The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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It Happened!


After much complaining and two years of impatiently waiting, it finally happened. I finally got a spanking!!

Okay, maybe not a spanking exactly. Two hard smacks, but still, closer than I’ve been in two freaking years!!

I had spent the night pestering The Boyfriend about this issue, without actually being bickering or nagging about it, just letting him know that it was on my mind. At one point, I mentioned to him that quite a long time ago he had made all these statements about how he should have to spank me every time he gets anal and that he’s gotten anal quite a few times without having to give me a spanking at all. We laid down in bed and gave this “erotic anime romp” series on Netflix a try out, Girls Bravo. We’re only two episodes in, so I haven’t really begun to form a strong opinion, but it was definitely a good warmer up to porn.

We seemed to be having a really difficult time picking porn, because I couldn’t seem to take it seriously if my life depended on it. Finally, I decided to stop looking with him in mind and ended up choosing a Kink.com Public Disgrace video (some of my favorite porn ever by the way people!) and it definitely did the trick. I was absolutely entangled in this film and could not take my eyes of the screen for anything, I was just in heaven watching this girl get used and abused and all the people. Still sends shivers down my spine.

I rolled onto my side and The Boyfriend snuggled up close behind me, his naked cock warm as it rest at the meeting of my legs and rear, flexing to meet with my moistening lips. I reached behind him and grabbed frantically at his ass, remarking on it’s amazing shape and it’s perfectly adorable fit against my hand. He slid his hand over my hip and up to my breast, forcing it this way and that, squeezing roughly at my nipples. My nails dug into his flesh as his hand reached up and his fingers gripped my throat, his other hand sliding under my head, trapping my head down by my hair.

My other hand went to his arm and I dug my nails in there, as he slowly slid his throbbing cock into my wet slit. We both paused as he reached the peak of his descent and our breaths were held in our chests, mine in his firm grip. His hand moved to my shoulder as he held me still for a few hard pumps, before releasing me to play on him. I slowly moved my hips against him, my soft lips circling his swollen member and I gently rocked allowing him more access and then only allowing shallow penetration on his behalf. As I pulled off of him, his cock drenched in my juices, he slowly pushed back in, but this time it wasn’t into my pink heaven.

It seemed so easy this time compared to every other time. I was so wet and he was so covered in my wetness that things were gliding with ease. As it became uncomfortable, he grabbed me tighter and whispered in my ear as I moaned out to him, “Daddy… Daddy… Daddy…” – my favorite thing to call him in the whole world, even though we don’t participate in any type of Daddy/Girl kinks. He grabbed my hip and pushed forward a little when I felt a sudden Smack! on my ass.

A few more quick thrusts and another Smack! on my ass. My moans of “Daddy” became much louder as he thrust harder and harder, a sure sign that he was in the midst of cumming. He reached between my legs, opening them wide and his fingers went to immediate work on my clit, his cock slowly losing girth in my tight hole. I squirmed frantically on him, bucking my hips wildly against his fingers, choking out words as he brought me to a very intense orgasm that resulted in my entire body going completely stiff next to him.

I have still yet to figure out how I feel about this spanking…

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The Last Few Days


I have been meaning to come on here for days and write, because I’ve been craving it. It hasn’t been for lack of things to write about…

This week has been an incredibly crazy week filled with a large roller coaster ride of emotions that has just left me feeling plain exhausted. For the last two days, I’ve done nothing but lay in bed pouting and complaining about how sore my body is. There have been good moments and bad over the last few days, but I seem to be stuck in a rut when it comes to whatever feeling it is that I’ve been having that seems to come and go, well, for the last few days it’s been staying and holding tight with a deadly grip.

I wouldn’t say this is depression, because the feeling isn’t sad really. Then again, I’m sleeping a lot lately and I have a thousand and one reasons why depression would make sense. And maybe I am a little depressed and just in denial, but it’s not to this terrible point yet. I’m just beginning to notice that it’s beginning to affect me negatively and as I’ve said, these come and go in waves (as you’ll notice if you read back over the last few months), so I’m sure the tide is going to flow outwards again and I’ll be able to catch my breath.

So let’s talk about the last few days…

First, we started watching Dexter on Netflix. I really really love this show like crazy. We’ve even let the kids watch a few episodes and it is the most interested in a TV show we seem to be able to get them lately. Even got The Boyfriend hooked. But what I didn’t expect from this show was how much it would act as a major trigger for me. I kept thinking, “There should be a warning somewhere…”, because on multiple occasions  it has brought me back to places where terrible things have happened or terrible thoughts have occurred and I just wasn’t expecting it at all… For the most part, this is easy to deal with in the moment and I’m often over it shortly after the show ended, but some of the things seem to really be sticking in my mind and keeping the tide over my head.

