The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Sorry :(


Sadly, there will be no FetLife Fridays today! I kept trying to work on it throughout the week, but I’ve been so occupied with these EPSS workshops that I haven’t had anytime to get my research done. Sorry to everyone who was reading, and no fear, I will be bringing you another one next week (Nov. 5th).

My brain feels like it’s expanding every single day, exponentially. There is just so much information crammed in there. I really want a career, not just a job that I go to and hate. I really want to work somewhere that I’m going to love and not feel sick right before I go to it. I haven’t had a job that was satisfying since I was 16 working at McDonald’s in Salmon Arm.

I’m supposed to be setting up informational interviews at a couple places here in town. There isn’t a part of me that’s nervous about the informational interview itself, it’s the setting it up part that I’m really nervous about. I don’t want to just walk into a place and be like, “Hey, I’d like to set up an informational interview”. I feel like I’ll be such a big inconvenience, even though all the employment specialists say otherwise.

I was going to set them up earlier too, but then I decided to wait until we did informational interviews in Job Club (a 5-day workshop which is over today!!). Now, I feel like I’m not going to have enough time, since I’m supposed to be meeting with my Work Placement Training person on Thursday. And I really want to get into that, because I might just end up finding a job I love.

I also found out about a place here in town that is desperate for Health Care Aides and will even train people. But now, I have to decide, do I really want to be a Health Care Aide. When I was a kid, my answer would’ve automatically been yes. Now though, it’s an interest of mine for sure, but do I think I can actually do the work? But then, I also think I’m underestimating and under-valueing myself.

Monday we go to the dentist for Keirnan. Originally they were just going to pull his teeth, but since it’s been over six months since he last saw the dentist it’s just an exam. I’m hoping that they’ll say something like “Those teeth are going to fall out soon, we don’t need to pull them!”, so that I can relax about at least one thing!

Kaeidyn and school lately has been a truly exhausting experience. She is constantly asking us to spell things out for here so she can write and draw. She’s been bringing stuff home and there seems to always be something going on at her school. Like bring a white t-shirt to school day (which of course, we don’t have for her. We also didn’t have any money to buy her a white t-shirt. So she ended up having to tie dye a piece of paper towel). It’s amazing how much kids being in school can make you feel like a crappy parent. And it’s just going to get worse throughout the years.

The worst part is that I’ve been having a hard time doing her school work with her. Once I get home from my workshops, I need a good half hour to just adjust to being home. She’s just gotten home from school and seems super ready to get her homework done. I make her wait, most of the times too late, so that she’s either doing it right before bed or when she wakes up in the morning. And lately, The Boyfriend’s been letting me sleep until 9:30 and he does her homework with her in the morning. Her homework also frustrates me alot, mainly because I have such high expectations of her. It’s all stuff I’m trying to work on it. The first thing we need to do is, create some sort of routine!

Kenzie has been back into games hardcore. And I don’t even think it’s for playing games, it’s just constantly asking to play games. When he’s not asking to play games, he’s whining. This high-pitched squeal-y whining. He talks during it and you can’t understand a single thing he’s saying. The good thing about it all is that he’s been alot more cuddly than he normally is, and at least once a day he crawls up into my laugh and snuggles really close.

Carter has been active, to say the least. He’s a ball of energy. When he’s not sleeping, he’s walking around, screaming and yelling (in a fun way), and getting into everything! Sleeping with him lately has been a gong show and a half. He steals my pillow, pulls my hair in his sleep, this morning I woke up to him scratching my cheeks. And this is all what he does while he’s sleeping!

So, that’s been the last week pretty much. Workshops, homework, games, whining, and lots of energy for everyone but The Boyfriend and I. We have been almost completely energy-less.


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Wrote This While Offline


In a perfect world, BDSM would be present throughout the entire day with behaviour modification, rewards and punishments and regular BDSM activities, including the attendance of munches and play parties. A typical day in my perfect BDSM world would look like:

MORNING

–          Slave will dress Master

–          Slave will dress according to Master’s wishes

–          Slave will be given a list of duties to complete by a deadline

–          Slave is responsible for feeding Master whatever he desires

EVENING

–          Slave will recite motto to Master

–          Slave will please Master sexually

–          Slave will receive any punishment for the day

–          Slave will write a journal to her Master

–          Slave will be inspected for Master’s pleasure

  • Shaving will be done every two days
  • Hair must be washed and pulled back for bed

Master will:

–          Work with slave to create a weekly eating plan

–          Create a weekly workout plan

–          Correct misbehaviours immediately verbally, and later physically

–          Assign duties (chores) to slave

Slave is required to:

–          Restrict eye contact except when checking on Master

–          Must always say “Sir” or “Master” when speaking to Master

–          Ask permission!!

–          Always be on the Master’s right unless otherwise instructed

–          Walk behind Master, on his right

–          Kneel beside Master unless instructed to stand

–          Not get into bed until given permission

–          Not eat/drink unless given permission

–          Present  to the Master whenever entering his presence, by lifting hands beneath hair and standing with legs spread. When kneeling, rear end must face Master, legs spread

Punishments may include, but are not limited to:

–          OTK Spankings

–          Denial of orgasm

–          Naked housework

–          Writing lines

–          Standing in the corner

–          Housework in heels

–          Denial of electronic use including computer,  videogames, television

These are just some of the ideas I’ve come up with for what I’d like to happen. Of course, there are many many more things. Maybe I’ll add them over time. Obviously, I would be the slave and The Boyfriend would be the Master 😉


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I Hate Snow!!


