The Rantings of a Tortured Mind

Valerie Rayne Rants

This post is intended for adults 18+


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Dreaming of Head


I think I’m developing a complex, an oral sex complex. For the past few days, right before I actually wake up and after I’ve already hit snooze once or twice, I drift into dreamland. While there, a dream conducts itself in the usual way – kind of scattered and not making any real sense but it always ends the exact same way.

This morning’s dream was probably the most memorable as we walked through a town called Innisfail (and not the real town of Innisfail). The town was on a mountainside and every single building looked like it had been built to resemble a bomb shelter. The Boyfriend had apparently transferred jobs and we were going to see a lady about our own little bomb bunker. As we walk through the town, there’s not a Wal-Mart in site, but there is a (not even kidding you) Damage Hall. I don’t know why you’d want to advertise that you are the Damage Hall, but I guess that’s just how they do in the sheltered town of Innisfail.

Here’s where the dream starts matching every single other dream I’ve had for the past few days. Somehow The Boyfriend and I end up at a place where we’re sitting down and I’m snuggling into his chest. He has no shirt and only boxers to cover any of him. We begin making out, which I swear feels identical to when we are actually making out. My body feels tingly just about everywhere, I sweat and I would not be surprised if I moan along with my dream self (although, I’m not aware of it if I really am). But in the dream, it feels incredibly real.

Then, I pull back to take a breath and he cockily spreads his arms wider and opens his legs further, allowing the hole in his boxers to reveal the treasure beneath and he says to me in his sexy sex voice, “So, you know what I want?”. In the real world, he does almost this exact same thing when he wants head. Every guy I’ve ever been with is like this. They get comfy and settle in for the pleasure of my mouth, before officially announcing (even if just subtly) that they want oral sex. I normally say yes, because I couldn’t say no to a beautiful piece on display.

Almost as soon as he asks, I wake up. I have no idea how the dream ends or if he ends up getting head or if I end up saying no. I know nothing! However, I do find it interesting that I’m dreaming about giving him oral sex when in real life, I’ve been complaining so much about not getting it. And complaining isn’t the right word to use there, more like mentioning that I’m not getting it.

I’ve told him straight out that I’m not giving him head again until I get some. I’ve mentioned that I’m in the mood for it and then not gotten it. The only thing I haven’t done is asked out right for it. We sort of talked about that the other day. He said he wanted me to ask right out and I said I wasn’t comfortable with that all the time. It would be nice for someone to act like they wanted to eat me out, not that they were just doing it because I had asked. As if it were taking out the garbage. “Oh dear, can you take out the garbage and when you’re done, come eat my pussy…”. While it’s hot in theory, when you’re living it every day, not so much.

I think the fact that it’s been so long and the idea that I need to ask or direct to get it, seems to really be bothering me. I can tell because it’s on my mind a lot when I’m awake but even more so, because I’m dreaming about it. It’s in my conscious and my subconscious… I think what it really comes down to is that I want some vulva appreciation to go down. I want this area of my being, that I’m quickly falling out of love with, to be loved and cherished and kissed – instead of pounded, penetrated and fucked.

I wish he would eat me out like I give him head. Playful, teasing, long and drawn out, tons of tongue. It’s just been a long time…

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This post is intended for adults 18+


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Reviewing Some Things…


 

Why is it that I suck so hard at completing the simplest of goals? You’d think I’d be talking about cleaning my house (which I’m sucking at as well, but isn’t the point of today’s post) or going to work every single day… But no! This is totally Sex Bucket List-related. How can I take these ideas that are in my head and make them work for my life?

Blogging about every sex session… I have wanted to do this for so long. So I put it on my 2012 Sex Bucket List and guess what…? I haven’t blogged about a sex session since before the new year. Which would make sense if my sex life was still sucking as much as it was a few months back, but it doesn’t. I can only remember one time in the last long while where I got to the point of not being able to stand the length anymore, and that was both of our faults, not just his. Darn us and our ability to stay up WAY too late!

But there have been some amazing times. Like my 3rd successful go at anal, which turned out really great. We both came, he was tender like he was the first time and it was honestly really nice. There’s also been nights when I’ve insisted on giving him head without getting anything in return and we haven’t had nights like that in forever. There have been a lot of really great experiences. So, why am I not writing about them?