Then, Kenzie and I have not been doing very well together. For some reason, he is in the stage of absolutely hating my guts and making it known at every possible turn. Obviously I know that he doesn’t actually hate my guts, but he insists on saying it to me every single day, multiple times a day. The one that is the hardest to deal with is the first thing in the morning one, which just turns my entire day to crap before it even gets started. There’s no worse way to start your day than to hear “I hate you” coming from your flesh and blood’s mouth.

We went through much the same thing with Kaeidyn, right around this age too, and for the life of me, I can’t remember how we dealt with it. I know that it didn’t last as long with Kaeidyn as it is with Kenzie and everything that we’ve attempted to do with Kenzie thus far has not worked at all. It all seems to add fuel to the fire and it’s been difficult. I often feel the least in control of my kids in that moment and like I’m never going to feel as if they respect me and all that I’ve done for them. Being over-dramatic I suppose…

The Boyfriend and I had program again this week, which goes as good as it always does. This was basically a review of the questionnaires that we filled out the last time we had went and basically to see where we stand based on our answers to all these questions. Oddly enough, on the depression test, The Boyfriend scored as more depressed than I was and it was the first time in my life that I scored as only mildly at risk for depression.  My favorite part of this whole entire appointment was when we were going over our Parenting Confidence and Satisfaction questionnaires, in which both The Boyfriend and I scored very high in our overall confidence but rather low on the satisfaction end of thing. Our worker asks, “Why do you think you got this result?” and The Boyfriend throws up his hands and goes, “This!”.

We both broke off to explain the “This!” as being more than just the program itself, but the whole parenting situation that we’ve been experiencing for the last few months, what with all the child services visits and the constant issues with the kids and the feeling of being so overwhelmed by this job. I pointed out that there was never any question about how good of parents we were, but how good of housekeepers we were and yet we had to go to parenting classes not housekeeping classes. We both vented and it felt really good and really nice. It’s also nice because our worker strongly believes in focusing on the positive, so we haven’t heard much negative at all about our parenting which is nice!

In other news entirely, we just jumped over the 100 member mark in The Erotic Writers Group Google+ Community. I’m spending as much of the rest of the night as The Boyfriend will let me catching up on all the stuff that I’ve missed out on over the last few days of my absence  from the computer. Hopefully I’ll be able to update you with more about all that fun stuff later. Well, I hope you’re all having a wonderful weekend and staying warm during this lovely “spring” snowstorm 😉

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Porn and Fisting


So, last night… Last night…

It started as soon as The Boyfriend got home from work. I had been trying to watch a movie on Netflix all day and could not get everyone quiet enough to be able to hear it. Luckily, bedtime wasn’t far away and I was able to finish “After Porn Ends”.

For a long time, as some of you are probably aware, I’ve wanted to do porn. Since the very first time I watched porn. I’ve also recently been propositioned by two different people who would be interested in helping me at least put a portfolio together, again something I’m incredibly interested in.

I’ve told The Boyfriend about my interests from the very beginning of our relationship, I’ve been honest and open about every proposition since they started. So last night, after spending all day messaging back and forth, asking tons of questions with my photographer friend, I said to The Boyfriend, “I really want to do porn!”, to which he hastily responded something along the lines of, “You can’t!”.

I spent the rest of the night in the most terrible funk and I have this feeling that it’s going to last awhile. First of all, I hate that we don’t have a conversation about this. It’s one sentence from each of us and in those sentences, there isn’t any room for negotiation. I hate that we can’t even hypothetically discuss boundaries and limitations and just our feelings about it in general.

I also hate that all these things that he knew I was interested in having as part of my life from the very beginning of our relationship, are being completely neglected because he makes the decision that they should be. I came into this relationship saying that I wanted to be in porn, that I wanted kink as a real and physical part of my life,that I wanted to leave the vanilla existence behind. I laid it all out for him and I’ve been flat out denied it all.

