The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants


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Don’t Get Me Wrong


I’ve learnt a lesson over the last few months, and that is to not complain about your sex life. If it’s not what you want it to be, you need to do something to change it. I’ve also learnt that patience is of great importance, because things and situations change.

Tonight, I feel like complaining a little bit though. Not even really complaining, so much as talking about something that’s been on my mind a lot lately. Okay, maybe two things that have been on my mind.

First, I want a girlfriend!!! I’ve been saying for so many years now that I’m bi-curious. I’ve been attracted to women for as long as I can remember. My first girl crush was Lori Petty from Tank Girl, and since then I’ve had many girl crushes – even girls who weren’t celebrities.

I’ve always found women to be very attractive. Often when I masturbate, if I’m visualizing anything, it’s a woman. Awhile back, I had come to terms with the fact that it was never going to happen. I can’t stand sharing at all. And with my rather low self-esteem, the worst thing I could do is allow The Boyfriend to be a part of my relationship with a girl. If he saw her naked, I would probably snap!

But I’ve seriously been considering talking to him about the whole thing. The other thing that’s been on my mind kind of plays into it too. Not only do I want a girlfriend, but I want my own submissive. I want a girl submissive. That way there isn’t that jealousy where having a male submissive is concerned.

And since any sort of kink, outside of handcuffs, has been completely eradicated from our sex life, I want some kind of outlet. It would be especially perfect because I could still be submissive with The Boyfriend, but finally release my built-up Dominant tendencies. I’ve kind of become very complacent where adding kink in our sex life is concerned.

For awhile there, I was trying to almost force it on The Boyfriend. But lately, his interest level has dropped dramatically and it almost never gets mentioned. When I do say something about it, there is almost no reaction from him whatsoever. So I’ve just kind of left it alone. I mention it every once and awhile but for the most part, I’m moving on.

How do you bring this kind of thing up? He’s been in relationships in the past where the girlfriend let another girl get in the way. I just really want to experiment with this and I don’t plan on breaking up with him anytime in the future, so how do I go about getting what I want without hurting him? And how do you keep the girlfriend separate from The Boyfriend? I don’t even know how it would work at all… Just my thoughts for the night.

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YouTube Obsessed!


Normally, I’m not one to spend very much time on YouTube, except when I’m uploading my own videos. I tend to hate weeding through all the crap (no offense!) to get to something I’ll actually enjoy.

Recently, I renovated Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous, and we now offer the ability to share videos right on the site from video sharing sites like YouTube and Vimeo. Well, since member activity has been kind of low since the reno, I’ve been trying to add interesting content in hopes of members taking it as a hint and adding their own interesting content. So, YouTube has been being watched like it’s going out of style.

I’ll tell you something, when you find something good on YouTube, it’s really good!! I’ve been loving finding the stuff that I’ve been finding, so I thought I’d take some time to share some of playlists and other stuff that I’ve been loving.

First, I’ve created a playlist for potential videos for Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. If you don’t know what LBA is, just check my sidebar, and please don’t hesitate to visit the site and become a member (It’s FREE!). Here’s the LBA Videos Playlist. Some of this stuff hasn’t been put up on the site yet, and some of it probably won’t ever even make it there, so enjoy!

In the creation of the LBA Videos Playlist, I’ve become extremely obsessed with a particular YouTube-r, and have officially decided that I want to be so much like her that it’s retarded. If you get a chance to check out Sex+ on YouTube, or visit lacigreen.tv, I would strongly suggest it. Laci Green is seriously an amazing woman and sex positive advocate. Her honest and open discussions toward sexuality are my new Saturday favorites.

You can check out all her videos on Sex+, and every Saturday she adds a new episode. I’m even following her on Twitter, you can too @gogreen18!

I’ve also come across some really great blogging-related videos on YouTube, from funny to musical and everywhere in between. You can check out my Blogging Videos Playlist here. My absolute favorite video from my blogging playlist is:

Last but not least,  yesterday on Facebook, I got my very first song request!!! I’ve never gotten a song request before, so it was quite flattering. Now, I have a whole new song to learn, but I hope to have it up within the next week. Also, coming very soon (as soon as she learns to stop screaming into the camera), Kaeidyn and I have planned a duet, so stay tuned to my YouTube channel.

I officially invite all of you to feel free to send me song requests, because I’d love to do them. You can send me a message via my contact page, e-mail me at valerierayne@hotmail.com, become a fan of my Facebook page and leave a comment there or send a tweet to @blogaholica with your song request.

