The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

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Getting Down to Details


Mine and Jess’ conversation on my last post has been on my mind non-stop for the last 2 days now. I just keep thinking about all the questions she’s asked, all the things that could potentially happen with this idea and I have not been able to stop the constant stream of thoughts. She wants me to get down to details about what it is that I really want out of a kinky lifestyle, what does that even look like for me. And while I can come up with a few things, I feel like I’m just continually blanking. As I’ve said before, over the last few months, even more like a year, I’ve become really uncaring about kink. It’s really sad and hard for me to deal with a lot of times, but when I wasn’t being complacent about it, I was always upset about it and it was beginning to affect the little bit of vanilla sex that I do get. And I’m sure I’ve said this before too, that I’d rather be getting some vanilla sex and no kinky sex than getting no vanilla sex and no kinky sex. So really, this conversation is really shoving in my face how uncaring I have become and that’s being the thing that I’m having the hardest time with. How could I have let myself go like that?!?

Am I getting lost within the confines of my relationship? Am I losing sight of what it is that I have so desperately wanted for so many years? Can I even still call myself kinky when I’ve become the way that I am with it? And what the hell am I going to do about it? I feel like I’m breaking up with a boyfriend that I’ve had for so many years and this is all so sudden… I guess really it’s not, it’s just the first time that I’m really acknowledging it all.

But I figured, Jess had some really great questions about my kinky interests and I’ve never really put all of them together. My interests are kind of scattered over a bunch of posts all over the place and most of them only encompass the things that I know and have experienced and not the things that I want to know and want to experience. So, we’re going to attempt to narrow some things down – wish me luck.

Let’s start with what Jess posted:

“Can I recommend as a follow up post to this that you post exactly what you’re looking for. From this post I get your interested in having others control what you wear. What other aspects of your life are you looking for others so control? Do you have any limits? This way if your asked to do something we know ahead of time what you will/will not do.”

First of all, I notice that I do tend to use the “control what I wear” thing a lot as an example of something kinky. It’s popped up in almost every single post I’ve ever made about my interests in kink, I’m sure of it. That is one little area, that is a lot harder to do than you would think. My wardrobe, as it currently stands, is pretty boring and rather unsexy. Lots of comfy yoga type pants and baggy t-shirts. I rarely ever wear underwear (except for when it’s period time) and I haven’t worn a bra for anything but nights out in mega years. I don’t own a single piece of lingerie and I have one pair of high heels, one pair of winter boots and one pair of runners (which need to be replaced this summer). I dress like a mom… I’m also incredibly un-girly when it comes to how I look on a day-to-day basis. I don’t wear make up, the only things I know how to do with my hair are put them in braids or a ponytail, I never wear perfume and when it comes to products to use, I own so little that most people would probably be shocked. I know men with more product than I have…

But, that’s not really how I want it to be. I want to be the type of person who dresses in a way that would be pleasing to someone else’s eye. I want to be the type of person that wakes up in the morning, an hour early, to perfect my make up and hair. I want to be the type of girl who wears high heels for more than just fulfilling my partner’s fantasy during sex or owns a skirt for something other than just sleeping in. I want to wear a bra for some other reason than to just sit around the house in. That’s probably why I always turn to this particular kink as an example…

Another thing that I’d like to point out is that I haven’t always wanted to be submissive and I haven’t always identified as a S/switch, which is what I currently identify as. Prior to getting with The Boyfriend, it was never really a thought to do anything but dominate. I wanted to be the dominant in a relationship and have my own submissive. But as the 4th baby rolled around and The Boyfriend was naturally more of a leader than I was, it just kind of happened. One day, I was completely interested in nothing but domination and slowly, I found myself being much more interested in being his submissive, submitting to him. As the years have gone on and he’s lost all interest, I’m sticking with the submissive end of things because it’s now where I find comfort – although being that I’ve never really experienced either of them, I can’t really say either way which one I’d chose for sure…

Okay, so let’s get back to Jess’ comment. “What other aspects of your life are you looking for others to control?“, to which I can only only think, “All of them!“. The clothes I wear, the times I sleep, the way I conduct my day, the days I have to shave, the times I’m allowed to be on the computer or watching TV, the foods I’m allowed to eat, the things that I’m allowed to say in certain situations, the eye contact I’m allowed to make, the sex I’m allowed to have, really the possibilities are endless.

