman’s husband! I really enjoy watching all of his videos and listening to his songs and just hearing about all these things that he’s done. I wish I could be him… Really, there’s a whole bunch of YouTubers that I’m starting to become obsessed with but Hank Green seems to be the highest on my list.

The other day, I had noticed that I didn’t track my period for the month of November. I checked all the different places that I normally put at least something to let me know, but I couldn’t find anything. I turned to The Boyfriend, “Hey Babe, did I have a period in November?” and he responds, “No, I was just thinking that, I don’t think you did”. I eyed him up and down, “Oh, and when did you think you should let me in on this?!?”. We can’t say that that means anything though, because my periods haven’t exactly gone back to normal completely. It had only been 3 months of having them around the same time every month, prior to that they were all over the place. Some months I’d have no period for months on end and other months I’d have two periods in one month. I’m hoping it’s just my body having an issue with period regulation and not that other thing that a lack of period can mean. If it is, I don’t feel like it is…

Well, that’s pretty much the last few days in 600 words or less. Next week, we have to get Christmas presents, which should be fun – though I have no idea what we’re going to get the kids and eventually I’ve gotta get the kids in to see the doctor and the dentist. I swear I say that every December… How’s your first week of December going?


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Thank You (SARCASM) Menses…


Well, so far, this holiday is not going as good as I had hoped it would. First of all, it’s appearantly period week. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I now experience PMS. I had some cramps my first period year, but I’ve never had PMS. I have been in the most bitchy mood ever and swinging in out of moods like crazy. And now that I’m actually in period week, it’s just being relentless.

It’s been awhile since I’ve seen The Boyfriend tiptoe this much around me, because I haven’t been bitchy like this in a really long time. Or at least, I feel like I’m being way bitchier. Needless to say, all the sex that I was hoping we would get to have this holiday, hasn’t happened at all. And while I’m trying not to let that get to me more than it is, it’s being incredibly difficult, which isn’t helping the bitchiness.

And while I know there are ways to work around blood during sex and while I know that The Boyfriend won’t freak out about it, it’s not like it would be the first time for us, I just don’t feel like it. I don’t want to have sex in the shower and I don’t want to get naked and I don’t want my blood to get anywhere and it’s pissing me off, just straight up!

I know I’m probably being overly graphic and I know you’re probably all cringing hoping this post will end sooner rather than later, but I’m just not in a very good state right now. I feel incredibly angry all the time, for no particular reason. I’m being bitchy towards everyone I love and it makes me feel terrible. And The Boyfriend goes back to work soon and I feel like I haven’t gotten to spend more than 2 seconds with him and absolutely none of it was intimate and that makes me all sorts of negative emotions.

This period can’t end fast enough…