Maybe It’s The Weather…

I cannot tell you what has gotten into The Boyfriend, but something is definitely changing. Maybe it’s the 12 pounds I’ve lost (although I’d like to think he’s not that shallow) or maybe it’s the warmer weather, maybe it’s that he’s dealing with the stresses of work life better or maybe it’s something else entirely, but I can honestly not remember the last time we had as much sex as we’re having nor can I remember the last time that we both hated being away from each other – we’re literally attached at the hip!

He’s been coming home from work on his lunch break, just so that he can hang out with me and he even takes Keirnan to school for me, so that I only have to make that trek once a day. He’s been a real sweetheart lately, from letting me hog the TV because my body is aching so bad that I don’t want to come on the computer, to letting me play video games even when he’s been craving them all day, to making dinner more than once this week and he even bought me an early Mother’s Day present – one that I’ve been wanting for years!

Then, the sex… There has been so much of it, in so many different ways, I have not wanted for nothing. There have been some disappointing moments, which I’ll get into momentarily, but for the most part, it’s been almost two weeks now of incredible sex every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. And I have no idea what’s going on but I’m not about to complain.

It started on one of his days off, that wasn’t a planned day off. He had gone to the store and when he got back, he made mention of something sexual. I had worn a skirt this day and the idea of that seemed to really excite him. That’s not really a surprise, because he has a strong affection for my legs, but it doesn’t normally make him all ready and raring to go. He came and sat on the couch beside me and slid his hand up my leg as he revealed the perverse thoughts he had on the way to and from the store. I giggled, as I usually do when he talks about these sexual visions of his, but my giggle was cut short by a sudden gasp as he roughly slid his fingers into me.

It took him no time at all to bring me to that first orgasm and I was almost shocked at how fast it had gone. After I was done, he seemed like he was going off to do his own thing, but he came out of the bathroom and said, “You wouldn’t want to sit on my cock, would you?”. He sat down and I straddled him and almost as soon as we started, we were both covered in sweat – his beading down his forehead, mine collecting in the middle of my back. He shoved his head in between my breasts, as I rhythmically bucked my hips wildly back and forth on him. His hands were on the top of my skirt, pulling at it to direct me this way and that on top of him. We collapsed in each other’s arms as the last ripples of orgasm waved over us and as we caught our breath discussed what we loved about that particular session and how much we couldn’t wait to repeat it later on that night, being that this was midday sex.

One night, we had a beautiful mutual masturbation session. He is getting way more skilled with his fingers than he ever has been before, which has resulted in a lot of speedy orgasms on my part – something that is brand new and totally foreign for us. I’m not sure what he’s doing differently, but he says that he’s definitely doing something different. He believes he’s just gotten to know more of what I like and based on the way he’s been playing with things, I’d say he’s incredibly right! I think the thing that made this particular session so beautiful was the timing of it all. We came within seconds of each other and it still had the intimately connected feeling that our sex seems to get so damn right.

Even last night, he was exhausted and more than ready for bed, but still had enough energy for a parting shot. It started out looking like it was just going to be another mutual masturbation session, which I was totally okay with. But after a few moments, he asked rather politely, “Do you think you can make yourself cum if I’m inside you?”, I excitedly responded, “I’ll sure as hell try” and in no time at all, we were both having our orgasms and it was just all around a great time. Based on his lunch break today, I don’t think this particular streak is going to end until at least after the weekend… So, happy weekend for me.

The one big disappointing evening, even though I quickly turned it around so that it didn’t become a huge disappointment, was during the final episode of Star Trek: TNG. It’s not uncommon for us to sit around and watch a TV and for me to play with his genitals during this time. My purpose is never to bring him to orgasm or to even get him turned on, I just like to play and he’ll go in and out of hardness and softness and it’s an exciting precursor to an evening of fun. Recently, I got a cheap version of ace bandages or tensor bandages. I was thinking we could use it for a little bit of light bondage and compression play – things that I’m interested in and he’s never seemed uninterested in. More bondage-esque type things have never been a total no, like impact play is for example.

So, as I’m playing with him, I grabbed my wraps and began to unravel the smallest one. Immediately, he tenses up and his half chubs hard on disappears. I ask, “What’s wrong?” and he says, “I just have a feeling I know what you’re planning to do with that and…” he trails off into silence, with a look on his face that signals that he doesn’t want what I’m proposing. I ask, “Are you uncomfortable?” and he shrugs his shoulders, still with this look on his face, this look that absolutely signaled to me a complete lack of trust. I stopped, dead still.

I kissed him. I didn’t know what else to do. I held his face, and kissed him hard over and over again, my mind literally buzzing with thoughts. I felt like this was the moment to make a very conscious decision about what it is that I want. I kissed him harder and harder, fighting back tears as I decided, I wanted this even without the light bondage. I couldn’t let this one thing make my whole entire night miserable. I could either a) choose to focus harder on the fact that he wasn’t interested in this thing, even though he let me spend the money on it or b) just move on and forget it about it… It felt like I consciously gave up that night…

I went back to bringing him up to hardness again, and I dropped the wrap on the couch and left it alone. I haven’t brought it back up again. There is a big part of me that is just ready to throw in the towel on this whole kink thing for the time being. He’s not in the right head space for it and I’m not the one to try to work him into that head space  Whether it’s being his bottom or his top, I just don’t think he’s there yet. I don’t think he’s ready. And I don’t know if he ever will be…

And I don’t know how or what I feel about that, I don’t know what I’m going to do about it, I don’t know anything right now on that level. It’s one of those things that I’m trying not to let consume me…

It Happened!

After much complaining and two years of impatiently waiting, it finally happened. I finally got a spanking!!

Okay, maybe not a spanking exactly. Two hard smacks, but still, closer than I’ve been in two freaking years!!

I had spent the night pestering The Boyfriend about this issue, without actually being bickering or nagging about it, just letting him know that it was on my mind. At one point, I mentioned to him that quite a long time ago he had made all these statements about how he should have to spank me every time he gets anal and that he’s gotten anal quite a few times without having to give me a spanking at all. We laid down in bed and gave this “erotic anime romp” series on Netflix a try out, Girls Bravo. We’re only two episodes in, so I haven’t really begun to form a strong opinion, but it was definitely a good warmer up to porn.

