The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Getting Down to Details


Mine and Jess’ conversation on my last post has been on my mind non-stop for the last 2 days now. I just keep thinking about all the questions she’s asked, all the things that could potentially happen with this idea and I have not been able to stop the constant stream of thoughts. She wants me to get down to details about what it is that I really want out of a kinky lifestyle, what does that even look like for me. And while I can come up with a few things, I feel like I’m just continually blanking. As I’ve said before, over the last few months, even more like a year, I’ve become really uncaring about kink. It’s really sad and hard for me to deal with a lot of times, but when I wasn’t being complacent about it, I was always upset about it and it was beginning to affect the little bit of vanilla sex that I do get. And I’m sure I’ve said this before too, that I’d rather be getting some vanilla sex and no kinky sex than getting no vanilla sex and no kinky sex. So really, this conversation is really shoving in my face how uncaring I have become and that’s being the thing that I’m having the hardest time with. How could I have let myself go like that?!?

Am I getting lost within the confines of my relationship? Am I losing sight of what it is that I have so desperately wanted for so many years? Can I even still call myself kinky when I’ve become the way that I am with it? And what the hell am I going to do about it? I feel like I’m breaking up with a boyfriend that I’ve had for so many years and this is all so sudden… I guess really it’s not, it’s just the first time that I’m really acknowledging it all.

But I figured, Jess had some really great questions about my kinky interests and I’ve never really put all of them together. My interests are kind of scattered over a bunch of posts all over the place and most of them only encompass the things that I know and have experienced and not the things that I want to know and want to experience. So, we’re going to attempt to narrow some things down – wish me luck.

Let’s start with what Jess posted:

“Can I recommend as a follow up post to this that you post exactly what you’re looking for. From this post I get your interested in having others control what you wear. What other aspects of your life are you looking for others so control? Do you have any limits? This way if your asked to do something we know ahead of time what you will/will not do.”

First of all, I notice that I do tend to use the “control what I wear” thing a lot as an example of something kinky. It’s popped up in almost every single post I’ve ever made about my interests in kink, I’m sure of it. That is one little area, that is a lot harder to do than you would think. My wardrobe, as it currently stands, is pretty boring and rather unsexy. Lots of comfy yoga type pants and baggy t-shirts. I rarely ever wear underwear (except for when it’s period time) and I haven’t worn a bra for anything but nights out in mega years. I don’t own a single piece of lingerie and I have one pair of high heels, one pair of winter boots and one pair of runners (which need to be replaced this summer). I dress like a mom… I’m also incredibly un-girly when it comes to how I look on a day-to-day basis. I don’t wear make up, the only things I know how to do with my hair are put them in braids or a ponytail, I never wear perfume and when it comes to products to use, I own so little that most people would probably be shocked. I know men with more product than I have…

But, that’s not really how I want it to be. I want to be the type of person who dresses in a way that would be pleasing to someone else’s eye. I want to be the type of person that wakes up in the morning, an hour early, to perfect my make up and hair. I want to be the type of girl who wears high heels for more than just fulfilling my partner’s fantasy during sex or owns a skirt for something other than just sleeping in. I want to wear a bra for some other reason than to just sit around the house in. That’s probably why I always turn to this particular kink as an example…

Another thing that I’d like to point out is that I haven’t always wanted to be submissive and I haven’t always identified as a S/switch, which is what I currently identify as. Prior to getting with The Boyfriend, it was never really a thought to do anything but dominate. I wanted to be the dominant in a relationship and have my own submissive. But as the 4th baby rolled around and The Boyfriend was naturally more of a leader than I was, it just kind of happened. One day, I was completely interested in nothing but domination and slowly, I found myself being much more interested in being his submissive, submitting to him. As the years have gone on and he’s lost all interest, I’m sticking with the submissive end of things because it’s now where I find comfort – although being that I’ve never really experienced either of them, I can’t really say either way which one I’d chose for sure…

Okay, so let’s get back to Jess’ comment. “What other aspects of your life are you looking for others to control?“, to which I can only only think, “All of them!“. The clothes I wear, the times I sleep, the way I conduct my day, the days I have to shave, the times I’m allowed to be on the computer or watching TV, the foods I’m allowed to eat, the things that I’m allowed to say in certain situations, the eye contact I’m allowed to make, the sex I’m allowed to have, really the possibilities are endless.

