The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Not Well


I’ve discovered why I don’t listen to podcasts.. I simply cannot multitask. I can’t pay attention to what’s being said and also do other things. See tonight, The Boyfriend brought me home a gift that was supposed to be for my birthday but he couldn’t get it until now. I got a BlackBerry PlayBook!!!

So I’m sitting here listening to a podcast and trying to read a couple books that I downloaded, but I think it’s impossible. Especially being that I’m incredibly interested in this podcast.

I’ve only recently started listening to podcasts… Very recently! It started with The Gloria Brame Show, which I officially love. Dr. Brame is kinda my idol (one of many). But tonight, after years of having it on my to-listen-to list, I finally gave a dedicated listen to Savage Love and I think I’ve found another podcast I need to start listening to on a regular basis.

I was surprised at how into the podcast I was getting but even more than that, I was taken aback by how into The Boyfriend was getting. He doesn’t usually pay much attention to anything I do on any device so it was a nice little change. I spent most of the night subscribing to podcasts that I’ve heard about over the years and plan to spend most of today sifting through those.

In other news, I had gotten an infection in one of my teeth last week, which isn’t altogether uncommon for me. First,  I’m a smoker. My teeth are just bad because of it. Then, my back teeth (can’t remember what they’re called, either the molars or wisdom teeth) are trying to come in but there’s no room for them. So, I spent all last week with an incredibly sore mouth. Then The Boyfriend and I had sex and the pain went away. Imagine my total excitement.

But then, I woke up yesterday and instead of feeling no pain, the infection has just moved to the other side of my mouth. My face is all swollen and I’m sleeping horribly because of all this pain. I need to go see a dentist but right now we just can’t figure out how to make it work financially. Lately though, I’ve been wondering if that’s true, or if I’m just so scared that I’m making excuses.

I’ve always hated the dentist. Doctors, surgeons, never been scared of them, but dentists, deathly afraid. I start packing the second they take the x-rays. And while you can now do the whole sedation thing, I do worry a lot about the cost of all that. Just in general, I’m worried.

Something is also going on with my neck and I’ve had probably 3 days now of this intense and nagging pain. It’s making my head hurt constantly and no amount of tylenol seems to be helping. It’s making me more grumpy than I’ve been in a long time…

I’m just so sick and tired of feeling like I’m falling apart. Every time I start thinking that I’m feeling better or healthier, something turns around and bites me in the ass. I feel like it’s taking its toll on me entirely. I don’t even feel like myself anymore…

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Not Feeling Good…


Today is not being a good day. I do not feel well at all. I woke up this morning with a raging headache and a strong desire to not leave my bed. As the half hour passed, my stomach became increasingly upset until I was curled in a ball feeling all sorts of nausea. Another half hour passed and I was blissfully falling into a deep and very uncomfortable sleep. Don’t ask me how much time passed at this point, because I am entirely unaware, but at some point I woke up to Carter’s blood curdling screams.

I rolled around on the bed, trying to mask the noise and gently nudging The Boyfriend to go deal with it. Moments passed before I was getting up and dealing with Carter, not because The Boyfriend wouldn’t but because Carter wouldn’t listen to Daddy. Even though I still felt entirely like shit, I got up and cleaned the kitchen and Kaeidyn helped like she’s never helped before. Then we made a delicious mashed potato, bacon, sausage and corn dinner. Then, the boys decided to have a food fight…

After getting all upset about this and sending some boys to bed, I spent far too many hours plastered in front of the computer screen playing games. And now I feel like my body is decending into terrible pain. I have felt sore like this for days now. My back hurts which makes my neck and arms hurt and once my neck starts hurting, my head starts hurting. Then, my knees are bugging me which makes my ankles hurt really bad and nothing I do seems to help whatsoever.

I’m hoping that it’s just a mixture of PMS and the weather change that’s going on right now. We haven’t gotten snow yet, but the weather forecast has been calling for it on and off. Have I told you yet how much I’m not looking forward to that?!? It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to walk out in it. We’ve already decided that winter outerwear is on our next shopping list. And this year, I’m determined to buy myself a proper winter coat (as opposed to whatever leftover jacket or sweater whichever boyfriend I had at the time had) and proper winter boots (as opposed to whatever pair of runners I had from previous years)…

I need my mood and health to change in the next 24 hours… I have so much cleaning to do this weekend, I have to make sure Kaeidyn’s swimsuit is clean for this weeks swimming lesson and I want to make up lunches over the weekend for every day of school, because we had some complaints from the teacher again about Kaeidyn finishing her entire lunch at recess. Don’t ask me how she does it, because I sincerely don’t know, but she does… So come on Val, get healthy!


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Keeping Myself Distracted


Today’s mission is to keep myself distracted from thinking about my life too much. Things could not be doing all that much worse than they’re doing right now. And I’m trying not to think about it, because then I’ll stress. I’ll stress a lot. I wouldn’t say that I experience stress in the same way that a majority of the people I know deal with it. Instead, it is more consuming and feels so profound, and the stressful mood of one day can end up lasting weeks at a time. So I’m trying not to really think about it and instead, just doing what is necessary, without thoughts and emotions behind it.