We seemed to be having a really difficult time picking porn, because I couldn’t seem to take it seriously if my life depended on it. Finally, I decided to stop looking with him in mind and ended up choosing a Kink.com Public Disgrace video (some of my favorite porn ever by the way people!) and it definitely did the trick. I was absolutely entangled in this film and could not take my eyes of the screen for anything, I was just in heaven watching this girl get used and abused and all the people. Still sends shivers down my spine.

I rolled onto my side and The Boyfriend snuggled up close behind me, his naked cock warm as it rest at the meeting of my legs and rear, flexing to meet with my moistening lips. I reached behind him and grabbed frantically at his ass, remarking on it’s amazing shape and it’s perfectly adorable fit against my hand. He slid his hand over my hip and up to my breast, forcing it this way and that, squeezing roughly at my nipples. My nails dug into his flesh as his hand reached up and his fingers gripped my throat, his other hand sliding under my head, trapping my head down by my hair.

My other hand went to his arm and I dug my nails in there, as he slowly slid his throbbing cock into my wet slit. We both paused as he reached the peak of his descent and our breaths were held in our chests, mine in his firm grip. His hand moved to my shoulder as he held me still for a few hard pumps, before releasing me to play on him. I slowly moved my hips against him, my soft lips circling his swollen member and I gently rocked allowing him more access and then only allowing shallow penetration on his behalf. As I pulled off of him, his cock drenched in my juices, he slowly pushed back in, but this time it wasn’t into my pink heaven.

It seemed so easy this time compared to every other time. I was so wet and he was so covered in my wetness that things were gliding with ease. As it became uncomfortable, he grabbed me tighter and whispered in my ear as I moaned out to him, “Daddy… Daddy… Daddy…” – my favorite thing to call him in the whole world, even though we don’t participate in any type of Daddy/Girl kinks. He grabbed my hip and pushed forward a little when I felt a sudden Smack! on my ass.

A few more quick thrusts and another Smack! on my ass. My moans of “Daddy” became much louder as he thrust harder and harder, a sure sign that he was in the midst of cumming. He reached between my legs, opening them wide and his fingers went to immediate work on my clit, his cock slowly losing girth in my tight hole. I squirmed frantically on him, bucking my hips wildly against his fingers, choking out words as he brought me to a very intense orgasm that resulted in my entire body going completely stiff next to him.

I have still yet to figure out how I feel about this spanking…

Lost

I have spent the last few days in a serious funk. It’s just being relentless and I can’t seem to shake the feeling. It’s most likely being my most vicious funk since we’ve moved into this house and I feel like this one’s going to hard to break, because nothing I do seems to be helping at all. I just keep feeling that all is not well, all is not right and I don’t know what to do with those feelings.

Then, the noise of Facebook got to me again, when I came across an image that says something along the lines of, “If you’re not happy in a relationship, just leave, don’t cheat” and it was like a harsh slap in the face. Especially being that I’ve been considering exactly that a lot lately, though not cheating per se, being that I wouldn’t ever lie to The Boyfriend about it or even just not tell him, I would do exactly the opposite. And it’s not like I’m overall unhappy in my relationship, because that’s also untrue. I’ve never been this happy in a relationship, I’m just not happy all the time about the sex.

And when I’m having the vanilla sex, except for the odd thought about wishing he’d be rougher with me and stop treating me like some delicate breakable flower, it’s really good and fulfilling vanilla sex. It’s sex that I’m happy to be having and that usually leaves me feeling okay about my sex life. But the craving and desire for kink is so heavy that when I’m not in the moment of having vanilla sex, I feel like my sex just isn’t what I want it to be, nowhere close actually.

And I’m sincerely beginning to think that half of my interests in kink would be interests of his if I just never said anything about me being interested in it. It always seems like he’s half interested in the concept of certain kinks, right up until the moment that I say that I’m interested and then he turns to an automatic no and not interested. But what bugs me most is the lack of regard for my interests where sex is concerned.

The other night, I’m researching away. Can’t remember how I got started on the trek that I went on, but I was hardcore looking at stuff on Cuckoldry, something that has always been pretty high up on my interests list. I have never been able to exactly state why any of my interests in kink are what they are, so I couldn’t tell you what it is about cuckoldry that I like so much. And really, I don’t think it’s cuckoldry, as much as it is the idea of me having sex with someone else when he’s not allowed to and while he still has to be involved. I’ve often said that I would love to be polyamorous as long as my partner wasn’t sleeping with anyone…

Because just like him, I’m not very fond of sharing. However, I’ve never been in a relationship like ours where I feel like it’s stable and secure. I mean, I believe in my heart that the only way this relationship would ever end is if I ended it, because I just can’t see him doing it. I’ve never been in a relationship where it doesn’t feel like the guy is still looking for something better (even if that’s not actually what he’s doing, I’ve always had that feeling), but with The Boyfriend, I don’t get that at all. I get that he is perfectly happy and comfortable staying just where we are for the rest of our lives. So for all I know, something like polyamory would work for us because I don’t fear him leaving me for someone else, someone better. Again, something that he is absolutely uninterested in.

I don’t know if it’s maybe because he doesn’t feel like we’re stable and secure or if for him, a relationship just means nothing but monogamy. Something to discuss, I suppose. It’s just so frustrating to have any sexual conversation with him, because sex isn’t as important to him as sex is to me. We see a lot of things very differently where sex is concerned. I’m much more open-minded and expressive about my sexual feelings, he is very close-minded and is definitely not a very expressive man.

