The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Obsessions and Addictions


Man oh man… I just keep neglecting to come back here.

First, I’ve been getting obsessed with stuff that takes me away from the computer. I started reading The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, a book that has been on my “to-read list” forever (one day, I’ll actually compose this list out, but for now it lives entirely in my head). I’m enjoying it, although I am finding it to be a little repetitive. I mean, I basically know from the very get go that Holmes is going to solve the mystery and Dr. Watson is going to be shocked about how he came to these conclusions long before the evidence suggested a case-closed situation. However, I’m still baffled every single time I read that Holmes and Dr. Watson did cocaine together, like it was just another part of any other day.

I know that this was the norm for the era that Holmes is based in. And what’s even stranger to me is that I don’t get that baffled feeling when thinking about say Freud doing cocaine or prescribing it to his patients and it doesn’t shock me every time I think about the fact that cocaine used to be an ingredient in Coca-Cola during the same time period. But for some reason, the whole concept of Watson and Holmes doing cocaine, just floors me every time. I swear I read it and the look on my face just goes straight to shock…

Then, the next thing that I’ve become entirely all too obsessed with, and really, we all have, is Minecraft. I’ve been hearing about this game forever and hated everything about it. That was, until I actually played it. On a whim, we downloaded the free trial for the Xbox, and we haven’t been able to stop playing ever since. The Boyfriend and I will literally sit there fighting over whose turn it is to play and we wake up every morning to the kids fighting over who gets to play it between them.

I don’t know what it is about this game that has got us all so hooked. Both The Boyfriend and I just keep trying to figure out what we love so much about it and neither of us can really figure it out. It also doesn’t help that it’s easy to lose track of time once you’re on the game and it’s one of those games that can easily result in one too many hours spent on it. Then, we decided to check out the Minecraft Wiki and now we’re even more obsessed! It’s been making me not want to get on the computer at all…

When we’re not playing Minecraft and I’m not reading Holmes, we’ve been watching a lot of Star Trek and/or playing Karaoke. I even got a video of The Boyfriend and I doing karaoke last night (which I’m hoping to have edited enough to share in a day or so – it’s over 2 hours long, so I gotta cut it down…). It’s been a lot of fun, even if it does make you feel incredibly lazy.

But all in all, things around here are looking really good. Besides a mound of laundry that just seems to keep building, the house is nice and clean and only needs a slight tidy up. The kids are all having a bit of attitude problems, but that’s to be expected as it begins to warm up outside – and I could not be more happy about it! I honestly cannot wait for summer! So that’s pretty much all that’s new around here.

Now, I want to know, do you play Minecraft?

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Thinking About Homeschooling…


So, I’ve been considering homeschooling the kids…

Before having kids, I was determined that that was the way I was going to teach my kids. At the time, I was still in the public school system and hated every single minute of it. I hated that I couldn’t ask these big abstract questions that I had at that age, because teachers were concerned that it would upset other children in the class. I couldn’t learn what I wanted to learn, because it wasn’t part of the curriculum. Back then, the internet wasn’t readily available in every single home. I mean, this was back in the dial up days, when you couldn’t be on the phone and the internet at the same time. My parents were basically oblivious to what the internet was and AskJeeves was considered to be better than Google (at least from the schools perspective). I wasn’t learning what I wanted to learn, I wasn’t being taught by people who were given free range to teach me, and I always wanted my kids to have it differently.

By the time Kaeidyn was school-aged though, Alfie was entirely against the homeschooling idea. He thought it would be too much work, that we wouldn’t be smart enough to teach the kids and that we wouldn’t be able to teach them anything of value. As far as he was concerned, that was not what he wanted for his kids. And it wasn’t an informed decision. It was a decision much like that of circumcision  Well, I did it, so should they… (Although none of our boys are circumcised.)

Generally speaking, while with Alfie, I lost a lot of my opinions about what a parent should and could be to their kids and about what I wanted my kids’ life to be like. To me, it felt like it wasn’t worth the fight with him and I went to public school, why couldn’t they… But as time has gone on, as the kids get older and all of them are starting to be in public school, as I’ve had all this time to have a man support almost every parenting decision I’ve ever made, I’ve begun questioning why I ever put them in public school in the first place and if it’s really the best thing for them as well as if it’s the best thing for me.

Everyone keeps telling me about all the time it would take up, all the effort I would have to put in. I look at those two things and on one hand, I’m terrified. On the other hand, it excites me. As it stands right now, I really have no reason to wake up in the morning, no reason to structure my life more, no reason to do anything other than what I’m doing right now… No, I’m not saying homeschooling is the answer to any of these issues, but at least it’s a reason to wake up – other than, because I really should.