When it comes to kink, I have a whole wide variety of interests. I want behavior modification with punishments and rewards, I want impact play and sensation play, I want to be constantly put in my submissive place, always being reminded that I am owned, I am somebody’s and that that is the most important job (next to being a mom) that I have. Pleasing someone. Being what they need or want me to be. Or at least, that’s what I currently view submission for me as…

My only known limits are that I won’t do anything that involves poop, pee and puke (The Three P’s). It’s just not something that interests me at this time in my life. Outside of that, I’m really unsure of what limits I would have, because I have a curious interest in almost everything else. For example, my current list of “Into” and “Curious About” fetishes on my FetLife profile is pretty massive and I haven’t even updated it in awhile – then again, what’s on there is a really good start.

So for now, I’ll just leave you with this list and over time, you’ll notice these items turning into links as I do more in-depth posts about my interests. I’ve also put little stars besides the things on my “Curious About” list that are really high up there on my list of what I want to experience (*), and yes this list doesn’t currently exist… You can also expect to see multiple posts of the same title (with parts 1, 2, 3, etc.) further exploring any other comments that come my way regarding my interests in kink. I imagine this will be an interesting little journey we’ll be taking.

Into:

  • anal beads (giving)
  • ass play (everything to do with it)
  • ass worship (everything to do with it)
  • bare bottom spanking(receiving)
  • bare handed spanking (receiving)
  • biting (everything to do with it)
  • blood (everything to do with it)
  • blow jobs(giving)
  • bondage tape (receiving)
  • breasts (everything to do with it)
  • bruises(receiving)
  • choking (receiving)
  • cocksucking (giving)
  • crops (everything to do with it)
  • cum (everything to do with it)
  • cunnilingus (everything to do with it)
  • cutting(everything to do with it)
  • deep throating (giving)
  • dildos (receiving)
  • erotic literature (everything to do with it)
  • flogging (everything to do with it)
  • foot massage (receiving)
  • foot/feet (everything to do with it)
  • gagging/choked by cock (receiving)
  • hair pulling (receiving)
  • hairbrush spanking (receiving)
  • handcuffs (wearing)
  • handjobs (giving)
  • ice cubes (receiving)
  • impact play(receiving)
  • kissing (everything to do with it)
  • leaving marks (receiving)
  • light bondage (receiving)
  • lingerie (wearing)
  • massages (receiving)
  • masturbation(everything to do with it)
  • monogamy (everything to do with it)
  • music (everything to do with it)
  • mutual masturbation (everything to do with it)
  • nipples (everything to do with it)
  • nudity (everything to do with it)
  • oral sex (everything to do with it)
  • outdoor sex (everything to do with it)
  • scratching (giving)
  • spanking (everything to do with it)
  • swallowing (giving)
  • switching (everything to do with it)
  • talking dirty(everything to do with it)
  • vibrators (everything to do with it)
  • writing erotica(everything to do with it)

And that’s just the things that I’ve had experience with. My list of curiosities is even longer…

Curious about: 