I remember writing on one of my old blogs a long time ago, at the very beginning of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship, about an experience that I had had in a chatroom. Now, this was long before I had ever gotten my first spanking from him and before we had even really begun discussing my kinks and how they would play into our relationship. We were still just babies to the whole relationship. I had gone into this chatroom and was talking with the whole room, when one of the ladies picked me out of the crowd to essentially say that because The Boyfriend was vanilla and I was not, our relationship wouldn’t last longer than 5 years, because it would tear us apart. And if you haven’t figured out yet why this experience has been on my mind a lot lately, let me fill you in:

The Boyfriend and I will be at our officially 5 year mark in July. And isn’t it kind of crazy that as we’re coming into the end of our 4th year, that’s when I suddenly decide that I’m sick of being complacent about the lack of kink and that I’ve officially lost all hope that he’s not going to revert back to the days of spankings and munches and that I’m seriously considering things like cheating, ultimatums and break-ups?!? It’s just interesting to me and frankly, I don’t know what to do with any of the things I’m thinking or feeling.

I can talk until I’m blue in the face with The Boyfriend about how much his vanilla-ness bugs me and I can whine and complain all the time about wanting a spanking, but it’s not doing anything but making me feel more and more out of place. I’d even go as far as to say that the lack of kinky sex often times feels like it’s intruding on the non-sexual aspects of our relationship, though I’m quick to rationalize those misplaced feelings. But the fact of the matter is that I don’t believe in forcing my sexuality on other people, even other people who share a relationship with me.

If he’s really not interested, there’s nothing I can say or do that will change that for him. I can’t even demand that he compromises or something like that, because that’s not the consent I believe in. I believe in the consent that sounds like, looks like, feels like an unequivocal yes. Nothing more, nothing less. Anything less than that and I’m no longer comfortable. So I’m obviously not going to “force” or coerce his hand to spank my ass and I’m not going to say something like, “Either you tie me up or I’m out of here”, but at the same time, whose happiness am I really sacrificing…?!?

I just feel very lost…

Getting Down to Details

Mine and Jess’ conversation on my last post has been on my mind non-stop for the last 2 days now. I just keep thinking about all the questions she’s asked, all the things that could potentially happen with this idea and I have not been able to stop the constant stream of thoughts. She wants me to get down to details about what it is that I really want out of a kinky lifestyle, what does that even look like for me. And while I can come up with a few things, I feel like I’m just continually blanking. As I’ve said before, over the last few months, even more like a year, I’ve become really uncaring about kink. It’s really sad and hard for me to deal with a lot of times, but when I wasn’t being complacent about it, I was always upset about it and it was beginning to affect the little bit of vanilla sex that I do get. And I’m sure I’ve said this before too, that I’d rather be getting some vanilla sex and no kinky sex than getting no vanilla sex and no kinky sex. So really, this conversation is really shoving in my face how uncaring I have become and that’s being the thing that I’m having the hardest time with. How could I have let myself go like that?!?

Am I getting lost within the confines of my relationship? Am I losing sight of what it is that I have so desperately wanted for so many years? Can I even still call myself kinky when I’ve become the way that I am with it? And what the hell am I going to do about it? I feel like I’m breaking up with a boyfriend that I’ve had for so many years and this is all so sudden… I guess really it’s not, it’s just the first time that I’m really acknowledging it all.

But I figured, Jess had some really great questions about my kinky interests and I’ve never really put all of them together. My interests are kind of scattered over a bunch of posts all over the place and most of them only encompass the things that I know and have experienced and not the things that I want to know and want to experience. So, we’re going to attempt to narrow some things down – wish me luck.

Let’s start with what Jess posted:

“Can I recommend as a follow up post to this that you post exactly what you’re looking for. From this post I get your interested in having others control what you wear. What other aspects of your life are you looking for others so control? Do you have any limits? This way if your asked to do something we know ahead of time what you will/will not do.”

First of all, I notice that I do tend to use the “control what I wear” thing a lot as an example of something kinky. It’s popped up in almost every single post I’ve ever made about my interests in kink, I’m sure of it. That is one little area, that is a lot harder to do than you would think. My wardrobe, as it currently stands, is pretty boring and rather unsexy. Lots of comfy yoga type pants and baggy t-shirts. I rarely ever wear underwear (except for when it’s period time) and I haven’t worn a bra for anything but nights out in mega years. I don’t own a single piece of lingerie and I have one pair of high heels, one pair of winter boots and one pair of runners (which need to be replaced this summer). I dress like a mom… I’m also incredibly un-girly when it comes to how I look on a day-to-day basis. I don’t wear make up, the only things I know how to do with my hair are put them in braids or a ponytail, I never wear perfume and when it comes to products to use, I own so little that most people would probably be shocked. I know men with more product than I have…

But, that’s not really how I want it to be. I want to be the type of person who dresses in a way that would be pleasing to someone else’s eye. I want to be the type of person that wakes up in the morning, an hour early, to perfect my make up and hair. I want to be the type of girl who wears high heels for more than just fulfilling my partner’s fantasy during sex or owns a skirt for something other than just sleeping in. I want to wear a bra for some other reason than to just sit around the house in. That’s probably why I always turn to this particular kink as an example…

Another thing that I’d like to point out is that I haven’t always wanted to be submissive and I haven’t always identified as a S/switch, which is what I currently identify as. Prior to getting with The Boyfriend, it was never really a thought to do anything but dominate. I wanted to be the dominant in a relationship and have my own submissive. But as the 4th baby rolled around and The Boyfriend was naturally more of a leader than I was, it just kind of happened. One day, I was completely interested in nothing but domination and slowly, I found myself being much more interested in being his submissive, submitting to him. As the years have gone on and he’s lost all interest, I’m sticking with the submissive end of things because it’s now where I find comfort – although being that I’ve never really experienced either of them, I can’t really say either way which one I’d chose for sure…

Okay, so let’s get back to Jess’ comment. “What other aspects of your life are you looking for others to control?“, to which I can only only think, “All of them!“. The clothes I wear, the times I sleep, the way I conduct my day, the days I have to shave, the times I’m allowed to be on the computer or watching TV, the foods I’m allowed to eat, the things that I’m allowed to say in certain situations, the eye contact I’m allowed to make, the sex I’m allowed to have, really the possibilities are endless.