It makes me feel all sorts of negative things about him, about me, about our relationship. It makes me feel hopeless and disappointed and terribly sad. This is not what I signed up for. I did not sign up for never getting a spanking again, I did not sign up for having someone else dictate what I can and cannot do with my body, I did not sign up for constantly having my desires denied…

Part of me wants to tell him, “It’s my body, my life, my choice and you can either support me and what I want or you cannot – in which case, we have some important discussions to have and decisions to make.”. But that’s not the way I want to deal with it. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum…

I want him to open up his mind a little bit and actually put more than two seconds of thought into these decisions. I want him to actually be curious about my interests before just shutting them down. I want him to think about how his automatic no’s are affecting me and more than that, our relationship. I want us to actually talk about it all.

I spent all night making it known that I was not impressed, that I was upset. We watched another movie about porn and throughout the movie, I would make snarky comments about my desire to do these pictures, but nothing more was said on his part.

After the movie, we got ready for bed and I was completely taken aback when his hand traveled to my leg and began gently caressing it. He grabbed my legs and pulled them open, frantically working his hand around the treasures that lie within. Even though I was heartbroken and upset, I was not about to turn down sex…

His cock was raging and within seconds, his hand was utterly drenched in all my wetness. Slowly, he added another finger and another finger, until he had his entire hand inside of me. I thought it was so weird, because just the night before we had been talking about fisting and how much neither of us was really interested in it and here we were, a night later doing exactly that…

It reminded me so much of our first time trying anal. He kept checking in, “Are you okay?”, and his whole demeanor was gentle, caring, and absolutely sexy. He knelt down and worked his hand more and it felt intense, but then he introduced his tongue in the mix. My pussy was completely stuffed full and now my clit was being sucked and nibbled on and my entire body was shaking. He looked up at me and in this totally hot voice asked, “Can I put my finger in your tight little asshole?”.

Honestly, at this point I probably would’ve said yes to anything. I was so close to orgasm as it was. I was so wet that he was able to easily work his way around and once the hand in my vag and the finger in my ass were situated, he dove down and nestled his face back between my legs. I don’t think I’ve ever cum so fast. One suck on my clit and I was there.

He disengaged, which was the oddest sensation in the world before coming up to meet me face-to-face. I was so worried that after having all five fingers in there that I would just feel like a gaping hole, so was beyond surprised when only a few thrusts in, he was cumming hard.

So apparently, we don’t have such a problem with fisting…


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Electronic Junkies…


I don’t know why I keep raising my boys to be total electronics junkies. With Kenzie, it was all about playing video games. The constant asking, the constant whining when he couldn’t and though he’s not as bad now as he was 2 years ago, he’s not cured. Keirnan, it seems to be Netflix. He gets upset when he doesn’t get to hold the paddle, when he doesn’t get to pick the show or when he just doesn’t get to watch it.

Cater, my sweet little Carter, is obsessed with the computer. I mean, worse than any of the other boys are obsessed with their things. He wakes up in the morning and wants to play on the computer. When we lock the computer, he’ll sit there attempting to write in passwords, clicking around on all the Ease of Access stuff and finally, he will get frustrated and just turn off the computer. Then he’ll turn it on again, thinking that password screen will no longer be there.

Once The Boyfriend and I are up and moving around, we’ll kick him off the computer and he’ll scream and cry and freak out that it’s his computer and that it’s his turn on it. If we don’t get on it the second he’s been kicked off, he’ll sneak onto it constantly, until eventually we don’t notice him sitting there playing his games!

It’s beginning to become the most annoying part of the day…

In other news, Kaeidyn’s still insisting on sleeping downstairs. She gives it a shot upstairs in her room but the sounds get to her and she eventually moves downstairs. The Boyfriend wants to get tougher on her and make her stay up there for longer before she’s allowed to come down, but I just feel bad for her. Explains why I let the kids stay sleeping in my bed until they were in Kindergarten!!

A lot of times, we’ll wake up in the morning to all the kids sleeping down here. I’m still having some issues falling asleep at night. For over a week, The Boyfriend and I didn’t go to bed until at least 4 in the morning. Just too worried about all the sounds. Some nights I’ll get away with not having to move the dresser in front of the door, but more often than not, I’m still asking for that dresser there every night. I’ll just stay up too long sketching about every noise if I don’t. But at least the actual break-in isn’t on our minds much anymore.

Well, that’s pretty much this last week in a nutshell. Boring, I know, but that’s life sometimes. How’s your week been going?


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I am still sick… And getting sick of it…


It’s been a rough couple of days. I am downright and absolutely sick. This is the first day in weeks that I’ve felt anything even close to healthy – even though I have little hope that it will last much longer. And I wish that I could figure out what is going on with my body.