  • corsets (everything to do with it) *
  • 1950s household (everything to do with it)
  • 24/7 (everything to do with it) *
  • abrasion play (everything to do with it) *
  • armbinders (everything to do with it)
  • artistic cutting (everything to do with it) *
  • asphyxiaphilia (everything to do with it)
  • ball gags (wearing) *
  • ballet boots/shoes(wearing)
  • bastinado (everything to do with it)
  • bathroom use control (everything to do with it) *
  • bdsm (everything to do with it)
  • begging (everything to do with it) *
  • behavior modification (everything to do with it) *
  • bellydancing (everything to do with it)
  • belt spanking (everything to do with it)
  • belt whippings (everything to do with it)
  • ben wa balls (wearing) *
  • bisexuality (everything to do with it) *
  • blindfolds(watching others wear)
  • bloodplay (everything to do with it)
  • body modification(everything to do with it)
  • body paint (wearing)
  • body worship (everything to do with it)
  • bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • bondage equipment (everything to do with it)
  • breast bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • breast spanking (everything to do with it) *
  • breast whipping (everything to do with it)
  • breast/nipple torture(everything to do with it)
  • breath play (everything to do with it) *
  • burlesque(everything to do with it)
  • caging/confinement (everything to do with it)
  • candle wax (everything to do with it)
  • caning (everything to do with it) *
  • cbt (giving)
  • chakra energy play (everything to do with it)
  • chastity (everything to do with it) *
  • chastity devices (giving)
  • clamps and clips (everything to do with it) *
  • clothespins(everything to do with it)
  • cock and ball torture (everything to do with it)
  • cock milking (everything to do with it)
  • cock worship (everything to do with it)
  • collar and lead/leash (everything to do with it)
  • collars (everything to do with it) *
  • consensual nonconsent (everything to do with it) *
  • control (everything to do with it) *
  • cornertime (receiving) *
  • corset piercing (everything to do with it)
  • corset training(everything to do with it) *
  • corsetry (everything to do with it)
  • corsets (wearing)
  • costumes/dressing-up (wearing)
  • crawling (everything to do with it)
  • cross dressing (watching others wear)
  • cuckold (everything to do with it)
  • cunt worship(everything to do with it)
  • d/s (everything to do with it)
  • daddy/girl (everything to do with it)
  • decorative cutting (receiving)
  • discipline (everything to do with it) *
  • domestic servitude (everything to do with it) *
  • domination (everything to do with it)
  • double penetration (receiving)
  • e-stim (receiving) *
  • edge play (everything to do with it) *
  • electrotorture (everything to do with it)
  • erotic photography (everything to do with it) *
  • exhibitionism (everything to do with it) *
  • eye contact restrictions(everything to do with it) *
  • female ejaculation (everything to do with it) *
  • fetish wear (wearing)
  • fishnets (wearing)
  • foot worship (receiving)
  • geisha (everything to do with it)
  • glass dildos (receiving)
  • gor(everything to do with it)
  • gorean slave positions (everything to do with it) *
  • grooming (everything to do with it) *
  • high heels (wearing)
  • high protocol(everything to do with it)
  • humiliation (giving) *
  • kneeling (everything to do with it) *
  • knife play (everything to do with it) *
  • latex (wearing)
  • leather (wearing)
  • lesbian domination (giving)
  • maid uniforms (wearing)
  • making home movies (everything to do with it) *
  • masochism (everything to do with it)
  • master/slave (everything to do with it)
  • mental bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • mistress/slave (everything to do with it)
  • multiple orgasms (everything to do with it) *
  • needle play (everything to do with it) *
  • obedience training (everything to do with it) *
  • online play (everything to do with it)
  • orgasm control (everything to do with it) *
  • orgasm denial (everything to do with it) *
  • otk spanking (receiving)
  • outdoor bondage (everything to do with it)
  • paddling (everything to do with it)
  • pain (everything to do with it)
  • pantyhose/stockings (wearing)
  • percussion play (everything to do with it) *
  • piercings (everything to do with it)
  • pinching (everything to do with it)
  • play piercing (everything to do with it) *
  • porn (everything to do with it)
  • power exchange(everything to do with it)
  • pro domme (giving)
  • public play (everything to do with it)
  • pussy worship (everything to do with it)
  • restraints (everything to do with it) *
  • riding crops (receiving) *
  • rituals (everything to do with it) *
  • role play (everything to do with it)
  • rope bondage/suspension (everything to do with it)
  • rubber (wearing)
  • sadism(everything to do with it)
  • sadomasochism (everything to do with it)
  • scarification(receiving)
  • sensation play (everything to do with it) *
  • sensory deprivation(everything to do with it)
  • sensual/slave dances (giving)
  • service-oriented submission (everything to do with it)
  • shibari (everything to do with it)
  • slavery(everything to do with it)
  • smoking (everything to do with it)
  • speech restriction(everything to do with it) *
  • spreader bars (everything to do with it)
  • stockings(wearing)
  • strap-ons (wearing)
  • submission (everything to do with it)
  • subspace(everything to do with it) *
  • tantra (everything to do with it)
  • tattoos (receiving)
  • total power exchange (everything to do with it)
  • toy making (everything to do with it)
  • toys (everything to do with it)
  • uniforms (everything to do with it)
  • voyeurism(everything to do with it)
  • wartenberg pinwheels (everything to do with it)
  • water bondage (receiving)
  • webcams (everything to do with it)
  • whipping(everything to do with it) *
  • whips (everything to do with it)
This post is intended for adults 18+


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Before She Cheats…


At which point does it become cheating? Is the answer to this question always the same or does it change based on partners and situations? Let’s take a walk down cheater’s lane, shall we…

I have both been cheated on and been the cheater.

The former, a boyfriend went to a big city for a week without me, and went to a gay bar and hooked up with another guy. I didn’t find out until a year later and by that time, it was too long after to be “allowed” much upset. I had always thought he’d cheat on me with a girl, so had a difficult time dealing with the fact that it was with another guy…

The latter, well I cheated on The Boyfriend for the first four months of our relationship. I came clean about it right before we said I love you for the first time. I hated and regretted the entire thing, strongly believed that I had a good reason for doing it in the first place and more than all that, I was incredibly thankful that The Boyfriend refused to let it tear us apart.