I also like the idea of being my kids’ teacher. I enjoy the concept of sitting down with them at a set time every day and doing actual school work. I like the idea of them being able to learn more than just what they’re supposed to know at the end of Grade 3 or Grade 1, but learning what their brother’s and sister are learning. I like the idea of them thinking I’m just as smart as they’re current teachers and I like the idea of being able to teach them more than just math, science and social studies. I like the idea of keeping them home, away from the bullies and the kids that are growing up way too fast. Since we’ve come to this school, I’ve heard the word rape in the context of a story about school used more than once. And if Kaeidyn didn’t feel as comfortable with me as she does, I would’ve never known and would’ve never had the chance to explain to her what rape means and why it’s not a nice word to use…

At first, the homeschooling idea that spurred this little rant was The Boyfriend’s idea. He had said, more in passing than in actual conversation, that we should homeschool the kids. Ever since, it’s been on the top of my mind. It’s all I’ve really been able to think about for the past 3 days. It’s like I’m evaluating myself to see if I think I could even do it – even though, I really have no idea what it’s going to take for sure. I’ve asked a friend of mine (who homeschools her kid) to give me some information, though so far, I’m not sure if it’s helping or not. She also lives in BC, not Alberta, so I’m still searching for resources on homeschooling here in Alberta and how you go about it.

It’s definitely on my mind though…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Caressing and Words


I don’t know what it is about talking during sex that I find so insanely sexy. I am currently under the opinion that he could say anything to me during sex, even something entirely unrelated and un-sexy, and it would still make me go wild! Maybe it’s more out of my desire to not ruin the moment than it is anything else, but I’m convinced it’s true.

We have definitely not been having enough sex. You can tell by how long many of my funks this past month have lasted. I mean, I went from having an orgasm everyday for two weeks (at least) last month and this month, we’ve had sex under a hand full of times. Between me and my attitude and him and his exhaustion, it just seems impossible to get it on. And even when we do, our bed is creaking horribly beneath us, so we’re both so worried the entire time that we’re going to wake something up. Especially if he’s on top!

Yesterday though, I was massively in a cuddle-to-show-my-appreciation type of mood. He’s been doing a lot for me lately and picking up slack as best as he can. Not only is he working his ass off at work, he comes home and helps with the kids and the cleaning and the food prep and not once do I get a sigh of resistance or bitching about how much more I could be helping. Instead, he does it like he enjoys it. I know if I were to ask him what he thinks or feels about it, he would respond by wrapping his arm around my neck, leaning his head atop mine and whispering something cheesy like, “I really enjoy taking care of you!”.

So, I was cuddly almost as soon as he walked in the door. We spent most of the night watching Star Trek, as I laid on his chest and caressed his body. Have I ever told you how much I absolutely love his body? From his head to his feet, there is something sexy at every single inch. His hair has the most delightful curls you’ve ever seen – perfect for getting fingers wrapped in. His eyebrows are perfectly shaped and arched around his enchanting eyes – caramel brown with these chunks of emerald green littered throughout. His skin is always smooth, even when he’s covered in a week’s worth of stubble. His shoulders and chest are strong and his muscles are evident without even touching, but to touch them… It’s a breathtaking experience.

I’m pretty particular about muscle because I really don’t like when a guy has a lot of them sticking out everywhere and if for one second their muscles bulge, I literally feel like throwing up. It just grosses me out. His though, his are perfect… The cuddling lasted forever and at last, he seemed to be getting excited by it. I playfully grabbed his balls and he shifted to give me more access. I gently stroked his cock and he sat up more. Grabbing my hair, he guided my lips to his member and I happily proceeded to tease him with my tongue. Again, we were in an angle that makes anything more than a couple inches impossible to do without accidentally getting him with my teeth, so this was purely teasing and not meant to get anybody off anywhere.

He moved down more and began slipping his fingers into my already wet slit. At this point, we’re half-spooning. He’s on his side, I’m on my back, one leg up around him, my foot resting on his ass. He gently penetrates me, just entering the very opening of my vag. I always love how this feels. He grabs the ankle of the leg that’s up around him and he pulls my leg up to his lips to kiss it. He begins at my ankle and kisses his way up to my knee before putting my leg up by my head and directly beside him to cuddle with my leg as he more roughly penetrated me. Both of us are always astounded by how flexible I still am, especially being that the only time we know that I’m that flexible is when he moves my body into these positions.

