The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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Maybe It’s The Weather…


I cannot tell you what has gotten into The Boyfriend, but something is definitely changing. Maybe it’s the 12 pounds I’ve lost (although I’d like to think he’s not that shallow) or maybe it’s the warmer weather, maybe it’s that he’s dealing with the stresses of work life better or maybe it’s something else entirely, but I can honestly not remember the last time we had as much sex as we’re having nor can I remember the last time that we both hated being away from each other – we’re literally attached at the hip!

He’s been coming home from work on his lunch break, just so that he can hang out with me and he even takes Keirnan to school for me, so that I only have to make that trek once a day. He’s been a real sweetheart lately, from letting me hog the TV because my body is aching so bad that I don’t want to come on the computer, to letting me play video games even when he’s been craving them all day, to making dinner more than once this week and he even bought me an early Mother’s Day present – one that I’ve been wanting for years!

Then, the sex… There has been so much of it, in so many different ways, I have not wanted for nothing. There have been some disappointing moments, which I’ll get into momentarily, but for the most part, it’s been almost two weeks now of incredible sex every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. And I have no idea what’s going on but I’m not about to complain.

It started on one of his days off, that wasn’t a planned day off. He had gone to the store and when he got back, he made mention of something sexual. I had worn a skirt this day and the idea of that seemed to really excite him. That’s not really a surprise, because he has a strong affection for my legs, but it doesn’t normally make him all ready and raring to go. He came and sat on the couch beside me and slid his hand up my leg as he revealed the perverse thoughts he had on the way to and from the store. I giggled, as I usually do when he talks about these sexual visions of his, but my giggle was cut short by a sudden gasp as he roughly slid his fingers into me.

It took him no time at all to bring me to that first orgasm and I was almost shocked at how fast it had gone. After I was done, he seemed like he was going off to do his own thing, but he came out of the bathroom and said, “You wouldn’t want to sit on my cock, would you?”. He sat down and I straddled him and almost as soon as we started, we were both covered in sweat – his beading down his forehead, mine collecting in the middle of my back. He shoved his head in between my breasts, as I rhythmically bucked my hips wildly back and forth on him. His hands were on the top of my skirt, pulling at it to direct me this way and that on top of him. We collapsed in each other’s arms as the last ripples of orgasm waved over us and as we caught our breath discussed what we loved about that particular session and how much we couldn’t wait to repeat it later on that night, being that this was midday sex.

One night, we had a beautiful mutual masturbation session. He is getting way more skilled with his fingers than he ever has been before, which has resulted in a lot of speedy orgasms on my part – something that is brand new and totally foreign for us. I’m not sure what he’s doing differently, but he says that he’s definitely doing something different. He believes he’s just gotten to know more of what I like and based on the way he’s been playing with things, I’d say he’s incredibly right! I think the thing that made this particular session so beautiful was the timing of it all. We came within seconds of each other and it still had the intimately connected feeling that our sex seems to get so damn right.

Even last night, he was exhausted and more than ready for bed, but still had enough energy for a parting shot. It started out looking like it was just going to be another mutual masturbation session, which I was totally okay with. But after a few moments, he asked rather politely, “Do you think you can make yourself cum if I’m inside you?”, I excitedly responded, “I’ll sure as hell try” and in no time at all, we were both having our orgasms and it was just all around a great time. Based on his lunch break today, I don’t think this particular streak is going to end until at least after the weekend… So, happy weekend for me.

The one big disappointing evening, even though I quickly turned it around so that it didn’t become a huge disappointment, was during the final episode of Star Trek: TNG. It’s not uncommon for us to sit around and watch a TV and for me to play with his genitals during this time. My purpose is never to bring him to orgasm or to even get him turned on, I just like to play and he’ll go in and out of hardness and softness and it’s an exciting precursor to an evening of fun. Recently, I got a cheap version of ace bandages or tensor bandages. I was thinking we could use it for a little bit of light bondage and compression play – things that I’m interested in and he’s never seemed uninterested in. More bondage-esque type things have never been a total no, like impact play is for example.

So, as I’m playing with him, I grabbed my wraps and began to unravel the smallest one. Immediately, he tenses up and his half chubs hard on disappears. I ask, “What’s wrong?” and he says, “I just have a feeling I know what you’re planning to do with that and…” he trails off into silence, with a look on his face that signals that he doesn’t want what I’m proposing. I ask, “Are you uncomfortable?” and he shrugs his shoulders, still with this look on his face, this look that absolutely signaled to me a complete lack of trust. I stopped, dead still.

