The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Friends & Family


Tonight has been a night filled with socializing. I don’t think I’ve been this social in YEARS! First, dinner with The Boyfriend’s family, then stopped at the store and ran into a good old friend, then spent forever talking to my mom on the phone.

She ended up having to call the cops on him tonight and they were able to convince him to go to the hospital. Who knows what will happen now but I’ve got my fingers crossed that he’ll get help, because he needs it!

I’m incredibly nervous that they’ll deem him healthy and of sound mind and then he’ll come here…

Dinner with The Boyfriend’s family was great and I was very excited to get out of the house. We had an amazing turkey feast with the most delicious glazed carrots I’ve ever had. I always enjoy hanging out with his sister and mom. The first time I ever met his mom, back when Alfie and I were together, the first thing she said was, “Ohmigod, you are so beautiful!” and she calls me Sweetie and I just think she is such a cool woman. And his sister and I have a lot in common in terms of our thoughts about life and love and parenting. We are also both curious about each other’s experience as young moms of four brats 😉

Other than that, it was a pretty uneventful day, mostly because I slept the better majority of it away. I’ve been sketching too hard to get any real sound sleep at night and just seem to sleep better when it’s light out. It’s doing a number on my productivity. I had all these plans to get some cleaning done and even more plans to get stuff done online and it just didn’t work out that way…

We’ll, until tomorrow my friends!

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Boggled Down


It has not been a good couple of days these last few ones. First of all, they seem to be dragging on forever and yet they seem too short to get anything of value done in them. Second, it all seemed to be going fine for us and I was feeling confident and then in one day, one moment, that all just kind of blew up for me and now I’m in this perpetual funk that is being relentless.

I get fired from my job, but I don’t freak out about it, because I wanted to get a different job anyways. And I’ve been looking. I’m being sort of selective, because I really don’t want to work something that I’m going to end up hating and quit in a months time. I want to work somewhere that I could end up being for a year or more and not hate it every single day. I am absolutely positive there is a job out there like that for me. But it wasn’t the end of the world.

Then the other day, my landlord pulls up outside and gives us an eviction notice. And while I freaked out about it in that moment and I get upset about it when I think about it too hard, it’s still not giving me this “it’s the end of the world” feeling that I expect to be feeling, but it sure is bringing me down and out. I just keep thinking about how much stress it was on me last time looking for a place to live, and I had one less kid then…

Another big issue of mine (if that’s what we could call it…), is that yet again, I feel like I’m going to be doing it all alone. Even though The Boyfriend will be there when he can be, and I’m sure my Mom would be more than willing to help out (as she wants us out of this dump as much as we want out), I just feel like all of it still falls on my shoulders and it’s my responsibility and frankly, I’m just fed up with having to be the absolute most responsible one out of everyone. And I know I deserve it and earned it. It was my choice to have this many kids, it was my fault, I should handle the consequences, kind of deal.

But I’m exhausted and overwhelmed and I feel completely boggled down. And I feel like no one gives a rats ass about all that and instead just thinks, “Oh well, you made your bed, now lay in it”. And while it’s true, it just makes me feel more alone and more overwhelmed. I’d just like a break from having to be the one to deal with all of this stuff.

So needless to say, I haven’t been in all that great of a mood lately, I don’t think that’s going to change anytime in the near future. I’ve been mostly trying to sleep it off. The good news is though, that The Boyfriend and I have accomplished a great deal of cleaning over the last few days (more The Boyfriend than me) and I’m hoping it’ll just keep getting cleaner and cleaner. So, that’s my week in a nutshell. How’s yours been?


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Stressing and Honeymooning


Today, I am feeling incredibly stressed out and it’s not because something from today has stressed me out. It’s totally about not looking forward to tomorrow. On Friday, I wasn’t feeling very good so I asked if I could go home early. Well then I was asked to call the big boss and ask first as she was planning on talking to me. Honestly, my heart was racing so fast that I only heard about half of what she said, but essentially they’re concerned that this job “isn’t working out for me”.

I know what has brought this about and I’m a little upset about it and having a hard time not being incredibly angry. I want to vent to the big boss at work and tell her about all the wrongdoings done to me, but I feel like I’ll just be wasting my breath. It’s all kind of hard to explain and half the time, I don’t even remember how it got this bad in the first place, but it’s not that the job isn’t working out for me…

The last time someone sat me down to talk to me about my performance at work, I got super-defensive. It didn’t help that it was a person that I was already having lots of problems with it. Now I’m super nervous that the big boss and I are going to sit down and I’m going to get super-defensive again, and I really hate that side of me. It’s just stressing me out a lot and I’m really not looking forward to work tomorrow. I have a feeling I’ll be walking out of the office crying and that just pisses me off!