When it comes to kink, I have a whole wide variety of interests. I want behavior modification with punishments and rewards, I want impact play and sensation play, I want to be constantly put in my submissive place, always being reminded that I am owned, I am somebody’s and that that is the most important job (next to being a mom) that I have. Pleasing someone. Being what they need or want me to be. Or at least, that’s what I currently view submission for me as…

My only known limits are that I won’t do anything that involves poop, pee and puke (The Three P’s). It’s just not something that interests me at this time in my life. Outside of that, I’m really unsure of what limits I would have, because I have a curious interest in almost everything else. For example, my current list of “Into” and “Curious About” fetishes on my FetLife profile is pretty massive and I haven’t even updated it in awhile – then again, what’s on there is a really good start.

So for now, I’ll just leave you with this list and over time, you’ll notice these items turning into links as I do more in-depth posts about my interests. I’ve also put little stars besides the things on my “Curious About” list that are really high up there on my list of what I want to experience (*), and yes this list doesn’t currently exist… You can also expect to see multiple posts of the same title (with parts 1, 2, 3, etc.) further exploring any other comments that come my way regarding my interests in kink. I imagine this will be an interesting little journey we’ll be taking.

Into:

• anal beads (giving)
• ass play (everything to do with it)
• ass worship (everything to do with it)
• bare bottom spanking(receiving)
• bare handed spanking (receiving)
• biting (everything to do with it)
• blood (everything to do with it)
• blow jobs(giving)
• bondage tape (receiving)
• breasts (everything to do with it)
• bruises(receiving)
• choking (receiving)
• cocksucking (giving)
• crops (everything to do with it)
• cum (everything to do with it)
• cunnilingus (everything to do with it)
• cutting(everything to do with it)
• deep throating (giving)
• dildos (receiving)
• erotic literature (everything to do with it)
• flogging (everything to do with it)
• foot massage (receiving)
• foot/feet (everything to do with it)
• gagging/choked by cock (receiving)
• hair pulling (receiving)
• hairbrush spanking (receiving)
• handcuffs (wearing)
• handjobs (giving)
• ice cubes (receiving)
• impact play(receiving)
• kissing (everything to do with it)
• leaving marks (receiving)
• light bondage (receiving)
• lingerie (wearing)
• massages (receiving)
• masturbation(everything to do with it)
• monogamy (everything to do with it)
• music (everything to do with it)
• mutual masturbation (everything to do with it)
• nipples (everything to do with it)
• nudity (everything to do with it)
• oral sex (everything to do with it)
• outdoor sex (everything to do with it)
• scratching (giving)
• spanking (everything to do with it)
• swallowing (giving)
• switching (everything to do with it)
• talking dirty(everything to do with it)
• vibrators (everything to do with it)
• writing erotica(everything to do with it)

And that’s just the things that I’ve had experience with. My list of curiosities is even longer…

Curious about: 

• corsets (everything to do with it) *
• 1950s household (everything to do with it)
• 24/7 (everything to do with it) *
• abrasion play (everything to do with it) *
• armbinders (everything to do with it)
• artistic cutting (everything to do with it) *
• asphyxiaphilia (everything to do with it)
• ball gags (wearing) *
• ballet boots/shoes(wearing)
• bastinado (everything to do with it)
• bathroom use control (everything to do with it) *
• bdsm (everything to do with it)
• begging (everything to do with it) *
• behavior modification (everything to do with it) *
• bellydancing (everything to do with it)
• belt spanking (everything to do with it)
• belt whippings (everything to do with it)
• ben wa balls (wearing) *
• bisexuality (everything to do with it) *
• blindfolds(watching others wear)
• bloodplay (everything to do with it)
• body modification(everything to do with it)
• body paint (wearing)
• body worship (everything to do with it)
• bondage (everything to do with it) *
• bondage equipment (everything to do with it)
• breast bondage (everything to do with it) *
• breast spanking (everything to do with it) *
• breast whipping (everything to do with it)
• breast/nipple torture(everything to do with it)
• breath play (everything to do with it) *
• burlesque(everything to do with it)
• caging/confinement (everything to do with it)
• candle wax (everything to do with it)
• caning (everything to do with it) *
• cbt (giving)
• chakra energy play (everything to do with it)
• chastity (everything to do with it) *
• chastity devices (giving)
• clamps and clips (everything to do with it) *
• clothespins(everything to do with it)
• cock and ball torture (everything to do with it)
• cock milking (everything to do with it)
• cock worship (everything to do with it)
• collar and lead/leash (everything to do with it)
• collars (everything to do with it) *
• consensual nonconsent (everything to do with it) *
• control (everything to do with it) *
• cornertime (receiving) *
• corset piercing (everything to do with it)
• corset training(everything to do with it) *
• corsetry (everything to do with it)
• corsets (wearing)
• costumes/dressing-up (wearing)
• crawling (everything to do with it)
• cross dressing (watching others wear)
• cuckold (everything to do with it)
• cunt worship(everything to do with it)
• d/s (everything to do with it)
• daddy/girl (everything to do with it)
• decorative cutting (receiving)
• discipline (everything to do with it) *
• domestic servitude (everything to do with it) *
• domination (everything to do with it)
• double penetration (receiving)
• e-stim (receiving) *
• edge play (everything to do with it) *
• electrotorture (everything to do with it)
• erotic photography (everything to do with it) *
• exhibitionism (everything to do with it) *
• eye contact restrictions(everything to do with it) *
• female ejaculation (everything to do with it) *
• fetish wear (wearing)
• fishnets (wearing)
• foot worship (receiving)
• geisha (everything to do with it)
• glass dildos (receiving)
• gor(everything to do with it)
• gorean slave positions (everything to do with it) *
• grooming (everything to do with it) *
• high heels (wearing)
• high protocol(everything to do with it)
• humiliation (giving) *
• kneeling (everything to do with it) *
• knife play (everything to do with it) *
• latex (wearing)
• leather (wearing)
• lesbian domination (giving)
• maid uniforms (wearing)
• making home movies (everything to do with it) *
• masochism (everything to do with it)
• master/slave (everything to do with it)
• mental bondage (everything to do with it) *
• mistress/slave (everything to do with it)
• multiple orgasms (everything to do with it) *
• needle play (everything to do with it) *
• obedience training (everything to do with it) *
• online play (everything to do with it)
• orgasm control (everything to do with it) *
• orgasm denial (everything to do with it) *
• otk spanking (receiving)
• outdoor bondage (everything to do with it)
• paddling (everything to do with it)
• pain (everything to do with it)
• pantyhose/stockings (wearing)
• percussion play (everything to do with it) *
• piercings (everything to do with it)
• pinching (everything to do with it)
• play piercing (everything to do with it) *
• porn (everything to do with it)
• power exchange(everything to do with it)
• pro domme (giving)
• public play (everything to do with it)
• pussy worship (everything to do with it)
• restraints (everything to do with it) *
• riding crops (receiving) *
• rituals (everything to do with it) *
• role play (everything to do with it)
• rope bondage/suspension (everything to do with it)
• rubber (wearing)
• sadism(everything to do with it)
• sadomasochism (everything to do with it)
• scarification(receiving)
• sensation play (everything to do with it) *
• sensory deprivation(everything to do with it)
• sensual/slave dances (giving)
• service-oriented submission (everything to do with it)
• shibari (everything to do with it)
• slavery(everything to do with it)
• smoking (everything to do with it)
• speech restriction(everything to do with it) *
• spreader bars (everything to do with it)
• stockings(wearing)
• strap-ons (wearing)
• submission (everything to do with it)
• subspace(everything to do with it) *
• tantra (everything to do with it)
• tattoos (receiving)
• total power exchange (everything to do with it)
• toy making (everything to do with it)
• toys (everything to do with it)
• uniforms (everything to do with it)
• voyeurism(everything to do with it)
• wartenberg pinwheels (everything to do with it)
• water bondage (receiving)
• webcams (everything to do with it)
• whipping(everything to do with it) *
• whips (everything to do with it)