He begins circling my clit and whispers in my ear, “One night, I’m going to take you in the ass like this… One night, you’re going to beg me to fuck your little hole like this… You’ll beg, ‘Daddy, please put your huge cock in my tight little asshole’…” – and even though I wasn’t particularly into the idea of ever taking him in that way, the way he was saying it and in the moment, I was so turned on by it. He was pulling me in closer and closer to him and for a second, I thought he was just going to go for anal. I was pleased when instead he got on top of me.

The sex was incredible. I easily came the first time and we kept eye contact through my entire first orgasm. It absolutely heightened the experience for me and I thought it would be no time at all before he would cum. But he wasn’t ready yet, so he asked me to try for another orgasm. I frantically worked myself, not wanting to still be working on an orgasm after he came, because that typically results in him falling asleep and me masturbating by myself – something I’m not fond of doing when I have a boyfriend laying right next to me… I felt like I was on the verge of this second orgasm for the longest time and by my reactions, he was sure I was going to cum many times before I actually did.

The orgasm built itself up, until it felt like it was going to erupt out of me. My whole body was pulsing, my breath was incredibly erratic, and he looked incredible over me. He bent down and whispered for me to cum and the sound of his voice filled my head and I was lost in his words again. My body began to tense, starting at my toes and working it’s way up until I was frozen with the tension throughout my body. One final circle of my clit and I was cumming so hard that I couldn’t move at all. He filled me with his warmth at exactly the moment my orgasm began and my breathing was all over the place. I tried to grab at him but couldn’t make my hands work and he gently ran his fingers through my hair and held me close as I came down from my wicked orgasm.

Sleep came relatively easy. It was quite windy out which was really bugging me for some reason, so I tossed and turned for a bit. When he left for work this morning, I could hardly make myself wake up. Just absolutely exhausted.


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Failure is Natural, Apparently


It’s just absolute second nature to me, failing… I fail at everything and usually it’s in the most epic way possible. I can’t just complete a freaking goal. Seriously, how hard is it to blog every single day? Not that hard, especially when I’ve had so freaking much to write about. But, this is the first time in at least 5 days that I’ve even gotten on the computer…

The funk that I had been talking about a few days ago, not only got worse but lasted for a long time. Even at this point, I’m not sure I’m out of it or if this is just a little break it’s allowing me to take. I haven’t felt this agitated, depressed, overwhelmed, and just generally upset in a really long time. Today, thank goodness, is being a decent day and I haven’t been boggled down by nothing but negative thoughts but it’s the first day in almost a week that I’ve felt this good.

For the most part, this last week really sucked.

First, I lost all love of blogging literally overnight. I even sat down with The Boyfriend and had a serious discussion with him about not blogging anymore… I’m not sure what sparked this feeling that I’m done with it and I still haven’t even made a decision one way or another. I just sometimes feel like I waste so much of my time on blogging (on all my blogs) and for no real purpose. I’m just losing all my blogging hope. Hope for what, I don’t know, but I’m losing it… And I can’t believe how seriously I’ve considered stopping, because if I don’t have blogging, what do I have?!?

Then, the week continued to get worse as I felt more and more bad about thinking about quitting blogging. My Mom had come over after I had had a stressful couple of days and was just feeling generally down and out. As we’re talking on my bed, a lady comes up to my door. Turns out, yet again, someone called Child Services on us – this time, we apparently had no food. I invited her into the house and was all proud because our cupboards were filled with food, so there was no merit to this report that they had gotten. But because of our previous issue with them, she’s decided to keep our case opened…

Our house was relatively clean and what wasn’t cleaned, got that way before she came over again. I figured it would be as simple as showing her that we could get the little bit of mess that was here cleaned up and she would close our case and everything would be fine. But no… Instead, she thinks that both The Boyfriend and I need some additional parenting help, so until we start getting that, our case is staying open.

I wish that I didn’t have to keep proving myself over and over again as a perfectly capable parent. Yes, my house gets dirtier than it should and that’s something that I am sincerely working on. Other than that, there is nothing anyone can say about me that puts me into the bad parent category that continually needs to be monitored by a government agency. They’ve interviewed the kids multiple times now and each time results in the same thing, the kids saying that they are happy in the situation they have and that they wouldn’t change it for the world… They’ve now interviewed me multiple times and The Boyfriend twice and they know we are aware of the problems we do have, we are taking steps to deal with the problems we do have and we’re willing to do even more. I’m not sure what more we could possibly do to prove that we’re not shit parents.