Alfie had broken up with me after 3 kids and 6 years. And while we were broken up, we were still having sex when The Boyfriend came into my life. Technically, he had been there the entire time Alfie and I were together – he was one of Alfie’s childhood friends afterall… But I had never really thought much of him until he started coming around after Alfie and I had broken up. Then he was absolutely my knight in shining armor.

By this point, things between Alfie and I are tense, to say the least. Our relationship had reached the height of verbal and physical abuse, we were totally dependent on one another, and tempers were always at an ultimate high. Alfie did not like all the time The Boyfriend and I were spending together and we were still sleeping together – Alfie and I, not The Boyfriend and I. But then, that changed.

Alfie made life a living hell. Long story short, to keep the hell at bay (at the time, I convinced myself I was doing it for the good of the kids), I continued sleeping with Alfie while navigating the beginnings of The Boyfriend and I’s relationship.

He knew it all along but never had confirmation. He acted oblivious about it, but there is no way he couldn’t have known. Alfie would often spend the night and for awhile, The Boyfriend would come over in the morning and walk in to Alfie and I sleeping in the same room. Alfie would get drunk at my house and then tell The Boyfriend right to his face. He definetely knew…

Finally, I came clean about it. We were getting serious and he had been through too much. I no longer had the energy or desire to keep Alfie’s hell at bay. It wasn’t good for anyone and it didn’t help at all. I wrote him a letter…

He took the whole thing better than I could ever have anticipated. Things were tense for awhile and I allowed him to express his feelings however he needed to. Rules were put into place regarding Alfie and I and things between The Boyfriend and I soon returned to normal.

But, why am I writing about this?

Well… I’ve been thinking about cheating a lot lately. Not necessarily doing it, but yes, doing it… Not even in a sexual way so much as a kink way. I’m swiftly getting to the point where I would do just about anything to just get my ass slapped! I mean, it’s to the point now where so much of my day is spent thinking about “cheating” just to get a spanking, that I’m afraid this desire is going to absolutely consume me.

And it’s not just spanking. It’s all the things I want. Someone to control me, someone to assist me in further exploring my sexuality, someone to give me rules and someone to dole out my punishments. Someone to tie me up, someone to gag me, someone to keep me on my toes (literally and figuratively…). And no matter how much I beg The Boyfriend, nothing at all is changing. I feel like, if anything, we’re moving further and further away from ever returning away from kink.

And frankly, I’m losing all hope

I feel like every single turn I make, I’m being denied what I feel I want. I want to take erotic pictures and get an automatic and non-negotiable “no”. I want to get a spanking and get an “I’m not interested” that can’t even be discussed. And even just regular vanilla sex is becoming harder and harder to get. I mean, yes, he puts out for me. But I don’t think it’s at all because he wants to be having sex, I think it’s because he feels obligated to.

This just sucks…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Take the Helm


I am quickly becoming more and more dissatisfied with my sex life, even though I am having more sex now than I have in years. We are back up to regularly having sex every 2-3 days, which is just perfect for us with the 4 kids and his job… And while the sex itself, has been nothing short of amazing, it’s absolutely not the sex that I want to be having. Our sexual interests right now are like splitting cells.

I’m going this way and he’s going that way and even though we somehow meet back in the middle during sex, afterwards I just feel like we’re going separate ways. I’m never going to get what I want, he’s never going to get what he wants and we’re both going to end up resenting each other for it.

Last night, after a nice and quick shower together, I decide I want to give him head. That part was wonderful. I was having fun playing and teasing, he was having fun trying to keep my hair out of my face, it was all good. Then, I ask what he wants and right away he jumps to anal. I automatically said no, and for the first time ever, instead of just taking my no as a serious no the first time, I had to say it two more times before it was dropped. And while it was very playful, it pissed me off.

Why can’t I get with guys that share my sexual interests? Why must I keep getting with guys who have an obsession with something that I don’t want to incorporate in my sex life – at least, not with me on the receiving end of it. I’m not a huge fan of anal sex. I don’t like feeling uncomfortable, patiently awaiting the moment when it might feel good. Which sometimes never happens. I tried it my required three times and decided it wasn’t for me, that I was never going to be the anal whore I once dreamed of. And I’m okay with that. But apparently it’s not good enough to have my vag and my mouth to fuck…

And I’m supposed to offer up my ass for anal, but I can’t even mention spankings? I can’t even get one…

So we finish with head. I guess he figured since we weren’t having anal and I wasn’t actively pursuing sex, that that’s how I wanted him to cum. So instead of letting me continue on with my playing and teasing, he grabs my head and now the game is really on. I can tell the second he’s getting ready to cum, because of the way that he grabs my head. It never bothers me, I actually find it to be incredibly sexy. I’ve always liked that he will guide me directly the way he wants me during sexual activity – always in control.