Part of the problem is that we have sex right before bed. Literally, sex is over, smoke is had and now it’s time for sleep. So I don’t write about it when it’s all still fresh in my mind. Then normally, I work the next day and when you spend the next six hours focusing on mostly your work, it is incredibly difficult to remember much about the sex you had the night before, no matter how spectacular it was. You can never remember how it was exactly that you ended up getting into that awkward position and you can’t recall who came first or if you came at exactly the same moment. You can’t remember many other details about it that make writing about sexual experiences so fun, like what he smelt like or how the sweat latched onto his curly hair.

And then from both my sex bucket lists (1 & 2), I’ve got “Wear my Ben-Wa Balls”. I got two different sets of Ben-Wa Balls a few years back. When I opened them up, they were much smaller than I had imagined they would be and I’ve had 4 kids! I expect things to not be able to grip very easily (though I have no actual proof of this and I’ve never had anyone say anything to the effect – on the contrary), so I just assume that those balls have got to be too tiny for my pussy to hold onto. Then again, isn’t that the point.

So anyways, I want to learn more about if these things are too small and if I should get rid of them and find bigger ones. And I keep meaning to, but then I see all these numbers with these ones weighing this much and being of this diameter – and people, if I haven’t said it enough, I really SUCK at math. Do you know much about Ben-Wa Balls and how to use them? Leave me a comment!

All of my BDSM/Fetish stuff has completely escaped my mind and I’ve barely thought about it, in the sense of actually doing any of it. Sure, I still fantasize, but now it seriously and truly is just a fantasy. It’s no longer The Boyfriend I see holding or receiving the torture device, it is now a blurry image of what used to be a man. It’s no longer him watching on as I caress a blurry woman’s body, it is now just a blurry figure in a chair. When I fantasize, these things aren’t happening to me – they are now happening to the Russian woman who has long been a character in my dreams.

Ever since I was young, I remember having these dreams of a woman with very long black hair, dressed from head to toe in white fur – sometimes a black body stocking (though this is because, as I later discover, that she is an international spy) – and she’s always got this intense look on her face as she takes me on these wild adventures in my sleep, that often leave me waking with a case of the sweats. As I got older and older, this woman also became the woman of my fantasies – the character that played me, as it were, in the scenario. She is the ultimate of how I’d love to look, if I could choose those things at will.

She embodies the characteristics I believe every woman should have: strength, courage, confidence, sex appeal, dignity and all those other positive strong attributes, that I’m hoping you can imagine. She is also incredibly sexy in my perception of her and the second I see her defined cheekbones and those incredible eyes, I immediately feel overwhelmingly intrigued. I’ve only ever seen one woman in real life that came as close to amazing looking as the woman in my dreams/fantasies, but that could’ve been the lighting and the alcohol… Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see…

Anyways, the point is that my desire towards BDSM has somewhat diminished as I see it becoming less and less attainable for me. The Boyfriend has made it very loudly clear that he is not going to share, period. Doesn’t matter what the gender or sexual fetish is, doesn’t matter if there’s sex or no sex, he won’t even hear anything of ideas or concepts on how to make it work, before completely shutting me down. And I understand it, I’d probably be the exact same way. And honestly, the sharing thing has always been another thing that I never thought would truly come to fruition.

He’s also made it pretty clear that he has no interest in participating. Spanking is completely out of the question and he absolutely refuses to indulge me. It’s very rare that a sex toy even gets brought out anymore as I think he’d rather be the one giving the pleasure. I wonder if I’ve ever made him feel inferior or lacking in ability to pleasure me? I hope not, because he gives me a great amount of pleasure. Regardless of the lack of kink.

I’m not saying that I’m ready to give up, but I’m definitely not striving for it as hard as I have in my past. Maybe one day, the drive will come back to me, but right now it’s sadly on the back burner. Luckily, that’s not saying for sex altogether, just the kinky stuff. Vanilla sex, well I’ll be gunning for that 24/7 and I’m hoping, now that I’ve released this pent up piece of shit, that writing about vanilla sex will become a more frequent thing. So cross your fingers for me 😉