The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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Quarter-Life Crisis, Part 2


In the previous post, I finished off with:

“Don’t get me wrong in anyway. I love The Boyfriend in a more deep and profound way than I think I’ve ever loved anyone. I have never experienced such a wonderful and amazing relationship that I believe is strong and stable in every single way possible. I never look at him and think “Oh my god, I wish this relationship would just end already” and I have not thought once about breaking anything off with him. On the contrary. I’ve been thinking heavily about spending the rest of my life with this man and how for the first time in my life, I seriously cannot wait to be married. I cannot wait to have him propose to me, I cannot wait to wake up to his face every single morning for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to grow old together. I really do love him so much.”

With all of what I said in the last post, I just find that every single time that I do anything to show my love for The Boyfriend, I’m often stopped dead in my tracks thinking and analyzing and it sends me into a spiral of general blahness. What am I thinking and analyzing about? Well mostly, I’m thinking about how I have completely neglected and even turned off my desires almost, because he’s not interested. And while I basically just ignored that for a really long time, the desire has come back and it’s come back with a vengeance  The worst part is, I didn’t even ignore it, I sincerely believed that I could control my desires and I sincerely believed that I could suppress them until he was ready to be interested again.

Then, I realized that it’s been well over two years since I last had a spanking, and the kinkiest thing we’ve done in that two years is have anal sex or maybe the fisting (although it didn’t feel kinky while we were doing it…). I was shocked and appalled.  Two freaking years! You’ve gotta be kidding me?!? And for two years, I have not been my (as Dr. Gloria Brame would put it) “Authentic Sexual Self“. I haven’t even been close to it. I’ve forced myself to enjoy over and over again the same ole vanilla sex and I’ve convinced myself that any vanilla sex is better than no kinky sex. And none of these thoughts are as bad as the one that stops me dead in my tracks every single time:

Why can’t he just compromise?

Okay, so you’re not comfortable with 24/7 total power exchange, and you’re not comfortable with the rewards and punishments. Fine. But is it so hard to just every once and awhile, agree to spank me? Is it so hard even to just every once and awhile be a little bit rougher with my breasts? And maybe I’m the only one who does it. I mean, I don’t really like anal sex all that much and yet I still do it because I know he really enjoys it and desires it. And strictly because of how much he enjoys it, I end up walking away from anal sex most of the time with an orgasm. It’s a win-win situation. Do I do it because I want to be having anal sex? No! I do it because he wants to be having anal sex and I don’t mind doing it for him. Again, I even get pleasure from it!

And it would be entirely different, my thinking would be so much different on this, if I had never had a spanking from him or had never been taped and restrained by him. I wouldn’t be thinking any of these thoughts if he didn’t used to pound the shit out of me and wrap his hands around my throat! I would be more understanding about his lack of interest. And for the most part, I have been really understanding. How do you think we got to the point where I let my desires go by the wayside for two fucking years?!? And frankly, I feel like being done with understanding!

I’ve been waiting until his next days off to really have a conversation about this with him, because I want to figure something out. I want to figure out what we’re going to do about getting me closer to being my “Authentic Sexual Self”, somewhere closer to where I was when I was pregnant with Carter (and something that doesn’t involve me getting pregnant again… thank you very much! haha). I just don’t like where I’m at right now and I’m sick of this stupid emotional roller coaster ride that I’m on over SEX!


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Quarter-Life Crisis, Part 1


I kind of feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster ride right now. Maybe it’s post-period-hormones or maybe it’s all the thoughts that I’ve been thinking the last couple of day or maybe it’s the fact that the sun keeps giving me headaches so I’ve been living in the dark as much as possible (by keeping my curtains closed) or maybe it’s none of those things and it’s something else entirely that I just haven’t acknowledged yet or it could even be all of the above…

One second, I feel almost elated. I feel joy and peace and happiness and like the world around me is light and relaxed and calm. And usually, the things that are going on in these moments evoke those types of feelings. I’ve spent a lot of times being close with the kids these last few days. Their behaviors have all been relatively top notch, Kaeidyn and I haven’t really argued in days, the most I’ve had to put up with is noisiness and the occasional tantrum from Kenzie. Carter I guess has been worse than usual, but it seems so minor compared to what I normaly have to deal with… I’ve also spent a lot of time on the computer actually getting things done, even though it may not seem like it, and that feels really good too. I always feel better after a good computer session.