As usual, after the orgasm is done, we discuss what we liked and didn’t like. We try to communicate as much as possible, so that every sex session just keeps getting better. So last night, he said something along the lines of… “Once I’m ready to cum, I kind of take the helm”, and I quickly interjected, “Yeah, what’s with that? Why can’t you ever just let me make you cum, without you working for it too?” and all he did was cover his lips with a finger and shushed me.

I kept replaying all the times he’s said to me, “One day, I’m going to have to see if you can make me cum like that”, often referring to the muscle clenching that I tend to do a lot of during sex, without meaning to more often than not. But there’s been numerous times that he’s said it, for a variety of the ways that I have sex. But he never lets me do the work of actually bringing him to orgasm. Once he reaches that point, he takes over and I normally let him because it feels good. But the shushing, the lack of willingness to talk about whatever reasons might be behind this, just made me really uncomfortable. I expressed this to him. Not to the degree that I was feeling it, but I didn’t want to completely ruin a totally great head session with my emotional drama…

I made it known that I was not happy with the shushing or the lack of communication about this new discovery. I had, up to this point, figured that it was probably some bodily reaction that he couldn’t exactly help. I know personally, when I’m about to cum, I’ll hold my breath. And it’s not something I have control over, it’s just what happens. So I had figured that that was just the way his body responded to a close orgasm. But this “take the helm” comment, means that it’s not some involuntary reaction of his body but instead a thought-out action. An action with some sort of reasoning behind it.

The worst part of it though, is that I was upset by the way the night had turned out. I was slightly mad by the suggestion of anal, I was slightly upset by the lack of communication, I was saddened by the discovery itself. So even though, I don’t completely understand why I said no to it all, I didn’t want to cuddle, I didn’t want to kiss, I just wanted to roll over and go to sleep. But I hate when I make it known that I’m upset about something, and I act like I’m upset about it, and instead of being comforting and trying to really discover what’s wrong, he just gives into me.

So instead of trying to cuddle with me last night, instead of trying for kisses, he just rolled over his own way and went to sleep. Instead of being even slightly interested in the chance of me having an orgasm, he just rolled over and went to sleep. I’m sick of being punished in this way, when I’ve done nothing wrong. This “ignore-her-until-she-gets-over-it” kind of way… It makes it seem like my thoughts and feelings don’t really matter. Even when I do go on full out ragers about my stupid emotions, I speak to a brick wall of silence.

I just feel like I’m giving a lot of myself and not getting much back in return sometimes…

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Distant Memories


 

This is just a straight up sad post…

The other night, The Boyfriend and I were talking about various things. At one point, I said, “I really want to go dancing at a nightclub” and he said, “You’ve got a better chance of getting laid!”. So of course, I jump straight to, “What about a better chance of getting a spanking?” and his response:

“Don’t Push It!”

Seriously?!? Don’t push it!

Have I not been complaining on this blog that I have been holding back as it is, HARDCORE! I hardly ever mention it to him now and when I do it’s in a completely joking manner and I make that obvious. I know that I’m not going to get it, but seriously?!? Why should I not “push it”? It’s not like when I do “push it” that I get anything out of that. Exactly the opposite, the more I push for it, the less likely I am to get it.

I’m sad that I promised myself after Alfie that I was going to get into a kinky relationship and escape this vanilla-ism. Then, The Boyfriend allowed me glimpses of what I could have, now that I was no longer in a vanilla relationship. For an entire year, we were exploring, we were experimenting, we were both having lots of horny fun. Unless he was seriously faking that entire time. I’m sad that here I am, years later, still in a vanilla relationship.

And I wish there was a way that I could talk him into it. It would be different if you didn’t see spanking in the vanilla world. If spanking was truly just a kinky thing, it would make sense to me that he wouldn’t be interested. It would make sense if at one time, he didn’t enjoy spanking. But he did and spanking appears everywhere in the vanilla world. Especially vanilla porn, which we’ve been watching a heck of a lot of. No complaints there!