So today’s mission is to come up with as many ways as possible to keep myself distracted, at least until The Boyfriend gets home from work. I’m starting my day off right, vegging out in front of the computer. I’ve had my morning coffee, I’ve joked at the news and now I’m letting the screen take me away to a hopefully productive place. After I’ve bored of the computer, I plan to clean the kitchen. It hasn’t been that many days since we last cleaned the kitchen, and the upstairs of our house is finally starting to look less like a disaster-zone and more like a lived-in space. The downstairs unfortunately is still a lot like World War 3…

It’s hard to believe that the four years at this place is swiftly coming to an end and it’s even harder to believe that I’m leaving this place with only a few more pieces of furniture than I came into it with. And that, in general, I’m leaving with less “stuff” than I came here with.  I’m excited about getting rid of so much of this junk. I’m definitely more excited about it than everyone else. They all  want to hold onto things and keep things. I guess I just stopped being sentimental about things awhile ago. Getting rid of things is nothing.

So here’s hoping that all goes well in the keeping myself distracted department for the next few hours… About seven of them!


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Blank Stare


I cannot believe that it’s been 6 freaking days since I last wrote. I have been in the world’s worst funk ever these last few days and I have absolutely no idea why or what’s caused it and I have no clue when it’s going to break. The last two days, after a night when The Boyfriend and I were asleep by 9:00 PM (an incredible rarity for us!), I’ve seen glimpses of not so bad moments – so I’m hoping that’s a good sign, but it’s been rough.

I have just been so down and out. I can’t even describe how down and out I’ve been. At times, I’ve felt sad and at other times I’ve felt angry. I spent almost an entire day feeling completely worthless and heartbroken about something. So it’s really just been a huge mix of negative emotions the last few days, which has resulted in me being the laziest I’ve been in quite awhile. It’s also resulted in a few more missed days at work than usual and a lot of tension around the house. Everyone kind of walking on eggshells and me being incredibly sour.

There are about 1000 factors that could be causing these emotions, when we think about psychological triggers, though when I try to identify them, they don’t seem to fit right. Especially being that all my “triggers” are all pretty mundane things that don’t seem to actually affect me the way that I wish they would (example: my house is not clean at all!)… If that makes any sense?!? So at this point, I’ve established that this is an unknown funk, not a caused one.

So needless to say, my time on the computer has been very minimal. Mostly, I’ve been laying in bed watching TV or sleeping or pouting. When I have gotten on the computer the last couple of days, I just stare blankly at the screen or out the window, no thoughts running through my head – other than the odd, “I wish I could have a thought…” thought.

Well that’s been my week in a nutshell. I wish I could come up with more to say or something, but here I sit, blankly staring…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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My Favorite Links This Week


I’ve been working on so many things over these past few days online and I’m getting tons done. In the process, I’ve ran across quite a few really great links that I’d love to share with you. I’ve included a couple links to what I’ve been posting elsewhere as well. Enjoy!

Favorites from Facebook…

Favorites from Blogs I’ve Subscribed to…

What I’ve Posted…


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Unhealthy Weekend


This weekend had been rough on The Boyfriend and I. About a week ago, I started having pains in my teeth. Friday was full of pain, the night before, I got less than 2 hours of sleep. Needless to say, I didn’t go to work.

A couple hours passed when I get a call from my Mom letting me know that The Boyfriend had called her from work to take him up to the hospital. Apparently he got a very sudden and incredibly intense migraine, and the people at his work were insistent that he go to the hospital.

For the most part, we had no idea what was going on out what the circumstances behind him landing in the hospital. Finally he calls to let me know that they are sending him down for a spinal tap…

So they were thinking he was having a brain aneurysm, sent him for a CT scan and a spinal tap, and now he keeps getting these headaches constantly. Albeit not nearly as bad as the first and they seem to be more triggered.

I went to the doctor about my teeth. Looks like I’ve got a wisdom tooth coming in and one of my other teeth is falling apart. It hurts really badly. So now I’m on these huge antibiotics, which make me feel nauseated and T3’s, and I’m convinced they are not helping with this pain!

Now I need to make a dentist appointment and just the thought of it makes me feel sick. I haven’t seen a dentist since my Mom used to make all my appointments… I’m so nervous about it. I’m not looking forward to hearing how much it’s going to cost to get this problem fixed either!

So that’s been my weekend in a nutshell. Sickness, pain and a lot of The Boyfriend and I taking turns taking care of each other. No fun at all…

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Reflections on a Year and Looking Into the Future


This year started off worse than it finished, and it’s had a wide range of ups and downs. I failed almost every single goal that I had set out to do in 2011. I didn’t blog more this year, I didn’t keep up with adding YouTube videos, I didn’t lose 30 pounds, I didn’t get my house or life clean or organized… In that respect, it was an epic fail.

