The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Electronic Junkies…


I don’t know why I keep raising my boys to be total electronics junkies. With Kenzie, it was all about playing video games. The constant asking, the constant whining when he couldn’t and though he’s not as bad now as he was 2 years ago, he’s not cured. Keirnan, it seems to be Netflix. He gets upset when he doesn’t get to hold the paddle, when he doesn’t get to pick the show or when he just doesn’t get to watch it.

Cater, my sweet little Carter, is obsessed with the computer. I mean, worse than any of the other boys are obsessed with their things. He wakes up in the morning and wants to play on the computer. When we lock the computer, he’ll sit there attempting to write in passwords, clicking around on all the Ease of Access stuff and finally, he will get frustrated and just turn off the computer. Then he’ll turn it on again, thinking that password screen will no longer be there.

Once The Boyfriend and I are up and moving around, we’ll kick him off the computer and he’ll scream and cry and freak out that it’s his computer and that it’s his turn on it. If we don’t get on it the second he’s been kicked off, he’ll sneak onto it constantly, until eventually we don’t notice him sitting there playing his games!

It’s beginning to become the most annoying part of the day…

In other news, Kaeidyn’s still insisting on sleeping downstairs. She gives it a shot upstairs in her room but the sounds get to her and she eventually moves downstairs. The Boyfriend wants to get tougher on her and make her stay up there for longer before she’s allowed to come down, but I just feel bad for her. Explains why I let the kids stay sleeping in my bed until they were in Kindergarten!!

A lot of times, we’ll wake up in the morning to all the kids sleeping down here. I’m still having some issues falling asleep at night. For over a week, The Boyfriend and I didn’t go to bed until at least 4 in the morning. Just too worried about all the sounds. Some nights I’ll get away with not having to move the dresser in front of the door, but more often than not, I’m still asking for that dresser there every night. I’ll just stay up too long sketching about every noise if I don’t. But at least the actual break-in isn’t on our minds much anymore.

Well, that’s pretty much this last week in a nutshell. Boring, I know, but that’s life sometimes. How’s your week been going?


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I Am Angry…


I did so well that first night. A couple Smirnoff Ice’s and I fell asleep easily and like a baby. Last night, sans alcohol, the story was not the same. I tossed and turned and frantically jumped at every single noise for the first 4 hours after going to bed. Once I did fall asleep, I couldn’t stay that way and then, 8 AM rolls around and my alarm goes off. I hit snooze when suddenly rat-a-tat-tat at the door.

Yesterday morning, the guy who broke into the house out of sheer fear comes by at the crack of dawn to apologize for what he had done. Because our door was busted, we rigged a dresser up in front of it to keep it shut. I couldn’t move it out of the way, so shouted through the door that we thanked him for his apology and were sorry for all of what was happening to him and his family. I thought that would be it…

But this morning, the guys mother-in-law shows up on our doorstep, telling us the whole story behind what was happening and how her son is now going to end up in jail even though he just had a baby. I was still half asleep when she starts going off, so didn’t really respond to her, just told her that I understood – even though, by my reaction after she had left, it’s obvious I don’t understand.

So, here’s the story as we understand it so far…

A few months ago, our neighbours, a guy and a girl, had a baby. The baby was about 3 months old when it died of SIDS. At this point, the mom and dad begin doing drugs and start getting abusive towards one another. Finally, the girl gets fed up with being smacked around and calls her mom. Her mom decides to send her brother over to their house to “deal with it”. Instead of being a grown up and dealing with it in a logical and sensical way, her brother goes over with a BB gun and a buddy with a baseball bat and threatens to beat the shit out of the guy for hitting his sister. He runs away from his beating, all the way over to our house, breaks down our door and then gets beaten on our floor.

That’s essentially the whole story right there, as we know it at the moment…

And it makes me so damn mad. First of all, it makes me mad that because these 2 people’s lives were destroyed by the tragedies that faced them, they had to go and destroy 6 other completely unrelated people’s lives. And I know that destroy sounds very dramatic in this situation, being that we’re all alive and all okay. But when I say destroy, I’m speaking psychologically. My biggest fear in the world was that someone would break into my house – and somebody did. And I had that fear so under control and now that’s completely out the window. I’ll never be able to sleep again without worrying that I’m going to close my eyes and someone’s going to bang at my door like that…

Who the hell knows how this is affecting the kids… Carter was sitting right here in the living room when they broke down the door. If it weren’t for The Boyfriend grabbing him and holding onto him tight, there’s every chance in the world one of those BB’s would’ve hit him or he would’ve been in the crossfires of the morons punches. The other 3 kids were wide awake up in their room, listening to the screaming and raucous that was going on downstairs, just praying to god that the “bad guys” didn’t come up to their room. Whose to say this isn’t something that’s going to affect them for the rest of their lives.