Other areas that I’ve been doing really good in include the cleaning (at least on the main level of the house), which hasn’t gotten too out of control over the last week or so and for that reason, it’s been incredibly easy to keep up on. And I’ll let it go for a day or so before I’ll do another good clean and the biggest mess we’ve had is paper. I’ve been doing the dishes on a regular basis and insisting that the garbage get changed frequently. All in all, the cleaning has been good. Waking up has been going relatively well too. While I’m still sleeping in later than I would like to, at least now I’m waking up consistently at the same time every day.

We also got a huge boost in parenting confidence the other day, when we had our program worker come to the house to do an observation of us as a family. She wanted to see us do an activity together as a family, so we made some paper airplanes. All the kids have been getting more and more into paper airplanes now that they’ve discovered they can make them all by themselves, which is why there has been so much paper all around. So we chose to make paper airplanes so the kids could show off their skills, plus, the only other real activity we do as a family is play video games or go for walks…

She was really impressed with The Boyfriend and the way he would help the kids figure out how to copy his “jets”. Of course he is really good at giving instructions because he is a manager after all, but he is especially cute when he’s doing it with kids. He has so much patience for them. She was also impressed that the kids and I have a way of talking without ever using words, like when Kaeidyn and I were talking and Keirnan interrupted, I put my finger up for him to wait a minute and he actually waited. I never really noticed that we did this but now that I think about it, it happens for a whole bunch of things. Mostly things that mean that they are supposed to stop something. We also do things like I love you, rock on and Live Long and Prosper to each other, because we’re all nerds like that.

So all in all, there’s been lots of reasons to be up pretty high on the roller coaster. But over the last two days, the first two after my period, I’ve been having massive swings into sudden and overwhelming blahness. It’s not even sad, it’s just a general state of blah. Like I don’t know how I feel in these moments, because it’s kind of like not feeling at all. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel angry, I just don’t really feel anything. In these moments, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be there, I just don’t… And while these moments almost never last very long, they’ve been on my mind. I keep trying to analyze them or something, trying to figure out what they mean or what’s causing them, but often times that analyzing is what’s sending me into them.

And a lot of times, it’s happening over small stuff with The Boyfriend, that sends me into the spiral. Nothing really all that crazy either. For example, he comes home from work last night and he’s incredibly sore. He thinks he’s having a quarter-life crisis, like a mid-life crisis but in his 20’s. He’s not feeling as sprite as he used to and it’s affecting him and we both believe that it’s more mental than it is actually physical. His brain is saying “Okay, you’re 26 now, that’s when we said that you were an old man” and he’s being reminded of his family saying things like “You’ll feel that when you’re older”, which apparently 26 is older, so because his brain is saying all these things, his body is feeling his age.

So, for the first time in our relationship, through broken wrists and spinal taps, for the first time, I’m hearing him whine. Now I’m a whiner, so I have no right to say anything about him whining and I’m absolutely not complaining. I think it’s cute that he’s whining. But here I am, never hearing him whine before, and I’m clueless as to how to support him through this big mental/physical struggle he’s going through. I know how I would want to be supported through it, but I’ve also never been a very strong (physically speaking) type of person but he has and I’m sure his pride is suffering somewhere in there. I’m still not exactly sure how to support him through it but I figure I’ll just wing it and see what works.

However, every time I do support him, it seems to send me into a spiral of thinking and analyzing. And I guess to a degree, this all has to do with really realizing that I’ve been rejecting a huge part of me because of our relationship, so really it’s clouding all my thinking about our relationship.

Don’t get me wrong in anyway. I love The Boyfriend in a more deep and profound way than I think I’ve ever loved anyone. I have never experienced such a wonderful and amazing relationship that I believe is strong and stable in every single way possible. I never look at him and think “Oh my god, I wish this relationship would just end already” and I have not thought once about breaking anything off with him. On the contrary. I’ve been thinking heavily about spending the rest of my life with this man and how for the first time in my life, I seriously cannot wait to be married. I cannot wait to have him propose to me, I cannot wait to wake up to his face every single morning for the rest of my life and I cannot wait to grow old together. I really do love him so much.