I kissed him. I didn’t know what else to do. I held his face, and kissed him hard over and over again, my mind literally buzzing with thoughts. I felt like this was the moment to make a very conscious decision about what it is that I want. I kissed him harder and harder, fighting back tears as I decided, I wanted this even without the light bondage. I couldn’t let this one thing make my whole entire night miserable. I could either a) choose to focus harder on the fact that he wasn’t interested in this thing, even though he let me spend the money on it or b) just move on and forget it about it… It felt like I consciously gave up that night…

I went back to bringing him up to hardness again, and I dropped the wrap on the couch and left it alone. I haven’t brought it back up again. There is a big part of me that is just ready to throw in the towel on this whole kink thing for the time being. He’s not in the right head space for it and I’m not the one to try to work him into that head space  Whether it’s being his bottom or his top, I just don’t think he’s there yet. I don’t think he’s ready. And I don’t know if he ever will be…

And I don’t know how or what I feel about that, I don’t know what I’m going to do about it, I don’t know anything right now on that level. It’s one of those things that I’m trying not to let consume me…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Lost


I have spent the last few days in a serious funk. It’s just being relentless and I can’t seem to shake the feeling. It’s most likely being my most vicious funk since we’ve moved into this house and I feel like this one’s going to hard to break, because nothing I do seems to be helping at all. I just keep feeling that all is not well, all is not right and I don’t know what to do with those feelings.

Then, the noise of Facebook got to me again, when I came across an image that says something along the lines of, “If you’re not happy in a relationship, just leave, don’t cheat” and it was like a harsh slap in the face. Especially being that I’ve been considering exactly that a lot lately, though not cheating per se, being that I wouldn’t ever lie to The Boyfriend about it or even just not tell him, I would do exactly the opposite. And it’s not like I’m overall unhappy in my relationship, because that’s also untrue. I’ve never been this happy in a relationship, I’m just not happy all the time about the sex.

And when I’m having the vanilla sex, except for the odd thought about wishing he’d be rougher with me and stop treating me like some delicate breakable flower, it’s really good and fulfilling vanilla sex. It’s sex that I’m happy to be having and that usually leaves me feeling okay about my sex life. But the craving and desire for kink is so heavy that when I’m not in the moment of having vanilla sex, I feel like my sex just isn’t what I want it to be, nowhere close actually.

And I’m sincerely beginning to think that half of my interests in kink would be interests of his if I just never said anything about me being interested in it. It always seems like he’s half interested in the concept of certain kinks, right up until the moment that I say that I’m interested and then he turns to an automatic no and not interested. But what bugs me most is the lack of regard for my interests where sex is concerned.

The other night, I’m researching away. Can’t remember how I got started on the trek that I went on, but I was hardcore looking at stuff on Cuckoldry, something that has always been pretty high up on my interests list. I have never been able to exactly state why any of my interests in kink are what they are, so I couldn’t tell you what it is about cuckoldry that I like so much. And really, I don’t think it’s cuckoldry, as much as it is the idea of me having sex with someone else when he’s not allowed to and while he still has to be involved. I’ve often said that I would love to be polyamorous as long as my partner wasn’t sleeping with anyone…

Because just like him, I’m not very fond of sharing. However, I’ve never been in a relationship like ours where I feel like it’s stable and secure. I mean, I believe in my heart that the only way this relationship would ever end is if I ended it, because I just can’t see him doing it. I’ve never been in a relationship where it doesn’t feel like the guy is still looking for something better (even if that’s not actually what he’s doing, I’ve always had that feeling), but with The Boyfriend, I don’t get that at all. I get that he is perfectly happy and comfortable staying just where we are for the rest of our lives. So for all I know, something like polyamory would work for us because I don’t fear him leaving me for someone else, someone better. Again, something that he is absolutely uninterested in.

I don’t know if it’s maybe because he doesn’t feel like we’re stable and secure or if for him, a relationship just means nothing but monogamy. Something to discuss, I suppose. It’s just so frustrating to have any sexual conversation with him, because sex isn’t as important to him as sex is to me. We see a lot of things very differently where sex is concerned. I’m much more open-minded and expressive about my sexual feelings, he is very close-minded and is definitely not a very expressive man.