So Not…

Even though it hasn’t been that long since I last came on the computer, it felt like it took me an incredibly long time to catch up on all the things that I missed yesterday. Yesterday, I was really sick. It had started the night before and I just didn’t feel right and then yesterday, I was so sick that I was either being sick or I was sleeping – the whole day. It was wickedly and brutally intense and I don’t ever want to feel that sick again. However, it only seemed to last a day, so maybe I shouldn’t be so dramatic!

I didn’t expect to get on the computer and have so much to check up on though. But, the wonderful thing about this happening is that I feel a bolt of inspiration that leaves me wanting to do something more, something different. I’ll even let you know what I’m thinking.

It’s been forever and a day since I’ve written any erotica, because I just kind of gave up. There’s a whole bunch of reasons to this, which I won’t really get into right now, but even though I haven’t written any in awhile, I do maintain The Erotic Writers Group on Lifestyle Bloggers Anonymous. Well, when Google+ came out with Communities, I decided to also make a group there for erotic writers and it is taking off rather nicely. And, I’m not even kidding you, it’s an inspiring group. So now I’m thinking, that I might start trying out some erotica again. It’s been a really long time though, so it might take awhile. Need to get out of my negative thinking surrounding sex…

And it’s to the point where it has affected my overall rating of The Boyfriend on questionnaires that we had to fill out. I feel so crappy about not getting any kink whatsoever that it’s just making my entire outlook on sex a negative one. Don’t get me wrong, I love the heck out of every second of vanilla sex that I’m getting and The Boyfriend and I’s relationship has never been healthier or stronger than it is right now, but it’s hard to look at sex as this wonderful and satisfying thing, when it’s simply not as satisfying as I know it could be and desperately crave for it to be.

It’s such a negative way of looking at things…

But seriously people, I’m dead sick and tired of not getting anything kink-related and even more than that, I’m absolutely appalled at how “okay” with that I’ve become. There was a time when his lack of interest didn’t seem to affect my lack of interest. I’d still research the heck out of my interests in kink, I’d still get pleasure from reading blogs from other kinksters and I’d still love to look at pictures and videos and be totally engrossed my thoughts of kinkiness and I’d never lose hope that one day I would have it. But now, every single time I look, I ever single time I read, every single time I research, I feel utter hopelessness.

And when I sit back and actually think about it, it makes me feel really freaking sad and crappy. But most of the time, I’m not thinking about it and so I don’t stay in that sad and crappy place. And since when is that anything like me?!?

Just in case you didn’t catch all the whining going on in the above paragraphs, let me simplify this: “Waaah! I want a spanking!”

I wish that I could even just understand what he doesn’t like about it now. Why was he interested before and why is he not now? And why on earth can he not explain this to me? And it’s not for lack of questioning him about it, he just can’t seem to articulate it. He always just responds with something along the lines of “just because I’m not” or “I don’t really know” and really, that’s not enough for a desire such as this…

So not what I had intended to go off about tonight…

 

Did I Tell You About Last Night?

Thanks to The Boyfriend’s birthday, it has been two really great nights of sex-having and I don’t think it will be our last – not for at least another two days. I always love having birthday sex, especially when it’s not my birthday, because somehow it just always feels better. Even when it was the same sex you had just the night before, add the anniversary of someone’s birth in there and things just seem hotter.

The only thing that has even slightly sucked at all about the two nights (okay, technically, they were both in the same day. But one was at like 3 AM on Sunday and the other was just before midnight of that same day – but I slept in between, so that’s a different day for me…) was the porn. Let me clarify. I love watching porn and for the most part, tend to really enjoy doing it during the foreplay stage of sex. I don’t need a lot to get me ready to go for sex, so the foreplay is more for The Boyfriend than it is for me.

However, I’m really starting to not like his taste in porn – and not because he has bad taste, but because everything he wants to watch makes me insanely jealous. And, if this were the me of 5 or 6-years ago, it would be jealousy because he’s getting so turned on by these women on the screen, but that’s not it at all. No, instead, I suffer with being jealous because I so desperately want the things that he really enjoys watching.