This next bit may get sexual, so click through to read it if you’re interested…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Beautiful Stuff Going on Down There


Well, two weeks into the month of December and we finally had sex. I think this is the longest we had ever gone without having sex, because we were both so sick. Last night, there was no way I could wait any longer. I was doing surprisingly good though, considering I normally get to day 3 and I’m flipping out about it but this time around, I was just too sick to really care.

Last night, I was itching something fierce. I couldn’t stop thinking about sex and The Boyfriend in general. Every single move he would make, every nerdy thing he would say, every time he looked at me, it was like a twinge would go all the way down my back until it was safely nestled in my pelvis. I took a bath and got nice and shaved for him and then crawled into bed. Ever the sweet lover that he is, he spent a good long time massaging my body, which has been relentlessly sore due to this cold. I even got a mini-ass massage which I haven’t had in a really long time. By the time we were laying down getting ready for sex, I was on fire with passion.

He asked if we could watch porn, which originally I was pretty upset about, but then once it got turned on really didn’t care either way. I always take it as a burn at first when we haven’t had sex in awhile and the first time we do, he wants to watch porn. It always makes me feel like I’m simply not enough to get him turned on, even though I have no real reason to think that. If I had said no to the porn, he still would’ve gotten turned on and still would’ve had sex with me. But all in all, I was quite pleased that we watched porn.

First was a video that is shorter than we typically go for when we’re picking porn, but it was a really great video. We’ve been looking for awhile for something with two girls and a double dildo. I’d never personally seen one before and The Boyfriend seriously has this thing for girls fucking other girls with objects, even though it’s only something he enjoys watching and definitely not something he’ll even consider doing. So the first video was two girls and big pink Joymii and while the video itself wasn’t hella great, the idea of it had us both going pretty wild right off the bat.

I kept going off about how I wanted to do that and how that would be a wonderful birthday present one year, a Joymii and a girl to use it on. For the most part, when I start talking about me and sexual activities with other girls, it makes him tense up and his reaction is never exactly what I expect it to be. The idea of me with someone else really bothers him and makes him intensely jealous. I’ve never seen him react to anything like he does when I mention me with someone else, especially other girls. He reached over and put his hand between my legs and I was quickly shut up about my girl-on-girl fantasies.

While he was only lazily playing, just him being that close made me feel like I was on the verge of cumming. I didn’t want to cum yet. I rolled on my side and told him to snuggle up close, but that there was to be absolutely no penetration. Our genitals disagreed. Every time we moved, penetration was inevitable. Eventually, I just stopped trying and allowed the penetration to happen. We carried on for awhile with me on my side, more teasing than actually having sex. Then, I rolled on my back and we continued on this way for quite some time. I grabbed my handheld mirror and we watched the penetration up-close. It turned me on that much more when he got very excited over the mirror and the look on his face was just of such appreciation – I’m sure the look on my face was much the same. We truly have some beautiful stuff going on down there!

By this point, I had had to stop myself from cumming multiple times. Any time his hands would reach down, I’d quickly grab them away because I just didn’t want to cum yet, it felt too soon. I rolled him onto his back and climbed on top. Have I ever told you how much I seriously love being on top with him. I’ve never had a guy respond the way he does. He gets so excited and he enjoys it so much and it’s just written all over every ounce of him. I was not going very fast and kept myself at a really steady pace as he shoved his face into my breasts, squeezing them together and just watching their every movement.

He reached down and grabbed on to my hips, “You gotta slow down or I’m going to cum”. I stopped moving. I went completely still but my vag was pulsing so hard, I couldn’t help it. He grabbed harder onto my hips, “I can’t wait anymore!” and he quickly thrust as he came hard. I stayed grinding on his cock, his pubic mound perfectly caressing my clit. Within moments, I was curling up into his chest, cumming hard and for what felt like a very long time. In the moment of orgasm, my body got really hot and I felt dizzy and breathless. I gripped onto him and held him until the very final moments of the orgasm.

After the sex, he fell almost immediately to sleep. I could not get close enough to him. I just wanted to be completely encompassed by him and I felt so deeply in love with him. It probably didn’t help that I had spent the night reading through old blog posts and reminiscing about our entire relationship, so I was already feeling more lovey-dovey towards him. The loving feeling had carried on to this morning, as I snuggled him more than I ever have before he’s had to go to work and could not stop telling him just how much I loved him. It was a wonderful night and I’m so glad that it finally happened. Too much longer of no sex and I probably would’ve been primed to pulverize something… Can I just say, I can’t wait to do that again!