And I’m absolutely tired of people who have never even set foot into my house, calling about things they have no idea about. We don’t even know who called on us this time, which just drives me even more up the wall. It was most definitely someone who has never been in my house, that’s all I know for sure. It makes parenting so much harder though when you aren’t even given the chance to be confident in what you are doing, but instead are constantly wondering when the next time someone is going to file a false report about you. I just hate that I work my ass off day in and day out to provide my kids with the things they need, to give myself to them and be there for them, when I’m exhausting myself stressing out about them, and none of it seems to make even a fraction of a difference. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s comforting, haters gonna hate…

After the lady left, both the first and second visits, I was beyond ready to throw in the towel. I kept saying over and over again that if the government really thought I was just that terrible of a parent, they should just take the kids or that I should just send them to live with Alfie and let him deal with constantly having every aspect of his parenting shoved down his throat as an improvement he needs to make. Obviously, these are only thoughts and not actually something I would do. I couldn’t stand having my kids taken from me, even by their own dad…

Then, my brother was in the hospital for a couple days and we were all excited about any progress he might be able to make. They put him back on the same old meds that he was on last time, at a super-low-dose and then sent him home. For a day or two, he seemed alright. A little bit crazy here and there, but nothing that wasn’t manageable. Then, out of nowhere, he’s right back to absolute crazy even while he’s still on the meds. So, we’ve been dealing with him whenever the house that he’s living out no longer feels “safe” to him. It’s stressing everyone out and we all seem bitchy because of it.

It’s just been a whirlwind week of crap and I don’t even think I’ve opened the whole can left. It’s like when you open a can of corn and you’re shaking it all out but there’s still a huge clump of kernels not letting go. I haven’t even delved into that clump. That’s how I feel… It sure makes a person want to sleep a whole heck of a lot!


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Nothing But Complaints…


Alright, so I officially suck at blogging everyday, it’s just impossible. And yesterday, there were so many opportunities and I just could not force myself to write anything. I had absolutely no motivation. This is something I’m going to be exploring with a passion over the next few days, because I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t keep letting every single goal I ever make for myself slip through my fingers, especially when it’s something I enjoy doing…

Plus, I’m never going to get anywhere that I want to be if I just continue to get discouraged or whatever you want to call it. I am in one heck of a funk though. This thing has got a vicious grip on me and all day yesterday and all day today, I have just felt completely boggled down by whatever this negative emotion is that I’m feeling at the moment. It’s not even really any particular feeling, just a general blah-ness.

I’m not sure exactly what’s causing this. I know part of today’s funk has to do with the fact that it was supposed to be The Boyfriend’s day off and then he ended up getting called into work bright and early this morning because night crew didn’t do their jobs. I would’ve been less upset about it if it weren’t for the fact that they had been dicking him around in general over this day off for the last two weeks, constantly changing when it would be and constantly changing how many days it would be, that it was annoying that they had finally gotten it figured out and then I get woken up this morning to a phone call for him to come in on his day off. I was not impressed…

But the day, for the most part, has been overall decent. Yes, there’s been moments of getting angered with the kids or moments of laughter, such as – we downloaded a whole bunch of game demos because The Boyfriend got a hard drive. One of the games we downloaded was Just Dance 4 for the kids and it was just about the cutest thing watching Kenzie and Kaeidyn try to nail these dance moves. It’s been a day like any other basically.

I hate that school is already starting again. I definitely don’t feel prepared at all. I was hoping to go to the laundromat before school started, I was planning on having so much more of the house completely cleaned. We’ve had each area of the house completely cleaned at one point or another, but keeping it that way seems physically impossible. And that’s only because my energy levels are at an absolute minimum – or else it wouldn’t be that impossible.

And that’s another thing that I really need to figure out. How to get my energy levels up, because I just feel exhausted and un-motivated all the time. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere or move. I just want to stay in one spot… I feel incredibly lazy and I hate it. I mean, obviously I’m not just staying in one spot or not doing anything, because that’s definitely impossible, but I’m not doing all that I want to be doing.

Darn this winter thing. I swear, if it were summer, I would not be going through all these whiny days and nothing but complaints. I hate this weather and I hate the lack of sunshine and I hate that I can’t kick the kids outside to play… I’m just pissy…


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Just Quick


My poor Carter is very sick. He did good all day and then right around dinner, he started looking flushed and was complaining that he was sick and now his whole body is aching and his stomach hurts. Kaeidyn went through almost the exact same thing yesterday and still looks rough today.

I, on the other hand, slept most of the day away, even though I was trying so hard not to. I just absolutely could not wake up. We had the people here to fix our door and I stayed mostly awake during that, but as soon as they left, I fell back asleep until the kids started asking for dinner!