Outside of the stress that I’m feeling, this weekend has been pretty good. It’s the first one in awhile that both The Boyfriend and I have off, so that automatically makes it a better weekend. I feel like we’re honeymooning this weekend. The first night, Friday, was a typical day for us. But yesterday was so different. The day seemed to go by in a blur and then at night, things slowed down so much.

We cuddled for a really long time, watched a movie about Marquis De Sade (Quills), which we both couldn’t decide whether we liked it or not and we had some freaking amazing crazy three-hour long sex. It was really windy last night, so he knew I would probably find it hard to fall asleep, and that meant I spent the whole night just completely engulfed by him. The kids let us sleep in this morning and when we woke up, we couldn’t stop cuddling and touching and telling each other we loved the other one. It’s just been really incredible and it feels damn good.

I was even able to get the kids and The Boyfriend cleaning today while I made my Mom’s famous Hashbrown Omelette. But I put my Dad’s twist of making in the oven in a cupcake pan. So freaking delicious. It’s been awhile since we’ve bought bacon for around the house, so needless to say that got eaten up right quick. I’m really impressed with how lazy I feel like we’ve been the last few days, how much housework has been getting done. The dishes are the biggest change. Last night, I didn’t feel like doing the dishes and The Boyfriend did them instead – the first time since we’ve lived together that he’s done more than just the dishes needed for a meal. Maybe that’s part of the reason for the honeymooning?!?

I was also made really happy last weekend when Alfie got me back a whole bunch of CD’s that his sister had stolen many moons ago. So I had a great night of reminiscing to all the bands that I used to love to listen to when I was 14 and of some of the bands that I’ve seen in my life. I was most happy to get Complete, a Spawner Records band that I’ve met multiple times and Darryl’s Grocery Bag, another smallish BC band that I had the honor of hosting a show they did. I miss those days of going to punk shows and skanking in the pit and mohawks and teenage angst… It was really nice to be able to look back on that, after so many years of not…

Well, I think that’s all I’ve got in the way of updates for the last few days. How’s your last few days been?


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A Real Rant!


Man oh man! This whole blogging thing is getting so hard for me. Crazy hard for me. I have changed so much. In the beginning of my blogging, I didn’t care a lick if people didn’t like what I had to say. I wrote whatever I felt like writing with little regard to what people might think or how they might feel about it. Now, it seems like it is totally controlling me and stunting my writing.

I keep starting posts and then I’m like, “Oh, so and so will get upset if they see this!” and then I won’t publish the post. I’ve got about 20 posts that are sitting there half done because I’m worried about what people will think or what they’ll think I think of them or whatever like that. Frankly, I’m sick of censoring myself so much. And yet, here I sit, with all those posts talking about the not-so-happy aspects of my life or of the happy aspects of my life, not publishing any of them, because I don’t want any confrontation. It sucks…

The worst part about the whole thing is I’m constantly in that questioning state of mind. I don’t want to voice opinions, because my opinions are constantly changing, my thoughts are constantly changing. I don’t want to make it sound like I have these formed thoughts, when I know that I don’t.

I’m also having a hard time getting my point across lately. I read through those 2o or so posts that I have sitting there saved, and I just keep thinking that my writing is going downhill. I’m having a much harder time writing about my life lately, than I’ve ever experienced before. Not that I’ve changed my mind about the fact that someone out there might find something in my blog of use in some way, I just am having the hardest time in the world writing about it.

It’s actually really bringing me down. I went from being the girl that wrote in a journal everyday, to the girl that blogged everyday, to what I am now, where I’m maybe writing once a week. Not even! I despise it, because I get so much joy and comfort from writing. I feel like it’s the greatest way that I express myself and lately, I’m just not feeling that at all.

Things have also been a little crazy lately, so writing has taken a huge backseat. Now that I’m working full-time, once I get home, it’s time to make dinner. And then shortly after that, it’s bed time and by that time, all I want to do is be close to The Boyfriend. I’ve been feeling profoundly in love with him lately.

He’s been really truly amazing lately. Not that he hasn’t always been amazing, it’s just that I’m becoming more and more aware of it. Today was the absolute topper of the cake and I have been in awe of him ever since.

We had gone over to my Mom’s for dinner and of course, Chef had to be home from work. It’s getting harder and harder for me to stand her alcoholic boyfriend, especially as they get ready to buy a place together. My brother was also there and while he’s doing 90% better than he’s been for awhile, he’s still just not very smart.