Then, Taboo’s coming to town and it’s been on my sexual bucket list. And another year is going to pass where I don’t get to go, because it’s out of The Boyfriend’s comfort level or whatever like that. It’s just so disappointing. I am such a sexual person and I feel like I’m being sexually stunted everywhere I turn. From The Boyfriend’s lack of interest in anything outside of regular normal sex (and the occasional attempt at anal sex) to even my Mom saying that she doesn’t believe that I actually like spankings but more that I like the idea of them.

I call bullshit…

If I didn’t actually like spankings, then I wouldn’t want them all the time! I wouldn’t be thinking about them, when I should be thinking about other things, like my work. I wouldn’t be dreaming of them and I wouldn’t be so upset that I wasn’t getting them. And it’s not just spanking, even though that’s the only word I really use. But it’s impact play in general. It’s spanking, it’s cropping, it’s flogging and it’s a fantasy to be caned (though I’ve never even been close to that experience).

When I think about all the kinky things that I want to experience that I haven’t yet and that I won’t get to, it is almost debilitating the disappointment I feel. So much of my life, so many years, has been made up of the desire to have these things. And so many years has been made of disappointment and let down. I keep thinking that one day I will get it, but then I wonder from who, because it certainly won’t be The Boyfriend.

And it won’t be anyone else. He won’t share me (though I don’t mind that aspect – especially being that I only want to be hit by him) and I won’t leave him over this. Like I’ve said so many times before, outside of this one thing, we have such a great relationship. He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a man and everything I didn’t know that I needed. He makes my life better just by being a part of it. How could I possibly give that up just because I’m not getting my kink on?

I’m just at a complete loss of what to do. I hate when the lack of kink starts making me depressed, because it doesn’t make any sense. I hate when I feel like I can’t function because I haven’t gotten the spanking or the flogging or the hair-pulling that I so badly desire. I hate when my day is filled with fantasizing about things that realistically speaking, might never be. I hate when that makes me so sad and I feel helpless to it. I hate when I feel like I have no control over my own sexuality.

Even though, I know full well that I do. I hold the power. But at what cost? 

To get what I want kink-wise, would mean that I would have to leave The Boyfriend and find a kinky person to play with on a semi-regular basis. Sounds like a simple thing, doesn’t it? It’s not! It’s not, especially when you love The Boyfriend and especially when you have 4 kids. I can’t even describe to you the amount of difficulty that that presents. And not a simple, “I can fix this” type of difficult, it’s such a complex, complicated, heart-wrenching, disaster type of diffuclt. Just thinking about how hard it would all be causes my heart to beat faster and my palms to sweat.

Sidenote:

I just realized that I’ve been relating my kink desires with my sexual desires a lot, and I don’t mean to do that in that way. I don’t think that you can only have kink if it’s somehow followed up by sex. I don’t think that all kinky acts lead to sexual acts or sexual arousal. I think it is absolutely possible to have a kinky relationship with someone without ever participating in any sexual activity – especially when your interests are the same as mine in this respect. 

This is the problem. The Boyfriend is the first guy that has not only treated me really well, but he also treats himself really well. I don’t have to mother him, and I don’t have to force him to keep his job and he takes care of himself (to a degree… It’s not like he’s cleanly or does his own laundry or anything like that, but he’s the first guy that I don’t feel like I have to remind to do any of that stuff or that I feel mad when I have to do it instead). He’s also the first relationship that I’ve had that isn’t explosive and dramatic and a scary rollercoaster ride. So, he’s the first guy that I really trust and that I feel absolutely safe with. He has brought out a whole side of myself that I didn’t even know existed.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, before The Boyfriend, I never considered touching submission. I knew that I liked being in control and I despised feeling in anyway vulnerable. From both the sexual and non-sexual perspectives, I was in all ways determined to be the dominant force in any relationship I’ve ever had, even when it was just friends. I was the boss, period. Then The Boyfriend and I started dating and I naturally fell into longing for him to take control and craving vulnerability. Especially in the bedroom! And he is naturally very good at playing the leader, though I have no idea if he feels that way. I know the idea of submission for himself, repulses him.

And then I got it for a bit. He took me there. We learnt together and we played together. Even if at the time, I didn’t look at it that way and even if at that time, I still complained that it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, we did have kink together. He made me feel vulnerable and I gave him the freedom to strip away my control – though I make it sound like it was some deep subspace-y experience, when really it only is in hindsight. But we had it. I had it. And now, that’s all that I have… A distant memory of what we once had.

And I am so scared that that is all I will ever have…