I remember writing on one of my old blogs a long time ago, at the very beginning of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, about an experience that I had had in a chatroom. Now, this was long before I had ever gotten my first spanking from him and before we had even really begun discussing my kinks and how they would play into our relationship. We were still just babies to the whole relationship. I had gone into this chatroom and was talking with the whole room, when one of the ladies picked me out of the crowd to essentially say that because The Boyfriend was vanilla and I was not, our relationship wouldn’t last longer than 5 years, because it would tear us apart. And if you haven’t figured out yet why this experience has been on my mind a lot lately, let me fill you in:

The Boyfriend and I will be at our officially 5 year mark in July. And isn’t it kind of crazy that as we’re coming into the end of our 4th year, that’s when I suddenly decide that I’m sick of being complacent about the lack of kink and that I’ve officially lost all hope that he’s not going to revert back to the days of spankings and munches and that I’m seriously considering things like cheating, ultimatums and break-ups?!? It’s just interesting to me and frankly, I don’t know what to do with any of the things I’m thinking or feeling.

I can talk until I’m blue in the face with The Boyfriend about how much his vanilla-ness bugs me and I can whine and complain all the time about wanting a spanking, but it’s not doing anything but making me feel more and more out of place. I’d even go as far as to say that the lack of kinky sex often times feels like it’s intruding on the non-sexual aspects of our relationship, though I’m quick to rationalize those misplaced feelings. But the fact of the matter is that I don’t believe in forcing my sexuality on other people, even other people who share a relationship with me.

If he’s really not interested, there’s nothing I can say or do that will change that for him. I can’t even demand that he compromises or something like that, because that’s not the consent I believe in. I believe in the consent that sounds like, looks like, feels like an unequivocal yes. Nothing more, nothing less. Anything less than that and I’m no longer comfortable. So I’m obviously not going to “force” or coerce his hand to spank my ass and I’m not going to say something like, “Either you tie me up or I’m out of here”, but at the same time, whose happiness am I really sacrificing…?!?

I just feel very lost…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Getting Down to Details


Mine and Jess’ conversation on my last post has been on my mind non-stop for the last 2 days now. I just keep thinking about all the questions she’s asked, all the things that could potentially happen with this idea and I have not been able to stop the constant stream of thoughts. She wants me to get down to details about what it is that I really want out of a kinky lifestyle, what does that even look like for me. And while I can come up with a few things, I feel like I’m just continually blanking. As I’ve said before, over the last few months, even more like a year, I’ve become really uncaring about kink. It’s really sad and hard for me to deal with a lot of times, but when I wasn’t being complacent about it, I was always upset about it and it was beginning to affect the little bit of vanilla sex that I do get. And I’m sure I’ve said this before too, that I’d rather be getting some vanilla sex and no kinky sex than getting no vanilla sex and no kinky sex. So really, this conversation is really shoving in my face how uncaring I have become and that’s being the thing that I’m having the hardest time with. How could I have let myself go like that?!?

Am I getting lost within the confines of my relationship? Am I losing sight of what it is that I have so desperately wanted for so many years? Can I even still call myself kinky when I’ve become the way that I am with it? And what the hell am I going to do about it? I feel like I’m breaking up with a boyfriend that I’ve had for so many years and this is all so sudden… I guess really it’s not, it’s just the first time that I’m really acknowledging it all.

But I figured, Jess had some really great questions about my kinky interests and I’ve never really put all of them together. My interests are kind of scattered over a bunch of posts all over the place and most of them only encompass the things that I know and have experienced and not the things that I want to know and want to experience. So, we’re going to attempt to narrow some things down – wish me luck.

Let’s start with what Jess posted:

“Can I recommend as a follow up post to this that you post exactly what you’re looking for. From this post I get your interested in having others control what you wear. What other aspects of your life are you looking for others so control? Do you have any limits? This way if your asked to do something we know ahead of time what you will/will not do.”