It started a few weeks ago with your average cold. Some runny nose and coughing, then it progressed to an all out stomach war. I spent a few days suffering from intense nausea and now, I’m in the extreme body pain and constant migraines. I don’t remember the last time I took so much tylenol…

Then my period sprang onto the scene almost 2 weeks before I was anticipating it to and has lasted longer than I’ve had a period last in a long while. Needless to say, I am entirely sick of being this sick. It’s been about a month now of one sickness after another. The fatigue I feel has to be the worst part of it all, because all I want to do is sleep. As it is, the past few days have been made up almost entirely of sleep.

Yesterday, I woke up long enough to make sure the kids had packed their lunches before falling back asleep. Then I woke up again, long enough to take Keirnan to school before coming home and going back to sleep. Woke up and got the kids from school and then came home and fell back asleep again until The Boyfriend got home from work. Once he got home, I basically made him spend the rest of the night rubbing my neck trying to make the intense migraine go away.

Today is looking a little bit better right now. I’m still feeling very sore and I’ve got quite the cough going on, but no migraine so far and my stomach is definitely feeling better. I’m going to take it mostly easy for the rest of the day and hopefully feel closer to better tomorrow. I’m so ready to be healthy again!!

In other news… Well, there’s really not a whole heck of a lot. I haven’t been on the computer much in the last few days because of how sick I’ve been. I’ve been watching tons of Netflix and have started to notice that I’m getting increasingly pissed off with all the shows I’m watching ending. First, it was MI-5 and was I ever disappointed when that finished. Then I finished Drop Dead Diva for the second time, and a few days ago I finished what they have of Pan Am on there. The Boyfriend and I have begun watching Terra Nova (which is a freaking good show!) and will finish that tonight… We’re still moseying our way through The X-Files and I’ve started watching Damages (which I’m not sure what I think of that show yet).

Other than that, it’s been boring and quiet around here and I’ve insisted on it to stave off these migraines.

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Bittersweet Relief


 

Last night was absolutely bittersweet. On one hand, the 3-hour-long sex session was out of this world! On the other hand, the tired discussion afterwards, sucked hardcore… And surprisingly, I wasn’t disappointed by it. I was, in that instant, relieved to finally know for sure. Today, I kind of have no feelings towards it. Probably a hardcore case of denial, also known as, watch for the pending doom…

So, the 3-hour-long sex session began after I watched a few movies on Netflix. The last one I watched was Public Sex, which is essentially about Dogging. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this movie to much of anyone, because I didn’t think it was that great. In every area that I thought it would be really great, and for every time that they built up to something great, it just kind of fell short. But I wasn’t expecting greatness going into it, so it wasn’t a surprise. The movie did little in the way of getting me turned on, but it definitely gave me a craving to watch porn.

Which almost seems like it’s now become “a part” of The Boyfriend and I’s sex routine. I don’t know if I can remember the last time we had sex without having porn on. And, it’s not normally him who initiates this at all. I mean, I guess a few of those times. But for the most part, I turn it on without even asking. Then, we go through and laugh at all the various funny titles and usually pick together the one’s we’d like to watch. Last night was a little bit different, because at first, I picked what I wanted to watch without letting him have a say and then I made him pick one without me having a say.

This time was also different, because I pointed out everything in every video that I really liked. Of course, during all of these videos, we’re not just watching. We’re playing or fucking or sucking, normally both of us holding off on cumming until the very end. I’m going to call that whole thing playing, the building up to orgasm. So normally, when we’re playing, he tends to not pay much attention to the porn. Every once and awhile we’ll both glance over for a moment, or we’ll watch it during one of our smoke breaks, but once we’re place the basic foreplay and have delved into playing, we’re normally pretty involved in what we’re doing. But last night, I asked him to stay watching the porn for some of my favorite things and things I’d really like to try, like squirting during double penetration and eating a girl out in front of him without him being allowed to touch. There wasn’t much said on his part, but it definitely didn’t put a damper on any sexual activity.

By the time he put his chosen porn on, it hardly got watched. We talked about the girls’ skirt and which one he’d prefer on me and which one I’d prefer on me, and then the porn hardly got paid attention to at all. I don’t know if this is a new interest of his or if he’s always had an interest in girl-on-girl strap-on sex, but he’s showing off that interest a lot more recently. I’ve never really been into girl-on-girl strap-on sex, though I’ve never hated it either. I wouldn’t pick it out of a group of videos, but I wouldn’t turn it off if it was put on, if that makes sense.

