The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

This post is intended for adults 18+

Topping from the Bottom – Is This Self-Kink?

14 Comments


Tonight, as I lounged in a hot bath chowing down on cucumber (which I’ve been craving lately, that and other fruits and veggies, something that never happens for me…) and reading some Sherlock Holmes, I started thinking about all these things I want to do with my life and all the things that I want to get done and have. And in the past, I’ve frequently said that it would be easier if The Boyfriend would just set rules for me that would result in punishments and rewards and blah blah blah…

As I said, just a few days ago, I’ve become really complacent about his interest in the whole thing. Tonight though, I started thinking about how I could just do it all for myself. I could make the rules and punish myself if I don’t do them, and reward myself if I do. A lot of my kinks can be done mostly alone and the ones that can’t, well it really doesn’t make a difference at this point in my life – either way, I’ll be getting more than I’ll be losing!

I laid for a little longer, my face turning red from the heat of the water, and began thinking “Hey dumbass, you just recently put a program on the computer that will even help you do this whole thing. You could pick how you want to look each day of the week and change the permissions, you could randomize the punishments so that you never know what you’re going to get and most importantly, you can keep track of it all” and immediately, I went about thinking up all the permissions and rules and punishments I could give myself and still keep it kinky and sexual, so that in a way, I was being my very own Dominant.

And then it occurred to me, and I bolted up out of the water and pondered, “I… My own Dominant….”!

To this very moment, I cannot tell you how I feel about this. I mean, isn’t that basically just life. It makes me feel like a total genius and a total moron all at the same time. The total moron aspect is that that is exactly what we all are. We are all the dominants of ourselves. We control our actions, we make rules based off of literally everything for ourselves and we reward and punish ourselves in whichever way we deem necessary. We are our own dominants… And it’s just ridiculous that I can’t think of life that way and not because I don’t want to, but because I just don’t.

I also feel like doing this is the absolute form of topping from the bottom, something that I personally wouldn’t like to do. I mean, you are literally being the dominant to your own self as a submissive. It feels like topping from the bottom… Wouldn’t it? And at what point do I become okay enough for myself to do that so that I can get some kinky pleasure? Ugh, it’s just a ton of questions.

So then, I get out of the bath and begin to prep my nails for painting (pics to come) and then, an entirely new thought springs to me and seriously people, tell me if it totally sucks, okay?

You, people of the internet, could be my very own Dominant(s). I was thinking that it would be so fun for you to decide how I have to look every day of the week. You could decide what my punishment for that action could be. Then, through the program and this blog, we could easily go about tracking my behavior, creating goals together and having tons of fun a long the way. And I’m sure a lot of you are thinking to yourself right now either a) Val doesn’t like online submission (as I’m sure I’ve said somewhere before) OR b) Why not just get one single online Dominant?, to which I will refer you to point A. And the biggest reason why I don’t like online submission is not because I’m absolutely against it, it’s strictly because to The Boyfriend it is still cheating and to me, it’s cheating.

Surely, it’s not the same if it’s a handful of blog readers or social network followers and really, it shouldn’t hurt anyone if the benefits are that I might actually accomplish something… (Comment with your thoughts…)

But I want it to be kinky 😉

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Author: Valerie Rayne

Valerie Rayne is a wannabe kinkster, blog-a-holic and mom of five ranting about life, love and blogging. She is also the founder of The Erotic Writers Group, a community for #EroticWriters and #EroticReaders to connect, share, learn and inspire.

14 thoughts on “Topping from the Bottom – Is This Self-Kink?

  1. (https://www.redlightcenter.com) This is a site that I REALLY enjoy. You get to have your on Avatar, choose your sex & and how you want to look. You can play as a free character, but it limits the activities that your Avi can do,such as send private msgs and have sex. However, you can find Doms/Dommes and communicate with them. That way you can fulfil your need to be submissive…..you can also just pick a random person to connect with for the night, but that’s not really my thing.

    • Thanks for sharing with me. I think I might check it out and see what it’s like. I agree with the random person to connect with thing, it’s not really my bag of tricks either. I’ve really enjoyed your comments by the way. Thanks for all your great support and advice 😉

  2. I think this has the potential to be a lot of fun for you. For someone like me the hardest part would be punishment. How do you punish someone when you’re not there? I prefer physical punishments. Or when it’s not physical (in the sense of a spanking, flogging, etc..) ..think more like standing still in a certain position for an hour or so..the fun is watching the submissive struggle to be still. Though on the other hand I know your an amazing writer and through your words could make someone feel as of they were there with you.