First of all, I notice that I do tend to use the “control what I wear” thing a lot as an example of something kinky. It’s popped up in almost every single post I’ve ever made about my interests in kink, I’m sure of it. That is one little area, that is a lot harder to do than you would think. My wardrobe, as it currently stands, is pretty boring and rather unsexy. Lots of comfy yoga type pants and baggy t-shirts. I rarely ever wear underwear (except for when it’s period time) and I haven’t worn a bra for anything but nights out in mega years. I don’t own a single piece of lingerie and I have one pair of high heels, one pair of winter boots and one pair of runners (which need to be replaced this summer). I dress like a mom… I’m also incredibly un-girly when it comes to how I look on a day-to-day basis. I don’t wear make up, the only things I know how to do with my hair are put them in braids or a ponytail, I never wear perfume and when it comes to products to use, I own so little that most people would probably be shocked. I know men with more product than I have…

But, that’s not really how I want it to be. I want to be the type of person who dresses in a way that would be pleasing to someone else’s eye. I want to be the type of person that wakes up in the morning, an hour early, to perfect my make up and hair. I want to be the type of girl who wears high heels for more than just fulfilling my partner’s fantasy during sex or owns a skirt for something other than just sleeping in. I want to wear a bra for some other reason than to just sit around the house in. That’s probably why I always turn to this particular kink as an example…

Another thing that I’d like to point out is that I haven’t always wanted to be submissive and I haven’t always identified as a S/switch, which is what I currently identify as. Prior to getting with The Boyfriend, it was never really a thought to do anything but dominate. I wanted to be the dominant in a relationship and have my own submissive. But as the 4th baby rolled around and The Boyfriend was naturally more of a leader than I was, it just kind of happened. One day, I was completely interested in nothing but domination and slowly, I found myself being much more interested in being his submissive, submitting to him. As the years have gone on and he’s lost all interest, I’m sticking with the submissive end of things because it’s now where I find comfort – although being that I’ve never really experienced either of them, I can’t really say either way which one I’d chose for sure…

Okay, so let’s get back to Jess’ comment. “What other aspects of your life are you looking for others to control?“, to which I can only only think, “All of them!“. The clothes I wear, the times I sleep, the way I conduct my day, the days I have to shave, the times I’m allowed to be on the computer or watching TV, the foods I’m allowed to eat, the things that I’m allowed to say in certain situations, the eye contact I’m allowed to make, the sex I’m allowed to have, really the possibilities are endless.

When it comes to kink, I have a whole wide variety of interests. I want behavior modification with punishments and rewards, I want impact play and sensation play, I want to be constantly put in my submissive place, always being reminded that I am owned, I am somebody’s and that that is the most important job (next to being a mom) that I have. Pleasing someone. Being what they need or want me to be. Or at least, that’s what I currently view submission for me as…

My only known limits are that I won’t do anything that involves poop, pee and puke (The Three P’s). It’s just not something that interests me at this time in my life. Outside of that, I’m really unsure of what limits I would have, because I have a curious interest in almost everything else. For example, my current list of “Into” and “Curious About” fetishes on my FetLife profile is pretty massive and I haven’t even updated it in awhile – then again, what’s on there is a really good start.

So for now, I’ll just leave you with this list and over time, you’ll notice these items turning into links as I do more in-depth posts about my interests. I’ve also put little stars besides the things on my “Curious About” list that are really high up there on my list of what I want to experience (*), and yes this list doesn’t currently exist… You can also expect to see multiple posts of the same title (with parts 1, 2, 3, etc.) further exploring any other comments that come my way regarding my interests in kink. I imagine this will be an interesting little journey we’ll be taking.

Into:

  • anal beads (giving)
  • ass play (everything to do with it)
  • ass worship (everything to do with it)
  • bare bottom spanking(receiving)
  • bare handed spanking (receiving)
  • biting (everything to do with it)
  • blood (everything to do with it)
  • blow jobs(giving)
  • bondage tape (receiving)
  • breasts (everything to do with it)
  • bruises(receiving)
  • choking (receiving)
  • cocksucking (giving)
  • crops (everything to do with it)
  • cum (everything to do with it)
  • cunnilingus (everything to do with it)
  • cutting(everything to do with it)
  • deep throating (giving)
  • dildos (receiving)
  • erotic literature (everything to do with it)
  • flogging (everything to do with it)
  • foot massage (receiving)
  • foot/feet (everything to do with it)
  • gagging/choked by cock (receiving)
  • hair pulling (receiving)
  • hairbrush spanking (receiving)
  • handcuffs (wearing)
  • handjobs (giving)
  • ice cubes (receiving)
  • impact play(receiving)
  • kissing (everything to do with it)
  • leaving marks (receiving)
  • light bondage (receiving)
  • lingerie (wearing)
  • massages (receiving)
  • masturbation(everything to do with it)
  • monogamy (everything to do with it)
  • music (everything to do with it)
  • mutual masturbation (everything to do with it)
  • nipples (everything to do with it)
  • nudity (everything to do with it)
  • oral sex (everything to do with it)
  • outdoor sex (everything to do with it)
  • scratching (giving)
  • spanking (everything to do with it)
  • swallowing (giving)
  • switching (everything to do with it)
  • talking dirty(everything to do with it)
  • vibrators (everything to do with it)
  • writing erotica(everything to do with it)