Moments later, we were cuddling, coming down from equally amazing and surprisingly sudden orgasms that neither of us thought were going to happen when they did. Of course, this was the first thing we discussed during our post-sex discussion ritual. Then, we recounted our favorite moments and the things to include in future sessions, like we always do. And then, as I was caressing his finger tips and forearms, I told him that I had something to ask him, but didn’t want him to take it the wrong way.

You could feel his entire body tense, dreading the question to come. Before I thought more about asking the question, dreading the answer that may follow, I quickly dived and gently thread the words together, “Do you think there is ever a chance that we will be on the same page sexually?”. I’m not even sure that he hesitated before answering, “No, but I’m worried about saying that.”

At first, I felt this extreme disappointment wash over me and it was hastily followed with this sudden relief, because at least now I know. I know that all my dreaming, while with him, is pointless. It’s a relief because I can now stop thinking that there might be a chance that one day in the future he may spank me. And when I asked why he was worried, his response was, “Because, I’m worried you’ll say ‘Then, what’s the point!’ and I don’t want that.” and I said that I don’t want that either. Because I don’t.

I’ve always said that I don’t want to break things off with him over a sexual thing like this, when I know there are ways for us to get around this. For both of us, to some degree, get what we want and be happy. If some other area of our relationship were bad, then it’d be different and my thoughts would be something other than what they are. But it’s not like that for us. Every area of our relationship is really great, that ruining it just because he can’t fulfill my kinks, makes absolutely no sense. The vanilla sex is really good, the communication between us is good, the feelings we have for each other are strong and real and important. I can’t see tossing all that away to just have a chance at getting into a kinky relationship, that may or may not be as fulfilling and satisfying as this relationship.

I wanted to talk more. I wanted to ask more questions and be the eager beaver that I normally am when it comes to these things. But instead, I stepped back from the experience that I was in and am now beginning to think about how I plan to progress from here. And honestly, that part worries me the most. What am I going to do with this information? Today, I feel like I could care less about it. I’m writing this post because I feel it’s necessary, not because I’m actually actively thinking about the situation. I seem to be rather unbiased about it right now and I’m convinced that’s my version of denial.

I foresee my future emotions, over the next coming days and weeks. I see bitterness, sadness, acceptance, anger, obsession, complacency, hope, maybe even humor. I foresee many more attempts at many more unsuccessful and discouraging conversations. I foresee some irrationality on my part and some stress on his. I foresee an inconsistent wave of blog posts coming up when I really start thinking about the conversation and I see me spending more time than I’d like, thinking about this…

For now, I’m going to focus on today…


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Short and Bitter


I am down and out again today. There are about a mazillion and one reasons why that could possibly so and yet, none of those things are even on my mind right now. Like, for instance, I went in to work yesterday morning and got called into the head bosses office. Two minutes later, I was walking right back out of the office as I had just been “dismissed”.

Not completely a shock or bother – especially being that I’ve been talking for weeks about looking for a different job, but still…

And yet, that’s not bothering me nearly as much as I would expect it to. It probably will shortly, but honestly, I’m kind of happy it happened. For a few reasons, such as:

  1. I wasn’t happy at the job anyways, so now I don’t have to be unhappy about it
  2. I was talking about leaving anyways, so now they’ve just made it that much easier
  3. I wanted to look for a new job, so now I can without having any other worries (outside of the typical job-hunting worries)
  4. I can spend a little time focusing on getting my house in order, which is so desperately needed it’s not even funny

I’m stressed about the money end of things, but I know that The Boyfriend and I will make it work, because that’s what we’ve always done. And we’ve lived on FAR less. So, all in all, in the long run, I’m not that upset about being “dismissed”. And yet, for some reason, I feel incredibly sad and I’m getting sick and tired of this happening so often lately.

I’ll be fine for a few days. No problems whatseover. Then out of nowhere, I’ll have a day or a couple days of this overwhelming sadness that makes me want to lay in bed all day. I don’t want to do anything or think about anything or make decisions or move. I just want to lay there, lifelessly.

Today is being one of those days. Yesterday, after I got fired, I came home and was fine. I spent the day working online, I watched the rest of the L Word (and can I just say, I freaking HATED the Season 6 finale! Who killed Jenny Schecter?!?) and The Boyfriend and I had some amazing quickie sex. Then I wake up this morning and at first, I thought I was fine. I even walked to the store to get morning coffees, which never happens! Like a bat out of nowhere, this sadness hit right before lunchtime and I’ve been spending the last 3 hours doing everything I can think of to make it stop and go away.

And I just want to know, how long is it going to last this time…?