They destroyed our lives!!

And I’m so incredibly angry about it. I hurt for them and that’s the worst part. My emotions are literally all over the place. On one hand, I feel sorry for the whole lot of them and I want to help them so bad. They are hurting and I can just imagine how messed up they must be. There’s a huge part of me that wants to go over to their house (only 4 doors down from us) and just wrap them both in my arms and I want to cry with them and hurt with them and comfort them.

On the other hand, I’m so angry. I’m mad at them and I want to hurt them like they hurt me. I want to slap them both for being such morons and cowards. I want to scream at them and make them feel guilty for the pain they’ve caused us. I want to force them to stare into my kids face and see how scared they’ve made them. I want to slap the mother who sent her son over there to “deal with it” and I want them to feel more terrible than they’ve ever felt before. How dare they!

Needless to say, I have spent the entire morning in a state of extreme anger. I have vented my head off to The Boyfriend, I have said over and over again how much I’m resisting going over there and involving myself anymore, and I just can’t stop being so mad. And frankly, I feel incredibly guilty for being so mad. I’m mad because they can’t just leave well enough alone. It’s not enough that they already broke down my door and they already shot me with a BB, it’s not enough. Now, they have to keep coming back every morning, making me re-live the whole thing over and over again.

I just feel like, if there was anything to throw me over to the deep end of the mental ocean, this is it and I’m so angry about that!


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Not Going Good


I don’t feel like I’m in a good way today… Hell, I don’t feel like I’ve been in a good way for weeks now. First of all, I’m re-sick again. I began feeling better, I was finally able to breathe through my nose and I was just dealing with a cough and then I woke up two days ago with my throat absolutely scratching away and my nose all runny again. And it’s happening to everyone.

Kaeidyn was up half the night last night coughing and growling through her stuffed nose, keeping The Boyfriend awake. He’s now into the constant headaches part of this cold and Kenzie woke up this morning hacking his lungs out. Carter has had a non-stop runny/stuffed nose for a good couple of weeks now. But I’m most pissed that I’ve restarted this cold.

I don’t do well with colds. They make all of me hurt. I can’t sleep properly at night, I can’t wake up properly during the day, I can’t function like a normal person when I’m sick. And don’t even get me started on how much I’m not functioning and how much that’s bringing me completely down. I feel myself just wanting to sleep my entire life away and apparently that’s what I’ve been trying to achieve.

But I am downright exhausted… I think the earliest I’ve gone to bed in the last few weeks was around 1 AM. Last night, I was up until way after 3 in the morning, just tossing and turning. Other nights, I stay awake listening to all the sounds in the house. Other nights, I just lay there awake and cannot finally sleep. Finally, I guess, exhaustion consumes me and I eventually fall asleep – hours and hours after everyone has already fallen asleep.

By the time the alarm goes off at 6:30, I’m just starting to actually get into a deep sleep. So I sleep through The Boyfriend’s alarm. He resets it for 7:30 and that’s when the kids are supposed to wake up to get ready for school – though every morning but today, they’re normally up way before that. I’ve been staying in bed when they wake up, half awake, half asleep and make sure they grab everything they need for school. Then after they leave, I tend to fall right back to sleep to catch up on the hours of sleep that I’ve missed. And it’s a terrible habit…

Today, I woke up earlier than usual because the kids were all getting into candy, they were all being loud and rambunctious, and the phone would not stop ringing. The second I sat up in bed, I just felt today being the world’s crappiest day. The Boyfriend called from work and broke more bad news to me and now I can’t stop feeling like I’m on the verge of crying. I don’t want to move and I just want to go back to sleep…

I am just so tired of this life not being kind to me. Every time I think that things are starting to get better for us in anyway, the universe has to bring me back down to reality and remind me that apparently, things are never going to start getting better for us. It’s pissing me off a lot. We were so excited about the big chunk of money we’d be saving in bills and rent when we moved into this place and so far, we’re not seeing that change at all. Somehow, our money is lasting less time. And while a small portion of that can be accounted for in extra food expenditures (since our kids are always hungry), I just don’t know where the rest of it’s going.

There is literally too much that I can whine about. I was doing good keeping the house clean and then this cold hit and now I can’t seem to bring myself to want to do any cleaning whatsoever. Like I said, I just want to sleep… I look around the house and automatically feel exhausted and automatically have to force myself not to just climb back into bed. Things are just not going good for me…