And that’s just the things that I’ve had experience with. My list of curiosities is even longer…

Curious about: 

  • corsets (everything to do with it) *
  • 1950s household (everything to do with it)
  • 24/7 (everything to do with it) *
  • abrasion play (everything to do with it) *
  • armbinders (everything to do with it)
  • artistic cutting (everything to do with it) *
  • asphyxiaphilia (everything to do with it)
  • ball gags (wearing) *
  • ballet boots/shoes(wearing)
  • bastinado (everything to do with it)
  • bathroom use control (everything to do with it) *
  • bdsm (everything to do with it)
  • begging (everything to do with it) *
  • behavior modification (everything to do with it) *
  • bellydancing (everything to do with it)
  • belt spanking (everything to do with it)
  • belt whippings (everything to do with it)
  • ben wa balls (wearing) *
  • bisexuality (everything to do with it) *
  • blindfolds(watching others wear)
  • bloodplay (everything to do with it)
  • body modification(everything to do with it)
  • body paint (wearing)
  • body worship (everything to do with it)
  • bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • bondage equipment (everything to do with it)
  • breast bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • breast spanking (everything to do with it) *
  • breast whipping (everything to do with it)
  • breast/nipple torture(everything to do with it)
  • breath play (everything to do with it) *
  • burlesque(everything to do with it)
  • caging/confinement (everything to do with it)
  • candle wax (everything to do with it)
  • caning (everything to do with it) *
  • cbt (giving)
  • chakra energy play (everything to do with it)
  • chastity (everything to do with it) *
  • chastity devices (giving)
  • clamps and clips (everything to do with it) *
  • clothespins(everything to do with it)
  • cock and ball torture (everything to do with it)
  • cock milking (everything to do with it)
  • cock worship (everything to do with it)
  • collar and lead/leash (everything to do with it)
  • collars (everything to do with it) *
  • consensual nonconsent (everything to do with it) *
  • control (everything to do with it) *
  • cornertime (receiving) *
  • corset piercing (everything to do with it)
  • corset training(everything to do with it) *
  • corsetry (everything to do with it)
  • corsets (wearing)
  • costumes/dressing-up (wearing)
  • crawling (everything to do with it)
  • cross dressing (watching others wear)
  • cuckold (everything to do with it)
  • cunt worship(everything to do with it)
  • d/s (everything to do with it)
  • daddy/girl (everything to do with it)
  • decorative cutting (receiving)
  • discipline (everything to do with it) *
  • domestic servitude (everything to do with it) *
  • domination (everything to do with it)
  • double penetration (receiving)
  • e-stim (receiving) *
  • edge play (everything to do with it) *
  • electrotorture (everything to do with it)
  • erotic photography (everything to do with it) *
  • exhibitionism (everything to do with it) *
  • eye contact restrictions(everything to do with it) *
  • female ejaculation (everything to do with it) *
  • fetish wear (wearing)
  • fishnets (wearing)
  • foot worship (receiving)
  • geisha (everything to do with it)
  • glass dildos (receiving)
  • gor(everything to do with it)
  • gorean slave positions (everything to do with it) *
  • grooming (everything to do with it) *
  • high heels (wearing)
  • high protocol(everything to do with it)
  • humiliation (giving) *
  • kneeling (everything to do with it) *
  • knife play (everything to do with it) *
  • latex (wearing)
  • leather (wearing)
  • lesbian domination (giving)
  • maid uniforms (wearing)
  • making home movies (everything to do with it) *
  • masochism (everything to do with it)
  • master/slave (everything to do with it)
  • mental bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • mistress/slave (everything to do with it)
  • multiple orgasms (everything to do with it) *
  • needle play (everything to do with it) *
  • obedience training (everything to do with it) *
  • online play (everything to do with it)
  • orgasm control (everything to do with it) *
  • orgasm denial (everything to do with it) *
  • otk spanking (receiving)
  • outdoor bondage (everything to do with it)
  • paddling (everything to do with it)
  • pain (everything to do with it)
  • pantyhose/stockings (wearing)
  • percussion play (everything to do with it) *
  • piercings (everything to do with it)
  • pinching (everything to do with it)
  • play piercing (everything to do with it) *
  • porn (everything to do with it)
  • power exchange(everything to do with it)
  • pro domme (giving)
  • public play (everything to do with it)
  • pussy worship (everything to do with it)
  • restraints (everything to do with it) *
  • riding crops (receiving) *
  • rituals (everything to do with it) *
  • role play (everything to do with it)
  • rope bondage/suspension (everything to do with it)
  • rubber (wearing)
  • sadism(everything to do with it)
  • sadomasochism (everything to do with it)
  • scarification(receiving)
  • sensation play (everything to do with it) *
  • sensory deprivation(everything to do with it)
  • sensual/slave dances (giving)
  • service-oriented submission (everything to do with it)
  • shibari (everything to do with it)
  • slavery(everything to do with it)
  • smoking (everything to do with it)
  • speech restriction(everything to do with it) *
  • spreader bars (everything to do with it)
  • stockings(wearing)
  • strap-ons (wearing)
  • submission (everything to do with it)
  • subspace(everything to do with it) *
  • tantra (everything to do with it)
  • tattoos (receiving)
  • total power exchange (everything to do with it)
  • toy making (everything to do with it)
  • toys (everything to do with it)
  • uniforms (everything to do with it)
  • voyeurism(everything to do with it)
  • wartenberg pinwheels (everything to do with it)
  • water bondage (receiving)
  • webcams (everything to do with it)
  • whipping(everything to do with it) *
  • whips (everything to do with it)
This post is intended for adults 18+