When it comes to porn, The Boyfriend is all for anything lesbian. If it’s got 2 girls in it, he’s game. He even prefers that, when we pick heterosexual porn, there be 1 guy and 2 girls (at least), because he really has a thing for watching lesbians. And trust me, I really do too. But immediately, the second he even suggests it, I just fill with a whiny type of jealousy that normally results in me playfully sobbing, “I want to do that!!!”. But what bugs me most, is not that I want to do that, but because when I whine it at him and then try to say something along the lines of, “You should let me do that!”, it’s just a conversation silencer. He immediately goes quiet and I swear, intentionally stays that way so that I won’t say anything else about it…

Rant over!

So anyways, we ended up coming across some incredibly sexy videos dealing with lesbians and double dildos (another thing that The Boyfriend has really gotten into recently). The first night, I don’t think we watched for long at all before beginning our serious playing – where penetrative sex is being had, but we’re not actually having sex, more like just teasing each other for prolonged lengths of time. The most memorable moment of the night was getting up to get a drink and being stopped mid-way to be bent over and pounded from behind, my hands on the floor near my feet. It felt good and he enjoyed the view.

The Boyfriend had one birthday wish, one that the mere thought of the wish coming true, completely ruined the chances of it ever happening. As I’ve probably said before, The Boyfriend enjoys anal quite a bit – not really sure why he enjoys it as much as he does, and he definitely doesn’t know either, but he does. I, on the other hand, really don’t care for anal sex. I grew up wanting to be a total anal whore, but now that I’ve tried anal sex my required three times, I just can’t seem to really enjoy it. There have been a few times but for the most part, if and when I do it, I’m totally just doing it to please him.

It came as no surprise that his birthday wish would be anal and before he even said it, I knew he was going to ask if I’d be down. I had mentally prepared myself to say yes and was intentionally trying to rough up the serious playing so that I’d be more likely to enjoy the discomfort anal sex brings me. Alas, as he whispered in my ear, “Can I?”, the entire thought of it proved to be just a little too much for his (to quote Sadopaeidia – the best book ever!) “John Thomas” and he ended up cumming right there and then. I had already had a short orgasm earlier on in the playing and was quite pleased when he asked me if I thought I could cum again while he went limp inside me – so hot!

The next day (although, refer to the point about this above, because it was technically still the same day), he was doing little things all day long to keep me quite ready for more. Like when he needed to use my soft clothes to wipe one of his games off and he gently rubs his fingertips up my legs, starting from my ankles and all the way up to my inner thigh or the gentle kisses he pampered my neck with as I sat on the computer blogging away. By the time we got into bed, all I could do was think about what we were going to do to each other.

We’d both been talking about 69’ing for some time and just never actually found ourselves doing it. But it had been a really long time since we last 69’ed, so I put my foot down and demanded some oral sex! Again the lesbian double dildo-type porn was put on and it didn’t take either one of us long to decide that we were ready to really begin getting it on. It had been so long that we were both a little awkward about it, as I expected. We couldn’t get comfortable, my pussy was up too high for his tongue to reach and my boobs kept getting in the way of me being comfortable on top of him, but eventually we got it all sorted out.

I could not get over how long he seemed to be and how difficult I was finding it to get most of him in my mouth. Usually, it doesn’t seem that hard. After our orgasms had finished, which beautifully happened at the exact same moment, I mentioned how long he seemed and it turned out that someone had spent some time shaving – not a lot, just a trim (because that’s how I like it). I was most pleased and feel asleep dreaming of trimmed pubic hair.

I am sincerely hoping that tonight will result in another sex-session, but for now, we’re just enjoying the peace and quiet of everyone’s bedtime 😉

Nipple Licking is Popular Here

Today I spent some time going through my blog stats. I don’t do this often enough, mainly because it’s almost always the same thing. I average the same amount of visitors every day, they often come from the same places, and more often than not it’s always the same search term (or variation of) that brings them here.

You’ve heard me say it before and I’ll probably continue to keep on saying it, that the search term that gets most people here has to do with sex bucket lists. How to make one, ideas for one, etc. So I don’t normally look through my stats that often. But recently, the searches that are bringing people here are less often dealing with sex bucket lists and more often dealing with nipple licking, thanks to my post Dual Nipple Licking.

From Joel O Grande

Caressing and Words

I don’t know what it is about talking during sex that I find so insanely sexy. I am currently under the opinion that he could say anything to me during sex, even something entirely unrelated and un-sexy, and it would still make me go wild! Maybe it’s more out of my desire to not ruin the moment than it is anything else, but I’m convinced it’s true.

We have definitely not been having enough sex. You can tell by how long many of my funks this past month have lasted. I mean, I went from having an orgasm everyday for two weeks (at least) last month and this month, we’ve had sex under a hand full of times. Between me and my attitude and him and his exhaustion, it just seems impossible to get it on. And even when we do, our bed is creaking horribly beneath us, so we’re both so worried the entire time that we’re going to wake something up. Especially if he’s on top!

Yesterday though, I was massively in a cuddle-to-show-my-appreciation type of mood. He’s been doing a lot for me lately and picking up slack as best as he can. Not only is he working his ass off at work, he comes home and helps with the kids and the cleaning and the food prep and not once do I get a sigh of resistance or bitching about how much more I could be helping. Instead, he does it like he enjoys it. I know if I were to ask him what he thinks or feels about it, he would respond by wrapping his arm around my neck, leaning his head atop mine and whispering something cheesy like, “I really enjoy taking care of you!”.

So, I was cuddly almost as soon as he walked in the door. We spent most of the night watching Star Trek, as I laid on his chest and caressed his body. Have I ever told you how much I absolutely love his body? From his head to his feet, there is something sexy at every single inch. His hair has the most delightful curls you’ve ever seen – perfect for getting fingers wrapped in. His eyebrows are perfectly shaped and arched around his enchanting eyes – caramel brown with these chunks of emerald green littered throughout. His skin is always smooth, even when he’s covered in a week’s worth of stubble. His shoulders and chest are strong and his muscles are evident without even touching, but to touch them… It’s a breathtaking experience.

I’m pretty particular about muscle because I really don’t like when a guy has a lot of them sticking out everywhere and if for one second their muscles bulge, I literally feel like throwing up. It just grosses me out. His though, his are perfect… The cuddling lasted forever and at last, he seemed to be getting excited by it. I playfully grabbed his balls and he shifted to give me more access. I gently stroked his cock and he sat up more. Grabbing my hair, he guided my lips to his member and I happily proceeded to tease him with my tongue. Again, we were in an angle that makes anything more than a couple inches impossible to do without accidentally getting him with my teeth, so this was purely teasing and not meant to get anybody off anywhere.