But, I did catch up on all my bills, I did get my hot water turned back on, I did get my Mom paid for babysitting the kids and I got a raise at work. So for all the epic failure of this year, there has also been some really great accomplishments. This year has been one of great transitions and learning. Learning about what I want, who I am, what I expect and where I want to be.

Both The Boyfriend and I have had some big changes go on at work this year, which we’re still trying to decide if they’re for the best or the worst. I guess we’ll see what 2012 brings. For me, I changed offices, got a new boss, got a ton more responsiblity and started working longer hours. For The Boyfriend, he got a really big promotion with a significant raise, he’s had to adjust to a new boss, new responsibility and a schedule that is all over the place. It’s been interesting to say the least and I think we’re both looking forward to and dreading the new career possibilities.

Now, it’s 2012 and I want this year to be a great year from start to end. I want to complete all my goals, I want to get our lives organized and on track to some sort of destination, and I want us all to be happy. I have very high hopes that this year is our year. And also that the world doesn’t come to an end *crosses fingers*!

This year, unlike last year, I plan to seriously focus on losing some weight, becoming more healthy, and getting my house organized. Those are the top three goals. So, let’s talk about how I plan to achieve these goals.

  1. Wake Up Earlier

    There is no reason at all that I can’t wake up when The Boyfriend gets out of bed. If he can get up at 6:00 AM, then there is no excuse for me not getting up at that time too. It’s only an hour and a little bit before it’s my normal wake up time, and it would be a lot nicer to get out of bed and not have to rush around to get the 4 kids and I ready to leave the house.

    Waking up at 6 will also give me the additional time that if I want to add a workout in the morning, it wouldn’t be impossible. It would be really nice to go back to doing morning workouts like I did before my first boyfriend. It would also give me the time to make a healthy breakfast every morning, which brings us to…

  2. Eat Breakfast Every Day

    By far, this has got to be one of the hardest things in the world for me, next to drinking water… I have never really been a breakfast-type person. I normally don’t get hungry until right around 11:00 AM. But this needs to change for a variety of reasons. First of all, from a metabolic stand point, if I don’t eat breakfast, my body is just going to continue doing what it’s been doing since I had Carter. I’m not going to lose any weight by starving my body – even if I am doing it on an unconscious level! Even if it’s just a Pop-Tart or Nutrigrain bar as I’m walking out the door, any food is better than none.

  3. Drink More Water

    Currently, I hardly drink anything other than Sprite and coffee. I’ve tried adding water to my beverage list many times and normally fail miserably. I’ve never liked the taste of water and it gives me an icky feeling in my stomach. But, I’m almost sure that my body is full of all sorts of miserable toxins. The water will be good for ridding me of some of those. Also, it’s good for me on a whole, everyone says so. I don’t think it should be so hard to add more water. Which takes us to the first “cut back”…

  4. Cut Back on Sprite

    I really drink WAY too much Sprite. A 2L a day of pop isn’t healthy for anyone! It should be more of a treat than an everyday, multiple times a day occurrence.  I need to get over my addiction for pops in general. Before Sprite, it was Pepsi and that was for almost 7 years straight. Sprite’s only been about 3. That’s 10 years of my life that my biggest beverage consumption has been pop. It’s gross when you think about it…

    Last but not least:

  5. Clean Daily!

    I seriously don’t know why this one has been so hard for me to keep up with. It seems like every year, and every six months, and every 3 months, and everyday, I make this goal. I tell myself that I’m going to clean the next day, and when I don’t clean the next day, I promise myself the day after that, and it’s this never-ending vicious circle. I am happy to say that I’ve had ENOUGH!!

    My biggest goal of 2012, the number one thing that I want to accomplish, is getting my house to a state where I’m not embarrassed to have people over, and I’m not disgusted the second I walk in the door, and that I’m not stressing all day everyday about the messes of the house. I want my house clean and I want it organized.

    I know that this goal is probably going to take the longest and it’s going to be harder than losing 30 pounds. It means big changes for me, The Boyfriend and the kids and a lot of time teaching those changes to everyone. It’s going to be a big challenge, but it needs to be done. I’m sick of spending half of my morning searching for things that could easily be found if we just had a dedicated place to put it, and I’m sick of my floor being used a garbage can. I’m tired of cleaning things one day just to have them be right back where they were before I started cleaning. I’m just plain done with these messes.

    We have a few ideas of how we’re going to do this, though we’ll see how they work out. My first mission is to get the upstairs of the house clean and keep it that way. I want the dishes to be done every single day, the living room floor to be vacuumed every single night and all the garbage collected up and taken out – without fail – every day. No more procrastination, no more excuses. It gets done or this Mommy will be very angry!

There are many more goals, which I’m sure I’ll be posting over the next day or two. I know that the list is large where goals are concerned, but these 5 are a great place to start with. Have you set any goals for 2012? What are you hoping to achieve this year?