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The Dominant Web


Okay, so I don’t know how many of you read my last post “Topping from the Bottom – Is This Self-Kink?“, which wasn’t so much what the post was about, as it was the questions that I was pondering regarding the content of the post. If you haven’t read it yet, you might want to.

This post is kind of a follow-up to that post. In the previous post I proposed that you, the wide and vast internet, could be my stranger Dommes and Doms. And since I know a lot of people probably won’t comment right off the bat on a proposition such as this, I thought maybe a poll would be more comfortable and inviting and less interrogating?!? It was recently brought to my attention (thank you again Jess) that if I was at all serious about this, I would have to get down to details and I’m just wondering if I should get down to details or if I should just walk away… What do you think?

Don’t hesitate to leave your comments on either post.

This post is intended for adults 18+


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So Not…


Even though it hasn’t been that long since I last came on the computer, it felt like it took me an incredibly long time to catch up on all the things that I missed yesterday. Yesterday, I was really sick. It had started the night before and I just didn’t feel right and then yesterday, I was so sick that I was either being sick or I was sleeping – the whole day. It was wickedly and brutally intense and I don’t ever want to feel that sick again. However, it only seemed to last a day, so maybe I shouldn’t be so dramatic!

I didn’t expect to get on the computer and have so much to check up on though. But, the wonderful thing about this happening is that I feel a bolt of inspiration that leaves me wanting to do something more, something different. I’ll even let you know what I’m thinking.

It’s been forever and a day since I’ve written any erotica, because I just kind of gave up. There’s a whole bunch of reasons to this, which I won’t really get into right now, but even though I haven’t written any in awhile, I do maintain The Erotic Writers Group on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. Well, when Google+ came out with Communities, I decided to also make a group there for erotic writers and it is taking off rather nicely. And, I’m not even kidding you, it’s an inspiring group. So now I’m thinking, that I might start trying out some erotica again. It’s been a really long time though, so it might take awhile. Need to get out of my negative thinking surrounding sex…

And it’s to the point where it has affected my overall rating of The Boyfriend on questionnaires that we had to fill out. I feel so crappy about not getting any kink whatsoever that it’s just making my entire outlook on sex a negative one. Don’t get me wrong, I love the heck out of every second of vanilla sex that I’m getting and The Boyfriend and I’s relationship has never been healthier or stronger than it is right now, but it’s hard to look at sex as this wonderful and satisfying thing, when it’s simply not as satisfying as I know it could be and desperately crave for it to be.