    Can I recommend as a follow up post to this that you post exactly what you’re looking for. From this post I get your interested in having others control what you wear. What other aspects of your life are you looking for others so control? Do you have any limits? This way if your asked to do something we know ahead of time what you will/will not do.

    And as a follow up to the “I was thinking that it would be so fun for you to decide how I have to look every day of the week.”
    ..how about a post letting us know what you have for clothing. It would be much easier to pick out clothing if we knew what you had. I wouldn’t say list all your clothes. I’m sure you own jeans & T-shirts like most of us LOL List some of the clothes you own you feel are your “Sexy or Hot” clothing. Same with shoes & undergarments. You could lay out the clothing on the bed or table, take a pic & post it or you could just write a list describing each article of clothing. You could also break each post down by topic..shirts, dress, pants, tops, shoes, lingerie, etc.
    And lastly…what type of clothes to you normally wear each day??

    Anyway..that’s my long ass comment for you LOL.

    I love the idea and if I can I’ll try to help you out a little with this 🙂

    ~Jess~

    PS Email me anytime about this if you want to.

    • OMG you are a genius. Yes, I was obviously thinking about extending that post out into more information if I decided and the internet decided to actually go ahead, but you did really give me a lot of great ideas to get me started – which is a lot more than I had before. I honestly was having a wickedly hard time figuring out how to start…

      I agree with the punishment aspect being non-physical (and by agree, I mean that I think in a way it would totally suck), I have to at least be willing to work within the confines of my relationship on that level. Even then, depending on the punishment, I’d be willing to do it myself – such as having to wear nipple clamps for a longer-than-is-particularly-desired amount of time or not being able to masturbate for days on end… I agree that the fun is in watching the submissive, but there are easily ways that this can be accomplished. You’ve seen my FetLife profile, there’s little that I’m not willing to show off when I can.

      Thanks so much for all your amazing comments, for the great ideas that you’ve given me and for getting my ass in gear about really thinking about this. I’m sure you will see another post soon about this particular issue.

      • Glad my advice helped 🙂

        You mentioned wanting punishment on your blog multiple times since I started following you. Do you see punishment as it is…being disciplined for not doing what your were told….or as something to make you feel submissive. It’s like how some submissives like pain. (I’m someone who pain doesn’t effect) You punish them with a good flogging, however since they enjoy pain it’s not strictly a punishment. However the sub still desires it because it shows they’re not in control. You mentioned nipple clamps & masturbation. If I was dominating you and said you need to wear the clamps for at least an hour each day and you can only masturbate with permission. Would you see that as being punished each day or more as embracing your submissive side?

        Also if you’re allowing anyone interested to be involved with it how would it work? Say I told you I wanted you to dress a certain way next week, than two other people said the same thing but all our styles are different…how would you decided which person to follow? Would we all get a different day/week to control you or would you make a decision on the choice you find most interesting? All dominants have their own style which makes each one unique. The problem you might run into is each Dom/Domme may not want to use/control you the same way.
        Now you could take the ideas and let everyone vote on them but that could potentially cause another problem. If someone takes the time to come up with multiple ideas but their ideas never get chosen they may not want to participate anymore because they see all the time & effort they’re putting into this going to waste. Eventually this could lead to a lack of D/s ideas coming your way.

        Just a few more things for you to ponder 🙂

        ~Jess~

        • Again, such great tips and advice Jess. Thank you so much. As for your first paragraph question, in the example that you described, I would see that as embracing my submissive side, not punishment. Punishment would be, I did something I wasn’t supposed to and now I get something that I don’t like so much because it’s a punishment.

          I don’t know exactly how it would go down, but right now I’m mainly thinking using a program that I installed on my computer awhile back. Then, when any new ideas or “rules” or whatever get added, I input them into the program and each day is completely random, so that I never really know what I’m getting myself into on a day-to-day basis. So say you told me that you wanted me to dress a certain way and joe blow also said he wanted me to dress a different certain way, I would input that information into the program and set it to randomly select between those two options and that would be how it went down… Does that make sense.

          I wouldn’t decide anything, a computer program would. But that’s just preliminary thinking. I haven’t really worked anything out, because like I said, it was just an idea. One that you are obviously very interested in 😉

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  4. So than are you looking for help/ideas to “feed-the-machine” so to speak rather than us to dominate you online? How does the program work? Do you have to fill out a big checklist or something first? How does it know what ways punish you? Do you put in a list of things you don’t like an it bases it off of that? How will we all be involved? Do we get to see a copy of the reports and other things you file to the program or will you just post a summary at the end of the day on what you did? I know…a lot of questions LOL…just curious 🙂