He moved down more and began slipping his fingers into my already wet slit. At this point, we’re half-spooning. He’s on his side, I’m on my back, one leg up around him, my foot resting on his ass. He gently penetrates me, just entering the very opening of my vag. I always love how this feels. He grabs the ankle of the leg that’s up around him and he pulls my leg up to his lips to kiss it. He begins at my ankle and kisses his way up to my knee before putting my leg up by my head and directly beside him to cuddle with my leg as he more roughly penetrated me. Both of us are always astounded by how flexible I still am, especially being that the only time we know that I’m that flexible is when he moves my body into these positions.

He begins circling my clit and whispers in my ear, “One night, I’m going to take you in the ass like this… One night, you’re going to beg me to fuck your little hole like this… You’ll beg, ‘Daddy, please put your huge cock in my tight little asshole’…” – and even though I wasn’t particularly into the idea of ever taking him in that way, the way he was saying it and in the moment, I was so turned on by it. He was pulling me in closer and closer to him and for a second, I thought he was just going to go for anal. I was pleased when instead he got on top of me.

The sex was incredible. I easily came the first time and we kept eye contact through my entire first orgasm. It absolutely heightened the experience for me and I thought it would be no time at all before he would cum. But he wasn’t ready yet, so he asked me to try for another orgasm. I frantically worked myself, not wanting to still be working on an orgasm after he came, because that typically results in him falling asleep and me masturbating by myself – something I’m not fond of doing when I have a boyfriend laying right next to me… I felt like I was on the verge of this second orgasm for the longest time and by my reactions, he was sure I was going to cum many times before I actually did.

The orgasm built itself up, until it felt like it was going to erupt out of me. My whole body was pulsing, my breath was incredibly erratic, and he looked incredible over me. He bent down and whispered for me to cum and the sound of his voice filled my head and I was lost in his words again. My body began to tense, starting at my toes and working it’s way up until I was frozen with the tension throughout my body. One final circle of my clit and I was cumming so hard that I couldn’t move at all. He filled me with his warmth at exactly the moment my orgasm began and my breathing was all over the place. I tried to grab at him but couldn’t make my hands work and he gently ran his fingers through my hair and held me close as I came down from my wicked orgasm.

Sleep came relatively easy. It was quite windy out which was really bugging me for some reason, so I tossed and turned for a bit. When he left for work this morning, I could hardly make myself wake up. Just absolutely exhausted.

We Were Primal

It doesn’t happen often, especially now that we’ve been together this long, but sometimes the Boyfriend surprises me. First of all, I’ve been tracking my periods and our sexual activities with an app that I downloaded for my BlackBerry. Imagine my delight when I discovered that there have only been 3 days in the last 2 weeks where we didn’t have sex and on those days, I still orgasmed. That’s right. Orgasmed every day for two weeks 😉

Anyways, back to the surprise…

The Boyfriend spent most of yesterday and with a terrible headache. On one hand, we think he has a sinus infection and on the other, it looks like he got hit in the head – though neither of us can figure out when or why it would’ve happened. This headache has been an ongoing issue for him for quite sometime now. So I spent the day trying to nurse him better, cuddling lots and staying close to one another.

Carter was having a difficult time falling asleep last night and I thought for sure it was going to put a huge damper on all my hopes of sex, but The Boyfriend seemed almost determined. A little light bulb flashed on over my head. We put SpongeBob on for Carter and whipped out my BlackBerry for us to watch porn.

We picked a holiday-themed group sex video, one guy three girls, and had quite the long discussion about the stamina of these guys. “I couldn’t imagine having that much stimulation going on and not cumming over and over again, could you?”, to which he responded that he definitely didn’t think he could handle it. And while he may not be able to handle it, it obviously turned him on. We had only been watching for a few minutes and he was raging to go.

He was very into the oral sex happening between this guy and the three girls, which I was surprised by, because he normally doesn’t pay that much attention to it and definitely never mentions anything about it. But as the one girl stood over the man’s face and buried him in her pussy, The Boyfriend was all talk. “See, that’s how we should do it, that would be fun!”.

His hands were gently caressing my legs and every once and awhile, he would reach up and roughly handle my boobs – something that hasn’t happened in forever and a day. There were hands everywhere. His on me, in me, mine on him, around him. Then, he put his hand on my throat.

He was rough and gentle all at the same time and I kept whispering to him, “I don’t want to cum yet…”. He grabbed my throat and spread his fingers out, until his entire strong hand was covering my entire throat. He pushed down and slowly up, his fingers brushing across my chin softly, before grabbing my jaw an guiding my face to meet him in a passionate and frantic kiss.

Our holiday porn had ended and we decided to experiment with some hentai. I personally had never actually seen any. Pictures, yes. Video, no. It didn’t last long, mainly because we weren’t watching with the volume up, so couldn’t follow the apparently intense storyline. We’ll have to give it another try, another night. So, The Boyfriend suggested lesbian porn, as he always does.

This was by far our least favorite porn of the night. But there were a couple times that it opened up some sexy discussion between us. Mostly about my desires to be with a woman. Lots of “I want to do that!” coming from me. We even had a cheesy moment when I said, “You could watch, you just can’t touch. And even then, I’ve been fantasizing a lot lately about another girl sitting on your face while I ride your cock and her and I makeout.”, and while his cock jumped beneath my hand, he responded, “But you’re the only girl I want…”. Can I hear an AWWW!?!

We gave up on this particular porn after they just began repeating everything they had just done. For three girls, they weren’t very creative… Another lesbian porn was chosen, this one with some impact play. I couldn’t stay watching because it was making me too jealous. This girl gets her pussy cropped and I was almost in tears with jealousy. I just kept saying, “I want that, so bad!”. It was not long before he was keeping me distracted with cock.