It’s such a negative way of looking at things…

But seriously people, I’m dead sick and tired of not getting anything kink-related and even more than that, I’m absolutely appalled at how “okay” with that I’ve become. There was a time when his lack of interest didn’t seem to affect my lack of interest. I’d still research the heck out of my interests in kink, I’d still get pleasure from reading blogs from other kinksters and I’d still love to look at pictures and videos and be totally engrossed my thoughts of kinkiness and I’d never lose hope that one day I would have it. But now, every single time I look, I ever single time I read, every single time I research, I feel utter hopelessness.

And when I sit back and actually think about it, it makes me feel really freaking sad and crappy. But most of the time, I’m not thinking about it and so I don’t stay in that sad and crappy place. And since when is that anything like me?!?

Just in case you didn’t catch all the whining going on in the above paragraphs, let me simplify this: “Waaah! I want a spanking!”

I wish that I could even just understand what he doesn’t like about it now. Why was he interested before and why is he not now? And why on earth can he not explain this to me? And it’s not for lack of questioning him about it, he just can’t seem to articulate it. He always just responds with something along the lines of “just because I’m not” or “I don’t really know” and really, that’s not enough for a desire such as this…

So not what I had intended to go off about tonight…

 

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Before She Cheats…


At which point does it become cheating? Is the answer to this question always the same or does it change based on partners and situations? Let’s take a walk down cheater’s lane, shall we…

I have both been cheated on and been the cheater.

The former, a boyfriend went to a big city for a week without me, and went to a gay bar and hooked up with another guy. I didn’t find out until a year later and by that time, it was too long after to be “allowed” much upset. I had always thought he’d cheat on me with a girl, so had a difficult time dealing with the fact that it was with another guy…

The latter, well I cheated on The Boyfriend for the first four months of our relationship. I came clean about it right before we said I love you for the first time. I hated and regretted the entire thing, strongly believed that I had a good reason for doing it in the first place and more than all that, I was incredibly thankful that The Boyfriend refused to let it tear us apart.

Alfie had broken up with me after 3 kids and 6 years. And while we were broken up, we were still having sex when The Boyfriend came into my life. Technically, he had been there the entire time Alfie and I were together – he was one of Alfie’s childhood friends afterall… But I had never really thought much of him until he started coming around after Alfie and I had broken up. Then he was absolutely my knight in shining armor.

By this point, things between Alfie and I are tense, to say the least. Our relationship had reached the height of verbal and physical abuse, we were totally dependent on one another, and tempers were always at an ultimate high. Alfie did not like all the time The Boyfriend and I were spending together and we were still sleeping together – Alfie and I, not The Boyfriend and I. But then, that changed.

Alfie made life a living hell. Long story short, to keep the hell at bay (at the time, I convinced myself I was doing it for the good of the kids), I continued sleeping with Alfie while navigating the beginnings of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship.

He knew it all along but never had confirmation. He acted oblivious about it, but there is no way he couldn’t have known. Alfie would often spend the night and for awhile, The Boyfriend would come over in the morning and walk in to Alfie and I sleeping in the same room. Alfie would get drunk at my house and then tell The Boyfriend right to his face. He definetely knew…

Finally, I came clean about it. We were getting serious and he had been through too much. I no longer had the energy or desire to keep Alfie’s hell at bay. It wasn’t good for anyone and it didn’t help at all. I wrote him a letter…

He took the whole thing better than I could ever have anticipated. Things were tense for awhile and I allowed him to express his feelings however he needed to. Rules were put into place regarding Alfie and I and things between The Boyfriend and I soon returned to normal.

But, why am I writing about this?

Well… I’ve been thinking about cheating a lot lately. Not necessarily doing it, but yes, doing it… Not even in a sexual way so much as a kink way. I’m swiftly getting to the point where I would do just about anything to just get my ass slapped! I mean, it’s to the point now where so much of my day is spent thinking about “cheating” just to get a spanking, that I’m afraid this desire is going to absolutely consume me.

And it’s not just spanking. It’s all the things I want. Someone to control me, someone to assist me in further exploring my sexuality, someone to give me rules and someone to dole out my punishments. Someone to tie me up, someone to gag me, someone to keep me on my toes (literally and figuratively…). And no matter how much I beg The Boyfriend, nothing at all is changing. I feel like, if anything, we’re moving further and further away from ever returning away from kink.