    Plus I just think there would still be more you can get from personal interaction than just a computer program. Like I mentioned listing clothes for us so we can help pick outfits for you. Prob not something the computer would ask you to do. Say you’re assigned a certain outfit but you chose not to wear the shoes (because it assigned heels) and you felt like wearing sneakers or flats. The computer program might tell you “write 25 lines of something.” However our punishment for you might be you need to wear the heels all day and you would only be able to sit for so long. From experience I know a good pair of heels can look Hot on us ladies but if I wear them all day my feet will start hurting at some point. You may enjoy pain from a spanking but I’m guessing the pain you get from standing in heels for a few hours would definitely feel more as a punishment pain than a spanking would. It would definitely make you think twice about not wearing heels again when assigned to you. I would think the punishment we devised for you is more fitting. Sort of a punishment fits the crime type thing. If the computer has your write lines, yes it would suck but do you think that would effect you as much as the punishment we devised for you?

    As I stated in my last comment I still think you may run into an issue if a certain persons “idea” is never picked. Say there are 5-10 of us helping feed-the-machine…then it picks it’s random idea for you…if there are 3 or 4 of us that never see our idea come up…we might not want to add ideas anymore. Not because we don’t wish to assist you…more because we don’t like taking the time to devise things for you and than we never get to see them assigned.

    Anyway, I think this is an intriguing idea. I’m not trying to come off as negative. Just give you alternate points of view to help you decided what works best for you.

    ~Jess~

    • I definitely don’t think you’re being negative, I think you’re being very helpful and useful. I guess the only real question I have for you is how do you think it should work…? haha!

      Honestly Jess, I’ve never been dominated online and have never considered doing it before now (not really anyways, fantasized about it lots, but never really saw myself doing it), because like I’ve said to me it feels a lot like self-kink and I don’t know if I’m into that for myself… Does that make sense?!? But to answer your questions about the computer program:

      I did do a post about this program, but I’ll expand the best way I can to answer your questions. There are technically two programs we could utilize, one is the Virtual Master Program and the other is the Slave Control Software (generally, I was thinking I’d use the VMP). So first of all, I or someone else would write all the scripts for the program. This would determine things like assignments to complete each day, permissions (such as you must ask to eat and what you are allowed to eat), reports (so maybe you have to report to the program at a certain time each day or you have to report when you get home from your daily walk) confessions for when you muck up, then there is the Clothing section where you can ask for specific instructions regarding clothing (and I’m pretty sure you can script it to include what you have for clothing and then the “virtual master” will choose what you have to wear, but I’ll have to double check that) and finally there is an Instructions area, where you have to ask for instructions regarding things like sleeping.

      So then when it comes to punishments. Not only do you input punishments, you also have a point system that will deduct points every single time you get a punishment. You can even write a script that will give points when there has been an extended period of good behavior and take points away if your status doesn’t remain at “Normal”. So in the post that I mentioned above, I did a demo version of what was available and had an assignment to clean the kitchen. I clicked on that assignment and then immediately marked off that I was done. The program popped up with a message, “It only took you 6 seconds to clean the kitchen?” and I got docked merit points as well as got a punishment of No TV for 4 days.

      Now, back to your questions. Frankly, I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for. The help/idea to “feed-the-machine” was just one idea. Really, I was mostly looking for great ideas and suggestions like you’ve been giving me. I just want to know what the internet thinks about the whole thing. The program works by essentially scripting the entire program to do what you want it to do. In the idea that I originally had, I would take any comments and suggestions and input them into the script to have them randomly generate, so that I’m not picking and choosing. Then, yes there are reports that you can get every single day to find out what I did and did not do but I would also want to post a summary at the end of the day, especially so that I could let you guys know what I’m really struggling with and what I think I could go further with.

      I agree that I could get a lot more with personal interaction than a computer program, but I often wonder if I’m ready for that… For your shoe example (which I agree with you 100% on), I would definitely rather the punishment of wearing the heels all day, it could be a situation where I can script the program to punish me with wearing heels all day for not wearing them one day and I can even let the program randomly decide the amount of time I have to wear the heels and the amount of time that I have to be standing in them. The program also integrates with my webcam and I can script that to turn on and off at certain points of the day to “check-in” and make sure that I’m doing as I was instructed (an example the program uses is how this can be helpful for corner-time). Really, there’s a lot of functionality and options with this program.

      I agree with you about the ideas, because that would suck to always put your idea in and then never get it picked and I definitely wouldn’t want that to happen. So, what are your suggestions to solve that problem? Because even without the computer program, even if we were to do it some other way, I still see that being an issue.

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  6. I just emailed you my most recent comment rather than put it here. Let me know if you don’t receive it.

    ~Jess~

  7. That’s the email I used. I resent it again. Am I in your spam folder maybe?

    ~Jess~

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