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Broaching the Subject


I think it’s about time that we have a serious discussion. Not me and you, dear reader. The Boyfriend and I. I am beginning to feel all sorts of negative emotions surrounding our sex life. And while I’d like to say it’s the fact that I’m getting vanilla sex and no kinky sex and that’s solely where the problem lies, unfortunately that would be a lie. It’s the vanilla sex too.

First of all, I am incredibly horny. Like all the time style. I feel like if I don’t orgasm at least once a day, I will explode. I have been thinking non-stop about sex, it’s been showing up in my dreams constantly, it’s always on my mind. And I’m sick of treating that like it’s some kind of problem. Like I’m some kind of nymphomaniac or sex addict. Because that’s not the case! I’m just simply horny…

And it wouldn’t be a problem, me being this horny all the time, if I knew for a fact that I would be able to get off at least once a day without worrying about anything else. But, he’s too tired. And not because he’s actually too tired, because he forces himself to be. Last night, I made it very clear that I was very turned on and would love to have an orgasm. But he decided it was too late and he had to get up early for work in the morning. Then he proceeded to watch Futurama for the next hour. Too tired for sex but not tired enough for Futurama. Needless to say, I just stayed up late masturbating while he fell asleep next to me.

His priorities, on a sexual level, are just all messed up. It’s been 4 years now, he knows what I’m like sexually and I just feel like it’s being completely ignored. Who cares that Val needs an orgasm tonight or who cares that Val’s been begging for a spanking and who cares that Val wants oral sex? No one, that’s who!

I feel terrible for bitching about this at all. When he does give me sex, which is still often, just not as often as I feel I need it, it’s amazing and wonderful sex. It’s not like he leaves me hanging for weeks without orgasm and it’s not like he’s an ass when he does say no to sex. He’s honestly a wonderful, incredible, beautiful lover. But I’m having a hard time not feeling like I’m completely neglecting a huge part of myself. A huge part!

I want to have a conversation with him and figure out how we can solve this issue, before it completely tears us apart. Honestly, what I really want, and it’s totally not the right way to be thinking at all, is for him to let me go off and explore with other people the things that I need to experience. I want him to say that I can masturbate whenever I feel I need it, I want him to say that I can find a girlfriend, I want him to say that I can go to munches and play parties by myself and I want him to give me permission to start a secondary  type of relationship. And just thinking it makes me feel like a massive hypocrite.

I get upset when he watches porn or downloads a strip poker app without me. It turns into big fights – the only fights we’ve ever had. Again, I still say the biggest reason is the sneaking around, doing it behind my back and lying about it, but still. How can I possibly think that doing any of what I described in the paragraph above would help our relationship?!? Not that our relationship really needs any help. It’s just me!

Maybe I want too much. Maybe I just have to be patient. But straight up, I’m sick of being patient. I was 14 when I first discovered my interests in kink and 16 when I became really serious about those interests. And to this day, I can count the number of times that I’ve gotten to have even just a taste at the experience of those interests on one hand, maybe with the addition of 1 or 2 fingers. I just feel like I’m being neglected…

Like my desires, my interests, my fantasies are all being neglected. Are all being tossed out and ignored and I am so sick of it. I’m sick of these stupid vanilla relationships where the mere mention of enjoying a hand around the throat, throws my partner into thoughts of freaky, twisted things. I want to be able to have sex at any moment of the day that I get all hot and bothered, I want to have sex in places other than my bed in positions other than missionary, I want so badly to get my ass spanked so hard that I’m left with marks for days on end and I want to feel like after I’ve had an orgasm, that I’m absolutely satisfied, not that I could go for another one or another hundred.

I don’t even know how to start a conversation with him that will be in anyway constructive, when I feel so personally attacked by this shit…


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Q & A: Why?


Recently, I was chatting with a bunch of people on CollarMe and it seems that it’s a hard-to-understand situation The Boyfriend and I are in, with him being completely vanilla and me so desperately desiring kink in my life. Sometimes, I have to remind myself of the reasons and other times, it’s just what makes sense. So here’s my answer to the question: Why do you stay with him?

That’s an easy question to answer: I love him. He came into my life when I wasn’t looking for it at all, he put up with a lot of shit to get to be with me, and he’s been the best thing that’s ever happened to me (though I think, I’m technically considered a bad mom if I don’t include that the kids are also the best thing that have ever happened to me).