And frankly, I’m losing all hope

I feel like every single turn I make, I’m being denied what I feel I want. I want to take erotic pictures and get an automatic and non-negotiable “no”. I want to get a spanking and get an “I’m not interested” that can’t even be discussed. And even just regular vanilla sex is becoming harder and harder to get. I mean, yes, he puts out for me. But I don’t think it’s at all because he wants to be having sex, I think it’s because he feels obligated to.

This just sucks…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Porn and Fisting


So, last night… Last night…

It started as soon as The Boyfriend got home from work. I had been trying to watch a movie on Netflix all day and could not get everyone quiet enough to be able to hear it. Luckily, bedtime wasn’t far away and I was able to finish “After Porn Ends”.

For a long time, as some of you are probably aware, I’ve wanted to do porn. Since the very first time I watched porn. I’ve also recently been propositioned by two different people who would be interested in helping me at least put a portfolio together, again something I’m incredibly interested in.

I’ve told The Boyfriend about my interests from the very beginning of our relationship, I’ve been honest and open about every proposition since they started. So last night, after spending all day messaging back and forth, asking tons of questions with my photographer friend, I said to The Boyfriend, “I really want to do porn!”, to which he hastily responded something along the lines of, “You can’t!”.

I spent the rest of the night in the most terrible funk and I have this feeling that it’s going to last awhile. First of all, I hate that we don’t have a conversation about this. It’s one sentence from each of us and in those sentences, there isn’t any room for negotiation. I hate that we can’t even hypothetically discuss boundaries and limitations and just our feelings about it in general.

I also hate that all these things that he knew I was interested in having as part of my life from the very beginning of our relationship, are being completely neglected because he makes the decision that they should be. I came into this relationship saying that I wanted to be in porn, that I wanted kink as a real and physical part of my life,that I wanted to leave the vanilla existence behind. I laid it all out for him and I’ve been flat out denied it all.

It makes me feel all sorts of negative things about him, about me, about our relationship. It makes me feel hopeless and disappointed and terribly sad. This is not what I signed up for. I did not sign up for never getting a spanking again, I did not sign up for having someone else dictate what I can and cannot do with my body, I did not sign up for constantly having my desires denied…

Part of me wants to tell him, “It’s my body, my life, my choice and you can either support me and what I want or you cannot – in which case, we have some important discussions to have and decisions to make.”. But that’s not the way I want to deal with it. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum…

I want him to open up his mind a little bit and actually put more than two seconds of thought into these decisions. I want him to actually be curious about my interests before just shutting them down. I want him to think about how his automatic no’s are affecting me and more than that, our relationship. I want us to actually talk about it all.

I spent all night making it known that I was not impressed, that I was upset. We watched another movie about porn and throughout the movie, I would make snarky comments about my desire to do these pictures, but nothing more was said on his part.

After the movie, we got ready for bed and I was completely taken aback when his hand traveled to my leg and began gently caressing it. He grabbed my legs and pulled them open, frantically working his hand around the treasures that lie within. Even though I was heartbroken and upset, I was not about to turn down sex…

His cock was raging and within seconds, his hand was utterly drenched in all my wetness. Slowly, he added another finger and another finger, until he had his entire hand inside of me. I thought it was so weird, because just the night before we had been talking about fisting and how much neither of us was really interested in it and here we were, a night later doing exactly that…

It reminded me so much of our first time trying anal. He kept checking in, “Are you okay?”, and his whole demeanor was gentle, caring, and absolutely sexy. He knelt down and worked his hand more and it felt intense, but then he introduced his tongue in the mix. My pussy was completely stuffed full and now my clit was being sucked and nibbled on and my entire body was shaking. He looked up at me and in this totally hot voice asked, “Can I put my finger in your tight little asshole?”.

Honestly, at this point I probably would’ve said yes to anything. I was so close to orgasm as it was. I was so wet that he was able to easily work his way around and once the hand in my vag and the finger in my ass were situated, he dove down and nestled his face back between my legs. I don’t think I’ve ever cum so fast. One suck on my clit and I was there.

He disengaged, which was the oddest sensation in the world before coming up to meet me face-to-face. I was so worried that after having all five fingers in there that I would just feel like a gaping hole, so was beyond surprised when only a few thrusts in, he was cumming hard.

So apparently, we don’t have such a problem with fisting…