At first when I woke up, I felt so angry and upset that I had slept almost all day. Turns out it was the start day of my period and once I got past the initial upset, I actually got a lot done including dishes, laundry and cleaned even more of the kitchen. Plus, Kaeidyn did a great job making sure the boys didn’t make a mess of all the cleaning we did yesterday and the day before.

I have been having a difficult time getting motivated to get on the computer, which is unfortunate because I feel like I’m just not giving 100% to any of my current online ventures. As it is right now, I’m writing this from my bed on my BlackBerry and I just don’t feel like I’m actually getting anything done… Definitely need to make some adjustments there.

Now it’s time to watch some Star trek, which The Boyfriend and I are getting more and more addicted to. From watching 2 or 3 episodes every night of Next Generation and playing Star Trek Online to the constant talk of it. We’re obsessed!


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My 2013 Blogging-Type Goals


Blogging Goals 2013

Blogging Goals 2013

I’m not sure how much I’ve actually told you about this challenge that I’m doing – and at the moment, I’m the only one doing it but that’s okay, I’ll make it work. So tonight, not only am I going to tell you more about the challenge, but I’m also going to use TODAY’S INSPIRATION to write my own post. I’ve been semi-working on this list for month’s, but have been being an incredibly annoying perfectionist about it, so today, I’m throwing that out…

I’m not going to go into great detail about The Blog Everyday Challenge, because I’ve written about it pretty much everywhere you could imagine and because it’s title is pretty self-explanatory. You blog, every single day, for however long you want to set your goal to blog for is – could be days, weeks, months and even years. Our mission is to support you on that journey!

By joining our official group on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, you’ll get support and encouragement to keep you blogging everyday and you’ll also get to meet up with some great adult bloggers. But even if you’re not an adult blogger and still want to join in, we’ve got you covered.

There are even brand new products in the Blog-A-Holic Designs shop so that you can motivate yourself to keep blogging when the going gets tough and even products that you can customize to promote your blog (and the fact that you’re doing this challenge). I’ve been posting about that everywhere too, so I’m not going to say anymore about that…

So, that brings me to my very first goal. I really want to blog every single day for an entire year. So, my plan is to blog daily right here on The Rantings, and while I can’t guarantee what the ratio of adult posts to non-adult posts will be, I’m hoping that it will generally stick around even.

Some of my many other blogging-related/online/technology-type goals this year include:

  • Finish and post the second installment of 100+ Sexual Bucket List Ideas
  • Finish and post piece on different ways to communicate about using your sexual bucket list with your partner
  • Begin commenting on my reader’s blogs more often (because I always mean to and then always cower shamelessly in the internet corner)
  • Post at least 3 times a week to the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous blog
  • Post to The Blog Everyday Challenge group(s) every single day, come rain or shine, sickness or health!
  • Post a video to Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous at least twice a week
  • Actually go through all my FetLife groups, ideally on a daily basis, but even once a week will be better than what I’m doing right now…
  • Post to Updates from the Head Blog-A-Holic at least twice a week
  • Add new products to Blog-A-Holic Designs at least once a week, which includes promoting said products on Tumblr blog
  • Actually start going through my drafts (on all the blogs…) and start finishing and publishing the pieces
  • Learn how to create an application for devices – just because I want to!
  • Step up my social networking game… This one requires quite a bit, but a couple of things that I vow to absolutely do this year:
    • Post every day to my personal Facebook page. It already streams my blog posts there and it shows stuff from the Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous Tumblr blog twice a day, but I’d really like to start putting my own posts up there. Ideally, I’d use Facebook notes to kind of do a daily update about all the stuff I got done online that day… Here’s hoping!
    • Post every day to Twitter, at least once a day, because I’m really bad for forgetting all about Twitter
    • Start posting and using my YouTube accounts, both my personal and Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous one. One day, the LBA one will include uploaded videos, but at this point, I just don’t have time to focus on it. It’s something that is in the very early planning phases…
  • Figure out the one and only system that I’m going to use to curate content (ie. Digg, Delicious, Diigo, Bit.ly), because right now I seem to use a whole bunch of different things and it’s just not working out to my advantage at all…

I know that more will come to me the more I think about it, but I think this is looking like a pretty hefty list already. I guess another goal we can add to this, is to upgrade Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. I had planned to do this before the New Year, but life kept getting in the way of that goal, so I don’t want to make any promises… But I really want to allow people video uploading and a video chat room (personally, I really want the chatroom, my members apparently want the video uploading).

So now, what are your blogging goals for 2013? Do you typically set goals for your blog, or is this your first time?