Being that I can be sexually satisfied without kink, even though I desperately crave it, it doesn’t make sense to end a perfectly great relationship just to get that one thing. Plus, there was also a time when I did get it with him and I’d like to believe when we’re at a stage where a spanking won’t wake our young kids up, that I might get it again…

Yeah, it’s not an ideal situation and I spend many hours questioning my reasons for sticking around, but then I look at what we have and what we’ve always had and what we might end up having in the future and it all just looks too good to walk away from.

Just wanted to share that. I love him, pure and simple. It’s been a great 4 years babe!

This post is intended for adults 18+


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The Natural Progression Of It All


I’ve been talking to a new person on FetLife who has me answering a lot of questions about my interests in BDSM and I realized, just now, that I’ve been totally neglecting my desires in that area. I’ve been completely and one hundred percent ignoring that part of me. I know now that when The Boyfriend spanks me playfully during dinner making or cleaning, that it is nothing but an non-erotic tease, and I have just come to accept that. And it saddens me when I think about it.

I remember so vividly (especially being that I just read through my old blog a couple days ago…), a time when I used to be so much closer to kink. When the idea of not getting it was an all-consuming fear that I worked hard to ensure wouldn’t happen. Where did my passion for kink go? When did I become okay with having nothing but vanilla sex, unless you’re like me and count one time of anal as kinky sex…?

When did I become so damn complacent about my own kinky happiness?

I don’t know when it happened, and I don’t know why it happened, but I think subconsciously, I gave The Boyfriend permission to stop being interested, somewhere along the line. I mean yes, he stopped showing interest all on his own, but I never explored that sudden lack and I never pushed for anything different. The most I’ve done is complained about how I used to get it and how I don’t anymore.

He seems so much less receptive to the entire concept of it than he used to be. Albeit, I was able to sucker him into watching a bdsm-esque porn the other night, he didn’t seem like he cared at all about what was on. The sex afterwards was also surprisingly gentle for the rough sex we had just watched moments before. It’s just odd to me how different it is.

He compensates for the lack of kink with this undying love and affection towards me, which half the time I truly believe he’s faking, even though I’ve never seen one iota of an indication that that’s what it is. He is, in all aspects and facets of what I know of him, completely sincere. Like today…

I’m making dinner, as usual, and for some reason whenever he sticks around with me out there, I feel much more passionate than I normally would. I tend to feel more confident, even though I normally look rather drab. I’m playful when I’m making dinner and enjoy things like play fighting or being cheeky. Don’t ask me why, it’s just a thing. And as we’re playing around out there, he won’t stop saying he loves me. It seemed like every time I laughed, every time I flinched, every time I punched him, an I love you would escape his lips.

Instead of being happy, instead of saying I love you back one hundred times, I kept saying, “What did you do wrong?”, as if you have to do something wrong to be in love with me. Then again, he was getting pretty repetitive. Then, I ask him to tell me something interesting, and he goes, “You’re beautiful”, to which I of course, roll my eyes. Then, “I was going to save this for later, but you are officially the longest I’ve ever been in a relationship” and I was like “Awe!! That’s so cute!”

He hasn’t been mushy like that in a while and I forgot how much I had missed it. I remember that he used to be so cheesy with his one-liners. Cheesy and way kinkier… Where did all of that go for us? Is that just the natural progression of the long-term relationship? And if it is, am I okay with that?

NOTE: This post was originally written over a month ago. Some of these thoughts have now changed.

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Bittersweet Relief


 

Last night was absolutely bittersweet. On one hand, the 3-hour-long sex session was out of this world! On the other hand, the tired discussion afterwards, sucked hardcore… And surprisingly, I wasn’t disappointed by it. I was, in that instant, relieved to finally know for sure. Today, I kind of have no feelings towards it. Probably a hardcore case of denial, also known as, watch for the pending doom…

So, the 3-hour-long sex session began after I watched a few movies on Netflix. The last one I watched was Public Sex, which is essentially about Dogging. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this movie to much of anyone, because I didn’t think it was that great. In every area that I thought it would be really great, and for every time that they built up to something great, it just kind of fell short. But I wasn’t expecting greatness going into it, so it wasn’t a surprise. The movie did little in the way of getting me turned on, but it definitely gave me a craving to watch porn.