When it comes to kink, I have a whole wide variety of interests. I want behavior modification with punishments and rewards, I want impact play and sensation play, I want to be constantly put in my submissive place, always being reminded that I am owned, I am somebody’s and that that is the most important job (next to being a mom) that I have. Pleasing someone. Being what they need or want me to be. Or at least, that’s what I currently view submission for me as…

My only known limits are that I won’t do anything that involves poop, pee and puke (The Three P’s). It’s just not something that interests me at this time in my life. Outside of that, I’m really unsure of what limits I would have, because I have a curious interest in almost everything else. For example, my current list of “Into” and “Curious About” fetishes on my FetLife profile is pretty massive and I haven’t even updated it in awhile – then again, what’s on there is a really good start.

So for now, I’ll just leave you with this list and over time, you’ll notice these items turning into links as I do more in-depth posts about my interests. I’ve also put little stars besides the things on my “Curious About” list that are really high up there on my list of what I want to experience (*), and yes this list doesn’t currently exist… You can also expect to see multiple posts of the same title (with parts 1, 2, 3, etc.) further exploring any other comments that come my way regarding my interests in kink. I imagine this will be an interesting little journey we’ll be taking.

Into:

  • anal beads (giving)
  • ass play (everything to do with it)
  • ass worship (everything to do with it)
  • bare bottom spanking(receiving)
  • bare handed spanking (receiving)
  • biting (everything to do with it)
  • blood (everything to do with it)
  • blow jobs(giving)
  • bondage tape (receiving)
  • breasts (everything to do with it)
  • bruises(receiving)
  • choking (receiving)
  • cocksucking (giving)
  • crops (everything to do with it)
  • cum (everything to do with it)
  • cunnilingus (everything to do with it)
  • cutting(everything to do with it)
  • deep throating (giving)
  • dildos (receiving)
  • erotic literature (everything to do with it)
  • flogging (everything to do with it)
  • foot massage (receiving)
  • foot/feet (everything to do with it)
  • gagging/choked by cock (receiving)
  • hair pulling (receiving)
  • hairbrush spanking (receiving)
  • handcuffs (wearing)
  • handjobs (giving)
  • ice cubes (receiving)
  • impact play(receiving)
  • kissing (everything to do with it)
  • leaving marks (receiving)
  • light bondage (receiving)
  • lingerie (wearing)
  • massages (receiving)
  • masturbation(everything to do with it)
  • monogamy (everything to do with it)
  • music (everything to do with it)
  • mutual masturbation (everything to do with it)
  • nipples (everything to do with it)
  • nudity (everything to do with it)
  • oral sex (everything to do with it)
  • outdoor sex (everything to do with it)
  • scratching (giving)
  • spanking (everything to do with it)
  • swallowing (giving)
  • switching (everything to do with it)
  • talking dirty(everything to do with it)
  • vibrators (everything to do with it)
  • writing erotica(everything to do with it)

And that’s just the things that I’ve had experience with. My list of curiosities is even longer…

Curious about: 