He crawled on top of me. I was so beyond wet that penetration was simple and he easily went deep. I was frantically gasping, “You’re so big, so long!” and he whispered back, “Do you want more of me?”, as he pushed just a tiny bit deeper. I yelped, “There’s more?”, seriously thinking there was no way. Sure enough, he was able to get deeper and my hands clawed furiously at his back, through his hair.

By this point, every one of our inhibitions had completely disappeared. We were primal. I half-moaned, half-growled at him, “I want you to break my pussy with your huge cock!”. This whole concept, his huge cock and breaking my pussy, really got to us both and you could tell by the change in our demeanor. “Yeah, you want me to damage your pussy? Tell me you want me to smash your pussy with my monster cock!”. Breathlessly, I repeated his words as he pounded deep into me.

I grabbed onto his shoulders and forcefully pushed him off of me. “Suck my clit!”. Like a bee to honey, he hungrily devoured my pussy. I grabbed his hair and asked him if he enjoyed her sweet taste, and he moaned, sending vibrations throughout my body. I lifted my hips, inviting more and grabbed his head for rougher.

I got on top of him, playfully and slowly lowering myself until he was as deep as I could handle. My whole body was feeling the effects of how deeply and roughly he had already had me. He reached between my legs, and as I began bucking wildly, he worked my clit. I knew it wouldn’t take me long and as he asked if he could cum in my mouth, I erupted into a body-quaking orgasm. He said he couldn’t wait and instead of cumming in my mouth, filled my pussy with his warmth.

We both collapsed onto the bed, his head at one end, my head at the other, our legs and bodies still entwined. As his cock throbbed the last bit and began to go limp inside of me, I just had this feeling that if I didn’t cum again, I would be desperately craving him tomorrow.  I reached down and began playing with myself. At first, he tried to keep himself in me, but my pussy was not having any of that. As she pushed him out, he quickly replaced cock with fingers as I roughly worked my clit, now more than craving the second orgasm.

My whole body clenched as I soaked his hand in all of my juices. My nails dug into his legs and keeping quiet was just about the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My muscles were on fire and I could not catch my breath. It was almost a better orgasm than the first!

By this time, it was nearing two in the morning and we were both exhausted. He rested his hand on my leg and fell asleep and I did the same. It was so good!

Craving Him

I don’t know why lately, but I have been beyond incredibly turned on. From nights long of sex-filled dreams, I wake up to my pussy soaking through the sheets. I spend the rest of the day with my whole being begging for sexually release.

The most annoying thing though, is no matter how many times I masturbated or how many times I cum, my pussy still feels swollen, still pulses frantically,  still dampens my pants.

I realized last night that I have not been “wild” in bed for some time. I’m normally very loud and known for getting primal with my bad self, but that kind of sex had begun waking little ones every single time we had it, so I went into trying to be quiet, which trust me, is never easy!

Last night, I had had enough of the silent and timid sex. Still wasn’t all out primal, but I wasn’t nearly as quiet as I have been. I had made it known almost as soon as The Boyfriend got home from work that I was raging and ready to go. He’s been having a tough couple of days at work, so sex is probably the last thing on his mind. I was most surprised that he was willing to do anything sexually.

Thankfully, we put on Star Trek and I asked if I could straddle him. I’ve gotten very in to being on top of him, facing his feet, while he’s laying and watching TV. He’ll rub the area where my legs meet my ass and it just makes me feel amazing. Apparently, he really wanted sex, as I feel him constantly trying to work his cock into me, even though I know it won’t work, I’m too low down.

After teasing both of us for awhile, I decide I should help him out, so I move up and slowly and playfully lower myself onto him. His hands grab onto my hips and forcefully shove me until I am sitting straight up on his cock. My pussy feels so wet and at first I couldn’t move because my pussy was pulsing so hard. I didn’t want to cum just as we started…

We carried on like this until the end of our episode, half having sex, half teasing each other. After our episode, I laid down beside him and moments later he was crawling on top of me and I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited for that as I was last night.

My hands were immediately all over his body. I worked my way down to his ass and roughly grabbed on and pushed him deeper and deeper. I wrapped my legs up around his back, just below his shoulder blades, opening myself up for him. My legs were twitching and shaking involuntarily as I began whispering to him, “I love how thick your cock is, filling every inch of me. Your cock is so long, you can get so deep.”

My hands were everywhere and he was leaning in close to hear every word I was saying.  “I have been craving this all day. I can’t stop wanting your cock. The whole day you were at work, I kept dreaming about this exact moment. You are so good!”. There were many more sweet nothings delivered and I was shocked that he hadn’t cum during it, because he is so driven by dirty talk and sex noises in general.

I made my way on top of him now and he immediately nestled his face between my boobs. Mumbling into them, “Are you gonna cum on my cock?”. I let out a moan as I roughly ground myself on him, feeling his pubic bone hard on my clit. Sweat was dripping everywhere and I was shaking uncontrollably. While orgasm hadn’t happened for either of us, we had both been on the verge for so long…

My hands were frantically working my clit, his fingers were helping the most they could and nothing either of us was doing seemed to bring either of us over the edge. I dismounted him hoping he would tell me a different position he wanted me in, but instead we laid beside each other, my head at his feet, his head at mine. I wrapped my fingers hard around him and began gently working him up and down.

His thumb began circling my clit and my whole body was twitching beneath his skilled fingers. As my hand began working harder, he slid two fingers into me and forcefully penetrated my pussy. I pushed against him to feel him deeper, whispering under my breath, “More, more!” – he didn’t hear me.

He covered his face with his arm and was focused hard on his own orgasm. I was gripping his member so hard and kept telling him sweet nothings about his cock and how much I loved it, desired it, needed it. It took much longer than I had thought it would, but finally he was covering my leg with his warmth.

I’m sure he could feel the way my pussy responded to this as he continued penetrating me and I continued wishing he would add just one more finger. My hands now worked on my clit, one hand viciously pulling against everything to expose my clit hood and the other roughly circling my clit. I pushed harder and harder against his tiring hand until eventually (and finally, thank goodness) I was cumming hard, my entire body twisting and vibrating.

I had wanted him for so long…