Which almost seems like it’s now become “a part” of The Boyfriend and I’s sex routine. I don’t know if I can remember the last time we had sex without having porn on. And, it’s not normally him who initiates this at all. I mean, I guess a few of those times. But for the most part, I turn it on without even asking. Then, we go through and laugh at all the various funny titles and usually pick together the one’s we’d like to watch. Last night was a little bit different, because at first, I picked what I wanted to watch without letting him have a say and then I made him pick one without me having a say.

This time was also different, because I pointed out everything in every video that I really liked. Of course, during all of these videos, we’re not just watching. We’re playing or fucking or sucking, normally both of us holding off on cumming until the very end. I’m going to call that whole thing playing, the building up to orgasm. So normally, when we’re playing, he tends to not pay much attention to the porn. Every once and awhile we’ll both glance over for a moment, or we’ll watch it during one of our smoke breaks, but once we’re place the basic foreplay and have delved into playing, we’re normally pretty involved in what we’re doing. But last night, I asked him to stay watching the porn for some of my favorite things and things I’d really like to try, like squirting during double penetration and eating a girl out in front of him without him being allowed to touch. There wasn’t much said on his part, but it definitely didn’t put a damper on any sexual activity.

By the time he put his chosen porn on, it hardly got watched. We talked about the girls’ skirt and which one he’d prefer on me and which one I’d prefer on me, and then the porn hardly got paid attention to at all. I don’t know if this is a new interest of his or if he’s always had an interest in girl-on-girl strap-on sex, but he’s showing off that interest a lot more recently. I’ve never really been into girl-on-girl strap-on sex, though I’ve never hated it either. I wouldn’t pick it out of a group of videos, but I wouldn’t turn it off if it was put on, if that makes sense.

Moments later, we were cuddling, coming down from equally amazing and surprisingly sudden orgasms that neither of us thought were going to happen when they did. Of course, this was the first thing we discussed during our post-sex discussion ritual. Then, we recounted our favorite moments and the things to include in future sessions, like we always do. And then, as I was caressing his finger tips and forearms, I told him that I had something to ask him, but didn’t want him to take it the wrong way.

You could feel his entire body tense, dreading the question to come. Before I thought more about asking the question, dreading the answer that may follow, I quickly dived and gently thread the words together, “Do you think there is ever a chance that we will be on the same page sexually?”. I’m not even sure that he hesitated before answering, “No, but I’m worried about saying that.”

At first, I felt this extreme disappointment wash over me and it was hastily followed with this sudden relief, because at least now I know. I know that all my dreaming, while with him, is pointless. It’s a relief because I can now stop thinking that there might be a chance that one day in the future he may spank me. And when I asked why he was worried, his response was, “Because, I’m worried you’ll say ‘Then, what’s the point!’ and I don’t want that.” and I said that I don’t want that either. Because I don’t.

I’ve always said that I don’t want to break things off with him over a sexual thing like this, when I know there are ways for us to get around this. For both of us, to some degree, get what we want and be happy. If some other area of our relationship were bad, then it’d be different and my thoughts would be something other than what they are. But it’s not like that for us. Every area of our relationship is really great, that ruining it just because he can’t fulfill my kinks, makes absolutely no sense. The vanilla sex is really good, the communication between us is good, the feelings we have for each other are strong and real and important. I can’t see tossing all that away to just have a chance at getting into a kinky relationship, that may or may not be as fulfilling and satisfying as this relationship.

I wanted to talk more. I wanted to ask more questions and be the eager beaver that I normally am when it comes to these things. But instead, I stepped back from the experience that I was in and am now beginning to think about how I plan to progress from here. And honestly, that part worries me the most. What am I going to do with this information? Today, I feel like I could care less about it. I’m writing this post because I feel it’s necessary, not because I’m actually actively thinking about the situation. I seem to be rather unbiased about it right now and I’m convinced that’s my version of denial.

I foresee my future emotions, over the next coming days and weeks. I see bitterness, sadness, acceptance, anger, obsession, complacency, hope, maybe even humor. I foresee many more attempts at many more unsuccessful and discouraging conversations. I foresee some irrationality on my part and some stress on his. I foresee an inconsistent wave of blog posts coming up when I really start thinking about the conversation and I see me spending more time than I’d like, thinking about this…

For now, I’m going to focus on today…