  • corsets (everything to do with it) *
  • 1950s household (everything to do with it)
  • 24/7 (everything to do with it) *
  • abrasion play (everything to do with it) *
  • armbinders (everything to do with it)
  • artistic cutting (everything to do with it) *
  • asphyxiaphilia (everything to do with it)
  • ball gags (wearing) *
  • ballet boots/shoes(wearing)
  • bastinado (everything to do with it)
  • bathroom use control (everything to do with it) *
  • bdsm (everything to do with it)
  • begging (everything to do with it) *
  • behavior modification (everything to do with it) *
  • bellydancing (everything to do with it)
  • belt spanking (everything to do with it)
  • belt whippings (everything to do with it)
  • ben wa balls (wearing) *
  • bisexuality (everything to do with it) *
  • blindfolds(watching others wear)
  • bloodplay (everything to do with it)
  • body modification(everything to do with it)
  • body paint (wearing)
  • body worship (everything to do with it)
  • bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • bondage equipment (everything to do with it)
  • breast bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • breast spanking (everything to do with it) *
  • breast whipping (everything to do with it)
  • breast/nipple torture(everything to do with it)
  • breath play (everything to do with it) *
  • burlesque(everything to do with it)
  • caging/confinement (everything to do with it)
  • candle wax (everything to do with it)
  • caning (everything to do with it) *
  • cbt (giving)
  • chakra energy play (everything to do with it)
  • chastity (everything to do with it) *
  • chastity devices (giving)
  • clamps and clips (everything to do with it) *
  • clothespins(everything to do with it)
  • cock and ball torture (everything to do with it)
  • cock milking (everything to do with it)
  • cock worship (everything to do with it)
  • collar and lead/leash (everything to do with it)
  • collars (everything to do with it) *
  • consensual nonconsent (everything to do with it) *
  • control (everything to do with it) *
  • cornertime (receiving) *
  • corset piercing (everything to do with it)
  • corset training(everything to do with it) *
  • corsetry (everything to do with it)
  • corsets (wearing)
  • costumes/dressing-up (wearing)
  • crawling (everything to do with it)
  • cross dressing (watching others wear)
  • cuckold (everything to do with it)
  • cunt worship(everything to do with it)
  • d/s (everything to do with it)
  • daddy/girl (everything to do with it)
  • decorative cutting (receiving)
  • discipline (everything to do with it) *
  • domestic servitude (everything to do with it) *
  • domination (everything to do with it)
  • double penetration (receiving)
  • e-stim (receiving) *
  • edge play (everything to do with it) *
  • electrotorture (everything to do with it)
  • erotic photography (everything to do with it) *
  • exhibitionism (everything to do with it) *
  • eye contact restrictions(everything to do with it) *
  • female ejaculation (everything to do with it) *
  • fetish wear (wearing)
  • fishnets (wearing)
  • foot worship (receiving)
  • geisha (everything to do with it)
  • glass dildos (receiving)
  • gor(everything to do with it)
  • gorean slave positions (everything to do with it) *
  • grooming (everything to do with it) *
  • high heels (wearing)
  • high protocol(everything to do with it)
  • humiliation (giving) *
  • kneeling (everything to do with it) *
  • knife play (everything to do with it) *
  • latex (wearing)
  • leather (wearing)
  • lesbian domination (giving)
  • maid uniforms (wearing)
  • making home movies (everything to do with it) *
  • masochism (everything to do with it)
  • master/slave (everything to do with it)
  • mental bondage (everything to do with it) *
  • mistress/slave (everything to do with it)
  • multiple orgasms (everything to do with it) *
  • needle play (everything to do with it) *
  • obedience training (everything to do with it) *
  • online play (everything to do with it)
  • orgasm control (everything to do with it) *
  • orgasm denial (everything to do with it) *
  • otk spanking (receiving)
  • outdoor bondage (everything to do with it)
  • paddling (everything to do with it)
  • pain (everything to do with it)
  • pantyhose/stockings (wearing)
  • percussion play (everything to do with it) *
  • piercings (everything to do with it)
  • pinching (everything to do with it)
  • play piercing (everything to do with it) *
  • porn (everything to do with it)
  • power exchange(everything to do with it)
  • pro domme (giving)
  • public play (everything to do with it)
  • pussy worship (everything to do with it)
  • restraints (everything to do with it) *
  • riding crops (receiving) *
  • rituals (everything to do with it) *
  • role play (everything to do with it)
  • rope bondage/suspension (everything to do with it)
  • rubber (wearing)
  • sadism(everything to do with it)
  • sadomasochism (everything to do with it)
  • scarification(receiving)
  • sensation play (everything to do with it) *
  • sensory deprivation(everything to do with it)
  • sensual/slave dances (giving)
  • service-oriented submission (everything to do with it)
  • shibari (everything to do with it)
  • slavery(everything to do with it)
  • smoking (everything to do with it)
  • speech restriction(everything to do with it) *
  • spreader bars (everything to do with it)
  • stockings(wearing)
  • strap-ons (wearing)
  • submission (everything to do with it)
  • subspace(everything to do with it) *
  • tantra (everything to do with it)
  • tattoos (receiving)
  • total power exchange (everything to do with it)
  • toy making (everything to do with it)
  • toys (everything to do with it)
  • uniforms (everything to do with it)
  • voyeurism(everything to do with it)
  • wartenberg pinwheels (everything to do with it)
  • water bondage (receiving)
  • webcams (everything to do with it)
  • whipping(everything to do with it) *
  • whips (everything to do with it)
This post is intended for adults 18+


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An Intro to Sexual Bucket Lists


Sexual Bucket List searches seem to bring some of the greatest traffic to The Rantings of a Tortured Mind. Some of the most popular search terms include “sexual to do list”, “sexual bucket list”, “sexual bucket list ideas” and “bdsm to do list”.

Today, I not only present you with a great strategy to create your own sexual bucket list, I’m also inviting you to check out my own new and improved sexual bucket list to help you generate ideas. Read on to learn more about sexual bucket lists.

What is a Sexual Bucket List?

The idea of creating a Bucket List, a list of things to do before you die or kick the bucket (hence, Bucket List), became increasingly popular after the release of Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson’s movie “The Bucket List”. The two men, both terminally ill, escape from a cancer ward to spend their final days on a mission to complete a wishlist of to do’s before they die.

Shortly after the release of the movie, the blogosphere became filled with bucket lists. You could read about people’s greatest wants and there are even a few blogs about bloggers who are working to complete their bucket list. Soon after, adult bloggers jumped on the bucket list bandwagon with their very own style of bucket list, the sexual bucket list.