My Mom’s been all stressed out because my brother kept saying that he wasn’t going to be able to pay his rent at the end of the month. He keeps saying that he can “handle being homeless” until he can get a job and save up enough for damage deposit on a place. My Mom is not okay with him being homeless, none of us are, but we’re all hesitant to take him into our homes for any length of time. It wasn’t that long ago that he got out of a mental institution and was essentially disowned for refusing to take medication or even seeing a counselor…

It gets brought up because he says that he’s got a new job. The brother that’s not so swift, went and gave his notice at his place instead of trying to work something out so that he doesn’t get evicted. He doesn’t even know if he’s actually going to get evicted. I get a little hissy and say something to him about it and within seconds, my Mom is yelling for everyone to just stop talking about it.

Well, her boyfriend can’t keep his alcoholic mouth shut and just kept going off about it. She tries to tell him to stop and he just keeps carrying on. She goes out to the kitchen to “cook dinner”. I go out there to try to be comforting and it blew up in my face like you wouldn’t believe.

She was visibly upset about the conversation and made it very clear that she no longer wanted the discussion to continue. I told her that I wouldn’t stand for his lack of respect for one second. If I were her, I would do more than just politely ask him to stop. She snapped at me to stop but him it’s a nice, “Chef, I’d really like for you to stop now”, to which he completely ignored and just kept on beaking.

She turns around and says something along the lines of she doesn’t think I should be talking when I let Alfie get away with all the shit he gets away with. “It’s not like you stand up to him!”. That was officially my breaking point. I walked away and sat down in front of The Boyfriend and said that as soon as we were done eating, we were leaving. Then, for the first time in months, I burst out into tears.

I just hate when she tries to compare what happened/is happening between Alfie and I with what is happening between her and Chef. Because it’s not the same thing at all. I said something about how I would yell and scream to make him stop and she says something about how with him it’s not worth the waste of breath because it’s not like he’ll stop anyways. And while she’s 100% right, when I was with Alfie, I wasted my breath. I yelled and screamed all the time.

I personally think that if you’re going to choose to stay in a bad relationship, you shouldn’t just sit back and take it. No one should think they are so worthless as to allow someone to disrespect them on a daily basis. It just made me so upset.

I also learnt from the horrible mistake that was Alfie. And, I’ve gone above and beyond to change things between him and I. Argh… Here comes the not getting my point across thing…

The big thing that sticks out in my mind is that I have three kids with Alfie. I worked hard on our relationship constantly, even if he wouldn’t, for the sake of the kids. I went and got myself help on numerous occasions for the sake of the kids and for Alfie and I’s relationship, whether it was apart or together. And I made the ultimate decision to leave the guy and become much more of a hard ass when it came to what I expected of him as the father of my children!

It’s hard to really say what I’m trying to say without hashing out all the shit that went down between Alfie and I, but frankly, it’s pointless and painful. But when my Mom throws it in my face, it makes me feel like an absolutely horrible and stupid person. It makes me feel like a damned fool!

I made a hell of a lot of mistakes for all the wrong reasons and I will pay for that forever. I put my kids in a lot of situations I always said I never would for all the wrong reasons. And I’m doing everything in my power to right those wrongs. When she said that I didn’t stand up to him, it made me so angry.

I kept the kids from talking to him for over a month because he had wronged them. It felt absolutely horrible to do it, but it had to be done. He can’t be a fluctuating force in the kids life, he needs to be a constant. He can’t just choose when it’s most convenient for him to have kids. It’s either he has them or he doesn’t. And I struggle every single day to remember that you don’t just deserve your kids because your sperm produces them, just as I don’t deserve the kids because I carried them. You have to seriously put effort into it!

The big thing for me was that while I may have made a lot of stupid decisions, I never just sat back and took the shit. I tried, in so many ways, to stand up to his shit. It may not have worked and sometimes it back fired horribly, but at least I tried. I wasted more than enough breath. And never did I allow him to disrespect me. I’m not saying that it didn’t happen, because it did for a really long time, but I never just sat back and took it. It didn’t matter how drunk or sober he was!

After that comment from her, I was visibly upset and The Boyfriend could tell. The more I thought about it, the more I cried and he was the most perfect and amazing comfort at that moment. He held me close, even though he really had no idea what I was upset about, and as I’ve probably wrote before, he didn’t push me to tell him anything. He waited until I was ready and that felt spectacular. Once he learnt it was an Alfie thing, he quickly transformed into the super-protective boyfriend.

We stepped out on the balcony so that I could bawl my eyes out without worrying about my Mom asking or saying anything. It’s always my breaking point, the one thing that I can’t stand and the one thing that I can never fully express to her the difference between me and Alfie and her and Chef. Somehow in those moments, I felt like The Boyfriend was my protector and savior. Like he was defending my honor. Every single time I try to write it out, it doesn’t sound right at all, so I’m not even going to bother to to try anymore, but it was an incredible feeling and one that I don’t ever remember feeling and one that I hope I don’t ever forget.