Do you have any favorite YouTube videos? Let me know in the comments!!


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Sickness…


The last two days or so, has been nothing but sick and tired kids around the house. First, Kaeidyn started getting this cough. The next day she had a fever and spent almost the entire day sleeping on the couch. Then, the next day, Kenzie slept most of the day away on the couch and was the calmest I have seen him in years.

Later that night, Keirnan started getting unusually calm. Lazing on the couch or curled up under a blanket on the floor. Yesterday, the boys had fevers and it was so quiet! Today, they are all healthy and energetic and now I’m sick….

I knew I was going to get sick eventually. My throat has had this odd tight feeling to it for awhile now, and then yesterday barely anything, and then I woke up this morning and I feel incredibly sick. It sucks. I hate winter for how sick I am all the time.

We did the first WTMFI Wednesdays on the Wednesday that just passed. It was hectic and a lot of work, but I got it out and did some promotion for it. Now I’m working on getting #2 up and running. The best part is there’s about a thousand ways to participate (over-exaggeration), so hopefully someone other than me will. Here’s some links for you to check out:

I’ve been doing pretty good at keeping the living room clean and the dishes done. I had a few days where I did nothing at all. I washed out the bathtub once to take a bath and that was it. I’ve officially decided that there will be no more making to-do lists the night before.

I tend to lay in bed and make up these lists of things I want to do the next day, and then they never get done. I’ll make these huge lists and none of it ever gets done. So no more nightly to-do lists. After making that change, I’ve actually been getting stuff done. I’ve even vacuumed two days in a row, which is definitely rare.

That’s pretty much all that’s been going on around here lately. Cleaning, dealing with colds, working on websites and making a few changes. What’s new with you?


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Not Up For It…


Tomorrow is going to be a horrible day. After yesterday, I’m not looking forward to tomorrow. I had mentioned the other day about the whole Work Placement Training thing, and how I had gotten an interview through that. Well, I went to the interview and it literally lasted all of 5 minutes. I got to the building at 9:58 AM and I was heading home by 10:04 AM. Needless to say, I’m convinced that the interview didn’t go all that well.

Then I got a letter in the mail (darn this time of season for the constant mailbox fill), saying that I had to go to a job fair tomorrow. I’ve never been to a job fair, so automatically my nerves are on edge. Add in to the fact the failures that I’ve had where interviews are concerned lately, and my complete lack of skills and qualifications pointing and laughing at me, my job-level confidence is absolutely and completely shot.

The first thing I’ve learnt from doing all these interviews, and the one that I have the hardest time not doing, is when you’re 24 and looking for a job, don’t mention that you have 4 kids. In the last two interviews I’ve done, the second I say anything about the kids, eyebrows are raised, “That’s interesting” is muttered, and I see any hope of getting the job flutter out the door.

I wish employers would look at the fact that I’m so young with four kids as more of an impressive thing. In employment counseling, they build you up about it. How the skills that you use as a parent are such big things when you think about it.

Who controls the monthly budget? I do, so I’m a financial advisor or a budget specialist. Who goes grocery shopping and writes the lists based on needs? I do, so I’m a inventory control specialist. Who cleans the house? I do (and my Mom does), so we’re housekeepers and waste management specialists and so much more! Why can’t the fact that I’m a domestic engineer be a serious job?

I hate that it’s not more impressive to an employer that I have 4 kids, all who still live with me and have never been taken away from me. That has to say a whole heck of a lot about me. I’m reliable, I’m responsible, I’m hard-working, I’m mature – all of these things are things I think about other moms. Why can’t an employer see that in me? Why is it such a turn off that I have so many kids?

So I’m going to this job fair tomorrow, because it is mandatory. I’m hating that I have to go, because I am so low down on my confidence, that I feel like I can’t sell myself no matter how hard I try to a potential employer. I also don’t want to leave out that I have all these kids, being that an employer needs to know that they are my number one priority.

I’m also worried about childcare. In no way, even with subsidy from the government, could I afford daycare or dayhomes. Even if I could, I’d probably be put on a 6-month long waiting list. I have one person I can use as a childcare provider, because I really don’t know anyone here except for my Mom, and I can rely on her only as long as she doesn’t get a job and as long as her boyfriend’s not in town. So for one week every month, I have to have a back-up plan. It’s almost impossible to have a back-up plan right now…

I hate how much work and job-searching stresses me out. Just had to rant. Now, I have to go deal with the kids, who keep hurting each other, screaming and yelling, causing havoc and destroying the house. Argh…