Essentially, your sexual bucket list is a way for you to gather all your sexual desires into one spot. Everything you’ve ever wanted to do, secretly thought about, or want to experience more of, can be added to your sexual bucket list.

The sexual bucket list offers you the ability to evaluate, define, discover and process your sexual urges, desires and fantasies. One of my favorite things about a sexual bucket list is its ability to open the lines of communications between partners where fantasies and desires are concerned. Exchanging sexual bucket lists can result in interesting fun.

What does a Sexual Bucket List look like?

That’s really up to you! I personally, being an organization freak, enjoy making up headings for different categories, and using cute fonts and bullet lists. You can see my bucket list here. But that’s not the only way to make your sexual bucket list.

You could write out detailed descriptions of the sexual activities you’d like to have before you kick the bucket. You could just do a long list of the things you’d like to achieve. If you’re blogging and really want to have some impact, you could just do pictures of others doing things you want to do (of course, being careful not to infringe on any copyright laws) or you could dedicate an entire blog to writing up fantasies of the things that you’d like to do sexually.

What your sexual bucket list looks like, is completely up to you. You can write it on your blog, in a word processing program or Notepad, write it in a journal, or write it on a scrap of paper that you keep tucked in your nightstand drawer, or pants pocket (great if you’re known for checking things off your sexual bucket list).

What to include in your Sexual Bucket List?

Again, this is really up to you. What do you want to experience sexually that you haven’t already? Your sexual bucket list also doesn’t have to just include sex acts, but can also include erotic acts or even sexual enhancement acts. For instance, if you wanted to experience Tantric Sex, you could have as a sexual bucket list item, “Attend a Tantric Sex Class”. Or let’s say you wanted to experience what it was like to take an erotic photograph, you could have a sexual bucket list item, “Learn how to use camera lighting to soften nude photographs”. Hopefully, you see where I’m going with this. The list item doesn’t have to be directly sex, but can be an item that will enhance and assist you in defining and experiencing your sexuality.

There are literally thousands, if not millions, of different sex acts, fetishes and kinks in the world. We’ve listed just over 100 ideas alone. Which ones interest you? Which ones could you see yourself doing? Which ones are your fantasies? Which ones would you like to experience before you kick the bucket?

Why make a Sexual Bucket List?

Why not? There are a bunch of reasons why you should make a sexual bucket list and virtually no reasons why you shouldn’t. First off, it’s a great reference point for you to always have clearly defined limits and boundaries. It’s also wonderful for deciding what it is you really want for yourself sexually. We are all sexual beings, and we should embrace that.

A sexual bucket list can also be a tool for communication about your sexual wants and needs. Whether you’re sharing the actual list with your sex partner or using it as starting point for a verbal conversation, it takes the awkwardness out of talking about sex and fantasies.

In my opinion, defining your sexuality is key to comfort-ability in your sexuality. The more you know about who you are as a sexual being, the more you can enjoy having sex. The only way sex is going to be amazing for you, is if you clearly know what you like and what you don’t like. Once you’ve got that figured out, you’ll know where you want to go, sexually speaking. The sexual bucket list is your opportunity to explore and discover your deepest desires and darkest fantasies.

Why so morbid, Sexual Bucket List?

When I’m creating my own sexual bucket list, the thought of death never enters my brain. We all die, and I’m over it. Yes, the concept of a sexual bucket list is quite morbid, but the idea of it is quite exhilarating. And don’t worry, no one expects you to die if you complete all the items on your sexual bucket list!

I generally tend not to use the terms Sexual Bucket List, mostly because I don’t like the idea of putting sex and death together. I call my bucket list, my Sexual To Do List. You can call your sexual bucket list whatever you’d like to call it, you can even call it nothing at all.

Your sexual bucket list also doesn’t have to be a list about things you’re going to do before you can die. It can just be a list of things to do, period. And your sexual bucket list can change and evolve, just as your sexuality can. So don’t be afraid to go back and modify your list whenever it feels like you need to.

Conversation Starters

  • Have you created a sexual bucket list? What was the experience like for you? If you have a link to your sexual bucket list, please feel free to leave it in the comments.
  • What are your thoughts on sexual bucket lists? Do you think they are beneficial, or do you think they are a waste of time?
  • Who would you share your bucket list with? Friends, families, partners, anyone willing to read?
  • Have you checked anything off your own sexual bucket list? Share that with us in the comments.
  • What are some ideas for things to include in a sexual bucket list? Vanilla or kinky, I want your suggestions.
  • Is there anything about sexual bucket lists that you would like to learn more about?
  • Any other thoughts? Share them in the comments!