Needless to say, it’s been a mushy night with The Boyfriend, a kind of sad night being that Alfie is on my mind and a bit stressful because I’m seriously considering trying to work out a way that, for the week that Chef is in town every month, for the kids to not be around that shit.  Because if I won’t let a toxic man like Alfie be in the kids life on any type of regular visit outside a couple of hours when he comes here, why the heck would I let a toxic alcoholic man like Chef around the kids everyday for a week straight?

Well, there’s my rant. No regrets!


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Ramblings…


Today has been an overwhelming and stressful day. It started when I woke up this morning. I had forgotten that I didn’t work until after noon today because Kaeidyn had her assembly, so when the alarm went off, I was sure that it was going to be another morning of rushing around to get everyone ready to go. I come running up the stairs, sure that I’m going to be pressed for time, when I realized that today wasn’t the day.

Then, I went into work late today because Kaeidyn had this big year-end assembly that she really wanted me to go to. It was a lot of fun, though I think I’ve decided that they boys need to stay home on days like that. The principal ended up asking me to take Carter outside because he was being too loud. Luckily my Mom was there, so she took Carter outside so that I could enjoy the rest of the assembly. And I did. She was very cute and I love listening to her sing.

I’m so much like my Mom that way. I always hated it growing up. But the second any of the kids starts to sing, I automatically tear up. I just always find it to be so adorable and it makes my heart feel good. I played guitar and sang during all of my pregnancies, and when they were babies, I would play guitar and let them sit with me. It means a lot to me that they are musical, just like their Mom.

Then I went into work, and it was just crazy busy. Not because it actually is crazy busy, but because we’re currently short on cleaners and when that happens, it feels like it’s hectic and like everything is a huge rush. The good thing is, I’m pretty good at prioritizing and keeping level-headed AT WORK – because I suck at it at home…

The biggest part of my stresses today is talking to my Mom. She tends to be my continual reality slap to the face. And while that’s one of the biggest things that I appreciate about her, in the moment of the slap, it’s hard for me to remember that I really appreciate it and instead it just brings me down. It doesn’t help that at the time I see it as her adding more things to my already full plate. I know she does it for my own good, and like she said today, I’ve “had to go through worse”, it just sucks.

I have so much to do, and so little desire/time to do it with/in, and it just feels like it’s way more than it actually is. I hate how the household and family stress -things like finances, discipline, school, babysitters, cleaning, things that need to be bought – tend to build up over a few weeks and you feel like you can handle it because you have time. Then it gets to the day when you feel like it’s overwhelming and all that building up hits like a ton of bricks. And it makes that one bad day carry on over multiple days and just as you feel like everything is back on track and “normal” again, it starts to build up again. It makes it more exhausting than anything. I have no idea if any of that made any sense…

I have a ton of phone calls to make. Originally I was supposed to make them tomorrow, but I’m probably going to have to work all day tomorrow, so I’ll have to make them on Monday. It’s not even really a ton, it just feels that way because it’s things I don’t want to deal with. That I have a lot of anger about having to deal with it.

I have some big decisions to make regarding the kids and Alfie, because things aren’t so good in that department. I don’t want to go into full out details, because I’m still trying to figure out what parts of it are my true feelings and which ones are the parts that are leftover hurt and anger. It’s extremely complicated and even harder to explain. I’m still in, what I’m sure is called, the healing process. And it’s a horrible time for me to have to make important decisions regarding my kids and their Dad. Because it’s just a mixture of all types of negative emotions that I’m still working on coming to terms with. I don’t want to be the type of parent who lets my own emotions negatively impact my kids relationship with their other parent. I want them to come to their own conclusions about whether or no he’s a good Dad and whether or not he’s worthy of them. But they are not old enough for that. They are still learning what is right and wrong, and unfortunately I’m still trying to define that for myself and therefore, for them.

It’s such a complicated thing. I hope I didn’t confuse you too much there… Like I said, it’s been an overwhelming and stressful day. I am so lucky to have The Boyfriend though, and I’ve really been shown that this past week. Today was absolutely the best, because he knew that I was beyond stressed almost the minute I walked through the door and he sat there so nicely and just listened to me ramble on and on about all the stress. When I was done, he offered his two cents and let me ramble on and on about his two cents and he was so calm and patient and understanding. I’m just really lucky to have a guy that listens to me.

During my stressed-out-rant, I kept saying, “I wish I could just figure out one thing that was a good de-stressor” and after venting to him, I realized he is my de-stressor. He just makes me feel good and I’ve never felt like I needed to question whether he loved me or not, and that’s a very powerful thing for me. I just really love that guy!

So, how has your week been? Any big stressors on your end? How have you dealt with your stress? Did you try any new stress techniques recently? Let’s do a poll about stress, shall we?