Man oh man! I am just really not looking forward to tomorrow at all. To add onto all the reasons I’m not looking forward to tomorrow, it started snowing here 😦

I am not a fan of the snow, in the least. I always say that winter is my favorite season, and it’s always been because it’s the gloomiest time of year. The silence of winter is almost deafening, and I love it. The streets are quiet in the middle of the night, because it’s too cold for anyone to be out. But this year, I have absolutely no excitement about this particular snowfall.

It’s going to be cold, really cold. I don’t do well in the cold. All my joints hurt, my breathing becomes wheezy, I have to wear at least 9 sweaters to not shiver violently. I have to crank my heat up in the house, which not only costs an arm and a leg, but makes The Boyfriend sweat, badly. I’m in constant need of a blanket, which is hard when the second you leave your chair, your blanket gets stolen by a little rascal.

It’s also a winter without a vehicle. Which means any long distance running around, even downtown, becomes this big deal. Because then you have to worry about bus schedules, waiting for the bus in the freezing cold, and waiting in the freezing cold terminal. Or you have to walk, and don’t even get me started on that.

When The Boyfriend and I first started dating, he lived about four blocks away. And many nights, he would walk here or I would walk there. By the time it was winter, I would be wearing two pairs of pants, two pairs of socks, a short-sleeved shirt, a long-sleeved shirt, 2 tight sweaters, 2 baggy sweaters, 2 pull-over hoodies, 3 zip-up hoodies, with the hoods up and a big puffy winter jacket, and would still find myself shivering and having to snuggle up to his little heater once I got inside his house. It would take me a good hour to get to a state where I didn’t feel frozen.

But about tomorrow. I have to go to this EPSS workshop, everyday this week from 1 PM to 4 PM. I’m excited about the opportunity that I’m being offered, but I’m not excited about figuring a way to get down there and back tomorrow. Am I going to have to walk in the snow? I hate that I might have to walk, because I’m just not in the mood for it.

I’m not looking forward to going to the EPSS workshop solely for the fact that I don’t think I’ll learn anything I didn’t already know. The other two workshops, I didn’t learn anything new and by the end of them felt like they were a waste of 3 hours. I just don’t want to have that experience all over again.


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My Sexual Pity Party


I hate nights like this, where I’m given time and quiet enough to really sit and think about my life. It gives me time to think about all the things in my life that I want, and am nowhere close to having, and the things that seem like no matter how much I hope for, are never going to be attainable.

Almost half of my life has been a constant waiting game to get the things that I want. And almost all of that time has just been one door shut after another. Everything seems so far out of reach and I hate it. And then I sit around thinking about what I’m doing to obtain these things, and the answer is “not much”.

I’m talking mainly about sexual things, BDSM things. I mean, yes, this whole situation is true for just about every other aspect of my life, but I prefer not to think about that stuff right now, because it’s overwhelming and stresses me out. I just feel like I’ve wasted so much precious time.

Some of the things I’ve wanted to do, and haven’t include:

  • Fetish Modeling/Photography
    Aside from my foot photos, I haven’t done any of it. And it’s been on my list of things to do for years and years now. I desperately want to go to a photoshoot and even more desperately want to be tied in uncomfortable and sexy positions while someone snaps pictures of me frantically. 

    I want to be behind the camera, taking pictures of beautiful feet and bums and breasts. I want to take and be a part of the artistic and creative movement of erotic fetish photography.

    What am I doing to be a part of this? Even though I am a member of the local fetish and photography group on FetLife (which seems to be alot of talk and almost no action), and even though I’m a member on ModelMayhem (though check it maybe once or twice a year), I’m not really seeking it out. I don’t have a camera anymore and even if I did I would constantly be in denial about any skill that had and therefore wouldn’t connect with models. So, it’s just one of those things…

  • Dominance
    Yeah, this is a big one. Since I first ever learnt about BDSM, I’ve wanted to be a Mistress, wielding my cane and bossing some sissy boy around. “Force” him to wear my underwear and “make” him wear a cage around his swollen cock all day long while he suffers and I revel in it. And yet, here I am, almost 11 years later only having two experiences in Dominance, both of which lasted maybe half an hour and both of which did not go as I wanted them to at all. I want serious Dominance and submission, on a daily basis, not thirty minutes of it.
  • Submission
    This is a relatively new desire of mine, only within the last 2 or 3 years. Prior to The Boyfriend, I probably wouldn’t have ever really considered it. Maybe in a moment of despair. But with The Boyfriend, I can’t see it being any other way (not that I can see it “being” really at all!). 

    I feel so naturally submissive to him, and I wish that he would get it through his head how strong of a desire this whole BDSM lifestyle is to me. I wish he would take more initiative to become the Master I need, or any initiative at all. The worst part is that he shows interest one day and the next it was like he was never interested at all.

    Currently, I desperately want to incorporate a whole bunch of things into our day-to-day relationship. Little things. Like, if I don’t do the dishes by a certain time, I get a punishment. Or, I have certain chores that must be done to his specifications. This list is really quite long, and it just seems like it’s going nowhere.

    On a fairly regular basis I suggest some play time, be it cropping or flogging or spanking or anything kinky, and most times he’ll make it sound like he’s interested. And then we both stay up late on our computers, and next thing you know it’s 4 AM and we’re both too tired to look for the crop or even use it for that matter.

It’s just a series of disappointment. I want to know how many more years I’m going to have to wait…. I don’t want to be an old woman by the time I finally get to experience, even just one aspect of BDSM, the way that I want to. As it is, my body is crapping out on me with each passing day, and things are getting bigger than I ever wanted them to, and pretty soon I’ll be past my prime for fetish modeling. Then my back will go and I won’t be able to swing a flogger. Then my knees will give and I won’t even be able to kneel! Argh!


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Told You It Was Normal


Many vanilla people are surprised to learn that S/M includes erotic spanks, scratches, and bites, which are amazingly common forms of erotic expression. They are also surprised to find out that S/M practitioners can fall in love, and that they enjoy conventional sex acts such as oral sex and intercourse.

– Laura Goodwin of United Leatherfolk Of CT


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Closer to Sex Therapy


So today, in my impatience, I decided to walk from one bus stop about half an hour to the my EPSS appointment, then walk almost two hours home! I can’t believe it took me that long to walk back here.

On my walk, I felt amazing. I felt invigorated. Now, I feel sore and tired. But I’m getting over it. I’m feeling pretty good about the whole EPSS thing too. First, I had a totally kick ass rocker chick employment counselor, who had LP’s hanging on her walls and cool art everywhere including this huge painting of Led Zeppelin.

Then, she told me about this Work Placement Training program they offer and brought in the lady who runs it. They both asked, “What would be your dream job?” and I quickly responded that I’d like to get my Master’s Degree in Social Work and become a sex therapist. For the first time in my life, instead of getting weird, disgusted looks and remarks like “Why in the world would you want to do that?!?!?”, I got an enthusiastic, “Oh, that’s awesome!”.

The even better thing that came from all that is through this Work Placement program, sex therapy may be closer in my future than I would’ve ever thought! So, over the next few weeks, me and these two awesome employment counselors will be working towards getting me set up in a field that could eventually help me work towards becoming a sex therapist.

The only unfortunate thing about it all is that next week I’m going to have to figure out a way to get downtown for workshops all week. Because I don’t think I’m going to be able to walk it everyday. I have a feeling by tomorrow, I’ll be all cramped up and in a ball on the couch whining every five seconds about my aching back and knees.

The kids are all doing really great. Kaeidyn’s learning about Halloween in school, so today all we’ve heard is all about pumpkins. Keirnan is attempting the potty training thing again, though I don’t expect it to last long. He was doing so good for so long, and then (just like with Kaeidyn) he goes to Alfie’s for the weekend and comes back in a diaper and refuses to use the toilet anymore. But it’s all good. Kenzie has gotten back into his gaming again. The first thing I hear when I get out of bed is, “Is it too early?”, because he knows he’s not allowed to play games early in the morning. It keeps going until we finally give in and let him play a game.

I hope The Boyfriend or I get a job, really soon, because we are in desperate need of extra cash, no doubt about it. Really, any cash would be nice. I’m getting sick of being this broke and having this panic worried feeling all day long. It’s like this horrible nagging monkey on your back that’s constantly raking at your soul. It keeps you from sleeping, it keeps you from relaxing or having fun or feeling excited and it just generally makes everything else seem so unachievable.

Then, as if being broke isn’t bad enough, everyone is sick to some degree or another. Keirnan’s teeth are still rotten (though he hasn’t had any issues whatsoever with them. They look pretty good for rotten stubs), The Boyfriend now has a painful abscess in his teeth, Carter and Kenzie both have wicked colds (Carter’s is all in his nose and Kenzie’s his throat), and Kaeidyn is just getting over a cold.

Then, there’s poor old me. I haven’t taken my depo shot for this month, though for the first time in my life am still having safe sex and both The Boyfriend and I refuse to do anything without condoms. And even though I haven’t taken my depo, I’m still bleeding. Only a four more days and I’ll have officially been bleeding for a year! And this horrible pain that I’m constantly in seems to be spreading. My hands and arms are really bad, my knees and ankles are bad and then my back and neck are super bad. I don’t know how I stand some days, because I seem to always have this pain. I just want to know what’s going on. I don’t care if it keeps happening, but I want to at least be able to place the blame on something instead of sounding like I’m just over-exaggerating and complaining… Oh well, beggars can’t be choosers 😉


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Blogging is…


I’ve been hard at work creating new product for The LBA Store tonight! I’m really excited to show off the new “Blogging is… ” series of merchandise, so here’s some of my favorites from the new products!

Set of 4 Mug

Get all four sayings on mousepads, t-shirts, tote bags and more on

The LBA Store.